LSD hell loop

[Alfonsoo]

I did 100 ug of LSD the other day, or at leas i thought, ended up being way stronger than expected. Tripped under slightly irresponsible conditions: did it at night home alone and kind of rushed decision because  i had such a good time my last trip (with some coveted mild anxiety), i had nothing to do and thought i might  just as well do some  LSD (how reckless  of me) . And i kind of wanted to impress and convince a friend to try LSD by reporting to her next morning and telling her how it went

(TRIP REPORT STARTS HERE) long story short, I ended up in a bad trip, according to my estimates, right around the climax. I was in a loop: I was lying in my bed (not paralyzed but idk why i didn’t try moving) and a little winged demon would come and stab (didn’t hurt though, idk why but it was still horrifying) and for some reason it came to my mind that the only what to make it stop was to stop DISTRACTING my self and face it head on (i had to let it go, let it kill me, probably leading to ego death). How ever I had my phone next to me and whenever I went to my phone to distract my self from the suffering it briefly stopped and the demon would disappear, but suddenly come right back and keep on stabbing me. And this would repeat its self and I think the message here is fairly clear. And for some reason I would  feel bad I wasn’t complying. Feeling bad like letting a bad thing happen to a friend kind of feel. Now, I managed to get through the trip like this. And even though that trip was a tough teacher I plunged into ego backlash. My diet got terrible. the little spiritual practice i did stopped, I even reduced my content consumption from @Leo Gura. How ever I did notice that on the following months I got a LOT more open minded and got in touch with understanding my and other’s feelings. I consider i’m still on this downward spiral of ego backlash (it’s been almost 6 months). How ever i feel it’s coming to an end, i suddenly feel the willingness to meditate again and the sudden self inquiry thoughts started popping up again. I hadn’t done proper spiritual preparation before the trip. Now more than ever i understand the dangers and potential of psychedelics. When the trip ended I really felt safe, like at the end of a horror movie when the sun starts rising and finally there’s some light and you know the killers dead. 

The other part of this post is that i got really curious about thought loops after that. I found  a REDIT post asking for someone to describe a thought loop and an answer really got my attention. After explaining how they worked the person then said that he recommend to do whatever you can to distract you off the loop (video games, tv, etc) exactly the opposite of what I felt i had to do to escape. It seem very interesting. I left a screen shot of the post.

Also, I found the nature of the bad trip loop scary similar to the Hell depicted in the Lucifer show (Season 2 Ep. 13) which shows sinners looping through whatever sin they felt guilty of and the only way out was to no longer feel guilty. Which I imaging is forgiving your self, acceptance , self love. In my case I felt guilty of distracting my self, letting my self indulge in the addictions of life knowing I have to let them go and that I should be doing way more spiritual work.

 

Im not asking for anything here, I’m just letting this off my chest but feel free to give some insight, especially on: if all bad trips (or most) have this loop like nature?, can I expect more experiences like this, digging out guilt? How can I “practice letting go” to allow the ego death. How does (lack of) SELF-LOVE plays a role in this bad trip?

[AlwaysBeNice]

I had some experience with this and it was horrifying. It can reflect how stuck the person can be in it's ignorance, repeating the same things, and it's just not working out, again and again and you know no alternative. It wants it to work out, in the world, and tries again, but it can't so confusion and panic start and increase, until you surrender out of it, probably not even very likely, so something greater stops it for you.

That is the hard part of spiritual life in the beginning, we cannot find peace in our mind habits, it's just not in the world or in the mind, mind or world may be expressions of love at some point, but if we are self focused, it's like hell, albeit a neutral hell perhaps at times,. Gentle but also hard.

Especially without meditation /enquiry experience and a little wisdom, and even with this, this experience can be most mortifying, because it actually looks like you are stuck, but consciousness is not, but you don't know that and we can only find that in quiet peace, you can't find it via your habits or conventional ways, it is actually killing you then through your own repetition.

 Not easy to realize in just a trip,, that's why the extreme effect will wear itself out over time. I am just learning in years of practice sober.

If this triggers fear there's no need, just keep practicing and notice how it works, and then stick with it, and make it part of your life, your life is not just some silly fault either.

edit: not to forget the sheer shock of the experience, something so new, yet real and transcending in a way, totally shocking, totally shocking.

Edited July 26, 2020 by AlwaysBeNice

[Alfonsoo]

@AlwaysBeNice It does feel like sometimes i’m in a real life, sober endless loop of distraction (technology filed, just like my bad trip), of course without the intensity and extreme nature of an actual trip. How ever I can’t find my self a way out. Of course I know what I have to do (the spiritual practices) but I just can’t break loose of the addiction (and maybe laziness).

[Marten]

@Alfonsoo  That sounds scary. My intuition is to face whatever fear is there, as all fear is illusion, it cannot harm you. The only thing that's real is Love. That doesn't mean to be careless in ones preparation before a trip. But rather prepare and be ready to face whatever comes up. Once you feel ready (even though you may still feel fearful) face it. And if you are not ready and similar things happen, that's fine too! Forgive yourself, Love yourself. Try to follow all the preparatory steps. Perhaps make a preparation list before hand and commit to not just tripping on a whim. Facing my fears on LSD has been the most miracolous awakening of my life.

Also remember that all your "distractions" are Love and there's nothing "wrong" with them. And you don't "have to" do anything.

What do you really want to do?

[Alfonsoo]

@Marten how do i get ready or know if i’m ready?

[AlwaysBeNice]

13 minutes ago, Alfonsoo said:

@AlwaysBeNice It does feel like sometimes i’m in a real life, sober endless loop of distraction (technology filed, just like my bad trip), of course without the intensity and extreme nature of an actual trip. How ever I can’t find my self a way out. Of course I know what I have to do (the spiritual practices) but I just can’t break loose of the addiction (and maybe laziness).

Ye, I am sometimes given bits of a loop, can learn to handle it bit by bit. But it's not like there is 'the loop for me'. People want to try to classify life and put it in a box ' oh so it's a loop', well life can be like a loop, the mind thinks that any big new spiritual experience it has must be like it, I had that a lot, it's an interesting tendency, but not true. And in deeper meditation all questions of loops and even all experiences are gonner, so it's not really ultimate or has anything to do with the deeper dimension of pure consciousness. 

Edited July 26, 2020 by AlwaysBeNice

[Marten]

@Alfonsoo  Depends how you function. For me it's intuitive, I sense it when I'm ready. For others it is a feeling and for others more of a logical thinking thing.

This video gives great tips on safety etc.

 

[Lyubov]

been stuck in a loop before... honestly it's really nothing compared to how much worse trips can get. they don't bother me nearly as much anymore. just relax into it the best you can if you can. 

Edited July 26, 2020 by Lyubov

[Leo Gura]

When stuck in a loop, the best thing to do is to force your body to move to override any thoughts and simply change the environment. Walk outside, or crawl to another room, or go to the bathroom, or run a bath, or turn on and dance to some happy music, etc. It tends to work really well. But you must DO IT, rather than think about doing it. Train yourself to use your body to override thought, rather than thinking about using your body.

[Alfonsoo]

@Leo Gura I did notice music works wonderfully for molding my mood, thus the tone of the trip, however, wouldn’t going outside, music, a bath etc. still be a distraction? Maybe it’s  my lack of experience and maybe loops like this aren’t that big of a deal. But the level at which i’m currently at they seem like a big obstacle and some research and a hunch of my self tell that behind that loop is some knowledge/ mystical experience and i don’t really feel like i should avoid it. But pushing through seems ridiculously painful and difficult.

[Marten]

@Alfonsoo  Interesting... so you're getting some mixed messages. I sense some tension in what you write, that you want to "push through" and "should" and "have to". If you're honest with yourself, I'm curious, what is it that you want to do?

[Leo Gura]

28 minutes ago, Alfonsoo said:

still be a distraction?

Make up your mind about what you want.

A distraction is just what you need when you're stuck in negative spiral.

[OBEler]

@Leo Gura I thought you should not resist any experience during a trip and just accept all so therefore don't do anything against it.  A distraction is for me a resistance to the experience.

[Leo Gura]

@OBEler Enjoy hell then.

[Recursoinominado]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

@OBEler Enjoy hell then.

[Nahm]

@Alfonsoo

There is still much importance given to what you think. You’re wrestling with letting go, and a trip is not the ideal time to do it. In that case, any distraction / change of experience is ideal. Daily morning meditation, working your way up to an hour of letting thoughts go by returning attention to breathing & feeling...along with writing about how you feel now, in regard to anything emotional that arises & empties out...along with a clean diet & some fitness...would ‘clean you right out’. I know those trip thought loops, and believe it or not, what is experienced as quite scary & terrible...becomes so funny you can’t even stand it (in a hilariously pleasant way). 

Also, the key imo, is not proceeding with the contextualizing it was a “bad” trip. Try to relate / get the message instead. 

[knakoo]

If it gets too bad, you can always take 10-15 pills of valerian. It will destroy any anxiety you feel without killing the trip. Use it as a last resort though, because you can learn a lot from a "bad trip".

[OctagonOctopus]

@OBEler

You can use a distraction to ground oneself back into presence, then start moving towards that instead of whatever hell vortex one was in. 

[Call Me Whatever]

Thank you for sharing.

I've done a lot of LSD all of which was masturbatory, and before spirituality. 

Just reading your report I felt the penumbra of bad trips gone by, which tells me I'm most certainly not ready to engage them again at this point in my development. 

Your post solidified the decision. 

[Call Me Whatever]

12 hours ago, Alfonsoo said:

@AlwaysBeNice It does feel like sometimes i’m in a real life, sober endless loop of distraction (technology filed, just like my bad trip), of course without the intensity and extreme nature of an actual trip. How ever I can’t find my self a way out. Of course I know what I have to do (the spiritual practices) but I just can’t break loose of the addiction (and maybe laziness).

Yes.

Phone addiction is essentially a bad trip.