The Joy Journal

[soos_mite_ah]

Relatability Humor: Making Fun of People in Your Community and Perpetuating Stereotypes

I really liked this video and I feel like it can also apply to South Asian communities as well mainly on the internet but in different ways. I've been reflecting that lately 

I think for me when it comes to relatability humor, I tend to fall back on making fun of the aunties I have had to deal with, I know a lot of my other brown friends have a tendency of doing the same thing and I'm sure we use humor as a way to cope. A lot of older Indian women who have immigrated from India including my own mother tend to be rather regressive around women's rights and tend to put other women down. And it can be difficult to have to see the woman who is supposed to teach you how to be a woman in a conscious way criticize you over petty things and doubling down on patriarchal notions of what it means to be a woman. Most of the humor that I notice with brown people poking fun at their own communities comes with a critique about social issues as well as the double standards that are present between men and women. While humor can be a more constructive way to address our issues and laugh at them instead of dismissing them, I think it's also important to think about context as well in regards to why some people are the way they are and what social expectations and structures contributed to it. A lot of these stereotypical aunties are gossipy because they don't have much going on in their lives. Why? Because some didn't get much of an opportunity to figure themselves out and explore life as a whole because I mean you can't have a woman run wild "what will people say???" I think a lack of life experiences has a major role in being judgmental and anxious about seemingly trivial things. 

Then you have South Asian Americans also making fun of FOBs (Fresh of the Boats) when it come to different attitudes and cultural differences. Some of it is funny like the time when my uncle was pressed about drinking sweet tea because why tf would tea be served cold and with no milk lol. But some of it can be pretty racist. Like I remember back in high school there was the whole "send bobs and vagene" memes that were going around making fun of indian guys who are creepy and awkward. While I know brown people can make fun of it because those people do exist, albeit they few and far between, it feels hella racist when white people jump on the band wagon. 

There is this whole trope of brown men being emasculated and seen as a laughing stock that can't get a girlfriend. It's a common media stereotype to portray Asian men like this. The Big Bang Theory and how they portray Raj is a good example of this. And because of this, I think that's why you have the brown fuckboys that try to act  black (I swear we all know that one brown guy who thinks it's ok to say the n-word). Asian men are typically emasculated while black people as a whole tend to be portrayed in a hype masculine light. This can especially be seen with black women and how they are routinely seen as less feminine but that's a whole nother topic. I'd imagine that if you are in the position where you are emasculated for whatever reason, there is the temptation to swing in the other direction and try to portray this hyper masculine image. And to a lot of brown guys, curating that hyper masculine image comes with appropriating black culture which isn't ok in the slightest. There is also a lot to be said about anti-black sentiments in Asian communities due to the whole model minority myth that pits Asian people against Black and Latino people as a way to invalidate the institutionalized racism that BIPOC experience.  Then there is the whole colonial narrative of brown men being creeps and predators and them being more of a threat to brown women than the Europeans were. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the "send bobs and vagene" trope isn't something new from a historical sense. 

And of course there are people who think that brown people are more sophisticated and less backwards than people back in India. I didn't see that type of humor that much growing up but I did talk to older brown people (roughly 10-15 years older than me) and they told me stories of how they were more insecure about their South Asian identity because when their families immigrated to the U.S. in the mid-late 80s and early 90s, there wasn't as much of a brown community in the U.S. then so there was more of a pressure to conform to whatever their white peers were doing because you didn't find as many people to relate to. 

Finally, we have the non-South Asian people who think it's ok to make fun of South Asian people. I feel like racism against Asian Americans socially is less addressed. Part of it goes back to the whole model minority myth as well as Asian people having less representation in terms of population size. I remember people in my school would do an impression of an Indian accent to make fun of a teacher and I tried to brush it off as oh they are making fun of this particular teacher, not brown people as a whole. Looking back I'm just like *that waaaasn't okkkkk......* Again, a lot of it probably has to with Asian issues not being taken seriously because most of our issues aren't to the same extremes as BIPOC. It's true, we don't face the same struggles that BIPOC typically face. Comparing the issues and the circumstances of Asian Americas and BIPOC are like comparing apples to oranges. But in the end of the day, racism is still racism, there is no need to play the who is the most oppressed olympics, and I shouldn't have let that type of thing slide. I was complicit. Hell, I don't even feel comfortable doing an Indian accent when I'm engaging in relatability humor because I'm afraid of doing the accent wrong and making a caricature out of brown people and because that's not how I talk. So my non-brown friends sure as hell shouldn't have been doing that. 

Edited March 8, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Dating Cynicism 

On 3/5/2021 at 11:16 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I want to be emotional without being dismissed as being crazy. I want to be emotional without feeling like I need to be fixed or that there is something wrong with me.
I want to be vulnerable without fearing that someone would take advantage of that and see that as an opportunity to be controlling. I want to feel like I can be safe in a relationship psychologically without needing to be this perfect person with no vulnerabilities and dysfunctions. I don't want to constantly work on myself and feel like in order to be in a healthy relationship that I have to have my life 100% together. 

I really crave and want a guy who will be emotionally available, supportive, gentle, and all around just not an asshole. And sometimes I feel like I'm asking for too much because the men around me are absolute messes. The bar is on the floor. 

I try to avoid the dating and relationship section because for some reason this site attracts a bunch of insecure and misogynistic "nice guys." It just makes me feel cynical about dating. Like, damn.... this is the pool I'm dealing with. Sometimes I hate that I have the audacity to be romantically attracted to a man. 

On 3/6/2021 at 9:02 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I think that's a reason why I get tired of dating so easily. I know it takes effort but because it isn't much of a priority and I've been taught that it shouldn't be a priority, I never felt compelled to taking dating seriously.

And in addition to being tired of dating because of the priorities I had growing up, on second thought, I don't think I get tired of dating because I lack discipline and grit rather I get tired of dating because I have to exert emotional labor into screening guys to make sure they aren't trash. There is a thread on this site that I contributed to recently and initially started with a few women talking about a Teal Swan video and how they felt it represented what a woman wants in a relationship. That thread devolved into a "nice guy" fiasco and strayed far from the original topic. I will admit that I had a hand in this because of a few salty comments. But I just felt exhausted at the end of that conversation. As of now, the topic is still open but I decided to not read anymore or comment because I'm just done. 

There is also a variety of men on this site from a range of ages. I always naively believed in middle school and high school that once I grow up, the men around me will mature and I'll find some decent options. I was told that I'll have a better time dating when I get older.

 Nah, men are immature and misogynistic throughout all ages. Some of them simply don't grow up. 

As much as I want to be in a loving and supporting relationship, I'm so tired of screening guys only to find that they ain't shit. I'm tired of dealing with the bs that men spout out especially on the topic of female sexuality. I hate being mansplained on my own tastes and experiences as a woman.

I wish men were decent so I wouldn't have to put in all this effort into screening to ensure that I don't end up in the claws of someone who will mistreat me. I hate feeling like I have to be on guard like this because all I wanted was to surrender and feel safe in the first place. 

Edited March 9, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Videos That Spark Joy 

 

Edited March 9, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

The Illusion of Memory 

I had a dream last night where I was searching for a nose ring. I was 26 years old and living in my own apartment. I was feeling really nostalgic and I wanted to recreate a look from my teens. I drove to my parents house and dug through my things. Everything looks very futuristic. It was like a mix between the aesthetics of Tron Legacy and Meet the Robinsons (now that I think about it a lot of my dreams have a futuristic aesthetic, I wonder what that might mean). But while I was in this dream, I didn't think anything of it. This was my reality in this state of consciousness. 

My parents' house in my dream and my parents' house in real life look very different but I wasn't aware of that when I was in this dream. I dug through old makeup palettes and started thinking of all of the memories I had of giving my friends makeovers and how I was really into costume design. I was looking for this nose ring because it felt so quintessential to my teenage years. As I searched for this nose ring I started thinking of how I spontaneously decided to get my nose pierced when I was hanging out with my friends, how my family was generally supportive of this decision and thought I looked badass. Then, when I found the nose ring, I tried to put it on. There was a hole in my nose to where I could do that but it was difficult because it closed up a little from me not wearing nose rings all the time any more. 

Then I woke up. I still remember the dream clearly to where I can point out not only what I saw and experienced in my dream but also what my thoughts and feelings were amidst the dream. The memories I talked about were all an illusion. In my real life none of those things happened. I was never into makeup, my parents house looks completely different, I sure as hell don't have a nose piercing, and if I got one spontaneously (which I know I wouldn't do because I'm scared of sharp things) my parents wouldn't have been supportive.  But when I was in this dream, all of these memories felt so natural, so real. 

I have encountered this idea of our memories being an illusion in other places. In spiritual topics, there is this concept of all memories and future planning being an illusion because the only thing that exists is the present. The rest is simply your imagination and you telling stories about yourself to preserve the idea that there is a you. In psychology I learned about how the brain can distort memories for self interest, how false memories can be implanted through manipulation, and how memories can erode with time because when we remember something, we don't remember the actual thing rather we think back to the last time we thought about such a thing. There was also the concept of how we don't remember things as they happened rather we only remember them as they relate to us.

So in other words, intellectually I came to the conclusion that it's important to be critical of your own experiences because the way we perceive and remember direct experiences can be skewed even when they feel so real. But emotionally, I guess it didn't click until this morning when I woke up. My "dream reality" and my "real reality" feel much more subjective, much more illusory. The lines have blurred for me. This was an interesting experience. I guess I'm going to go and have an existential crisis now  

[soos_mite_ah]

Turning Competence into an Identity Part 1: The Desire to "Get My Life Together"

This series is going to be all over the place because there are so many intersections between different issues in my life. I feel like my issues with competence as an identity is the linchpin to a lot of problems. There are so many layers and contributing factors to this so there's a lot to unpack. 

I really got into self development back when I turned 16. My 16th birthday marked me being depressed and anxious for half my life because of my household. I wanted to die because I'm like, the majority of my life is just pain, what's left to look forward to. I mean, it's never going to get better." But I decided to try to get better anyway. I researched the best ways to deal with my anxiety and depression and later on I made an effort to understand the abuse that happened to me as well as how that has impacted me and my mental state. I know plenty of people who didn't unpack their trauma from their childhood only to suffer more consequences when they grew up. 

My childhood was a mess and I didn't want my adulthood to be the same. So I made it a priority to clear out any trauma I had, build a solid life for myself etc. I also had anxiety with turning 18 and being considered an adult. I felt like I had this pressure on me to have everything figured out from where I was going to school, what I was going to study, what kind of job and life style I wanted to lead, etc. There is a variety of factors that went into this anxiety: 

Firstly, you have my parents and the whole model minority myth. I feel like in brown communities, people scrutinize your every move and you can'td make a mistake without being judged by an army of uncles and aunties.  Even if that mistake didn't hurt anyone and is just a part of the learning process into becoming a more developed person, the community won't see that and will basically hold it against you for god knows how long. There is a this emphasis of saving face. There was no "learn by making your own mistakes." Instead I got the message that if I mess up, my life is basically ruined. Instead there was a lot of shame and a lot of "what will people say?" 

Next, I experienced the death of someone close to me. My grandmother passed away in February 2016. While I wasn't close with her, she did live with my and my parents so when she died, there was this constant reminder of her not being there anymore. I also don't have family in the U.S. other than my parents so essentially when she died, it was like losing a third of my family. While the grief did eventually pass, for me, the bigger issue was the existential crisis. I'm not that good with dealing with death. I especially wasn't good at that back then because of limited life experience and a lack of tools from my parents of how to deal with difficult emotions. Being confronted with death, as cliché as it may be, made me reevaluate my life and what I wanted to do. I wanted to make sure that I had a solid life plan and a solid set of values so that I wouldn't put myself in a position where I feel like I'm regretting or wasting my life in misery. I try to be very well thought out when it comes to life decisions. 

Then finally, you have late capitalism. I'm sure I have touched on this in previous posts in this journal. I'm probably going to go into talking about my anxiety about finances and money in a different post after I'm done with this series. The whole notion that at 18 I have to make the decision to go to college and go into debt or not go to college and settle for a low paying job that won't let me live a decent quality of life (and by decent quality of life I mean one without financial struggle) hung over me growing up. In my mind, I had to get straight A's, got to an amazing school with a good scholarship, network my ass off when I'm there, and be this super powered machine that doesn't get tired or have emotions in order to not go into poverty. I can't mess up or else I'm going to be financially ruined, won't have a home, or won't be able to go to the doctor when I'm sick because of a lack of health care. I remember calculating what the standard of living I wanted to achieve was going to cost so that I could take that into consideration, along with my skills, interests, values, and goals in life in order to decide on a career path. I also taught myself basic financial literacy and how to do my taxes.

Mind you, this was all when I was 16. I feel kind of bad for my 16 year old self for feeling so pressed about the future and resorting to all this ruminating and researching that was largely fueled by anxiety. 16 year old me saw that the system wasn't working but still wanted to do everything in her power to build the foundation to one day live a life of peace and fulfillment. I found my tumblr account from like 2017 and I was expecting it to be cringe from where I am at now, but instead I saw a lot of cynicism because of  the 2016 election and Charlottesville, anxieties around racism/fascism, and a lot of liberal naiveite. I didn't understand the complexity of the systems I was upset about but looking back, I had a valid reason to be angsty.

I wish I felt like I could make mistakes when I was younger. Sure I'm glad that in my anxiety fueled madness I compelled myself to figure my life out, but I wish that I could have been more carefree and more self assured that everything was going to be ok. I wish that I could have that attitude now. I'm working on it. 

Edited March 10, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Turning Competence into an Identity Part 2: "Having My Life Together"

Eventually after doing years of self actualization work and a year or so in therapy, I did get to a better place emotionally. For a few months, I felt empty. I know that has a bad connotation but in reality it was really peaceful. Like I really got rid of a lot of gunk in my life and now I'm a  blank slate. I could be whomever I want to be. I cleared out a lot of my trauma and now I can build a more authentic identity, an identity that isn't rooted in pain or chaos.

I did notice at one point after I realized a lot of things that I considered me shed off of me like a snake shedding dead skin. Prior to all this work I had a really chaotic and pessimistic sense of humor, and angry sense of music, a life purpose that came out of pain, taste in friendships that weren't exactly the healthiest etc. A lot of things that used to resonate with me just don't anymore even though I do have an appreciation of where I came from. But little did I know, I swung the pendulum too far in the other direction. My identity was no longer around dysfunction rather it was now around competence. 

The best place where this identity around competence was embodied was when I found this one YouTuber. I'm not going to name her because she's kind of a mess now and I do have some shame around being a follower at one point lol. She used to give life advice on how to deal with dating, setting boundaries with friends and family, body confidence, career advice, and confidence in general. Looking back I could say that I learned a lot but this source was a mixed bag. I didn't agree with everything she said and sometimes things would rub me the wrong way but when I would look at the comments, they would be overwhelmingly positive. I figured she deleted negative comments but something felt off. There was a part of me that felt gaslighted.

What was being gaslighted? She had some racist undertones in the way she talked about certain people. I could see she had a bias. She also had this huge bias against mental health. She labelled anxiety as being people being self centered and weak and how the disorder was over diagnosed. She talked about how depression should be something you're ashamed of because she was and how reaching out for help makes you look vulnerable and like you have a victim mentality. She also recommended that if you are depressed, you just aren't grateful enough so you need to guilt trip yourself into positivity and gratitude by making yourself volunteer. Nothing wrong with volunteering, the way she was approaching it set off alarm bells. There were some other things that were sketchy but I honestly wrote it off as entertainment value and didn't buy one moment of it. I brushed all of this off because I was getting a lot of good advice and I didn't want to throw the baby out with the bath water so to say. But even though she did have a lot of good advice in her earlier videos, she devolved into a really bitter and toxic person to where I felt the need to walk away. I watched her content for a solid year and then I stopped.

And even though I didn't agree with a lot of the harmful stuff she said, it did have an emotional impact on me. I always had some issue with vulnerability because my parents would always dismiss me when I was having unpleasant emotions or they would yell at me and say something along the lines of "what happened to our happy little girl? why are you doing this to us? Do you want us to be in pain?" I was expected to by happy all the time and any need I had was too much. That seed was already planted but this youtuber just watered that seed. After my new found peace and competence, I ended up defining myself based on how I over came my trauma and how I did it myself. I know getting through something difficult and coming out of the other side is something to be proud of, but like I said, I swung the pendulum to the other side. I had this notion in me that I didn't need anyone and that gave me issues with my friendships. I was taking to a friend a couple months  back and she mentioned that I put a quota on my friendships after I told her that if I had an issue, I had this rule with myself that I can only ask for help three times and that's it. The rest is up to me and my ability to cope whether it be alone or with a therapist. I was concerned with victim mentality.  I was concerned with being toxic for mentioning my problems too much because I didn't want to be the one that ruined a good time. It had to do with my parents telling me I was the bad guy for feeling what I felt and then having this youtuber double down on that by shaming people who had mental illness by painting all of them as toxic monsters. 

This youtuber also talked a lot about dating advice and how to avoid men who aren't good for you, what are the warning signs, and how to attract higher quality men. Most of it was good advice but again, it was mixed in with some sketchy aspects as well. I feel like I watched too many of those videos and absorbed too many women's dating horror stories to where I'm really guarded around men. Don't get me wrong, screening is important but when it gets to the point where you get really cynical about dating, start adopting a scarcity mindset around the availability of good men, and get scared to open up and be vulnerable for the fear of a guy emotionally taking advantage of you, it can get a bit much. I have already talked at length about my desire for "feminine containment" and being vulnerable with a guy who I think will treat me gently and have competence. I judge men on how competent they are but it isn't as harshly as I judge my own competence. 

Edited March 11, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Turning Competence into an Identity Part 3: My Relationship with Actualized.org

Another key component to my issues with competence involve my not so great relationship with self development. Because of my childhood experiences, I came at self development from the angle of "there is something wrong with me, I need to fix it in order to be worthy of connection." I have journaled about that at length sometime much earlier in my journal. I've been trying to integrate the notion that I am worthy and that self development won't make me a better person because whether or not you are developed has nothing to do with your worth. You were worthy in the begining, you are worthy now, and you will be just as worthy in the future. 

I would say that I get an immense amount of value from Actualized.org. But in this post I'm going to be talking about the downsides for me personally.

I find some material here rather extreme and not suitable for many people who need to go through basic self development first. Giving a depressed person the insight that you are nothing or a narcissist that you are god will do much more harm than good. I got that vibe from the first video I saw. 

I was going through my minimalism phase back in 2018 when I came across Leo. I was looking to declutter only to find god lol. 

There are lots of good insights here including slowing down to be more present, have a fewer number of priorities, making free time to think, prioritizing fulfillment over success, and being ok with the stillness of life instead of constantly doing things and being busy etc. The part that concerned me from the beginning was minimizing hobbies, socialization, relationships with people, doing activities with people, and just not having a life because they are all distractions. I'm pretty sure that people can take this all the way to the extreme and get the opposite effects. I did get fulfillment from implementing this type of life style. I have lived this way since late 2018. But now, I feel like it's not what I need anymore. I'm not in that phase of my life any more. Now it is becoming more of a hinderance. For the average person, telling them to leave their hobbies and close relationships sounds awfully cult like and isolating because the things that ground you aren't there. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for prioritizing quality over quantity when it comes to those thing but for many people, going all the way down to zero like that can breed stagnation or wouldn't be healthy at all. 

That's kind of the over all trend I see with a lot of Leo's videos. Mostly amazing stuff, but there is some things you want to be careful with and test out instead of diving in head first without contemplating and thinking for yourself whether or not that's a good decision. 

For me, I grew attached to detachment. I started detaching from a lot of things I liked and cared about, things that brought me fulfillment, personality traits, as well as tastes and preferences. I even went as far as to detach from a lot of my needs and some of my boundaries. To me all of these were survival and ego. On the plus side, it got rid of a lot of my happiness bottlenecks, it made me more flexible in my self concept, it made me more openminded, and it helped me get a good idea what I was doing out of distraction and what I was doing because I actually enjoy it. On the negative, I lost sight of who I was. I know people on this site might think it was a good thing but for me it was like I turned into a blob, like I didn't care about anything anymore, like I didn't have something grounding me. It really hit me when I was in the height of my ego backlash a few months back and my friend I called was like "I don't think you know who you are anymore" when I started talking about feeling like a blob and how I really isolated myself to where I wasn't acknowledging my social and emotional needs. The place where I went to far was detaching from my personality, my tastes, my needs, and my boundaries. 

Why was I so attached to detachment? Well, for me, the more I can minimize my needs and wants, the more competent I was. This goes along with the whole notion of self development making you a better person. This whole thing created a spiritual ego. It made me let go of things that spark joy (hobbies, quality relationships), things that ensure I'm emotionally and mentally secure (boundaries and needs), and my individuality (personality). I'm pretty sure some of it also turned into shadows because I let go of things prior to fully exhausting them. 

The more conscious I was, again the more competent I was. I kept hearing things like "everything is survival" and "we're all devils" without the warning of *hey there might be false equivalencies when we talk about the relative and the absolute* I'm not saying these things are false but I am saying that even if you understand this intellectually, you might not be emotionally ready to integrate it fully and if you rush that process, you could get repercussions. Especially when it comes to boundaries and needs, constantly thinking about how it's all survival , how it's all low consciousness, and how it's all selfish. Seeing those things in a negative light can be gaslighting to people who don't have a strong ego yet. That really rings true as someone with a spiritual ego. My spiritual ego beats me up for not being super peaceful and joyous even though the world around me is in chaos and it's understandable that I feel that way. It also roots back to my childhood and how I was expected to be happy all the time. I have this tendency of basing my worth on my emotional state. That isn't healthy and has led to problems recently which I'll get to on the next part.

I still feel like I'm in this ego backlash state and I don't think I'm in the place for advanced teachings at this moment because I need to meet my needs, not transcend them. Right now that means being gentle with myself and validating my needs and feelings.  Before transcending the ego it's important to built a strong, healthy ego. It's important to pace yourself and take breaks on this actualization journey. But I felt this need to rush because I tied my level of actualization to my worth and I wanted to be worthy as soon as possible. Here are more of my thoughts about survival and selfishness: 

I'm planning on taking a break from Leo's videos and the forum for a few months. I'm still going to be journaling and commenting occasionally but it's going to be at a minimum. I have mentioned this before and I'll say it again. I'm burnt out from actualizing and continuing without a break isn't good for me at the moment. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Turning Competence into an Identity Part 4: Having My Life Come Apart Again- Aspiration Towards Competence

Another really big reason why I strived for competence especially for my emotional state was because I wanted to step into my potential. Growing up I've been told that I'm wasting my potential because of my ADHD. My anxiety and depression especially in high school sucked the energy out of me. I felt like I was putting so much effort in just surviving that I wasn't putting that effort into thriving. This also meshes with how I held on to the label of being smart as a form of safety which I mentioned earlier in this journal. I placed a lot of my worth in what i was doing with my life and where I was. There was a part of me that took pride in the issues I've gone through and the lessons I learned from them. It made me feel like I was ahead of my peers.

This air of competence show up in the way that I talk, the way that I dress, and the way that I act. I've been told by people my age that I come off older because of it. That was mostly disheartening and isolating because I felt that people were intimidated by me and reluctant to even approach me. I felt a gap in between my experiences and my peers to the point where it almost felt like a power dynamic. Although my feelings toward how I was perceived was mainly negative, there was a tiny voice in my head that felt proud. Like I figured out life before a lot of people and as a result I can skip past the difficulties and the cringe worthy memories of making mistakes and instead go straight towards success faster. Again, it goes back to the whole rushing self development thing I talked about in my previous post. 

This sense of competence was very real. It showed up in my performance and the good habits that I was effortlessly implementing. That lasted from August 2019 to March 2020. In that period I finally felt like myself, finally felt like I was stepping into my potential. Annnd then I had to move back home because of the pandemic. 

I will admit, I was in a state of shock in the first few months. I started slipping around May 2020. Part of me was just in denial and out of tune with my emotional needs to the point where I didn't realize that things were getting bad for me mentally until shit hit the fan around September/October. Even before I went to the hospital, I was convinced that I could handle myself. And I couldn't. I have journaled about a lot of this in my previous posts. There was so much anxiety around school, my ability to handle life in general, and procrastination. Anxiety is the root of my procrastination which comes from perfectionism which relates to this need to feel competent. 

It hurts knowing that I finally got to a point where I was thriving only to have that taken from me right when I was just getting started. It made me think what was the point of getting my life together if I was only going to fall apart soon after. What's the point of living if misery is my default position. As March 13th, the anniversary of going into lockdown and having to move back to my parents' house, I do think about who I was this time last year. I feel like I was a different person. I miss her. She was so capable. And now I'm on medical leave from college and I will be graduating late. That hurts my ego because of the whole wanting to be ahead concept. But it also hurts because this was my first mistake that actually effects my life. This isn't some "oh I embarrassed myself in front of someone I like." No, my slipping mental health has actual consequences. It really set me back. And I was ashamed of all of this. I mentioned on one of my first posts in this series how well I tried to think things out because I felt like I didn't have a margin of error given my background and how competence was expected. This certainly applies here. That shame was eating me up inside as soon as last month

I have worked through that shame. Some of it is still there but I have made strides towards self forgiveness and gentleness. I can forgive my past self by employing empathy to her. She didn't know that this was going to be the consequences. She was caught choosing between sacrificing her physical health by going back to the dorms and sacrificing her mental health by remaining at home. She tried to consider every possible avenue and make the most selfless and informed decision based on what she knew then. There were so many unknown variables. Even looking back now, I'm not sure if things would have been better had I gone back to campus. I genuinely don't know. For all I know, I could have caught COVID-19, given my parents a panic attack and ended up in the hospital because my immune system isn't the best only to end up with medical leave again. I don't know what kind of road that choice would have led me and if it would have been better or worse than what I have had to face since October. There is no use in dwelling on what could have been. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Shame Revisited

On 2/1/2021 at 10:31 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Shame 

I have had a lot of shame built up in me in the last few years. I'm going to list somethings I'm currently ashamed of out as an effort to reflect so that I can make an effort to work through it. 

• my grades and performance in school
• my lack of direction when it comes to what I want to pursue as a career or how to get into grad school 
• my lack of social life 
• my weird hobbies that often involve self development and spirituality 
• how I feel like the trauma aged me 
• how I have been in hermit mode working on myself 
• how I'm taking time off of college to work on my mental health therefore making me graduate a year late
• not meeting my own potential/ feeling like a blob of wasted potential
• the fact that I'm on antidepressants 
• my neurosis since I base my self worth on my well being
• some of the fantasies I want to fulfill in a relationship 
• what I have to say (sometimes I wonder if what I have to say has any value at all) 
• how I have been taking things slow/ not performing like I used to- it makes me feel like I peaked in high school.  (I remember in high school I juggled a sport, get straight A's in honor's courses and community college classes, two volunteer jobs, an internship, extra curricular activities, and still had 80% of my energy left that I used to work on myself and my emotional traumas. Now, I can't even get straight A's in college and I have to keep a close eye on my mental health.) 
• questioning my sexual orientation 
• my physical health and how that has impacted the way I look 
• any amount of social awkwardness

I feel like in this last month or so I worked through a lot of shame. Even though I still have problems in my life, I no longer beat myself up for some of them. I see this as an example of being more gentle with myself. I'm proud of myself for that. I deleted all of my social media a while ago and I think that really helped me mind my own business. 

Edited March 11, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Turning Competence into an Identity Part 5: Things I Have Learned from Contemplating and Journaling About this Topic

I was contemplating about my relationship with competence as an identity for the last week or so. It was only yesterday where I felt that my thoughts were organized enough to put it into writing. And in doing so, it helped me recognize more clearly my takeaways from contemplating this subject, how I have grown, and some things I want to integrate going forward. Here it is. A TLDR of sorts: 

You don't have to have everything figured out. You have your whole life to do that, there is no need to rush the process of self development. There might be a pressure to for a variety of reasons but nothing is going to stop you from going at your own pace. You're always where you need to be. You are always in your potential. There is no race. There is no way you can be ahead or behind someone even if it might seem that way in different aspects of life. You're always going at your own pace whether you like it or not. The only illusion is the pressure you put on yourself and that's not doing anything but making the journey more difficult. And it's ok that you made the mistake to put that kind of pressure on yourself. That is understandable given the environment we're in. Being ahead is an illusion, because how can you be ahead if there is only you?  There is no set backs, no stagnation, no getting ahead even if we use those words because growth isn't a race and all of those things are projections from the ego in relation to where the ego wants to be in relation to where it feels it's at right now. 

Learning from your own mistakes is a very individualized process of self help. It's a given as a part of life as we are all given different circumstances to integrate and learn from. Sure you can learn from the life lessons of others and avoid the traps they went through. In fact that is a sign of wisdom. But even then, you will still have your own mistakes you're going to learn from. That's nothing to be afraid of or to beat yourself up for. It won't ruin your life even if you do have to deal with a set back. You will learn what you need to learn from it. We're all here to learn different things in our lives at our own pace. The mistakes and the lessons you learn from those mistakes are going to be different from that of other people and that's ok. 

Everything will be ok. You will figure things out in due time. 

It's also important to be mindful of the media you're consuming. Often times we think of toxic relationships in terms of family, friends, and significant others but considering parasocial relationships are also important. Your head might not agree with what's being said but you're heart and your subconscious mind is always listening. Even if you get a lot of value from a source, it's still important to consider the bad since the influence can still impact you. 

Your value and deservingness of help isn't determined by how good or bad your mental health state is. You're not a bad person for dealing with issues. You don't have to be 100% put together in order to be worthy of connection. You're not self centered or weak for having anxiety. You aren't ungrateful for having depression and it isn't a good idea to guilt trip yourself into being grateful because that isn't authentic. Adding more shame won't help your situation. Toxic positivity is very real. Depression isn't something to be ashamed of and expressing that you are upset doesn't automatically mean you're in a victim mentality and that you aren't taking responsibility. Competence and chaos are both a part of you. You are everything. There is no need to create a shadow by swing the pendulum in one way or the other. You don't have to peaceful and joyous all the time. What you feel is valid. 

It's ok to keep your hobbies and your friends. Your needs and boundaries are valid. They don't make you any less competent, any less conscious, or any less of a person. Transcending is important but so is honoring your form. Getting attached to detachment is a real thing. Again, don't rush the process of development, it isn't a good idea and you can misconstrue meanings to hurt yourself and others.. There are somethings you aren't ready to integrate because you haven't built a solid foundation or because you haven't exhausted a need yet. And that's ok. This isn't a race, you have your whole life to figure things out. Meet your needs, honor your boundaries, explore your personalities, hobbies, interests and preferences. You can do those things with a mindset of exploration rather than a mindset of attachment. Just because you know the self and it's needs are an illusion and based in survival/selfishness doesn't mean that you can't honor and cherish the illusion. That's why you came down to experience duality. Your needs are valid and it's important to be in touch with them. You aren't any less competent for having needs. Even if you achieve so called "enlightenment" you will still have needs and that's fine. 

All of the growth you did before is still there. It's just dormant because of your surroundings and circumstances. Your growth wasn't taken from you in this backlash. That person you miss from a year ago is still there. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Oooofff mood 

[soos_mite_ah]

Rejecting Humanness and Human Needs: Integration vs Transcendence 

On 3/10/2021 at 11:30 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Turning Competence into an Identity Part 3: My Relationship with Actualized.org

 

For me, I grew attached to detachment. I started detaching from a lot of things I liked and cared about, things that brought me fulfillment, personality traits, as well as tastes and preferences. I even went as far as to detach from a lot of my needs and some of my boundaries. To me all of these were survival and ego. On the plus side, it got rid of a lot of my happiness bottlenecks, it made me more flexible in my self concept, it made me more openminded, and it helped me get a good idea what I was doing out of distraction and what I was doing because I actually enjoy it. On the negative, I lost sight of who I was. I know people on this site might think it was a good thing but for me it was like I turned into a blob, like I didn't care about anything anymore, like I didn't have something grounding me. It really hit me when I was in the height of my ego backlash a few months back and my friend I called was like "I don't think you know who you are anymore" when I started talking about feeling like a blob and how I really isolated myself to where I wasn't acknowledging my social and emotional needs. The place where I went to far was detaching from my personality, my tastes, my needs, and my boundaries. 

Why was I so attached to detachment? Well, for me, the more I can minimize my needs and wants, the more competent I was. This goes along with the whole notion of self development making you a better person. This whole thing created a spiritual ego. It made me let go of things that spark joy (hobbies, quality relationships), things that ensure I'm emotionally and mentally secure (boundaries and needs), and my individuality (personality). I'm pretty sure some of it also turned into shadows because I let go of things prior to fully exhausting them. 

The more conscious I was, again the more competent I was. I kept hearing things like "everything is survival" and "we're all devils" without the warning of *hey there might be false equivalencies when we talk about the relative and the absolute* I'm not saying these things are false but I am saying that even if you understand this intellectually, you might not be emotionally ready to integrate it fully and if you rush that process, you could get repercussions. Especially when it comes to boundaries and needs, constantly thinking about how it's all survival , how it's all low consciousness, and how it's all selfish. Seeing those things in a negative light can be gaslighting to people who don't have a strong ego yet. That really rings true as someone with a spiritual ego. My spiritual ego beats me up for not being super peaceful and joyous even though the world around me is in chaos and it's understandable that I feel that way. It also roots back to my childhood and how I was expected to be happy all the time. I have this tendency of basing my worth on my emotional state. That isn't healthy and has led to problems recently which I'll get to on the next part.

I still feel like I'm in this ego backlash state and I don't think I'm in the place for advanced teachings at this moment because I need to meet my needs, not transcend them. Right now that means being gentle with myself and validating my needs and feelings.  Before transcending the ego it's important to built a strong, healthy ego. It's important to pace yourself and take breaks on this actualization journey. But I felt this need to rush because I tied my level of actualization to my worth and I wanted to be worthy as soon as possible. Here are more of my thoughts about survival and selfishness: 

I'm planning on taking a break from Leo's videos and the forum for a few months. I'm still going to be journaling and commenting occasionally but it's going to be at a minimum. I have mentioned this before and I'll say it again. I'm burnt out from actualizing and continuing without a break isn't good for me at the moment. 

 

22 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Competence and chaos are both a part of you. You are everything. There is no need to create a shadow by swing the pendulum in one way or the other. You don't have to peaceful and joyous all the time. What you feel is valid. 

It's ok to keep your hobbies and your friends. Your needs and boundaries are valid. They don't make you any less competent, any less conscious, or any less of a person. Transcending is important but so is honoring your form. Getting attached to detachment is a real thing. Again, don't rush the process of development, it isn't a good idea and you can misconstrue meanings to hurt yourself and others.. There are somethings you aren't ready to integrate because you haven't built a solid foundation or because you haven't exhausted a need yet. And that's ok. This isn't a race, you have your whole life to figure things out. Meet your needs, honor your boundaries, explore your personalities, hobbies, interests and preferences. You can do those things with a mindset of exploration rather than a mindset of attachment. Just because you know the self and it's needs are an illusion and based in survival/selfishness doesn't mean that you can't honor and cherish the illusion. That's why you came down to experience duality. Your needs are valid and it's important to be in touch with them. You aren't any less competent for having needs. Even if you achieve so called "enlightenment" you will still have needs and that's fine. 

I decided to compile what I've been thinking with some things that were discussed in page 32 of the Teal Swan thread above along with the video that was mentioned there. I wanted everything to be in one place to provide a background for this brief post.

I've been contemplating about survival, selfishness, meeting you needs, enforcing your boundaries etc. I think part of my backlash has to do with me trying to skip integration and jump into transcendence. It's important to know that even after knowing deep truths that you will still have needs and that's ok. We risk developing shadows and getting into dangerous situations when we try to aim for transcendence prematurely without going through the stage of integration. Goes back to the whole thing about needing to build a strong and healthy ego before ego death. That's why stage yellow is an important foundation to turquoise. Stage yellow is integrative while stage turquoise is transcendent.  And I know that I have to go much deeper into yellow and exhaust my needs from the other stages before jumping to turquoise. I believe that Teal Swan has a more integrative approach given how she talks about making peace with your shadow and integrating that to your identity to have a healthier ego and way of going about the world, while Leo has more of a transcendent approach given how he talks about enlightenment, letting go of the ego, and everything being an illusion

[soos_mite_ah]

Pinterest

I've been feeling like I've been doing better since I have cut down on the amount of self development/ spiritual content I have been consuming. Instead I have been connecting back to my likes and dislikes, my needs and wants etc. I feel rejuvenated despite journaling more often than usual on here. I feel more normal in a way, like I'm connecting more to my basic bitch side and that makes me feel like I'm more relatable and that I can go out and make more connections. 

This is a video that really resonated with me and where I feel I'm at.

I also made a pinterest board. I originally started out figuring out what kind of clothes I wanted to buy. Then I started pinning a bunch of random things that I found pretty like aesthetics, room decor, and things I'm drawn to. I feel like it captures the vibe I feel like I resonate with. This whole thing felt strangely healing and restful. I wasn't expecting that but it was a pleasant surprised. I think it's because I'm acknowledging my form as an ego by focusing on my likes and preferences more and honoring that in a healthy way without feeling this constant need to detach. I have talked a lot about getting attached to detachment at length in my previous posts so I'm not going to reiterate that again even though I think it's related. I made a smaller board that captures my aesthetic more concisely for the sake of this journal. 

I don't know how this will show up in this journal but things that I noticed while making this is that I'm really drawn to lighter color palettes. The reason why I note that is because I remember a few years back I had this phase where I was the opposite where I was attracted to a lot of dark colors especially burgundy. My closet is still mainly black and burgundy. To me, my boards also gives me an airy vibe as well. The minimalist, less is more, lets get rid of anxiety and any other emotional/spiritual baggage by decluttering so that our space and mind isn't as busy vibe is still there as it has been since 2017 for me. It just looks different now with a different color palette and more flowers. 

I also find myself really drawn to florals, earth tones, and this particular neckline (I have no idea how to describe tbh but it's the white dress towards the center bottom of this picture) as far as clothes go. I think that gives it a more feminine and romantic energy which reflects my desire to be more vulnerable and be in a relationship but since I can't do that I'm going to resort to romanticizing my life so that I can step into my main character energy and also be gentle with myself. And honestly, I think that's a better idea than to go out dating during a pandemic especially considering the feat it is for me to find a man that actually impresses me. I think it's safe to say that most men disappoint me and that I'm better at loving myself, being patient with myself, being supportive with myself than any male that I've encountered. This is definitely my Virgo venus and my Capricorn mars talking lol. Ok rant over I'm going back to analyzing my aesthetic as if I'm in an art class.  

There is also this ethereal, almost heavenly essence that complements the airy yet romantic energy. I think this has to do with the amount of white in a lot of the outfits an the room décor images. I guess it's because when I think of a cartoonish version of heaven I imagine angels wearing all white surrounded by white clouds in a white background and then you go to a comfortable bed in a room with your favorite foods while getting a massage. This is further displayed but the amount of skincare pictures and perfume pictures I have on my boards. It's like they represent a more gentle and soothing version of self care focused on lighthearted indulgence as opposed to the messy side of self care that consists of digging through your trauma in therapy, crying at 2 am, and a lot of emotional labor. It goes along with the theme of wanting to take a break from a lot of the self actualization work I've been up to in the last few years. 

Finally, there is an element of dreaminess involved. I think it has to do with my escapist tendencies when it comes to dealing with the world being on fire. I tend to cope with this chaos either by daydreaming about moving to New Zealand where the politicians don't believe in Jewish space lasers, by studying different systems so I gain a sense of control through my understanding of the world, and then all else fails, resort to astrology and tarot because I feel that in order to hold on to some form of hope, I need something that is like religion. But the thing is that I'd rather deal with stage green tiktok witches rather than stage blue religious fundamentalists who believe that trans people will burn in hell. I was pretty angsty before as a teenager and there was a part of me that wanted to fight, was super angry about everything, and fantasized about punching Nazis as if I was some type of protagonist in a YA dystopian novel. My angst now is much less triggered and angry despite the world being even more of a wreck and  that part of me that wanted to start a fight before now just wants to take a depression nap and then suddenly wake up in a stage green/yellow paradise. I think as I've been embracing my emotions more for the last couple years, I've been moving away from my Scorpio rising and Scorpio sun (even though it's still there) and leaning into my Pisces moon energy that I've been denying for a long time because I didn't like being described as sensitive and day dreamy. 

Side note: For the longest time I was into astrology ironically for the memes but I feel like what's happening to me now is the whole phenomenon where you start of making fun of something, then you move into doing it ironically, and next thing you know you actually like it. As I've been typing this, I can't take myself seriously and I can't type anything regarding my astrological placements with a straight face but at the same time, I can't say I'm not 100% joking . I'm turning into one of those people lol 

Edited March 14, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

March 13th

I remember this day last year pretty well. I had 3 exams in my classes. I aced two of them and the third one was cancelled. My professor said fuck it, he'll put the exam online since after spring break my college planned for 2 weeks of online classes after spring break. I was excited about that news and made my way back to my dorm. I sneezed on the way there and there was a guy who was far away from me who gave me the death stare. The whole situation with the lockdowns, the toilet paper running out of store shelves, and everything going online seemed absurd. A week ago, my study abroad trip was cancelled. Two days ago, I was told that we were moving online. It was all happening faster than I can emotionally process. There wasn't any panic from my end but the situation seemed so outlandish that my friends and I felt as if we had no choice but to make light of the situation because honestly, wtf. Also, all of this was on a Friday, Friday the 13th. I wasn't superstitious at all before but I can't say the same now lol. 

When I made it back to my dorm, I began packing my things. My roommate was doing the same. We were both thinking that this was going to be an extended version of spring break. We were also dancing around to this song because we thought it was funny. 

This is a song from Vietnam that was a public service announcement. Their target audience was children and their goal was to explain the situation in a simple and age appropriate way so that the kids get motivated to wash their hands and take precautions. If I didn't look at what the lyrics meant and didn't know what corona was, I would think that this song was fire lol.

Vietnam: 3 

U.S.: -1

Vietnam won the war with the U.S. did an amazing job with handling the virus, and managed to drop a hit single while the U.S. has been a complete mess this past year 

But on the bright side, my dad finally got the first dose of the vaccine today. He is scheduled to get the next one 3 weeks from now in April. Also, the U.S. managed to get a 100 million people to get their first dose already. That's on track with Biden's goals for his first 100 days. I don't agree with a lot of things when it comes to Biden and he wasn't my first choice but I am so glad he is taking some actual action with this. Trump on the other hand didn't even make a distribution plan for the vaccines before he left as a last *fuck you* for the next administration. Biden's administration also had a shorter time to move in and adjust because Trump refused to step down for a few weeks because he is a child. Normally, as soon as the election is done, there is a transition period from November to inauguration day in January so the next people in power can do what they need to do before taking office. Biden didn't have that same amount of time nor did he have anything to build on for vaccine distribution from the previous administration so the fact that he is making strides to get people vaccinated is great. 

https://www.aol.com/bidens-first-50-days-where-051008497-104724252.html

Quote

Biden prioritized addressing the coronavirus pandemic during his first weeks in office, and the focus has paid off. He’s on pace to hit his goal of 100 million vaccine doses administered in his first 100 days as soon as the end of next week. The daily rate of vaccinations now averages more than 2 million shots, and more than 75 million doses have been administered since Biden was sworn in.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/covid-vaccine-100-million-shots-united-states/

Quote

The U.S. has now administered over 100 million doses of COVID-19 vaccine — 101.1 million, to be precise — according to figures posted Friday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

That equates to more than 35 million Americans fully vaccinated — 10.5% of the total U.S. population. Nearly 66 million, or almost 20% of the total population, have gotten at least one dose. Nearly one-third of Americans age 65 and older are fully vaccinated.

And the cases have been dropping consistently lately so that's good.

There has been 48808 new cases today which is around the level of how it was back in late June 2020.

However, that same can't be said about the number of active cases unfortunately. But that dip in recent days says that we're at least going somewhere........ I guess

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Limiting Attitudes Around Money

 

I've been contemplating about my limiting thoughts towards money for the past week. I noticed that I have a lot of guilt around spending on needs and wants. There is this robe that was in my Amazon wish list for 3 years now and it costs $98. I always wrote it off as too expensive and unreasonable so I never bought it. I also calculated the amount of money I spent on myself in the past year by looking at my amazon orders, my notes, and my credit card transactions and this is what I came up with. This doesn't include necessities like food, textbooks, or toiletries: 

• Lotion ($16): This was a bath and body works lotion so it costs a little more and smells really nice. I didn't put this under necessities because I went out of my way to treat self to something more expensive 
• Body wash (14): Same justification as above
• Body Butter (4): Normally just regular lotion does it for me and I normally skip on this because my skin doesn't get that dry. But this one just smelled really good. I feel guilty because if I'm going to be honest, I didn't really need it. 
• Hand sanitizer (6): I bought this out of impulse when I was in bath and body works. It was one of those spray on hand sanitizers and it smelled really nice. Every time I look at it, I feel irresponsible. 
• Serum (4): Bought it because I was breaking out 
• Face mask (5): Same justification as before. Both of these were good products and were on sale. I know buying things on sale is not a justification for unnecessary spending and I try to avoid it but this time I caved in tbh. 
• Face wash head band thing (7): Bought it because it looked soft and cute. Honestly don't need it because tying my hair back is sufficient. 
• 4 candles for $5 each (20): I was really depressed and then I was like *hey candles make me happy* so I bought a bunch of them. I can say that these are probably the main things keeping me sane. It was worth it. 
• 2 shirts $15 each (30): I really wanted to buy somethings. I really liked the two shirts that I bought and they are basically my favorites now but I felt guilty while I was buying it because lets be real I didn't need it. But now, I'm glad I did tbh because I get a lot of value from them. 
• Eyeliner (7): ran out 
• Foundation (11): ran out. Honestly, I don't think I would spend on skin care and makeup as much if I just had nice skin. Well I'm addressing the health issues that has been causing these issues through diet, exercise, and medication  so that's a start. 
• Shoes (20): My old pair of sandals tore so I replaced them
• A couple of books (14): Got a lot of value from them so it was worth it.
• A set of pens (14): I was having trouble focusing while taking notes so I was like *what if I had a bunch of pretty colors and used them to draw to convince myself I was doing something fun to sustain my attention* This was clever and it worked but I wish I had the will power to power through my lack of focus instead of having to spend money. Clever but not really necessary. 
• Flowers (25): I get myself flowers every Valentines day because it makes me happy. 

Total: $193 

I was surprised with the total because I always feel that I spend much more. This averages around $16 per month. I think that's because I tend to buy a lot of things at once so when I see that I spent $50 on just treating myself to something nice all at once,  I tend to feel really irresponsible and frivolous. Like, I think some part of me also believes that I don't deserve nice things. The reason why I can remember all of this for the most part off the top of my head  is because I remember standing in the store or sitting in front of the computer screen thinking about whether I really need this, if I deserved to treat myself (because after all what did I accomplish to deserve it), and how much will I use it. I think it's good to ask questions instead of mindlessly buying but I noticed that I tend to over do it.

But I will be honest with myself and say that I made a lot of purchases because I was feeling depressed and wanted  a way to cope. That's why I bought the body butter, the fancy lotion, the fancy body wash, the hand sanitizer, the head band, and the candles. All of that totals up to $60 out of the $193. That wasn't very responsible because things won't solve my problem. Sure they can be little joy, but I can do without them. Some of it had to do  insecurities like the foundation, the serum, the mask which total up to $20. Loving yourself is free, coping like this is not. I could have saved $80 had I been more responsible. I might be nit picking here but I wanted to illustrate on how I feel about these purchases. 

Also, even though I can afford all of these things, I still feel guilty because my mind always goes towards how people can't afford to live like this. I feel like my emotions around not feeling like I deserve nice thing come from a variety of things. 

1. A form of survivor's guilt: I grew up around people who can't afford college and health care and have bigger things to worry about than buying candle when they're sad. I had the privilege to grow up financially stable without worrying about when, not if, I go to college or what would happen if I got sick. And part of me has this guilt that's like *I didn't do anything to deserve this privilege, those people didn't do anything to deserve suffering* Treating yourself seems so frivolous when there are bigger problems in the world. Even though I didn't experience financial issues first hand I did know a lot of people who did and I think I absorbed those experiences. I think it's the survival mechanism where you see people around you struggling so then your brain is like *oh shit what if you're next, better prepare like there's no tomorrow because THAT could be you.* On top of all of this, I also had people assume bad things about me because my parents were financially stable even though I keep things low key and don't show off . 

2. Millennials and avocado toast: I know there is that whole thing where boomers shame millennials for avocado toast and say that it's the reason why they can't buy a house or it's why they have student loan debt and how they just need to stop spending money on frivolous things and pull themselves up from their bootstraps. I remember as a kid having teachers and relatives lecture at me and my peers on how you millennials are entitled and how we expect everything to be handed to us because of how we live in a time of instant gratification. None of this made sense to me at the time because I was like 10 and so I was just sitting there like *ok and what do you want me to do about that....*

All of this made even less sense as I got older because I began understanding systemic issues and how telling people to stop drinking lattes won't fix  their financial problems unless they were drinking like a $1000 worth of lattes every month (and also, how tf would you even do that lol). Basically it's the whole attitude of if you have money problems, it's your fault and if you try to get yourself something nice, you are financially ruining yourself.  My head always knows better but my heart and my subconscious mind just soaked everything up like a sponge and now here I am. 

3. Being a disposable person under capitalism: I think capitalism has convinced me that my needs are luxuries and my wants are irresponsible. I notice myself feeling with this especially with health care. One time I was joking with a friend on how if I get cancer, go into coma, or get hooked up to a ventilator because I caught COVID while having a weak immune system and if the insurance doesn't cover it, I'd rather just die than get the medical attention I need and then have to deal with crippling debt for the rest of my life. Like natural selection caught me slippin and I went out like a g lmao. And life is so expensive for what? I'm not even having a good time lol. But on serious note, yeah medical attention is necessary to not die, but it's priced as a luxury. I had friends who have had mysterious migraines for years straight or have a limp because they got hit by a car once and they never got that checked because their families couldn't afford to do so. I think there is this part of me that sees myself as completely disposable. I know I was just joking and it was just dark humor but the more I think about it, the darker it is and the less humorous it is. 

4. My parents being emotionally unavailable: My parents always provided for me financially pretty well growing up. Occasionally during arguments they would be like "we're spending all of this money on good schools only for you to misbehave what's wrong with you?" I also had adults around me about how kids are expensive and not worth it, how they're just leeches and burdens until they move out. Like they aren't wrong, but I think that messed up my self esteem as an 8 year old. Like I remember calculating how much my schooling costs and looking up how much it costs to raise a kid. That led to the following beliefs: I'm not going to have a kid in this economy in this trash world. I'm a burden and a leech. I owe my parent's financially and I have to pay them back. And even though my parents never told me that they regret having me, that they expect something from me, or told me that was spoiled or expensive, I feel that because they didn't provide me with much emotional support, our relationship felt more transactional thus leading me to feel that I financially owe them for putting a roof over my head as a kid. And in my mind, asking for help or support has always been difficult when it comes to being raised in an emotionally unavailable household, but when it comes to money, well you can add feeling like a leech into the mix. 

Note: I would never say to another person that they are obligated to their parents, especially financially for doing what they were supposed to do. After, all they chose to have a kid, you didn't choose to be born. It's up to them to raise you well so that you're provided for and so yall have a healthy relationship with one another. You're not obligated to them, they are obligated to you as a part of their responsibilities and life decisions as a parent. I think I have a double standard for myself because of my self esteem issues. 

 

The effects of all of this include, not being able to spend money for fun, freaking out about my ability to support myself in the future, under selling myself because I don't think I have value and that I'm disposable, being freaked out by emergency expenses and seeing needs as luxuries, and being pessimistic about growing up and life after college because of all of those things. That's why I want to address my limiting views on money. I think it stops me from advocating for myself, valuing myself, and manifesting what I want in life. As I began contemplating this, I realized that a lot of my issues with my mindset around money as issues around self esteem and not feeling worthy or deserving, 

Here are some videos I found helpful: 

 

Edited March 15, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Awareness vs Focus 

On the surface this seemed liked yet another one of those law of attraction video that talk about manifesting abundance by focusing on abundance. I don't see anything wrong with that because imo, in order to get lucky, you need to be receptive for luck. If you want to spot a yellow car you need to have your eye out for a yellow car. Same with opportunity. But my problem with these type of videos is how it perpetuates the notion of positive thinking solving everything, you're just a millionaire down on their luck, and you just need to pull yourself up from your boot strap mentality. That attitude masks over any systemic issues that are at play an can interfere with the class consciousness needed to create change. It can also be weaponized for victim blaming. 

I like this video however because there is a focus on manifesting and focusing on the positive but there is also an awareness of the systemic issues at play. This can be best seen by Arian Simone's whole deal with her story. My main take away is that you can be aware of something without focusing on it. Like I'm focusing on writing this journal entry rn but I'm still aware of my surroundings. I knew the distinction between awareness and focus before when I made the decision to stop watching the news back in 2018. I was like, hey I know Trump is being a dumb fuck but I don't need to have that reminder everyday. I am informed about various social issues but I don't need to ruminate on them because that isn't helping me learn. It's just making me fatalistic and depressed. Even though I knew this for a minute, I think I really needed that reminder because of some of the thoughts I've been having lately about my future. Because it isn't healthy to expect yourself to mainly focus on the bad because that's just going to bring you down to where you don't even have the hope to bring yourself back up again. It also isn't healthy to focus on everything because that is exhausting and it isn't possible. Selective focus can be a gift when you use it correctly. I'm not saying to selectively focus on the good and be uninformed with what's happening around you to where you can't create a nuanced take on what's happening but I am saying it's good to have boundaries when it comes to what you take in so that your views and motivations aren't screwed. 

[soos_mite_ah]

A Fluid Identity

Quote

Sometimes I think I know myself but maybe that's a trap. Because maybe I am cool, sexy Diane or really in touch with her feelings Diane or possibly other Dianes we don't even know about yet. The point is that I'm ALL of the Dianes. 

I found this video in my recommended and the quote above pretty much how I feel about myself and my identity at the moment. I started thinking of all of the people I used to be and I made a couple Pinterest boards to visualize what I was like in different points in my life. It was fun and I had a bunch of memories come back to me. Even back when I was 16/17 I had this feeling that I have a very fluid personality because I essentially felt like a different person every other year. I feel like that flexibility becomes more and more true as time goes on. I think that's especially the case as I explore myself more and I integrate different and sometime contradictory parts of myself. I'm not embarrassed at who I used to be (ok maybe a little but I can laugh at it and see it as a part of my growth) but I feel like I can accept myself even if I do a 180 from my current state. If anything it makes me excited to see who I'm going to morph into in the future and what kind of identity I'm going to embody next. Even though I am talking about ego, I feel like this is coming from a more exploratory perspective rather than one that is geared toward attachment. It's almost like I'm having fun trying on different costumes while I'm still here. I am not talking about transcendence but I'm sure I'll get there one day. But on the way there I'm going to have more fun. I have time, there is no rush.

I kind of see this process in 3 stages. You have the solid ego stage where you have a very strong yet rigid sense of self. There is a sense of stubbornness that is there but that makes the ego defined and developed in this stage. Then your ego becomes more fluid. It still has form but it's much more adaptable and flexible. There is a lot of change as the identity goes with the flow of exploration but the ego is still there. And finally, you have the airy ego where you transcend the yourself. It merges with everything and it's everywhere but nowhere like air.  

Edited March 16, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Personal Boundaries vs. Oneness

Re-watched this as  a reminder. I got caught up with analyzing, dissecting, and letting go of boundaries in order to get out of my comfort zone to be more open minded. While that introspection can be very valuable, it can be taken too far to where you don't honor your needs and personal truth and therefore fuel inauthenticity. Healthy boundaries and oneness doesn't have to be separate. I really liked this quote from this video.

Quote

11:50-12:40 

So how does this idea of boundaries fit into the idea that we live in a universe which is all one? It seems like a contradiction, but not so fast. If I'm embracing what I truly am, what I truly want, what I truly need, what I truly feel, I'm embracing the unique expression of source energy that I truly am. I'm actually more in alignment with the universe that is one than if I'm losing my boundaries because I'm denying my true expression as myself extension of source. In other words I'm embracing the unique expression of source that I am rather than seeing myself as separate from others or from source. And so, personal boundaries are not a contraction to spirituality. We're simply using the word boundary which we associate with resistance. 

Quote

13:30-13:55

A boundary isn't about resisting what you do not want. This is why people see boundaries as unhealthy because we associate it with resistance. And I can tell you that if you're in resistance, something that is unwanted, then you are not in alignment and that isn't a healthy boundary, it's an unhealthy boundary. 

Basically use your boundaries to go toward what you want instead of using them to run away. By going towards what you truly want, you are more in alignment and therefore honoring oneness by honoring you unique expression of source energy. By using a boundary to avoid what you don't want to experience, you are using your boundaries to keep out what is unwanted instead of going towards what makes you happy (ie closing yourself from intimacy because you're afraid). Also healthy boundaries don't impose on others. Healthy boundaries can change overtime because what we feel and our authentic expression can change overtime with circumstances and growth. Allow yourself to change and therefore change your boundaries. Being fixed with a boundary that no longer serves you isn't authentic to a naturally moving and growing identity.  But this change needs to be according to your feelings not other people's feelings in order to maintain authenticity. 

Edited March 16, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Vulnerability

This journal is a huge act of vulnerability for me. I sometimes catch myself thinking how this journal feels like a friend that listens to me without judgement, how I feel safe expressing myself here. I want to have more friendships like that where I can be more open about what I'm going through, my insights, my interests, and my emotions. I also started looking through my older entries similar to they way you reply memories of conversations with friends. 

I remember feeling incredibly vulnerable when I first started this journal. I was self conscious about writing these long posts because I feel vulnerable when I ramble or talk at length about something. I notice myself feeling similarly when I'm talking to a friend and I get the opportunity to talk at length about anything. I tend to be reserved in those situations. I don't want to bore anyone or take away their opportunity to speak. It also means having to really open yourself up. I know that I seem like an open person in my entries because of the amount of the amount of detail I put in but I'm not like this irl. Even writing in this journal took some getting used to. 

I feel vulnerable when I express negative emotions in a way when I write them in a stream of consciousness. I mention the way I go about expressing negative emotions because I don't feel vulnerable when I present negative emotions in a bullet point, I have a plan on how to address it kind of way. Taking a more strategic and masculine way of handling my emotions does not incite my vulnerability. It makes me feel like a plan to address my issues and an understanding of what's going on. That makes me lean towards feeling more secure.

On 12/3/2020 at 11:07 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Gentleness and Discipline 

I know for this year I made a resolution to be more disciplined. That didn't work but I found out what does and doesn't work for me. I found out that the main reason that I don't have discipline is because I didn't have much gentleness growing up. I talk about this in many instances in this journal. Especially with recent events in my life, my need for gentleness has been magnified. Upon realizing this I didn't know where to start, because again, I wasn't exposed to it before. I started questioning what gentleness is. 

One of the main ways my need for gentleness comes through is through my romantic fantasies. I want a guy who is going to be soft and gentle towards me. 

(Towards the end of this clip from The Godfather, the way that Michael kisses his wife Apollonia just speaks to me. In the rest of the trilogy, this man is a monster inside of a dumpster fire of chaos and honestly triggers/ irritates me so ignore the context for now. It's just this one scene where he is so gentle that melts me. Not to mention, young Al Pacino in the 70s is so attractive to me at least omfg)

I included the quote from my previous post and this clip because fantasies, myths, and parables often articulate what we want and need both on an individual level such as in my case but also in the cases of religions on the collective level. I decided to analyze my need for gentleness in a similar lens that I would say analyze a myth in my English class or a story in my Religious studies classes. I started analyzing this fantasy I have more so focusing on on what makes them so gentle in order to understand the gentleness I need for myself.  This is what I came up with:

• Gentleness is patience 
• Gentleness is slow 
• Gentleness is attentive 
• Gentleness is forgiving
• Gentleness is mercy 
• Gentleness is calm 
• Gentleness is soft 
• Gentleness is loving
• Gentleness is empathetic
• Gentleness is acceptance 
• Gentleness is not rushed 
• Gentleness is not chaotic 
• Gentleness is not having unreasonable expectations and doing 20 things at once 
• Gentleness is not harsh 

Upon making this list, I also could see the overlap between gentleness and discipline Here is what I noticed: 

Gentleness is slow. Gentleness is not rushed, Gentleness is not chaotic. 

• Discipline is also slow and not rushed. To be disciplined is to be in it for the long haul. It isn't doing all of your assignments in the last minute and having spikes where you work really hard and moments when you don't work at all. It is consistent, not chaotic. 

Gentleness is patience.

• Discipline also involves patience. Because you aren't doing everything all at once, you aren't going to get instant results. It's going to be gradual and slow but it will pay off more in the long run. 

Gentleness is not having unreasonable expectation. Gentleness is empathetic. Gentleness is forgiving. 

• Discipline involves all of these things as well in order to be effective. You need to have reasonable expectations to maintain motivation and not give up due to a sense of futility. You need empathy to gage where you're at with any disciplined practice. And finally you need forgiveness because if you are starting out disciplining yourself in any aspect of life, you aren't going to be good at it initially. It will take time and that is ok. 

But when I approach my emotions in a more intuitive and feminine way where I'm letting what I feel flow through me in a stream of consciousness, that's when I feel more vulnerable. My writing feels more raw to where I'm hesitant to show it. The post below was difficult to write. I remember before posting, I was afraid of sounding over dramatic, whiny, and self pitying because I didn't have a plan of action laid out. I was nervous about been seen as weak, as needy, as doing the absolute most. 

On 3/5/2021 at 11:16 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

The Type of Masculine Energy I Want in my Life

I want a man who is going to be masculine, assertive, and dominant I guess but will express those things in a very gentle way. I crave gentleness in my life and I feel that in order for me personally to be in my feminine energy that I need a man who will be gentle with me so that I feel safe enough to be vulnerable. I feel like I'm embodying my masculine energy most of the time in my life other than when it comes to my appearance. I'm also very comfortable with that. But when I think of a relationship, I think of it as the one place where I can embrace my feminine energy the most. I want to build this sense of emotional intimacy with someone so that I can be emotional and vulnerable around him. 

Another factor that is important in me feeling safe enough to feel like I can be vulnerable is competence. I tend to come off as a very competent person (to what extent this is healthy is something that I'm working through and I'm probably going to do a post on that) and I need a man who will be more competent than me so that I feel like I can rely on him, not in a dependence way but in a way where I have faith that he can take care of business when I'm in my moment of vulnerability. Because a lot of the time due to me encountering dumb men, I find myself in this energy

And honestly, I'm tired of doing everything by myself. I'm tired of being the one who always has to have her life together because the people around me can't get their shit together.

Growing up my parents were incompetent. I often found myself in the position where I had to teach them how to act instead of it being the other way around. I went to schools that were underfunded with teachers who had no idea how to help me reach my goals so I had to figure that out on my own.

In therapy, I'm really good at psychoanalyzing myself, figuring out what's wrong with me, and coming up with a plan to cope.  One time I had a therapist tell me that she lowkey enjoys sessions with me because I essentially solve my own problems and come up with good insights and she just has to intervene every now and then because of a few blind spots I have.  

Even recently with my issues with PCOS, I had to make 8 different doctors appointments because there were a bunch of formalities that they have to go through in order to prescribe me birth control. It was a whole thing that dragged on for like 2 months and in the mean time while they were dealing with whatever they were dealing with, I managed to fix most of my symptoms by trying out different things with my diet.

Finally, I haven't had a solid group of friends I talk to on a regular basis so all of the work I have been doing on myself in therapy, I've been going at it alone with little emotional support. I had to be emotionally there for myself the whole time and there wasn't people that I could really find myself leaning on. It has gotten worse after I had to move back in with my emotionally unavailable family and the isolation I have experienced in the last year. Speaking of making friends, I think it is more important to find a solid group of friends before jumping into a relationship. I don't want to fall into a codependent dynamic.   

As empowering this sense of independence and resilience is, it is also exhausting. It feels like nothing would get done unless I do it myself. And sometimes I want to take a break by curling up next to a guy who knows just as much or more than me. I want to submit to this soft and emotional side of myself because it's a side that I don't get to express very often. 

I want to be emotional without being dismissed as being crazy. I want to be emotional without feeling like I need to be fixed or that there is something wrong with me.
I want to be vulnerable without fearing that someone would take advantage of that and see that as an opportunity to be controlling. I want to feel like I can be safe in a relationship psychologically without needing to be this perfect person with no vulnerabilities and dysfunctions. I don't want to constantly work on myself and feel like in order to be in a healthy relationship that I have to have my life 100% together. 

I also don't think it's a coincidence that this is how my parents treated me growing up when I would go to them with a problem. I wasn't given empathy. I wasn't given reassurance. I wasn't given encouragement or comfort. Instead I was always told to stop being dramatic, figure out how to deal with the problem and for gods sake stop crying because or else they would give me something to cry about. Or they would be like "why are you doing this to me, why are you making us upset" I'm sure that's why I have issues with my attachment style.  

23 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I found a really good attachment styles test. Instead of boxing you into one style, it gives you a percentage which I find to be more detailed since the vast majority of people is probably not all one type. It also has a description of the types under your results. 

https://dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/#header

I'm a dismissive avoidant. I tend to be emotionally unavailable because I never got my needs fulfilled as a kid so now as an adult, I put too much emphasis on being independent and I don't ask for help or emotional support enough because I was conditioned to believe that my needs are too much and that I will be in pain if someone tries to help me. I noticed that I tend to be emotionally unavailable to my own needs rather than the needs of others. I never had an issue with being empathetic and warm towards others.

I feel vulnerable when I talk about my flaws. It has to do with me basing my worth on my competence. I've already done a 5 part series on that.

And finally, I feel vulnerable when I talk about self development. I'm nervous about talking about this with people irl because I don't think they'd understand or worse they will think I've gone crazy because of the way new agey concepts can be interpreted. I feel that this forum is a safe place for me to express this part of myself and I'm SOOOO thankful for that. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Media Consumption Analysis: Femininity and Feminism in the Early 2000s

Now that I'm in my early 20s, I'm in a life transition stage of sorts where I'm going through the mental and emotional equivalent of physical puberty where instead of my body changing and being a hormonal angsty mess, now my thoughts, values, and life circumstances are all growth and contorting in weird ways that's causing a lot of confusion and angst. I think that's why young people tend to get nostalgic over their childhoods when things were simpler and since young people define pop culture, that's why you have trends return every 20 or so years. 

I was going through my usual nostalgia playlist and then I suddenly remembered this music video existing. 

I didn't grow up as a huge fan of P!nk. I remembered that I liked a couple songs by her and that's about it. But the thing with this video is that I think it's a very interesting snapshot of the times. This song came out in 2006. and won the the MTV Video Music Award. 

I don't have any problems with the message this song is trying to convey which is that women shouldn't feel obligated by society to conform to some ideal in order to appeal to men and give up their dreams, ambitions, and aspirations. But the way this message was conveyed aged HORRIBLY.  I'm going to go chronologically because there is a lot to unpack. 

So first we have the title Stupid Girls. Given the message on how it's about women feeling the obligation to act a type of way, are we really in the right place to judge them for doing what they have been socially conditioned. Shouldn't be critique the patriarchial systems in place that create these behaviors than blame women for all of this? 

In 0:29 the song goes "what happened to the dream of the girl president? She's dancing in the video next to 50 cent." 

I mean, I don't see why you can't do both. Like if that sparks joy and feels authentic to you, go for it.  The only way that wouldn't be possible is if we slut shame women and make it a reason why she isn't fit for office. Like dancing? Oh god no she was DANCING!!! This also makes me think of Republicans who leaked that video of AOC dancing to shame her. Sure she wasn't twerking and throwing it back for rapper but even if she was, that's not nearly as bad as what some white men get away with *cough* Bret Kavanaugh*cough* I'm posting the video because it sparks joy and it made me like AOC more lol. 

Any way back to "Stupid Girls"

Starting from 0:41 the lyrics are "where oh where have the smart people gone, oh where oh were could they be." Then it moves into the chorus which is "Maybe if I act like that, that guy would call me back, I don't wanna be a stupid girl."

The video has P!nk getting a bad spray tan and making fun of the early 2000s trend of having tiny dogs and basically parodying Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, and the "it girls" of the time. That's all fine and well, there were some ridiculous trends from back then all of which are pretty memeable  but my problem is assuming people are stupid because of that or assuming they all do it for male attention. If that doesn't feel authentic to you by no means do it to please others. But liking these things shouldn't make you someone people take you less seriously. 

In 0:50, 0:57-59 you have a girl with huge boobs wearing a tank top and bowling. She's jumping up and down and she seems happy about something. P!nk's character is looking at her with envy and disgust. Given the lyrics being played at this scene, we're supposed to think that this girl is dressing for men and that she is some type of stupid slut. My thing is that she can wear what she wants if it makes her feel comfortable. It's not something that revolves around men. And as someone who has a larger chest, I can feel for this girl. If your boobs are that big, it's going to be hard to find ANYTHING that will cover you up completely and be cute. Growing up I felt this need to do the Billy Eilish and wear oversized clothes so that I wouldn't have people look at me as a piece of meat or have people assume that I'm promisors or any other negative stereotype. As I got older, I stopped caring and I wore things that I liked more instead of wearing to avoid judgment.  If P!nk's character has her insecurities ruffled up that's her problem and she should ask what industries and what social structures and trends are causing this than project by calling this random girl who is just living her life stupid.

There is also a similar thing that happens when P!nk's character is at the gym working out and is next to another woman who is framed to be prettier and have bigger boobs (2:19-2:23, 2:52-2:54). Then there is some guy who talks to the other girl (honestly he just looks like a personal trainer trying to give advice doesn't look like he is even into this girl in that way) and P!nk's character feels the need to physically compete with this woman by stripping down and going faster on the tread mill because she feels insecure and like she needs to prove something. First of all the zoom in on this random girl's boobs as if it's her main defining characteristic is weird. Again, she's smiling and looks chill about the whole thing as if she's just minding her own business and then made friendly eye contact with the person next to her. There is nothing malicious there. Then when P!nk inevitably makes a fool out of her self by being a clown (because competing with other women to be better than them reeks insecurity and is clown shit), the girl starts laughing at her  The first time I saw this video as a 10 year old, I thought it was like she was a mean girl who is making fun of P!nk (after all she is one of the "stupid girls"). Now looking at it, the girl looks like she is nervous laughing, or laughing because the whole situation was so ridiculous. I'm sure if something like this would happen irl a person would probably laugh and be like "hey I'm sorry for laughing but are you ok?" Like this girl doesn't seem like a bad person even though she is framed as such by the song and the lyrics. 

Then around 2:00 there is a scene where one of the "stupid girls" is obsessing over being skinny and going to throw in the bathroom. This was a very weird scene because on one hand it is trying to address the impossibly skinny standard of beauty in the early 2000s and how it leads to eating disorders. But on the other hand, the whole song is parodying the trends of the era and making fun of the women who participated in those trends. And eating disorders aren't a laughing matter and we shouldn't degrade people who have gone through that type of thing and shame them. The whole scene was gross and potentially triggering. They even showed someone's barf on there which was nasty. The scene also paints a very stereotypical image of a person with an eating disorder and what those people are like. It's a no for me.

Around you have someone doing an explicit music video and another person doing a sex tape from 2:30-3:00. I don't think it's right to degrade sex workers or people who want to show of their bodies. They aren't lesser for doing so. When you listen to it with the lyrics it pushes the idea that these women are stupid. And yeah I don't think it's healthy to do these things solely for a guy or for male attention, but I think it's more important to critique the mindset and the way you're going about it rather than critiquing the face value which is difficult to do in a music video. 

There is also a part in the song where the lyrics go "I'm so glad that I'll never fit in. That will never be me. Outcasts and girls with ambition. That's what I wanna see (Come on)"

And I think that sums up the whole "Im not like other girls vibe" of this song and video. I don't see a shortage of ambition in women but I do see systemic issues that prevent women from actualizing their ambition. Just because you fit in with whatever is popular doesn't mean that you lack ambition or that you have no depth. It's just an unfair generalization for a large group of people who all live different, complex, and nuanced lives. Then there is this sense of superiority that comes in which just isn't cute. Screams internalized misogyny.

And I think the video shows a lot of my views around feminism when I was around 8-12 years old. There were some traditionally feminine things that didn't resonate with me at the time and I thought that the expectation for boys and girls to act a certain way was damaging and dumb. I also liked the idea of equality and women having more freedom. But around this time, I did build up this "I'm not like other girls" identity and it came from not wanting to be this caricature of femininity that is reduced down to boob and makeup. I didn't want to be viewed in that light. I didn't want to be one of the "stupid girls." Even though this music video alone didn't cause this phenomenon for so many women, I think it's a good reflection of a lot of views towards women and what is considered empowering from that time. It's one of those things that you watch years later and thing "oh that's how my personality was created back then. This explains a lot. YIKES" 

An alternative to this video I would say is the movie Legally Blonde. 

The first time I watched this movie at 12 I thought this movie was a movie about a dumb blonde who somehow got to Harvard and solved a case by luck. The whole movie and the message went over my head. Then I watched it again at 18 and had a whole different view on it. I realized that if your first impression of Elle was that she was dumb, frivolous, and lacking in depth, YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM. The people around her all view Elle in that light because they don't see a traditionally feminine person as someone to take seriously. She went through a lot of sexist bs from everyone from her parents, her peers at law school, and the creepy professor that sexually assaulted her. 

There was no evidence in the movie of her being dumb. First of all she graduated from UCLA with a 4.0. That's impressive considering how hard UCLA is to get into much less get perfect grades in. She has leadership ability and connections as the president of her sorority. All of this was established really early on in the movie especially in the scene where she is dress shopping with  her friends and one of the sales associates tried to con her assuming Elle was stupid. Elle shuts this lady down, sees through the con, and remembers really small details. It is established that Elle has what it takes to excel in law school. 

There was also no evidence in the movie of Elle being a stereotypical mean girl. She is sweet, kind, compassionate, and nonjudgmental towards the people around her, even those who were wrong towards her. The movie shows her femininity in a healthy and positive light that helps Elle get ahead. There is no demonization of femininity thematically. Her intuition and emotional intelligence is ultimately what saves the day even when everyone doubted her and viewed her as stupid, emotional, and irrational. 

The movie does a good job of showing the issues that women face without demonizing femininity. It shows Elle in a complex and nuanced way where no one part of her personality tells the whole story. This movie was released in 2001 and is very ahead of it's time especially when it came to addressing sexual harassment in professional environments. Part of me is sad that the message around this movie went over my head as a kid because it was a message that I really needed at that time. But now, I have so much appreciation for this and I honestly feel so empowered whenever I watch it. 

This movie also reminds me of the whole trend of bimbofication that's happening. The pendulum has swung from not wanting to be like other girls to celebrating other girls and feminine interests. 

On 2/26/2021 at 9:15 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

There is this trend of bimbofication that is on the rise on tiktok. I noticed this trend keep popping up and I found it rather interesting. This video breaks it down pretty well and was pretty insightful. To summarize it's mainly a bunch of women who want to reclaim their femininity and own their more feminine interests without having people bring them down. The  modern bimbo is also characterized as a radical feminist and lefist which I find as an interesting take on the trope. She is there for the girls, the gays, and the theys and she expresses her disdain by capitalism by taking money from rich men. She is also pro sex work and doesn't slut shame other women. Her stupidity is often played out in a satirical sense but there is an emphasis on emotional intelligence over IQ. I think this can best be seen in the himbo trope. A himbo refers to a guy bimbo and is characterized by a guy who has no fucking clue what's happening. He is an idiot but he drinks enough respect women juice to not treat people like trash. He has emotional intelligence  and is a well meaning guy. He is mainly harmless because he is too stupid to play mind games and manipulate people in the first place. 

I also found a tiktok that explains who the modern bimbo is: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeSvY8tG/ 

It the link doesn't show up right, this is what it was saying:

Who is the bimbo? What is a bimbo? These are multiple question I've been getting from Millennials. Who is the Gen Z bimbo?

A bimbo ISN'T dumb. I mean... she kinda is but she isn't THAT dumb. 

She's actually a radical leftist who is pro sex work, pro BLM, pro LGBTQ+, pro choice, and will ALWAYS be there for her girls, gay and theys. 

"If you're homophobic, I'll castrate you "

"LISTEN!!! This is an inclusive corperation! Bimbos, Thembos, Himbos"

*wears something revealing* "I don't do this for the misogynistic male gaze, I do it for my gaze and damn my tits look good" (honestly, such a mood)

It's about emotional intelligence at the end of the day

And remember we always step on Trump Supporters.

"hey, is that a Trump supporter? ewwww" *kicks the camera*

TLDR: While both advocate for women to take back their power Elle Woods seems like the type of person who advocate for you during the #MeToo movement while P!nk's character seems like the type who would ask you what you were wearing when you got assaulted. 

Edited March 20, 2021 by soos_mite_ah