How To Stop Getting Easily Offended?

[JohnnyBoy]

So I've been following the Actualized.org videos for a little more than a year and a half and for the most part, it helped me out quite a lot. But I've had a huge flaw within my psyche, and that is getting easily offended. I will not get into what I'm offended about, but if you make fun of that particular thing about me, then the gloves are coming off and I want to make your life a living hell.

I tried other people's advice: get over it, stop being so sensitive, stop whining... but no matter what, it is not getting to the root of why I am so butthurt all the time. Are there ways to over come that, or is it part of my ego that I have to break down in order to self-actualize?

[Beam]

I am just finding these few things out as I'm new to the game , Try to come to terms with your ego and learn to ignore its self serving tendencies.

Its my understanding that it will change when you change not before and not easily at that.
Being aware of its presence is a blessing with meditation you can learn to ignore its advice when it comes up.

 

 

[Friend]

You realize your ego is the one upset about others making fun of it. What if your ego was the one making fun of itself and causing the same level of torment? Could you think of any ideas that would release the grip of pain on the ego?

[MIARIVEL]

@JohnnyBoy I used to be like this. See the thing about our ego and they way our mind works is most people love to stay comfortable. So many people do not progress in life because they do not challenge the way they think, their behaviour or their perspective on situations. 

What others say about you is a reflection of them and not of you. The way you choose to respond to any given situation says a lot about your character. Before I used to react and not care what anyone would think of me after I have reacted but it did take me a long time to recognise the person I was and the person I am working so hard to be. 

People kept telling me "life is sometimes better when you don't give a shit about what other people think". Now I choose what and who I allow to affect to me. It can be hard sometimes when you just want to react to someone, but that just means your on that person's level of petiness (which you don't want to do). With some mindfulness and training / challenging your brain, it gets easier to walk away from people trying to bring you down (this just means that they are already below you) so don't give them the power to bring you down as well. 

Most times people want a reaction out of you because they want to know they have gotten to you, in which case this just makes them feel better about themselves. Don't give them this satisfaction. Train your ego to let it go and walk away, Silence is better than wasting your time on bullshi*

[egoeimai]

@JohnnyBoy  hahahahah I have always had and I will always have  this particular problem. I get offended by everyone's words.

Parents siblings cousins friends strangers classmates colleagues all kinds of relationships and even guys. I have no exceptions. Elders...etc etc etcc every humna being by i get offended. It is followed by anger cursing all the time and sometimes sadness.

Hahahah Its everywhere in my life.

The thing that it does to my life is that is making me feel lonely,special,and sometimes I feel noone can understand me. Why I get so offended. Noone justify me. Everytime I feel im crazy bitch who understands the wrong things. People say something and they say i turn it to something offending. It happens all the time since my childhood.

I bet its something like traumas which can follow you for the rest of your lige and hurt you If you dont realize it.

[egoeimai]

To get it more clear to you and for you to understand the hugeness of this problem...(that word exists?? Who cares) .. If you like some one....a boy or a girl...and you want to never be humiliated in front of them....have only your great image and behaviour amd you try to impress someone by yourself. You know that situation its similar to flert and attraction

So. My behaviour when it comes to offending its so huge and general,that I argue with every person in the planet (that I know he/she is trying to offend me or make fun of me) . I argued with my crush once. I was feeling that he was trying to make fun of me.....then i realized that he was only trying to impress me hahahah

I couldnt stop getting angry and be frustrated so I repeated the same words he said. It was so hilarious but It shows that it applies with everyone. And i mean......everyone.

People for whom you ve got respect on,and people u dont give a shit about.

 

[Ape]

2 hours ago, popi said:

@JohnnyBoy  hahahahah I have always had and I will always have  

You better let go this belief if you want it to change.

[FindingPeace]

9 hours ago, JohnnyBoy said:

why I am so butthurt all the time

Because you buy in to what people are saying to you as though it has significance to you. Ultimately, you get offended because you believe what people are saying about you. Cosider this: if you had opinion X about yourself and someone gives you their opinion Y, which is different to yours, you already have an opinion so why do you care what theirs is? You can think to yourself "Ok, they think Y but I believe X to be true so their opinion is irrelevent". Whereas you are probably thinking "Ok, they think Y but I think X, maybe they know something I don't, maybe they're right, but I don't want to admit that, that can't be so, they have to be wrong, I must stop them thinking that".

If you are confident in your self then you only need to care what YOU think. Others can say and think what they like. That's their business.  If it causes a problem with your relationships with these people then maybe they're not the people you need in your life.

Fundamentally you cannot control what other people think and do. That's their business. You can only control what you think and do - that's your business. You can only concern yourself with your own business. You can only control how you respond to their thoughts and actions. Other's have the right, just as you do, to say and think whatever they like. But you don't have to believe them or engage with them.

If you want to know why you get offended, then the next time you get offended, look at the thoughts you are having about what the other person said or did. Look at what you are believing about them and their actions, and what you are believing about yourself. It isn't them that's offending you, it what you are believing about the situation and your own thoughts that is creating the offence. To quote a technique from Byron Katie: who would you be without the thought "so-and-so thinks X about me" or "I am offended by what X said"?

What would actually happen if you did't react at all to the situation and carried on with your life regardless? If instead of creating a story about how offended you are and why, you merely acknowledged the situation and what people said or did, chose to dismiss it as insignificant and then carried on as if it never happened. After all, after it's happened it's in the past anyway, so it no longer exists. Just the story you tell yourself about it persists. So cut out the story!

 

 

[egoeimai]

1 hour ago, Ape said:

You better let go this belief if you want it to change.

Haha thank you. I thought it when i wrote it,I must be jocking here  

We sometimes have to make jokes with probs.

At least one time

 

[egoeimai]

Yes yes yes. Because you believe that people's opinions apply to you. And these are true  .I dont want to say that this is happening to wveryone that gets offended but usually these kind of people dont have a vlue about where theyre going  .or/and they have low self esteem and low self confidence. Im not an expert. But getting offended so easily (as I do_and im so happy i found one person wjo has similar problem) this is showing.

So maybe its from past experiences in which people didnt give you the proper attention you would like.

Or they were making fun of you. Your appearance you bahaviour etc. I knoq it by first hand.

So if you didnt react on those cases,this offending shit is now the consequence

[Kyle007]

The reason you feel offended is simply because you've been self critical of some aspect of yourself.For example if you called a tall guy short he wouldn't be offended because he isn't self critical about being short.

 Everyone is unique, next time someone says something that might be offensive to you just bring your awareness to the emotion inside of you and just allow it and feel it fully. The more you do this the more the intensity will fade away and won't harm your being any longer.

[Leo Gura]

You're offended because there is some deeper truth you're denying. The offensive emotion you feel IS the denial mechanism in action. So to stop it, you have to ask, "What is the truth here that I'm resisting? And WHY am I resisting what is true?"

I find that people who get offended easily simply don't value truth. They go about life valuing other things. So one high-level solution is to move TRUTH to the top of your value hierarchy. And force yourself to always be loyal to truth vs other stuff. This of course means being disloyal to the ego, because the ego's agenda is fundamentally based on falsehood. The core falsehood is that you are special and deserve special treatment (namely, you deserve to survive). This is false, and the sooner you face up to it, the smoother your life will flow.

But of course it's all very counter-intuitive and the ego doesn't like this kind of talk. It gets offended!

[Eelco1981]

@JohnnyBoy The message I am about to write might be a repetition of what has already been written. Nevertheless I wanted to give my version, because I personally struggled with this problem for 20 years and finally got over it. My story:

I was veeeeeeery self critical. My expectations for myself and others were very high. I had to work very hard to live up to my own expectations. I was very critical of others that did not live up to my standards. Because I was so critical of others, people liked to criticize me also. The were constantly looking for a moment I made an error. When they did, I got offended and had to work even harder to live up to my own standards. But it was never enough.  I was soooooo identified with what I know and what I do. If there was a fault in what I knew or did, I felt like a failure.

So tip 1:  do not identify yourself with what you know, own, do. Do not even identify with your body. That is not who you are. Do not believe me, find this out yourself.

Second: analyze your insecurities. People who get offended about someone questioning their religion, are in reality very doubtful about their religion. If you are so sure about your religion, someone questioning your beliefs won't hurt you. So analyze what it is you are insecure of. Is it true? Are you insecure about your religion, body, beliefs? Again; then do not identify so much with these things. You are not your belief, you are not your religion, you are not your body.

If someone says you are a spoon, yes a table spoon; do you get offended? No! you laugh, that is preposterous. You are a human being, not a spoon. Now if someone calls you gay; do you get offended? Do you laugh and say that is preposterous? Or do you get angry? If so, there is a part in you that is doubting or denying you are gay. Then you might be conditioned by society that it is wrong to be gay. That is the expectation you try to live up to. But you are fooling yourself. You are conditioned. Find out what these rules are you so rigidly apply to yourself. Who said you have to be thin/heterosexual/beautiful/successful/rich/white/perfect/flawless/etc.? Society is. So drop those rules and be authentic, be yourself. No matter what society tells you.

[Matthew Lamot]

@JohnnyBoy

This guy is very good!  Excellent advice that really works from an Advaita master!

 

[egoeimai]

3 hours ago, Eelco1981 said:

@JohnnyBoy The message I am about to write might be a repetition of what has already been written. Nevertheless I wanted to give my version, because I personally struggled with this problem for 20 years and finally got over it. My story:

I was veeeeeeery self critical. My expectations for myself and others were very high. I had to work very hard to live up to my own expectations. I was very critical of others that did not live up to my standards. Because I was so critical of others, people liked to criticize me also. The were constantly looking for a moment I made an error. When they did, I got offended and had to work even harder to live up to my own standards. But it was never enough.  I was soooooo identified with what I know and what I do. If there was a fault in what I knew or did, I felt like a failure.

So tip 1:  do not identify yourself with what you know, own, do. Do not even identify with your body. That is not who you are. Do not believe me, find this out yourself.

Second: analyze your insecurities. People who get offended about someone questioning their religion, are in reality very doubtful about their religion. If you are so sure about your religion, someone questioning your beliefs won't hurt you. So analyze what it is you are insecure of. Is it true? Are you insecure about your religion, body, beliefs? Again; then do not identify so much with these things. You are not your belief, you are not your religion, you are not your body.

If someone says you are a spoon, yes a table spoon; do you get offended? No! you laugh, that is preposterous. You are a human being, not a spoon. Now if someone calls you gay; do you get offended? Do you laugh and say that is preposterous? Or do you get angry? If so, there is a part in you that is doubting or denying you are gay. Then you might be conditioned by society that it is wrong to be gay. That is the expectation you try to live up to. But you are fooling yourself. You are conditioned. Find out what these rules are you so rigidly apply to yourself. Who said you have to be thin/heterosexual/beautiful/successful/rich/white/perfect/flawless/etc.? Society is. So drop those rules and be authentic, be yourself. No matter what society tells you.

Μy life.

[Kevin Dunlop]

On 2/8/2016 at 8:03 PM, JohnnyBoy said:

So I've been following the Actualized.org videos for a little more than a year and a half and for the most part, it helped me out quite a lot. But I've had a huge flaw within my psyche, and that is getting easily offended. I will not get into what I'm offended about, but if you make fun of that particular thing about me, then the gloves are coming off and I want to make your life a living hell.

I tried other people's advice: get over it, stop being so sensitive, stop whining... but no matter what, it is not getting to the root of why I am so butthurt all the time. Are there ways to over come that, or is it part of my ego that I have to break down in order to self-actualize?

Why do you give other people the right to judge you and decide what you should be? Who made them the experts on reality? If the universe made you the way you are than Im going with the universe rather than some opinion from whoever. If people really have the time and need to judge and tease you they are the ones with the problem, not you.  

But if the results of your ¨flaw¨ is that you will need to make someone elses life a living hell, you may want to ask why am I looking for a reason to be this person? One problem with this atitude is that your willingness to do this to others in a way is really a willingness to do this to yourself. So I suggest you have compassion for other people that dont know how to hangout without offending, competing, judging, hurting etc., forgive them , let them off the hook if they get hung up on your ¨flaw¨. And in a way you will also apply that same compassion to yourself too, and let yourself off the hook for feeling all of this hurt over it. These ideas work both ways towards others and  also internally to yourself.

At some point youll forget all about it, and so will everyone else. And if it does come up you´ll just say, oh ya that thing, without manufacturing the whole fight, its nothing, not important, (you wont even need to say this, you´ll know it) 

[Kevin Dunlop]

Why would you let a CB ruin your day?

[Beam]

Meditation works great to teach your mind to be mindful of its thought and that you have control over what thoughts you relay to others.
 

People generally give advice or suggestions because they  Care about people in general , its not easy to show someone the errors of their way.

Edited August 14, 2016 by Beam

[Matthew Lamot]

10 hours ago, Beam said:

People generally give advice or suggestions because they  Care about people in general , its not easy to show someone the errors of their way.

 

Edited August 15, 2016 by Matthew Lamot
deleted

[Santhiphap]

I need help on this topic as well. May I just join the conversation here?

 

My story:

I have been a "neurotic" (unbalanced) perfectionist for a long time now and it keeps me from getting anything done.

When I get really frustrated I start searching for answers. This is why I started psychotherapy, read self-help books, and how I came here to actualized.org.

The problem is, as soon as I feel better and move on with my life, I immediately forget the things I learned and lose awareness only to find myself back in the same dilemma again and again and again...

I am trying to overcome to ever be offended in what I am because it hurts so much. When I meditate I feel I can distance myself from it and not take it too serious. But just 5 mins back into life my awareness is gone and the pain is tough and so frustrating.

Right now I am trying to distance myself from a lot of things in life that may offend me. My anxiety against those offensive situations is really strong due to some bad experiences in the past.

 

What I am doing lately to help myself:

I meditate alot while listening to Tibetian Singing Bowls, especially the manipura chakra sounds (solar plexus). I have done a quick chakra test which showed the manipura being the only one that is really out of balance. Although, I didnt need a test to know that. I did it to see before and after meditation effects. I also took a picture of myself trying to smile as happy as I can, before and after the sounds & meditation. The change was quiet impressive, I felt really happy afterwards and it was a 200% improved smile =).

Still, I think, even if I would meditate 16+ hours  a day, I would not be able to cure the strong pain I feel when I get offended again.

 

My questions:

What can I do more specifically, to practice and get results that I can feel immediately, that last longer and that I will also be able to build upon? Which techniques have been proven to be most efficient and rewarding for you? The meditations are helping only for a short amount of time until life knocks so loud on my egos door that I cant keep it closed. How can I strenghten this door, if you know what I mean.

I have been thinking of learning all of this with the help of index cards, like learning a new languages vocabularies. This way I might not forget the sayings that help me understand how the ego is "lying" to me. What do you think about that approach? Which words or sentences should I remember? Leos post hits the nail right on the head. Maybe I'll just put it on an index card and repeat it 30 times a day?

 

Edited August 17, 2016 by Santhiphap