Purification before awakening

[Vrubel]

Hello everybody,

I am already three years on my journey to awakening and since this spring I have started doing 5-meo-dmt. My approach was to start with low dosages and to gradually and systematically move up to a breakthrough dosage. For me "shit began to get real" only when I moved up to plugging 50-60mg, it's here that I realised it is not a cute little part of me that will die but in a sense my whole being and everything that I hold dear. So after that I decided to gradually lower my dosages, also because I know that 50-60mg is a crazy high dosage (in normal circumstances for the average person). And I am noticing that my trips are not necessarily getting weaker, so I intend on continuing my gradual decline in dosage until I hope that I can have a breakthrough on a more average breakthrough dosage. as of now I went trough a whole packet without breaking trough. 

Let me describe my trips because apart from maybe the different insights that I got, the overall gist of the trips are the same: The come-up phase involves a lot of fear and purification accompanied with compulsions to puke. In my last trip I actually puked out my stomach acid (I didn't consume anything that day). But all of this makes sense because the ego/body will apply every trick in the book to try to fight the dramatic raise in consciousness. But after the come-up which lasts 10 to 20 minutes comes the high, which always starts with a huge sigh of relief that the come-up phase is over. In the high-phase I always seem to do the same thing: Yoga. This is not some yoga according to established techniques but it is just me twisting and stretching in the way I see fit. The 5-meo induced consciousness already makes all of my muscles super relax. And I notice that all of my exercises revolve around the lower back. So am I working up to a kundalini awakening? 

But all of the above is just the background for the thing I really want to talk about and that is a dream I had last night, and by no means was this a normal dream. First I need to tell you that a few years ago when I was in bed somewhere at the halfway point between being awake and fully sleeping. At the point where you are not really sleeping but nonetheless have dreamlike "stories" playing out "in the brain". At that point, a certain kind of energy befall me. It was a kind of energy to which I could surrender-to or recoil from. That night I recoiled Immediately out of fear. Afterwards I console my self with an amount of self-love I was not normally capable of and out of curiosity I decided to no longer recoil from this energy but to surrender in to it if it comes back. After all, by leaving me it listened end "respected" my reaction so it definitely has a kind of benevolence to it. By the way, years before that I made a similar commitment with nightmares that I will not recoil and open my eyes but face them till the end. The reason I recoiled so fast from that energy that befall upon me was because I felt it wanted to "abduct" me for a lack of a better word, I even lifted up and started floating above my bed (paranormal style) . Also at that time this energy had a alien vibe about it, I even could hear UFO sounds, the same that you hear in every retro sci-fi movie.
And over the years this energy revisited and I surrendered in it the best I could. There was fear and there was love, and so was the case last night. But I think because of the 5-meo and the resulting purifying I have been recently doing, the energy was particularly strong.

So what happend: At this point it barely comes into my mind to recoil so again I tried to surrender to it the best I could. The energy lifted me up a meter or two, flipped me and put me back down. this repeated itself a couple of times. During this time all kinds of fears came up. I remember worrying that my mother might see me flip and freak out (even though I live on my own). But my biggest fear was that I would die because I will forget or seize to breath. And while being flipped like a burger I sometime had to wildly grasp for air. I asked my self: did I wildly grasp for air only in the dream or in real life as well? And It is here that I made the insight that "real life" is just as illusionary (or real for that matter) as the dream I am having. 

When I came down from the flipping and the energy slowly left me. Is saw a shadowy humanoid figure standing in the corner of the room. I think it was my literal (psychological) shadow. While looking at it I evoked love. There was fear but the love and wisdom was stronger. I did not recoil for no coward soul is mine(;

The last thing I want to say and my message to you is that working up to awakening takes a lot of purifying yourself which means confronting and letting go of fears. even though this experience may sound very scary and negative, you must know that the mercy of god was always with me as it is with you. Again this energy respected me, so if I recoiled out of fear it would have respected that decision and leave me alone. You must know that the mercy of God is also always with you. In one of my 5-meo trips I made this insight that God plays the Uncle Iroh archetype (from avatar the animation serie).  Even though you are a devil that lost his ways. God loves you and is nonetheless always there for you, blessing you in all kinds of ways. His blessings, you take for granted or may slip under your radar. I am a person who says thank you a lot and I usually appreciate other people for example helping me. But nonetheless during one my trips I also realised that I am really an ungrateful little shit (my words not His) for being so blind for all the ways I have been blessed.