The Joy Journal

[soos_mite_ah]

Parallel Perceptual Realities Part 2: Social Anxiety 

So upon realizing this whole parallel perceptual reality thing that I'm experiencing because of the pandemic, I felt a few things come over me.

Firstly, I felt really depressed and started having suicidal thoughts because I felt as if I was alone in my perspective, that I was crazy for feeling traumatized by this whole thing and not moving on quickly like everyone else seems to, and that I was wasting my life in this hell. I've met people who have had normal fulfilling lives so far with normal healthy parents and they seems so happy. Then I look at my life and I see all of the experiences those people racked up and see how empty and trauma filled my life is. Again, sometimes my life feels like a constant cycle of being traumatized, healing from that trauma, and then another traumatic event pops up out of nowhere either because something happened out of the blue or I remembered something and realized I never addressed it. It's like playing wack-a-mole in the worst way possible. And I'm so tired of playing wack-a-mole. I just want to skip to the part where I'm living my best life, I know what career path I'm taking, I have a solid group of friends, and I'm financially and emotionally stable. 

Second, I felt a sense of social anxiety rush over me. Part of me feels like I can't relate to a lot of people, again because of this parallel perceptual reality, and in order to relate, I'll probably be relating to other people's trauma. This freaks me out for two reasons. One because I don't want to trauma bond with people and get into a codependent dynamic. And two because relating to people based on the traumatic things that happened to you when you're in the early stages of meeting someone is awkward and makes you look like a fucking weirdo. I know that the pandemic has given me a new flavor of crazy but I don't want my crazy vibes to attract other people with crazy vibes. And that makes me want to crawl into a hole and shut myself out even more even though I crave making new friends. 

That is something that I personally call cocooning. Basically I want to crawl up in my cocoon, work on myself to be the most competent version of myself, and then come out of that cocoon as this actualized butterfly. I'm tempted to go inside of this cocoon because part of me doesn't think I'm worthy of connecting to people in this state nor am I going to be able to create lasting friendships in a mindset like this. Like I remember the last time I tried to put myself out there to make friends, I did make a couple of friends mainly because we had shared experiences, those shared experiences being mostly trauma. And I outgrew those friends so quickly once I got help and got into a better mindset and next thing I know I can't relate to them. I don't want that cycle to repeat itself.

I know the simple solution to this is put yourself out there but don't reveal the really personal and painful things you experienced lately. I mean having that sense of privacy is important. But the problem with that is then I find myself falling back into the whole parallel perceptual reality dynamic where I feel super isolated and possibly fake. I guess the best way I can describe this is that it's kind of like wanting a relationship but you don't want to go through with the formalities and the whole thing that is dating. Like you just want to jump straight to the point where yall are comfortable with each other, neither of you guys have shaved in 3 weeks, and yall are eating take out while watching anime. With friendships it's the same thing. I don't want to go through that whole phase where I act super normal and relatable.  I want to jump to the point where I can talk about spirituality, leftist talking points, and the newest weird thing I found on the internet that I'm obsessing over. I know this is coming from a place of desperately wanting to connect and relate to people I have things in common with. As much as I hate to admit it, I crave validation. Not in *stroke my ego and call me pretty* way but more of a *I need someone to relate to so I can stop feeling crazy and I can make this parallel perceptual reality thing to go away.*

And even though I crave validation and human connection,  I'm so tempted to just shut up, keep quiet, act like the most vanilla version of myself, keep my head down, give up on my social life, get my degree and get the fuck out of my college. I know this is a huge limiting belief but a huge part of me doesn't see the point of trying to make friends since I'm going to graduate in like a year and a half or so. It feels to late to make friends. My whole college experience has been such a dumpster fire  and I'm tempted to throw in the towel and just be antisocial.

[Raphael]

@Raptorsin7 Don't you feel relief when you let your rage out?

@soos_mite_ah Whatever helps you get it out is great, but it needs to get out. Maybe doing more of this could help:

 

Edited July 9, 2021 by Raphael

[Raptorsin7]

10 minutes ago, Raphael said:

@Raptorsin7 Don't you feel relieve when you let your rage out?

@soos_mite_ah Whatever helps you get it out is great, but it needs to get out. Maybe doing more of this could help:

 

I have no real outlets for my rage so idk. 

I'd be afraid that people could hear me screaming

[soos_mite_ah]

@Raphael The video isn't showing up lol. Can you please just describe what it was?

@Raptorsin7 I've tried screaming into a pillow and surprisingly, the screams get really muffled and you can't really hear it. I had the same fear too before trying it 

[Raphael]

@soos_mite_ah Do you have a restriction on the video? Maybe you can access it here through its link.

[soos_mite_ah]

@Raphael still isnt showing. Its saying it's a copyright issue ??‍♀️

[Raphael]

@soos_mite_ah

Ok. That's sad lol. So, I'm going to describe it.

The video is a short clip from the TV Show "Mr. Robot", it shows Elliot (the main character) discovering after forgetting that he has been abused during his childhood which is the reason why he suffers from a lot of depression and have repressed anger and sadness. He doesn't know what to do with his emotions and decide to let them go by shouting everything out.

The video title is "Elliot Rage and Vera "Amen" | Mr. Robot S4E7", but I also found a shorter version which I'm putting below in the hope that it works:

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Online Dating Feels Forced 

Ok so a couple weeks back I wrote about how I tried to talk to a guy I met on Tinder and how the whole thing feels forced. I came across a tiktok that explains this in a different lens which I found interesting. It was talking about the importance of context in dating. I'm going to link the video below but just in case it doesn't show up, I'm going to quote it: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdVKEeMP/

Quote

I think one of the reasons why so many single people are so frustrated with the current dating landscape is because we must understand the value of context with dating. When you meet someone on an app, you meet them only through the context of the platform. There's nothing wrong with that. People will continue to be successful, they have been in the past. It is a viable way to meet someone. But we often overlook the value of context and community in a dating setting. Meeting someone through work or school or mutual friends is a natural and seamless demonstration of value that apps don't give. And so it makes it hard and it also puts a lot of pressure on like whether or not you feel attraction or chemistry with a stranger because you're really meeting them completely void of any context. I think it's also a helpful reminder for people that are ghosted by people they meet on these apps because it's like you don't have anyone holding you accountable, you don't have any kind of shared community, and not that it's ok to do that but truly don't take it personally.  Because it's really not. 

I know that she ends on this whole thing by talking about ghosting and I like her point of view on this on how these apps systemically contribute to the whole ghosting phenomenon instead of blaming the individual. But I also want to add the point of view of how a lack of context can make it more difficult to trust a person and how that can impact feelings of safety both psychologically and physically. For me, it simply doesn't feel right to go from being complete strangers to dating. That's not to say that you have to be my friend first but it's more so along the lines how a lack of context contributes to a lack of familiarity which then leads to a lack of trust. For instance, I'd probably be more comfortable going on a date with someone I see on a regular basis in one of my classes even if I have never talked to him than I would going on a date with a random guy who I met on Tinder. I also know that in the cases with Tinder, my friends and I also send each other pictures of what we are wearing as well as the address of the location we're headed to just in case things get weird/scary since we're meeting total strangers. We wouldn't do that type of thing if we were to go out with idk say a friend of a friend that we know exists but we never really interacted with. Because in your social circle and even a little bit outside of it, you have somewhat of an idea of what kind of people you hang out with, what kind of people are likely to enter the social circle, and any red flags that we should be aware of (like for instance my friends and I have an idea of which guys around us we should avoid because of their creepy/ misogynistic tendencies and we warn each other accordingly).   

I also wanted to emphasize on how meeting people irl through people you know feels more seamless and natural because of that context. Because even if the guy I met on Tinder turned out to be a decent guy who isn't some type of serial killer, it still feels awkward to a certain extent because of a lack of things and people in common. Again, there is that sense of trust and familiarity you get when you share a common context which then makes it easier to open up and get to know each other. 

I guess the conclusion I have came to upon reflecting on this for the past 2 weeks is that I need to build a friend group and some type of a social circle first and then potential dates will come from that because this whole online dating thing is just not working... like at all for me. And even if that doesn't work, I'd rather die alone in peace than go through the pain and awkwardness of forcing something the feels wrong or not meant to be. 

 

Edited July 13, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Capitalistic Notions of My Best Self 

So this came up in my subscriptions section on YouTube and I thought it was funny. It was also a moment of just self reflection for me because I started thinking about how I was academically elitist when I was growing up and how I've grown and changed since then. Katherine talks about her experience with all of this and a lot of the clips that she was reflecting on felt like a more extreme/exaggerated version of what I was like at that age.

First things first, I would say something that young Katherine and I had in common back in the day was having grades, not learning and school as a high priority and as a result was judgmental towards other kids and was critical over their own performance. I wouldn't say that I was overt with my judgements and it effected the way I treated other people. I mainly kept those thoughts to myself and judged people who wouldn't do their work (especially in things like group projects lol) but consciously I also knew that people have different things going on in their lives and I have no way of knowing everything. I remember once making an observation that a lot (not all) of the kids that performed well at school and was at the top of their ranks did come from more upper middle class backgrounds even though most of the people in my school are lower middle class. I did encounter people who were kind of stuck up with their grades and honestly, I have felt this need to fight people on sight. I'm planning on doing a whole 'nother post on my experiences with elitism.  Like for me, the way that I was self critical about grades came from a very fear based mindset that was along the lines of *if I don't do well in school, I won't go to a good college and if I don't get into a good college, I won't get a good job, and if I don't get a good job I'm going to be starving and homeless so everything depends on the grades I get on the next exam* I'm going to go into that more in another post about childhood under late stage capitalism. 

I never got to the point where I never let myself rest or have a moment to myself and felt like I had to be hyper productive. Katherine talks about how like even in the shower she would try to optimize that time for being productive around the 13 minute mark and I just thought that was wild. I had a lot of anxiety and depression growing up mainly because of my home life and as a result I felt like I needed to take time for myself and not push myself as hard because or else I might have a full on break down and yeah... I'm not here for it. But I did have some guilt and hesitation around prioritizing self care and self growth. I always felt like I was prioritizing the "wrong thing" at that stage of my life because I was always expected to prioritize school, my future career etc. by my parents, teachers and peers. I still sometimes feel like I need to make up for lost time when I do get to a place where I'm emotionally doing well.

My ideal self is someone who is productive and who is getting ahead in life. That previous statement is definitely rooted in internalized capitalism and just stage orange bs because it prioritizes what I can do rather who I am. But I think the other part of it is that the difference between who I am at my worst and at  my best isn't really that different. Even at my worst, I don't have much of an issue with aligning with and standing up for my values. I'm still kind and able to empathetically communicate with people. I still make an effort to think critically and slow down rather than making rash decisions. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my character and my values are consistent whether I'm at my best or at my worst. As for the differences between me at my best and me at my worst comes down to how productive and focused I am, how emotionally and socially open I am, and to what extent I judge/complain. Out of those three things, I think how productive and focused I am displays the most obvious and tangible differences and as a result feels more real than the other two. Especially in a stage orange society that values things that are material and can be measured, results and tangible successes are prioritized. 

This is a bit of a tangent but I think people who have to deal with marginalization are much more likely to question the system and think critically about it. Because the system doesn't work for you and you find yourself wondering why that is so. For example, I grew up as a woman of color who has had issues with mental health, who was exposed to issues of classism and institutionalized racism from a young age, and who has had to unpack generational trauma from things such as colonialism and its effects. But when you're in a place of privilege and the system works for you in some way even if it's just in a relative sense (because lets be real, things like the patriarchy and capitalism screws everyone over at the very least on a spiritual, absolute level). It's like, you aren't going to reevaluate your life on a good day when everything is going as planned. You're going to reevaluate when things are going wrong because it's in the best interest of your survival to figure out what the problem is and try to fix it. And I know this is going to sound rather rude, but priviledged white people don't have to question these things and as a result, a lot of them go through the motions without critically thinking. It isn't always overt hate, sometimes it's apathy and the priviledged of going through the world unscathed. And when you're surrounded by people who come from the same cushy environment, you start to assume that the rest of the world is like that and that the rest of the world doesn't have to think about things like race and generational wealth. Implicitly, you start to assume that we actually live in a meritocracy. 

If I remember correctly, I remember Katherine talking in another video (forgot which one) on how she was raised in silicone valley in a super competitive area that expects you to know what you're going to do for the rest of your life at 13 or so and how there is a lot of pressure in those areas that is rooted in capitalism and elitism. But because of her privilege and how things like this were normalized growing up, she didn't question much of it. I believe that she talked about how she started questioning these things when she got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and how the medication she was taking resulted in a lot of anxiety and depression which then caused to her realize how ableist cooperate culture and capitalism can be. And then the pandemic and the whole BLM protests last year made her question things even more.

I guess what I'm trying to convey is that the more you're exposed to systemic issues on a personal level through direct experience, the more likely you are to reflect, grow, educate yourself, and be mindful of those experiences. The reason why I didn't go as deep into this capitalistic, stage orange mindset like Katherine is because of the exposure I had with other systemic issues. And while I had my own personal issues, I guess there is somewhat of a silver lining there as well.  The more I write about these things in my journal, the more I realize that there is no such thing as personal problems rather there is only systemic problems that effect us personally. 

[soos_mite_ah]

My Story of Class Consciousness

I really liked Tiffany's video on the role of wealth and class in life style content. Though there isn't any one part of the video that really stuck out to me, I found myself reflecting on how class impacts my experiences and how my sense of class consciousness evolved over the years. 

***NOTE: This post is a place holder for myself to write about this because I have been putting off writing about this specific topic. 

[soos_mite_ah]

It's been more than 2 weeks since that arguement. While I dont feel disoriented anymore, I feel incredibly lonely and isolated and I feel that I cant really talk to people in my real life about any of this. I still feel like I'm making to big of a deal about everything and I hate how I cant move on. I hate how I feel so weak for being traumatized like this. I mean, that feels like such a large dramatic word to use in the first place. 

On top of that, I'm still terrified of starting school because of how bad things was academically and personally for me. My self esteem and feelings of capability are nonexistent. I'm really socially anxious about returning. I'm tempted to isolate. 

I still dont know where tf I'm heading or if my life is heading anywhere at all. I dont know if things will be ok and sometimes I wonder if its worth sticking around to find out. Do people who are in positions like me, do they get out? Is this what the rest of my life is going to look like? Life just feels like an endless cycle of being traumatized and trying to heal from it. I don't want go live like this. 

I have no friends I feel I can go to, no set career goals, no feelings of accomplishment, and I'm left feeling unsupported. I dont feel like I have anything going for me tbh. 

I've been feeling anxious, depressed, and lonely for the last month or so now if I'm correct and even though I know what I feel isnt the best representation of reality, I really do feel like I havent made any improvement or any growth at all in the last few months. 

Edited July 19, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Crazy Crystal Astrology Lady Things

So I'm currently working at a home decor store and while restocking the shelves, I found this set of 12 crystals for $25. The box was pretty heavy and the crystals were unpolished. I'm a little skeptical on how real the crystals are since they were so cheap but I feel like unpolished crystals are harder to fake than their polished counter parts since people can color glass and sell them as a polished crystal. The amethyst in the collection seems pretty promising as it is kind of clear and the color is inconsistent meaning it's unlikely that it was made in a lab. 

I'm not super into crystals. I thought about dipping my toe in just for fun, the opportunity presented itself, and I bought the collection using an employee discount. Two things came to mind. One, I'm turning into the crazy spiritual crystal lady (in a good way I mean this light heartedly lol). And two, I'm returning to my previous crystal ways. I remember as a kid, my uncle would take me hiking. He used to work in mines and got his college degree on geology. He would teach me about crystals, how they formed, and how to spot one. It was mainly from a science pov. It wasn't not a spiritual thing. And even though I didn't really get into crystals in a spiritual way, I got into them as a kid because, well, I like shiny things. And I find myself getting into them again for the same reason. It's not that deep lol. 

Also, I've been getting into astrology lately because my tiktok and youtube algorithm decided that I should get into it lol. I keep getting thing related to astrology in my feed. I keep getting these posts that are along the lines of how empires last for roughly 250 years and that's because around that mark the empire's birth chart goes through its Pluto return (Pluto returns back to the same place as it was when the empire was founded). When the Pluto returns back to it's original place, there is usually a lot of chaos, the empire basically either combusts from the inside or it goes through a lot and comes out much stronger. Apparently, the U.S. is going to have it's Pluto return from 2022 to 2024. During those years, the planets that are going to be in the sky are also going to be in the same place as they were in the French Revolution. So in other words, a lot of the leftist astrology people think that American style capitalism is going to go through a bunch of changes and the next few years are going to be messy af. 

Idk if any of this is real. When it comes to crystals and astrology, I don't believe or disbelieve it. I'm just here for the fun and the memes (but I will say that the descriptions behind my Virgo Venus and my Pisces moon did leave me feeling called tf out and personally attacked) But I swear to god, if there is some type of stage green revolution that comes up in the next decade, I'm going to start collecting more crystals and take it seriously when people talk about mercury being in gatorade. 

Also there is this astrologer that my friend recommended that I follow back when the pandemic first started. This woman predicted when we were getting the vaccine in the end of December around the 21st, who was going to win the 2020 election, and the fact that things will open up in summer 2021 but will go back to lock down in fall/winter 2021. So far, she's been correct, and I've been sitting there shook every time something came true.  Mind you, she made these conclusions in March 2020.

 Finally, I decided that I was going to look at my astrological birth chart again. I uncovered some shit to say the least. But that's going to be a future post. 

Edited July 23, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

My Birth Chart

Ok so this conversation with a friend started with her talking about Lana Del Rey's birth chart and apparently how our charts have similarities and complement each other. I'm not going to get too into that but I got curious and I thought I'd look into my birth chart more. I knew what my placements were and what they indicated (like what a scorpio mercury meant) but I wasn't super sure when it comes to aspects and how they relate to the houses so there was an entire dimension I guess I didn't consider too much. 

I found this website called astro-charts.com and I like this website because not only does it give you the planet positions but it also shows any big picture patterns that might come up. This website for instance did show me that I have a grand trine, a grand cross, and a kite formation on my chart. These formation and the colors of each of these lines are determined by how many degrees apart each planet is from each other. Just for  a quick run down, the red lines represent placements that square each other meaning they are 90 degrees apart. This is usually a challenging placement for energies that clash with each other. The blue lines represent oppositions or planets that are 180 degrees apart. Planets that are in opposition are often in signs that are opposite to each other. This can be challenging but it can also be something that helps balance an individual out. Then you have the green lines which represents trines which happen when planets are 120 degrees apart. Usually these planets are in the same element and they compliment each other. This is pretty favorable, luck, and easy to have since there aren't any challenges present. The purple lines are sextile lines and they are for planets that are 60 degrees apart. They are also pretty favorable and positive, but it isn't to the same extent as trines. Finally, you have the yellow lines which are quincunxes which are 150 degrees apart. Usually the energy around planets that are like this is that they are awkward and they don't have much in common with each other. Tbh, I'm not going to focus on that aspect because I don't feel like it. 

So now, what happens when all of these trines, sextiles, squares, and oppositions have a pattern and create diagrams? That's what I'm going to explain using my chart because my chart looks unhinged lol (years ago my mom went to an astrologer and this man told me that my chart looked cursed. Granted he was using the wrong birth time and I decided to check on what he was looking at and to be fair, that chart looked rough, but not cursed. THIS CHART is cursed lmao). 

Here is the basics of what I'll be talking about.

Trines and Sextiles= good.

Oppositions and squares= bad and/or challenging

Green equilateral triangles and kite formations= We love it we're here for it. We love green equilateral triangles. Bad bitch energy. Healthy and happy queens. 

Square formations with crosses inside of them= YIKES!. Run. There is trauma. There is chaos. Cursed. 

Edited July 24, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

I'm going to do a part two on my  findings and understanding about all of this but if there is anyone really into astrology and knows what they're doing, I'm happy to receive input lol.

[soos_mite_ah]

My Birth Chart Findings and Understandings Part 1 Big Picture Aspects 

I'm going to start talking about the messier parts of my birth chart first and then end on a good note. 

In other words, I'm going to start off by discussing the cursed square in the middle grand cross. 

Grand crosses occur when you have a lot of planets in one modality due to the number of degrees it takes for one to form. The modalities are cardinal, fixed and mutable. Cardinal signs consist of Aries, Cancer, Libra and Capricorn. They tend to be assertive, energetic, and dynamic, however this can lead to being too hyperactive and burn out. This energy manifests in different ways in each of the signs. Fixed signs consist of Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, and Aquarius. They tend to be  persistent, stable, and resistant to change, however they can also be rather stubborn. Mutable signs are Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius, and Pisces. They tend to be flexible, adaptable, and openminded, however they can sometimes have issues with boundaries and not have backbone. I have a grand fixed cross. Lana Del Rey also has the same grand cross but she has them with different planets. And as much as I love her music, given the topics she sings about, lets just say that unfortunately, I don't want to experience any of the things she went through. So I'm scared lol. This is how I generally feel about my grand cross:

My planets in my grand cross consist of my sun, my ascendant, my midheaven, my Neptune, and my Jupiter. This is basically the gist of what that means that I copied and pasted from a couple of the websites I looked at: 

Quote

This (grand cross)  takes place with a combination of all four fixed signs—Leo, Aquarius, Taurus, and Scorpio—which are so set in their ways that they're prone to holding patterns. And with a fixed cross, a person can end up similarly stuck with the more troublesome qualities of a particular sign.

"With a Grand Fixed Cross, the person can get stuck in one of the planets' qualities without balancing the other planets," says Kavanagh. "This results in a fixed position where they cannot benefit from the themes and positive traits of the other planet or sign."

"A theme here is very much a resistance to change, so learning flexibility is very important with a Grand Fixed Cross." —Kavanagh

A Fixed Cross aspect can also impact a person's ability to seamlessly roll with the punches. "Another theme here is very much a resistance to change, so learning flexibility is very important with a Grand Fixed Cross," Kavanagh says. "Otherwise, the person could find themselves staying on track with a course that doesn't truly serve them, and get stuck."

 

Quote

FIXED.   The Fixed signs are focused on the questions of self-worth. The focus gets directed based on whether the individual has the ability to acknowledge the worth of the self and mastery (Taurus), creativity and spirit (Leo), vulnerability and trust (Scorpio), and humanity and brotherhood (Aquarius). The main purpose of the Fixed signs is to uphold and maintain the activity that the Cardinal signs created and initiated. The Fixed signs are not ready to "move" from the course of action taken and may resist any efforts to implement change. When the Fixed Cross is activated by transiting aspects, the tendency is for the four planets to hold their course and resist outside pressures for change. Resistance seems to be the main energy of the Fixed Grand Cross in an effort to carry on or maintain homeostasis, rather than flow with an energy that might change the course. On the other hand, when the Fixed Cross individual does initiate action, it can be exceedingly difficult to stop the momentum. The Fixed Cross is like a locomotive - slow to start but once in motion, stays on track and is exceedingly difficult to stop until it has run its course. The self-worth of the Fixed Grand Cross develops unconsciously, for better or for worse. The value that the individual has of the self will be exhibited in their self-esteem. The challenge for the individual with a Fixed Grand Cross is to find the ability to allow flexibility into their activities and to share their accomplishments with others.

Also in general, when people have grand crosses, they have too much of one kind of energy. In my case with my fixed grand cross, that means I have a lot of stubborn and persistent energy. But because it's with all four signs, that stubborn energy clashes with each other and pulls people in multiple direction causing confusion, chaos, challenges, and more. Life can feel like a series of traumas and for those with a fixed grand cross, often times, it can feel like life is going nowhere and is totally stagnant. However, when the individual with a grand cross is able to balance the energies and have them compliment one another instead of competing with one another, a lot of good things can come from that. But you have to really struggle with figuring your life out first. And there is going to be a lot of struggle. The specifics on what those struggles will be and how they will play out depends on the planets/ houses that consist of the grand cross as well as any other aspects in the birth chart so I don't have the specifics on that for my chart. 

I'd say that I can relate to this. My life does feel like a series of traumatic events and feeling pressurized by myself and others to figure things out. I do tend to feel stuck and stagnant a lot of the time (not including the current phase I'm going through). I have struggled with a lot of self worth issues because of various traumatic instances. I also always had a hunch that once I clear out my trauma and logistically get things together that I could really do something worthwhile with my life. 

Next we have my grand trine. A grand trine occurs when there is a planet in each element and they line up to form an equilateral triangle. The elements are fire, earth, air, and water. Fire signs consist of Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius. Earth signs are Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn. Air signs are Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius. And finally, water signs are Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces. However, it isn't always in the same element because it also depends on the degrees they are apart (they need to be 120 degrees apart). For instance, my grand trine consists of my moon in Pisces (which is super close to an Aries moon), my midheaven in Leo, and my Chiron in Sagittarius.
 Basically, from what I can gather, grand trines are extremely lucky and harmonious. People who have a grand trine are people who things come really easily to them. They don't have to struggle much and they tend to be charismatic, talented, etc. The odds are in their favor. Grand trines can also come in different elements. I guess I would have a fire grand trine since the trine consists of Leo and Sagittarius and a late Pisces/ almost Aries. This is what I could gather about fire grand trines: 

Quote

A grand trine appears in the natal chart when three planets are separated from each other 120°. It occurs between three signs of the same element. They represent a balanced and harmonic association, which is why it is considered that the appearance of a grand trine in the natal chart speaks of talent.

It is an aspect that shows us the personality traits. In general, people with a grand trine in their natal chart are naturally inclined to use that available energy. But if you also become aware of it, it is possible to enhance that talent and use it to stand out in some areas of life.

A grand fire trine occurs between the signs of Aries, Leo and Sagittarius. Those who have this aspect in their birth chart are extremely active and restless people. They are not interested in comfort or common places. On the contrary, they are people who are naturally attracted to challenges and changes, and face them with confidence and without fear.

Generally, they tend to be people who shine in whatever initiative they undertake, and they do not have a hard time achieving success. They are the type of person who stands out in all places and draws the attention and looks of others, for their spontaneity and security in their goals.

To some extent, you could say that a person who has a grand fire trine in her birth chart are adventurers, artists, or great leaders. They are always occupying places that require all the time to be in transformation. For some this can be exhausting, but for people with this aspect in their natal chart is their true motivation, and they move in change like fish in water.

If we are going by elemental grand trines instead of specific degrees, I guess you could also say that I have another earth grand trine with my Venus in Virgo, my Mars in Capricorn, and my Saturn and Jupiter both in Taurus. I don't think that can count because the degrees don't form a triangle but here is a brief description of an earth grand trine: 

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This astral aspect tells us about a good time to achieve professional goals. People with this trine are the ones who turn their ideas into reality, after thinking about what to do, they act to make things happen.

Individuals born with the grand earth trine feel a deep need for inner security and stability. Due to the powerful magnetism of this configuration, there are plenty of opportunities for tangible support.

This grand trine, in addition to showing individuals who desire security and stability, manifests its great workforce, organization, analytical capacity, discipline and determination. However, what they must do has to be previously planned and not left to chance.

I think I also remembered reading that earth grand trines also tend to handle difficult situations well and tend to have a really level head. 

While grand trines are typically really lucky, the down side to this is that some people tend to coast on that luck without developing any skills or disciplines or a lack of challenge from having an easy life can lead one to become stagnant and never actualize their luck and talents. I think this is where my grand cross and my grand trine compliment each other well in a chaotic way. The grand trine ensures that I can get out of the difficulties with the grand cross in one piece while the grand cross ensure that I don't get a moment to get complacent because essentially, I'm not going to get a day of rest in my life. 

And finally, we have my kite formation that is made by my fire grand trine along with my Neptune in Aquarius. Here is a simple description on what it means to have a kite in your chart: 

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A Kite is a planetary aspect pattern that occurs when three planets in the chart form a Grand Trine and a fourth planet is opposite (180°) one of the Grant Trine planets, and thus forms a sextile aspect (60°) to the other two configured planets.

Kite patterns share many of the characteristics of the Grand Trine, but the fourth planet, in opposition, adds an additional point of tension and challenge to the pattern. This planet, sometimes known as the focal planet, often forms a point of emphasis for the native with this pattern—a place they can channel the talents inherent in the Grand Trine. The sextile aspects create areas of potential resolution for the tension inherent in the opposition.

So from what I'm understanding, it's similar to my grand trine in that it's lucky but at the same time the tension ensures that I don't get complacent and coast. In a way, I think it complements both the energies of my grand trine as well as my grand cross but it leans more towards the luck of the grand trine because kites consists of the grand trine. 

I think I can also relate to both of the grand trines that I mentioned. Growing up I could grasp a lot of concepts easily whether it consisted of how I should act, academic materials, and I guess life lessons. Because of those things, despite having all types of issues growing up in my household, my parents always described me as an easy child to raise. Whenever they say that, to me that always sounded weird because I feel like I have a good idea of all of the ways I was simply not fine and all of the ways my parents messed up on raising me (it's the grand cross talking lol). And when I lightly bring that up, they usually respond with something along the lines of "well with issues like yours, if you were more impulsive and didn't have the right head on your shoulders, you could have easily been the type of person who would've dropped out, gotten pregnant young, and/or gotten into drugs." I always had that feeling as well. I always felt like that I had just the right amount of priviledged to avoid the worst possible case scenario. There are little cross road that I think of and sometimes I think that if I didn't slow down and think things through, I could have ended up in a very different place. Not to absolve me from any situation in my life, but I think a lot of the shit that did happen to me had to do with things that were out of my control. Even though my life isn't great and I do have to deal with quite a lot, I think in most cases I have taken the best possible decision I could given my options. And for that, I do think there is some luck involved. 

[soos_mite_ah]

A little update since my last mental break down. It's been a little more than 3 weeks since that argument. I think I'm finally feeling ok. Me dealing with this came in stages. The first week I felt incredibly disoriented, The second week had me feeling lonely and terrified in the beginning and then later on it had me feeling dead inside. i felt dead inside for a little bit of this weak but over all I've been feeling neutral. I think at this rate I should be fine by next week and somewhat be back to being myself.  

Edited July 28, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Memories that Haunt Me

Ok so there is this memory from when I was 9 that has been haunting me since 2016 or so. It was January 2009. Obama just got elected president. I'm chillin in the 3rd grade and we were doing the unit on slavery, Jim Crowe, and segregation in history class. My teacher rolls out the TV on one of those rolly stand things, sits the entire class down, and had us watch the entire inauguration. Again, I was 9. I knew the bare bones basics of racism and didn't get the whole systemic aspect of it as much. I remember thinking  *huh interesting, I'm alive to see the first black president. It really wasn't that long ago since segregation was a thing. That's so crazy for people who were alive back then to be able to see this now.* I also started thinking about other historical events we discussed in school ranging from wars, inventions, little fun facts, things of that nature.

After the inauguration, we basically had a discussion as a class. I remember saying this. "I wonder what other historical events I'm going to live through in my life." And I remember exactly the feeling that was going through me. It was this feeling of anticipation and excitement. Part of the issue with history I remember encountering at that age was that all of the grand stories happened before I was born. As a result, I remember feeling this detachment from the reality of those events whether it was super positive like the first airplane being built or super chaotic like the Civil War. That disconnect kind of made history boring and unrelatable. Plus in hindsight, I was a literal child. There was only so much that I could empathize with and there was only so much the adults would tell us because when you're teaching history to kids, you don't want to leave things out but you want to present them in a way that it's age appropriate so you don't end up scarring them since young children can only process so much.  

At the end of the day, I came back from school and I turned on the TV as usual to watch cartoons. I flipped it to PBS Kids because I wanted to watch Arthur. And there was Obama. I flipped through all of the other channels whether they be kids channels or not and everyone was talking about Obama. Not gonna lie, I remember feeling slightly annoyed. Like, again, I'm just trying to watch Arthur. I also remember thinking *you know I get that this is important, but damn, guess it's REALLY important.* I was at the age where I saw politics as an old person thing and the thing that we would try to get the parents talking about right before we were about to leave our friend's house so that they would get into a discussion and we would have extra time to play. 

The next day I go to school and I start talking to some of the kids in my class and they also had the same experiences with trying to watch TV and just encountering Obama everywhere they looked. I just remember one kid saying "It's like wherever you look THERE HE IS ~~***OBAMA***~~. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE OBAMA." And then we kind of tried to brain storm what other significant historic events we would go through because we were in this mood of THIS IS SO EXCITING I'M ACTUALLY EXPERIENCING A HISTORIC EVENT IN REAL TIME THAT I'M GOING TO REMEMBER WHEN I GROW UP!!!! HISTORY IS SO COOL!!!! 

Some of the things we came up with were wars, bombs, protests, zombie apocalypse, flying cars, aliens, or really any invention we saw in the Meet the Robinsons. Oh yeah, we also thought of the world ending in 2012 and the natural disasters that would happen because that was something that was on TV every now and then. We were basically trying to come up with the most dramatic thing we could think of that we would all be affected by. 

I also remember watching the news every now and then with my parents. Things that would come up over and over included the swine flu, the economy being a mess, old people arguing about health care, and some conflict that was happening in the Middle East. And as a child, I didn't know what was happening for the most part. It all felt like background noise to a certain extent because of my lack of awareness as a kid. But every now and then I would look at this background noise. I still didn't get it but I would think.... whatever is all on the news today is going to be what my kids are going to have to learn in school in the future. 

Anyway, so fast forward to November 2016. I was 17 years old. Trump got elected. I didn't even check the news that morning because I was running late. I went to sleep the night before thinking *ya know, my girl Hillary got it in the bag. Everything will return back to normal. This will all be a funny memory."  

I get to the bus and the whole mood was really gloomy. I'm not even trying to make this up but it was actually cloudy and rainy outside as well. There were some people angry, some in shock, some depressed. Basically people were going through the stages of grief. And I remember thinking.... oh no... I'm living through a historical event... oh no.... 2016 was a chaotic year and given Trump was now president, the circus wasn't about to leave town anytime soon. I just knew that a domino effect will happen and I will have to deal with a string of historical events because we have an unhinged mad man in the office. It honestly felt like I entered into a different time line... because honestly WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.  Seriously. I remember people would joke about how Leonardo DiCaprio finally winning an Oscar threw off the time line and that resulted in opening this Pandora's box of chaos which turned into 2016. Then my mind immediately went to that memory from the 3rd grade and all I thought was how I wanted to get off that ride. I started getting why adults just wanted a peaceful uneventful life. 

And 17 year old me really thought that was going to be worst of it.  All I can say to her is this: 

At this point, I'm living through a plague. The ocean was on fire. The billionaire are having a space race. There is a labor shortage. All types of shit is happening. And if I hear the word *unprecedented* one more god damn time I'm going to lose it. The main thing I can think of now is going up to that 9 year old kid and saying "you're going to have to deal with more historical events than you can think of and it will be exciting all right." But I'm not going to say it with enthusiasm. I'm going to make sure the kid can hear the exhaustion in my voice and see it as a warning lol. However, knowing how I was like back then, that kid will ask me if I turned into one of those adults who are tired all the time and if so why I'm like that. To that I would answer that this is what happens when you go through too many historical events at once. And tbh, that kid would probably think that's interesting and would want to continue talking but I would have to tell that kid on how time travel works and how I can't tell her too much. She would understand that. I remember growing up I had this interest with time travel and I would watch Back to the Future over and over again. So basically, I knew how this shit worked as a kid and the whole deal with alternate time lines lol.  

To my 17 year old self, I would just tell her that things are going to be really weird for a really long time. Like, you can't even imagine how weird it's going to get. And I know she'll start panicking and getting triggered to which I will reassure her with memes and try to make this thing in a funny situation because that's how she coped with things. I would also reassure her by telling her that Trump will be a 1 term president. Then I would bounce the moment she starts asking about how my life is going now. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Time Travel Things 

After writing the previous post, I suddenly unlocked this memory from my childhood. 

I completely forgot about this show but I remember this was my shit growing up. I would get so excited when this was on TV on Saturday mornings. Basically, you have these three kids. One of them has an uncle who gives them this magic book that lets them travel through time and basically they use the book to have a bunch of these adventures where they learn about historical figures. I found a whole playlist on YouTube with all of the episodes. I rewatched a couple for old times sake and even though it's a little corny, I still enjoyed it. 

I mentioned Meet The Robinsons in my last post. I swear this was the movie that always played in my school because there was always that one kid that would recommend this when everyone else was indecisive. I probably watched this movie at least once a year every year from when it came out to like 2011. I remember being sick of this movie as a kid. But now it just gives me nostalgia. 

I remember one time I told my dad about how much I liked the whole time travel trope and he introduced me to the Back to the Future Trilogy. I still think the way the doors open upward in the DeLorean is really cool. I wish there were more cars like that but in different models because other than the cool door thing, the car wasn't all that. I also found it really interesting on how people in the 80s envisioned what 2015 would look like. I remember when New Years rolled around and it was 2015, I immediately just thought that this was the year when Marty goes to the future and fucks shit up. 

 There was also the Twilight Zone. It was on every now and then on this one channel that had all of the old TV shows on there. Tbh I don't remember much of the show but I do remember enjoying it, feeling creeped out, and feeling like my mind was fucked every time I watched an episode. I also enjoyed the other shows that were on there and I found it interesting on seeing what things were like back then. I wrote about this a while back.

And then there is my grandmother. She was born in 1918 in what is now Bangladesh. She was alive when the British were in India (pre-1947), when Partition happened (1947), when Bangladesh was a part of Pakistan(1947-1971), and then when Bangladesh got it's independence and became it's own country (1971). During that time she could have had a British  Indian passport, she did have a Pakistani passport, and a Bangladeshi passport without moving anywhere. And then later on in her life she immigrated to the U.S. I can't say that I was super close to her but growing up every now and then I would catch myself marveling about the amount of shit and the amount of change she saw in her life. Technologically, it's interesting but again, the social aspect is more interesting to me which I wrote about in the post I linked above. 

I guess the main disheartening thing about the topic of time travel is that I'm a brown woman who is not quite straight. Every now and then I would get asked *what time period do you want to travel back to* and it's always awkward because ummm... basic human rights...... And it's always a white man who asks this question. I guess if I could go to any time period, I'd try to go to the future but then again, given how things are going, I don't even know if I would like what I would see lol. But I still stand by the answer because even if the future isn't pretty, I would still get that wtf factor and I think that would still be interesting. 

[soos_mite_ah]

The Importance of Healing Relationships and Having Healthy Social Support 

I was talking to a friend about a few things and she started talking about her relationship with her boyfriend and his mom. She started talking about how his mom is basically her adopted mom at this point. She was talking about how his mom is actually emotionally supportive, genuinely likes having her around, is a place she can go to vent or get advice, and how she is still very much in contact with his mom despite them moving to a different country. She was talking about how she doesn't get any of that from her parents and I know I'm definitely on the same boat. Apparently she has a bunch of friends from college who come from similarly toxic brown households with a shit ton of generational trauma. They have a group chat where they talk about those things. One of the girls in the group chat basically shares any advice she gets from therapy to the rest of the girls and my friend shares wholesome stories about her boyfriend's family and the emotional support her boyfriend's mom gave her. 

Overall listening to this, I can say that I'm really happy for my friend. I started tearing up a little when she told me about her boyfriend's mom because I really wish I had an adult in my life I could go to for a sense of guidance. I feel like I've had to figure out too many things on my own and I'm exhausted from all of this emotional labor. Going to any of my family members for help usually results in more problems and trauma. I have a couple friends I can go to and while that helps to a certain extent, part of it feels like the blind leading the blind. Going back to the group chat I mentioned, we basically joked about how they all share one  brain cell when it comes to trying to find ways to cope. 

I started talking about a couple other things and we got to the topic of my nonexistent dating life and how I trying to figure out whether it's  good idea to put myself out there...like.. at all. On one hand it's important to get your shit together so you don't end up in a toxic situation but on the other hand, you can't always wait to be perfect because then it's basically avoidance at that point. This friend basically explained how she got into this relationship right before the pandemic when she was hitting a really low point after being stuck in the house with her parents all the time.  Tbh, that is something I couldn't imagine doing and I told her that. She basically told me that as long as you can identify basic red flags and have some form of basic self awareness that I should be fine and that I should have more faith in my decision making because just because you're emotionally going through somethings, doesn't mean you're going to bring in terrible people and toxic situations. I really want to believe her but I have this instinct in me to isolate myself and work on myself because I'm too afraid of my vulnerabilities being taken advantage of. Part of me really believes that she was probably just lucky to get into a healthy relationship with a guy who grew up in a healthy household and that this isn't something that plays out often. 

I remember like months ago she was talking about her relationship and she was talking about how this guy is really emotionally supportive, encouraging, and validating. I remember listening to that and having it not click in my head because I was always under this impression that if I got into a relationship, I can't depend on the other person and that I have to be 100% self sufficient or else I'm considered a clingy mess who is going to attract toxic partners. That's the message I got growing up and also from self help. Granted, I'm not talking about a bottomless pit of needing validation  and constantly needing to be around others but I think it can be destructive to think that all of your needs make you needy and you have to take 100% responsibility. Because if there is anything these conversations and my experience for the last year taught me it's that, you aren't supposed to be doing everything yourself, especially emotionally. That takes a toll on you in the long term. You're not supposed to be this lone wolf that copes with everything alone. And it really is a shame and it really is fucked up that I can't lean on my parents emotionally for anything. Because that's not normal. Not all families are as destructive as my own and this type of thing shouldn't be normalized. 

We talked about how there are people with healthy home environments who were hit by the pandemic but still came out of the situation not super traumatized because they had a decent support system who they could get support, validation, encouragement, empathy etc. But then there is me, my friend, and her group of traumatized friends who basically came out of it with a new flavor of crazy and emotional neglect causing this whole thing to be 10x worse for us emotionally. Like for the last year and a half I basically locked myself in a room and tried to avoid dealing with them because I felt emotionally unsafe in my own house. 

Edited August 7, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Also note to self: I'm not saying that it's a good idea to seek out friends and partners solely for healing purposes and basically seeking out a free therapist. That's not a healthy way to go about it. Instead what I'm trying to say is that instead of going into full on hermit mode, you can still go out and connect to people while feeling like you have the emotional safety to lean on them and vent to them.