The Joy Journal

[soos_mite_ah]

@Raptorsin7 And don't even get me started on the beauty standard thing. Sure, unless you're white, chances are you aren't conventionally attractive. But that doesn't mean you aren't attractive period. You can still be beautiful even if you don't adhere to traditional standards of beauty. Because lets be real, these standards switch up every decade or so. Just because you  don't find certain groups of women attractive, doesn't mean that those women are objectively unattractive. Especially when you take things like white supremacy and gender issues into account. Often times preferences don't exist in a vacuum. Especially with a lot of South Asian cultures, Eurocentric beauty standards are pushed due to things like colonization. And it's important to be cognizant of those biases and examine them.

[Raptorsin7]

@soos_mite_ah Okay I think I said my peace. Sorry if it came across as harsh and thanks for your input

[soos_mite_ah]

Welcome to Wreck-Tok !!!

So anyone who uses TikTok even just as a lurk account knows that that algorithm is scary in the sense that it gets really specific on your interests and it can very easily suck you into an echo chamber. Then next thing you know, you've been scrolling for two hours. There have been times where I get on tik tok and get personally attacked because my for you page (basically the explore page) is really my FOR YOU page. Before I get into that, I'm going to talk about what wreck-tok is. 

Because of the algorithm, after a few likes or a couple hours of scrolling, typically the algorithm gets an idea of what kind of content you're into and then you get transferred to one of the many sides of TikTok. First, we have straight-TikTok. This is where the conventionally attractive people with dance moves go (or just conventionally attractive people who post cringey thirst traps for 12 year olds). It is the side of TikTok that people typically think of when anyone mentions TikTok. You are probably going to find makeup tutorials and couples doing couple things on here as well. Whenever you download TikTok, you will end up on straight TikTok and the fastest way to get out is to search up things you actually like, like those posts, and eventually the algorithm will get the message. The first time I downloaded TikTok back in 2019, the first video I saw was of a 16 year old boy posting a thirst trap as if he was trying to seduce who ever was watching and honestly, I felt harassed and I felt like I did something illegal at the same time. It was very awkward and uncomfortable so I decided to delete the app because I felt like I was too old to be on here. I gave TikTok a second chance during the lockdown because I was bored and I managed to go to alt-TikTok without dealing with too many awkward thirst traps.  

Alt-TikTok also known as gay-TikTok is basically where all the cool kids who are usually considered weird by the rest of their peers go. Basically, if you aren't at straight-TikTok, you're all gay-TikTok. The girls, gays, and theys hang out here. Usually consists of cultural commentary (usually at least liberal if not leftist), cottage core lesbians, people with good fashion sense, and people who have an ongoing existential crisis. Through the broader category of gay-TikTok, through your likes, the algorithm can lead you in all types of directions ranging from the following: 

Witch-Tok: Here you will find tarot readers, astrology memes, people posting about angel numbers, manifestation tips, and advice regarding crystals. I like this place, it's rather entertaining. It can also lead to Spiritual-Tok. 

Left-Tok: Here you will find people talking about a variety of social issues regarding colonialism, the patriarchy, homophobia,  the hypocrisy of U.S. foreign policy, history facts, and of course, people ranting about everything that is wrong with capitalism and how it's affecting their mental health. I found this place to be pretty educational and insightful. I do fact check things that I find out there or really interesting and left-tok has never failed me. 

Mental Health-Tok: Sometimes there are overlaps between this side of TikTok and things like Witch-tok or Left-tok. This side of TikTok talks about inner child work, trauma, shadow work, self love, self care, and setting boundaries. There are a lot of people who also give decent relation

Aesthetic-Tok: Basically here you can find mood boards and inspiration for different aesthetics. You could be on bimbo TikTok, cottage core  TikTok, e-girl  TikTok, dark academia  TikTok, or whatever aesthetic floats your boat. You can find outfit inspiration, day in a life content, music, and things of that nature but the difference between aesthetic-tok and straight tiktok is that there is usually a theme to this content rather than just going with whatever is super mainstream. 

Different Cultural TikToks: Basically sometimes you can find yourself in the side of tiktok where you're in a different country. I had a friend who accidentally somehow got to Spanish  TikTok and she was really confused. I am on the south asian diaspora side of tiktok that talks about different issues that pertain to people who come from immigrant families. Usually consists of memes or actual insights. 

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that every subculture has it's own section. I mainly elaborated on the stuff that I encountered. Personally, I find that my for you page consists of the following: 

• Leftists talking about racism, sexism, and late stage capitalism (and currently Bo Burnham) 
• People trying to heal from generational trauma who are sharing their insights 
• brown people talking about social issues in the south asian community
• astrology/ tarot/ manifestation people 
• the occasional career advice / life purpose video. 

I also came across this one tiktok and not only does it resonate, but the comments absolute kill me : 

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdHt83L6/

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdHte2Tp/
So apparently, from the stuff I listed above, I'm on Wreck-Tok. Basically, the content I'm getting is on the basis of me being a total emotional wreck at the moment. Some people were also laughing on how if you're on Wreck-Tok you're basically in the phase of your life where you are questioning everything about your life and how society is run and basically you're getting out of the matrix. And if you aren't doing in that, you're basically unconsciously going with the flow like an NPC. I just thought that was funny. 

Edited July 3, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

I cant take the emotional invalidation, the gaslighting, the yelling, the commanding, and the name calling anymore. I dont even know if I'm perceiving this stuff right. I'm going insane. I dont know if what I'm feeling is real or if there is something horribly wrong with me. I hate how the help I'm getting is hurting me because it makes me feel like I'm the defective one for not getting healed. My head is jumbled and I can't make sense of anything. I dont know right from wrong and i dont know truth from falsehood. All i know is that i want to stop feeling this way. 

[RendHeaven]

8 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I cant take the emotional invalidation, the gaslighting, the yelling, the commanding, and the name calling anymore.

From whom? 

[soos_mite_ah]

I have been feeling really depressed and been having suicidal thoughts for the last week or so. I was going to get some food and my dad asked me what was wrong. I told him that I've been feeling pretty down and then he began to interrogate me about it even though I told him I don't feel comfortable talking. He kept asking me what is wrong and you need to talk about it with me in order to feel better. I betrayed my own instincts and told him what was going on because he wouldn't stop. I hate myself for that. Then the yelling began. 

I tried to explain what I was going through. I told him that I felt scared, worthless, and that I feel like I'm wasting my life. He told me that my mindset was wrong and that I shouldn't feel that way. He then went on to say "don't you know how it makes me feel to see you like this? why would you do this to me? Why can't you be positive like I've been telling you." I get telling someone something along the lines of "hey it hurts me to see you like this" and I know that's probably what he meant, but maybe I'm too sensitive and I'm taking it the worst way possible. I don't know anymore. Then he starts talking about an experience he had in my age because it parallels what I'm going through. I know he is doing this to find common ground but I felt worse after it. I'm nitpicking but it felt like there was no empathy there. I felt compelled to comfort him instead but I didn't because I felt awful in the moment. I feel so selfish for not helping him. I feel selfish for wanting this conversation to be about me and the emotions I'm dealing with. 

Then my mom jumped in. It was the usual "be positive, be strong." That's all she knows how to say to those things. I feel so angry when she says that because it feels so empty but I don't even feel like I have the right to feel angry because I know she's doing the best that she can do. Then she and my dad goes on to say that my biggest flaw is that I don't open up to them and that I tried to cut contact when I went off to college. I know it hurts them to know that I have trouble opening up to them and that I don't call them as often as my friends call their parents. They started talking about "well xyz calls their parents every day why can't you call us ever day like a normal person? It's not like we're a toxic and broken family." Then they went on to say that what ever negative feelings I'm feeling has nothing to do with them at the present moment. To be fair, it's not like they ever shamed me for staying home instead of going to school nor did they shame me for my health issues. Things could be worse. I don't have the right to complain or feel bad. They are right in that regard.  

But I still felt hurt in this interaction. They accused me for bringing up the past when they were harsh towards me growing up. They were like "why can't you just move on and look forward we already said sorry. We're not hurting you now. It's in your head." I felt like I was getting yelled at but to be fair they were probably saying this in a normal voice but I was in a heightened emotional state. I was balling at this point. I told them "i'm sorry I'm having issues with trusting. I'm sorry it's taking me so long to heal. I'm doing the best I can. I'm in therapy, I'm taking my medication, I'm taking care of my health, etc." Then they said that's not enough. You're not doing enough. You need to heal faster if you ever want to get out of this. You need to stop whatever you're doing and open up to us because you can't deal with this alone nor with a therapist. The therapist isn't helping and you aren't capable of helping yourself. They are right. I can't do it myself. Look at me, I'm a wreck writing on the internet typing out long ass posts trying to make sense of all of this  I told them this "i can't do this myself, I want help. But I'm so scared of opening up to you guys. I don't feel like I get the support I need." Then they said "well we are supporting you, we are there for you. You just keep bringing up the past so you can't let us in. We are helping you but you don't want to take that help." To be fair they are helping me and honestly, I feel so guilty and so defective for not receiving this help as help. I feel more wounded and hurt after their help. They are helping me but my stupid ass is too sensitive and looks into things too much and twists their words. Why can't I go along with what I know they mean? I'm smart enough to psychoanalyze what they are trying to say and act accordingly. Why do I have to go along with what they say?

They began to go on this entire thing on how whenever I try to do something on my own, I take forever to fix an issue and instead I need the help of two other people. I want to believe that but I notice that whenever I ask for help from my parents, I always end up in some type of anxiety induced physical pain. Somewhere in the middle of this conversation, I found myself in the fetal position having an anxiety attack. I heard my mother say under her breath "she's hopeless god I wish I was dead." I told them "please leave the room, I need to calm down." They did that and I was left alone to calm myself down. I hate myself for being so dramatic. They're doing their best but my body is reacting this way? Why? I shouldn't be feeling this way. They are helping. I should feel helped. 

I eventually calm myself down but my right arm won't stop shaking. I ask my mother for help. I tell her that I'm feeling a little better but please I want my arm to stop shaking. She grabs my arm and holds it straight. It's still shaking. She says "why are you still shaking, sit still." I tell her "I don't know how to stop, please help me." She tells me to sit still and call god. Nothing is helping. She then said "I can't help you, you have to do it yourself." I told her that I know that she isn't responsible for my emotions. I then said "please help me cope, please do something to comfort me. I can't do this myself. please making the shaking stop." She yelled at me and said THEN STOP SHAKING. 

 She held my shaking arm straight for about 39 minutes. I know she's helping but I felt so degraded after this interaction. Then I remembered that I have medication for specifically this. I took the medication and I lied down. The shaking eventually stopped. 

I lied in bed for the rest of the day. I felt anxious and incapable of doing much else.  I also lost my appetite. My mom kept telling me that there is something wrong with my gut. I told her that when I get anxious, I lose my appetite. She won't listen. She kept telling me to go to the doctor and get that checked because there is something wrong with me and that I'm using my anxiety as a way to not get help. The conversation kept going on an on with like this for an hour until I finally gave in and said that I'll go to the doctor. It's easier to admit that I'm wrong and agree with her. 

I'm not done typing this out yet but I feel emotionally overwhelmed so I'll write about this later. 

[Applegarden8]

Wow, i am really sorry for you. I would strongly advise to get away from them, if you live with them.

You are obviously very bright and more emotionally mature than them, even regarding your issue.

In terms of hating yourself for telling your dad how you feel. You don't have to hate yourself for mismanaging emotional abuse projected on you. Being gaslit for long periods of time is why this mentality errupts. And having that bad experience gives you valuable hints like, i should move e.c.t. I am in the process of moving and I can tell you by experience, that kind of abuse is not worth a single second for your happiness and personal growth, quality time e.c.t.

Take this analogy for your issue with the body. Just like frequent junk food manifests as cancer, emotional abuse does too, but in different layer or expression. Guilt tripping yourself is just feeding the cancer, hating yourself is also feeding the cancer. Shadow work, acceptance work, spiritual practice is what can help, BUT not in the very short term.

Listen, you are acctually capable, smart with your unique strengths and weaknesses, but given the time you can do whatever you want, it is true for just about every one, who hasn't got a pathology or something, and I am talking about really few people. And it is the truth. You will commit to something and you will see, it succeeds. Even regarding the emotional problems. This is solvable. First of all you could work with people like Emerald, but I also have some meditation techniques I know I can share that have relieved me from years of gaslighting. Only immature people gaslight others. The one who are incapable of looking in consistently and deeply. People who are capable of self-reflection, have their principles and can detatch, those people are very beautiful to hang out with.

Best of luck. Please be careful with blaming yourself because of the way you feel and that you feel it's impossible to control. Be very clear, it's a rotting blob vommitted on you that you CAN and visibly WANT to get rid off.

[Etherial Cat]

@soos_mite_ah

Don't hurt yourself. This mindset, the emotional pain and this life situation will pass eventually. Better days are coming.

You've got everything on your side. I know you can't see yourself that way but your self-image doesn't reflect properly on your overall energy and you seem to be incredibly resourceful and wise. Try to tap in your higher self. You can do it.

That said... I'm sorry to hear your parents are unable to hold the space for you express yourself authentically. It is sad that you don't manage to make your relationship with them work, but it is rather common to have this type of lag and drama induced by not understanding one another. 

Reading your description, they've asked for your trust, then deflected your confession and made it all about them, and kinda blamed you for wounding them. And it is terribly unsafe and painful to experience, coming from your caretakers. It must have opened a lot of wounds, because this pattern must not be unfamiliar to you. I'd say it is not far fetched to assume that you must not have felt seen a lot and many of your needs were unmet. And this must have been (and still be) a very lonely place.

I think you've outgrown them potentially in term of awareness. Both of my parents and my family members in general see the world through totally difference lenses as I do. Effectively, we are living in parallel realities and I can't count on their help because we simply do not understand each other. And to me, their lack of self-awareness results in displeasing patterns that I can't hold for a long time. My parents are out of boundaries. And it sounds just like what you're experiencing.

I'm hesitating to give you this information, but basically, the sooner you'll be out of a dynamic where they'll have control over your survival (house, bills, food) the better. Because a lot of your problems here are coming from the fact that you are kind of their prisoner. In another environment, you'd be doing far better.

Also, you know. Your parents are totally unaware but they really do love you. It's just that they love you at their level of awareness and it doesn't meet your needs from where you are at.

I'm sending your way a few videos that have helped me in the past, in hope you'll find them useful.

Courage! 

 

Edited July 5, 2021 by Etherial Cat

[Raphael]

Hey, how do you feel now?

This reminds me of a similar experience where I would have panic attacks thinking about my dad for everything that he did to me. He would then come to me and try to help me but I would refuse because he was precisely the one that I was afraid of, but he wouldn't understand that. He would tell me things like: "We've told you to not stress, but you are still stressing. Don't stress.". I then choose to let him do his thing to get rid of him fast. Many times even when he speaks normally, I still hear him speaking loudly and insulting in my head.

[RendHeaven]

46 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

I'm hesitating to give you this information, but basically, the sooner you'll be out of a dynamic where they'll have control over your survival (house, bills, food) the better. Because a lot of your problems here are coming from the fact that you are kind of their prisoner. In another environment, you'd be doing far better.

Also, you know. Your parents are totally unaware but they really do love you. It's just that they love you at their level of awareness and it doesn't meet your needs from where you are at.

Yes yes yes yes yes

 

@soos_mite_ah You're far stronger than you give yourself credit for.

[soos_mite_ah]

Throughout the argument and even today my parents keep trying to tell me that my situation could have been much worse. They kept telling me to be grateful for the support they are providing and how I have a roof over my head. I tried to tell my dad that even though I can trust him logistically with my doctors appointments, my medication, and materially providing for me, I have issues with trusting him with my emotions. I tried to explain that those are two different categories and even though I have trust in one, I don't have it in the other. He got really offended by that. He told me that he ought to through my out of the house and come back begging so that I learn a lesson and learn to be grateful for what he provides. And honestly, I think he's right. Imagine pouring all of your effort to ensure that your child is fine only for that child to grow up, be mentally unstable, and blame you for being emotionally unavailable and claim that they can't trust you. That would be immensely painful especially if you aren't trying to hurt that child and every effort you make to help them makes that situation worse. I understand that. I feel my parent's pain. But that makes me feel guilty about my own pain. I told them that and they said that I needed a taste of my own medicine because I  didn't understand how much my words hurt them. They said that what I was saying lacked emotional awareness towards what they were feeling. They're right. I have been selfishly expressing what's on my mind without any filters. I should've filtered myself out. I'm so sorry. 

They have done nothing but encourage me. They always tell me to "be strong" "think positive" and "keep fighting" I know they are trying to encourage me but part of me feels very unseen and hurt. It also makes me angry because I have told them before that those phrases don't help me. I don't want to be strong, I want to open up and be vulnerable. I don't want to think positive, I want my emotions and experiences be validated. I don't want to keep fighting, I want to know peace. I'm frustrated because I tell this every time I get into a discussion again. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know why my parents aren't understanding. I don't know how I need to say to help them understand. And honestly, I think they feel the same things when they try to help me and I tell them that they are not helping.  They responded with "well those things encourage us and makes us feel better, I guess you're really sensitive and you're a rare case where this doesn't work." I know they were reflecting on their experiences but I felt like there was something wrong with me for not feeling supported. 

My dad told me to keep fighting today again. I'm still incredibly sensitive because I haven't fully calmed down. I told him that I'm tired of fighting, that I don't want to continue on like this. I want to know the peace that the people around me have felt all their lives because they had good childhoods. When I told him that I wanted peace, my dad told me that peace and happiness doesn't exist and that everyone is miserable, it's just that people don't show it. I know that he was trying to say this because he doesn't want me to think that I'm alone in my suffering, but it made me more depressed. I told him that I've been fighting for years and that I'm tired. I told him that I fight to get better so that I can get that peace and happiness. He then told me that doesn't exist and that I need to just brush off the past, act like the argument yesterday never happened, and move on. Because the more you try to fix these issues and you try to heal, the more it will suck you in. If you feel your feelings, you will fall into a pit. 

And part of me thinks that's right. It isn't healthy to ruminate. But the part where I get confused is, to what extent is me getting help rumination? To be fair, healing and self help feels like a never ending goal. I put a lot of things to the side in the name of healing and my mental health. I have made my growth my top priority and put school, friends, and a potential romantic life to the side in order to build a solid foundation. My peers didn't do that. They took whatever foundation they had, ignored it/brushed it off, and kept building. And now the people around me are getting good jobs, have amazing relationship, and are getting into good school. Meanwhile I'm stuck here. I wonder when it's going to be my turn to be happy, achieve things, and have actual milestones in my life or if I'm ever going to get to that point. I don't know where my life is headed or if it's even going anywhere. I wonder if I have anything to look forward to. And sometimes I wonder if it's worth waiting around to find out. I'm so scared. I'm so scared for the uncertainty. Sometimes I wonder if this is all that my life is, a constant cycle of getting traumatized, healing, and then getting dragged into something else. I don't want to live like this. But I'm told that this is the only way to live life and that my desire to be vulnerable and have somewhere soft to land is too idealistic. This can't be all there is. And I feel selfish for wanting it to be otherwise. Why can't I accept this harsh truth about reality? Why am I this weak? 

I don't know what to believe any more. My emotions feel like lies. But at the same time what my parent's are saying doesn't make the most sense either. But then again they do have some points. But then again, there is a lot of gaslighting. But what if I'm just thinking that this is gaslighting because I'm offended by what they are saying because they are actually calling me out on my toxic behavior? They are my parents and they are trying to discipline me. I haven't been communicating in a calm way. I was shaking and crying for gods sake. I'm pretty sure that' s misbehavior in their eyes. After all, I wouldn't want someone to yell at me, cry, and blame me for their bad life. I'm starting to think I'm the toxic one for not having composure. I shouldn't expect people to help me, my emotions are my own business.  But maybe this thinking pattern is the gaslighting in progress. I really don't know anymore. I don't know what's real and what's fake. I don't know if I'm doing this for attention. I don't know whether or not I'm the toxic one. After all I do have self bias right? My self bias wants to think that I'm the good guy. Or is this my higher self. I don't know. Nothing makes sense. I don't know. 

 

I know my last couple posts have been a lot but I thought I'd write all of this out while I remember everything and then reflect on it later. My mind feels like a jumbled mess right now and I can't tell right from wrong or real from fake. I can't tell if I'm being manipulated or if I'm the manipulator. I don't know what's happening anymore.  

I know some people have replied and trust me I'm getting to that. I have read them and I have somethings I want to say a little later. I'm not ignoring everyone, I just need a moment. 

Edited July 5, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

On 7/5/2021 at 0:34 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I have been feeling really depressed and been having suicidal thoughts for the last week or so. I was going to get some food and my dad asked me what was wrong. I told him that I've been feeling pretty down and then he began to interrogate me about it even though I told him I don't feel comfortable talking. He kept asking me what is wrong and you need to talk about it with me in order to feel better. I betrayed my own instincts and told him what was going on because he wouldn't stop. I hate myself for that. Then the yelling began. 

First of all, he is crossing a boundary and that isn’t ok. Second, when have you ever felt better by emotionally opening up to your parents? Third, you were cornered and didn’t know what else to do.

On 7/5/2021 at 0:34 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

He then went on to say "don't you know how it makes me feel to see you like this? why would you do this to me? Why can't you be positive like I've been telling you." I get telling someone something along the lines of "hey it hurts me to see you like this" and I know that's probably what he meant, but maybe I'm too sensitive and I'm taking it the worst way possible. I don't know anymore. Then he starts talking about an experience he had in my age because it parallels what I'm going through. I know he is doing this to find common ground but I felt worse after it. I'm nitpicking but it felt like there was no empathy there. I felt compelled to comfort him instead but I didn't because I felt awful in the moment. I feel so selfish for not helping him. I feel selfish for wanting this conversation to be about me and the emotions I'm dealing with. 

On 7/5/2021 at 5:27 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

And honestly, I think he's right. Imagine pouring all of your effort to ensure that your child is fine only for that child to grow up, be mentally unstable, and blame you for being emotionally unavailable and claim that they can't trust you. That would be immensely painful especially if you aren't trying to hurt that child and every effort you make to help them makes that situation worse. I understand that. I feel my parent's pain. But that makes me feel guilty about my own pain. I told them that and they said that I needed a taste of my own medicine because I  didn't understand how much my words hurt them. They said that what I was saying lacked emotional awareness towards what they were feeling. They're right. I have been selfishly expressing what's on my mind without any filters. I should've filtered myself out. I'm so sorry. 

This is not a healthy dynamic. When someone comes to you for help, you don’t just reorient the conversation back to yourself. That then puts the person who came for you for help in the position to help you instead of getting help themselves. And the person who needs that help never gets any support and is left feeling drained. They have every right to feel the way they do but it isn't right for them to express this right at this circumstance. 

On 7/5/2021 at 0:34 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

That's all she knows how to say to those things. I feel so angry when she says that because it feels so empty but I don't even feel like I have the right to feel angry because I know she's doing the best that she can do.

 

On 7/5/2021 at 5:27 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

They have done nothing but encourage me. They always tell me to "be strong" "think positive" and "keep fighting" I know they are trying to encourage me but part of me feels very unseen and hurt. It also makes me angry because I have told them before that those phrases don't help me. I don't want to be strong, I want to open up and be vulnerable. I don't want to think positive, I want my emotions and experiences be validated. I don't want to keep fighting, I want to know peace. I'm frustrated because I tell this every time I get into a discussion again. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know why my parents aren't understanding. I don't know how I need to say to help them understand. And honestly, I think they feel the same things when they try to help me and I tell them that they are not helping.  They responded with "well those things encourage us and makes us feel better, I guess you're really sensitive and you're a rare case where this doesn't work." I know they were reflecting on their experiences but I felt like there was something wrong with me for not feeling supported. 

You have the right to feel angry. Anger is supposed to tell you when your boundaries are getting crossed and when you aren’t getting your needs met. You have told her many times that this doesn’t make you feel good but she keeps on doing it. It’s frustrating and it makes you feel unheard. You can be angry and understand that she is doing her best and that her effort has nothing to do with you.

On 7/5/2021 at 0:34 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Then she and my dad goes on to say that my biggest flaw is that I don't open up to them and that I tried to cut contact when I went off to college. I know it hurts them to know that I have trouble opening up to them and that I don't call them as often as my friends call their parents. They started talking about "well xyz calls their parents every day why can't you call us ever day like a normal person? It's not like we're a toxic and broken family." Then they went on to say that what ever negative feelings I'm feeling has nothing to do with them at the present moment.

On 7/5/2021 at 0:34 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I told them this "i can't do this myself, I want help. But I'm so scared of opening up to you guys. I don't feel like I get the support I need." Then they said "well we are supporting you, we are there for you. You just keep bringing up the past so you can't let us in. We are helping you but you don't want to take that help." To be fair they are helping me and honestly, I feel so guilty and so defective for not receiving this help as help. I feel more wounded and hurt after their help. They are helping me but my stupid ass is too sensitive and looks into things too much and twists their words. Why can't I go along with what I know they mean? I'm smart enough to psychoanalyze what they are trying to say and act accordingly. Why do I have to go along with what they say?

I noticed that the more distance I get from them and the more help I do end up getting, the less I want to be around them because I start to notice just how bad they are for my quality of life. That is what I have noticed with healing. I think when it comes to my parents, they have a very different view of healing were they see healing as me being best friends with them, calling them everyday, and having a happy normal family. And they see me as wanting to be more distant as  a bad thing. And I think that’s natural because what parent wants to think of themselves as the toxic ones and what parent wants to have their kid to stay away from them?

The possibility of whether or not I should cut them off entirely is still something that I struggle with. When I went off to college and got some distance from them, I came to this conclusion that I can still be around them because they aren’t bad people, they just suck as parents. But I’m starting to think that maybe they do suck as people. And I don’t like to admit that. I do feel a lot of guilt around admitting this.

I don’t know if they suck as people or if I have too many needs that they are just unable to meet. Sometimes I do feel like my needs are too much or too unusual because their way of comforting me doesn’t feel good.

On 7/5/2021 at 0:34 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

But I still felt hurt in this interaction. They accused me for bringing up the past when they were harsh towards me growing up. They were like "why can't you just move on and look forward we already said sorry. We're not hurting you now. It's in your head." I felt like I was getting yelled at but to be fair they were probably saying this in a normal voice but I was in a heightened emotional state.

Oh no they were definitely yelling at you at this point. This is straight up gaslighting.

On 7/5/2021 at 0:34 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I was balling at this point. I told them "i'm sorry I'm having issues with trusting. I'm sorry it's taking me so long to heal. I'm doing the best I can. I'm in therapy, I'm taking my medication, I'm taking care of my health, etc." Then they said that's not enough. You're not doing enough. You need to heal faster if you ever want to get out of this. You need to stop whatever you're doing and open up to us because you can't deal with this alone nor with a therapist.

No wonder you never feel like you’re doing enough to feel better and no wonder I have issues with celebrating myself and my wins because anything short of being 100% healed and happy isn’t enough. I do genuinely feel that my therapist is helping. Again, it goes back to the whole on what they think healing looks like versus what it actually looks like.

On 7/5/2021 at 5:27 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Throughout the argument and even today my parents keep trying to tell me that my situation could have been much worse. They kept telling me to be grateful for the support they are providing and how I have a roof over my head. I tried to tell my dad that even though I can trust him logistically with my doctors appointments, my medication, and materially providing for me, I have issues with trusting him with my emotions. I tried to explain that those are two different categories and even though I have trust in one, I don't have it in the other

Just because you’re being provided for physically doesn’t mean you aren’t being neglected emotionally. And you’re right, those are different categories.

On 7/5/2021 at 5:27 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

When I told him that I wanted peace, my dad told me that peace and happiness doesn't exist and that everyone is miserable, it's just that people don't show it. I know that he was trying to say this because he doesn't want me to think that I'm alone in my suffering, but it made me more depressed. I told him that I've been fighting for years and that I'm tired. I told him that I fight to get better so that I can get that peace and happiness. He then told me that doesn't exist and that I need to just brush off the past, act like the argument yesterday never happened, and move on. Because the more you try to fix these issues and you try to heal, the more it will suck you in. If you feel your feelings, you will fall into a pit. 

This man has normalized feeling miserable and normalized brushing all of his emotions under a rug because he is too afraid to actually work through him. Don’t take advice and follow examples from people who you don’t want to end up like.

On 7/5/2021 at 5:27 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

And part of me thinks that's right. It isn't healthy to ruminate. But the part where I get confused is, to what extent is me getting help rumination? To be fair, healing and self help feels like a never ending goal. I put a lot of things to the side in the name of healing and my mental health. I have made my growth my top priority and put school, friends, and a potential romantic life to the side in order to build a solid foundation. My peers didn't do that. They took whatever foundation they had, ignored it/brushed it off, and kept building. And now the people around me are getting good jobs, have amazing relationship, and are getting into good school.

You don’t know their situation and you don’t know what’s best for them. You’re doing what’s best for you. And maybe what’s best for you is taking more time to rebuild a more solid foundation. And yeah it isn't healthy to ruminate, but that's not what you're doing in your case. You're literally getting proe

On 7/5/2021 at 5:27 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I don't know what to believe any more. My emotions feel like lies. But at the same time what my parent's are saying doesn't make the most sense either. But then again they do have some points. But then again, there is a lot of gaslighting. But what if I'm just thinking that this is gaslighting because I'm offended by what they are saying because they are actually calling me out on my toxic behavior? They are my parents and they are trying to discipline me. I haven't been communicating in a calm way. I was shaking and crying for gods sake. I'm pretty sure that' s misbehavior in their eyes. After all, I wouldn't want someone to yell at me, cry, and blame me for their bad life. I'm starting to think I'm the toxic one for not having composure. I shouldn't expect people to help me, my emotions are my own business.  But maybe this thinking pattern is the gaslighting in progress. I really don't know anymore. I don't know what's real and what's fake. I don't know if I'm doing this for attention. I don't know whether or not I'm the toxic one. After all I do have self bias right? My self bias wants to think that I'm the good guy. Or is this my higher self. I don't know. Nothing makes sense. I don't know. 

I know my last couple posts have been a lot but I thought I'd write all of this out while I remember everything and then reflect on it later. My mind feels like a jumbled mess right now and I can't tell right from wrong or real from fake. I can't tell if I'm being manipulated or if I'm the manipulator. I don't know what's happening anymore.  

This is what happens when you get gaslighted and emotionally invalidated for hours at once and overtime. You start to feel crazy and you don’t know what to believe any more because of how much your personal truth and what people are trying to feel you contradict. It’s disorienting because on one hand you are not grounded in your personal truth and you are told that you are crazy and that you should go along with what people are telling you but on the other hand your intuition and emotions are screaming at you telling you otherwise.

[soos_mite_ah]

On 7/5/2021 at 1:03 PM, Applegarden8 said:

In terms of hating yourself for telling your dad how you feel. You don't have to hate yourself for mismanaging emotional abuse projected on you. Being gaslit for long periods of time is why this mentality errupts. And having that bad experience gives you valuable hints like, i should move e.c.t. I am in the process of moving and I can tell you by experience, that kind of abuse is not worth a single second for your happiness and personal growth, quality time e.c.t.

Take this analogy for your issue with the body. Just like frequent junk food manifests as cancer, emotional abuse does too, but in different layer or expression. Guilt tripping yourself is just feeding the cancer, hating yourself is also feeding the cancer. Shadow work, acceptance work, spiritual practice is what can help, BUT not in the very short term.

I really appreciate you comment. It's really reassuring. After taking a couple days to step back, I am realizing just how disorienting gaslighting and emotional invalidation can be in large amounts either all at once or over time. I also really resonate with the junk food example. I found that being around my parents for short periods of time is fine but over time it really erodes my mental health. 

On 7/5/2021 at 1:25 PM, Etherial Cat said:

Reading your description, they've asked for your trust, then deflected your confession and made it all about them, and kinda blamed you for wounding them. And it is terribly unsafe and painful to experience, coming from your caretakers. It must have opened a lot of wounds, because this pattern must not be unfamiliar to you. I'd say it is not far fetched to assume that you must not have felt seen a lot and many of your needs were unmet. And this must have been (and still be) a very lonely place.

Yeah it is a really difficult dynamic. It's like you're the one that needs help but then the conversation reorients around them and you find myself helping them instead and as a result, you never get your needs met and you're always in the position of giving but never getting. It is a recurring pattern and I think this is why sometimes I end up being the "therapist friend" and why it's so easy to help other people with their issues but never giving them the opportunity to help me. It's definitely something I'm working through. 

On 7/5/2021 at 1:25 PM, Etherial Cat said:

I think you've outgrown them potentially in term of awareness. Both of my parents and my family members in general see the world through totally difference lenses as I do. Effectively, we are living in parallel realities and I can't count on their help because we simply do not understand each other. And to me, their lack of self-awareness results in displeasing patterns that I can't hold for a long time. My parents are out of boundaries. And it sounds just like what you're experiencing.

Yes this is what I'm experiencing. I know that they aren't the best people to count on emotionally, but there is this part of me (I guess my inner child) that always wants to reach out and make it work and that gives in and starts opening up when I get cornered. I guess it's just the natural notion that your parents are supposed to help you and guide you? 

On 7/5/2021 at 1:53 PM, Raphael said:

Hey, how do you feel now?

This reminds me of a similar experience where I would have panic attacks thinking about my dad for everything that he did to me. He would then come to me and try to help me but I would refuse because he was precisely the one that I was afraid of, but he wouldn't understand that. He would tell me things like: "We've told you to not stress, but you are still stressing. Don't stress.". I then choose to let him do his thing to get rid of him fast

I know it's been a couple days but I'm starting to feel better now. Thanks for checking in. It was a disorienting experience. But yeah that whole "don't stress" bit resonates. Like, emotions aren't an on an off switch. If it were that easy, we wouldn't be having this conversation now. 

[Etherial Cat]

34 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Yeah it is a really difficult dynamic. It's like you're the one that needs help but then the conversation reorients around them and you find myself helping them instead and as a result, you never get your needs met and you're always in the position of giving but never getting. It is a recurring pattern and I think this is why sometimes I end up being the "therapist friend" and why it's so easy to help other people with their issues but never giving them the opportunity to help me. It's definitely something I'm working through. 

Yes. I think you might have a lot of wounding about wishing that your parents would actually have been able to perceive your needs instead of letting you taking care of yourself all alone.

What they do is turning you into a parent to your parent through this dynamic.

I would look deeply for what is your relationship with your needs. Being aware of your needs, stating your needs, chasing your needs. You could have a history of giving instead of getting because of that. Because basically, when you try to get your needs met, you've been getting a shitstorm thrown at you since forever.

40 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Yes this is what I'm experiencing. I know that they aren't the best people to count on emotionally, but there is this part of me (I guess my inner child) that always wants to reach out and make it work and that gives in and starts opening up when I get cornered. I guess it's just the natural notion that your parents are supposed to help you and guide you?

It would be possible that you are trying to heal this pattern of wounding by holding the hope to making it work, I think. So yes.

It must have been a lot of pain and traumas growing up in this situation. And you might as well still really need some help because of feeling tired and needing resource to cope with the current challenges.

[Raphael]

You probably have a lot of repressed anger in you. Have you ever try to scream in a pillow or to go to an isolated place to let your anger out?

Edited July 8, 2021 by Raphael

[Raptorsin7]

@Raphael How does screaming into a pillow get the anger out?

[soos_mite_ah]

@Raphael I most definitely have repressed anger. I have tried screaming into a pillow and while that helps some, I found that talking to my friend who loves to rant about things to be more effective and more entertaining lol. 
For me, anger is not something that I'm used to feeling. I've been looking into the utility of anger in the last year or so and just notice when I'm angry because in the past I was so repressed to the point where I couldn't even tell when I was angry.

[soos_mite_ah]

Cringing at My Transparency 

Whenever I share something vulnerable or personal, it's often the case that the next day I find myself cringing and feeling embarrassed for saying anything. This is especially true when it comes to the internet.  I know I'm not the only one. I have seen memes in the past (can't find them now) that were along the lines of "when you go on a rant on social media and expose your feelings and now that you're feeling better you're trying to delete and clean up the mess you made."  After sharing something person (outside of a therapists office), I catch myself thinking *why did I have to expose myself like that? No one needs to know about my life like that.* I'm tempted to delete my meltdown from the last few days but idk if I'm going to do that or not. 

Another thing that is tangentially related is the whole "what's on the internet stays on the internet" concept. I've shared some pretty personal things on here and I always have this paranoia of someone I know stumbling on this or this coming up in a background check when I apply to jobs. I have a separate email address and everything but still. This is one of the reasons why I want to be self employed tbh. I don't want to feel like I have to be super careful on what I post and what kind of image I give off. I want to be able to authentically express myself without having things at stake. Pipe dream, I know. 

And that brings me to another tangent that I've been thinking of and it's basically what I call the LinkedIn effect. This probably has more to do with what kind of people I'm surrounded by but because of what I'm studying, I find myself in a crowd of people who use LinkedIn like an actual social media site and try to have a super curated online presence to show their peers and potential employers how they have their lives together. The whole thing just feels weird to me. I know they are a bit on the extreme end but still. I get having a certain degree of professionalism where you aren't racist, sexist, homophobic etc. on your social media. But sometimes it feels a bit stifling where you're expected to have a certain image 24/7. Which brings me to this journal which probably consists of everything you probably don't want with your image ranging from having an existential crisis, being vulnerable with your emotions in a public platform, sharing personal details and stories, talking shit about capitalism, and basically exposing how much of a mess you are.  

Idk, I'm scared of these posts coming back to haunt me either through future repercussions or me just cringing at myself 5+ years from now. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Parallel Perceptual Realities Part 1: Quick to Move On 

So things are for the most part "back to normal" (whatever tf that means) where I'm at in regards to the pandemic. A large section of the population in my area is vaccinated and cases have decreased by quite a bit. 

I made the awful decision of redownloading my instagram last week and mentally I feel terrible. I deleted it at around February I believe so its been  a few months.  When I went through my feed, it's as if the pandemic was never a thing. Idk, I kept getting the impression that everyone is hanging out, partying, and travelling like normal. And I know damn well that most people weren't vaccinated in March. 

There is also an element of class that comes in as well. A lot of these posts that I'm talking about were coming from people who are at least upper middle class (I'm talking about partying, travelling and going to large gatherings in March, not now). I have a friend who went to a graduation party in a somewhat wealthy area a month ago where she and her family the only ones wearing masks. She mentioned how quick some people were to move on, how there is a class of people who didn't get much of the effects of the pandemic. To some people, the pandemic was simply a minor inconvenience and now it's business as usual.  

This is where the parallel perceptual reality comes in. Like I feel like I had a very different experience with the pandemic because of how I've been trapped inside with my not-so-healthy parents, and how we had to deal with a lot of financial issues ranging from healthcare costs to not having an income for months. And then there is my mom. I love her and her anxieties around this whole situation is valid, but she took out those anxieties on my and my dad in an unhealthy way. She went above and beyond with the precautions. The general rule was that when I come home, I have to do the laundry, wipe down everything, and take a shower before I do anything else. Every time I would try to eat something outside of the house, I would be called a Trump supporter, be accused of not taking the pandemic seriously, and basically get yelled at. I know my mom was doing a bit much. Most people just do the usual wearing a mask and washing their hands but still doing everything else like normal. But that's what was normalized in my household and I didn't exactly have a frame of reference by seeing what other people were doing in their homes because I'm so isolated from everyone. I know this might sound bad but I think this made the pandemic out to be much worse than it actually was  and as a result I was psychologically impacted by this more. 

But yeah, it feels jarring to see everyone carry on with their lives as normal again. For me, it was like my world stopped and I was frozen in a state of trauma. I think the part from 2:40 to 3:36 where Teal talks about grief explains this well.

Quote

The majority of people on the planet learn about these parallel perceptual realities when they go through extreme grief. Let's say there is a death of a loved one. What you notice that when something like that happens for you is that time stops. It's like the impact happens and life can no longer be the same. You can't feel good no matter how much you try. You're missing this person in every moment. The things that held joy for you don't hold joy for you anymore. And meanwhile in the rest of the world, people are moving on with their lives. You feel like life has ended and they come over like "Hey, let's go get a drink, come on!" You start to feel this vast difference between your perceptual reality and theirs. For many of us this is our first encounter with a parallel perceptual reality and it is torment. 

Thankfully there is wreck-tok, basically what I call my tiktok for you page lol. There is this one tiktok that I saw that explained my situation perfectly where it's like you want to rush out there and live life normally, but it doesn't feel the same because you basically spent this entire pandemic questioning your reality, capitalism, your internal issues and a variety of social issues that are present. I'm going to link that tiktok but just incase that doesn't show up this is basically what the woman who was talking said: 

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdXfj1Lu/ 

First, her video is a response to a comment that was along the lines of "Can't believe pple are really doing the same things they've always done after what 2021 revealed to us." 

To that she said: 

Quote

These are the people who did not even let the pandemic hit them. It really terrifies me that people went through this whole entire situation and did no level of self reflection and were immediately were just like "I'M JuST goINg tO ruN bACk inTo thE OUTsidE woRLD aND avoID eVeryTHIng." If you have not realized by now that anything beside nature and the outside world was a whole bunch of bullshit and a whole bunch of nothing, then I sincerely worry about you. I get it, even I wanted to just say "fUCk iT juSt gO ouT aNd haVe a GooD tIMe." Then I went out to have the good time and I realized and I was like *oh... I can't go back to this life anymore*

There are people in this world and the reality is that they have *weird energy.* And by weird energy I mean that there is nothing going on in here, there is no level of self reflection. They just want to go back to deflecting, ignoring, and just checking out. And I can't do that anymore. 

I think that whole lack of self reflection as it relates to society is not something that is present in wealthier communities since it takes a lot to shake communities like that. Really wealthy communities especially live in a bubble of their own completely detached from the experiences of middle class and lower middle class people. I remember one time in college I had someone look at me in disbelief when I told them that I couldn't afford college and the only reason why I'm here is because of financial aid and scholarships. That simply didn't make sense to this individual because everyone around her could afford college and never had to think of finances and affordability a day in their lives. And I'm pretty sure that something similar is also going to go down once I go back to school to a bunch of wealthy students who barely felt of acknowledged the pandemic. 

It also reminds me of how I learned in one of my sociology classes on how people don't remember history, but they only remember how history relates to history to them. Meaning they don't remember how things panned out but they remember only the details that pertain to them and their survival. A good example of this was in a study where they interviewed a bunch of elderly people who were in their teens and early twenties back in the 1950s. When asked about the 1950s, typically the white people would talk about things like Elvis and the pop culture at the time while the historical events of the time were basically a side note that was happening in the background. But if you talked to people of color about the same time period, they would talk about segregation and everything that went down. The focus was very different And I can't help but think that like 60 years into the future when people ask rich white people about 2020, they are probably going to talk about more about cute tiktok dances and talking about mask acne on the side while people who are part of marginalized communities, whether it be they are people of color, working class, LGBTQ etc, will talk more about the evictions, the lockdowns, people going without paychecks, the stimulus checks, and how our politicians tried to sacrifice citizens to the capitalist lizard overlords in the name of profit by keeping the country open for the economy instead of shutting things down for everyone's safety.

Yeah... if  you didn't question capitalism or at the very least system racism and how you play a part in it given the current events... I don't trust you. We are not living in the same reality. 

Also that tiktok reminded me of another tiktok that I saw months back about a woman who realized on how she hates her job, feels like she is a cog in the capitalist machine, how she doesn't have a meaningful life or career, and how her entire lifestyle around partying, drinking, and online shopping was a coping mechanism for her stressful and soul sucking job. Basically, she realized that she was coping with the existential dread that capitalism brings with more capitalism in the form of consumerism and the only reason why she realized this was because the world went into lock down and she had no choice but to be alone with her thoughts. And to a certain extent... I feel that. 

Edited July 8, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[RendHeaven]

2 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Cringing at My Transparency 

Mhm, when I read the first few pages of my own journal I die inside as well.

What gives me hope is that I've had 2 people now DM me telling me that reading my journal has tremendously helped them through their own breakups. One guy even said he cried tears of feeling understood which is just incredible. Imagine if I had just taken down all of my posts out of petty self-protection... I'm glad now that I didn't!

It's wild how little control we have over our long-term reach/impact, but that's a positive thing in my mind.