The Joy Journal

[soos_mite_ah]

Media Consumption Analysis Part 2: My Lana Del Rey Phase 

I find myself really drawn to Lana Del Rey's music since about fall 2019. I always thought her music was beautiful but I didn't look too deeply into it. One of the reasons why I find myself drawn to her is summarized by this one tweet I found a long ass time ago on brown twitter which was along the lines of "Lana Del Rey makes me feel like the reckless, rebellious white girl with a trust fund that I never was." I can't really relate to her music which is why I like it strangely enough. It's like I'm embracing this part of myself that I don't get the opportunity to otherwise. 

I wrote out a whole entry for this last night but I decided against posting it. I'm going to keep it private because I'm not ready to expose myself lol. Basically long story short, LDR helps me have an outlet for some of the trauma and issues I currently have and gives me an outlet to explore my unhealthy desires and impulsivity without actually going out there and doing something stupid. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Anti-Capitalist Depression Spirals 

So March 13th 2021 is coming up and for the last couple months I found myself think *damn, I have spent an entire year in this mess* 

I look back at where I was circumstantially and emotionally this time last year. I was so SO SOOO happy. I sorted out the bulk of my childhood trauma, I was living by myself, and I was thriving really. I was ready to start my 20s off in the right foot. My childhood and my teen years were a mess but that's behind me now. I was looking into the future. Sure, like any college student trying to figure out what to do with their life there was a level of anxiety and uncertainty but I had put plans in place to address that. It was manageable. I was so happy to where my happiness was able to sustain some type of sanity even in the first 6-7 months of the pandemic. 

But moving back home started to take a toll on me and started to erode me slowly but surely. That anxiety and uncertainty I felt about my future felt more and more crushing as the world started spiraling out of control. I consider myself relatively adaptable and as someone who really likes change. But this wasn't a change that I chose with an ounce of agency. It was chaos I was pushed into. Essentially this is how I feel as I was doing my school work and filling out internship applications: 

And if there is anything this pandemic has made clear as fucking day is the limitations of capitalism. Which brings me to Gen Z.  Honestly, I feel like we are like Millennials as far as political beliefs go  except we're like... feral. Like millennials had the peace and the prosperity of the 90s but got a rude awakening when 9/11 and the Great Recession happened. Gen Z never got the chance to sleep. Sure, we're more woke I guess but at the cost of our sanity. I was born in 1999. My earliest memory was 9/11. The Great Recession, boomers bitching about health care, and old people talking about how the coming generation won't have a better life than their parents were the back drop of my childhood. Sure I didn't know wtf was going on at 8 but chaos was something that was normalized to me. I don't know a time when the world wasn't in chaos and we weren't fighting some forever war in the Middle East. I don't know a time when people would say that America is the greatest country in the world and not have it sound absolutely delusional. 

]

This is basically what I have observed based on the millennials I have associated with ranging from friends who are like 5 yeas older than me to my young college professors. I feel like Gen Z has this unhinged, chaotic sense of humor that we use to cope with world events by making memes. I remember making jokes about school shootings and having the adults around me, even the younger adults, look at me and my peer group with horror. We care about making change and we are willing to support any solution that comes our way but we are also desensitized to the pain. With the school shooting example, I would imagine in the middle of class what I would do in an event like that and plan shit out in my head. I stopped feeling things when I would see shootings on TV back in 2013 after Sandy Hook. There is just so many situations like that. Also with Sandy Hook, the reason why that hit hard for me is because the day after I had to baby sit a group of 1st graders who were the same ages as the victims of that shooting. And ever since then, nothing compared to that.  

Speaking of being desensitized, I encounter this with my millennial professors in the social sciences. Some times we get into the topic of wealth inequality an they are like "omg it was so horrible it was so shocking when I was yalls age, what do yall think about this (this usually referring to debates around health care, the 1%, student debt etc)?" And the everyone my age would be dead in the eyes until someone speaks up and says something along the lines of we're not shocked, the people around us have been talking about this since we were kids.  

But there is a part of me that feels depressed about living in late capitalism. I guess that's just the Millennial in me talking. Although there are trends in collective groups, I find generations stupid because of the way it can paint a broad stroke. I feel like I'm in that awkward in between to where I'm too young to be a Millennial but I'm also old enough to where Gen Z would bully me for my side part and skinny jeans on tiktok lol. Speaking of tiktok, there is this one song I found there that struck a chord with me. I'm having trouble finding it but here is how the lyrics went. 

Gen Zillennial 

Born in '99, not feelin so fine

Got stuck in between the lines

Still mad at my parents cause the let me get a Facebook when I was 9

I posted duckface selfies in a bracelet saying "I <3 boobies"

Got sent home for wearing heelies an for trading silly bandz and tamogotchis

But my Millennial siblings won't talk about their feelings

I talk about my depression earning minimum wage in my second recession 

My parents taught me respect but now it's my job to teach them how to act 

Cause I'm their kid that turned out queer but at least they didn't vote for Trump last year

It's the turning 21 in quarantine for me 

Growing up with That's So Raven on TV

Liking Green Day and Avril Lavigne but never really going through a phase of "scene"

More socially educated than the people whom I'm related

Cause I'm the youngest of the family 

But I'm not young enough to be Gen Z

Sometimes because of late capitalism, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. In my last couple of posts about some things I want to do but that's so that I have something to aim for instead of turning into a nihilistic blob. The future just feels so dystopian now. It's filled with environmental destruction and the greed of the 1% that has been slowly cooking us alive but the boomers are too unware to notice it. Even before the pandemic I would sometimes talk about future plans with my friends and sometimes we would joke and say "I mean it's not like the world will be around after 2030 because of climate change what's the point of planning hahaha." But there is this part of us that was serious in a nihilistic sense. Nothing is promised to us. The future doesn't exist. Especially with this pandemic, I really don't know what the world is going to be like. I can barely make plans for something 2 months down the road much less 2 years. It's both exciting and terrifying. On one hand things could always get much worse since the pandemic is simply speeding up trends that were already there but on the other hand, thing can get better as more and more people wake up and start demanding change. Of course, the later scenario will take time. Even after this is over, we will still be left to pick up the pieces. That will take another decade at least IMO. There is no going back to normal. 

And to take it in an individualistic direction, I put in a lot of effort into making sure my college experience was going to be good by getting independence from my parents and sorting out my childhood only to no get a college experience and to be sucked back into my parents house again. I remember back at 16 I looked forward to traveling and exploring different cultures and really getting to know myself. It gave me something to hang on to. I kept telling myself, hey I just need to get through a couple years of high school and then I can live my life. Instead now, I'm back at the small town I grew up in and I feel like I'm 14 again because of the way my parent's treat me. I'm also dealing with financial issues because my physical and mentall health is all over the place and the health care system here is ass. Fuck capitalism

 This video hit me pretty damn hard despite having no memories of the 90s. The thing that is burned in my mind are the following: 

This. fucking. graph. If the Millennials are in red because of 2008, Gen Z will basically have nothing after the pandemic. That's something I caught myself thinking about even in the beginning stages of this disaster. If 2008 fucked over the previous generation that badly, what will the pandemic mean for us in the future? I feel like 2008 was a piece of cake compared to this bs. 

"Things were so terrible for so long to where we miss when they were just bad."

"It was the neoliberal dream come true. The 90s were the best argument that the system works so long as the right people are in charge....The neoliberal dream did come true once and we weren't happy. We were famously disenchanted with it."

"Jaded sarcasm isn't brave in 2020. It's the path of least resistance for edgy 4Chan lords. It does not imply a deep and abiding morality. This is the new sincerity generation where bravery is being a gender nonconformist socialist queerdo who refuses the ugliness of the world from closing them off from human connection. And young people don't feel trapped by the future because nobody believes in the future anymore,"

I'm going to end this post with a meme that depicts my default mood at this point. 

And every so often it devolves into this: 

Edited February 28, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

I found this channel and I fell in love with her analysis 

 

[Raphael]

From my perspective, it looks like the US is imploding. Do you feel hope sometimes?

[soos_mite_ah]

@Raphael Yeah 

When I daydream about moving to New Zealand

 

[soos_mite_ah]

I was thinking for the last few days how people talk about how things will change in the U.S. and how a lot of people don't actually get up and leave when they joke about immigrating to other countries. The whole America is the greatest country in the world narrative, even if you don't believe it, almost makes you feel like there is no where you can go so you end up having Stockholm Syndrome for a country. It's like the abusive boyfriend that convinces you that you don't want to leave by saying he'll change or by saying there is no way you will find anyone better. 

I have tried to go to the U.K for college. That didn't work out because my dad's health was going down hill and I don't want to be on another continent if anything happens even though I was trying to move far away from home. I'm lowkey happy that didn't work out now because I don't know what I would have to do when the lockdowns happened last year or if I would bring back the virus and infect my family in my efforts to come home.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I made these plans before and I'll do it again and this time I will succeed. I'm manifesting this. Until then, I'll just be listening to "American Idiot" by Green Day. 

 Also, I suddenly remembered this video exists

 

Edited March 1, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Media Consumption Analysis Part 3: YouTube

I'd say the bulk of the stuff I watch is on YouTube. I'm not really the type to binge on shows or movies tbh. I don't watch TV either. I went off to college and the only time I watched TV was when I came home and my parents wanted to spend time with me. Even though I'm home now, I still don't watch TV. But yeah I watch a shit ton of stuff on YouTube instead. 

I remember there was a time when I listened to shit on of music and I did a journal entry back in 2015 or so just noting down my favorite music just kind of as a little reference for future me. I'm basically going to do the same here.

 

Informative Channels:

 

First we have the legend herself Contrapoints. I stumbled on to her channel in 2018 when I started going to a really conservative university and as a result was very angsty. I needed answers and I found a few of Natalie's videos talking about the alt right and shit just made sense.  It gave my angsty little heart some clarity. But I have still hanged around. Her videos are always a treat and look forward to her posting. The above is my favorite video by her (and I'll be doing this for all the other people I talk about). 

I found Kristen Leo's channel back in 2017 when I was getting into my minimalism and sustainablity phase. It really started with me wanting to declutter and find a new sense of style but suddenly I found my self on the side of YouTube that talks about fast fashion and over consumption. I don't watch her videos super often but I've been hella angsty about capitalism and global warming lately so I've been watching more of her videos because mood. 

I check on DW news to have a general idea of what's going on but I like watching their documentary channel more. When I watch these documentaries, I remember the time I had a phase where I watched a shit ton of TED talks back in high school 

I really like how Second Thought breaks down lefist ideas. Really got into this channel after the pandemic started. 

I found Vaush's channel after joining this forum. I watch his content quite frequently tbh. 

 

Academy of Ideas is a little bit towards the overly individualistic world view and therefore can be a magnet for Jordan Peterson fanboys but with a critical eye, this channel is a pretty good philosophy channel. I don't know why but this channel reminds me of the time I had a School of Life phase a few years back. 

Commentary Channels: 

I don't know when I found Tiffany Ferg's channel but I know that I really started getting into her videos when she started doing her internet analysis series which eventually turned into her niche. I find them really interesting and entertaining. Jordan Theresa's content is similar to Tiffany's and I have been binging lately. 

I'm putting Luke Alexander and D'Angelo Wallace in the same category mainly because I watch both of them for commentary about YouTube drama. I don't keep track of YouTube drama mainly because I don't care but I like knowing what's happening along with something insightful thrown in the mix. I'm not super into their channel but I check up and binge every now and then. 

The Take's media analysis is always on point. I had to subscribe. 

I couldn't decide which video by the Pop Culture Detective to put so I decided to put two of them there. I love the sociological analysis that goes into these videos. I even used one as a part of a presentation for a research project in college. 

 

 

I found Brooey Descenel recently. I posted about her earlier but I really like her way of analyzing media even though I'm not a huge TV or movie person and even though I haven't watched the vast majority of the pieces she talks about. 

Self Help: I'm going to separate this into a few sections

Channels with good vibes: 

I noticed that I watch Kaylyn Nicholos's KOZE channel, Leeor Alexandra, and Isabel Palacios whenever I find myself spiraling. They just give me good vibes and put me into a postive mindset where I don't feel like I have to spiral about petty things. I found them when I got really into manifestation.

Channels that I use to really sort through the bs in my life: 

These are the channels that make me want to sit down and contemplate what has been said afterwards. I don't think I really need to expand that much 

Health related videos:

I found Abbey Sharp about a year ago and I really like her approach to healthy eating and how she emphasizes a good relationship with food and your body. I find her videos informative and socially conscious. 

I found Kiana Docherty's channel ad I have been learning more about food. She does commentary on food and dieting and I feel like she haw very reasonable opinions. 

I also found this channel as I have been getting more and more into food and my health. What I've Learned has a lot of good videos on food related content which is important because there is a lot of bs when it comes to diet circulating around. 

Edited March 1, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Media Consumption Part 4: Being in my Head

I noticed that pretty much all of my channels have some combination of the following: a form of analysis, spirituality, leftism. When it comes to the leftism part, pretty much all of the channel creators have hinted at that being their view in politics even if it isn't the bulk of their channel content. I think that is important to note down as far as how my world view and my attitude is being formed.  

And when I'm not doing that, I'm usually doing school work which means I'm reading a shit ton of peer reviewed journals usually about the social sciences (I don't have that many readings or papers in my business classes). That means more analysis related content, usually in a more dense form. I should probably also add that once I got to college, I had what I call my nerd awakening where I I threw myself head first into my work because I fell in love with the subjects I'm majoring in.  While I was still a curious nerd in high school, I was also pretty apathetic towards school because of the subjects I was forced to take and because I wasn't being challenged enough. Both of those things changed when I finally got control over what I got to learn. 

I haven't really socialized much since I got to college for a variety of reasons. Now a lot of that has to do with me being trapped at home. I retreated to analyzing different subjects and being in my head even more so. 

This is a tangent but I've been contemplating the nature of my personal masculine and feminine energies.

My masculine energy is very analytical and strategic. It copes with issues by wanting to jump head first into problem solving. It's very assertive and good with maintaining boundaries. It is productive and finds satisfaction by making and achieving goals. I feel that my masculine energy can be rather authoritative which is why people assume I have my shit together and know what I'm doing. That can be intimidating to some and I have been told this in a number of occasions. 

My feminine energy on the other hand is more contemplative and intuitive. It isn't as structured as my masculine energy and instead wants to take things slowly at it's own pace so that I can take every emotion in an experience in. My feminine wants to take a warm bath, and then curl up in another person's arms instead of always being on the go. It honors the strength in vulnerability. My feminine energy is also giggly and carefree. That can give me a rather sociable and bubbly appearance to others. 

My masculine and my feminine energy intersects when it comes to being in my head. My masculine side is oriented towards analyzing something on the outside while my feminine side is more oriented towards contemplating things on the inside. I think there is also an intersection when it comes to my interest in the social sciences. My feminine side is more interested in the social aspect of it in order to empathize with people in different backgrounds while my masculine side is more interested in the systemic aspect of it and how the world works on a larger scale. Finally, there is an intersection when it comes to leftism. My feminine side is interested in it because it cares about people and wants people to have a basic sense of well being and be able to be free from structural issues so that they can live a more carefree and fulfilling life. My masculine side wants more efficiency in the system by taking care of the people first so that the world can further actualize its potential. 

I think my masculine side is more drawn to really information-dense types of media while my feminine side is drawn to more spiritual and emotionally dense types of media.

Edited March 2, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

In honor of March 2021 when I'm not even done processing March 2020

Edited March 2, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Personal Development To Do List

(bolded ones are the ones I want to focus on more) 

• Need an internship and clarity about my career
• Achieve financial freedom
• Get out more
• Make friends and get into a relationship
• Get out of your head and stop hyper analyzing
• Get over social anxiety
• Address feelings around shame
• Get your physical health together
• Stop procrastinating
• Be gentle with yourself
• Tackle your perfectionistic tendencies
• Stop basing your self worth on your competence
• Stop spiraling about capitalism

Edited March 2, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[RendHeaven]

You have one of the most well-put together journals.

I love the bullet points, text bolding, and relevant video clips.

[soos_mite_ah]

@RendHeaven Thank you 

I see this place as an organized mess of me psychoanalyzing myself. I'm glad you see the organized part of it lol 

[soos_mite_ah]

You'll Thank Me One Day

I know I already posted a meme about how I was feeling because I find the rest of the scene also applicable. 

The little girl is just like "well, excuse me" which honestly is a mood. I feel I keep talking about my situation with not coping with this very well and I'm sure if I vented out to people I would seem over dramatic and unable to adapt. 

Her grandpa is just like "Just keep digging, you'll thank me one day" and it made me think of the last time I felt absolutely horrible about life back in 2018. That time was awful but now I can look back at that time I took for myself and be grateful for that opportunity, even though I was suffering when I was in it. It isn't nostalgia. It isn't the wish to go back to that time of my life and relive it (god no). It's about zooming out and seeing the conflict for what it means for the rest of the story. 

That's how I try to think of somethings in my life, as if I'm part of some novel and I'm the reader, the writer, and the character all at once. Oftentimes when we read a good book, our favorite moments that are the most meaningful to us aren't the happiest parts, or the parts that are the most exciting rather sometimes they are the ones that are the most bittersweet, the ones that make us grow the most, the ones that are the most insightful. But it's hard to see that when you are also the character in the story, the main character at that. Naturally you want what feels the best for you in that moment. But that doesn't always make a good story does it. 

And I hope that one day in the future, I can look back at this time and be thankful for the pandemic, thankful for the lockdown, and thankful for how much time I have had to spend with my parents. It's painful now but I will make it worth it for I will be. I might not have much faith right now and my circumstances, but I have faith in the person I'm becoming, in who I want to be. 

Even though I don't want to and even though it is hard, but maybe I should use this opportunity to dig into my psyche more and really sort out my issues so things are effortless when this shit is over and I can hit the ground running. 

Edited March 2, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Media Consumption Analysis Part 5: Instagram

I have 3 Instagram accounts. One is my main that everyone follows, one is my finsta where I let people who are close to me follow, and then the last one is what I call my antisocial social media. No one follows that account. I disabled the first two recently because I caught myself comparing myself to people and getting into spirals. I'm going through something rough at the moment and I don't want to add salt to the wounds I'm trying to heal.  The third account, my antisocial social media is the only account I have at the moment. 

On my antisocial social media, I don't follow anyone I know in real life. I also don't have anyone following me. I only follow accounts that bring me joy on that account. I see my feed as the dream board that updates itself. I mainly follow a bunch of South Asian small businesses and content creators, music that I stan, YouTubers I enjoy watching, people advocating for mental health, a few people I find attractive, and a couple of social justice accounts. I don't go on my Instagram super often but I usually log on like once or twice a week. 

The biggest portion of accounts I follow are South Asian small businesses and content creators. Most of these people are from the U.S. or U.K. and they fuse both western culture and their South Asian background into their content. When I first found these accounts, it was the first time I felt represented in the media. Like completely represented. I have resonated with media before but it always felt like only part of me was being represented instead of the whole of me. For instance, while I enjoyed watching Bollywood movies occasionally, as a kid I didn't resonate with it that much because the American part of me wasn't being represented. And it doesn't help when brown people, usually people in my parent's generation or people who are straight from South Asia make you feel like you aren't brown enough or that if you are South Asian American, you don't have a culture rather you are a watered down version. Then you have mainstream American society that doesn't make sense from the way you were raised at home. So basically you find yourself in this awkward in between. I grew up in an area without a lot of South Asian Americans so I didn't have many people to relate to. It felt a little isolating at times. Sometimes I can't relate to people at school and sometimes I can't relate to my parents and family when it comes to the way they were raised. 

Luckily, I didn't go through the phase of hating myself as a brown person. I know a lot of brown people who lived in predominantly white areas go through that phase where they feel the need to whitewash themselves in order to fit in. I've met some brown people in college who went as far to Trump supporters in order to gain acceptance from white peers which is YIKES to say the least. I grew up in a predominantly black and Hispanic area. A lot of people were children of immigrants who shared some parallels with my upbringing even if they didn't share my experience with being South Asian. And mostly everyone were people of color so we didn't hate on each other on the base of that. Even though I did have to deal with racism on a systemic level with my school being underfunded because of socioeconomic reasons and things of that nature, there is only a handful of instances of racism I faced in that environment, none of which made me hate myself. In that way, I consider myself incredibly lucky. 

That said, even though I never hated being brown, I wasn't exactly proud of being brown either.  But a lot of these accounts really showed me the beauty of being brown in the South Asian diaspora. We don't have some type of watered down culture, we have our own. 

One of my favorite accounts is @brownhistory. The account posts pictures with captions telling people's personal stories when it comes to immigrating. I personally didn't know a lot of my own history as a South Asian American. Obviously I learned American history in school and I have a basic understanding of Asian history from my parents and my world history classes, but when it came to the South Asian diaspora, I pretty much had to teach myself. 

I also follow a lot of fashion accounts. Some of them are of Indian clothing designers because I find Indian clothes so beautiful. When it comes to special occasions, I don't feel dressed up unless I'm in something Indian. But a lot of accounts are from South Asian American influencers and small business owners. I find the way they combine eastern textiles and designs into western outfits and make something new and creative. I really like @srutijaydevan and @amydevan 

 

There is also an account called @browngirltherapy that breaks down the mental health issues that a lot of people from the South Asian diaspora face. Asian Americans in general have the highest rate of mental health issues especially when it comes to things like depression while being the least likely group to get help. A lot of it has to do with stigmatization in those communities as well as a cultural disconnect between therapists and client. 

And finally, of course I follow a handful of South Asian meme accounts. The best part of being brown in America is that you get memes from two different cultures and it's like you share inside joke with a large group of people lol.

My aunties watch Indian soap operas for the plot. My friends and I watch them for the memes and the overdramatic transitions. 

I know people can drag social media for being low consciousness and a waste of time but IMO, you can use social media as a way to uplift yourself and educate yourself as well. It's not so much about social media being bad or good, rather it's about learning how to use it mindfully. I also feel that the best part of social media is that you can make your own platform instead of waiting around for the industry to approve of you. It's a democratization of media. Sure there is a dark side of it where you have people who shouldn't have a voice like conspiracy theorists and alt righters having a platform but I also think it's unfair to discount the good that comes from this which is that minority voices can have a platform and reach people. I know people love to drag influencers and Instagram models but if you compare them and fashion models for instance, there is so much more diversity in terms of race, body shape and features in the first group compared to the later. And as a woman of color, there is something empowering about that. Feeling like you are seen sparks a lot of joy. 

Edited March 5, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

I just realized there is a quota on the number of attachments we can have 

I already used up 44% on my journals 

Guess I have to make my journal less visually appealing smh 

I liked having images break apart huge blocks of texts. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Media Consumption Analysis Part 6: Music 

Apart from Lana Del Rey, I would say that I listen to a lot of South Asian American artists, some early 2010's club music, and Bollywood music. I would say that my music taste is entirely determined by my mood. That's how I organize my Spotify playlists lol.

 

 

I'm having a phase with Indian Indie music. It's just so calming and uplifting IMO and that coincides with where I was at with my life recently.  My favorites include Parekh and Singh, When Chai Met Toast, The Local Train, and Prateek Kuhad. I had an indie/ emo phase as a teenager and this feels like a more cheerful continuation of that. Also even though Bollywood is a thing, I never felt like it resonated with me as much because I don't understand Hindi. In addition to that I feel like Bollywood music is mostly party music (at least the popular stuff) and that isn't always a mood. Like I don't want to always listen to party music when I'm doing chores and winding down on a Sunday afternoon.  

I also love Raveena's music and I love her music videos even more. 

I had an aunty introduce me to Vidya Vox and I'm so grateful that she did. I also just lover her sense of style. 

I love how varied Sevdaliza's aesthetic is and her vocals. Her voice is so beautiful. 

Mona Haydar's music is such a mood. I love it. 

And of course I can't forget to mention MIA when talking about brown artists. I was super into her back in my senior year of high school. The background music  of Boyz reminds me of Diwali. 

Both Jay Sean and Anik Khan makes me feel like I can embrace my inner brown f boy. I didn't know Jay Sean was brown for the longest. I remember listening to him when he was big in like 2008-2012 but I never really looked into him all that until I started getting nostalgic over early 2010s music. I dug into his older stuff and I actually like that more. It's funny story how I found Anik Khan. Long story short I went to a party I technically wasn't supposed to be at and he was the performer there. I then went and searched up his music afterwards on my own (that night was wild to say the least). 

And speaking about being nostalgic about old music, I started experiencing what I call end of decade nostalgia back in 2019. That feeling hasn't left yet because I hate the 2020s so far. We Run the Night is the most generic song that I can come up for the 2008-2012 era. Like you even have Pitbull in the mix. Pitbul is basically a meme at this point because my mans was everywhere. And of course you have to have Kesha. It makes me a little sad that when you type in Tik Tok into YouTube, this isn't the first result anymore because of the app. 

In addition to early 2000s and early 2010's party music, I also like listening to Ritviz. I mainly like listening to this type of music when I feel like dancing or when I used to go to the gym. 

Edited March 5, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

The Type of Masculine Energy I Want in my Life

I want a man who is going to be masculine, assertive, and dominant I guess but will express those things in a very gentle way. I crave gentleness in my life and I feel that in order for me personally to be in my feminine energy that I need a man who will be gentle with me so that I feel safe enough to be vulnerable. I feel like I'm embodying my masculine energy most of the time in my life other than when it comes to my appearance. I'm also very comfortable with that. But when I think of a relationship, I think of it as the one place where I can embrace my feminine energy the most. I want to build this sense of emotional intimacy with someone so that I can be emotional and vulnerable around him. 

Another factor that is important in me feeling safe enough to feel like I can be vulnerable is competence. I tend to come off as a very competent person (to what extent this is healthy is something that I'm working through and I'm probably going to do a post on that) and I need a man who will be more competent than me so that I feel like I can rely on him, not in a dependence way but in a way where I have faith that he can take care of business when I'm in my moment of vulnerability. Because a lot of the time due to me encountering dumb men, I find myself in this energy

And honestly, I'm tired of doing everything by myself. I'm tired of being the one who always has to have her life together because the people around me can't get their shit together.

Growing up my parents were incompetent. I often found myself in the position where I had to teach them how to act instead of it being the other way around. I went to schools that were underfunded with teachers who had no idea how to help me reach my goals so I had to figure that out on my own.

In therapy, I'm really good at psychoanalyzing myself, figuring out what's wrong with me, and coming up with a plan to cope.  One time I had a therapist tell me that she lowkey enjoys sessions with me because I essentially solve my own problems and come up with good insights and she just has to intervene every now and then because of a few blind spots I have.  

Even recently with my issues with PCOS, I had to make 8 different doctors appointments because there were a bunch of formalities that they have to go through in order to prescribe me birth control. It was a whole thing that dragged on for like 2 months and in the mean time while they were dealing with whatever they were dealing with, I managed to fix most of my symptoms by trying out different things with my diet.

Finally, I haven't had a solid group of friends I talk to on a regular basis so all of the work I have been doing on myself in therapy, I've been going at it alone with little emotional support. I had to be emotionally there for myself the whole time and there wasn't people that I could really find myself leaning on. It has gotten worse after I had to move back in with my emotionally unavailable family and the isolation I have experienced in the last year. Speaking of making friends, I think it is more important to find a solid group of friends before jumping into a relationship. I don't want to fall into a codependent dynamic.   

As empowering this sense of independence and resilience is, it is also exhausting. It feels like nothing would get done unless I do it myself. And sometimes I want to take a break by curling up next to a guy who knows just as much or more than me. I want to submit to this soft and emotional side of myself because it's a side that I don't get to express very often. 

I want to be emotional without being dismissed as being crazy. I want to be emotional without feeling like I need to be fixed or that there is something wrong with me.
I want to be vulnerable without fearing that someone would take advantage of that and see that as an opportunity to be controlling. I want to feel like I can be safe in a relationship psychologically without needing to be this perfect person with no vulnerabilities and dysfunctions. I don't want to constantly work on myself and feel like in order to be in a healthy relationship that I have to have my life 100% together. 

 

Edited March 6, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

This video came in just in time and I believe it articulates what I was trying to say in my previous post much better. 

[soos_mite_ah]

50 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I had to move back home and I'm not about to move out til August at the earliest. I've been at home for the last year now and I feel so drained by being around my family. I try to maintain boundaries by avoiding certain talking points and by physically keeping my distance by staying in my room all the time. There is a part of me that feels guilty from not being able to be loving enough to accept them fully to where I don't feel hurt by the things they do and say. There is  part of me that feels guilty from not being loving enough because I have resistance to my current environment. 

I don't know if I'm making sense but I hate how this year with my family left me feeling like an eroded version of myself. I wish I could love and accept my circumstances fully but I know that if I adopt that falsely positive attitude, I know that is an act of inauthenticity on my part and denial for what I need/ want. But there is also a part of me that sees needs and wants as being selfish and egoic. I shouldn't care so much about preserving myself and my well being if there isn't a self in the first place. 

I posted this earlier and upon further introspection I realized that this has to do with my issues regarding competence in which I see being loving as a measure of how competently I'm able to handle my situation. I deleted the post after I realized I pretty much answered my own issue. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Priorities 

For the longest time my priorities have looked like this: 

• Self development/ mental health 
• School/ career/ extracurriculars 
• Friends
• Family 
• Everything else 
• .....
• Love 

I feel like these priorities have been shaken up a lot lately. First of all, I'm trying to take a break from the amount of self development work I've been doing because some of it isn't coming from a healthy place and I feel a little burnt out. Second, I'm not in school and I'm having issues with getting internships because of the current situation. In place of that I'm prioritizing learning mainly to do something I enjoy rather than to stress myself out. Learning is also one of my big values so there is that. Next, I'm pretty isolated from people in general and the panorama hasn't helped much in helping me make more friends. Family is stressing me out because I'm around them all the time. Everything else usually refers to doing things I enjoy and that can be a lot of things.

And then we have love. For the longest time getting into a romantic relationship seemed like the last thing on my mind despite me craving a significant other pretty much constantly. Just by the way I was raised I was always taught that prioritizing romantic relationships when you're young is a recipe for disaster, that you're basically throwing away your future and you'll get pregnant. My parent's wanted me to prioritize school and career so that I would be successful growing up. Typical Asian parents I know. But even at a young age I knew that there were short comings for that mainly because I knew about that whole archetype of a person chasing money and success and ending up absolutely miserable in their life. I instead opted to prioritize self development and mental health because to me that seemed like a more balanced and holistic priority. I still saw the importance of keeping school/career/ extracurriculars high on the list because it's important to have a sense of purpose, have some hobbies to ground you and force you to grow, and have some way of providing for yourself in the future. I didn't neglect my friendships mainly because I prioritized my mental health and part of that means maintaining a solid social circle even though my life didn't revolve around my friends. But love and relationships on the other hand was like the very thing that shouldn't be a priority. That's the message I got growing up. Funny how I'm 21 now and my parents expect me to be married by 24 and have kids by 26. That is most likely not going to happen. Like I haven't even been in a relationship or had my first kiss slow tf down. I think that's a reason why I get tired of dating so easily. I know it takes effort but because it isn't much of a priority and I've been taught that it shouldn't be a priority, I never felt compelled to taking dating seriously.

I think love needs to be higher on the list considering where I'm at with my life at the moment. I think I would really benefit from having more experience in this aspect of life, having a healthy masculine presence to balance somethings out, and explore my sexuality more. I guess there is some guilt associated from seeing this as a need and a priority because of my upbringing. I think at the moment my priorities should look more like this:

• Everything else/ enjoying myself
• Self development/ mental health (I know I said I needed a break from self development but I literally don't have much to do because of my current situation)
• Love (well right now it's more like contemplating about love and ***manifesting*** since I can't go out lol) 
• Friends 
• School/ career/ extracurriculars 
• Family 

After I get back to school I think my priorities should look more like this:

• Enjoying myself/ mental health
• School/ career/ extracurriculars 
• Love 
• Friends 
• Self development (since I need a break)
• Family 

I don't think there was anything wrong with my priorities  before hand but I'm adjusting the order because of what I feel like my needs are at the moment. I don't need to keep working and stress myself out. For a bit, I need to let loose and have fun. 

Edited March 7, 2021 by soos_mite_ah