The Joy Journal

[soos_mite_ah]

And Speaking of Things That are Weird and Bizarre....

This is basically my sense of humor at this point

 

I watched one of their movies as a kid but I never watched the show so yeah this really is out of context for me lol. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Thoughts of Dating for a Short Term Relationship

On 1/7/2021 at 9:12 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Perfectionism

In a more extreme case it can be seen in the way that I can isolate myself, especially in dating, because I feel that I need to be the best version of myself and be perfect before putting myself out there. That's a whole thing of it's own and I'm going to do another post on that. 

I talked about my prolonged sense of emotional thirstiness with a therapist the other week and I learned to see my desire in a different light. I'll explain what's going on with me just for a quick summary about my history with wanting to be in a relationship so that there is some context to my post. Also, the way I'm defining short term relationship is a committed relationship that lasts for 4-9 months. 

I have been wanting to date and be in a relationship since I was 16 (I'm 21 now). While I was in high school, I didn't let myself date because I was living in a chaotic household and was really depressed, anxious, and busy with school the entire time. I thought *hey maybe I should work on myself and sort out my issues before jumping into something so that I don't end up in a situation with a guy who will treat me badly.* And to this day I think that was a smart move. Probably saved me from a toxic situation or two. When I got to college and I started going to therapy, because I started feeling better and because in my past I told myself I could date once I solve all of my issues, I had a lot of repressed desire to go out, date, and flirt with guys come up. Most of the dates I went on were pretty mediocre so nothing really came of it but that's around the time when I began recognizing my repressed desire to romantically connect to someone. I told myself hey there is nothing wrong with dating and flirting with people but I wasn't going to get into a relationship until I know that I can be emotionally stable for 1 entire year. That means that I'm depression and anxiety free for an entire year. I said one year because to me that meant that the stability I had was consistent. 

I told my therapist about all of this, how I fall asleep every night cuddling a pillow and creating romantic scenarios in my head before I fall asleep, and how most of my thoughts when I'm not preoccupied with anything revolve around fantasies about being in a relationship. I also told him that while I had this want to get into a relationship, I was also scared that I wasn't stable enough for one. He told me that hey even if you are dealing with a little bit of anxiety and depression, you can still get those needs and experiences fulfilled. Now if it was in a situation where the anxiety and depression was debilitating, that's another story, but if you find yourself managing it, there is nothing wrong with putting yourself out there.

I told him that I was concerned with codependency, choosing a partner that wasn't good for me, and a plethora of other issues that could come from dating when you don't have your shit together. And to me, having everything together at this moment means that I am depression and anxiety free for a year, I am on top of my game academically, I have a thriving social circle, and I have a job lined up because that way I can ensure myself that I am confident enough to stay away from people who aren't good for me. To that my therapist responded by telling me that I'm pretty self aware about the potential traps that I could fall into given my anxiety and depression and that being aware of those traps and thinking through them is enough to avoid a lot of bad situations. And if I find myself in those situations where it is leading to that direction, I can set boundaries or even get out of the relationship. I'm not bound to it forever. Finally, there is nothing wrong with dating while you're still a work in progress because technically, everyone is a work in progress regardless on where they are in their lives. 

I think that's what I want to emphasize to myself, that I can date and put myself out there while still being a work in progress, that I don't have to be perfect in order to date. I also want to emphasize that I can get into a relationship and not be bound to it long term. That's a conclusion that I came to. I'm don't feel like I'm ready for a long term relationship that lasts a couple years but I also really want to scratch that emotionally thirsty itch to get a romantic equivalent of post nut clarity (I'm sorry I don't know how else to phrase it lmao ). Part of me isn't ready for a long term relationship because, first of all, I have  never been in a relationship and I have limited experience with guys so it's like going from 0-100 real quick. Another part of me wants to focus on other aspects of my life and not get too off balance. And finally, getting into a short term relationship can be like a long term relationship in training wheels of sorts. It will also challenge this notion that I have where I feel  like I have to be perfect and fully actualized before putting myself out there. 

But I haven't thought of getting into a short term until now. To me that wasn't even an option that came to my mind. For me, in my head, my options were the following from least committed to most committed: 

• (LEAST COMMITTED) A series of one night stands: I want to explore my sexuality more but personally I feel like I need to establish some type of trust and emotional connection before getting into bed with someone for quality sex. Plus I'm terrified of increasing risk of STDs from having numerous partners. I know condoms are a thing but still. 
• (KINDA COMMITTED BUT NOT REALLY- BUT IT ISN'T TOO COMPLICATED) Friends with benefits: This takes care of the trust aspect of the equation because you know the person to some extent. But for me, I want that emotional connection. I know damn well that I am the type of person that would associate sex and having romantic feelings and I don't want to put  myself in a position where I get attached to someone in a situation where I'm supposed to keep things no strings attached. Seems very unfair and drama inducing to me and the other person.
•  (KINDA COMMITTED BUT NOT REALLY- IT'S COMPLICATED) Situationships:  I would also put "situationships" in the same category as friends with benefits except to me the lines and the communication of a situationship is even more blurry to where one party thinks it has a potential to be a relationship while the other is leading them on or some variation of conflicting expectations. It's even messier than friends with benefits because at least with a friends with benefits both parties are in the same page regarding expectations. To a certain extent, labels are important and I want to know what I'm getting into because I'm not about to waste my time and put my heart in a position where I'm basically being scammed by a fuck boy. 
• (FULLY COMMITTED) Long term relationship: This takes care of the trust and the emotional connection/ romantic piece of the puzzle. But like I mentioned before in this post, I don't feel like I'm fully ready for a long term relationship. Plus when I catch myself wanting a relationship, I don't fantasize about the friendship aspects that are really supposed to create the foundation for a good long term relationship. And part of it is because I'm really emotionally thirsty and I need the romantic equivalent of post nut clarity. I should probably take that out of my system before getting into a serious relationship. 

In my opinion, a short term relationship falls in between kinda committed and fully committed. It's more like you are casually committed. You can have that romantic/ emotional aspect as well as the trust aspect in the relationship and yall are committed to each other but it isn't an all in type of commitment. With a short term relationship I can release the built up desire for wanting a relationship but I'm not getting into anything too too serious if that makes sense. It would also make dating less daunting for me because I feel like because of my perfectionistic tendencies, I find myself treating dating as a minefield of crazy people instead of something that I can have fun with. I'm really rigid about what I do and don't want in a partner, and don't get me wrong having those standards are necessary and important, but when it dips into the territory of being rigid and nitpicking someone, it goes too far. And I feel that if I were to get into a relationship knowing that it isn't super serious, I wouldn't be so perfectionistic with what kind of person I'm looking to date because I don't feel like I'm going all in with a person. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I haven't fully experienced the scenarios but they do hit home when it comes to the things I think that keep me up at night. It's not the scenarios but the emotions. This was so beautiful and it resonated with me so much. 

[soos_mite_ah]

 This explains a lot of things regarding my subtle anxieties in life

[soos_mite_ah]

currently binging on the videos on this channel.

I feel personally attacked by this video

[soos_mite_ah]

Flaws

I haven't been posting on this journal much because a lot of what creates joy for me right now is learning about food and fixing my diet. I have a separate journal dedicated to that and I have been putting most of my efforts there. 

I found a thread that was talking about what our biggest flaws were. It was talking about in the context of this forum but I began thinking of my flaws in general. I thought I would journal about it and that I would reflect on the ways I can deal with it or accept my flaws in order to cultivate more joy in my life. 

• I lack gentleness with myself and can be hypercritical.
  • This is in a variety of areas in my life and it stops me from being disciplined.
    • I base my worth on my ability to function, the quality of my consciousness, and my mental health to where I think it's a failure or I think I'm a fuck up if I'm not doing to well emotionally. So it's like I feel bad emotionally and then I beat myself up for feeling bad, making myself feel worse and the cycle continues. 
      • I carry a lot of shame in regards to where I'm at with my life currently. I hate how I'm not in college right now because of medical and mental health issues and I hate how I'm on anti depressants. I feel like a failure because of that, a complete mess. 
    • I can be really distant with friends and I tend to isolate myself when I'm going through something because I feel like there is something wrong with me. 
    • There is a part of me that feels as if I'm unworthy of connection whether it be with friends, family, and romantic partners. I feel like I have to work on myself constantly. 
      • I am extremely choosy when it comes to dating. I also tend to date with a scarcity mindset where I go in with the intention of screening a guy instead of connecting with him. 
    • I'm a procrastinator especially because of my perfectionistic tendencies.
• I lack a clear vision in regards to what I want to do with my life and where I want to go with my career. As a result, I don't fully embody my values. I also tend to demonize capitalism because of my stage green tendencies and then get into a fatalistic spiral. 
• I'm having issues with dealing with the pandemic because of the way it's impacting my family. 
• I tend to be reactive with my family and I feel like I'm still 14 around them. 
• I have body image issues which then translates to eating issues. 
• I hate some things in regards to my body. I don't like how I still have break outs. I don't like how my stomach isn't flat and how I have a little chub around the edges no matter what I do to my diet or exercise routine. 
• I don't have many friends and I need to involve myself in my hobbies more.

Edited January 30, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Shame 

I have had a lot of shame built up in me in the last few years. I'm going to list somethings I'm currently ashamed of out as an effort to reflect so that I can make an effort to work through it. 

• my grades and performance in school
• my lack of direction when it comes to what I want to pursue as a career or how to get into grad school 
• my lack of social life 
• my weird hobbies that often involve self development and spirituality 
• how I feel like the trauma aged me 
• how I have been in hermit mode working on myself 
• how I'm taking time off of college to work on my mental health therefore making me graduate a year late
• not meeting my own potential/ feeling like a blob of wasted potential
• the fact that I'm on antidepressants 
• my neurosis since I base my self worth on my well being
• some of the fantasies I want to fulfill in a relationship 
• what I have to say (sometimes I wonder if what I have to say has any value at all) 
• how I have been taking things slow/ not performing like I used to- it makes me feel like I peaked in high school.  (I remember in high school I juggled a sport, get straight A's in honor's courses and community college classes, two volunteer jobs, an internship, extra curricular activities, and still had 80% of my energy left that I used to work on myself and my emotional traumas. Now, I can't even get straight A's in college and I have to keep a close eye on my mental health.) 
• questioning my sexual orientation 
• my physical health and how that has impacted the way I look 
• any amount of social awkwardness

Edited February 2, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Anxiety 

I need to stop analyzing the source, the causes, and the anxiety I feel towards certain things and brute force my way through it and build my fear facing muscle. All this over thinking and conceptualization, though insightful, is often a higher level form of rumination as well as a type of avoidance because contemplating about a problem takes me away from actually dealing with the problem. 

Here are some things that trigger my anxiety. Most of these things are really silly and seem very minor and I am aware of it. Nevertheless, for my own sake I'm listing them all out: 

School

• My school work especially with certain classes and teachers 
• Emails 
• Applying for jobs or schools 

Putting myself out there

• Public speaking 
• The thought of running out of things to say 
• Going out and making friends 
• Having the spot light 

Edited February 3, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Desire Part 1

I'm going to have multiple journal entries venting and explaining my relationship to my sexuality and how I have been questioning it for about a year now. This might be a little too detailed (maybe not this particular post, but like future posts in this series) just a warning for anyone who would just rather not know. 

I know for a fact that I'm romantically attracted to men. I can remember as far back as preschool wanting to kiss a boy and hold hands. I most certainly had crushes on boys in my class, would sign my name with their last name in a notebook, and think up romantic situations with the boys I had a crush on when I was bored in school (it was usually a reenacting of a scene from a Barbie movie or getting married). I remember feeling some shame in regards to that mainly because at 5 kids were still really self conscious around the opposite sex and would yell "cooties!" whenever they caught a guy and a girl being friends lol.  

Then in middle school, things changed. But a part of me didn't. I remember one time when I was in the 6th grade (I must have been 12 at the time) I found someone's English notebook. I knew it belonged to one of the three girls who sat behind me but I wasn't sure whose it was.  I flipped through the notebook trying to find a name. That wasn't a good idea. A good chunk of the notebook was Mindless Behavior (for people who don't know it was a boy band) fanfiction of how this one girl was writing out her fantasy of Mindless Behavior kidnapping her and using her for sexual stuff. Ahhhh good ol' 2011 Wattpad days. I remember back then people would write all types of crazy sexual things (I'm pretty sure they still do), usually about One Direction and Justin Bieber and share that online. It was also really bad writing mainly because the people writing them were all like 10-13 years old and clearly have no idea what sex is actually like. In middle school, my friends and I would read fanfic out loud just as a joke because it was so cringy. But in this particular instance, I was uncomfortable. I shut the notebook and gave it to the three girls because I didn't want to figure out whose notebook it was anymore. They were all friends with one another so it was ok. 

Prior to that, I always thought that people who said things like "god I just want his tongue down my throat"  or any notion of getting fucked were exaggerating, mainly because I felt no such desire. Sex didn't make sense, it didn't sound appealing. But after opening that notebook I was like "huh, there are people who like this type of stuff and most of the time they aren't exaggerating. These desires are real. Maybe I'm the weird one." I brushed that thought off. I was certain I was straight. I did like boys after all. Had no inkling of an attraction towards girls. I thought I was straight by default. 

Yeah that wasn't the case. 

Edited February 3, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Desire Part 2

I wasn't straight by default. I discovered this at 14 when my friends and I were playing two truths and a lie. One of my friends told me that they had an asexual friend. I immediately pointed that as the lie among her three statements. She told me that no that statement was true. I was confused. The only context I knew for being asexual is when it came to plants and amoebas that reproduce by themselves. My friend then explained to me that asexual meant that you don't experience sexual attraction. That's when I first began questioning my sexual orientation. I knew I liked guys in a romantic sense, but I never thought of anything in the sexual sense.

I searched up asexual online and lot of the stories there mirrored my own, how a lot of people didn't think that they were asexual because they were romantically attracted to people, how they kept waiting to bloom into their sexuality but it never came, and how they thought there was something wrong with them to be indifferent around sex in a sex crazed society. A lot of it resonated with me and I began to think "hey maybe I am asexual." That summer, I watched a shit ton of porn of all genres to see if I would get turned on. Nothing happened. It was boring as hell. I tried masturbating. Nothing happened. After all that I decided, you know what, I guess I really am asexual. I switched schools around this time and I began being openly asexual for the rest of high school. 

Ok, so now I'm going to be shifting gears a bit. That is the sexual part of the equation, but what about love in general? In middle school I had a very cynical view of love. I had this idea that authentic love was very rare. 

The reason why I had a really cynical view of love was because there was this one guy that I liked (I'm calling him Pete in this post because he is a dumpster fire and I'm going to be using the names of Ariana Grande's exes from Thank U, Next). I hung around Pete and his toxic group of friends. They were mainly toxic because they based their worth around how many girls they can date and if you weren't in a relationship you were some undesirable loser who was going to die alone. To be honest, I don't even remember why I liked this guy. I guess it might have been because he stood up for me and was generally nice but my memory is a little hazy because it was like a decade ago now. It most certainly not because of looks, even then I thought he was ugly and that he looked like an alpaca but hey that didn't stop me from liking him. 

Anyway, these guys also had a bad view on women and they basically reduced them down to their looks. I remember I told this guy I liked him and he politely rejected me. That wasn't the hurtful part though. A couple weeks later I found out that he was talking about me behind my back and was making fun of my weight and how he would never date a brown girl (mind you he is also brown so there is a lot of internalized racism) because brown girls are ugly and prude. That broke me at the time. Something like that happened again in college but by that time I was pretty secure in my identity and I brushed it off as *honestly I don't want to date a guy with that much self hatred anyway, the trash took itself out*. But the first time this happened, I was 12. I remember crying myself to sleep, not because he was an asshole but more so because I had the bad judgement to fall for a guy like that. My sense of trust in myself was shattered.  

One of the ways that I wanted to build up my sense of trust is by leaning into hyper rationalism since I was going through a stoic/ logical phase at the time. I decided that I wasn't going to listen to my emotions anymore. After all, how credible could they be since I fell for such an asshole? During this time I really made it a point to separate the categories of love and lust. To me, a lot of those guys were blinded by lust, they never cared about any of these girls or girls in general. Because I was an only child with not many people I could go to for my problems (also my parents are South Asian so I technically wasn't supposed to be liking boys and wanting to date anyway because of taboos surrounding the subject), I turned to the internet. I remember coming across an article by psychology today comparing falling in love with doing crack cocaine. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-joint-adventures-well-educated-couples/201208/falling-in-love-is-smoking-crack-cocaine

That turned me away from love real quick and closed me up. I was like, *damn, falling in love can cloud your judgement that much?!?!?* I didn't want to take part in such mindlessness ever again. 

 

This is pretty much a good summary of how I felt about love at this time (around from the ages of 12-16). Very stage orange lol. 

I was also going through my emo phase at this time and listened to a lot of Paramore. This song describes my view towards love as it was shaped by my family. I still come back to this song because I resonate with it so much. 

During this time I kept listening to girls my age think that they were falling in love only to have the guy switch on them and dump them because they didn't want to have sex with their boyfriends or worse, pressure them to do things they didn't want to do or move faster than they are comfortable. Mind you, we were 12-14 years old so most of us weren't really thinking about losing our virginities yet. I also had to deal with a lot of guys who asked me out as a joke which messed up my self esteem for a while. I made peace with the idea that I was going to die alone, not in a self loathing way but in a way that like *I need to make sure the other areas of my life are fulfilling, a relationship isn't the end all be all of life.* I was also surrounded by adults who thought that teenagers are these hormonal creatures that get blinded by sexual attraction thinking they are in love and then they end up pregnant. This further cemented the idea in my head that lust and love were two completely different things. That is true. It's important to be able to distinguish your actual feelings for someone and just liking their dick. But I guess where I went wrong is that I began viewing love as this super rational thing in order to be successful and not fall for assholes and in doing so I sacrificed my sense of emotional vulnerability. Also since I am asexual, I wasn't even looking for sex so that wasn't in my mind when I was looking for a relationship. I was sooooo thankful for my asexuality because to me it meant that I was going to have better decision making and not be blinded by carnal desires. 

My thoughts shifted yet again once I got to high school and I met Ricky (not his real name, using a fake name from Thank U, Next). 

Edited February 4, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Desire Part 3

My previous view of love, though cynical and rooted in pain, was important in the way I grew as a person. After the whole experience with Pete, I was like *I need to figure out my standards so that I can avoid guys like this.* And that's what I did. I remember one time when I was 14 I was up at night because I couldn't sleep and naturally I started to reevaluate my whole life. Then I pulled out my laptop and started journaling about my standards. I not only addressed what I looked for but what each of those qualities meant and how they would manifest. I still go back to this document if I feel like I learned something about myself or something from my dating experiences. It keeps me accountable and helps me weed through guys who probably don't have the best intentions in mind.

Here is an example of what I wrote back then. I will probably post the entire document as a reference later on in this series.  

Quote

 

1. Respect 

• He has to respect himself by not being a pushover. 
• He has to respect other people regardless of race, sexuality, gender, and differences of opinion. We need to have similar political opinions so we don’t fight all the time.
• He has to be mildly mannered and keep his cool most of the time. I don’t play with anger issues.
• He has to respect his surroundings as in he is not a slob nor is he someone who destroys things out of anger. 
• He has to respect me, my values, and my cultural identity and be open minded when it comes to dealing with my life.
• He respects people enough to break up with them and be upfront about any issues in the relationship and not cheat. I only date loyal guys and if I lurk and have any of my friends lurk and they find some hot tea on how he cheated on some girl, hell nahhhhh. If he is going to cheat on another girl, how do I know he is not going to cheat on me?

 

But yeah, that whole reflection did help me a lot in high school. It also helped my friends because I essentially became THE person that can sniff out bad intentions in guys before my friends got into any trouble or drama.

I did eventually find one guy in my high school that fulfilled all of my standards. Being the emotionally thirsty person I am and since I went to a small school with not that many guys, I will admit that I got fixated with Ricky. He and I were friends and I'm 100% sure he knew I liked him the whole time because I was/ am an idiot when it comes to these types of things. I could go into all of the funny situations I got myself in but I will try to not get off topic.

To be honest, I'm not sure if Ricky liked me back. I think I remember him flirting with me a couple times but then I think I was talking to him about something and I said that I wasn't ready for a relationship in general. Because of that he probably kept shit to himself and/or started talking to other people. The reason why I said that despite liking him was because I was very focused on school at the time. I wanted to have a greater idea of who I was. On top of that, I was in a difficult home environment and I thought that *hey I need to get some therapy to fix my issues and get over my depression/anxiety so that I can have better judgement and so that I don't get myself into a codependent situation.* That was all reasonable and I don't regret in the slightest. In fact I'm glad I did that because I was in a difficult place at the time and I wasn't in the place to date. But I will say that some of it had to do with paranoia and the fear of getting hurt again, fear that that I had bad judgement. 

I took the chance and I let myself get close to this person. Ricky and I shared a lot of personal things about ourselves and got to know each other even though we never dated. And even though I knew we weren't ever going to be a thing, I was thankful that I had a friend. This whole experience also enabled me to be more emotionally open, see what I'm like around a guy in this type of dynamic, and be comfortable with my feelings. I think the last part with me being comfortable with my feelings was the most important part. I can pinpoint the exact moment I fell in love. I remember one time we were talking about college and what we wanted to do with our futures. Ricky was nerding out about his ideal future and I paused one time and said "you have the biggest smile on your face right now." I felt myself blush and I remember how open my heart felt in that exact moment. Normally in something like this I would probably hide my face but seeing the way he was lit up in side sparked a lot of joy within me to where any shame I would have had in this situation faded away. I simply nodded and said "I know, I'm just happy that you feel comfortable with me to share all this about yourself."

Prior to us becoming closer, I was very on edge around Ricky. I wanted to shove my feelings for him in a box and forget about him. But even I suppressed my emotions, it didn't help me get over him. I was so on edge with the thought of me liking someone because I simply didn't trust myself anymore after the last guy I liked. I was afraid he was going to be an asshole. But turns out he wasn't. He was actually a decent guy. We just didn't match up well as far as compatibility went and it just wasn't the right timing in terms of where I was at with my life. He gave me a lot of faith in my future love life, like I could actually find a decent guy and have a good relationship with him. A lot of my cynicism melted away. During all 4 years of high school, I was so tempted to come clean about my feelings and to start dating him but I made the promise to myself that if I were to date at all, that I was going to date from a place of strength and stability and that I wasn't going to date until I got my life together. This was a test of patience and self control.  

I began contemplating my views on love yet again at 17. I remember one time my English teacher made us write a paper on what we thought love was. Most of us thought this was dumb because we are all so young and we don't have much life experience yet. I remember when this assignment was given, one of my friends blurted out "sir we are 17, the only experience we have in love is guys screwing us over." I had a similar outlook but I got carried away in the existential crisis and I wrote a whole paper about logical and emotional decision making and how emotions and being emotional wasn't the opposite of being logical. I really went above and beyond for this assignment and I even looked up some papers (that's how I got to that conclusion). Doing that research really helped me breakout of my cold, rationalist world view and in turn complexify my view on love. I'll probably put the paper here in a future post. 

So that was my out look on love. Now switching over to sexuality. 

During high school, I was pretty sure that I was asexual. Even though I really liked Ricky and thought he was a beautiful person inside and out, I never had any sexual thoughts about him nor was I physically attracted to him. I thought he was beautiful in the way that one might find a painting beautiful. Just because I think paintings are pretty doesn't mean that I want to fuck the Starry Night. 

I discovered that I had a physical need for touch though but not in a sexual sense. I had about 4 guys that I considered "cuddle buddies" where basically we were friends and we would cuddle with each other when we felt like it. There weren't any romantic or sexual feelings involved, just the desire to hold someone and fall asleep for a while during free periods. I think that's where a lot of my romantic thirstiness stems from. I don't want to sleep with a person, I want to fall asleep with them and have my body wrapped around theirs. I'm in general a very physically affectionate person who is open with touch. It's the way my family is. We're all huggers and even as an adult I don't mind cuddling next to my dad when we are sitting on the couch together. There isn't anything weird about it tbh. 

My main view on sex at this time was that if you wanted to, go for it but make sure it is all safe and consensual and you aren't coercing anyone. I knew girls who were pressured by their boyfriends to do things they weren't comfortable with. Also, if you wanted to hook up, that's all right too but just be honest about it. Don't lead a guy or girl on and make them think they are in love with you only to pump and dump them. If you want to be a hoe, make sure you are honest and that it's coming from a healthy place. I still have these views on sex now. 

Also something that was really common was taking the BDSM test where you take a quiz to see what you're sexually into. It's basically and edgy personality test IMO. Even though I was asexual, I wasn't closed off with sex, more like indifferent. There are asexual people who are sex favorable, sex neutral, and sex repulsed. Sex favorable means that the person has a sex drive but doesn't feel attraction. Sex neutral means that sex is just all right. There is no craving or attraction but they wouldn't mind having sex. Finally, sex repulsed means that the person is completely put off my sex. I considered myself sex neutral. I was open to it but it wasn't this super important thing that other people made it out to be. There are things that I'm open to trying but honestly if I never got laid, it wasn't going to be the end of the world. It's like doing the laundry. I don't mind doing it but it's not like I crave doing the laundry. 

I was very comfortable with being asexual and I was open about it. My high school was pretty liberal so a lot of people were cool with it. I had some weridos try to ask me intrusive questions regarding what I would do if I wanted kids or what will guys think. I also had some creeps be like "I can change your mind" which was pretty gross. I came out to my parents and unfortunately they didn't react so well. It was mainly met with confusion and "you have to keep this a secret" but while they were giving me that lecture I was standing there and internally thinking *I already told everyone I know except for my extended family at this point.* They still can't wrap their heads around it. They barely understand what it means to be bisexual let alone asexual. Every time being asexual comes up in the conversation, it's like coming out all over again and then I have to get into this whole discussion on what asexuality is, that it's a real thing, etc. and it's just a lot of work. I'm planning on never telling my extended family because it will cause unnecessary confusion/ drama and because I'm probably going to marry a guy anyway tbh.

The only reason why my parent's know is because I was going to a party and my mom kept accusing me of being a whore and that I was going to end up pregnant (even though these parties were mainly made of girls I knew from school and their sweet 16s). I got mad and I told her that "I don't have any hormones to control. I'm asexual. I don't like men or women." I got slapped across the face she was like "so you're gay!??!???!" I told her that I wasn't and tried to explain but she was like "just go to the party I don't want to deal with this." I later sat her down and explained what asexuality was. She calmed down a little bit though still confused because she couldn't imagine being asexual. My dad handled it better even though there was still a lot of confusion. After that, he basically let me have boys in the house home alone because he knew my ass wasn't about to do anything. I only had two of my guy friends over at my house for a group project one time and that's it. Nothing went on lol because I don't like men or women. They were surprised that my parents just let me be home alone with them because most parent's wouldn't trust their kid like that but then I was like "guys they know that I don't like men so that's why lmao."  

Edited February 5, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Desire Part 4 

Even though my high school was pretty liberal, the same couldn't be said about the college that I'm attending. I honestly didn't feel comfortable being openly asexual because there were a lot of Trump supporting frat bros surrounding me at all times. I also felt this pressure to go out and have sex, drink a lot, and party. None of those things are really me. I went to a couple parties and tried to drink but I honestly didn't enjoy it much. Call me boring idc. But the sex part gets to me at times. Even if you aren't a partier, college is often seen as a time when people really experiment with their sexuality. As someone who identified as asexual, sex felt like it was everywhere. A lot of asexuals describe it as having everyone around you celebrate the Super Bowl while you're sitting here not understanding or caring about football. That's how I feel about college a lot of the time. Even in LGBTQ inclusive places, I still feel like a very tiny minority. Everyone is talking about it and I do feel left out because I don't have much to contribute to the conversation.

It's especially annoying when some douche bro tells me something along the lines of "damn just live a little" as if I'm not living my life to the fullest because I'm choosing to stay a virgin. Like sex isn't the end all and be all to life. I have plenty of other things that make me happy and fulfilled. And I'm betting you haven't even made a girl cum once nor do you know where or what a clitoris is. Occasionally I have to deal with creeps that fetishize my virginity by making me out to be this pure and untouched, innocent thing. Fetishizing virginity gives me a very infantilizing, puritanical, and creepily religious vibe. But luckily those guys and the douche bros are in the minority. Most people with any amount of common sense don't care about what I'm doing with my vagina. 

I also met a guy in college. He was off limits because he is my professor (I'm going to call him Sean again going along with Ari's exes). I wouldn't dare make a move on him because that's messed up and creepy on my part. I did a post about him previously in my journal (page 6). 

On 12/23/2020 at 10:11 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Bright Eyed Bushy Tailed Energy 

I feel the need to really gush about something and get it out of my system to be more at peace with it. 

There was a guy that I met in college about a year ago. I remember walking into my 8 am class. I didn't like this class so for the first day I rolled out of bed looking like Billie Eilish (aint nothing wrong with her just that I was in baggy clothes and sunglasses because I didn't give af) and sat in the back of the class near the exit. There was a man there who began talking. My mind instantly went "Who is THAT???." I thought he was kind of cute. He was my type appearance wise. He dressed really well, was around 5'7", was somewhat toned, had wavy hair, a beard, a big nose, and a beautiful smile. He also had a beautiful accent. I'm not normally an accent person but I've been hearing the frat guy voice on repeat for the last year or so and this voice felt like a breath of fresh air. He looked pretty young so I assumed that he was my TA. It was a fairly large class. Then I looked at the syllabus. "Well," I thought "he doesn't look like a Natalie and he sure as hell doesn't look like an Alyssa." And then he told the class that he was our professor. That felt awkward on my part because of my initial thought of him being attractive.

In this post I mainly talked about Sean's personality and how the way he carried himself made me romantically attracted to him. I could see that he was attractive but I didn't feel physically attracted to him. It was the same as Ricky where I can see he was beautiful but I didn't tie it in with sex, kind of like how you admire a painting. I do have aesthetic preferences but by no means are they a must. The traits I mentioned in this post, his wavy hair, his big nose, his beautiful smile, the way he dressed, those are things that I find beautiful in both men and women tbh. And it's not even like a sexual thing. 

There was this one instance where I felt actual sexual attraction towards Sean. Up til now, I experienced all of the types of attraction above except sexual attraction. It was during finals week. I had a couple questions from the study guide I wanted to ask about. The door to his office is always a little cracked and normally you can just come in. I opened the door and he was talking to another student. He gave me this threatening look that scared the fuck out of me. It was so unlike him since he always had a sunny disposition. He told me "hey I'm in the middle of something can you give us a minute?" I said sure and I waited outside of his office. I overheard the conversation between him and this student. The student was one of the guys that barely showed up for class and he was begging Sean to bring his grade back up. Sean wasn't having it and was like basically saying hey you had all these opportunities, I can't give you another chance. He is normally a gentle person and I guess some people see his kindness for weakness and see it as an opportunity to push on his sensitivity to get what they want. But clearly he has a backbone lol. He later let me in and was back to his smiley, kindhearted self and he apologized for scaring me judging by my face earlier. Nothing went on after that. I just asked him my questions and left. 

The first picture of Marina was me because Sean looked like he wanted to kill me. The second picture is how I felt when I began waiting outside lol. And at that moment I found out that I'm a sub. It was also the moment when I began questioning my asexuality. 

Edited February 5, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Desire Part 5 

Prior to meeting Sean, I went on a date with this guy a year before (I'm not even giving him a fake name because he is so irrelevant). I barely knew him and I was like *eh, might as well give him a chance and get to know him.* Before our date he asked me how comfortable I was with physical touch. I'm very comfortable with touch so I let him know. I'm glad that he asked before hand, thought that was kind. Well half way through our date, we were cuddling on a couch and he almost grabbed my ass. I wasn't physically or emotionally uncomfortable but in my mind I was like *that's not something you do on a first date.....*I grabbed his hand and held it so it wouldn't travel anywhere lol. Physically, I didn't feel good either. I didn't feel anything tbh. A guy I'm not romantically attracted to can literally grope me and I wouldn't feel a thing (positive or negative) but a guy that I'm romantically attracted to like Sean could look me in the eyes and talk to me about economics and I would be blushing (I blush for all types of reasons mainly out of shyness). I guess my point is that if I want to feel anything sexual in a situation in the future, I need to build up some type of romantic attraction or else I'm not going to be feeling anything. 

Maybe I'm demisexual? My romantic feelings can exist without sexual attraction but in order to feel attraction I need romantic feelings. A demisexual is basically someone who is on the asexual spectrum but feels sexual attraction after they bonded with someone. But then again, feeling physically turned on because say someone whispered in your ear isn't the same as being attracted to them. You can get physically turned on without being attracted to someone. I can make myself orgasm without a single thought or fantasy in my hand just by touching myself in the right way. It's kind of like a vending machine, push the right buttons and you get a snack or in this case an orgasm. 

But at the same time when I do think about sex I mainly think about the romantic aspects of it. When I do fantasize, I don't think about penetration or any particular position or scenario. I think about mainly making out, cuddling up against someone, having someone run their fingers through my hair etc. I know I'm also really sensitive from the shoulders up, even in a nonsexual context. If someone comes near my shoulder, I automatically have a reflex. For me, sex isn't from the waist down, it's from the neck up. I can't imagine having sex, or I guess good sex to where I feel anything in my body, with someone I don't have some type of romantic feelings for. For me, sex feels like a romantic expression of one's feelings. You can't passionately express feelings if they aren't there in the first place. I know that I'm not the type of person who can have a one night stand or have a friends with benefits relationship with someone and not get attached to the person. Because to me, sex is very secondary. Romance is the main thing.  

Like I don't even like the way a dick looks (or even a pussy). To me, dicks look like sad sea creatures and pussy's look like fucked up enchiladas. I'm not disgusted but genitals just are what they are. I don't fantasize about a man's or a woman's body either.  I can acknowledge when someone is beautiful (like come on, I might be asexual but I'm not blind) or see why someone might be attracted to someone based on society's standards even if I don't think they are beautiful. That's how I feel about a lot of celebrities like Brad Pitt. I get the appeal but he just doesn't do it for me. I never had any celebrity crushes because I simply don't know them, therefore I can't be romantically attracted to them. 

But at the same time, there are some kinks that sound appealing to me. I like the idea of dominating and being dominated.  I like the idea of being submissive because I'm pretty in control and assertive in every other area in my life and it's like I want to embrace this part of myself in the bedroom. I also like the idea of being dominant because I feel like being submissive all the time would get boring and also because I think one of the main reasons why I'm a sub is because I'm a virgin who doesn't know what to do at the moment. I'm pretty sure that I'm a switch. And to me, these things are more so about the situation rather than any particular individual. At first glance I think, yeah I'm definitely not asexual.

But then again, someone's sexuality and someone's sexual orientation aren't the same thing. You can take two straight people and one of them might be kinky and one of them might be vanilla. They are both straight but they have very different sexualities. I guess by that logic, there can be kinky and vanilla asexuals under the sex favorable section. 

There is also the whole thing with me having PCOS. That can mess with your hormones. As I have been taking care of my health more, I noticed my sex drive really coming up. That is really confusing. I know that being asexual and having a high sex drive is possible. Then again, a kinky asexual with a high sex drive who is also heteroromantic is really pushing it....... Maybe I am straight idk!?!?!??!?!!  If I am straight, my theory is that I was a late bloomer and then when I was supposed to bloom at around 17 or so, the PCOS came in and intercepted my sexuality to where I kept thinking I was asexual til I was 21. 

I also have shame surrounding the possibility of me being straight. I'm 21 now and people have been knowing that I'm asexual since I was 14. That's 7 years. Telling people I'm straight and I guess coming out again (can you even come out as a straight!?!??!) makes me feel like a liar. Asexual people are often seen as liars and people with fucked up hormones. Their identity is often dismissed as such or as some type of phase. Most people don't even think asexuality is a real thing. And I feel like me saying that I'm not asexual is me feeding into the stigma. But at the same time, assuming that I'm straight when I'm actually asexual is asexual erasure. Most asexuals aren't these stereotypical prudes that live in a convent. They can appear as other sexualities because of maybe their romantic orientation and they can still be asexual. But then again if I am some type of kinky, hetereo-romantic asexual/ demisexual with a high sex drive, then like I'm pretty damn close to being straight. Or maybe I'm asexual all of this is happening because I feel peer pressure to have sex since at 21 it's considered weird by some people to still be a virgin??? I've had moments where I have felt insecure about still being a virgin. Maybe I'm straight and I have some repression going on since I tend to be overly logical and the PCOS is messing with my urges????

Idk man I'm really confused and  I have shame wrapped around this because I don't know what to make of these experiences. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Things I want to do when the pandemic is over

Go to a restaurant: Doesn't matter where, I just want to take myself to dinner and sit down somewhere that isn't my car or my house in order to eat. Also,  I want to go to a coffee shop and just chill. That was one of my favorite things to do before all of this happened. I know I can technically do that now but my parent are at risk and we are hella strict when it comes to these things. 

Go shopping: I want to get some new clothes because part of me wants a change since I have essentially been wearing the same 5 outfits on repeat in the house since I have nowhere to go. Also, I feel like my tastes and over all vibe has shifted and I want to wear things that honor that change. I know I can shop online but I want to shop in person because I'm built weird (as far as the fashion industry is concerned) and I have to try things on. 

Go to a big ass party: I have a lot of repressed and bottled up craziness stirring inside of me and I want a release. I don't see myself partying a lot since it really isn't my thing but I feel like I need to go to 1 rave or something to get that out of my system. 

Start dating again and get into a short term relationship: I have a lot of romantic thirstiness to release and I want to explore my sexuality more since idk what my orientation is anymore. Also, I want to let go of this idea that I have to have my life all the way together and constantly work on myself in order to b loved. 

Make some friends: I really want a social circle again. I was so ready to start putting myself out there but as soon as I felt that way the pandemic hit. 

Get some actual hands on experience with my career: A lot of the internships I have been applying to are ones that are remote. I'm tired of just sitting behind a screen in my bedroom. 

and last but not least.......

TRAVEL AND MOVE OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE: I had to cancel my plans and move back home. That has taken a toll on me to say the least. I can't wait to do things by myself again. 

 

In short, because I can't do any of these things, I feel rather repressed. On a somewhat related note, I also feel like I haven't aged since March because of the pandemic. 

Edited February 22, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

 

[soos_mite_ah]

My Unhealthy Stage Green Exhaustion Phase

On 11/26/2020 at 11:57 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 6: Moving on Up

Ahhh... Finally, the last part to this series. This post will also be all over the place and it is mainly for my uses and means for tracking my progress. 

During my time meditating in the psych ward, I started noticing parallels in how I'm evolving in the last few years. I have decided to separate them into phases and cycles. I have grouped my journey by the phases and I differentiated the cycles so that one can clearly see the parallels between the first time I went through this phase and the second time. I won't go too much into spiral details because that will make the post too long and might create confusion. I'm trying to focus on structure rather than content for this post. 

Phase 1:

 Cycle 1) Sophomore Year of Highschool (2015-2016): During this time I felt very suicidal. I hated my life. I hated the way  my parents treated me. I hated how low energy I was. But most of all I hated how I suffered for so long. After one miraculously failed attempt, I decided to dedicate all of my effort towards getting better. This led me to basic self-help and youtube videos by therapists. It was stuff like what was depression, how do you deal with it etc. Here I would say I was 80% orange and 20% green.

Cycle 2) Sophomore Year of College Part 1 (2019): While I didn't hate my life during this time around, I recommitted my dedication towards self help. I decided to dedicate all of my effort towards actualizing my potential. I was focusing more on deeper self help and inner work by meditating regularly, contemplating, watching Leo's videos for insights, doing shadow work etc. I felt as if I already cleared the gunk on top and now its time for a deep clean. In this second cycle, I feel like I started getting the blank slate feeling I mentioned in Phase 2 (2017) earlier, so I guess there is some overlap. Here I would say that I was 70% green and 30% yellow. 

Phase 2:

Cycle 1) Junior Year of Highschool (2017): I was in a more stable place in my life thankfully because of the work I put into in Phase 1 (2015-2016). I have externally solved a lot of issues I have been having with my family and consequently I have mentally been much clearer than what I was going through in Part 1 in 2016 during my sophomore year of high school.  As a result of these changes, I started growing a part from my friends as they weren't resonating anymore. I really wanted to hold on to this new found peace. I was getting used to this peace. It felt like I was a blank slate in a good way because I cleared out so much gunk. Little did I know I was into for a journey up the spiral and I was heading for a breakdown. Here I would say I was 70% orange and 30% green and I was dealing with stage blue trauma regarding the authority of my parents, issues with family/ the sacredness of blood relatives, and the more stage blue social issues they brought from India. 

Cycle 2) Sophomore Year of College Part 2 (2020): I was in a much more stable place in my life. I started implementing better habits and I was solving a lot of inner issues by setting boundaries and acknowledging the deeper dynamics of how I interacted with people instead of just looking  at whether a person was blatantly toxic or not. Consequently, I became much clearer about what I as wanting out of my life and the relationships I had with people. As a result, I started growing apart from my friends again. I was enjoying this new found peace. It felt like a rebirth. Little did I know what awaited me as I was going to go up the spiral during the pandemic. Here I would say I was 50% green and 50% yellow and I was dealing with stage orange trauma regarding late stage capitalism, finding my way into a career, and productivity. 

Phase 3:

Cycle 1) Senior Year of Highschool (2017-2018): I was suffering from constant panic attacks and became depressed by going in deeper in the trauma I was sorting through in Phase 2. I was unloading a lot of trauma internally from my parents even though externally I managed much of it. This phase felt as if it was giving me a final exam of all of the self development work I did previously. A lot of issues I dealt with in the past came up and I did deal with them using the tools I gained along the way. A lot of things were breaking down in my life, but my friendships were the more notable of all of them was my friendships. I began isolating in Phase 2 (2017)  and now I have cut them off. I needed to be around new people that embody my new world view.  Here I would say that I was 33% orange and 67% green. 

Cycle 2) Junior Year of College Part 1 (2020): I was suffering from pretty bad anxiety and depression with college which led me into the psych ward. I'm unloading a lot of stage orange trauma more deeply. I have journaled about much of it. This phase in the second cycle also felt like the final exam of my self development work because a lot of issues I dealt with in the past came up since I had to move back home during the pandemic. I have been dealing with them using the tools I gained in therapy from my freshman year of college and onwards along with my self actualization work. A lot of things were breaking down in my life due to the changes from the pandemic but the most notable was my sense of stability and hope for the future. I also cut of a couple friends in this phase that I was growing apart from in Phase 2 (2020). Here I would say that I am 33% green and 67% yellow.

Phase 4:

Cycle 1: Freshman Year of College (2018-2019): The first half of my freshman year was me unloading what was left of my trauma with a therapist. This took effort but I'd say it was more seamless because of the prior work I did before hand in Phase 1-3 (2015-2018). However, during the second half of my freshman year, I was extremely burnt out. Before all I was doing was all of this self development work and it was also on top of all of my school work as well. I needed a break and mentally my brain checked out. It was a time for me to rest and recuperate for the next cycle in my life.  Here I would say that I was 20% orange, 80% green, and some yellow mixed in there as during this time was when I found Spiral Dynamics. 

Cycle 2) Junior Year of College Part 2 (2020-2021): I feel like right now I'm some where in between phase 3 and 4. I have found a new therapist to unload what's left of my stage orange trauma. I have my talking points planned out and I know what I want/ need out of my sessions so this should be seamless. The prior work I did during phase 2-3 (2020) and the journaling I have done even in this journal is truly the groundwork. I wouldn't be surprised if I was burnt out but the way things have played out, I am taking a break from school to recuperate. for hopefully the next cycle of my life. I don't know what that is or what stage of the spiral I'll be in by the end but stay tuned. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PREDICTIONS: This is a way to try to speculate what my future is going to be like based on the patterns from the previous phases. 

Phase 4 Cycle 2: I'm going to get the help I need and I'm going to be better than before. I will have extra time to focus on my health and well being physically as well as mentally because I am taking extra down time. My guess is that I would be 20% green, 80% yellow with some turquoise mixed in as I am practicing being present and embodiment more and more

I think I'm at Cycle 2 Phase 4 at this point. I have been dealing with a lot of stage orange related trauma when it comes to productivity and late capitalism. I feel like I'm in the last leg of that.

I remember the first time I was in this place (Cycle 1 Phase 4) I started embracing the pinnacle of unhealthy orange as a response to sorting out stage blue trauma while moving into green more deeply. It was as if I was exhausting any bit of orange that I haven't fully embraced yet. I remember feeling compelled to be super productive almost to the point of being a workaholic. That's how that manifested for me. Even in the moment I knew it wasn't super healthy but part of me felt like I still had to exhaust it. Originally I felt uncomfortable with this very part of orange but when I got to this phase, it felt natural to go through it as a part of a foundation for my future development. 

Similarly, I find myself in the same place but instead I'm moving into unhealthy green as I sort through my stage orange trauma while moving into yellow. I sometimes catch myself going into these angsty anticapitalistic spirals and feeling tempted to embrace the archetype of the hippie that sits around smoking weed all day (I'm not smoking weed but that's just the energy I'm in lately). I also catch myself getting attracted to astrology and tarot as a way of giving me hope and explaining my unpredictable life (again, not coming at this from the healthiest mindset, there isn't anything wrong with astrology or tarot per se). While from the birds eye view I know what I'm doing isn't the best manifestation of green, I feel like again I need to exhaust it to move forward.  These were originally things about green that I was uncomfortable with upon finding the spiral dynamics model and now I'm taking those things to the excess so that I cover the stage thoroughly for a solid foundation. 

I also find myself feeling burnt out like I predicted but it isn't the same type of exhaustion burn out that I felt in the first cycle. This time, the burn out has been about being tired of self development as a whole to where I feel like self development has turned into a fixation. I took a break from this site for about a week and I didn't think about self help and that in itself made me feel rejuvenated. I think I need more of that. Here is an expansion of what I have been feeling in regards to all of this. 

As far as spiral stage goes, I feel like I'm 20% green and 80% yellow in this phase. I suppose my prediction was spot on. That 20% green is just that last unhealthy bit that I'm releasing atm. I'm also practicing being present and embodying more. However, I will say that I don't feel like I have a hint of turquoise in me yet. That's the only part of my prediction that didn't come true. 

Again, exact percentages of where I'm at in the spiral can be skewed because of self bias. I'm not trying to slap on a label, just trying to gage where I'm at in my journey. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Life Is Easy

On 2/2/2021 at 6:38 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Anxiety 

I need to stop analyzing the source, the causes, and the anxiety I feel towards certain things and brute force my way through it and build my fear facing muscle. All this over thinking and conceptualization, though insightful, is often a higher level form of rumination as well as a type of avoidance because contemplating about a problem takes me away from actually dealing with the problem. 

Here are some things that trigger my anxiety. Most of these things are really silly and seem very minor and I am aware of it. Nevertheless, for my own sake I'm listing them all out: 

School

• My school work especially with certain classes and teachers 
• Emails 
• Applying for jobs or schools 

Putting myself out there

• Public speaking 
• The thought of running out of things to say 
• Going out and making friends 
• Having the spot light 

Today I was talking about somethings with my therapist and I realized that I have this habit of overestimating my challenges and underestimating my ability to cope with challenges which then creates this gap where a bunch of doubt, anxiety, and feelings of unworthiness comes from.

I filled out a bunch of applications for internships and I was surprised by how easy the process was. I thought "damn I must be doing something wrong because this wasn't too difficult." I think I have this attitude with a lot of things in my life and it causes me to overcompensate on whatever I'm doing and push myself way harder than necessary which then can spiral out of control and can lead to obsessive and perfectionistic behavior.

I was raised by parents who doubted my abilities constantly. It was comical a lot of the time like how my dad once yelled at me  and told me that I'm not capable of living on my own because I don't make the bed and I leave cups in my room. Like where is the correlation lol?!?!?! But as much as I can laugh at that, I still got the message that I'm incompetent so when I got to college and was able to function normally without any problems, I was genuinely shocked. Other times my parents would project their own incapability they experienced at my age onto me. My mom didn't get her drivers license until she was in her 30s (the place she's from didn't require her to have one). Because of that, she sees me driving at 17 and she gets really terrified even though I'm doing everything right. I'm 21, I had my license for 4 years and my mom is terrified of me going on the high way and thinks I'm too immature for that. That doesn't even make sense but ok. Also the fact that I'm a woman and that I have ADHD doesn't help because as a woman I look helpless, ditsy, and clueless and as someone with ADHD, I'm seen as irresponsible, unmindful, and all over the place. I don't think I'm any of those things but in the eyes of my parents, it adds up to incompetence. I started tearing up while talking about this. There is a huge part of me that bases my self worth on my competence I guess because I was never seen as capable growing up. 

My parents also raised me to believe that life is hard in every step of the way. I guess they said that so that I would accept that there are some things in life that are difficult and that I shouldn't shy away from it because it's just a fact of life. Key word: SOME. But no they said everything is hard. And when something appears easy, I end up over thinking because I feel like I'm missing something. Nothing is easy or what it seems. You're incompetent, that's why you can't see it. I think this then turns into a self fulfilling prophecy and basically the law of attraction. 

I think my addiction to self help is also related to this. I got into self help for a variety of reasons but one of the reasons is because I feel that I'm incompetent and that I need to study myself and the world to make the best decisions or else my life is going to be shit. I notice myself having this approach in dating and I'm sure it spills into other areas in my life but it's this attitude that life is a minefield of bad decisions so you need to be super careful with every step to avoid having something blow up in your face. I wish instead I got the message that I'm going to make mistakes and that it's ok if I do because I'm strong enough to get back up from it because I have the emotional coping strategies to learn from those mistakes. There are so many things that my parents made me feel was the end of the world when it wasn't. Sure, it wasn't smooth sailing, but that doesn't mean the trip was bad or that I'm a bad captain. 

 

Somethings I'm going to tell myself given my situation (basic takeaways): 

Life is easy. 

You are capable of going after what you want. 

You are much stronger than what you give yourself credit for. 

You are capable of overcoming all obstacles. 

You are capable of learning and bouncing back from mistakes.

Life is easier than what you think.

Life maybe complex, but it is also much simpler than we give credit.

Ego sometimes complicates the simplicity of life and the challenges that come with it (especially true for situations involving self doubt). 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Party Phase but make it Cultured

Some places I want to go to and some things I want to do: 

Spain: This place is interesting to me from an art and architecture point of view because of the European and Islamic influences. Also the food seems amazing. Mediterranean style food is my shit.  I want to mainly go to a bunch of museums and historical places and also take part in La Tomatina which is this annual tomato fight that takes place once a year in Valencian (eastern Spain). While I'm there I want to go to a nude beach. I always wanted to go to one of those because I think it would be an interesting experience. Even though there are nude beaches in the U.S., I want to go to Platja des Cavallet in Ibiza because not only is it a nude beach but they also have flamingos there. 

I watched Zindigi Na Milegi Dobara once like 10 years ago with my family. I barely remember the plot other than the fact that it was three friends going on a trip to Spain but the one thing I remember is the tomato fight scene. There is something about it that just seems so fun and I think 11 year old me took it an ran with it. 

Japan: Growing up I was a huge weeb. That aside I think why I really want to go there is because I was planning on going there before the pandemic happened and I have talked to people and watched a shit ton of videos of things I should check out there. Somethings I want to do there include going to a maid cafe, traveling in the high speed rail (and contemplate why we can't have nice things in the U.S. because of lobbying), go to Disney world in Tokyo (haven't been to Disney since I was 7), visit some historic places, go to a hot spring, see the cherry blossoms, go to a Japanese 7/11,  AND EAT ALL OF THE FOOD.  I also want to go to one of those tiny capsule hotels as well as a Japanese love hotel. Those seem interesting. 

Brazil: I really want to go to Brazil to embrace my party phase. I went to a couple of college parties and those just didn't do it for me. I suppose I could go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras since it isn't too far away but I want to go all out. I want to go to Rio for Carnival. I'm not a huge party person or a person who is big on loud music and costumes but that is exactly why I'm drawn to Carnival. To me, I can get outside of my comfort zone. Also, if I were to do psychedelics, I would want to do it with a shaman who is experienced with it and who really gets the spiritual aspect of it as opposed to finding a dealer in the states at some sketchy party. Speaking of shamans, I want to see the Amazon forest. I'm interested in the biodiversity there and things regarding sustainability.

New Zealand: This isn't really a place I want to visit rather I want to live there. They just seem like they have their life together as far as sanity and quality of life goes. I'm impressed with the way Jacinda Ardern handled COVID. I'm really just impressed with her in general and I simp for her for her competence. My favorite thing about New Zealand is that nothing ever happens in New Zealand. When was the last time you saw some crazy shit happen there of have seen New Zealand act tf up in the global scale???? Never. Plus I heard it's easy to immigrate there if you are an American and you are under 30. When I'm upset I tend to imagine myself in New Zealand with good worker's rights and then going to the south island to an Alpaca farm for the weekend. Plus, I always wanted a spring birthday hahaha. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/CCPJnvGJ_IQ/?igshid=200fpfefpsu1

This video of alpacas in the sunset sparks a lot of joy. I want to be this calm and at peace with my life one day. 

Antarctica: Penguins and cold weather make me happy. That's it really lol. 

Scandanavia: I want to go here twice. Once to see the midnight sun in the summer when it's day time for 24 hours and another time to see the northern lights.

Other things I want to do that doesn't pertain to any particular place: 

• Somewhere I can go dune surfing (basically when you surf on sand dunes). That seems exciting. 
• Sky diving and bungie jumping: I love heights 
• Ziplining: I have done this before and had a lot of fun but I want to do it in a larger scale. 
• Go to a huge Holi festival: There is a temple near me that does Holi really well but I want to go somewhere where there is a lot of people there to celebrate. The more the merrier imo
• A music festival and/or Burning Man
• Cage diving with sharks: I went snorkling once and I want to do that with more risks lol

 

Edited February 26, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Media Consumption Analysis Part 1: Being a Material Girl
I'm going to have a little series of the types of media that I'm encountering, the types of media I find myself drawn to and the types of media that basically shaped me in a way. 

Recently, I have found myself drawn to and resonating with these two songs. I decided to think about that mainly because it felt rather out of character for me. I started to contemplate my desires. I have talked about what kind of experiences I desire regarding travelling and exploring and I have touched on my desire for a short term relationship. I then tried to think about my materialistic desires. Honestly it's a relatively short list: 

• Be financially secure and not worry about money: I want that feeling of abundance, agency, and peace of mind in my life. To me, that means being financially free from my parents, not worrying about paying rent/ bills and living with a ton of roommates, feeling like I can splurge and treat myself if I want to (not so much doing that but having the option to do so), and having a good amount of savings for emergencies because again, peace of mind. 
• Treat myself to something nice every now and then:
  • I want to get that one robe on my amazon wish list that costs like a $100. I guess I could get it now but I'm cheap tbh.  It's been on that wish list for like 3 years now lol. I want it, but I cringe at the price. 
  • Buying a laptop because my last one broke. The one I want right now is like $400 but I'm waiting for it to go on sale. I can see myself buying a laptop like once every 5-8 years.
  • I also want to get a couple nice candles from Bath and Body Works because candles that smell nice make me happy. 
  • I want to get some new clothes because I haven't bought anything in a  couple years. Nothing too expensive but nothing that will disintegrated after one wash. 
  • Get a nice perfume about once a year or so. 
  • Those are I think some of the things I want to splurge on at the moment. I mainly just get the urge to buy myself something other than the necessities less than a handful of times a year. 
• Big ticket items
  • Travel: see last post 
  • A vintage Volkswagen Beetle: It's a car that I liked as a kid. This isn't a necessity. I'm perfectly happy with the car i have at the moment. But I guess if I had all the money and didn't have to worry about it I would consider it but I wouldn't buy it right away because I like to think things out. It also depends on where I live. If I live in the middle of a large city then no but if I live in an area that requires me to have a car then maybe.
  • COLLEGE TUITION: Luckily, I am getting financial aid and I have a scholarship. I'm super lucky to have my parents also help out with this as well. I'm nervous about grad school and I hope to god that I get my masters paid for by a job that I get after college. Then, I can have some peace of mind 
  • A dog: Not necessary but I wanted one ever since I was a kid. Again, depends on my life style. If for example I have to clock in long hours at work, I wouldn't want a dog because the poor thing would be stuck at home and lonely for long periods of time and my heart won't let me do that. 

Sometimes I think what I'm asking for as being rather extravagant. Idk, maybe it's because I lean towards being cheap. My dad thinks it's weird mainly because he loves spending money. I remember one time I charged like $15 on my credit card to get something and my dad thought it was suspicious activity because normally when I buy things, it's usually single digit food related purchases. I also never saw the appeal of really expensive things like designer clothes. sports car etc for me personally. They just seem extra and bougie.  I guess if it came down to what I REALLY wanted, it would boil down to financial security and grad school tuition, The rest is just extra tbh. 

Again, I think my materialistic desires boil down to wanting a feeling of abundance, agency, and peace of mind. 

Another reason why I find myself being drawn to these songs and really party music in general is because there is a part of me that just wants to shut off my brain and take a break from contemplating, actualizing, and working through trauma. There is also the whole thing with the world being a huge dumpster fire. I don't watch the news anymore but I still make sure to stay in the loop about things so I'm not totally uninformed. I think there is an element of escapism and desire to go into this frivolous, carefree mindset. 

There is this trend of bimbofication that is on the rise on tiktok. I noticed this trend keep popping up and I found it rather interesting. This video breaks it down pretty well and was pretty insightful. To summarize it's mainly a bunch of women who want to reclaim their femininity and own their more feminine interests without having people bring them down. The  modern bimbo is also characterized as a radical feminist and lefist which I find as an interesting take on the trope. She is there for the girls, the gays, and the theys and she expresses her disdain by capitalism by taking money from rich men. She is also pro sex work and doesn't slut shame other women. Her stupidity is often played out in a satirical sense but there is an emphasis on emotional intelligence over IQ. I think this can best be seen in the himbo trope. A himbo refers to a guy bimbo and is characterized by a guy who has no fucking clue what's happening. He is an idiot but he drinks enough respect women juice to not treat people like trash. He has emotional intelligence  and is a well meaning guy. He is mainly harmless because he is too stupid to play mind games and manipulate people in the first place. Basically he can be summarized by this:

While I don't find myself acting on this trend, there are a few things that resonate with me mainly things pertaining to the values the modern bimbo holds that I talked about above which includes inclusivity, reclaiming femininity, and being a leftist. What really struck a chord with me was that in the previous analysis vide touches on the desire to wanting to shut off your brain for a little bit mainly because of the exhaustion from absorbing information constantly. I tend to over think and over analyze and that has helped me a lot throughout the years. I like looking into things that are informationally dense. This is habit of researching the shit out of something is also a coping mechanism. To know what's going on gives me a sense of control in uncertain times. It eases the frustration and alleviates the confusion. At the same time, it also leads to anxiety and perfectionism. I'm starting to see the limitations of this more and more. I have talked about this in a previous post on this journal. 

On 10/18/2020 at 3:11 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Limitations/ Excesses of the Stages  (Green and Yellow) 

Yellow (1:38:00- 1:45:00)

Can get bogged down in complex analysis (1:39:53). Can develop an intellectual hubris of arrogance (1:39:58)

I addressed some of this in my post "Conscious Unconsciousness" where I discuss my reasoning for integrating my inner basic bitch. I also think this  form of  the "i'M NOt LiKE oTheR giRls" attitude as it relates of consciousness can be detrimental because there is arrogance and ego involved. However, I'm still in the process of integrating all of this. I decided to copy and paste that specific portion of that post because I don't want to water it down:

All this understanding will not lead to happiness because happiness isn't found in the mind (1:42:19)

I feel called out and I'm not sure how to handle this at this moment. But I am recognizing the problem more and more because of the way I'm frequently immersed in learning

Lack of embodiment of the things they learn. This can be a problem in actualize the vision because you lack the selflessness/ discipline/ socialization skills to implement your solutions. This freaks out yellow because it means that they can't rely on their concepts to do everything for them (1:42:56). 

I think a lot of the problems I'm having with depression is coming from a lack of embodiment of the teaching I have absorbed previously. The only way out of this is through truly embodying what I have learned. Also the whole concept of yellow freaking out because they can't rely on concepts I feel draws a parallel on how I can't rely on being smart alone to evade life issues. That parallel makes me feel called out. 

I remember reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and he explained on how happiness isn't found in the mind rather it is found in being present, especially in meditation. For me, I find that meditation opens the gate way to contemplate and that's great, but it currently isn't what I need. Don't get me wrong it helps but I don't think it's the whole solution for me personally. I need to turn off my brain at times and to do that, I think I need to take more of a break from actualizing and just go out and have some fun and do something that doesn't require a shit ton of thinking (within reason of course). 

Edited February 27, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Wisdom 

I really liked this video. I watched it 3 times and I took brief notes so that I could contemplate afterwards. I wrote little side notes on where I feel like I can improve the most. 

Wisdom is:

• Good judgment / keen perception
• Solid values/ good priorities
• Deliberate and thoughtful
• Contemplation/ reflection/ existentially oriented
• Care about knowing themselves
• Care about self deception
• Openminded
• Know that you don’t know
• Experienced: I need to get out more tbh. I feel like lack experience tbh. 
• Holistic/ big picture
• Valuing truth
• Non-judgemental: This is something that I really try to be mindful of. I think the biggest thing I judge people on is competence. As a result, I hold myself to a high standard to where I have trouble forgiving myself, being gentle with myself, and I get myself into perfectionistic spirals.
• Knows life is counterintuitive
• Long term thinking
• Patience
• Independence of thought
• Nuanced
• Learn from mistakes
• Flexible- can change mind
• Tolerate paradox
• Objective, neutral, and unbiased
• Principled but not dogmatic
• Takes responsibility
• Doesn’t avoid emotional labor: I feel like I can improve on my avoidance tendencies and my avoidance of responsibility. I tend to mesh blame and responsibility together and that isn't healthy. 
• Able to abstain from cravings
• Has self discipline: ooooff..... I'm getting better but there is a lot of improvement that I could make. 
• Values education
• Learns from other people’s mistake
• Balanced and moderation
• Avoids false equivalence
• Mature
• High emotional intelligence
• Can admit when they don’t know
• Can forgive and let go: I mainly struggle with self forgiveness. I don't really hold grudges with other people. 
• Careful when giving advice
• Values solitude
• Compassionate and selfless

Foolishness is:

• Bad judgement and poor discernment: I did have a huge slip in judgement recently and I have learned a lot from that. 
• Stays in a toxic relationship
• Poor sense of priorities
• Loses big picture- petty
• Ignorant and proud of it
• Lacks discipline: talked about this earlier
• Can’t admit mistake
• Underestimates problems of life
• Anti-intellectual doesn’t care about education
• Doesn’t self reflect
• Too busy to contemplate
• Wants to just get the answers and get shortcuts: YIKES!!! I say that because I know that I often feel like I see actualized.org videos as cheat codes to life in a sense. 
• Doesn’t see value in truth
• Sees truth as what serves you: YIKES!!!! I came to the realization of this when I was watching the video on the limitations of science. I think I tend to absorb certain pieces of information and certain types of self help because that's what helps me in my particular situation. I do have a bias in terms of what I find myself drawn towards.  
• Confuses biases for truth
• Not concerned with existential questions: I'm not super concerned with existential questions at the moment because I feel like I need to have the foundational stuff down first. 
• Oblivious of self deception
• Gullible and easily manipulated
• Inexperienced
• Wants to stay foolish
• Dismisses wisdom
• Tries to get into mudslinging competitions
• Closedminded
• Judgmental
• Rash impatient and reactive
• Cant plan ahead
• Egotistical and selfish
• Mob mentality
• Blind followers
• Dogmatic
• Can’t control cravings  
• want quick fixes: I fall into this trap mainly when it comes to diet and exercise. I have really been confronting this recently. 
• chases money, sex, pleasure, and fun
• avoids responsibility: talked about this already 
• takes reality for granted
• expects things to be easy
• lacks balance and moderation
• can’t apologize, focus, or admit when they don’t know
• doesn’t invest in self
• avoids emotional labor: talked about this already
• holds grudges
• engage in gossip and speculation
• dogmatic advice (doesn’t understand relativity of advice)

Edited February 27, 2021 by soos_mite_ah