Extreme hate

[Mosess]

I hate everything, Literally.

I hate my friends, my family, society, people, life in general. I can feel it everyday from when i wake up until i go back to sleep, then hope that i never wake up the day after and when i do, i just try to sleep again, and again until i get headaches from oversleeping. I can't bear it anymore and i hate saying this because it makes me sound weak.

Those fucking thoughts in my head visualizing my self committing suicide in every way possible, from jumping from my rooftop to smashing my head in a wall until my skull breaks. But i would rather feel this hatred and pain then transfer it to someone else like my mom, although i fucking hate her too. (i feel guilty for saying this because she is my "mom".)

These mixed feelings of loneliness, despair and hate that i am carrying inside of me everyday makes me want to isolate myself even more. It is as if i am a living black hole which is endlessly sucking itself alive. I hate interacting with people because i lost hope in everything. I feel that talking is as useless as living. meaningless. Talking to anyone makes me feel as if i am the stupidest human that could possibly live on this planet. makes me want to lock myself into a soundproof room for a couple of days.

sometimes i think what my life would have looked like if i just cared about the mundane shit that everyone seems to care about and just died in peace instead of suffering like this.

Edited July 23, 2020 by Mosess

[Zak]

Life purpose! Everything will melt away with that. People who have no purpose have the same energy. Go and pursue your dreams. Lose yourself in the process. Dont think too much. Go become a monk! 

[Member]

Lol, I used to be the same (still kinda am if I'm interacting with idiots) but you should understand that people are not to blame for their stupid behavior. What you actually hate are just ego-based weaknesses, so there's no reason to waste your energy on hating weak people. Learn to cultivate self-love, eat healthy, do physical exercises, find some activities that bring you pleasure and elevate your mind. If you continue focusing on hate and death, it will just bring YOU more damage... besides this, people don't give a flying fuck about your hate which is just a desperate search for self-love.

[Preety_India]

 

Maybe do some shadow work to know where it's coming from. 

 

[electroBeam]

@Mosess Are you willing to have an open mind? Embrace the counter intuitive nature of life?

See what you want to do is avoid the hate, run away from it, manipulate your brain so that you don't feel the hate anymore.

What if you took the completely absurd ("crazy wisdom" as the Buddhists call it) counter intuitive approach and fully embrace, dive into and immerse yourself with all that hate. Just love that hate to bits, just get in there and hug it and play with it.

When you are at a beach, and a massive wave comes, you can either jump over the wave, or dunk your head under it. Your mind tells you to jump over the wave, because dunking your head under the water is extremely scary, you can't see anymore and its horrible. But what's gonna happen if you jump over the wave? You're gonna smash right into it! The real answer to getting over the wave is to close your eyes and dunk under it.

Same goes with hate, don't try to avoid or "jump over it" dunk under it, embrace the pain, dive into the pain, dive into it so much that you don't feel how horrible it is because you're so immersed in it. 

[Mu_]

On 7/23/2020 at 10:35 AM, Mosess said:

I hate everything, Literally.

I hate my friends, my family, society, people, life in general. I can feel it everyday from when i wake up until i go back to sleep, then hope that i never wake up the day after and when i do, i just try to sleep again, and again until i get headaches from oversleeping. I can't bear it anymore and i hate saying this because it makes me sound weak.

Those fucking thoughts in my head visualizing my self committing suicide in every way possible, from jumping from my rooftop to smashing my head in a wall until my skull breaks. But i would rather feel this hatred and pain then transfer it to someone else like my mom, although i fucking hate her too. (i feel guilty for saying this because she is my "mom".)

These mixed feelings of loneliness, despair and hate that i am carrying inside of me everyday makes me want to isolate myself even more. It is as if i am a living black hole which is endlessly sucking itself alive. I hate interacting with people because i lost hope in everything. I feel that talking is as useless as living. meaningless. Talking to anyone makes me feel as if i am the stupidest human that could possibly live on this planet. makes me want to lock myself into a soundproof room for a couple of days.

sometimes i think what my life would have looked like if i just cared about the mundane shit that everyone seems to care about and just died in peace instead of suffering like this.

Did this start happening after your enlightnement experience a while back?  If so, it sounds like ego backlash. 

Did you watch Leo's video on ego backlash? 

Ive dealt with ego back lash a lot so feel free to ask me any questions that may be helpful for you.

[Mosess]

On 7/23/2020 at 10:56 AM, Member said:

Lol, I used to be the same (still kinda am if I'm interacting with idiots) but you should understand that people are not to blame for their stupid behavior. What you actually hate are just ego-based weaknesses, so there's no reason to waste your energy on hating weak people. Learn to cultivate self-love, eat healthy, do physical exercises, find some activities that bring you pleasure and elevate your mind. If you continue focusing on hate and death, it will just bring YOU more damage... besides this, people don't give a flying fuck about your hate which is just a desperate search for self-love.

I lost complete interest in activities that used to bring me joy. I cant feel joy anymore. i forgot how that felt a long time ago. I cannot even smile authentically, you know, like actually smile or laugh. Smiling now makes me feel even more worse because i just fake it so people don't ask me whats wrong or even worse think that they are the problem. And what i realized is that i HATE attention. I just Hate when people look at me and i found out that the more "authentic" my body language is, the more they look at me and of course try to "engage" with me in any way possible and the cycle repeats itself. 

[Mosess]

On 7/23/2020 at 4:20 PM, Keyhole said:

Do you ever smoke weed?

my advice is to get some really strong stuff and maybe some sugar wax to top it off with.  Sativa works best.

Notice when that good feeling energy goes into your heart, how all problems melt away, try then writing out how you feel, be as truthful as possible, and hold on to the good feeling of connection in your heart.

What you will notice is that there will be a dichotomy between your thoughts and the feeling in your chest, this can be really difficult as it's something that I am still working on, but you will want to live from that energetic place and completely ignore what is going on in your head.  When you feel the emotion breathe into it, as strongly and deeply as you can feel, without adding a story to the situation that makes you feel as though you hate people, bring that hatred and that energy up into your heart area.  

It takes retraining your brain in order to do this, so view it the same way you would view exercise, you are training a muscle.  the fact that you feel so much hatred actually means that you feel a lot of love it's just stifled in the wrong area in your body.

if you have trouble to remember to check in with your heart you can use things like a rubber band around your wrist and snap it every time you feel hatred and it starts becoming a mental story, you can also use a timer on your phone that reminds you to check in with your heart a few times a day.

you actually can do this and it is very easy to do once you're able to hack into that.  if you keep feeding the hate it will eventually destroy you and so you really really really need to put that energy into your heart area and you need to do it for yourself and no one else.

It's okay to feel those emotions life is difficult.  But it's your responsibility to transmute those emotions.

Do you have any hobbies or creative endeavors?  You can take those emotions and transmute them creatively.

emotions create all of existence and so if you get stuck in a place of hatred your consciousness will actually create that in the outer world, and when you start coming from a place of love it will change.  I mean really even colors will be more vibrant.  

All it takes is that one eanie teenie, little bitty brain hack, and then a bit of discipline and time to reroute those atrophied circuits.

give these lyrics a serious listen even if you're not into this particular type of music the artist tries to show its audience where the energy should be put.  Empathy for other people and yourself is the key to growing spiritually.  

"Dreams unwind loves a state of mind" Stevie nicks.

Thank you keyhole but IMOP, i dont think this will work but i'll give it a couple of tries. 

[Mosess]

9 hours ago, Mu_ said:

Did this start happening after your enlightnement experience a while back?  If so, it sounds like ego backlash. 

Did you watch Leo's video on ego backlash? 

Ive dealt with ego back lash a lot so feel free to ask me any questions that may be helpful for you.

Watched it a couple of times, makes me feel better at first knowing that i'm not going through with this alone, but then makes me think about how fucked up i am to actually subconsciously want people to suffer like me. Feel what i am feeling just so that i don't feel lonely.

My question is, why do i feel like a fucking devil. Like Literally inside of me, i feel like i don't wish the best for anyone anymore like i used too when i am interacting with anyone. Like i am filled with hate, envy, pride, you name it. Every negative aspect that could be named in a human being. Its like on the outside i'm a cute cat that seems harmless, but take a look at whats happening on the inside and you'll be up for a surprise. a fucking monster. Makes me think, if i was another person that was interacting with myself, i would NOT want to be my friend. I would NOT want to even talk to myself given what i just explained in this paragraph.

This happened after my "enlightenment" experience yes. i would not call it enlightenment as i have zero fucking clue what that was. It fucked up my whole interpretation of everything. Made me realize how much i didn't know anything. And now every interaction i have with anyone even if its a close friend I've got the mindset of "I don't know anything", hence feeling stupid/indecisive while doing anything. 

Since everyone claims to be so certain of who they are and what this fucking weird reality we are all living in is, makes me feel even more stupid, ignorant and lonely. I LITERALLY don't know who i am, let that sync in. How can i know what anything is if i don't know what or who i am.

Edited July 25, 2020 by Mosess
clarity

[Mu_]

3 hours ago, Mosess said:

Watched it a couple of times, makes me feel better at first knowing that i'm not going through with this alone, but then makes me think about how fucked up i am to actually subconsciously want people to suffer like me. Feel what i am feeling just so that i don't feel lonely.

My question is, why do i feel like a fucking devil. Like Literally inside of me, i feel like i don't wish the best for anyone anymore like i used too when i am interacting with anyone. Like i am filled with hate, envy, pride, you name it. Every negative aspect that could be named in a human being. Its like on the outside i'm a cute cat that seems harmless, but take a look at whats happening on the inside and you'll be up for a surprise. a fucking monster. Makes me think, if i was another person that was interacting with myself, i would NOT want to be my friend. I would NOT want to even talk to myself given what i just explained in this paragraph.

This happened after my "enlightenment" experience yes. i would not call it enlightenment as i have zero fucking clue what that was. It fucked up my whole interpretation of everything. Made me realize how much i didn't know anything. And now every interaction i have with anyone even if its a close friend I've got the mindset of "I don't know anything", hence feeling stupid/indecisive while doing anything. 

Since everyone claims to be so certain of who they are and what this fucking weird reality we are all living in is, makes me feel even more stupid, ignorant and lonely. I LITERALLY don't know who i am, let that sync in. How can i know what anything is if i don't know what or who i am.

Ya this phase can be very troubling and may take a lot of love, patience and understanding to travel through so to say.

I'm going to ask you a few questions, and I want you to really penetrate into these questions and sit with them with a investigative openess.  Don't rush this process, let it be something you really look into perhaps over the next few weeks at first.

Are you the monster that your experiencing "inside", or are You "whats aware" of this monster? 

Is it true that your hearing this monster "inside", is is it true your feeling this monster "inside" and if it is, are you the monster or only that which hears and feels this energetic "monster"? 

Now look closer, is this "monster" really a monster or is it what is currently being labeled a monster?

What is the underlying form of this monster?  Images?  Thoughts?  Emotions?  A combination? 

 

If any of this is unclear after you try looking into, let me know and I can phrase it differently.  Let me know what you come up with in a few days otherwise and if anything shifts or opens up that is new.

[Mosess]

 

On 7/24/2020 at 8:41 PM, Mu_ said:

Ya this phase can be very troubling and may take a lot of love, patience and understanding to travel through so to say.

I'm going to ask you a few questions, and I want you to really penetrate into these questions and sit with them with a investigative openess.  Don't rush this process, let it be something you really look into perhaps over the next few weeks at first.

Are you the monster that your experiencing "inside", or are You "whats aware" of this monster? 

Is it true that your hearing this monster "inside", is is it true your feeling this monster "inside" and if it is, are you the monster or only that which hears and feels this energetic "monster"? 

Now look closer, is this "monster" really a monster or is it what is currently being labeled a monster?

What is the underlying form of this monster?  Images?  Thoughts?  Emotions?  A combination? 

 

If any of this is unclear after you try looking into, let me know and I can phrase it differently.  Let me know what you come up with in a few days otherwise and if anything shifts or opens up that is new.

Yea, i am what is currently being labeled as a monster, and I am the one who is labeling my self as that.

In fact, i am also labeling everyone else as a monster aside me, why? Because no one that i know of gives a shit. a single SHIT about anyone but their "self", and that is STILL not the problem.

For example, i talked to my closest friends about my thoughts, what did they do? They looked at me as if i was trivial, told me that "my problem" is that i was doing useless meaningless shit in my life. (Contemplating Reality). I can see how they are right and wrong simultaneously.

I just had a conversation with one of my friends yesterday;

"Are you aware that you are alive RIGHT NOW?"

"yes, i am aware"

"and that is a normal thing? to be?"

"yes"

"What is NORMAL about THIS?"

"i am alive and i will die one day, stop thinking about trivial shit like this and....." (gets angry)

Hence, feeling stupid talking to anyone about the thing that is happening to all of us, or only me i guess.

The solution might be simple, don't talk to people about it. I have tried that, but then i just stay silent (which i enjoy actually) and watch them talk until they notice that i am silent and ask me why, and the cycle repeats itself. 

[Mu_]

6 hours ago, Mosess said:

 

Yea, i am what is currently being labeled as a monster, and I am the one who is labeling my self as that.

In fact, i am also labeling everyone else as a monster aside me, why? Because no one that i know of gives a shit. a single SHIT about anyone but their "self", and that is STILL not the problem.

For example, i talked to my closest friends about my thoughts, what did they do? They looked at me as if i was trivial, told me that "my problem" is that i was doing useless meaningless shit in my life. (Contemplating Reality). I can see how they are right and wrong simultaneously.

I just had a conversation with one of my friends yesterday;

"Are you aware that you are alive RIGHT NOW?"

"yes, i am aware"

"and that is a normal thing? to be?"

"yes"

"What is NORMAL about THIS?"

"i am alive and i will die one day, stop thinking about trivial shit like this and....." (gets angry)

Hence, feeling stupid talking to anyone about the thing that is happening to all of us, or only me i guess.

The solution might be simple, don't talk to people about it. I have tried that, but then i just stay silent (which i enjoy actually) and watch them talk until they notice that i am silent and ask me why, and the cycle repeats itself. 

So have you just tried a few days of not labeling yourself or others a monster?  So what if people or you only think about yourself, it is what is, not monsterous, not loving, not bad, not sad, not wrong, not right.  Just let it be as you think you see it and don react.   I bet theres more going on in every moment then just people being selfish, there's probably more depth to these people.  I'd wager each of them and yourself have things they care about, things they suffer from, challenges that are unique to each person like a health issue or a struggling loved one.  We all feel pain.   I'm hoping you may see life and moments are larger then they appear.  Dont be so quick to judge others or yourself based upon just your momentary view.

[Mosess]

On 8/7/2020 at 9:58 AM, Mu_ said:

So have you just tried a few days of not labeling yourself or others a monster?  So what if people or you only think about yourself, it is what is, not monsterous, not loving, not bad, not sad, not wrong, not right.  Just let it be as you think you see it and don react.   I bet theres more going on in every moment then just people being selfish, there's probably more depth to these people.  I'd wager each of them and yourself have things they care about, things they suffer from, challenges that are unique to each person like a health issue or a struggling loved one.  We all feel pain.   I'm hoping you may see life and moments are larger then they appear.  Dont be so quick to judge others or yourself based upon just your momentary view.

<3

Edited August 9, 2020 by Mosess

[Nahm]

On 7/23/2020 at 10:35 AM, Mosess said:

 

I hate everything, Literally

 

That is not what literally means. Literally, you are unconditional love, which is why some thoughts don’t resonate. Here’s a song a guy wrote about realizing this. Listen closely to the last couple of lines. 

[Mosess]

On 8/15/2020 at 5:07 AM, Nahm said:

That is not what literally means. Literally, you are unconditional love, which is why some thoughts don’t resonate. Here’s a song a guy wrote about realizing this. Listen closely to the last couple of lines. 

Touched my heart