Motivation From Rock Bottom

[Raptorsin7]

I feel like i'm at rock bottom. I feel like a loser, and I have a giant blue shadow around discipline, work ethic, grit, etc. I'm an immoral personal, and i have no code or ethics by which i live my life.

Does anyone have experience of being at rock bottom, and how they turned it around? 

I'm basically a complete loser right now, but i still have no desire or will to make radical changes. I have reached to various therapists, analysts, psychiatrists etc so i'm going to throw the book at this, but i do feel if anyone of this is going to work it has to start with me, and i just feel like a complete and total fuck up who isn't capable or willing to make necessary changes.

[zeroISinfinity]

Will shadow GrandMaster help. 

Polar bear is off. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Get off your ass and whatever you beleive you have to do just do it. 

You still want things handled to you on silver plate. 

 

Edited July 25, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[Mu_]

5 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Will shadow GrandMaster help. 

Polar bear is off. 

Huh?

 

5 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Get off your ass and whatever you beleive you have to do just do it. 

You still want things handled to you on silver plate. 

 

Do you know him personally?  Why do you assume he wants things handed to him on a silver plate?

[Mu_]

7 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I feel like i'm at rock bottom. I feel like a loser, and I have a giant blue shadow around discipline, work ethic, grit, etc. I'm an immoral personal, and i have no code or ethics by which i live my life.

Does anyone have experience of being at rock bottom, and how they turned it around? 

I'm basically a complete loser right now, but i still have no desire or will to make radical changes. I have reached to various therapists, analysts, psychiatrists etc so i'm going to throw the book at this, but i do feel if anyone of this is going to work it has to start with me, and i just feel like a complete and total fuck up who isn't capable or willing to make necessary changes.

I've been pretty rock bottom, but I don't think my resolution will fit your circumstance.  It sounds like you may be going through a heavy case of self judgement.

By what definition of loser are you?  Your own?  Your parents?  Your friends?  Your culture?  All of them?  Do those definitions define you or are those just their perceptions? 

Again are you a immoral person with no code of ethics or is this only in comparison to blue moral and ethical codes?

 

[zeroISinfinity]

Eh ok will help you out @Raptorsin7. But I promisse blood and sweat first then sweet part.Meet ya at journal ask any question will answer. Roulette spins. 

Oh boyo everyone becomes shadow GrandMaster copycat. There’s only one Shadow GrandMaster and he's da best. Enough with  paying respect to GM. 

[Raptorsin7]

4 hours ago, Mu_ said:

By what definition of loser are you?  Your own?  Your parents?  Your friends?  Your culture?  All of them?  Do those definitions define you or are those just their perceptions? 

I guess according to my standards, and my families standards, more so mine. 

I just feel like a loser/ think i'm a loser. I have no disicpline, i have no work ethic, i am a yo-yo self helper, one week i feel good and have good habits, then i'll slip back into depression for a month, nothing sticks. 

It's all in my head how i view myself, and how I think about myself. But i just keep coming back to the self judgement and criticism, and i remain stuck. Like last night i told myself i have to get up right when i wake up so i can be productive, but the moment i woke up i just caved and layed in bed. I just laid in bed for like 3 hours because i liked the comfort of the bed, and I could feel the resistance just sitting there and i did nothing to go through it. 

I have no direction, i have no goals, i have no desires. Life is meaningless and i'm just stuck. And i can't even will myself out of it. Like i've tried to go to the track and run for miles because running is a good antidepressant and it could build will power and make my mind tougher, but then i just give up after like a few laps. I'm just mentally weak.

4 hours ago, Mu_ said:

gain are you a immoral person with no code of ethics or is this only in comparison to blue moral and ethical codes?

 

I'm selfish and i only think about myself. I literally care nothing about the troubles of others. I read on here that spirituality is nothing without morals and it makes sense because i've meditated a lot but i've gotten virtually nowhere, but i haven't lived by any moral codes or rules. I don't even think i can live by moral rules, i would start then i would just give up and be back here complaining about it.

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity You already tried helping me, and i agree with your assessment but your advice does not resonate. I'm not even ready to bleed and sweat, i have no motivation at all, if you tell me to bleed and sweat i'll say no and just remain stuck. I don't know where the solution is, but given where i'm at i just can't/won't do it. 

[Mu_]

"I have no disicpline, i have no work ethic, i am a yo-yo self helper, one week i feel good and have good habits, then i'll slip back into depression for a month, nothing sticks. "

But how does this make you a loser?  See your judge, jury and executioner here.  Another way of putting it is you believe yourself to be guilty of being a loser "judge" based upon the evidence work eithic, yo-yo self help, no discipline, "jury", and most likely you feel depressed about this, self hate in some way, wish you were something other "executioner".

I bet something closer to the Truth is you do have some degree of discipline, some degree of ethics, and you probably care some degree about others at various times. 

Also guess what most people are concerned and thinking about themselves more so than others, its so common its normal, no need to feel like the blacksheep and beat yourself up over it, you can't just say "hey, I should care 10x more right now and into the future", it doesnt work that way.  First start with eliminating beating yourself up, then incorporate appreciation and gratitude for what you do have.

Are you free of major illness?  Do most of your body parts work?  Do you have food each day?  Shelter?  Guess what, its not a given or a promise from life that you get those, so say a little thank you inside and out, not because you must or someones forcing, but because trust me it can get so much worse.  Dont wait till you lose something for you to miss it and wish it was still here.

 

[Raptorsin7]

@Mu_ Thank you.

I'm actively seeking out therapy so I guess that will be the main focus is dealing with the negative thinking and feeling. 

I think asking for and receiving advice will be more beneficial when I'm confident I can actually follow through. Right now everything is just words and I just assume that it wont work and/or I wont do it 

[Farnaby]

@Raptorsin7 is it possible that you do care about others but have trouble connecting emotionally to them?

If you're concerned that you are inmoral and selfish, that makes me think that you actually do care and you have empathy. 

You don't need to answer here, but I encourage you to ask yourself if you've always felt like this or if it started at some point.

Maybe you were hurt emotionally and withdrew from people and that's why you feel you don't care about them? 

Sometimes, very sensible and empathetic people get hurt or shamed for being that way and they start isolating from people and disconnecting from feelings like love/gratitude, etc.

Just some ideas that come to mind, sorry if I'm completely wrong.

[Raptorsin7]

@Farnaby I remeber being a happy, sociable kid when I was in grade 3. Then something happened between grade 3 and grade 4 and after that life started to suck. I hated school, got bullied, was unhappy etc. 

I've had ups and downs since then, but I've never returned the quality of life I had when I was a kid.

[Gesundheit]

@Raptorsin7 hey buddy I'm in your shoes in the exact same situation only I don't judge and criticize myself as much. I don't think I'm a loser neither do I suffer from my situation. It's just who I am so why complain? 

Anyway I'm not here to suggest solutions cuz I have none. I will simply talk about myself assuming that you are experiencing something similar.

So far I have formed many theories for why I am the way I am. But only two stood out above the rest.

1. I am not born to be a leader. Just not my thing.
2. I lack certain external components that cannot be generated internally otherwise, like a certain drug for example.

I can elaborate on each one if you want that. But you mentioned going to psychiatrists and stuff, what did they tell you? Did they describe any meds? I was thinking about this but I still am forming other theories so I keep postponing that.

[Raptorsin7]

@Keyhole @Gesundheit Have either of you ever formed a deep emotional connection with another human being, where you felt fully comfortable to share any side of you, and you were able to express emotions with said person that you couldn't with anyone else?

I've been looking into therapy a lot recently, and i think the core of my problem is in emotional dis-regulation. I am emotionally suppressed and emotionally immature, which i think bleeds into my life and is responsible for my series of set backs. My parents were emotionally immature, so i think early on in life i didn't have my emotional needs met and so i shut down emotionally. 

I've never formed a secure relationship with a fully functioning human being because my trauma/personality would cause me to only seek other broken people who just reinforced the status quo, and allowed me to maintain my emotional system intact without questioning. 

My theory is that i must form an emotional connection with another human being, in this case a therapist, so that i can learn to express and process my repressed emotions and bring the suppressed parts of me to life. I think it has to be done with another human being, not sure if this can be done alone. Once there is a healthy  satisfying relationship with another human being, i imagine i will use that as a model through which to form other relationships and live my life.

This is my best guess. I don't think i can solve this alone, or with just self help techniques and psychs. I have to get to the core of my trauma and understand why i'm so fked up, and learn to process emotions that have kept me stunted for so long.

[Gesundheit]

@Raptorsin7 I have. That deep emotional connection was with my soulmate. We stayed together for 4 months which were the second best part of my life so far (second to the enlightenment part), but then something occurred. Now she's psychotic hallucinating stuff and seeing delusions. When we were together, everything was perfect. Now I'm back to my original mode. However, I feel like something is changing but I can't quite figure it out. It maybe a change for a deeper rock bottom idk.

So anyway I think what you're thinking of goes into my second theory category. We lack certain external components that cannot be generated internally otherwise, in my case it was a soulmate (other gf archetypes would not work).

See, since the ego/self-image is imaginary, it has to be created out of nothing. I am not yet able to do that on my own. It has to be created by someone else. When I was a kid, I never had goals. So I took my parents goals and internalized them as mine. When I grew up a little bit more, I still didn't have goals. So I took my friends goals and internalized them as mine. Right now, I still don't have goals but I don't have the kind of friends who have vision/goals. And so I am technically lost. In fact, I don't like being around people who have vision/goals. I deep down think that they're deluded, two weeks ago I stopped talking to one of my friends immediately right after I found out she was passionate about something. I stopped feeling comfortable around her anymore. She asked me what happened. I told her that I don't want to talk and that was it.

I think the whole thing is tricky because it has to do with identity/self-image/values.

Edited July 26, 2020 by Gesundheit

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Raptorsin7 What keeps you alive?

[Gesundheit]

@28 cm unbuffed

7 minutes ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

@Raptorsin7 What keeps you alive?

for me it's the lack of death. Tbh I am eagerly waiting for my death to come but it's not happening. Not that I'm suicidal, not at all. I rarely have any suicidal thoughts and I've never felt the need to act on them. See, I don't even have enough motivation to go about seeking death. I just want death to occur to me on its own. I am already dead so to speak.

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Gesundheit you're talking bullshit, If you want it to happen on itself, then just stop eating, drinking and just lie down and wait for it to happen. 

[Gesundheit]

6 minutes ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

@Gesundheit you're talking bullshit, If you want it to happen on itself, then just stop eating, drinking and just lie down and wait for it to happen. 

You don't understand.

First of all, that's a very slow and painful way to die. Secondly, I couldn't do that even if I wanted to because I live with my family so they would force food and water on me. Thirdly, that would be suicide. Fourthly, I am in fact content with my life as it is and I am flowing with it. Maybe you got the wrong impression but I don't hate my life and I don't passionately love it either. I don't feel any emotion in particular towards life. It's neutral to me. Death, on the other hand, is something new and mysterious, and therefore interesting to me.

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Gesundheit That's far more interesting. I think all of this work that we are presented to here is about what you are describing - to die, before you die. Isn't' that enlightenment? Or are you talking about an ordinary death?

Edited July 26, 2020 by 28 cm unbuffed