The Joy Journal

[soos_mite_ah]

Letting Myself Be Human

I've been taking a break from self actualization work and letting myself indulge in more petty things and petty conversations. It has felt really restful and I feel a lot more grounded and like myself. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Turning Competence into an Identity Part 6: Family Dynamics

I can't believe that I forgot to talk about this when I was doing my whole series on competence. The dynamics in my family had a large impact on why competence was something I strived for and how it turned into an identity for me. 

Firstly, my mom was a stay at home mom who was financially dependent on my dad. She doesn't know English that well and has trouble communicating so she is very reliant on my dad. When I hit around 9, she began depending on me. This whole situation I believe caused me to grow up faster and messed with the whole mother daughter dynamic to where I felt as if the roles were flipped. On top of that, she is emotionally stunted and 10 year old me felt compelled to explain how somethings were right and wrong. I didn't have a competent mother figure and my dad was worn out by how dependent my mom was on him and he would always tell me that I have to be independent and have my life together so I don't end up like her. In some situations, that's understandable but in others it was him catastrophizing or making a big deal out of things. Like I remember one time when I was 8 I didn't close the door to the garage all the way and my dad yelled at me for 45 minutes about how I have attention issues and how I'm going to end up like my clueless and helpless mother with no future if I keep this up. It was a complete over reaction.

Which brings me to my next point. I have ADHD and my parents were dead set against getting me diagnosed because they didn't want me to get into ADHD drugs which have a lot of side effects and they didn't want the diagnosis to be on my records. So they tried to "discipline" it out of me. Situations like the one I explained previously played out frequently when I was little. There was an idea that was drilled into my head back then and that was, if you don't have your life together or if you make one wrong move, you life is going to be ruined, you'll be locked in a psych ward, and you'll be drugged. Yeah, that's quite a bit of pressure for someone who is like 8. 

Next you have my dad, my uncle, and my aunt. They are all pretty emotionally stunted, some more than others. And from a young age I felt like I couldn't trust authority, that I have to figure things out on my own, and that I have to always be the bigger person in a conflict. I think it's good that I compelled myself to think independently instead of blindly being led straight to hell. But it has to do with what is age appropriate. Like thinking for yourself is essential to growing into an independent adult who can think critically, but a small child shouldn't have to figure things out on their own because they didn't have proper guidance. That's a lot to ask for a kid.

When it comes to being the bigger person in a conflict, in most equal adult relationship, I believe that ideally people should switch being the bigger person. Sometimes in a conflict you're the bigger person and sometimes it's the other person. But if you find yourself in a situation where you're the one who is ALWAYS the bigger person, it can get tiring because of how imbalanced the dynamic is. You wouldn't always have to be the bigger person if the people around you measured up. I'm sure in my case it's even more tiring because as a child, I'm not supposed to have a super equal dynamic with my parents, much less a dynamic where I'm always the bigger person. As a kid, you're supposed to mess up and have the adults around you come to help you understand. It isn't supposed to be the other way around. I was expected to reach an unhealthy level of competence at a young age. 

And finally, I didn't grow up with sibling or with extended family in the country. I didn't have anyone I could rely on for guidance especially since the adults around me are so childish. I basically used the internet as a way to cope and find information about whatever was bothering me. I guess I'm lucky that I didn't end up on really weird places on the internet thank to my judgement at the time. That combined with self help and therapy makes me feel like emotionally I basically had to raise myself. I had to be competent doing that if I wanted to have a future. 

I think a lot of this also impacted how I view having kids and parenting. This is an extreme view I hold but I believe that the vast majority of people should not have children because they are unfit to do so consciously. To me, raising kids is such a delicate process and things can easily go really wrong but people treat it like it's something that everyone does eventually. And that's why we have so many messed up adults.

I went through a phase where I was angry at my parents for not raising me better. Not only did I have to figure things out on my own and grow up before my time but I also have to spend thousands of dollars and countless hours on fixing the mess they created. I know that they did the best that they could given the tools they were given from their upbringing. They grew up in much tougher circumstances and what helped them survive in those situations are counterproductive and harmful in the present situation. Survival and what is considered healthy is subjective to the environment you're in. While  I was empathetic to all that and was able to forgive them, there was a lot of judgement on my part and how I judged them on their competence as adults and parents. As they say, the things we judge in others are also the things we judge in ourselves. So it's not surprising that I'm nervous about having a family when I'm older because I don't want to be the messed up parent that my kid would have to heal from. 

[soos_mite_ah]

 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Been feeling lost lately but this made me feel a little more found. 

[Etherial Cat]

@soos_mite_ah You're wonderful.

I'm getting so excited for the future of humanity when I'm reading such a thoughtful and smart youngster.  

[soos_mite_ah]

@Etherial Cat Thank you 

[soos_mite_ah]

Comparing Myself Against the Priorities of Other People

I had a bit of a backlash in the last couple days. It was for an incredibly dumb reason. There is this person I went to college with who is an influencer and goes to law school. Her account came up on my Explore page and I couldn't resist the temptation to click on it. I went to her page and so many of the insecurities and the shame that I worked through came back up, I felt behind in my life. I felt like I wasn't doing enough. I felt like a failure. It was a mess. I kept thinking *when am I going to have my season of happiness? When am I going to be living my best life?* Next thing I knew I continued spiraling by looking at other people's accounts and comparing myself. 

After venting about this with a friend, I realized that I was comparing myself against the priorities of other people. The people I was comparing myself to all prioritized school and career above everything else. And don't get me wrong, I know many of these people and I know it comes from a healthy, purpose driven place rather than a place of insecurity and workaholism. But my top priority hasn't been school and career. And I made that decision early on because I knew it was the healthiest thing for me. As proud as I am of that because I know the strength and authenticity it took me to make that decision. But there was this feeling of being left behind because I chose a different path. There is a part of me that saw the trade off between prioritizing self development and prioritizing school and career. They were at odds in many times and sometimes I think that after i finish dealing with my issues, I will have a lot of lost time to make up for and I have to put this extra stress on myself. 

But then I was like, why am I doing this? Why do I feel this way? It's ridiculous. I'm judging myself on how far I'm on a path that I didn't even take, a path that I technically didn't want to take.

I think the reason why I do this is because even though I did prioritize self development over school and career, the people around me always told me that the right decision was to prioritize school and career over everything. A lot of it came from a healthy place where it's like having a good career will give you a sense of contribution and purpose, it will keep you grounded, and it will ensure that you are financially independent which means you can live life on your own terms.  But the problem is the implicit notion that came with it in the attitudes of the people who were giving me this message. Especially from my parents it was this sense of *nothing matters as long as you have your career, friends and relationships don't matter, you're basically throwing your life away if you make a boy your priority, don't waste your time on things that won't be beneficial for your college applications. In this stage of your life school has to be your highest priority* I get where they were coming from. They didn't want me to succumb to peer pressure. They didn't want me to get into a toxic or codependent dynamic with a boy and give up all my dreams to follow him. They didn't want me wasting my time on things that weren't going to benefit my future when I could do something else that better serves me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that prioritizing other things shouldn't seem like a death sentence. It shouldn't feel like not prioritizing school means you will have a bad life and that you will be wasting your potential. It's perfectly reasonable to prioritize other things depending on where you are at your life and what your needs are. I know people say life is short, but I honestly think life is long. Especially when you're young, you have time. You can do things at your own pace. You will eventually move into different phases of your life where you will prioritize different things. And that's ok, there is a season for everything.

Like I noticed that when I compare myself I tend to get upset over not having things that I technically don't want in the first place. One time I caught myself feeling like a failure when I found out someone I knew was engaged. I don't even want to get married at my age. I guess another thing with me prioritizing self development is that when I do have milestones or when I do achieve a goal, it usually not something that I can show off. I'm not about to walk up to someone and start talking about how I made peace with this traumatic event that happened to me in childhood for example. And I think because of that, my achievements regarding self development can go unnoticed or uncelebrated, making me feel like I haven't done anything with my life. 

I know for me, if I were to prioritize school and career as my number one priority like the people I was comparing myself to, it probably wouldn't manifest in a healthy way. I shouldn't judge myself and my progress based on what I was told to prioritize. Sure if I judge myself school/ career wise, I'm not doing so great. But if I judge myself according to my own priority of self development, I'd say I made an amazing amount of progress and that I'm doing good for myself. And I think that's more important when it comes to understanding what will actually make you fulfilled.

On 3/6/2021 at 9:02 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Priorities 

For the longest time my priorities have looked like this: 

• Self development/ mental health 
• School/ career/ extracurriculars 
• Friends
• Family 
• Everything else 
• .....
• Love 

(...) My parent's wanted me to prioritize school and career so that I would be successful growing up. Typical Asian parents I know. But even at a young age I knew that there were short comings for that mainly because I knew about that whole archetype of a person chasing money and success and ending up absolutely miserable in their life. I instead opted to prioritize self development and mental health because to me that seemed like a more balanced and holistic priority. I still saw the importance of keeping school/career/ extracurriculars high on the list because it's important to have a sense of purpose, have some hobbies to ground you and force you to grow, and have some way of providing for yourself in the future. I didn't neglect my friendships mainly because I prioritized my mental health and part of that means maintaining a solid social circle even though my life didn't revolve around my friends. But love and relationships on the other hand was like the very thing that shouldn't be a priority.

(...) I think at the moment my priorities should look more like this:

• Everything else/ enjoying myself
• Self development/ mental health (I know I said I needed a break from self development but I literally don't have much to do because of my current situation)
• Love (well right now it's more like contemplating about love and ***manifesting*** since I can't go out lol) 
• Friends 
• School/ career/ extracurriculars 
• Family 

After I get back to school I think my priorities should look more like this:

• Enjoying myself/ mental health
• School/ career/ extracurriculars 
• Love 
• Friends 
• Self development (since I need a break)
• Family 

I don't think there was anything wrong with my priorities  before hand but I'm adjusting the order because of what I feel like my needs are at the moment. I don't need to keep working and stress myself out. For a bit, I need to let loose and have fun. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Plastic surgery 

I have been thinking about this topic for the last couple days idk why. I guess every now and then my vanity slips out lol. I know this isn't the most conscious or self development oriented topic but I just want to get it out of my system so I'm not in my head anymore. 

I have thought about getting plastic surgery many times in the past. I have been hesitant because of the costs, side effects, fears of something going wrong and ending up looking like a more messed up version of myself etc. 

Breast Reduction: I started thinking about getting a boob job when I fell asleep on the couch a couple years back. I fell asleep in a weird position and woke up to my boobs strangling me. That was scary and uncomfortable lmao. I also get back pain occasionally, I don't like having people stare at me or sexualize me, and I wish I could shop for clothes that I like without worrying whether or not I look like I'm going to sit on the black casting couch. Also I don't like the idea of spending $80 on a fucking bra. 

But also on the other hand I like the way my chest looks and how it looks in proportion to the rest of my body. Like even though they are big they aren't saggy. Most of the time I can get away with going braless. Again, I like the way they look, I just don't like how society treats me and my lack of clothing options. And that makes me think that maybe it isn't about needing to fix something for me, rather it's about other people. I can deal with the occasional back pain and avoid falling asleep on the couch if I'm going to be honest. 

Liposuction: If I were to get liposuction, it would just be for my stomach. No matter how well I eat or exercise, I always have a little pudge in that area. I've had it for as long as I can remember. It really effects my confidence and because it's the one thing that I'm insecure about, my mind likes to hyper focus on it. I think it takes up a lot of mental energy and this insecurity has resulted in me having a dysfunctional relationship with my body image if I were to point out a feature in my body. I always feel like I would be a 10 if I had a flat stomach. 

While I have mixed feeling about getting a boob job, I don't have the same with getting liposuction on my stomach. I don't like my stomach, never really did, don't know if I ever will. My only thing is the cost. I think it would be so much cheaper if I just accepted myself tbh. 

Lip filler: This is one of those things that crossed my mind as a joke. It's really petty. I love the way my lips look naturally from the front but from the side my top lip protrudes out a little more than my bottom lip and I just want it to be equal. It's super nit picky and I have a tendency to do that with my appearance even though I don't think about it much and it doesn't have an effect on my life or confidence. Wouldn't get this in a million years. This is my inner perfectionist talking lol. Plus needles and injections scare tf out of me. 

My other thing with plastic surgery is the permanence of it. I have experimented with appearance growing up and most of the time I just want to go back to my old features eventually. In high school I dyed my hair burgundy. It was cool for the first couple months and then I just wanted my black hair back. I liked my black hair before and how it contrasted with my skin, how shiny it looked but I always wondered what I'd look like with red hair and if that would look better. There was also a part of me that saw my black hair as plain. Similarly when I got hazel contacts a couple years back, it was cool for the first two weeks. Then I wanted to go back to my brown eyes because I felt like the lemur from Zoboomafoo. Like my black hair, I also had mixed feeling about my brown eyes and just wanted to experiment. I like how warm and expressive my brown eyes are and how it matches with my hair while standing out compared to the rest of my face. But again, there was a part of me that thought it was really plain and was curious about how I would look if I had different features. Both of these helped me move closer to self love as far as my appearances went because changing my features helped me appreciate the ones I already had. But it's easy to switch out contact lenses and to grow out your hair again. If I did something similar with plastic surgery and wanted to go back to the way I looked before, thing would be A LOT more complicated. 

On the other hand, I have made a change to my appearance and didn't feel like I wanted to go back. I switched from wearing glasses to wearing contacts. Growing up I didn't hate my glasses but I thought that I looked nicer without them. But I can't say I liked them either or saw any pros for wearing them besides simply not wanting to poke my eye out every morning. I always took my glasses off for pictures. When I switched to wearing contacts, I was surprised by how much mental space was freed up in my head and how confident I felt. My self image became so much more positive after wards. 

I think if I were to get work done, I probably wouldn't do the reduction because I have mixed feelings about. And I have noticed that when I have mixed feelings and I change my appearance, it's cool for a little bit and then I miss my original features. I would get the liposuction because I don't have mixed feelings about that aesthetically. But my thing is, will it be worth it or am I just being petty. Is this similar to how I feel about my lips because on one hand it's something minor. It's not like I'm trying to lose 30 lbs from this procedure (also I don't think using this as a short cut to weight loss is wise but I digress). But on the other hand it isn't like my lips because this does take a lot of mental energy for me. 

In the end of the day the main thing stopping me is thinking about how much cheaper and how much easier all of this would be if I just accepted myself fully. 

Also there the fact that I'm broke because lets be real I don't have a few thousand dollars just lying around. 

Edited March 28, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Nitpicking at my Appearance 

The last post was rather therapeutic so I'm going to delve into this a little more.

Lately I noticed that I am nit picking at my appearance. It's super petty since the stuff that I'm picking at isn't noticeable to most people or hell even me unless I zoom in real close. These include:

• my uneven skin tone and acne marks: Still felt confident even when I had a ton of acne. Most of these marks can't be seen unless someone were to be waaaaaay tooo close to me and put a magnifying glass on my face, 
• the small amount of chub I have in my upper thighs: Super minor, I feel little to no difference emotionally when my legs are slightly thicker or not
• how I could lose an inch off my arms: Super minor, I feel little to no difference emotionally when my arms are slightly thicker or not
• the tiny mistake I made when I last did my eyebrows: Literally not even noticeable 

And none of these really have a big impact on my self image. But I still find myself nitpicking. These things are so minor that I don't even see the worth in changing them because they won't change much. This is so much more psychological than physical. 

I think this is a reflection of my perfectionistic tendencies. Since I'm taking a break from I guess heavier and deeper forms of self help, I'm getting a backlash of sorts. Before I used to nitpick at my quality of consciousness and my development. Because I'm not focusing on those things as much, those nitpicking tendencies transferred over to my appearance. These come from the desire to present the most polished version of myself. And as much as I want to address this mechanism and get rid of it, that would again feed into the whole eliminating parts of yourself to be polished. 

Even though I'm taking a break from deeper forms of self help for the time being, I do notice flaws in my character that I can work on improving. And instead of doing that, I'm challenging myself to let those flaws just be. Because they aren't necessarily flaws, I just perceive them as such because of the way I want to come across and my survival interests. There is nothing wrong with that. I'm just trying the acceptance route more nowadays as opposed to the action oriented lets fix this right away route. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I took a break from journaling and I have a lot to write about. But before I do that, I'm posting some videos that I liked and thought were insightful as it pertains to where I'm at with my growth. 

Edited April 1, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Accepting the Softest Parts of Myself: Thoughts on Vulnerability

A few days ago I talked about my insecurities that I have with my physical appearance. Just writing all of that was really helpful in processing and releasing it. That night I had a thought that was along the lines of this:

Isn't it an interesting coincidence that you have trouble accepting your stomach, the softest part of your body? 

And I have written many posts in this journal talking about how I'm trying to be gentle with myself, trying to accept my vulnerabilities, and trying to work through shame. While I have been doing all of that psychologically, there is a parallel that I observed with my stomach and how it reflects on my body image. 

I found that accepting my stomach was difficult over the years. It's particularly vulnerable. Physically, again it's softer. My arms and legs are thicker and I have been insecure about not being skinny there but I worked through it by appreciating how naturally rounded, yet toned and muscular it was. But with my stomach, I didn't have that type of redeeming quality. It just felt like a soft blob. It made me think along the lines of  how you don't have to find strength in your softness and vulnerability to see the value of your softness and vulnerability.

Psychologically there is a vulnerability because I found it difficult to find beauty in this "flaw" in order to embrace it. But that night, I thought, maybe I don't have to see my stomach as beautiful to embrace it and accept it. I then thought that this is a better way to deal with vulnerability and shame where we don't have to approve of something in order to accept it and be at peace with it.

I also squished my stomach a little bit and thought about how nice it was to feel, how in a way it made me more cuddly and huggable. Likewise, vulnerability can make us more open to affection and connection from others. Additionally, focusing on how my stomach feels rather than what it looks like I feel helped. I think I can apply this to vulnerability as well where appreciating and feeling into the depth of an emotional experience, even painful and shameful experiences, can help fight off shame because you aren't as focused on how the experience looks from the outside and how that can reflect on your image in the eyes and judgement of others or yourself. And like an un-flat stomach we are compelled to hide our vulnerabilities and flaws in the fear that it isn't flattering, one is physical and the other is social/psychological. Like I know a large chunk of women don't have flat stomachs but everyone hides it and the media sure as hell doesn't represent bodies like that.

(Also side note, fuck dressing in order to be flattering. There isn't anything wrong with that if it makes you feel that you can embrace your favorite features but limiting yourself to what society considers flattering in order to get closer to a certain standard of beauty at the cost of self expression and wearing what you want aint it.) 

Finally, when it comes to a large chunk of women not having flat stomachs, there is a biological reason for that. Most women have a little bit of fat on their stomachs because that extra padding is supposed to protect the uterus and helps with child bearing later in life. Our vulnerabilities also provide us protection psychologically by informing us what is and isn't ok for us to put up with. I also like to have this attitude where I try to view my negative emotions as warning emotions that point to what's going on in my psyche. The only reason why these emotions are given the value label of "bad" is because the ego doesn't like feeling them. Similarly, the only reason why I don't like my squishy stomach is because it doesn't serve my ego's desire to conform to beauty ideals since at the end of the day my ego wants to be desirable, even if it's only in my own eyes and even if no one else cares about what my stomach looks like. 

I think I have made progress when it comes to my body image as well as my relationship to being vulnerable. While I did know some of these things already, I found that observing the parallels between my stomach and my emotional vulnerabilities was interesting. I feel that seeing my stomach as a physical metaphor to my sense of softness and vulnerability brought me closer to accepting how I look. This comparison helped me view my stomach in a different light in this beautiful yet poetic way. To be honest, if I were to have the option of getting liposuction tomorrow, I can't say that I'd deny it because I still wish that I had a flat stomach. But I think this reflection helped me plant the seeds for more self love both for the way I look and the things I have experienced. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Feeling Unworthy of Connection 

I found an article that I found really useful. I'm posting it here so I don't lose it. 

https://www.psychalive.org/nobody-likes-me/

[soos_mite_ah]

Turning Competence into an Identity Part 7: Exploration

I haaaate how I still have things I'm discovering about this. I don't like being reminded on how deep this problem goes lol.

So I was thinking about somethings and I realized that my desire for competence interferes with me exploring my identity because I don't want to make mistakes and waste my time. I'd rather take some time to contemplate what I want and question myself and then take action rather than going out there, living life, and figuring things out as I go along. I think it's good that I try to think before acting so I don't do anything stupid impulsively but I think in some aspects it does hold me back. 

I don't like admitting that I don't know what I want in some instances. I know I've made posts in the past talking about how I feel unsure about my sexual orientation. And that felt shameful. It made me feel like mess, like I wasn't sure of myself. Of course not wanting to be a mess has a direct connection to me wanting to maintain my identity of competence. I know that exploring my sexuality is a very natural thing to do but I find myself resisting the whole trial and error process. It seems so time consuming and I want to fast forward to when I have the answers. 

This is also true when it comes to my career and life purpose. I retook the life purpose course and something stuck out to me in the FAQs because all of this is in my mind. Leo was talking perfectionism and not wanting to go down the wrong path in the journey. And he was talking about how we shouldn't be afraid of doing that because even if we have to course correct, we would still learn things along the way that will help us later on in the journey. I find myself having an existential crisis of sorts every other year about wtf I'm doing with my life and if I'm on the right direction. I'd say that I have a bias for contemplation over action which can result in stagnation at times because the time I use thinking I could use for going out there and exploring my interests. I think the reason for this bias and why I prefer thinking is because I have a desire for efficient action. But at the wrong time, the desire to be efficient is at the expense of letting myself explore which actually ends up being inefficient because half-assing exploration can yield in a lot of lost growth

[soos_mite_ah]

Talking to a Vedic Psychic Medium

So a lot of weird and unfortunate things have been happening to me and my family so my mom being the religious/spiritual person she is thought it would be a good idea to talk to a psychic medium. Then she was like the medium needs to talk to me and my dad as well. 

I'd say that I have a healthy dose of skepticism with such things. But I was also excited and curious about the whole thing. I looked forward to the phone call all day. 

I asked her a few question. I can't say that I was satisfied with the answers. This lady talked a lot and she wasn't very straight forward lol. 

The first question I asked was if I was going to find lasting happiness through my healing and self actualization work. She was super vague but I think it was a yes????.... But we talked a lot about my past experiences and I wasn't too impressed. I was expecting to have my mind blown after she would tell me about things that I didn't mention to her. But most of her insights were inferable given the information I gave her and given her background as an immigrant. 

The next question I asked was about my career and what my calling was. She gave a straight answer to that one. She said that I was going to be a human rights lawyer who would then go on to have a political career. It felt really out there. I am minoring in human rights and I am passionate about a lot of causes but law school just sounds ehhhh........ not sure about that one. I was hoping I'd have a light bulb come on in my head but that didn't happen. 

Next I asked about my love life and if I was going to get into a relationship. She went on a whole thing about how she doesn't believe in soul mates and twin flames and how they are tropes that sell well in books and movies. Then she said that I just need to keep my heart open and that I'll find someone eventually because she doesn't see any reason why I would end up forever alone. Vague but ok.... I contemplated on whether or not to tell her that I'm looking for a short term relationship but I decided against it because she talks so much. Tbh I  asked this question because I wanted to know when I'm going to get my cheeks clapped. 

That was going to be my final question but she kept mentioning that I have karma and grief that I'm processing from the life I had just previously to this one and that's why there is a lot of messed up things happening. So naturally I was like "so what happened in my past life that was so bad?" I wanted to know what type of wild things she was going to tell me. She told me that apparently I became an orphan at the age of 7 and then went around begging for food and living on the streets. Then I had 4 kids with a husband that beat me up regularly. I died in my early 30s. And naturally I was like well damn....... That's depressing. I didn't know what to say to any of that. 

[soos_mite_ah]

This video really resonates with me 

[soos_mite_ah]

Shame Around  Being a Virgin

I was lucky enough to go to a nerdy and progressive school all throughout high school when I identified as asexual. I faced some of the uncomfortable things that asexuals deal with like having people I don't really know too well ask me really personal questions about my sexuality and dealing with how sex obsessed our culture is. A lot of asexuals feel this sense of unrelatability with straight people but also the LGBTQ community. You see sexualized ads, sex on tv etc. and none of it really makes sense to you. The whole concept of how sex sells doesn't resonate (I also found research that debunks that myth but that's another topic). As an asexual, watching everyone being obsessed with sex is like having the Super Bowl happen but you aren't a football fan, except in this case, everyday is Super Bowl Sunday. 

As an asexual, I didn't see the big deal around sex. I didn't get why people would get worked up about being a virgin as if it was something shameful, as if you were undesirable if you haven't had sex, or worse how some people think you are impure if you are not a virgin. Like...just let people live whether it was a product of their choices or simply a product of timing. There is so much shame and judgement that can be wrapped up in conversations like these. Sex isn't a big deal and that doesn't mean that if sex is special to you or you don't want to sleep around you're making a big deal out of it. It's to say that whether you want to save yourself for marriage, have an orgy, don't  care about sex, have sex be an important part of a relationship or whatever tf, it's relative to the person and doesn't say much about them. Just don't judge other people on their choices so long as no one is having their boundaries being crossed. 

But once I got to college, the feelings of unrelatability heightened. My college has a huge hook up culture and I felt excluded by that. It's like everyone is talking about sex, what they like, what they want to experience, stories about their experiences etc. There is nothing wrong with that. I'm interested in the topic of sexuality and I'm pretty comfortable around it. But a lot of those conversations feel one sided because there is only so much I have to say on the topic. A lot of times I'm sitting there like *oh that's nice glad you had fun... can't relate lol.* And this bred a sense of FOMO, like I wasn't living my best life or that I'm immature and inexperienced. It also doesn't help when guys find out I'm a virgin and say things like "oh you're so boring you need to live a little." I have things that I enjoy doing and that bring me fulfillment. If anything I think it's kind of sad that you define how exciting you are or your life is based on what you do with your genitals. That's how I normally think of situations like this but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't get to me. 

I recognized that part of the reason why I wanted to go out and have sex despite being asexual and not being attracted to anyone is so that I can relate to my peers and not feel like a weirdo who is late to the party. I rationalized my status of being  virgin of hey I'm asexual, I don't really want to have sex if I'm being honest. And the people who know I'm asexual would get it and won't think much of it. My asexuality gave me a sense of protection from peer pressure

But now I'm starting to identify as straight, which means I have to deal with the pressure of being a straight woman. I don't have the label of being asexual protecting me any more. I'm 21 year old who is a virgin, who hasn't kissed anyone, and who hasn't been in a relationship. A lot of it mainly has to do with me not liking anyone tbh. But as time goes on, I start feeling more weird and more isolated.  Like when I was 16, a lot of this was normal, but at 21 it becomes less so. Sex starts feeling like more of an expectation. 

Something that I encounter a lot when I tell people that I'm a virgin, that I haven't kissed anyone, or that I haven't been in a relationship is people being really surprised. They're like "oh but you're so smart, and beautiful, and charming, how could someone like you be single for so long?" I hate this so much because there are plenty of men and women with limited dating experience who are perfectly fine as people. It's this assumption that if you aren't in a relationship or you aren't getting action, you are undesirable or that something is wrong with you. That can be incredibly toxic for a lot of people and can create a sense of insecurity or desperation or worse in extreme cases yield to incel ideology. Also just an fyi to any other  virgins reading this, there is nothing wrong with you and you don't have virgin written across your forehead. No one knows or cares tbh unless you make a big deal out of it and get insecure. 

There are also 4 basic reactions that I get when I tell people that I want to wait to have sex. I have a variety of secular reasons for not wanting to jump into bed with someone which I'm going to make a post about a little later. 

1. Positive constructive: This guy respects my boundaries and sees me being a virgin as something neutral. He isn't shaming me or fetishizing me.
2. Positive nonconstructive: This guy fetishizes my virginity and likes to have control over inexperienced women. He also slut shames other women with experience or feels intimidated by them. He may or may not be religious. Either way, he is creepy and cringey. 
3. Negative constructive: This guy respects my boundaries but sex and having an experienced partner is important to him for healthy reasons whether its because he is afraid of a power imbalance with being much more experienced compared to me, he wants to explore his sexuality with someone with more experience, or that sex is really important to him in a relationship. He and I are coming from different places and he respects that difference as well as his own desires/needs so he politely rejects me because we are looking for different things. He is pretty nonjudgmental. 
4. Negative nonconstructive: Sex is really important to this guy. There is nothing wrong with that but the problem comes when he doesn't respect my boundaries and is judgmental. He might shame me for being a virgin by calling me religious, prude, boring etc. He might pressure me or try to change my mind to sleep with him by pulling cheap tricks. Or he will be offended and tell me that I'm an ugly whore anyway. Basically he will exhibit a lot of creepy and cringey behavior. 

The constructive responses, whether they be positive or negative, don't really bother me. The nonconstructive responses make me uncomfortable, positive or negative. 

There is a HUGE part of me that really wants to explore my sexuality especially as a newly realized straight woman (that phrase feels really weird tbh). I want to explore sex as a form of both physical and emotional intimacy. But I'm frustrated because I can't find someone that I like. I've had opportunities to lose my virginity, have my first kiss, and get into a relationship in the past but I said no because I wasn't into the guy. Also being locked in the house because of the pandemic doesn't help. The pandemic along with getting older has caused me to feel impatient with all of this. Also, I think my desire to explore does breed a sense of jealousy. I see other people talking about their experiences and I get this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. It isn't disapproval because I see nothing wrong with what the are doing, but I think it has to do with me wanting to experience those things for myself. Finally, I hate to admit it but part of me wants to experience these things to know that I'm capable of experiencing these things. I see myself as desirable and beautiful inside and out but sometimes I feel that other people don't see me in that light. Men either friendzone me or they want to smash, there is no in between. I wish there was someone out there who saw me in a romantic light so there is both the physical and emotional forms of desirability.

Edited April 5, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Why I Chose to Remain a Virgin 

Honestly I'm just venting at this point.

As much as I want to complain about not getting any action and even though I have some shame wrapped around being a virgin, I will say that it was my choice and that no amount of shame or pressure externally will cause me to change my mind. 

1. I don't like anyone

This is probably one of the biggest reasons. I had opportunities, I just don't like anyone. For the longest time I identified as asexual and I wasn't attracted to anyone at all. Now, I'm attracted to people every now and then but the people who approach me, I have no interest in them. Also it will take more than simple attraction for me to want to have sex. There are lots of people who I think are cute but that really doesn't mean anything tbh. 

2. I want to be in a committed relationship first

• I know that once I start having sex, I probably won't be able to stop. I can't just lose it in a one night stand, because that isn't a reliable source I can keep coming back to. I want to explore my sexuality with someone, not just lose my virginity for the sake of it. 
• I need emotional intimacy. I want there to be some type of romantic element. For me personally, I need that to feel good or feel anything at all sexually. That's what I noticed with my dating experiences. Emotional attraction/ bond > anything physical. I want my first time to be at least somewhat enjoyable. 
• I want to lose it to someone I can trust and someone I'm comfortable with. Those things need to be built. Because I'm a virgin, I do have some nerves wrapped around having sex and I want to make sure this person will respect my boundaries and won't expect me to do things I'm not ready to do. 

3. I'm one of those people who will get attached to the person I'm having sex with. 

Often times firsts do have emotional weight to them. Also personally, my love language is touch so I can see myself being the type to get attached. FWB and casual sex isn't really for me. Like I mentioned before emotional intimacy is important to me. Not all women are like this and that's ok. Women are allowed to have casual, no strings attached sex. But for me personally, that wouldn't be healthy or authentic. 

4. I want to have clear judgement when I'm dating. 

I'm one of those people who can get attached to sex. I know there are some women who get blinded by good dick and next thing you know they are in a toxic relationship or they are attached to a guy who doesn't care about them. I don't want that to be me. I want to have a clear idea of a person's character and intentions outside of sex. 

5. Health issues 

This not a reason anymore but it was a reason why I waited in the past. My period was extremely irregular to where I would go months without having it. If I were to be sexually active, I would have to play this game every month where I ask myself *so am I missing my period because my body is acting up or am I pregnant?* I didn't want to put myself through that anxiety. I have had pregnancy scares despite being a virgin lol. Thankfully I got that taken care of and I figured out what's going on with me. This is no longer a concern. 

6. Access to birth control. 

 This not a reason anymore but it was a reason why I waited in the past. I didn't get on birth control until recently due to my health issues. The birth control is supposed to regulate my hormones and let me have a normal cycle. But before all of this, it has been difficult to get on birth control because of my conservative parents even though I wanted to get on it for precautionary reasons (say I got drugged and raped at a party, the last thing I want to think of is *am I pregnant?*). I know condoms are a thing but I wanted to be extra careful by getting on birth control before doing anything because pregnancy is some sci fi shit and I'm not ready to have a kid. 

7. I want to make sure I'm having sex for the right reasons. 

I don't think it's healthy to push myself to do something I'm not ready for or comfortable with because that's what everyone is doing and I want to be relatable. I think that would be an act of self betrayal to waiver on my own boundaries. I don't think it's healthy to want to have sex in order to feel desirable. I want to work on myself and straighten those things out first instead of rushing in and regretting things. But  I will say that the main reason I want to have sex is for a healthy reason and that is to explore my sexuality and release anything I'm repressing. I have prioritized other things in my life and as a result my romantic needs were put to the side, that's why I'm a little repressed. 

 

And finally I just want to underscore that none of my reasons are wrapped around religion or any amount of repression with my sexuality. If anything, considering the things I want to try, I'd say that I'm fairly open minded and adventurous. I hate how some assume that I think sex is dirty or that I'm dogmatic around sex just because I want to wait. I hate how some people think I'm playing coy and that pick up tricks will change my mind. No, I just don't want to. The whole notion of trying to change my mind or trying to get me to bed feels so slimy and forceful. If I wanted to I would, you wouldn't have to convince me. I hate how people assume that I'm lying when I say I want to wait, especially when they assumed that I was promiscuous because of the way I'm built (being promiscuous isn't bad I just don't like people jumping to conclusions without knowing who I am). I hate how people assume that I'm trying to wait because I'm afraid of being labelled a slut. I don't see anything wrong with having sex on the first date or sleeping around, I just don't do those things because of my personal reasons. I'm not a prude who slut shames others, men or women. My reasons are secular, they honor my emotional needs, and have to do with my physical health. 

Edited April 5, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Credit Where Credit is Due

I know I said  I was taking a break from Leo's content and deep self improvement, but I just had the idea the other day to binge on Leo's older videos from like 2013-2015. I'm honestly impressed by how far his content has come from production value, content, and his speaking style. Not to mention how much he has grown since then.  

A lot of Leo's early stuff is basic self help. I noticed that I integrated most of those things though it didn't hurt to brush up on somethings. I'm proud of how far I come. I came towards a lot of these insights myself back when I was 13-18 tbh before discovering actualized.org. However, there are some more foundational things I probably should revisit. I journaled about this before but I jumped into transcendence early without fully going through integration. Again, you need a strong healthy ego before you transcend the ego. I tried to let go of everything too quickly and got attached to letting go. The foundational topics are really important even though they do have short comings and aren't the highest teachings. 

Also, I found myself demonizing stage orange less. Leo's early videos have a lot of healthy orange to them which can be pretty grounding. Again, even though I integrated most of the advice to the point where it feels like common sense, bringing healthy orange to the forefront to embrace it more was really helpful imo. I know life isn't about excitement and I identify with being more of an introspective homebody tbh, but  I feel like I have more of a lust for life, a desire to go out and do things, to take in whatever life has to offer. I have been trying to integrate healthy orange for a couple years now and I think to continue that, my best bet it so be more action oriented and less in my head. That means being productive, making friends, and getting more life experience. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Updating My Style 

Since my dad got both dose, my parents felt comfortable with letting me get out to do something other than go to the grocery store. The other week I went and bought myself some new clothes.  It was uncomfortable to spend money on myself when it isn't a necessity.  But I still bought myself some clothes anyway. 

Apart from feeling beautiful and confident, I found myself feeling more in alignment with who I'm becoming and that feels amazing. It's like the Teal Swan quote I posted in the previous page from the video where she talks about boundaries. 

On 3/16/2021 at 3:14 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

  Quote

11:50-12:40 

So how does this idea of boundaries fit into the idea that we live in a universe which is all one? It seems like a contradiction, but not so fast. If I'm embracing what I truly am, what I truly want, what I truly need, what I truly feel, I'm embracing the unique expression of source energy that I truly am. I'm actually more in alignment with the universe that is one than if I'm losing my boundaries because I'm denying my true expression as myself extension of source. In other words I'm embracing the unique expression of source that I am rather than seeing myself as separate from others or from source. And so, personal boundaries are not a contraction to spirituality. We're simply using the word boundary which we associate with resistance. 

I mentioned earlier in this journal how my whole vibe as a person is changing and how I made a Pinterest board to get more in touch with my aesthetic. This whole process made me feel more like myself and made me feel more in tune with my sense of self expression. I know better than to rely on consumerism for self care but this felt refreshing. The problem isn't consumption, it's copious consumption. Plus I'm not relying on consumerism because I'm doing plenty of work on myself outside of buying things. 

I also observed myself feeling less repressed after shopping. I made a few posts about my feelings around repression. Here is one of them:

Don't get me wrong, I want to do the other stuff on this list but I found myself not feeling that restless, neurotic feeling anymore. I feel a little bit more at peace and clear headed because I got this out of my system. It goes back to the whole integrating healthy stage orange that I talked about in my last post. I need to get out there and experience life so I can burn through my superficial desires and have the clear head to go after what is most meaningful.

On 2/20/2021 at 2:19 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Things I want to do when the pandemic is over

Go to a restaurant: Doesn't matter where, I just want to take myself to dinner and sit down somewhere that isn't my car or my house in order to eat. Also,  I want to go to a coffee shop and just chill. That was one of my favorite things to do before all of this happened. I know I can technically do that now but my parent are at risk and we are hella strict when it comes to these things. done

Go shopping: I want to get some new clothes because part of me wants a change since I have essentially been wearing the same 5 outfits on repeat in the house since I have nowhere to go. Also, I feel like my tastes and over all vibe has shifted and I want to wear things that honor that change. I know I can shop online but I want to shop in person because I'm built weird (as far as the fashion industry is concerned) and I have to try things on.  done

Go to a big ass party: I have a lot of repressed and bottled up craziness stirring inside of me and I want a release. I don't see myself partying a lot since it really isn't my thing but I feel like I need to go to 1 rave or something to get that out of my system.  don't care anymore

Start dating again and get into a short term relationship: I have a lot of romantic thirstiness to release and I want to explore my sexuality more since idk what my orientation is anymore. Also, I want to let go of this idea that I have to have my life all the way together and constantly work on myself in order to be loved. 

Make some friends: I really want a social circle again. I was so ready to start putting myself out there but as soon as I felt that way the pandemic hit. 

Get some actual hands on experience with my career: A lot of the internships I have been applying to are ones that are remote. I'm tired of just sitting behind a screen in my bedroom. 

and last but not least.......

TRAVEL AND MOVE OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE: I had to cancel my plans and move back home. That has taken a toll on me to say the least. I can't wait to do things by myself again. 

 

In short, because I can't do any of these things, I feel rather repressed. On a somewhat related note, I also feel like I haven't aged since March because of the pandemic. 

I think the biggest thing for me is having a social circle and getting into a relationship. Especially the getting into a relationship part. I find myself being super emotionally thirsty and wanting to explore my sexuality to the point where I know that occupies a large chunk of my mental energy. :Like I wake up in the morning and my first though is wanting to be cuddled. Every time I find myself distracted with a task or simply day dreaming, it usually me creating a romantic scenario in my head. And this happens much more than I feel comfortable with admitting lol. I'd be more efficient if I got it out of my system. 

The most irrelevant things on this list I'd say is the restaurant, and parties. Those things would be nice but aren't necessary to alleviate feelings of repression. I already went to a coffee shop recently just to chill there and I let myself eat inside of a building since my parent's calmed down a little. That's now out of my system. Also, after introspecting a little more, I realized that I don't care about parties, I was just in the house too long. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Self Expression vs Safety 

Ok so I bought some cute clothes the other week and I feel great to where I want to post it on this journal. 

The blue crop top and the skirt is so loose and comfortable. I also really like the floral print on it and how I can mix and match the top and the bottom with the other clothes I have. As for the white outfit, I feel absolutely gorgeous in it. I'm a little nervous wearing it out but thankfully those are shorts, not a skirt so even though its short I dont have to worry too much (it's one of those types of shorts) 

I'll admit I'm a little hesitant with posting this because I'm worried about weirdos on the internet. 

It also got me thinking about when I shopping there were a couple of low cut shirts that looked really good on me. I only bought one and even though I look and feel great in it, I'm nervous about wearing it out. I'm nervous about the cat calls, the disrespect, the creepy behavior etc. Honestly, I just want to have my tits out in peace. I just love the way they look on me. It's not a sexual thing and I hate that I even have to say that because of the way women's chests are sexualized. I could say that I love my arms for example and show them off and no one would say anything or think that's sexual but it as different with my chest. Ok smh.... 

Then I was like, exactly how much of my self expression is cut off due to safety reasons because men don't understand consent or basic social skills? If I were to be brutally honest, if it was socially acceptable for women to be shirtless the way it's acceptable for men, I'd be all for it. The double standard is so annoying. Also being labeled a whore doesn't bother me that much. Sure it's annoying that people assume sexual things about be because of the way I'm built and that's weird. But my main thing is the physical safety part. 

I know people might think that I'm trying to dress in a revealing way to appeal to men. HONEY THAT COULDN'T BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. Tbh if straight men didn't exist for a few days, I wouldn't have to think twice about if I have to cover up. I would probably dress more provocatively because that's what I'm into (and if a woman desires to cover up for herself that's on her too we don't decide what is or isn't freeing for people). 

Also another thing that I don't know if I touched on is the way that femininity is sexualized. Feminine presenting people tend to deal with more harrassment regardless of gender. Vaush does a good break down on this when it comes to feminine guys and the issues they face.

It's one if the reasons why growing up I felt uncomfortable with embracing femininity because I thought it meant that I was painting myself as an airhead who morphed herself to appeal to men. Why tf does femininity have to be for men? We don't dress the way we do or do our makeup because our worlds revolve around men. If we embrace our femininity, it isn't for purpose of attracting men. Why cant it just be *hey this is what I like and this is an authentic expression of who I am*? I'm tired of the whole male gaze and I want do what I like without people assuming that it involves a guy. Not everything revolves around men and if they were less egotistical to where they understood that we wouldn't be in this problem.

(I honestly think that specifically men who think like this are projecting because they are the type that tries to be extra masculine even if it doesn't feel authentic to them in order to get girls because they are insecure about their desirability so they assume that women do the same thing with their femininity)

And then this turns into a self fulfilling prophecy because men think that we dress for them, they start thinking they are entitled, they harass women on the streets and then suddenly we have to consider what men think when it comes to our personal decisions for our safety and peace of mind. 

Edited April 7, 2021 by soos_mite_ah