The Joy Journal

[Raphael]

How about being a journalist and working for a high quality journal? You could write about social issues and help raise awareness. Also if your writing is really good, you'll be seen as valuable and will get a good pay.

Definitely avoid a regular corporate job btw. I've been there and it's really depressing.

[soos_mite_ah]

@Raphael Thanks for the suggestion, I'll keep that in mind 

[soos_mite_ah]

Thoughts on Blogging 

I'm trying to make a website on Wix after having their ads be pushed down my throat by all of the YouTubers who are sponsored by them lol. And I can say that so far, it hasn't been fun. I know Wix is marketed as a easy way of making your own website but I'm tech stupid so even this is a struggle for me. I'm pretty sure I can figure it out but still. Part of me wants to give this off to a person who knows what they are doing as far as web design goes but like.... I don't really have the funds at the moment. I have no idea what I'm doing. I have never built a website before. None of my links work. And I have no idea how to make posts on there. I hate it here. Basically I'm left feeling like this. 

I don't feel like making posts for this blog is going to be super difficult. It's basically going to be this journal in website form tbh since most of my entries on here are pseudo-blogposts because of how long they are. 

I know that I mentioned that writing is the medium in which I express my life purpose. I feel that this blog is part of that purpose. Even if it doesn't become my main source of income or if it doesn't blossom into a full on career, I really don't care. I'm doing this for fun. I personally think of life purpose as something that is multifaceted. Yes, career is a huge part of it but so is your hobbies, how you spend your free time, your life style,  the people you have around you etc. I see blogging and keeping up with my journals here as part of my purpose but not necessarily the whole thing. It would be nice if I got paid for this.

Honestly, getting paid to write about things that I'm interested in and write about the things I'm working on in my life is like getting paid to breathe because a lot of it comes so naturally to me. By naturally I don't mean that I have some inherent skill for writing rather instead I mean that writing is very intrinsically motivated for me and requires very little energy because of how aligned it is with my authenticity. I think I only remember a couple days here and there out of this entire year where I felt tired after writing but that was mainly my fault. I wrote 5 full length posts and it was 2 am in the morning and I felt as if I had to get somethings off my chest because it wouldn't come out the same way if I stopped, went to sleep, and woke up the next day. Other than that, I normally feel rested after writing a post, as if I can finally stop thinking about a subject once I create a product that is related to what I'm thinking, that product being a post. Writing these long drawn out posts doesn't feel like work, it feels like a release, my authentic expression. I don't feel like I have to force anything or plow through any resistance because I don't feel like I'm doing anything. I just feel like I'm being. Writing in this journal is something that I would want to do and that I can do consistently even if I didn't get much from it. I was able to do this consistently without anyone getting onto me about it. I didn't get anything from it other than growing as a person, a few people commenting, and a few people telling me how much they like my journal (which honestly means the world to me thank you). I didn't get anything financially from it and the people in my life definitely have no idea that I'm doing this so I didn't get clout from this either.

I am a pretty intrinsically motivated person but this journal has been next level for me. Again, posting just feels like being to me and because of that, any extrinsic reward I would get from this would be like getting paid to breathe and exist. You don't expect anything from breathing and existing but if you do get anything, it feels exponentially better than if you got an external reward for doing something you didn't really want to do. That's what I'm trying to get at. 

There is a part of me that is also nervous about all of this. The thing with this journal is that I have a level of anonymity. I'm nervous about putting something with my name out there, especially something that is half baked. This isn't so much about perfectionistic tendencies rather this is about real life repercussions. A nightmare scenario isn't that my blog gets no views. A nightmare scenario is my blog getting discovered somehow by my future employer, them not liking what I wrote, them proceeding to fire me, and then me not knowing how tf I'm going to support myself. Also, getting cancelled is a fear for similar reasons. It isn't so much that I'm worrying about triggering people but it's more of I'm afraid that if people see controversy in me that it would jeopardize my future plans. 

I faced this same sense of nervousness when I started writing about more personal topics on this journal as well. While it may seem as if I'm fully embracing my exhibitionistic tendencies, there is a fear of being found out by authorities (meaning teachers, future employers, recruiters doing background checks) and people irl. Not only is there the fear of awkwardness but there is this the fear is them looking at me and going like *well she's a complete unprofessional mess who airs her dirty laundry and personal life to hundreds of people on the internet.* I was able to push through that fear because of the anonymity on here but still, there is a thought in the back of my head that is along the lines of this: 

*One day I need to delete everything I posted on this website and act like this phase of my life never happened because I'm pretty sure these people can track everything if they do a background check on me. I swear to god that if they do a background check on me and somehow they find this journal, I'm fucked.* 

Because of this fear and nervousness, I am tempted to put this project off until I'm a more conscious, emotionally healthy, actualized person so that I can have a clean image to my work when I put my name on it. And while waiting until you're in a more stable place in your life in order to do certain things can be healthy and necessary, I don't think that is the case here. Because actualization and being more conscious is an endless and often emotionally laborious and messy journey. If anything, that messiness and finding a way to navigate through it is what makes my writing... well... my writing. So waiting til I maxed out on my development is basically waiting forever and never starting. And I don't think that this would be the most fulfilling choice. 

Edited June 19, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[LastThursday]

18 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

It would be nice if I got paid for this.

Fun is primary, pay is secondary. Just sayin'.

[soos_mite_ah]

What is Authenticity 

I thought about writing this for a couple months now but I kept putting this off because I wanted my thoughts on the subject to marinate a little more. I also think this would be really beneficial to reflect on because authenticity is my top value. 

This is something that I have thought about back when I was 17 or so but I feel like the way that I define authenticity has evolved since then. It hasn't changed, but it has more parts now. 

The way that I thought was the best way to tap into my own sense of authenticity back then had a lot to do with being in touch with my inner child and my inner sense of joy. To me, being in touch with that part of myself was crucial because it basically asked the questions "Who are you when you take all of the social conditioning away? Who are you when you are honest with yourself and cut to the core? Who are you when you let go of what other people want you to be or think you should be?" I was always intrigued by the amount of honesty kids display and how they don't give a flying fuck on whose there. It can fuel a lot of funny stories. I don't have many funny kid stories but I do remember a couple things that I did when I was little.

One time my parents got some fish from the fish market and they didn't fully clean the fish because once we brought the fish home, we found a ton of caviar. My mom made caviar that night. I was around 9 at the time and I tasted some of the caviar and I asked my parents what this was because it tasted weird. My dad explained it to me and told me that caviar costs a ton of money and that it is a delicacy that rich people indulge in. And I remember saying something along the lines of "why would you spend so much money on something that tastes so bad?" That annoyed my parents a little because they were here feeling all fancy  but the whole status aspect didn't register in my head because that was not the conditioning that I got before. 

Another time when I was either 3, I remember it being my birthday. I was a happy kid. I had cake, the sun was shining, and as a happy kid who was hyperactive because of the cake, I wanted to go play outside. My uncle was like "no you can't play outside until the sun goes down a little bit." I asked why and he replied with "because then you'll get dark." (Little back story, I was a VERY pale, light skin Indian kid when I was born to where I basically looked biracial and my relatives used to be really protective over that skin tone because of colorism and Eurocentric beauty standards).  I asked why again and my uncle was like "because when you get dark, you won't look as good." I remember thinking how dumb that sounded because none of that made sense to me. It didn't make sense why being beautiful was so important and why dark skin wasn't seen as beautiful. Colorism and Eurocentric beauty standards didn't register because I was a literal toddler without that social programing. All I wanted was to have fun and run around outside. So then I just ran out the front door and made my uncle chase me around the neighborhood until he gave up and let me play outside. 

Now on to the way I decided to extend my definition of authenticity. 

I do still stand by the inner child version of authenticity but lately I've been thinking on expanding it because I have gotten more life experiences that contradict this. Exploring my sexuality more caused this shift in perspective. For the last 7 years I have identified as asexual because I simply didn't feel attraction towards anyone. I had nothing against sex, it just wasn't my thing. But there was a tiny part of me that felt a little superior, like it was easier for me to be in touch with authentic love and relationships because I didn't have to navigate the shit storm that can be hormones and lust. Going back to the inner child version of authenticity, I felt like I was more in touch with an inner child version of love and that made any romantic feelings I had for someone more authentic than simply being attracted to them on a physical level. I felt like I could make more authentic decisions because I didn't have sex clouding my judgement. 

But lately as I've been exploring my sexuality more because some things have happened and I'm doubting my asexuality (it's a long story). And what I'm feeling feels very authentic. Then I started thinking that maybe authenticity isn't just some absolute thing that you return to like you return to your inner child but something that is continuously evolves with you. There is relativity in authenticity. What felt authentic to me a few years ago, doesn't resonate with me in the same way now because my needs have changed, my outlook on life has changed, I have been exposed to different life experiences, and I'm in a different stage of life. And the fact that I have changed and strayed from who I used to be doesn't make me fake now nor does it mean that I have lost my way. 

Because what is authentic to you changes depending on where you are at in your life, being authentic is a continuous effort. It isn't a one and done deal where you make a couple decisions and live happily ever after. Being authentic can require a lot of work, specifically emotional labor. It means you're in touch with your emotions, you unlearn and relearn parts of yourself, you work on your sense of awareness, you are in touch with your intuition. You have to work through various traumas you may have or face fears that were instilled into you. Those are a few things I believe that is necessary to lead a more authentic life but I'm sure there is more. Your level of authenticity is dependent on the quality and stage of consciousness you're in at the present moment. 

This is how I think that this relative definition of authenticity fits in with the more absolute definition of authenticity in the inner child version of authenticity. I think that relative authenticity can be really helpful for the here and now but I think the absolute version of authenticity is a good sanity check. For instance, with my dating life I can honor my sexual needs and wants but I can also use the sanity check to make sure that I'm not doing anything like making myself be someone I'm not in order to get those needs met and so that my sexual needs/wants don't overshadow any of the other things I'm looking for in a relationship. It's kind of difficult to explain at the moment. I think I need to have more things happen in my life and apply this form of thought so that I can articulate what I'm trying to say. 

[soos_mite_ah]

This explains my views and my current circumstance perfectly. 

[soos_mite_ah]

As far as the blog goes, I think I'm finally getting somewhere. It still looks like trash and I kinda hate it but it is what it is. 

The fact that my tech stupid self was able to get this far is to be applauded. And every time I think about how tech stupid I am, I keep thinking about how my parents and relatives assume that I can deal with technology just because I'm young. Like sure, compared to some boomers I'm more technologically capable but if someone shows me the blue screen of death, I'm not going to know what to do. They overestimate my capabilities when in reality I'm probably on the lower end of what people my age can do lol. Things like creating websites, shooting and editing videos, having an aesthetic Instagram feed that doesn't look like trash are all things that I suck at.  

The only thing I can think of while trying to put this website together is how much I hate it here. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Off Days and Punishing Small Mistakes 

So for the last couple days I've been having an "off day." I haven't really been myself. My sleep schedule is a little weird. I had a couple negative emotions come up unprompted out of nowhere. I showed up to work with the wrong shoes on and I had to clock out, go home, change, and clock back in again (wearing open toed shoes is kind of a safety hazard where I work so it makes sense). And this morning I forgot a zoom meeting that I set up with someone because I got my time zones mixed up.  

These are all minor mistakes that are easily fixable. But when I made these mistakes, I had a large wave of negative thinking wash over me. The self talk that I was having were along these lines: 

• You're so stupid.
• You're such a piece of shit. 
• What the hell is wrong with you?
• Why can't you pay attention? 
• This is why no one likes you and you aren't getting anywhere. 
• How can you be so careless? 
• You're so unreliable. 
• You're so incompetent. 

All of this accompanied by this general sense of cringe, shame and self hatred. 

All of these statements have one thing in common. These are things my parents would tell me whenever I made a minor mistake as a kid. These minor mistakes can include but aren't limited: leaving my jacket at a friend's house, breaking a glass or a plate by accidentally knocking it over, spilling something on the carpet, spilling things in general, tripping over something, eating one too many cookies, and misplacing something and then spending 5 minutes looking for said thing.  And even if they didn't say those exact statements, they would make a sound of disapproval, shake their head, or do something else that basically expresses "god you're so stupid and annoying."

I saw a post a couple months back which was along the lines of why punishing your kids or yelling at them for something very minor can be very detrimental to a kid. Because most of these small accidents don't have that many real world consequences and can be easily fixed. There is no point in making a big deal out of it.  Just let kids be kids. And if you get yelled at those small mistakes, first of all you're getting rid of trust with the kid because if you yell at them for small things, when someone thing big happens, they'll be too scared to go to you and try to fix it themselves causing them to maybe get into a more dangerous situation. Second, it makes them anxious and overly self-critical which then enforces perfectionistic tendencies. Third, it leads to anxiety around making mistakes and messing up along with a lot of negative self talk which doesn't even do anything to help the situation. 

I get the mentality of punishing small things so that kids don't get the idea that they can get away with bigger things. I get punishing so that a certain behavior doesn't continue. But these things can easily be done by setting proper boundaries and enforcing them. Also, accidents aren't patterns for behavior. They just happen because we're human. And I think this also goes back to the whole notion that degrading someone isn't the same thing as disciplining them. You can discipline a kid without personally attacking them, talking down on them, or just being plain rude.  

A very easy way of dealing with situations like these are *oh well, that sucks, it isn't a big deal we can fix it together.* Like you don't have to go into a whole tirade on how stupid the kid is. The first time I encountered an adult who treated me this way was when I lost my wallet on the bus at school. She just told me "l'm sure everything will be fine. You can check with the bus driver and I'm sure your wallet is still there. I'm sure nothing super important was there that can't be recovered easily."  I was freaking out and frantically I told her that there was a lot of important things there which included my driver's license, credit card, $10, and my school ID. And to that she replied something along the lines of "that's not a big deal. You can cancel the card and get a new one quickly, you can get a new school id in 10 minutes after school, and you can apply to get a new drivers license after reporting it to be missing in under 5 minutes. These things happen to everyone at some point. It's ok. Yeah you lost the 10 dollars and this whole this is annoying and inconvenient but other than that it's fine really."  

I was just shocked with how calmly she treated this situation and how she mainly emphasized on how this can be quickly fixed. Because if I told this to my dad, I would have gotten yelled at for 45 minutes on how stupid and irresponsible I was and how he can't trust me with anything. She didn't make me feel like an idiot or anything. She was really reassuring. Now whenever I make a small mistake, I try to have that attitude with myself but because this was only one interaction and I've had countless interactions where my parents yelled at me, my instant knee jerk reaction is to beat myself up for small mistake. This is still something I'm working on. 

[RendHeaven]

6 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Off Days and Punishing Small Mistakes 

Dear God this entire post speaks to my soul on a molecular level. My parents had the exact same parenting "strategy" as you're describing... and I've dealt with the same personality shadow that that produces.

I'm determined to end the generational ignorance here and now: I'm prioritizing trust, acceptance, and love over "correct action" with any children I ever have responsibility for.

[soos_mite_ah]

@RendHeaven I think that parenting strategy is really normalized and common to where most people don't see anything wrong with it and therefore continue the cycle. I want to say it's a boomer thing but I'm sure generations after them probably still use the same tactic.

[Raptorsin7]

Have you thought about streaming on twitch or something like that as a way to gain traction for your blog/writing?

I think the biggest issue you will face is attracting the eyes that you think would be interested in your content. You could be the greatest writer in the world but if you have no way of effectively bringing your content to people on a large scale then it will be very difficult to gain a following.

Also if there was a way to utilize your looks, in a non-overtly sexual way, then I would think of ways to incorporate that as well.

I think our generation is also bias towards videos/audio because it allows for more multitasking and people have low attention spans, so maybe you could do a blog and a podcast or something. The audio/video would allow you to reach a larger audience, and then your writing could appeal to a % of your audience who is already hooked.

[soos_mite_ah]

@Raptorsin7 Honestly I'm not really focused on building an audience or making money from this at the moment. Those things would be nice but I'm mainly doing this because I enjoy doing it and I want a place to myself so that my posts can be more organized. 

I also tried doing youtube at one point and I honestly hated the whole process. It simply didn't resonate with me at all. I don't see myself doing twitch either. I thought about doing a podcast but I think that would be later down the road. 

Basically, I'm going into this with no expectations and no pressure other than to have fun. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Embracing the Awkward Part 1: I'm Neither Awkward nor Not Awkward 

I've been thinking about how I tend to associate being awkward with being unworthy of connection and I have been questioning this unconscious belief. I think the reason why I have this belief is because I always wanted to be one of those people who were a social butterfly who basically got along with everyone regardless of whether or not they had anything in common with them. Don't get me wrong, I was always content with having a small circle and I didn't feel this need to have a large group of friends. I think part of it  has to do with how extrovert centric the U.S. is.  But I guess somewhere along the way, especially through the school system, I was given this message that if you are really outgoing and charismatic, then you are a leader, you're good with people, you're going places in life. And if you aren't that way, well you're socially incompetent or there is nothing exciting about you. 

Like I remember growing up having my smart, more introverted friends who were hardworking get passed up on opportunities or even awards in school because the teachers didn't think they exhibited enough "leadership qualities." And for the longest time I thought that I wasn't a "people person" because I wasn't super extroverted and I didn't click with everyone. I think part of me also has this image of what a socially competent person is and when I fall short of that, I tend to internalize it. For example, I don't click with everyone. I can get along with everyone on a surface level, but I'm not like that super enthusiastic magnetic person (you know THAT person). And when I don't click with people, usually because we don't have anything in common, I see that as a sort of social failing on my part. I then start beating myself for being awkward and not exciting enough. Sometimes I wonder if I even have an actual personality because interactions like that leave me feeling that I'm a boring person. And I start feeling like I don't have social skills because I ran out of things to talk about with a person because I don't have anything in common with them. It's not really about me wanting to have a deep connection with everyone I meet rather it's about wanting to have a degree of socially competence that I thought was only reserved for extroverts. 

I've been trying to break out of this thought pattern of me being awkward. I think it's easy to selectively remember parts of your life according to what you consider yourself to be now. Like for example, let's say that you think of yourself as a creative person. Because of that identity, it's going to be easier to go back and remember moments where you were creative. But odds are, there were also moments in your life where you failed to be creative because no one is 100% one thing. Unless you integrate that uncreative part of yourself, the memories that you have of not being creative are going to be more hidden from your consciousness and you won't have an accurate view of yourself and instead cling on to this idea of being creative. Sometimes, all it takes is to notice those parts of us that we reject or ignore in ourselves. Awareness alone is curative. 

So in my case, since I have this idea of in my head that I'm boring, that I lack social skills,  and that I'm awkward, I tried to find moments in my life where that wasn't the case. I found that even in the times of my life where I would characterize myself as the most socially awkward an shy, I could still find moments where I was really good at dealing with people and was able to get along with a number of different people. If anything, I probably found just as many, if not more, instances where I was charismatic and good at dealing with people compared to when I felt socially awkward and uninteresting. A lot of it just had to do with what crowd I was surrounded by and how well they matched my level of consciousness, spiral stage etc.

I have this memory where, I don't remember the context of this conversation, but basically she said something along the lines of " you're actually really outgoing, you just can't relate to stupid or shallow people. You can't relate to them because your efforts of trying to connect to them just doesn't compute in their heads."  Looking back, I'm pretty sure this less to do with how intellectual someone is. Like I've met idiots that I connect with and I've met a lot of smart people who I don't click with. I don't think it has to do with intellect rather it has to do with consciousness and spiral stage. Since consciousness and higher spiral stages have a more expansive and inclusive worldview that integrates more perspectives, they can be seen as smarter. For instance I've met plenty of stage orange smart people say some REALLY sexist/racist/homophobic things and I remember looking at my friends before finding spiral dynamics and just questioning "how could a smart person, say something so stupid?" Now I know that it has nothing to do with their intellect, it has to do with how conscious they are. 

Basically the conclusion I came to is that there is nothing absolutely true about me being awkward and socially inept. Whether I show up that way or not is relative to the context and the people that I'm surrounded by. I also think another thing that helped me was viewing social awkwardness as an emotion rather than a character trait because emotions come and go relative to the situation but character traits can make something seem inherent to someone. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Embracing the Awkward Part 2: Finding Confidence in Awkward Moments 

When I realized that I was neither awkward nor not awkward, I decided that I was going choose to focus on the more charismatic sides to myself because that's what's best for my sense of self love and self image instead of focusing on all of my "social failures". Because there isn't anything inherently wrong with me and I'm worthy of connection but to fully deprogram my limiting beliefs, I need to focus on my social wins and times when I did feel worthy of connection to rebuild that part of myself so that I can let go of my limiting beliefs. Because if I keep focusing on how awkward I am, I'm going to create more awkward moments. However, if I focus on the times I was socially competent, I'm going to create more moments that socially flow smoothly. It's just how the law of attraction and just self fulfilling prophecies work. 

But I also want to take it a step further by finding myself worthy of connection even when I am awkward. I think that viewing awkward people as people who are not worthy of connection is a huge limiting belief. I know plenty of people who can be awkward a lot of the times but they still have friends and a social life. I also know plenty of awkward people who are also in relationships. 

The last one is something that I want to emphasize more because I think it would be easier to focus on it to prove a point. I think in dating, especially for men, you're always told to be super confident and that being awkward or shy is the worst thing that you can do in terms of attraction. While I do think there is some truth in that, I don't think that's a blanket statement that is applicable in all cases. I know awkward and introverted guys who have girlfriends. I think it has to do with finding confidence in your awkwardness. 

I have a story that shows a guy who was confident with his awkwardness. So in my first year of college, I was going through this *flirt with everything that moves to get this part of my life handled* phase. There is this one guy that works in my college dining hall. I just decided to flirt with him because why tf not and also since I wasn't attracted to him romantically, I didn't feel like I was under any pressure. I think I just complimented him on something really small and he got really red and shy and he just started stuttering. But here's the thing, that sense of shyness didn't come from a place of shame or self hatred. I think that's why it didn't come off as awkward and creepy. While I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time and I considered myself asexual, I thought that he was absolutely adorable and endearing because of the way he acted. I'd say that it was a million times more attractive than any type of alpha male trying to have a mask of confidence when he's secretly deeply insecure about himself and his masculinity.

(also side note, if a guy uses the term "alpha male" unironically, you're immediately branded as an insecure person in my mind ESPECIALLY if you use alpha to describe yourself. It's the epitome of cringe as Contrapoints describes it where you lack self awareness and you don't measure up to your own standards)

As I thought about that situation I was like "if I could see this person's awkward behavior and still think that they are a person worth connecting to, why can't I see myself in the same way?" Personally I find that if I find insecurities in myself in someone that has the same trait but I have no problem accepting the other person as a way to show myself the hypocrisy of self hatred. I remember growing up I was insecure about my height so I looked at a friend who was the same height as me and asked myself if I see her as any less worthy or beautiful because of her height. The answer is obviously no so then I would ask myself "well, then why do you feel that way about yourself? Why would you treat yourself worse than you treat others?" I find that this way of thinking helps me unpack a lot of things and I think applying this to my awkwardness is no different. 

EDIT: Additionally, I think being confident in you awkwardness is similar to being confidence in your ignorance. Because someone who is confident in their ignorance isn't going to double down and defend their worldview if there is something they don't know or they are wrong about (doubling down and getting defensive makes you look more dumb anyway). If they are confident, they can admit that they don't know everything and make peace with that because they still accept themselves in the end of the day. The same goes for being confident in your awkwardness. If you are confident in your awkwardness, when confronted with an awkward moment, doubling down and trying to be more confident will come off as an overcompensation which then will make you look even more awkward.  Instead, being confident in your awkwardness means that you can still accept yourself in awkward moments and be at peace. 

Edited June 24, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

The  Men are Not Okay 

I do catch myself looking at  men in general and asking myself *are yall okay* and I'm pretty sure that the answer to that is a NO. I do believe that there is a real issue with masculinity and how it should be defined in a healthy, more integrated way. I also think that a lot of the beauty standards that are applied to men are not realistic in the slightest and need to be analyzed more. I did do a post on this months ago in another journal and I thought I'd include it since it's relevant.

On 1/11/2021 at 10:52 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Thought these were interesting videos  

Personally I can't say that I know what men go through when it comes to body image but I can say that I grew up around a lot of guys who didn't have the healthiest outlook towards their bodies and went to extremes to get shredded. I feel that working out automatically has this connotation with being healthy and as a result, when people would look at guys who had horrible body dysmorphia go to the gym all the time, it was seen as them "being healthy." I have this one cousin who works out constantly, weighs himself everyday, and can't even enjoy food anymore because of these standards. It really hurts me to see him in that way and I did try to check up on him but I also know there is only so much I can do and that I couldn't be too confrontational about it especially since I'm not super close to him. And the rest of my family is all like "oh he is so into fitness, he needs to keep doing what he is doing etc" and they completely ignore what's going on mentally. 

There is the notion with fitness always being painted in a healthy light and there is also whole notion of men not being able to have eating disorders but that's a whole nother topic and it greatly has to do with masculinity, needing help, and the stigma around mental illness for men because it isn't seen as manly or strong to have emotions. I believe there needs to be much more awareness around men's issues when it comes to body image because in most of the cases the conversations revolve around women's beauty standards. I get why. Society places much more value on the way a woman looks and women are bombarded with a ton of bs. But completely ignoring the other end of the spectrum with men is also super harmful because being insecure about the way your body looks and going on diets and exercise regimes that can be dangerous to one's health isn't limited to gender. 

I also found a comment under the men's body image video to be pretty interesting. It was basically summing up the way I felt watching the video: 

"It’s funny how many/most people are more attracted to average than to extremes, but media portrays beauty in extremes, i.e., straight women, on average, are attracted to men with “average” bodies, and straight men, on average, are attracted to women with “average” bodies, but media makes us believe that only super skinny women and super ripped men are attractive." 

Yeah and I think part of the reason why these extremes are more pronounced in the media is because there needs to be an element of shock factor that engages a viewers attention so the media take standards that were already present in society and they go above and beyond. There is that, but there is also the obvious culprits of people trying to sell you shit. Like the comment, I agree that most people are still attracted to average. I don't even think being average looking is even an insult tbh. But because of the way that the media exaggerates things and makes things larger than life, it makes it seem that way, as if average isn't good enough. And personally, body type hasn't really been in my mind when I look at a guy and think he is attractive. I have liked chubbier guys, skinny guys, and even guys who work out. I have a whole range tbh. I guess my only preference is when it comes to height where I prefer guys who are 5'6" to 5'9" because I'm a short person and really tall guys low key scare me. But even then I wouldn't reject someone because of height, that's dumb.

And I think it goes without saying that men not talking about feelings, and as a result not having as many close relationships and not getting the help they need when they are struggling with something is a HUGE issue. Men might get the better end of the stick when it comes to the patriarchy, but it screws them over too pretty badly. 

I could talk about men's issues all day but I do find myself hitting a wall. And that is the question on how to rebrand masculinity. Sure I have some ideas, but in the end of the day, I don't feel like it's my place to tell men what masculinity is to them. I don't have experience as a man so I'm not really qualified to answer that question. I wouldn't want a man to define femininity for me. The thing that frustrates me about men is that because they get the better end of the stick that is patriarchy and benefit from it compared to women and nonbinary people, they don't try to analyze how the patriarchy can actually harm them. And to make matters worse, many men are blind to the way the patriarchy hurts them because they are cut off from their emotions in general. So basically, you get self deception from both sides. 

I found this in my recommended recently and I think its a reallly good analysis. The video is about right wing ideology but I think it goes in depth into a lot of men's issues. It also addresses issues around the pick up community as well as incels. I contemplated on posting this in the relationship section but I decided against it because I doubt that the guys who probably need to watch it actually will watch it. Which is why I'm sharing in this journal instead. 

 

Edited June 25, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[Zigzag Idiot]

Claudio Naranjo heralded the end of Patriarchy in a way. 
He published three books on the Enneagram of Personality, as well as The End of Patriarchy, which is his interpretation of social problems as the expression of a devaluation of the nurturance and human instinct and their solution in the harmonious development of our "three brained" potential.,,,,,

,,,,,His most recent book (2010), Healing Civilization: Bringing Personal Transformation into the Societal Realm through Education and the Integration of the Intra-Psychic Family, is both a continuation of and a turning point in Naranjo's lifelong work. For in this book, which has a foreword by Jean Houston, Naranjo explored what he saw as the root cause of the destruction of human civilization (as evidenced in the 2000s (decade) as war, violence, oppression of women, child abuse, environmental endangerment, etc.)—patriarchy—and brought both the problem and the solution home to an intra-psychic level. Patriarchy, he said, has taken root over millennia in the workings of our own conditioned minds.[citation needed] He also offered a remedy, which derives from the work of Tótila Albertregarding the "triune" being of our nature: the "Inner Father" (corresponding to the head), the "Inner Mother" (corresponding to the heart), and the "Inner Child" (corresponding to the instincts). As people learn to integrate these three "brains", Naranjo believed, they may bring about a functional, even divine, family within. And this, he believed, in addition to transforming education oriented to personal and collective evolution, could bring about the healing of civilization.[citation needed] In the Watkins' Mind Body Spirit Magazine he was listed as one of the 100 Most Spiritually Influential Living People of 2012.[7]

From https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Claudio_Naranjo

My own two cents is that a part of the deal is the need for women to take the initiative in ending the notion of romantic love relationship. Expressed in  A Course In Miracles as ‘the special relationship. I put the burden of this on women because they perpetuate this cultural ideal more than men. Perhaps my thinking is skewed here.  

A bit from ACIM- 

VII. The Needless Sacrifice

1. Beyond the poor attraction of the special love relationship, and always obscured by it, is the powerful attraction of the Father for His Son. ²There is no other love that can satisfy you, because there is no other love. ³This is the only love that is fully given and fully returned. ⁴Being complete, it asks nothing. ⁵Being wholly pure, everyone joined in it has everything.⁶This is not the basis for any relationship in which the ego enters. ⁷For every relationship on which the ego embarks isspecial.

2. The ego establishes relationships only to get something. ²And it would keep the giver bound to itself through guilt. ³It is impossible for the ego to enter into any relationship without anger, for the ego believes that anger makes friends. ⁴This is not its statement, but it is its purpose. ⁵For the ego really believes that it can get and keep by making guilty. ⁶This is its one attraction; an attraction so weak that it would have no hold at all, except that no one recognizes it. ⁷For the ego always seems to attract through love, and has no attraction at all to anyone who perceives that it attracts through guilt.

3. The sick attraction of guilt must be recognized for what it is. ²For having been made real to you, it is essential to look at it clearly, and by withdrawing your investment in it, to learn to let it go. ³No one would choose to let go what he believes has value. ⁴Yet the attraction of guilt has value to you only because you have not looked at what it is, and have judged it completely in the dark. ⁵As we bring it to light, your only question will be why it was you ever wanted it. ⁶You have nothing to lose by looking open-eyed, for ugliness such as this belongs not in your holy mind. ⁷This host of God can have no real investment here.

4. We said before that the ego attempts to maintain and increase guilt, but in such a way that you do not recognize what it would do to you. ²For it is the ego’s fundamental doctrine that what you do to others you have escaped. ³The ego wishes no one well. ⁴Yet its survival depends on your belief that you are exempt from its evil intentions. ⁵It counsels, therefore, that if you are host to it, it will enable you to direct its anger outward, thus protecting you. ⁶And thus it embarks on an endless, unrewarding chain of special relationships, forged out of anger and dedicated to but one insane belief; that the more anger you invest outside yourself, the safer you become.

(ACIM, T-15.VII.1:1–4:6)

From https://acim.org/acim/chapter-15/the-needless-sacrifice/en/s/196 

You can do a search on this site and get more regarding the ‘special relationship.

 

For me the question is what would our culture and our lives look like with no notions of romantic love. It sounds far out but I’ve been wanting to express this for a while. In my mind it’s up to women to lead the way out of patriarchy and then the world will be their oyster. What do you think?

 

[soos_mite_ah]

@Zigzag Idiot I don't think there is anything wrong with romantic love but I do believe that it is put on a pedestal too much which can be harmful to both men and women, especially women. There is nothing wrong with different forms of love whether that be love from family, love from friends, or love from a significant other. But overly emphasizing one form of love can be detrimental and can be an function of the ego.

 The reason why there is such a emphasis on romantic love in the female experience is because of the patriarchal notion that a woman needs to be in a romantic relationship with a man in order to be fulfilled and happy in life. Often times a woman achievements in other areas of life are completely overlooked in social settings and it always comes down to "so are you single? Why are you single? When are you getting married?" There is this notion that if you aren't in a relationship that there is something wrong with you. I feel that this sentiment effects men and women in different ways. For men you get the whole incel phenomenon where they dig themselves into a deep hole by internalizing feelings of unworthiness from lack of romantic and sexual experience. A more common phenomenon is how some men measure their worth on how many women they have slept with and see being a virgin as the worst thing in the world as if that tells people something about their masculinity. For women you get a lot of women who are willing to settle for men who aren't good for them by any means just to preserve their sense of self worth and to save face. Or once they do get into a relationship, they ignore every other facet of life and now their life revolves around their relationship. There are many ways  that putting romance on a pedestal can manifest but these are just to name a few. Those phenomenon are probably much more common than the incel phenomenon tbh. But in general, I think it's messed up how people feel unworthy of love just because they aren't getting romantic love. I also think it's messed up on how society sees people who have never been in a relationship as people who don't know what love is because that completely ignores the love that you cultivate with your friends, family, and yourself. I know so many people who just feel so lonely and unlovable on Valentines day even though they have other people in their lives. When you start putting your self worth on your relationship status, that's what turns the whole thing into an egoic mess. 

[Zigzag Idiot]

Thank you for your well thought out response. I agree very much with what you’ve written. In ancient Egyptian or maybe it was another Mediterranean culture for a while  there was a time when there was a martifocal culture in which they pretty much ruled the culture. What I say next may cause an uproar but I’m not meaning to do so. I see that women are much more relational to a great extent and romantic relationships of a sort between woman seems quite natural and men of various dispositions can sometimes be a complimentary aspects to such relationships. This idea will fly in the face and probably cause an upset among those of a conservative mindset, to say the least.. IDK it’s just an imaginative conjecture that I’ve had concerning the possible evolution of the relationships between men and women sometime in the future. 
maybe what got me considering such a senecio was a remark made my cousins wife in that in her view women in general are only about two mixed drinks away from having a same sex experience with another women. I also know this most likely is something that doesn’t apply to all women.  I hope this somewhat radical idea didn’t offend .

[soos_mite_ah]

@Zigzag Idiot I do believe that there was a study done about the emotional availability between genders in a platonic context. The results were along the lines of two women together have a more emotionally intimate bond. The next down the list is a woman and a man. Then the least emotionally intimate bond is between two men. The interpretations of these results are that both genders are more likely to open up in the presence of a woman and a lot of it has to do with how women are more socialized to be more open with their emotions and expressions. There is also a connotation that women are more caring and therefore needs to take the more compassionate role in a relationship. I also believe there was another different study that showed that it isn't uncommon for women to have to do most of the emotional labor in a romantic dynamic because a lot of men, since they don't have many emotionally intimate friendships, they tend to offload EVERYTHING onto their girlfriends. 

Also women do tend to be more physically affectionate with their friends. It isn't so much that they are a few mixed drinks away from having a same sex experience lol but it's more along the lines of if two women are good friends, it isn't super uncommon to hold hands and cuddle with each other or hell kiss each other on the cheek. There is also a joke on how a lot of lesbians have trouble differentiating if a girl is being an affectionate friend or if they are actually gay and flirting with them. Whereas with men, they can't compliment each other without it being followed with "no homo." To me, homophobia, sexism, and emotional unavailability are all connected because of how systemically, men are discouraged from embracing their femininity because there is an assumption that if they do, they aren't manly enough and therefore won't get the approval from other men.  

[soos_mite_ah]

Emotionally Connecting with People vs Having Social Skills: Am I Closed Off or Do We Just Not Click? 

Ok so I was going on a train of thought late at night and I'm still not sure where this train is taking me or if any of my thoughts make sense so get prepared for a messy train wreck of a journal entry. 

So lately I've been thinking about if I actually emotionally connect to and resonate with the people around me or if it's just me having basic social skills. I think most people fall into the later category. I feel like because I have many niche interest, I don't find people I have things in common with every day so as a way to cope with that, I learned how to play the social game pretty well. I'm really good at asking open ended questions, empathizing with people and their experiences, adding in a joke in the best time, knowing the best ways to handle different social situations smoothly etc.

I find myself relating the extroverted dismissive avoidant that is described I believe between minute 3 and 7. I'm good at working with people and I do come off as outgoing at times. I do tend to be a bit more of a floater and I can socially connect to people but not necessarily emotionally connect with them. And while I don't come off as warm, I don't come off as cold either. The video talks about coming off as lukewarm but I think in my experience I come off as warm but with a wall of competence around me that makes me look more polished so as a result, people don't feel the complete amount of warmth from me even if they can sense that it's there. The parts that I can't relate to is an avoidance for deep conversations and not understanding why people have extreme emotional reactions.  If anything, people tell me that I'm really good at having conversations irl. 

But even though people tell me that they always have a good insightful conversation with me, I always find myself feeling exhausted after the interaction or that I didn't actually connect with that person.  At the same time, there are people who I have clicked with instantly and I've felt as if I could talk to them for hours and still not get exhausted. I believe it's because I actually create an emotional connection with the later group and as a result I feel more authentic and therefore I'm in more alignment with who I actually am rather than in a place of resistance. And I think the thing that differentiates the groups of people I socially connect with versus the people I emotionally connect with has to do with to what extent me and the other person have things in common with each other.

There is a bit of shame that I sensed when I realized that I tend to connect with people better because I have things in common with them. It goes back to this whole thing: 

On 6/23/2021 at 6:36 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I think part of me also has this image of what a socially competent person is and when I fall short of that, I tend to internalize it. For example, I don't click with everyone. I can get along with everyone on a surface level, but I'm not like that super enthusiastic magnetic person (you know THAT person). And when I don't click with people, usually because we don't have anything in common, I see that as a sort of social failing on my part. I then start beating myself for being awkward and not exciting enough. Sometimes I wonder if I even have an actual personality because interactions like that leave me feeling that I'm a boring person.

The shame also comes from me remembering what I was like in middle school and how back then I had the worst individuality complex. I remember that back when I was 13, I was in my peak "I'm not like other girls" phase and I also took the MBTI test where I found out that I'm an INTJ which is also like a super rare type for a woman. My individuality complex kicked in and used this as an excuse for not being able to connect with people and having shit social skills. I built a whole web of limiting beliefs especially around interacting with other women at the time.

I have since then dismantled most of those beliefs and adopted this mentality of "I don't need to have a lot in common with someone in order to connect with them." I definitely think there is some truth to that because you shouldn't limit your social circle to people who are like carbon copies of yourself but at the same time I think it is limited because I think for me that caused me to force connections with people that I didn't have things in common with and that I couldn't feel like I can truly let loose and be myself around. It also caused me to internalize when I don't click with someone as "social failings" because that train of thought is more along the lines of "I didn't click with this person because I'm not interesting enough and I have shit social skills" instead of being "I didn't click with this person because we simply don't have much in common with each other."   

There is also a chunk of time where I don't socially or emotionally connect to people. And in those times I don't come off as an outgoing social butterfly nor do I actually emotionally connect to the other person. This is kind of mean but I remember talking about something with a friend regarding being socially anxious or awkward around this group of guys we used to hang out with growing up and my friend was like "you're actually really confident and outgoing. The thing is that you can't relate to stupid people. It's like you're on a different plane of understanding your world and they can't relate to or understand what you're talking about." This friend isn't super spiritually aligned but I think if she was exposed to those topics more, she would say something along the lines of not being in the same level of consciousness instead.

I think the overall thing I'm trying to say is that the less I have in common with someone whether it comes to values or interests, the more closed off and more avoidant I come off. It's not that I'm super closed off, it' s more along the lines of the fact that I haven't found "my people" yet. And when I do try to connect with people I don't have much in common with, I can socially connect with people but on some level it still feels forced and inauthentic which results in a sense of exhaustion after that interaction which then leads me to believe that I'm this huge introvert when I'm not. Because when I find people that I click with and actually have things in common with, I can't stfu and I feel more energized from that interaction. Every time I have clicked with someone, they describe me as an extrovert but every time I run into an acquaintance or someone I don't have much in common with, then they describe as an introvert.