What you do on this situation?

[Sandy6]

Thank you for responses on my thread before https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/50209-advice-to-letting-go-of-pure-o-ocd/, it helps, many insight and i appreciate. And the answers before might works, suits or similar if apply on this thread, but by continuing with start new thread using more specific question, plus new understanding, i think can get better outcome.

After contemplating, i ask myself: what the most important question to ask people for dealing with pure o ocd? Then i get that the question is from what the sufferer fear the most. And of course the answer here not as medical advice, but will help others in almost same condition. From a general perspective (self-help), you as friend / forum member. So it's not only for me, but apart from my story, your reply can be read for others too. After i search, there are many suffers with ocd on this forum, also a lot of silent reader / guest who views from different reference until found Actualized personal development forum. 

On my case (i am courage try not be ashamed to share here), while i doing work or activity, i have sexual obsession; a naked images about people/ friend in the past who i didn't like (some man) because was bullied me for example. Please notice, i'm not traumatic, won't forgiving, or can't love others since i have people as obsession on previous thread like someone i respect. So trauma is not the main cause here, but on the horrible thought that can't stop. Almost 16 hours a day for last 8 month unless i sleep or forgot. Sometimes i am accidentally think naked images while analyzing to found solution (not as intrusive thought) and make me feel wrong. And guilt more sins if happen on cause effect way. Instead of letting go, my thought want destroy myself.

So, the key problem is in the work/ life which i think are important is believed or understand as contaminated with naked thought, especially if i remember on future. For example, "Oh i started this 6 years project while i have naked thought person i hate. Damn...!". My problem is described as emotional or mental contamination http://www.psychologyandbehavior.com/ocd-starting-over-compulsions-undoing/ even act way continuously spread, such when one of my activity contaminated by negative thought (for example: going to coffee and having bad thought), so while i doing work then remember going to coffee shop it make my job contaminated too. 

In the past, i learn concept on my religion; that work can't be blessed by God if we doing bad at the same time. Then this is trigger my thought to think bad, particularly porn about people i know. Now, i'm not care about bless instead become very unpleasant. I even feel good if imagining cute girl LOL. That's case make me anxiety and doing compulsions like repeating small task over and over again until have no negative thought. So my main fear is not on the thought, but on contaminated work or something in life (activity/ idea) that i think is matter.

This is why hard to me for doing exposure or acceptance, even just aware. Many said that the neurotic solution is by going meta because ego is the root problem. And this disorder can gave opportunity for true grow. But yeah, based from own personal experience, is difficult to work on newbie like me. 

When you feel contaminated on your work, what you gonna do on the same situation?

Without or to prevent from compulsion. I know it seems irrational. All fear is relative and imaginary. How can thought contaminating activity or my decision. While i try to not give any power on the thought, because are uncontrolled, meaningless, and make stuck on guilt, it's hard, excuse me or sorry if i stubborn. And when something is more important and thought are more worst, it get harder to let go. Seems like i have no choice between reacting a.k.a being stupid or rationalize disgust about my life. If i doing nothing, what attitude i gonna hold. That's why i am asking.

It's not mean i ask the same problem again or make overthink. But need different insight from different kind of question. I am aware perhaps there are many advice, but strong or not depend on me, so i must really committed to get healed. If any mistake from everything i said, apologize, i also on the way of learning and practice to love myself : )

nb: after bunch of research, try some method, doing many healthy habits, even just keep on routine and stop trying then hoping can heal or reduce itself, seek help including psychological counseling and alternative medicine, i have plan go to psychiatrist next time. I will keep going, through live on place which rare for mental help options, on social distancing time, also grind with financial problem. I believe there are hope. The reply which posted here will help a lot as tips for my next treatment. And others too. I just realize that if we got certain problem, especially internal, you need seek help as much as you possibly can. We can't do it all alone.

Much Love <3

Sandy

Edited July 21, 2020 by Sandy6