The Joy Journal

[soos_mite_ah]

47 minutes ago, modmyth said:

I read your post about bimbofication a little while ago and it's been something I've been thinking about trying to make more sense of it. Would you say that other than being a sort of current trend (I'm guessing this is among women who are late gen Z, give or take a few years?) that it's widely accepted enough, or is it more of a fringe trend (that may or may not have growing momentum)?

I think the sentiment of not demonizing femininity and calling out limiting tropes like the "i'm not like other girls trope" is becoming more widely accepted. That trope feels like one of those things that was everywhere in the early 2000s and I feel that a lot of women my age watched that and internalized limiting views on femininity and now that we're old enough to look back at the time with a critical eye, we see why we have certain attitudes subconsciously and people are trying to unpack all that. 

As far as people adopting the  bimbo aesthetic, I can't say that I know people that dress in that way so in that way it's more fringe. But then again, a lot of aesthetics whether it is something like cottagecore, being an egirl, the dark academia aesthetic etc, it's so individualized to where you can't say that there are any wide sweeping trends. To me it sometimes feel like every other day there is a new aesthetic that gives birth to a sub culture of people who are into similar things since the internet makes it easy to create communities. 

58 minutes ago, modmyth said:

For my own era that I grew up in, I think Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are good examples, neither of which strike me as particularly dull intrinsically. I think it's important to separate and make a distinction between the people from the ethics and values of what they present (and also that they too may be "acting stupid" as a result), even if you don't agree with it.

I think that with separating people from the ethics and values the present is important to avoid attributing character traits based on your surface level perception of them. I think another thing to consider is why we attribute certain meanings and perceptions of moralization on what we see and what influences that view. Like why do we see certain things as inherently/ universally sexual and why do we apply meanings like the purity and moral value? Sometimes critique isn't justifiable like how society perceives traditionally feminine attributes as sexual or frivolous because of misogyny. Sometimes critique can be justifiable such as in situations involving cultural appropriation because of power dynamics involved. But yeah, personal attacks aint it when you're trying to critique ethics and values of presentation. It defeats the argument.  

46 minutes ago, modmyth said:

Another case you might find interesting is that of Hedy Lamarr, if you go back in time even a little bit further to the 40s. While she didn't exactly have the "bimbo" image (did this image actually exist legibly before the 50s?), she's a really good example of people and the society at the time not being able or ready to see past her physical appearance and her status as a sex symbol. Her mind didn't really factor into the equation at all.

I remember watching a documentary on that. I don't know if being a bimbo was a thing before the 50s but reducing a woman down to her physical appearance and not considering any other aspect of her identity or life isn't anything new. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Concerns Around Dating

I've been reflecting on this lately and I thought I'd air out all of my concerns and limiting beliefs around dating. I'm doing this in a stream of consciousness and I say this because I know that I'm just saying things without really thinking about it so some things might be a little over the top.

• I'm scared of being cheated on 
• I'm scared of being gas lit
• I'm scared of a toxic or abusive relationship
• I'm scared of a Tinder date going wrong and ending up missing 
• I'm scared of  being drugged
• I don't want to be taken advantage of 
• I don't want to be used as a therapist 
• I don't want to be manipulated
• I'm nervous about him not respecting me or my boundaries
• I don't want to deal with desperate, pushy guys
• I'm nervous about sex being seen as an expectation rather than something that I authentically want in my own timing
• I'm scared of being sexually assaulted or coerced into sex
• I'm scared of being strung along only to be pumped and dumped
• I'm scared of having my feelings toyed with just so he can get sexual validation
• I'm scared of guys who only want me for my body and don't value other aspects of who I am as much
• I don't want to be with a guy who is cold, distant, and doesn't care about me
• I don't want to be with a guy who is obsessive and goes too fast because that usually leads to abuse
• I don't want to be in a toxic or codependent dynamic even if it is unintentional on his part
• narcissists, psychopaths, conservatives, fascists, incels, red pilled people, MGTOW etc.  
• I feel like I have to be on guard and vigilant in the initial stages of dating instead of letting myself have fun and connect to someone
• I'm sometimes nervous about my standards of how I'm treated being too high because I'm getting impatient and I get tempted to lower my standards
• Sometimes I feel like I'm asking for too much when I want a guy to treat me gently and recognize my needs and desires without being dismissive
• I'm concerned about my experiences as a woman being dismissed and having a man mansplain to me about what I've been through 
• I'm concerned about a guy who doesn't take me seriously
• I'm concerned about grooming and other creepy behaviors from older men 
• I'm nervous about dealing with one of those red pilled guys and/ or who believe in women losing their value after 25 (creepy af)
• I'm concerned about men using my naivety, my youth, and my lack of sexual experience against me
• I don't want to be fetishized for my race or "purity" whatever tf that means to a guy
• I don't want to deal with anyone who is racist, sexist, or homophobic especially if they try to play it off as "dark humor" 
• I'm scared that most of the guys I come a cross fall under one of the things I said above
• I'm nervous about being seen as crazy or paranoid for my concerns and having them be dismissed only to be told I should've been more vigilant when something bad happens to me
• I'm scared of something bad happening to me and it being my fault 

[soos_mite_ah]

Self Control is an Overrated Part 1: The Path to Self Discipline

I have been having some health issues lately and that compelled me to get my diet under control. I have learned somethings about the process of sustainable habit creation in the process. 

I always thought that eating healthy required a lot of self control and self discipline. I also thought that self control and self discipline were the same thing but there is a nuance that I will get into later. Before these health issues arose, I did do a lot of what I now call unsustainable starvation diets as a teenager. It included but was not limited to elimination diets (whether that meant cutting out fats, carbs, or meat), juice/smoothie cleanses, fasting etc. It left me feeling hungry and with a dysfunctional relationship with food and my body. A lot of these diets were branded as healthy so growing up I thought that healthy meant that I was going to be hungry but I had self control to not overeat. 

 After my health issues arose, I looked for more sustainable and flexible forms of eating. The idea of going keto for the rest of my life and cutting out all bread didn't seem like a good option for me (tried it out and didn't work). I wanted a more gentle approach. I did a whole post regarding gentleness and how it relates to discipline. 

Firstly, I changed the grocery store I was shopping at. I had to because I was going gluten free and Walmart didn't have what I needed so I started shopping at Sprouts. Walmart just has everything but Sprouts is one of those health food grocery stores with organic, all natural everything. Just changing my surroundings helped me gain more self discipline around junk food. Sprouts doesn't have much junk food and what they do have is usually made with better ingredients and has less added sugar. Eventually I stopped craving those foods after not eating them for a while and when I did go back to Walmart on the occasion that I needed something, my temptations were gone. I didn't have to exercise self control to build this sense of self discipline. At Sprouts, I didn't have the circumstances where I would face a lot of resistance to where I had to build a sense of control. 

To me self control is resisting resistance/temptations/cravings etc. I think self control is necessary, but only relying on that to push through with brute force is often not sustainable and can be tiring. I feel that if you constantly have to rely on self control, there needs to be some type of systemic solution that needs to be implemented so that it is easier to make good habits and build the momentum to create a disciplined life. Often times solutions that require brute force self discipline are usually unsustainable long term or really extreme and sometimes dangerous because it is undisciplined discipline. I think water fasting for any number of days is a good example of this.  It you do it for multiple days, you can't even go back to eating normal food right away because you might get refeeding syndrome. Even though people do it for spiritual reasons while others do it to lose weight or get clear skin once and for all, to me in most cases it looks like a form of self harm (I know there are exceptions for sure) rather than a way to to build self control and discipline.

Anyway, for me, my systemic changes was changing my environment. It was also adding more fats and protein into my diet. I used to crave sugar for the longest time. I always wrote it off as me not having self control and not being strict enough with myself and because of that I was in the mindset that in order to be healthy I need to restrict more. I thought that there was something wrong with me, not in the diet I was on. But after introducing more fats and protein, those cravings naturally went away. I was able to cut out sugar and maintain that habit  without exerting a lot of self control. The reason why I was craving sugar wasn't because I was some type of crazed sugar addict but it was because I didn't have enough nutrients in my system, thus leaving me un-satiated and wanting to eat anything that was in front of me. 

This taught me that a lot of times, when we think we lack self control and are going through some type of back lash, that isn't us taking steps back rather it is our survival skills keeping us safe. For my case with my "sugar cravings", my lack of self control was an indication of "HEY FEED ME, YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG" instead of "HEY EAT THIS BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE THE SELF CONTROL TO BE SKINNY, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU." Brute forcing can do much more harm than good because it can cause you to be out of touch with your needs and be out of alignment because you aren't going with the flow of where you authentically are in your development of yourself or whatever habit you're trying to implement. And when you are always out of alignment and constantly facing resistance, again, that can get tiring and that can also cause long term wear. For me in this example, that long term wear was my metabolism slowing down because my body thought I was in starvation mode from eating too less calories. 

 I'm sure people can come up with similar accounts with implementing habits and exercising self control in other areas of life. I thought that discussing my process of fixing my diet was a good example with a good amount of context. I went ahead and bolded things that are key takeaways from this whole experience. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Self Control is Overrated Part 2: Creating Habits 

I feel that good and bad habits can be created the same way. After all, good and bad are labels that we plop onto something depending on what is in our interests. Habits are habits. 

I tried doing this thing where I tried of observe how my bad habits are formed and what lessons I can learn from that in order to create good habits. One thing that I noticed with bad habits is that they tend to be gradual and something that tends to sneak up on people. For example, no one goes from being a nonsmoker to being someone who smokes a pack a day. It starts little by little until you build up the tolerance to do more. The other thing I noted is that this gradual process isn't something that is forced, you do it at your own pace to what feels natural. That's why bad habits feel like they sneak up on you. It's not like you make a resolution where you're like "ok I'm going to build up a smoking habit by smoking a pack a day for 28 days straight because that's how you create permanent habits." Like you aren't going to be able to sustain that long enough to create the habit.

I know the last sentence seems absurd but that's what I see a lot of people do when it comes to creating good habits. I get repetition is important to cement something mentally, but in my experiences and observations, when someone says something along the lines of "I'm going to do (exercise, diet etc.) for 28 days straight in order to create a habit* it almost always fails. And then people blame themselves for not having enough self control or discipline. 

I found what helps with creating good habits for me is to set an intention but not force anything. I'll implement said habit in my own pace. That helped me stopped being perfectionistic and stopped me from beating myself up when I would fail or slip up on the 28 day challenges. It also helped me tap into the authenticity of where I was at rather than forcing myself to be else where. I found this method to be slower than the 28 day method, but I found it to be more sustainable and more healthy. Sometimes when we make ourselves feel obligated to do something or introduce the element of brute forcing something, the passion for what we are doing gets lost. I see this all the time with creative types who are really passionate about their craft but once you put them into art school and push a bunch of deadlines, suddenly their passion starts waning overtime because it no longer feel authentic rather it feels like an obligation. Similarly, when we make something an obligation for ourselves, the passion for implementing a habit gets lost too and next thing you know you build up more resistance to creating the habit.

In other words, I find it easier to gently ease into a habit at my own pace instead of forcing anything. The sustainability and the discipline then comes naturally and next thing you know, you built up a sense of momentum to where you don't need to exercise a lot of self control because it has become natural.

I know this won't work for everyone but I found that it works for me, especially when the goal or habit I'm trying to implement is coming from an authentic place to where I have an intuitive feeling that I'm ready to implement said goal or habit. Sometimes, we're simply not ready to tackle a goal because we need to work on other areas of our lives or we have too much on our plate. And that is ok. Do things in your own time. Be honest with yourself and tell yourself if you don't want to do something. Just because you don't want to do something now doesn't mean you won't ever want to do it, it just means that now it's not the time. For instance, before when I would try to go on diets in the past, that goal was forced and didn't come from an authentic place rather it came from a lot of insecurity. Because of that, I didn't take the gradual, sustainable or healthy approach. But when I fixed my diet this time around, creating habits were easy because my goal felt natural and authentic to me and as a result, the way I went about approaching the problem was much less neurotic. I found the same was true when I had to apply to jobs and internships recently. When I let go of the pressure to perform, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders which then allowed me to perform more.

Letting go of resistance or our responses to resistance lets us flow into what we want to achieve more easily.

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Feral Cat Energy 

I was watching this video about how to get a feral kitten and socialize it so that it will become accustomed to a human home. And for some reason I found that resonated with me on an emotional level lmao. Here are time stamps and the parallels I see with my emotions (I know this is a  weird but I think this is the best metaphor that articulates how I feel about being in a relationship and escalating things physically) 

First of all if you corner me psychologically even if it seems like it's not a big deal or it was unintentionally, I will bite and scratch (metaphorically speaking, in reality I'll probably shut down and become repulsed because I think you're a mess). I may be tiny, young, and inexperienced but I know red flags when I see them. And I'm not here for any sudden moves to escalate the situation. That is anxiety inducing to me. (2:20) 

I need some time to get used to the idea of getting into a relationship and having a man be attracted to me before I feel comfortable taking more of a lead and approaching (3:00)

I'm pretty sure I have a chance to get over how emotionally distant I can be at this age but I think dealing with this when I'm older is going to be more of a challenge because if I'm single until after idk when, I can see myself being the type of person who is just content with dying alone with a bunch of dogs tbh. (3:30) 

I think I need to hang out with someone for a little bit before really doing anything because I need to get used to all of this. Also I need the reassurance that I'm dealing with a good guy and that nothing bad will happen to me when I get into a relationship (4:40)

And then finally I can gently and slowly start opening up physically. I really need a guy who is going to be patient with me (6:00)  

I know there are a lot of women who tend to get into codependent dynamics. I personally find myself in the opposite category where I find it difficult to get close to people in the first place. Like I don't have a hard time with playing hard to get because I'm pretty unimpressed like 90% of the time. The stray cat in this diagram gives me Lana Del Rey 's monologue from her Ride music video energy. Just the type of person that comes off naïve and friendly, isn't afraid to approach people but does so because they are dependent on something emotionally and because they aren't the best at emotionally taking care of themselves (stray cats tend to be heavily reliant on people).

I on the other hand am more like a feral cat who has a lot of fears wrapped around in dating and who avoided it for awhile because dating just seemed like a hot mess. I'm pretty functional and independent in general so there is a very low chance that I'm going to be needy or express my vulnerabilities (which isn't the healthiest I know). Again, I think a lot of my anxiety has to do with not being used to guys and feeling like I need to be vigilant and protective around them, kind of like how a feral cat is guarded around humans because of limited interactions. 

Plus I've heard so many horror stories with guys mistreating a girl and how messy the whole process of dating can be. I took a step back from what I posted a few days ago regarding what I'm concerned about when I'm dating and I think those concerns are valid. I know I felt like I was being dramatic and paranoid when I was writing this but no, I'm not crazy. One of my big fears is getting into a toxic or even abusive dynamic because I know just how much that can set a person back. That's valid given what I've dealt with in my childhood and how I spent years trying to piece myself back together. But again, it goes back to being aware of something vs being focused on it. When I get into a car, I'm aware of the risks and the dangers involved, but I'm not focused on it and as a result it doesn't stop me from driving while taking precautions. I need to approach dating in the same way. It's good to be aware of the risks, especially as a woman lets be real, but focusing on it can mess a person up. 

I also journaled about how I'm a little insecure about waiting for sex as well as my concerns with men pressuring me into doing something I don't authentically want to do. And year it's an insecurity. Sometimes I feel really juvenile and childish for wanting to wait and take things slow. But a man who is going to push me into doing something or says things like there is no relationship with out sex etc. is not the type of man that I would want to sleep with because he isn't empathetic towards what I want and need both emotionally and sexually. And that normally doesn't lead to good sex much less a good dynamic.

I don't think it's a good strategy to be insecure about my boundaries in this area of my life because that will then attract other insecure men who are willing to test those boundaries in order to get what they want. I don't want to be with an insecure and pushy man. My boundaries are here to keep me safe, not impress a man. Opening up is important and necessary for me and one of the things I can do to do that is to prioritize dating and relationships more in my life. But I still need to be comfortable with my authentic boundaries and the pace that I'm comfortable with. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I feel called out ???

[soos_mite_ah]

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Turning Competence into an Identity Part (??): Mercy and Compassion

After writing my post about my feral cat energy as well as the concerns I have with dating, I realized that I have a limiting belief when it comes to how I believe that people treat one another. I noticed that in interactions, I try to present the best possible version of myself because I can't see people empathizing with me or treating me with mercy. I have this cut throat attitude which leads to perfectionistic tendencies and this desire for competence as a protective mechanism.

My limiting belief is that people are selfish and uncompassionate and that they won't show you any amount of empathy unless it serves their interests. This feels weird to articulate because I know that people are capable of  behaviors like care and compassion along with other higher conscious behaviors but I guess this limiting belief is subconscious and implied because of ties a lot of other concerns I have together. 

I'm getting better with friends but I noticed that my reluctance to open up to them has to do with me not wanting to seem toxic for expressing negative emotions even when done in a healthy manner. I don't want to seem like I'm playing the victim when I let someone see my vulnerabilities. I'm also hyper aware about any amount of social awkwardness and I tend to be pretty harsh with myself around that and that causes me to resort to get addicted to fixing things instead of just accepting my quirks. I have somethings that I think would be beneficial to work on like my tendency to overshare (particularly in journal entries), my chaotic sense of humor, or how some times I run out of things to say. Since I'm taking a break from "fixing things" and focusing on acceptance, accepting those things have been difficult because I have this impulse to just jump in and deal with these issues. But right now I'm just letting myself be and I believe that has been really beneficial. 

I don't expect any amount of mercy from people I work with whether it is students and teachers or possibly an employer. I found it baffling when some of my friends who are open about mental health in the beginning of the semester was able to just meet with the professor and simply explain what's going on with their mental health and how it might impact with their performance. I have read articles and have heard from professors that they would like us to be open about these types of things but I'm always afraid of looking incompetent, lazy, and stupid for expressing such things. I think a lot of this has to do with the internalization of the stigma against mental health. On top of that, I am nervous about sending in my resume to any potential employers because I do have a year long gap that I took to take care of myself. Again, it has to do with the stigma but I just can't see people trying to understand where I'm coming from (even if it's valid) because of how competitive things are. Any sign of neurosis is a red flag for employers and it's in their interests to be cut throat. 

And finally, I don't expect mercy and compassion from men. I have explained a lot of that in my post about having feral cat energy.

One of my biggest fears is being in a toxic relationship whether that be with a man, a friend, or an employer. And my desire to present this competent image is to ensure that people won't take advantage of me. Because I don't expect mercy and compassion from other people, I don't show mercy and compassion to myself which then leads to perfectionistic tendencies. 

Edited April 12, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

The Happiness Spectrum: (Found these notes in the comment section and decided to copy and paste them onto this journal as well as including my own commentary in order to reflect. Those are in blue. My goals and future action item are in red.) 

1. There are two kinds of happiness: Hedonic (Bad) & Eudaimonic (Good)
2. Hedonic happiness is the most common form of happiness, short-term pleasure, easy to obtain and not very fulfilling (thrill-seeking).
3. Eudaimonic happiness is long-term gratification, difficult to obtain and very fulfilling (virtuosity).
4. Average common happiness is hedonistic, little to no work involved. 5. There's no shortcut to Eudaimonic happiness. Any shortcut you find automatically leads to hedonism. 

The Happiness Spectrum:

+ Pure Hedonistic Happiness (avoid, very addictive, unreliable): I think these can be ok in moderation meaning it isn't an addiction, something your life revolves around, or something you are attached to. 

• Drugs
• Food, partying & drinking (food is necessary, eat healthy)
• Beauty (too easy to obsess over and feel bad): I do have a hang up on the way I look and I'm working on accepting myself though there are times where I feel like plastic surgery would make me happier. 
• Money, shopping (can only buy more of hedonic happiness): With money, my goal right now is to get on my feet and become financially independent. I wouldn't say that I'm chasing money or that my life revolves around it but I do see the importance of it. It's one of those needs that I need to meet. With shopping, I'm trying to get to a point where I'm comfortable with treating myself. It's more about self care and eliminating limiting beliefs around money rather than being a shopaholic. These things aren't addictions for me but they are things that need to be integrated into my life in a healthy way. 
• Media & entertainment: TV, internet, social media, videogames (extreme time sink): I don't really use these much for entertainment but I use them for education mainly. 
• Gossip, Idol socialization (look up Elanor Roosevelt quote about great minds)
• Pursuing fame, public image & "success" (equivalent to chasing money, validation)
• Validation from other people (relying on others for happiness): I am sometimes guilty of caring what other people think of me too much.
• Porn & sex (can be a problem if obsessed over): I want to explore my sexuality but it isn't really an obsession. 
• Romantic infatuation (honeymoon period of relationship): I think this is one of those things I need to exhaust tbh. 

Goals from this section: 

• Financial freedom
• feeling comfortable with treating myself
• get into a short term relationship to exhaust my need for one and also explore my sexuality in that relationship 

 

+ Neutral Happiness (good):  I'm going to bold things that I feel like I can increase more of both in this section and in the Eudaimonic Happiness section

• Hobbies (that lead to long-term improvements: musical instruments, sports, etc. NOT videogames, gossiping or bingewatching tv-series): A lot of my hobbies also check items on the Eudaimonic list
• Physical exercise (don't exercise just to obsess over beauty, weightlifting): I enjoy being active but I can do better especially after moving out of my parent's house so that it doesn't devolve into obsessing about beauty. 
• Friendships & strong relationships (real, solid friends): I want to focus on this more. 
• Companionate love (love in relationship after honeymoon period): I want this as well but I think I need to work on myself more and burn through some of my superficial desires before jumping in so that I have a clearer head. But this is a goal, not for now but in the future. 

Goals from this section: 

• Socialize more to develop strong relationships 
• Work out and be active 
• Get into a long term relationship (later) 

 

+ Pure Eudaimonic Happiness (awesome):

•  Learning & education (savoring your education, student for life): As a student much of my time is dedicated to this. I hope that I can continue that even after college. 
• Excellent flow & work states (do you value your work, does it produce "flow" for you?): I need to find my life purpose. I feel that I could grow exponentially when I find that one thing. 
• Inner development (personal growth activities) (meditate!): Been having this as a priority for the last few years. It's been hard work but soooo worth it. 
• Self-acceptance (accepting yourself exactly as you are): Been really focusing on this. Could do better tbh. 
• Kindness (doing good things for other people, being kind to other people): Never had a problem with this growing up. 
• Gratitude (be thankful for what you already have) (make it a ritual): I could probably benefit from a personal gratitude journal tbh. 
• INTEGRITY (are you living up to your greatest values? are you doing the things that are meaningful to you in life? are you honoring commitments to others and yourself? how good are you at keeping your own commitments to yourself? do you set a goal for yourself and then quit? work on integrity): I have a huge need for integrity and when I don't get it I often feel like I'm about to implode lol. I always prioritized this and I never regretted this. 
• CONTRIBUTION (what your work does for the betterment of humanity in the world. what kind of impact does your work have? is it contributing in a way that YOU believe is meaningful, not what other people believe is meaningful, but what you believe. you have to believe it. not just volunteering, but producing something that move people):  Again, need to find my life purpose. 
•  >>BEING<< (existing, the best way to practice this is through meditation. it teaches you how to enjoy the moment of being. you should not need any stimulation, activities of any sort, not even of the Eudaimonic kind. if you're able to be present, in the moment, totally enjoying yourself, that's what ultimate peace of mind means) "The best moments of life are moments of being, not moments of doing.": I really enjoy meditating and contemplation but I think I should table working towards something like enlightenment later. I'm not even going to bold this because it isn't healthy for me to make it a priority now by skipping a bunch of steps. I already have a meditation habit and I think for now that is sufficient. 

Goals from this section 

• Find my life purpose 
• Work on self acceptance by working through insecurities and limiting beliefs. 
• Create a gratitude journal 

Eudaimonic activities are a lot more difficult than Hedonic activities, definitely at first when transitioning. It will become easier after that. It's because you're still addicted to hedonism. It takes an acquired taste. Eudaimonia does not provide instant pleasure. It's difficult to quit instant pleasure. What it does provide is long-term, long-lasting gratification, which is ultimately better for your mind, body and spirit. And thus for your happiness. I don't think I have a problem with the hedonic part of the list but I need to burn through some of those so that I won't be distracted when I'm pursuing the neutral or eudaimonic forms of happiness. 

[soos_mite_ah]

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Reconciling Preferences and Needs with the Absolute and Relative 

On 3/10/2021 at 11:30 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

For me, I grew attached to detachment. I started detaching from a lot of things I liked and cared about, things that brought me fulfillment, personality traits, as well as tastes and preferences. I even went as far as to detach from a lot of my needs and some of my boundaries. To me all of these were survival and ego. On the plus side, it got rid of a lot of my happiness bottlenecks, it made me more flexible in my self concept, it made me more openminded, and it helped me get a good idea what I was doing out of distraction and what I was doing because I actually enjoy it. On the negative, I lost sight of who I was. I know people on this site might think it was a good thing but for me it was like I turned into a blob, like I didn't care about anything anymore, like I didn't have something grounding me. It really hit me when I was in the height of my ego backlash a few months back and my friend I called was like "I don't think you know who you are anymore" when I started talking about feeling like a blob and how I really isolated myself to where I wasn't acknowledging my social and emotional needs. The place where I went to far was detaching from my personality, my tastes, my needs, and my boundaries. 

The reason why I got attached to detaching was because I wanted to peel back the layers of who I thought I was to get in touch with my most authentic self. I'm not my tastes, preferences, hobbies, or even personality traits. Those are things I have but they aren't me. And even if any of those things changed, I'd still be me. But I held the absolute on some type of pedestal compared to the relative truths to where I wanted to sacrifice my own personal truth. That wasn't healthy and caused me to lose myself, and not in the blissful and enlightened way. 

As a result for the last couple months I've been taking a break from more existential topics. I wanted to connect back to my sense of self in a healthy way. I've also been brushing up on more foundational forms of self help that helps in creating a healthy ego through self expression, self exploration, advocating for your boundaries, understanding your wants and needs etc. It makes me feel like I have my head screwed on a little tighter and has been beneficial for me. 

The most refreshing and enjoyable part of this was when I made myself a Pinterest board and went shopping. Making the Pinterest board helped me come back to connecting to what I liked and gravitated towards without me writing it off as "oh this isn't absolute truth, stop distracting yourself, all of this is a materialistic illusion the ego puts on to deceive itself to thinking it's real." And going shopping made me feel more in alignment with my sense of self expression and made me feel more confident and in alignment and less repressed.

I don't think that I'm attached to who I am right now and how I choose to express myself. This is a part of me exploring myself and as a result I'm open to change. And because that attachment isn't there, I don't think this is a product of reinforcing ego rather it's simply honoring the form my consciousness is taking at the moment.   

I think our preferences, tastes, hobbies, personality traits, etc. gets egoic when we believe that it is something stagnant in ourselves. One example may be saying you're not the type of person who goes to the gym as a way of avoiding exercise. In this case, you're attached to the idea of not going to the gym to where it's part of your identity and making yourself exercise is going against your self concept. Another example maybe identifying as a goth so much to where when your style naturally evolves out of it, you start having some type of identity crisis (it's not a phase mom). In both cases, you want to stay the way you are because changing is like the death of you. There is no openness to explore. Sure there is nothing wrong with being goth or being the type of person who doesn't go to the gym for the moment and honoring that, but there is a problem when you think that those things are inherent to who you are and aren't influenced by outside influences like your environment or past life experiences. 

Preferences, tastes, hobbies, personality traits, etc. gets egoic when we believe that something we're doing has some absolute truth that other people have to agree with or aspire to. Back to the example with not wanting to exercise. It's ok to honor that preference, but it becomes an attachment when you start judging other people who go to the gym or think your way to live is the right way to live. It might be right for you but it might not be for others for a variety of reasons. Dressing in a gothic way may be a way of expressing yourself and that's fine but it becomes an attachment when you think that everyone is some type of conformist sheep with no originality because people don't dress the way you do. 

I think another good way to look at preferences in the context of knowing absolute truth is to look at sexual orientations. From what I understand, it's unlikely that a person would change their sexual orientation or what they personally consider attractive before and after enlightenment when they realize that their orientation isn't some type of absolute truth. You're still going to have your preferences and still want to honor them. But it's highly unlikely that you'll be homophobic or look down on people who have different preferences compared to you because you know that your preference isn't something that everyone has to align with and you have compassion for people who have different preferences than you whether that be on the level of sexual orientation or simple physical tastes (fat women aren't objectively better/worse than skinny women for example, it's ok for people to polygamous or monogamous etc. people are allowed to like what they like). And you won't judge yourself if you do find your sexual orientation changing or evolving if you wish to explore your sexuality more. 

Another example may be physical taste. I may like chocolate  but that's relative because it has to do with my personal taste buds, the culture and food I was raised around, what I'm biologically craving etc. But not everyone likes chocolate and they have their own reasons for that as well and that's ok. I can still like chocolate, it's not a preference that I need to transcend just because it isn't the absolute truth. I'm not attached to liking chocolate. Something might happen tomorrow that might make chocolate taste like trash and it probably won't hurt my sense of self. It might be a weird experience, but it's not going to launch me into an identity crisis lol.

Finally, when it comes to the topic of needs, I think that's something that a lot of people try to transcend because it's seen as a selfish survival mechanism. Sure some needs are unhealthy, like an unhealthy need for excessive attention, and could be examined (but then again what is considered excessive attention and unhealthy are subjective terms relative to what we believe as healthy), but other needs are incredibly important. For me, I have an emotional need to not have sex until I get into a committed relationship. I don't want to engage in casual sex or have sex with someone who I don't have romantic feels for or haven't dated for at least a few of months. But I know that not everyone has this need. For some people it is healthy to have casual sex. I don't expect people to have the same needs as me for whatever reason nor do I look down on them or judge them. This need I have isn't some universal truth that applies to everyone and that's fine. And who knows, maybe later on in life I won't have this need and that will change given my life circumstances. That's ok too. I'm not attached to this need that I have but nevertheless I think it's healthy to honor it instead of forcing myself to do something that I don't want to do and go against my authenticity.

The same could be said with nutritional needs. I know for me personally, intermittent fasting and keto does not work but that doesn't meant that it isn't going to work for other people because hey they might have different genetics, life styles, environment, and health conditions to think of therefore the decision is relative to that. Not everyone has to or should do keto and intermittent fasting. For me personally, going on a low carb diet and cutting out most grains made my body feel terrible and intermittent fasting got neurotic for me. It isn't my diet and I should honor that instead of forcing anything but it might be the perfect solution for someone else. And who knows, maybe things will change and I'll come around to keto and intermittent fasting in the future and that's ok too. 

I don't think I have that many attachments to my needs, preferences, likes, dislikes, personality traits, etc. But that doesn't mean that I can't honor them or that honoring them means that I'm egotistical.  I can honor my relative truth so long as I recognize that it's relative and doesn't apply to everyone because of different perspectives and situations. If anything, honoring your own relative truth is like honoring a piece of absolute truth.  

Edited April 17, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Embracing My Inner Basic

On 9/20/2020 at 11:21 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Pumpkin Spice Lattes

For the last couple months I have been trying to shake this weird kid label that was slapped onto me in childhood through shadow work. It's been working well but I think there are some ways that I can expand on dismantling this label. One thing that I have yet to try until now is being more basic or being more of a "normie" (I just don't like this term. It reminds me of incels. So I'm going to use basic).

I'm trying to incorporate more mainstream things into my life style. Some things may include binging on Netflix more, namely shows that are like Friends and New Girl, watching makeup tutorials on YouTube, drinking more Starbucks, listening to the top 40 on the charts etc.  To be honest, I don't know what super mainstream stuff is all I know is that it's not what I typically gravitate towards. Like even as I type this stuff out, it feels weird and unnatural for me. I don't watch shows like that, the main things I watch on YouTube have to do with meditation and self help, and my music is just a very odd mix to say the least.  I feel the resistance. It's not so much that I have judgements over these things or that I don't feel comfortable with it, but it's more of I much rather do something else. 

I guess another aspect of this that feels uncomfortable is that I'm doing this to develop myself. Normally people see developing oneself as going off the beaten path or discovering new ideas, in other words becoming less basic. Becoming basic and conformist seems like the antithesis of this. But for me personally, I feel like I need to be more basic, not for the sake of fitting in with other people, but to fully transcend my "weird kid" label. I think that this label comes with both a superiority complex and an inferiority complex. The way I'm going to describe this is going to be cartoonish simple for the sake of brevity and clarity but I assure you it plays out in a much more subtle way in my psyche.

Superiority: I'm so different, unique, and creative. I'm so much better than everyone who is just a conformist who goes with everything that society says. Look at all of the sheeple. 

Inferiority: I'm so weird. No one likes me. No one will understand me or want to be friends with me. I'm ugly and too weird to mix with everyone. I need to isolate myself because I'm so cringey. 

 And so I guess the best way to stop judging myself and other more basic people is to embrace my own basicness. Being basic feels unnatural and I feel like I'd rather be doing something else but then again it only seems that way because a lot of our preferences are an acquired taste that have to do with the development of our egos. 

I wrote this entry months ago and I had this in the back of my mind all this time. Basically I set the intention and went about my life. I found that when I do that and let go of my resistance along with trying to make it happen that I eventually end up manifesting things. Of course this doesn't work for everything but I found that it works pretty well when it comes to changing the way I see myself. 

I have noticed that I started settling into my basic energy ever since I started more gentle forms of self help. I'm still not the type that binges netflix, drinks coffee, or listens to the top 40. Instead I've been tapping into my own form of basic similar to how when I was getting into embracing my feminine side, I went in thinking I had to be a stereotypical version of a woman as a starting point but it eventually turned into me embracing my own unique form of feminine energy. 

I guess one of the main blocks for me when it comes to embracing my inner basic energy is my obsession with self help. I wanted to improve myself but I ended up losing myself in the process (and not in a fun psychedelic way). But when I toned that down and let loose a little bit, I found myself being more basic and relatable rather than uptight and aspirational if that makes sense. I began reconnecting to my tastes instead of feeling the need to detach all the time. 

One of the ways that I reconnected with my taste was with candles, lotions, things that smell nice. Bath and Body Works sparks a lot of joy in me lol. I really like citrus scents and things that smell clean. One of my favorite scents is the smell of clean laundry. After that I would say that I like the smell of lavender. Then I have my florals, like rose, lilac, and hibiscus along with more earthy scents like sandalwood or sage. My least favorite scents are the ones that smell really sweet or fruity. I know that I said that I like florals and citrus but there is a huge difference between smelling like lemons and oranges and smelling like a mango or smelling like flowers or smelling like vanilla and sugar. I don't mind those scents on other people and I still think they smell good but I find myself not really gravitating towards them for myself. I find those scents being too strong imo. My main thing is that I like smelling fresh and clean without anything extra. 

I find myself being good about not hoarding these things. I noticed that building up an endless collection of scents can be a slippery slope. I just have a pet peeve for half or quarter full bottles that don't get used up. It just feels wasteful and like I'm not appreciating what I have. I have a personal rule where I don't let myself buy anything new until I finished the one I have completely. I buy a lot of minis for that reason since the full size ones take forever to use up (unless I know that I absolutely love it and I will repurchase it again and again). That's with beauty products in general tbh. I think I have this tendency with other things as well where I metaphorically want to use everything up completely and run it to the ground before getting something new. 

I think a lot of this has to do with my love language being touch. For the context of self care, it translates to me liking things that smell nice, areas that look nice (like a clean dark room with candles), and things that feel nice to touch. One of my favorite things to do is go to a makeup store and feel the brushes. I used to do this as a kid but I still do it now. I don't really wear makeup like that nor am I super interested in it but I like feeling things that are fluffy and soft. I also like the feeling of exfoliating and scrubbing. Idk why, I just do lol. 

I have journaled about this in a multi part series in the past but I love youtube channels that analyze things. It could range from anything from psychology, politics, and complex systems to pop culture and media. I don't care about indulging in pop culture and media for the sake of it much (again not the type who really binges on Netflix) but I like looking at the analysis behind it because it give me a birds eye view of what's going on, keeps me informed, while also carrying a kernel of truth / insight. In addition to the analysis of pop culture and media, I also love memes in general as well as videos of cats and dogs which I post every now and then on this journal if I want a break from what I'm writing. 

I think tapping into these parts of me helped me deal with the superiority/ inferiority complex that comes with me seeing myself as this "weird kid." I think also taking a break from really dense and spiritual content and instead opting to just connect with regular people without everything being this deep and intellectually stimulating conversation also helped because one, I'm not mentally burning myself out, and two, I'm just connecting with people without subconsciously thinking of how unconscious and lacking in depth they are. I think my judgements where really subconscious to the point where I barely noticed them but they just manifested in me feeling like I couldn't connect to people or that I didn't resonate with others. 

This also reminds me of one of the first things I ever posted on this forum. This was the thread that got me to stop using my account as a lurk account and start commenting on things as well as journaling.  

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Understand and Improve the Human Condition

I FINALLY FOUND MY IMPACT STATEMENT!!!!!!!!!!

So, I've been retaking the Life Purpose course and I set the intention to figure out what my impact statement was which is supposed to point you towards your life purpose. And I finally came up with a very solid one so I'm really excited because it resonates with me so well!!!

I was meditating on this and it simply came to me when I managed to quiet my mind down. I then realized that basically all of my hobbies, my interests, and the way I look at the world revolves around understanding and improving the human condition. 

I took this definition from Wikipedia because I was having trouble articulating what exactly I meant by the human condition and I felt that wikipedia articulated it well. 

Quote

The human condition is all of the characteristics and key events that compose the essentials of human existence, including birth, growth, emotion, aspiration, conflict, and mortality.[1] This is a very broad topic which has been and continues to be pondered and analyzed from many perspectives, including those of religion, philosophy, history, art, literature, anthropology, psychology, and biology.

As a literary term, "the human condition" is typically used in the context of ambiguous subjects, such as the meaning of life or moral concerns.

All of these things are things that intrigued me at some point. The subjects that this definition includes are all things I was drawn to which caused me to pick the field of study I have right now. At first I thought I liked looking at different cultures and seeing how they connect but then I realized that this is only one piece of my desire to understand the human experience.

A lot of the causes I resonate with matches up with this impact statement. I care about wealth in a very sociological way and the way people are treated in the work force because work is such a big portion of one's human condition so it's essential for a good life to have good working conditions. These things impact people on an individual and systemic level. I care about access to health care, access to housing, and other human rights issues. I'm interested in businesses and how they can organize themselves better to maximize their potential and treat their workers well at the same time and how those things are one and the same. I care about self improvement which what else is it other than understanding yourself to improve yourself. I care about mental health not only the methodology behind it but also how human it is. I care about the media and pop culture as a form of art and how that shapes the experience of a collective and what that means in the larger picture of how we evolve as a humanity. I care about philosophy and the way we figure out what is right and wrong and the best way to deal with the situations at hand by understanding the mechanisms that are at play. Finally, I care about consciousness and spirituality and understanding it in order to expand. 

As far as careers go, I entertained the idea about becoming a professor at one point but the thing that turned me off about that was that even though I would do a lot of research, a lot of my impact will be confined in academia and wouldn't reach a wide group of people. This profession had the "understanding the human condition" part down but doesn't have the "improving the human condition" part as much.

I have thought about working as a therapist or life coach at one point but I didn't really resonate with either of those. As much as I'm interested in understanding individuals, I also want to take on a systemic approach as well to create the greatest impact on people. I care about understanding the human condition on both the collective and individual level. 

I have thought about going into political activism or becoming a lawyer at one point because I care about improving the human condition. But at the same time, I feel like I could fall into the trap of advocating much more than I contemplate and research. For that reason I'm a little turned off. 

And finally I thought about consulting or going into human resources so that I can impact people on both a collective and individual people and so that I am in a position to empathize with others but also implement solutions in a strategic manner. I feel like at this moment this resonates with me the most but I don't have the best view on corporate jobs and I want to have my own thing at some point. 

I'm still figuring all of this out and I have no idea what my zone of genius or my medium in which I execute my impact statement is going to be.  

[soos_mite_ah]

A Permanent State of Existential Crisis

Honestly at this point I think this is my norm. I had these existential crises since I was a child. Thought I'd reflect on the things that bothered me at the time existentially and how my world view evolved during that time I was 8 to 14. 

I remember the first time I had an existential crisis I was 8 years old. I wanted to know what would happen after you died and what religion was valid. At the time I was in a Christian private school and I had Bible study on Wednesdays however I grew up in a Hindu household. My parents sent me to this school because the education was good. I remember hearing things like God punishes non-believers and I was sitting there like..... am I going to be punished too? I remember there was a kid who said he didn't believe in God and he got bullied a lot. I kept my faith to myself and wondered what would happen when I died and which faith was correct. I also found the concept of faith interesting and over the years I was at this school, I think it was the earliest phases of my self development journey. I thought religion was a good blue print of how to be a good person and qualities we should nurture within us like love, joy, peace, patience, etc (I know that's the fruits of the spirit in the Christian tradition but there was a song that all the kids liked in that school so as a result my bible study teacher would constantly sing it with us. Those songs are burned in my mind tbh) but it was also something to look at critically. I saw that there was hypocrisy in religious communities at this time though at 9 I didn't know how to articulate it. It just didn't seem that loving to bully kids who weren't part of the same faith as you and it contradicts the notion of religious freedom. Looking back, I'm pretty sure that the reason why the kids would bully others based on religion had a lot to do with what they were learning from their parents as well as the bits and pieces of what they learned in Bible study. But the parents I'd say are a larger influence tbh based on my memories of the adults around me. 

Then when I was 10 I remember reading this book for school called Tuck Everlasting. That was fuel to my existential crisis at the time. Basically, the book is about this family named the Tucks and the family consisted of 2 boys and their parents. They came settled in the U.S. in the 1700s and they found this spring water that gave them immortality. They thought it was just regular spring water until decades passed and none of them aged. They decided to live in relative isolation because they didn't want other people to catch on. Then, in the late 1800s, there is this girl named Winnie (the main character) who fell in love with one of the boys. And then the whole book has to do with Winnie getting to know the family, their experience with immortality, and whether or not she should also drink the spring water. 

So yeah that got me pondering about immortality and the finality of death and whether or not death was a blessing or a curse from god. I remember my 10 year old mind being blown. 

Then after I left that school, I went to another Christian private school because of the education. The atmosphere was more accepting as in no one really cared if you were Christian or not. I still had Bible study but in this school we studied religion more like a second history class in a more neutral light. In that class we discussed what was going on in the ancient world at this time, how that influenced writings, why there are contradictions in the Bible, and how Christianity, it's denominations, and Judaism differ from one another. I'm pretty sure this took me out of existential crisis mode and then pushed me into my atheist and agnostic phase. All this happened when I was 12-14. 

I remember at this time I also had my hyper rationalist phase as well. I thought religion was insane and that people were being too emotional and how nothing good comes from that except dissemination and violence. I think my emotionally unavailable upbringing also contributed heavily to this but yeah, 13 year old me thought she was a genius for suppressing all of her emotions and being purely logical. This was also around the time I was still in my "not like other girls" phase (though that phase started back when I was 9 or so) and basically my thought process was femininity=emotion=irrational=not valuable. But I think the most valuable thing that came out of this stage of my life was me trying to learn how to think critically. I also studied psychology and some philosophy at this time because I wanted to understand people's irrational impulses and emotions and how to keep those in check in order to thrive in life. Though that didn't manifest in the healthiest ways, it did create a foundation of self awareness and impulse control because even now I pause at the heat of the moment of things and I try to asses the situation internally and externally, weigh my pros and cons, and see what is the best course of action strategically and morally. Nowadays, I also added emotional well being into consideration but that wasn't on my radar back when I was 14 because I thought emotions were weak and stupid. Looking back, even though some things were limited and really cringy, I think overall having a solid foundation of blue and orange saved me a lot of trouble growing up. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Coming Out as a "Spiritual" Person 

Recently I realized that one of the blockages I have in the way of showing up as my most authentic self is the shame I have surrounding my interest in self improvement and spirituality. I came up with a bunch of reasons as to why that is so in order to reflect and get off my chest.

1. Fear of being irrational: As someone who has been into new agey topics and self improvement for the last few years, I have come across my fair share of craziness and I have encountered a lot of questionable things in the self help industry. And I'm afraid of being associated with that if I come out and say that I'm into spirituality or self development. I don't want people to automatically assume that I'm some type of irrational crazy crystal person. Nothing wrong with collecting crystals but I'm just talking about how mainstream society views people like that.  I don't want to be associated with the Tony Robbins or Tai Lopez types. I feel that new age spirituality and self development has a lot to offer but that stuff gets clouded by a lot of pseudoscience and I'm afraid to be associated with the pseudoscientific side of things. 
2. Being a caricature of brown people: I have noticed that white people have a very limited view of what South Asia is like. Without getting too into that whole can of worms, I want to mainly underscore how white people see South Asia as this birth place of spirituality and how it's like their self actualization play ground. Think about the eat pray love types who go into the slums of India and are like wOW looK aT HOw HapPY tHEy arE eVEn ThouGH tHeY haVE SO littLE. They take their "spiritual awakening" and then they go back to their cushy lives. And there is a part of me that is scared of being lumped into the stereotype of the spiritual mystical brown person. I'd say the history of white people appropriating eastern culture during the hippie revolution in the 70s has a part in this. 
3. Fear of looking crazy: This is similar to the fear of being irrational but I'd put this on it's own separate category. I'm scared of looking crazy when I talk about my insights or my experiences especially if they have to do with the law of attraction or how connected everything is. I feel like people won't get it and then I'll look like some type of space cadet with a tin foil hat. Then there are just somethings that I'm into that I know aren't mainstream like spiral dynamics. I would love to talk about it but I'm afraid people won't get it or won't care to understand it because I'm not that good at explaining and because I don't think anyone would watch Leo's series on spiral dynamics (lets be real that's like 16 hours of content). It's just that the stuff that I'm into, it takes some work to figure out what it's about before really being able to discuss it. The same goes for things related to consciousness and the concept of nonduality. 
4. Fear of people thinking I'm in a cult: I really like actualized.org and I want to share with more people but I'm afraid that if I do that people would think I'm pushing a cult onto them especially with the stigma of psychedelics and the whole iM GOd rhetoric. Not saying it's true or false but if someone finds this and they don't know anything about consciousness, eastern spirituality, or nonduality, the whole thing is going to look awfully cult like. I mean, guy on drugs claiming he's god and has a whole following, sounds like a whole trope. 

Sometimes I feel like I have to put disclaimers up whenever I talk about these types of things. Like no I don't think you can cure cancer with essential oils, and no I don't think that everyone can pull themselves up from their bootstraps. And no, I'm not a dogmatic religious person. I feel like the reason why I was able to benefit so much from new age spirituality as well as basic self development was the way I differentiated the quality of my sources. It's not like I'm out here on a breatharian diet purchasing a bunch of get rich quick scheme courses who thinks COVID is some type of hoax. I also think I did a good job in picking out valuable pieces of advice from the harmful stuff that's out there. Of course, I have my blind spots but I try to be critical of those too. But my main thing is that I'm not going in here blind without thinking for myself. 

Edited April 22, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Coming Out as a Spiritual Person: A Reflection on My Reflection

I think  writing out the previous post helped me clear my head more. 

I just began thinking of this friend I had who told me that she was really getting into Kpop. She told me how she is always hesitant to tell people that she is interested in Kpop because she doesn't want to be associated with the crazy 12 year old fans who believe that they will marry an idol and who go bat shit crazy when they see the idol living a normal life. I never thought of my friend as anywhere near crazy as the fans that Kpop is associated with because I knew her and even if I didn't, she didn't give off that type of fanatical energy because of the way she explains why she likes what she likes. She told me that she was uncomfortable with telling anyone this because of the way Kpop fans were perceived and I remember thinking about how she probably missed out on connecting with a lot of people because she was hiding her interests and authenticity.

I guess every group of interests have crazy fanatics or extremists but that doesn't mean I should dim my own authentic passions and what brings me joy. I'm not unusual for having these interests and I'm sure that there are plenty of people who would be open to the ideas I'm exposed to in a moderated light that I resonate with anyway. I tend to think things through well so I doubt that I come off as a fanatic so I don't think that's a problem. I think my problem is my self image and what I think people will think of me. After all, in the end of the day, I don't know what other people think of me nor is it any of my business and if I have any inkling of what other people might be thinking, that's just a projection of what I think of myself. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Digital Self Harm and Masochistic Epistemology

The section between 22:40 and 30:36 talks about digital self harm and masochistic epistemology. 

I hate to admit it but find myself relating to these terms 

Contrapoints talks about digital self harm and how people seek out information that hurts them and that might not be rational to reaffirm their limiting beliefs and their world view. It's about having a masochistic epistemology which means what ever hurts must be true. 

The reason why I relate to this is because sometimes I catch myself going to the dating section of this forum or I check up on someone going on a racist rant and I'm always tempted to respond or to follow along and watch the drama unfold. But this literally does nothing but reaffirm my limiting beliefs around dating which consists of men being trash, I'm never going to find a decent man, and that men are manipulative misogynistic creeps who only value women for their youth and beauty and once women turn 25, they start losing their value. I know the average man isn't some red pilled scumbag but if you have been locked in the house in the pandemic for a year and the only man you associate with on a regular basis and who is not related to you is the guy at the Cinnabon drive through, you can't help but fill in the gaps of your experience based on the few things scumbags say online and have your views on what men are really like get distorted. As a result, I've been trying to cut back on what I see on this forum and mind my own damn business in my journal. I'm getting better at it but there is room for a lot of improvement. 

Another instance of this is how fatalistic I got with my world view when it came to capitalism. The pandemic uncovered a lot of messed up systems in society and I'm pretty sure a large portion of the youth has some form of critique against capitalism whether they realize that or not. And plus, I'm locked in the house all day with nothing to do except watch left tube so I started getting really pessimistic of what the future held. It's to the point where in my mind I was like this weed smoking hippie that didn't want to get a job because that seemed like emotional suicide. My rational mind knows that's not the case but the irrational part of me just associates work with abusive bosses and being paid slave wages or if I am making money, working crazy hours and having my labor be exploited until I can't mentally or physically continue. Yikes. Yeah I cut down on leftist media, forced myself to get an internship, and I'm working through my limiting beliefs around money. Don't get me wrong, I still believe that there are systemic issues with the way capitalism is structured but the difference is that now I try to be aware of it instead of constantly focusing on it and causing myself to spiral.  

And finally, I remember when I got rejected by all the schools I wanted to go to in my senior year of high school, I came across this channel that would basically say things like if you don't go to Harvard and kiss the ass of the people above you that you are going to be poor and miserable for the rest of your life. It reaffirmed the negative thoughts I was having about myself at my time of vulnerability. But then I found that this guy was a part of the alt right and I kept getting recommended red pill stuff so then he lost all credibility in my eyes and I never returned to his channel or similar channels ever again. 

I noticed that with red pill in general, I can't stomach that type of thing. I try to be open minded and take things with a grain of salt and a lot of times I can do that but when it comes to red pill people, I can't deal with them without feeling like trash about myself. Just goes to show that I still have a lot of healing to do. In the mean time, I mean I already stay away from red pill sites in general, but I should mute people like that on this site because I'm not mentally in the place to read what they have to say. Like it's to the point where I started questioning my own sexual boundaries (YIKES)  and I catch myself feeling more and more pessimistic about my dating prospects.

I think the whole thing with masochistic epistemology is present with guys who have issues with dating on this site. They believe that you have to have all of this money and status to even get a girl and that everything is hopeless but even when people try to explain that this is not the case, they get all defensive and then it devolves into a gender war. These guys aren't wealthy or powerful, they are using this rhetoric to hurt themselves and get into a fatalistic spiral about how men like them can't get laid and how women have it better and that they are gold digging whores by nature, annnnnnd next thing you know you get a bunch of red pill ideology. It isn't reassuring for them to be proved wrong, they find comfort in their pain even if it is delusional.  And I play a part in that and in a way I'm no better because I'm still engaging in digital self harm by tuning into bad faith threads and comments that do nothing but make me feel like trash. 

But yeah, something like pessimism can be very addictive. I think people sometimes tend to want to be right than to be happy. It's the path of least resistance and a survival mechanism. In ancient times, it's better to assume you're right about there being a tiger behind the bush than to incorporate ~positive thinking~ and figure that it's just the wind. The former negative thinking keeps you safe while the later can get you killed if you are wrong. There is a sense of safety that is associated with being right. I think it can also be seen with people preferring familiarity over what will make them happy even when that familiarity is something like a bad habit. Reaffirming a negative world view can be reassuring. It can make you feel like you are right and that you aren't alone.  

[soos_mite_ah]

@modmyth My dad is more of the rationalist type while my mom is rather religious. Even though my mom is religious and is Hindu, she has a I guess more traditional/ surface level view of Hinduism (I say surface level because her worship doesn't include things regarding nonduality and traditions of that sort). My dad is kind of open to things like karma, past lives and things of that nature mainly because of where he grew up. But even then, if I start talking about oneness and things of that nature, I'm pretty sure I'd be labeled as one of the crazy hippy types. 

I consider myself fairly open to new agey concepts. Even when I take things with a grain of salt, there is still this sense of intrigue when it comes to mystical topics and experiences. I personally don't have experiences with anything paranormal but I guess the  closest thing I dealt with is sleep paralysis but I'm pretty sure there is a scientific explanation for that (as in my mind is half awake and is playing tricks on me in a partially dreamlike state) and it's not just demons. There is this book that I read recently called Extraordinary Knowing by Elizabeth Mayer and it talks about people's intuition, clairvoyance, ESP, and other paranormal phenomenon can be explained if you view everything as being connected and based in consciousness rather than materialism. It also talks about some of the epistemic issues with science and rationality and how deviations shouldn't be just thrown out as a statistical anomaly or error rather it needs to be looked at further.  

I find the whole hippie revolution really interesting especially when it comes to how people in India and Bangladesh saw it at the time. My dad was a teenager in the mid 70s and so he remembers the narrative behind all of this. People over there saw hippies as crazy rich white people doing crazy white people things. The general perception was that they were rich, gave up their wealth, and now sit around doing drugs and avoid showers.

But when it comes to the Beetles specifically, a lot of older Bangladeshi people have a really positive view of them because the Beetles raised a lot of money for humanitarian efforts during the 1971 Liberation War when Bangladesh (then East Pakistan) fought for their independence from Pakistan. The money was used to help refugees from the war as well as raise awareness for the atrocities that were happening in that region. 

Because there wasn't much of a South Asian population in the U.S. during the 70s, there wasn't much of a collective backlash or outrage because the people who would be outraged simply weren't present. But if something like the hippie revolution happened today, I'm sure it would be surrounded by a bunch of people talking about cultural appropriation. I wonder what it would've been like being a brown person back then but I don't know anyone near me who was in the U.S. during that time. The people I know who immigrated to the U.S. mainly came in the 90s and early 2000s. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Pandemic Angst 

I feel like I complain about the pandemic quite a bit in my journal. I'm pretty sure for most people I sound like I'm weak and I'm unable to cope and adapt with the changing times. 

Sometimes I think about the things I would ask my older self if I got a chance to talk to her. I go through this though exercise every now and then or so. I remember what I was like at 16, the things I was going through at the time, and the hopes and plans I had for the future. Back then when I was 16 I remember imagining what it would be like to have a conversation with my 21 year old self, where she would be in life, what kind of person she would have grown into, how she perceives the world. And now at 21, at the other side of the conversation, I can imagine that conversation being disheartening and me glossing over things so that 16 year old me would have some type of hope for the future. 

At 16 I remember diving into working on myself and understanding my childhood trauma. Whenever things would get unbearable I would think something along the lines of "hey I need to just get through 4 years of high school and then I'll be free. I can get the help I need, I can become who I'm meant to become, and I can do what I genuinely want to do." I worked really hard in school and I pushed away some of the experiences I guess a lot of my peers would be having, dating, parties, getting in trouble, doing fun crazy shit, things of that nature because in my mind I had a larger vision. I mean, we all know the real fun will happen in college. I can't say that I romanticized college. My expectations were simple. I was going to go to good school, study something I'm interested in, make some friends, have some fun experiences along the way, and then graduate. Or at the very least get out my parents' house and get help for the damage they caused.  

UHHHHH............. yeah 21 year old me didn't have most of that. Like I don't know how I would explain the pandemic to my 16 year old self in a way that wouldn't drive her to wanting to jump out of a plane without the parachute. 

First year and a half of my college experience was me piecing my life together after getting out of my parents' house. I knew damn well that I didn't turn out fine and that I needed to work on myself to have a foundation of being a stable, functioning adult. The very first day, before my classes even began, at 8 am I went to the health center to do whatever I needed to do in order to get free therapy sessions. The following 3 semesters where emotionally and physically taxing. I didn't have typical college experiences, nor did I have the time or energy to make friends. I thought my college experience was atypical but I had no idea how absurd it was going to turn into. The fourth semester however was when I finally started seeing some of the fruits of my labor. I began feeling like who I was meant to be and I'd say January -March 2020 were probably the happiest moments of my life. 

And then I moved back to the unhealthy environment I was raised in and while I didn't revert to who I was before I worked on myself, I acquired a whole new flavor of crazy because of everything that was happening. Everything is online. I live with my parents. I'm paying full price for a college experience I am not even having. And I'm in the constant state of existential crisis because I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. 

On one hand, I feel like I haven't aged since this began. I still feel like a 19 year old who turned 20 a few months back. The fact that I can legally buy alcohol doesn't even register in my mind. I feel emotionally frozen in a sense especially because I'm in my childhood bedroom and back in my hometown. It also doesn't help that my parents still treat me like I'm 16. And finally, I haven't accumulated many life experiences that would make me grow, explore who I am as a person, and become more confident and independent. 

On the other hand, I feel like this forced me to skip over my youth. Again, I didn't experience much of it in high school because I made college to goal. I didn't get to experience it in year and a half of "normal" college I had. And I'm sure as hell not experiencing it now because I'm basically locked in my room all the time. I guess you could say that I am getting a lot of life experiences and I am growing and exploring who I am as a person through journaling, contemplating, and working through various things, but the life experiences in question are traumatic. In the last year, my family had financial issues, my parents are scared for their lives because they are at the at risk category, my mom's anxiety is on over drive and she takes it out on both me and my dad causing us to be more paranoid about the situation than I guess the normal person, we had our shit stolen and were scared of break ins, we didn't have a steady amount of income (thank god we had savings or else we would be struggling), I had my fair share of health issues and mental health problems so bad to where I ended up in the hospital and had to go to numerous doctors which would've caused us to be in debt if it weren't for our savings and insurance, and finally I'm taking a break from school.  

It's like my age has been frozen and interrupted at the same time. 

In the thought exercise, I imagine my 16 year old self asking me, my 21 year old self, if things got better, if I found healing, if I made myself a new life that fits me better than the old one. And I don't know how much of the truth I would tell her. 16 year old me hung on to the future hoping that if she worked hard now whether it was in school or on herself that she will have a much better life in the future. I don't know what I would tell her. I guess no not yet, I'll have to refer you to my 26 year old self because things are uncertain now.

I have the same questions now about whether things will get better and I want to ask my 26 year old self. I know my 26 year old self is looking at me from her memories. I'm nervous. I hope to god she doesn't feel the same way I feel about what I would say to my 16 year old self when she looks at me.  

Also there are reports saying how this will go on til 2024. I saw a tiktok about a guy my age talking about how he is pissed on how rona basically stole his early 20s and then was like, you know what I'm going to subtract 4 years from my age when this is all over because time is a human construct anyway. Like, I know he is joking, but lowkey, I want to have the same mindset lol.  

Edited April 26, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Shame Around Being Socially Awkward Part 1: Why Do I Think I'm Awkward

On 4/10/2021 at 6:04 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I have dealt with much of what was on the original list [of things I'm ashamed of] 

Now it's time to make a new list 

• My weird hobbies that often involve self development and spirituality 
• My boundaries and what I want in a relationship and how I don't want to have sex outside of a committed relationship
• Any amount of social awkwardness 
• Returning back to school and facing my professors (this is more anxiety inducing but the root of it is shame regarding competence) 

Since the list is relatively short, I think I'm going to introspect and journal about them in my main journal. 

So I'm going to be journaling and exploring why I am ashamed of any amount of social awkwardness. I'm going to start off with what I perceive as awkward on my end in the first place. 

The first 3 things have to do with my basic sense of shyness. 

Nervous about my interests: Did a whole post on how I'm self conscious about talking about spirituality and self development. I guess I could add that I have been spending a lot of time on myself to work through the issues in my life but that's typically not something that you could talk about with someone you aren't close to. I'm nervous about oversharing and making myself look mentally unhinged. As a result, I tend to under share about myself irl and I cope by getting the other person to talk about their interests and experiences so that I won't have to reveal anything about myself. I do reveal things eventually but only after I feel that the person can handle it depending on what I know about them.  

Being nervous around guys who I know are interested in me: I'm probably going to a whole post about this afterwards to delve in my perceptions of men. But I guess one of the big things is that I'm not used to male attention. I didn't catch anyone's eye through high school and middle school and then suddenly when I got to college I got guys hitting on me. And it wasn't just people in my college, a large portion of them were just people in public. It's just that, because I didn't encounter many situations like this growing up, I don't know what to do or how to react when something like this does happen. I just resort to saying thank you if a guy tells me I'm pretty followed by giggling nervously and trying to play off my awkwardness as me being shy and flattered so that it comes off as cute instead of weird. Most of this is lack of experience coming off as nervousness rather than nervousness tbh. 

Running out of things to say: I know silences are normal in a conversation but I'm nervous when I simply run out of things to say to the other person and I'm nervous that one of those awkward silences will last too long. I feel like it would make me seem uninteresting, as though if I don't have anything to talk about, people will think I probably don't have a life, I don't have interests, and I'm not doing anything with my life. I think the pandemic REALLY emphasized this because I definitely don't have a life now and as a result, I have even less things to talk about. This one thing gives me so much social anxiety. 

The next 3 things have to do with symptoms of my ADHD. I manage my ADHD well and I don't have a problem with functioning because I have really good coping skills but I don't like it when it slips out in social circumstances.

Rambling: Contradictory to me feeling self conscious about running out of things to say, I'm also nervous about rambling. Hell, I found myself being hesitant to write long posts in my journal because of this. I'm afraid of things being one sided, the other person being bored or confused with all that I have to say. I don't want to lecture to someone because I think it would be unempathetic, rude, and not conducive to bonding with someone. I've also been constantly told as a kid by my peers and the adults around me that I talk too much and that no one cares about what I have to say and I'm pretty sure that has caused me to retreat and be shy for a chunk of my life. 

Interrupting: This doesn't happen that often but I cringe at myself every time I get too excited about a topic or contributing to a conversation to where I interrupt someone. I feel like I'm being unempathetic to the other person and that I'm revealing myself to be a hyper active person with no impulse control. But at the same time, sometimes I feel the need to do this or else the other person will keep talking and I won't get a chance to express my point of view (this is rare though but I still feel bad when this happens). 

Talking too fast, stuttering, filler words and not making sense: My mind goes a million miles per hour sometimes. I can have 20 different ideas in a matter of a second. But it takes time to articulate all that and sometimes I feel like my mind moves faster than my ability to express myself. It's the reason why I can't write in journals. I have to type because or else I can't keep up with myself. The thing with writing is that I can organize my thoughts and rearrange them to where they would make sense. With  speaking on the other hand... well there is no backspace for my mouth. I'm scared of being seen as confusing, crazy, and not pleasant to be around because of this. 

This last one doesn't fall in any category, it's just kind of there tbh. 

Coming off as too positive: I have been told that I come off as positive and really confident by the way I carry myself and that I look like I have my life together. I have a weird relationship with coming off as positive. For a large chunk of my life I was angsty, depressed, and always ranting about something because being annoyed was basically my sense of humor. I had a group of friends but I thought that maybe I'd be more well liked if I was happy and bubbly. I don't know if I watched too much Charisma on Command the summer before college in order to reinvent myself or I read too many self help books talking about how people don't like being around negative people and how to be liked you have to be positive and upbeat. But when I eventually did get to a happier place in my life and I naturally came off as bubbly, I noticed that people still didn't like me and probably thought I was annoying for being a happy person. I'm afraid of coming off as a Tony Robbins sales person type of personality. I don't know how to describe it but it's like the the snake oil sales man type who acts happy and confident but it also looks really fake as if they are trying to craft this charismatic persona instead of being their normal self.  I know positivity can be toxic and cold when it's not backed up with empathy but I am still pretty empathetic (though I might not be as warm....?idk man). I know people have told me that they found me intimidating when they talk to me.  I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Me being negative would be me being a downer no one likes but me being positive would be me being a deluded idiot who is happy all the time because there is this assumption that I'm not aware of the awful stuff in the world or someone who is on a different plane of existence because I have my life together. As a kid I got bullied for being happy, bubbly, and nice, and as a teenager I got criticized for being angsty. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to be socially normal ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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And honestly, I don't know how much is me being hyper critical of myself because I went through a phase where I was weird and socially awkward in my early teen to preteen years (like many people) and this is me overcompensating, or how much of this is me cringing at myself because of my sense of self awareness and then how much of that self awareness is valid at the moment. I have talked about this with friends before and all of them tell me that I'm not awkward at all and if anything I come off as really socially competent. I think part of me still caries the self image of me from when I was 11-13 and socially awkward followed by when I was shy and quiet from 14-16.

 

Edited April 27, 2021 by soos_mite_ah