How To Stop Getting Easily Offended?

[Beam]

firstly keep cool and think when someone is offering advice , wait a moment , think about the comment before you deny it , it could be useful.

I have been trying to not let negative comments bother me , I will tell those being negative right on the spot , that they are bringing me down with the negative attitude  and to lighten up a tad , friend !

If someone is being a pest by not offering helpful advice but a insult , tell them to stop talking to you that way and to try being nice for awhile...

Ask them to crack a smile if they can....smile at them to initiate one and be nice not aggressive , show them you want to play nice.

treat people as you want to be treated , its a must.

 Don't ignore valid *advice*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constructive criticism needs to be understood to be recognized and appreciated.

Constructive criticism is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others, usually involving both positive and negative comments, in a friendly manner rather than an oppositional one. The purpose of 'constructive criticism is to improve the outcome.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

Edited August 18, 2016 by Beam

[Santhiphap]

Thank you @Beam

Lot of my questions have answered themselves. While writing them out I already felt the naivety of my questions/worries and I didnt really wait for an answer here on the forum. 

Your answer still helps alot though! I'll take some time to think about it 

[30secs]

On 8/9/2016 at 0:05 PM, Leo Gura said:

The core falsehood is that you are special and deserve special treatment (namely, you deserve to survive). This is false, and the sooner you face up to it, the smoother your life will flow.

this is very true, but if you find it very advance..

 

try this:

On 8/3/2016 at 0:44 PM, MIA.RIVEL said:

Train your ego to let it go and walk away, Silence is better than wasting your time on bullshi*

very effective.

[Kevin Dunlop]

On 17/8/2016 at 6:09 PM, Santhiphap said:

I need help on this topic as well. May I just join the conversation here?

 

My story:

I have been a "neurotic" (unbalanced) perfectionist for a long time now and it keeps me from getting anything done.

hinking of learning all of this with the help of index cards, like learning a new languages vocabularies. This way I might not forget the sayings that help me understand how the ego is "lying" to me. What do you think about that approach? Which words or sentences should I remember? Leos post hits the nail right on the head. Maybe I'll just put it on an index card and repeat it 30 times a day?

 

Really good friend, you have noticed alot of what is happening. Index cards are how I visualize the ego working all the time! So, right now you are using index cards they are just written in your mind where you cant easily see them. Every time something happens your ego goes to its index cards ( your learned identity) to find an interpretation, a feeling and a response for you to use. You dont even realize what happened but you, all of the sudden, interpret a situation, feel a certian way and respond. You think all of this is inevitable, you think these index cards you have are you because they are being pulled up and used unconsciously before you have time to notice. The problem is that you didnt write the index cards in your mind that you are using, someone else did. Your parents taught you how to interpret, feel and respond to situations, capitalist society, TV, school etc. No expert formed your automatic index cards sooo thats why they are a mess, but what can you expect right we needed something to get started. NOW, you can pull up those index cards in your mind and rewrite them, thats what actualization means.

For example something happens, your work doesnt look ¨perfect¨what does your old index card set tell you this means? And how are you supposed to feel about that? And what should you do? I could guess it might go like this,¨ My work doesnt look perfect - this means I am not good enough - I feel bad because I am not perfect like I am supposed to be - I am going to get mad at myself for that and try again to get this done right. ¨ 

Sorry if my example isnt quite right, you need to investigate what your own mind is telling you, I dont know about that. So you can step back now, take a breath of fresh air you see the process and you dont like the programmed index cards you have. BUT how to change them we must learn. First I like to go back into my memory and find out where exactly these concepts I learned came from. This dispells the myth that they are ÿou. No these things you just learned. Forgive those who taught you this, they were just trying to do their best at the time, let them go, you are in charge now.

Now in order to go on you cant just erase what you have there without replacing it with something else. Here is where you need recommendations. Mine are Nonviolent Communication books and videos, Restitution by Diane Gossen. So you need to find out what your cards say now, where they came from and rewrite them. These mental cards you have were written over a long period of time and you are used to using them, your ego even defends them fiersely because they have kept you alive. But dont worry there are many better options for any aspect of your identity. My identity would say ¨My work isnt perfect, but neither is anyone elses so its normal and human. I could improve it with more time and patience or leave it as it is if its not truely important. I am proud I have gotten this far and I know with practice I will master any work I feel like trying. ¨

Your new paper index cards should have on the back your old way of interpreting, way you were taught to feel and your learned automatic response, also who you are quoting( copying). On the other side write how you want to interpret the situation so that you feel good about it, how you want to feel and you want to respond. 

These new ideas will always be open to improving by trying out something new. Then this is the most important thing, the amount that the new ideas will feel comfortable and become automatic depends on the amount that you experience them. You have to practice, and engrain the new ways just as you engrained the old ones over time. Your entire identity and experience can be changed this way. The identity is a game now you know the rules, take it easy and enjoy being a beginner and seeing yourself improve. Being serious, important, perfect, go against beginners in any game so be careful of that and enjoy.

 

 

[Beam]

Personally got a lot from that @Kevin Dunlop
I always learn something whether I answered or started a thread , like a snowball ball effect the more we participate the more we grow.

Edited August 27, 2016 by Beam

[Kevin Dunlop]

15 minutes ago, Beam said:

Personally got a lot from that @Kevin Dunlop
I always learn something when I answer or start a thread like a snowball ball effect the more we participate the more we grow.

Thanks beam, I also learn good things here with this group. Its the natural way we evolved to have likeminded people around to bounce ideas off. I am also trying to practice writing in a specific way here that is meant to be helpful. 

[Santhiphap]

On 27.8.2016 at 0:27 AM, Kevin Dunlop said:

I am also trying to practice writing in a specific way here that is meant to be helpful. 

@Kevin Dunlop  Thank you so much for the time you put in to write this. I can see how you've been practicing writing. I notice that myself since writing on this forum, I think alot about how to write "true" words with as little tint as possible. Its a great practice to come along while learning about ourselves here.

I am still working on myself, havent stopped since weeks, waking up early in the morning now to meditate and figure myself out, although I have been a late nighter all my life, things are changing now, I can feel the response of my personal work everywhere in life and I get amazing feedback from friends and family. I am starting to dislike the use of drugs, even alcohol and coffee which is totally normal to drink for the people surrounding me, I feel how it alteres my mind. I spend much time alone, grounding myself, starting to truly trust my own values of life. Havent done any index card work yet because all is so confusing and complex, I am just starting to learn and build a structure in my mind for all the self-work topics and how they relate to me. Soon to oversee all the topics that need to be worked on, then I will probably learn index cards like a maniac!

Also working on a masterplan to help a girl I just fell in love with to commit to me. I am saying "help", because I will never force or pressure her, but I think I am getting a grasp on how to help her lose her fear of commitment. I know I am ready for this, and I know she is the right one for now, maybe forever. She is bringing the best out of me.

Never had so much energy in a long time.

Now, it seems, all the pain from the past years makes sense and happened for a reason.

Edited September 2, 2016 by Santhiphap

[Kevin Dunlop]

here are some good examples of communication improvements I have been able to learn and, test out with other people, that make life alot easier. Remember everything you do that has anything to do with other people is guided by communication. You can go from miserable, helpless, frustrated to informed, enjoying and seeing results you love, that you know you made happen, and how you did it, just by relearning communication as an adult. This makes life alot easier because the problems we create by not knowing what we are doing are far greater than anything caused by others in out lives, (who we tend to blame so dont improve ourselves).

So here I included three examples, 

Non Violent Communication -Marshall Rosenberg

 Restitution -  Diane Gossen

How to talk so kids can listen and listen so kids can talk -Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

 Its hard to explain these teachings without giving you the full books ( which I dont have anymore).

Overall what they teach in terms of actualization is analyzing your identities communication tools from a new educated perspective, comparing it to the information in the book and slowly conditioning yourself to have updated communication through experiences. If you get this happening youll be amazed at how you can transform situations with other people for the better. Most of these examples come from the field of Parenting but also apply to any communication. So if you ever want to hang out with kids and be that awsome grownup who everyone loves get into these books it really transformed my vibe!

 

https://www.nesacenter.org/uploaded/conferences/SEC/2012/spkr_handouts/Hargrave_Restitution.pdf

Another hidden benefit of learning good parenting ( which is 90% communication ) you can then analyze how you were parented and how your identity was formed form a new, educated perspective. Ahhhh haaaa. Here we see its like cue cards you take out the old responses you learned and put in the new ones that work.  

Edited September 4, 2016 by Kevin Dunlop

[Voytek]

Understand why those responses from others bother you. Don't stop at, "they were mean!" Because that is the initial reason why it bothered you. Search de per within your memories in order to connect those responses to your first experiences with such negativity and or experiences in which induced sensitivity and bad feelings to the particular theme or manner of such responses. You have to get to the root of negativity in order to make peace with apparent hostilities inside and out. 

[Santhiphap]

Thanks to both of you. I can get value from that and I feel I am on the right track now.

[123456789]

@JohnnyBoy You assign meaning to anything. <--- Now read this a few times and try to make it sink into your head.