The Joy Journal

[Preety_India]

@soos_mite_ah  hey Sush, thank you for being here for me. And any time you need something feel free to pm me. I'm always here to be for you. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

@Preety_India of course no problem. Glad i could help 

[soos_mite_ah]

Picking at Wounds 

I have been trying to be more gentle with my skin as far as my skincare routine goes. So far it has been helping my acne, much more so than when I used to be rough with it. I used to us a lot of cleansers with harsh chemicals and fragrances and used physical exfoliants hoping to scrub my acne off of my face. I recently started watching a lot of skin care YouTube videos and I learned that this isn't what you're supposed to do so I went and bought products that would actually help my skin. 

Nevertheless, I still have the bad habit of picking at my acne and the scabs. It isn't uncommon to treat acne roughly but ideally they should be treated like small wounds. Wounds take time to heal and there needs to be gentleness and patience. Acne is like a wound especially when there is blood involved and resembles a cut. And picking at wounds, though it may feel like it's helping because it can give you a smoother surface, does more harm than good in the sense that it lengthens healing time and makes a mess. 

I feel that I also do this on a psychological level as well. I pick at my own wounds emotionally. I want to have this laser focus on whatever is bothering me until I fully deal with it. I want to be fully present with every difficult emotion and feel the absolute depth of those emotions. And while that does help me deal with a situation and take responsibility, it also takes a toll on me. It can lead to rumination or getting lost in a bad feeling, both of which is not conducive to healing. Sometimes, my approach to healing is too harsh. Sometimes I need to be gentle and take things one piece at a time instead of rushing through the healing process. I feel that I want to rush through this process because I'm tired of feeling this way. I want to get better and I want to get better NOW. But as cliché as it is, what you resist persists and slow and steady wins the race. Being gentle involves being patient. 

The Zoloft has been helping me in this regard. It stopped me from going into regular spirals and has this emotional blunting effect. I was concerned about this before because I thought that it would affect my awareness towards my more subtle feelings but for me at least, this medication toned down my super intense emotions. I'm still aware of those emotions but I deal with them in a more gentle pace instead of all at once. In a way, I feel like I'm getting a break from my own mind. And for me, I believe it is much needed because again, I tend to have this laser focus on whatever is bothering me meaning I'm not usually the one to take breaks on my self actualization work. But hopefully, I won't be on this medication for a super long time. I don't want to develop a dependence. 

Edited December 10, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Experience! (or in some cases, lack thereof) 

I feel that in my 21 years, I have a lack of normal life experiences that a 21 year old would have. Sometimes I feel self conscious over how I haven't had my first kiss yet, or a real relationship, how I didn't hang out with my friends much while I was in school because of my parents, how I didn't make friends in college because of my circumstances and the pandemic, how I didn't get to go out and party etc. I'm afraid that I lack the social aptitude of someone my age because of these lack of experiences. I'm sometimes afraid that I'm this weird kid amongst people my age. But I will say that I do have a different set of experiences. Those experiences often make me feel as if the trauma aged me and my world view because I had to take a lot of responsibility and learn about emotional maturity at a young age.  

While I lack the normal life experiences of a 21 year old, I feel that I have a lot of experience in trauma and hardship. It has built a lot of character for me both in the experience of the trauma but most importantly the healing of it. Growing up, my parents were super strict  and often so as a result I wasn't able to have a super care free childhood. As a teenager, I was busy with school and self help work which mainly consisted of coping the trauma I got from my parents. I thought, hey maybe when I get to college, I'll be able to live like a normal college student. Well, that didn't happen. I spent my freshman year picking up the pieces and healing from trauma. I didn't have time to go out and make friends, party, etc. that is normal for a 18 year old at the time. I thought, hey that was one year, I have three years of college, everything is going to be ok. Sophomore year went by and things were getting better. I was doing amazing, better than ever. I finally closed this chapter in my life. But then the pandemic happened. And that will come with it's own issues to heal from. 

I'm really going through something right now in terms of giving up school for a semester. I feel so behind. I was supposed to graduate in 2022 but now I will be in 2023. A lot of the people I graduated with graduated this year. They graduated 2 years early. In a way I'm thankful that I'll be graduating later because of this whole pandemic and what it's doing to the economy. I'm also worried about my lack of job experience. I wasn't able to secure an internship this summer because of the pandemic or summer 2019 because of some health issues. I'm scared of graduating and not being able to support myself or getting stuck in a terrible job with no benefits where I'm essentially the capitalist equivalent of a medieval serf. 

I also have this friend who is engaged (she and the guy are young but they have a super healthy relationship so I'm not worried at all) this year and graduated college this semester. I went to high school and college with her. She has so many of these I guess normal life experiences. She has friends, was able to travel, did amazing in college etc. She did have bits and pieces where she had issues, I mean it's not like her life was perfect, but she has come through them in such a functional way.  She always just had her life together. It's like even if she did have issues, she is so effortlessly ahead of me in terms of life and mental stability. I will admit, I am jealous. I know that I can't compare apples to oranges and that my life circumstances is very different but I guess because we grew up together in the same town, went to the same high school, and have similar socioeconomic backgrounds, I do fall into a trap of comparing myself to her. 

I know life isn't a race. I know that I will do things in my own time table. I don't even want to get married or settle down before I'm 30. I know that it's better if I graduate later than 2020 because of these circumstances. But I feel so behind. I feel like I'm wasting my youth. Because I have been cooped up in the house for almost a year, I'm getting this feeling of restlessness where I just want to go out and do stuff. To. Live. I feel this need to make up for lost time. I spent so much time doing inner work and quite frankly, I'm exhausted. Since I'm still stuck in the house, I guess for now I'm just going to avoid social media so that I'm not triggered by FOMO.

I often catch myself thinking, when will my life begin. And then one time I stopped myself and was like, well, I'm living now aren't I? Why should I put a narrow standard of what consists of living. There are a lot of a lot of people with normal non traumatic life experiences feel that their lives have zoomed by them because they weren't being conscious and present in their circumstances. As long as I'm present, conscious and I take each moment in with all of it's intricacies, I'm living to my fullest.

Edited December 11, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Little Reminders Throughout My Day: Things I Tell Myself When I Catch Myself Spiraling

I am in my own time line 

Gentleness is patience. Discipline is patience. Have faith in the timing of your life and your healing. Be gentle with yourself. 

I might have problems doing something now, but it won't be forever. I am capable. 

This too shall pass. 

I have gone through difficult things before and I am strong enough to handle them. 

It's ok to feel. Just be with the difficult emotion. It's ok.  

Gentleness is empathy. 

I will figure the circumstances of my life in due time. 

This is temporary in the bigger picture even if it feels forever right now. 

This is circumstantial. It isn't inherent to who I am and what I am capable of. 

You are not the only one struggling. This is hitting different people in different ways. Everyone is having issues. I am not  weak or incompetent for struggling. Struggling doesn't make a person weak and incompetent. 

I am not what is happening to me. I am the person experiencing the circumstance. 

Social media is a highlight reel. You don't know what people are going through behind closed doors. When you compare yourself to these people, you are comparing yourself to what you think their reality is like. You are comparing yourself to imaginary people with imaginary lives. 

I got my life together once, and I will do it again.

 

 

Edited December 11, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[Preety_India]

Struggling always makes you stronger. Remember I'm proud of you and your struggles. You have this going for you. 

And in my opinion.... 

 you are Bright Brilliant Beautiful. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

@Preety_India Thank you so much. This means a lot to me ??

[soos_mite_ah]

A Reset 

I spent a few days at my friend's house earlier this week. It helped me remember who I am around other people. I felt that I really needed a break from my parents and the bs that has been happening in my house. And that instinct was right. I felt more refreshed and capable after leaving my friend's house. It helped me re-contexualize my current situation so I'm not so identified with it. That is super important considering I have been having issues not internalizing things. I knew in theory that I'm not what happens to me and that I'm not my feelings but emotionally I have yet to integrate that fully. 

But on the downside, even though I feel refreshed, I felt this sense of emotional heaviness and emotional paralysis upon coming home. I think a lot of the things that are happening right now have to do with my environment and what I associate that with. 

My parent's have also been all over the place since I came back. The day I came back was the day that my mom's purse got stolen at the grocery store. The purse had her glasses, credit card, phone, driver's license, house key, and car key. So now we are trying to retrieve all of those things and cancel the credit card. Also we have to switch the locks in the doors of our house because whoever this person is has the address and the key so that's not good. Until then we have to be extra careful. We called the cops and everything with little luck but yeah there is a lot of stress for all of us. 

This is tangentially related but I have also found an article about how shoplifting is also on the rise all over the country. It's mainly for basic necessities such as food, diapers, and baby formula. The pandemic, recession, lack of help from the government, is causing people to get desperate as people go hungry and homeless. As soon as my mom's purse was stolen there was a fraudulent purchase from the super market. It seemed as if it was probably the price of groceries for that person. Even though my family is stressed out with medical bills, and issues with COVID as a few more people we know have passed away after contracting it, and the stolen purse incident,  my heart still goes out to the person who stole my mom's purse. I don't know what the hell they must be going through. 

I know the problems with 2020 isn't going to be solved once 2021 comes in but I hope people can feel like they can mentally reset and give this god awful year a rest. Thankfully there is a vaccine that is being used for health care workers now and this will go out to the public next year. 

God, I just want this stupid pandemic to be over. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Thought this was really insightful. Posting this here so I don't lose it. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Spending Time with My Stage Orange Friends 

I know I talked about me spending some time at my friend's house a couple posts back. I also invited them over as well because they like me were also going stir crazy with their parents. We mainly talked about growing up whether it is about what we were like as kids and revisiting old plays we did together or where each of us were with our lives. I caught all of us becoming more and more distant with one another in the last couple years so having those conversations with how we felt about our relationship with each other was so helpful because it made us feel close again, cleared up any confusion and awkwardness that built up over the years, and let each of us be vulnerable with what we are going through. We also gossiped about people we grew up with and talked about general self help stuff in regards to how each of us are making an effort to grow. And finally, we all cooked a lot together during this time because for each of us, cooking has become a coping mechanism to being stuck in the house all day. 

When it came to the self help stuff, my friends are in the place in their lives where they are still building a strong ego. That usually has to do with building confidence and getting to know your likes, dislikes, strengths, and weaknesses. I'm in a different place in my life where I'm trying to dismantle different labels that I hold on to and deconstruct my ego. We talked about building a strong ego in the context of our school lives as well as our wardrobes, diet, dating, and body image. It was really fun to evaluate each other's wardrobes when it came to figuring out our body types, what flatters each of us, and what kind of vibe fits our personality. It wasn't really anything new to me. I went through a similar process with building up an ego and finding out what works for me a few years ago (around when I was 16-17) but revisiting that and helping my friends with their journey was interesting. It was interesting because it helped me ground myself more. I feel that I sometimes get so caught up with more advanced self development that I don't give myself credit for the basic stuff that I have already sorted through. It also helped me be more practical and hands on as opposed to grappling with different complex ideas that I often find with Leo's videos. I think seeing people go overboard with advanced self development can be seen on this forum with some people who are obsessed with tripping and racking up on awakening experiences. Don't get me wrong, self development is a really good hobby and a noble way to live life but it's important to stay grounded with life outside of this sphere imo so you don't lose yourself in the process. 

I would say that my friends are mainly stage orange and green. They have green ideals and values but their interests and the media they gravitate towards is orange. During these sleepovers we gossiped about people who were acting wild in our lives, watched Bollywood Wives and other reality tv series, and watched Korean Dramas. I personally don't gravitate towards these things. I don't watch reality TV or cheesy rom coms, not because I don't like them but because I'm more into other things. But I can enjoy myself and appreciate things. And that's what I let myself do. I think I have been overdoing the self help lately and I needed to let loose and be consciously unconscious if that makes sense as a way of taking a break. Like I'm thinking of taking a break from self help work and start reading more fiction books and watching a bunch of TV shows I tell myself to watch but I never do. I think it's a good idea to have a source of entertainment to connect to people and just unwind tbh. I think this also goes along with embracing my inner basic bitch. 

Also going off of how they are trying to build and get to know their egos while being in stage orange and green, I figured that I could introduce them to astrology with the natal charts and everything as well as the law of attraction. We all honestly had a ball reading each other's birth charts and what they meant as well as doing a bunch of random tarot pick a card readings on YouTube. I don't really believe in astrology all that much but I do believe that it can be a great tool to get to know yourself and have a language to share somethings about yourself with. To me, all of this was just good fun tbh that probably helped my friends. 

Edited December 23, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Bright Eyed Bushy Tailed Energy 

I feel the need to really gush about something and get it out of my system to be more at peace with it. 

There was a guy that I met in college about a year ago. I remember walking into my 8 am class. I didn't like this class so for the first day I rolled out of bed looking like Billie Eilish (aint nothing wrong with her just that I was in baggy clothes and sunglasses because I didn't give af) and sat in the back of the class near the exit. There was a man there who began talking. My mind instantly went "Who is THAT???." I thought he was kind of cute. He was my type appearance wise. He dressed really well, was around 5'7", was somewhat toned, had wavy hair, a beard, a big nose, and a beautiful smile. He also had a beautiful accent. I'm not normally an accent person but I've been hearing the frat guy voice on repeat for the last year or so and this voice felt like a breath of fresh air. He looked pretty young so I assumed that he was my TA. It was a fairly large class. Then I looked at the syllabus. "Well," I thought "he doesn't look like a Natalie and he sure as hell doesn't look like an Alyssa." And then he told the class that he was our professor. That felt awkward on my part because of my initial thought of him being attractive.

I brushed it off. I see attractive guys everyday but it really doesn't phase me. I thought it was going to be the same case with this guy. But I caught myself being attracted to the way he carried himself. He was always cheerful in class. Sure some people found that annoying since it was so early in the morning but to me he seemed endearing. He genuinely loved what he was doing, or at least seemed like it. He would bring donuts and snacks to class, shared pictures of his puppy with us, and during finals season he sent us a collection of his favorite memes. He also had this maternal sense of compassion where he cared about us but also had a slight streak of anxiety, not to the point where it felt neurotic but in the sense of how much he cared. I remember during midterm season he went on for like 10 minutes of all of the ways that he could help us prepare and how he is available to help followed by how he was more worried about the exam than we were. It wasn't because everyone was doing poorly, the class average seemed fine. He just wanted everyone to do well. He was very on top of things and more proactive than a lot of my other professors so at the very least I could appreciate his competence. Over all to me he came off as someone who was authentic, optimistic, kindhearted, energetic, and put together. I don't know why but he reminded me of a golden retriever. 

I really caught myself falling for him when my roommate at the time pointed it out. She asked me why I'm always dressed up with my hair and my makeup done on certain days of the week every week. She then began inquiring if someone caught my eye from the classes I have on those days. I caught myself getting flustered and embarrassed. I'm not supposed to be daydreaming about my teacher, especially when I'm supposed to be paying attention in his class. Some days I would be hyper focused because I wanted to hang on every word he had to say so I can do well in his class while on other days I lost his message in the cadence of his voice. Regardless, I worked hard for his class. In my mind, the most I could do is appear like a good student who puts effort into her work. I wouldn't dare say anything about my likings towards him. First of all, I'm too flustered to say anything outside of the content I need help on when I'm at his office. I mean I know that I blush REALLY EASILY and knowing this I made it a point to where extra makeup because I didn't want him to see how red I was. But more importantly  the last thing I want to do is get him in trouble, especially if I'm the one causing that trouble. The whole thing felt too taboo and too perverted to me. There was a lot of shame wrapped around this one crush. But I'd say that it was a healthy dose of shame, the type that would stop you from doing something stupid because you knew better and knew of the consequences at play. 

I began asking myself why I felt so mesmerized by him. After all, I barely knew him. I thought about the traits I liked about him such as how light hearted he is, how conscientious he is, and his over all bright eyed bushy tailed demeanor. I also liked having another brown person in the business school with me. Lets just say that my college is lacking in people of color. And then I realized, the main reason why I liked him was because I saw myself in him. Not only did I see myself in him, I saw the best version of myself in him. Throughout this semester I began taking care of myself more physically and taking more time to get ready in the morning. At first it was only on the days I had his class but soon enough it was an everyday ritual that I did to feel refreshed. Doing my hair and makeup, and picking out an outfit instead of rolling out of bed and going to class in whatever I had on, felt like my cup of coffee in the morning. Except I got that feeling without any caffeine and I felt cute during the entire day. Initially, I made it a point to be proactive and study really hard for his class but those habits trickled into my other classes as well to where I didn't procrastinate on my work anymore. I also began working out and eating better and as a result physically I felt amazing. But most importantly, I felt myself being more cheerful and more in tuned with that bright eyed bushy tailed side of myself, the side that he often projected in class. Even though I have no chance with him, the reason why I was so mesmerized was that in a way, liking him made me like myself more. I saw the best version of myself in him and I began moving towards that version of myself in his presence.  I really embodied this part of myself earlier in the year before the pandemic but I slipped back into old ways for a variety of reasons. I am looking to get back into that same place sometime in the next year. 

Like I said before, I barely know him. A lot of the things I like about him are projections; things I aspired to be, good qualities I myself had, and possible issues that are unresolved from childhood. I might get into the later in a different post in the future. Because I have limited information on him, I realize that I am infatuated with a fantasy. For all I know he could be far from that fantasy behind closed doors. I'm not really looking to get over this if I'm going to be honest. There is a low chance that I'll ever see him again and I personally like having someone I could make romantic scenarios about before I go to sleep at night. Even if I did meet him again, I doubt I'd do anything because I know that I'm more attached to the idea of him than who he actually is. I think realizing that this is nothing more than a fantasy is enough for me. It acknowledges my tastes and my feelings without evoking shame or enabling chaos and delusion. It's difficult to get over a fantasy because fantasies are perfect. And I acknowledge that difficulty and I'm at peace with it. 

Edited December 24, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Christmas Cheer

My family has never been really big on Christmas. We mainly get gifts for each other so we don't look like assholes and we decorate the house with lights. Growing up I envied people who would spend time with family on Christmas. I don't have extended family in the U.S. so it's really just me and my parents. I often feel lonely in this time of year. I feel uncared for and forgotten. I typically visit my relatives but they haven't visited us in 20 years. There isn't any bad blood from what I know, just procrastination. They are always like "oh we'll come next year" but that never happens. Those empty promises definitely messed with me when I was a kid. 

Then I went to therapy once I got to college. I sorted out a lot of the issues I had from my childhood. I also had the opportunity to go to India and Dubai during Christmas for 2018 and 2019. And after I healed myself, I realized how much I didn't enjoy being around the family that I would yearn to visit me. This is rather harsh I know but for the sake of privacy, lets just say that after I sorted out my dysfunction I noticed how dysfunctional everyone else was and how much I didn't want to be around that energy since I worked to hard to overcome my past issues. 

This year I am spending Christmas alone with my parents yet again since I can't travel. But for the first time in a long time, I don't mind. I guess sometimes you need a taste of what you think you want to get over it because you realize it isn't all that it seems. Experience slaps you back into reality. I enjoyed the peace of mind that I had during this Christmas. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Thought these two videos were interesting. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

I really need to develop my friendships and social circle more if I want to develop as a person. I need to bounce back my self actualization energy with other people so we can help and support one another on our journey through life, not because we need to support each other but because supplementing support can make foundations stronger. 

The biggest part of the battle is finding people. Once you find the right people, maintenance isn't to difficult IMO and experience. 

Edited December 28, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Life Update General Health: 

I finished 1 month of Zoloft. I feel better emotionally and I feel like I have a clearer head. I think I'm going to request a smaller dose with the psychiatrist since I'm doing pretty well. I know I probably mentioned this before but it's like I got a break from my own mind. I can acknowledge my negative emotions but I don't have to go super intense with them and spiral into them. When a lot of that intensity was controlled, it was actually easier to process the things happening with me in my life. Gentleness really is key when it comes to processing. Going at things too strongly at once can be counter productive. 

I also changed up my diet quite a bit. I am keeping an entire food journal about this in my other journal here where I am recording what I eat in a day as well as anything interesting I find pertaining to my nutrition and health. I still have quite a bit to go but I feel like I'm off to a good start. I also started cooking my meals more by myself. Because I'm at home, I tend to let my mom cook (and she insists) but cooking for me has been empowering. Upon coming back home because of the pandemic, I felt as though a lot of my sense of independence and autonomy has been taken from me. Cooking and taking care of food on my own has helped me gain back that sense of control and that feeling of capability. Plus I'm having a lot of fun with it by trying new foods and recipes. 

I am getting my period again and it is coming closer to resembling my regular cycle. I think things should be back to normal in a month or two. My acne has also cleared up and I feel like I lost a little bit of weight. My hair also stopped thinning so that's good. I can't wait to continue on this health journey and see how much progress I can make. 

[soos_mite_ah]

@modmyth Yeah as a kid they let me do whatever Christmas-y things I wanted to do which to me meant making cookies, putting up the tree, making Christmas lists, and hanging stockings but as I got older we all lost the motivation to go all out. I guess to my parents Christmas always seemed like an American/ Christian thing and because they grew up in a different country with a different faith. In India and Bangladesh, Christmas is recognized because there are Christians there, but because they are such a small population, it's not like huge deal there. Mainly people just get Christmas eve and Christmas day off and that's it. Even though they enjoy Christmas festivities, like the lights, the Christmas parties etc. it never resonated with them deep down inside on a traditional level. I mainly found about all of the things people would do on Christmas and Santa in school, particularly elementary school where our teachers would let us do a lot of Christmas related arts and crafts. We still decorate the house with Christmas lights because my grandmother really liked it but that's really about it. I would just tell my friends that straight up on how my family wasn't really into Christmas because it didn't resonate on a deep cultural level with them. It is normally not met with anything other than understanding but I remember when I was younger and I was in middle school some of the kids felt sorry for me after they talked about what they got for Christmas because I didn't really get too many presents.

Yeah I'm trying to find more people to expand my social circle. I was planning on really putting myself out there and then COVID happened so those efforts got delayed lol. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

@modmyth Yeah my parents are more keen on celebrating Hindu holidays. While the holidays are oriented around religion, especially in the U.S., when people come together to celebrate Diwali for example, there is more of an emphasis on culture rather than the religious aspects. Normally you would have to pray for like 15-20 minutes and then the rest of it is eating, hanging out with friends, music and dance performances etc. To me growing up and, hell even now, I always used those holidays as an occasion to get fancy and dress in traditional Indian clothes as well as interact with other south asian people because I grew up in an area where there weren't many south asian people there. 

Seeing what post-covid socializing is going to be like is going to be interesting to say the least. I can't wait for that to happen since I'm really ready to start putting myself out there more, but on the other hand, there is this inner sociologist in me that wants to stand in the sidelines to observe and analyze differences between then and now.  

[soos_mite_ah]

As The Years Go By, As We Grow Up And Grow Old

 

 

I find these to be absolutely facinating. The 50's and 60s don't feel like they were that long ago to me, I guess mainly because both of my parents are on the older side and were born in those decades. But looking at these videos, it really feels like a long lost dystopian alternate universe. These videos really bring out the inner time traveler in me. I remember as a kid liking movies, books, and TV shows that had an element of time travel in them.

One of my favorite shows growing up was this crime drama (one of my favorite genres) called Cold Case where two detectives in the early 2000s would look at cold cases from decades ago ranging from the 1920s to the 1980s and whenever they would interview people that the victims knew or people that might have clues relating to who committed the murders, they would show little flashbacks of younger versions of those people from decades ago as well as the societal norms they adhered to back then. I remember that one of my favorite episodes was about this teenage girl who was murdered in the late 50s. While the 50s are very known for their rigid gender roles, this girl was very much a tomboy. She got in trouble a lot with teachers and her parents and her peers often ridiculed her for having short hair, wearing pants, not having any interest in makeup etc. She wasn't trans but she carried herself in a very androgenous way. Because this was the 50s, they thought there was something messed up in her brain and thought she was confused about her gender so she was sent to a mental hospital where she underwent a lot of shock therapy that messed with her emotionally. Her death was super sad to me because she broke out of the hospital with the help of her friend. She had one guy friend who was also in love with her. She asked him to take her to the spot by the lake where they hung out and then asked him to kill her since the shock therapy more or less put her in a very unresponsive state. The way this episode was shot was in a way that show cased the social dynamics of the time, the rigidity etc. while still having a focus on the present day detective work. I remember searching up the accuracy of the depictions in that episode and surprisingly apparently shock therapy for not adhering to gender roles were very much a thing back then. I was horrified that things were that bad back then. 

Another vintage thing that I find fascinating is people's view back then of what the future is going to be like. This is a video from 1967 about what they thought 1999 was going to be like. I find this comical because 1999 wasn't like that lol. It also reminds me of the time I decided to watch the movie Back to the Future Part II where Marty travels to 2015 back in 2013 as a kid and finding it wild that the people back then thought we would have flying cars and actual hoverboards by then. I think focusing on the technological advancements of the future is a less controversial and more whimsical way of imagining the future. Maybe this is the way my mind works but whenever I contrast the 50s and now, the first thing that comes to my mind is social progress and how people view their place in society. Like sure we have a lot of technology that wasn't present back then but it's not to the point where it's like the Jetsons and its completely other worldly in that aspect.

To me, the other worldly, dystopian aspects of the past comes from people's attitudes and world views. But predicting attitudes and world views can be extremely controversial since they often have a political aspect to them. Like imagine going to the 50s and telling someone that segregation won't be a thing in 2020, interracial marriage is legal, and that people are comfortable with coming out as gay and trans. Of course there are still people who throw a fit with interracial marriage and are homophobic and transphobic, but my point is that all of this would be absolutely inconceivable back in the 50s. Sure we still have problems now and I'm not undermining any of that, but it would be a misconception to say that we haven't come a long way in our collective mentalities. As usual, the trend of history is to be more conscious and loving and as a result more and more left leaning and radical in the eyes of conservatives and people who want to preserve the status quo. And I wonder all the ways we will advance as people in the coming decades and what things we will look back in the 2010s and 2020s and see as barbaric. 

Edited January 1, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Perfectionism

I believe that my perfectionistic tendencies is one of the big barriers to me being more gentle with myself.  To reiterate how I have defined gentleness, I'm going to insert a quote from a previous post on this journal and then to the side I'm going to explain how perfectionism relates to this. 

On 12/3/2020 at 11:07 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

• Gentleness is patience   
• Gentleness is slow (Perfectionism isn't slow or patient. Perfectionism expects to have everything together at once on the first try. It isn't patient with growth and doesn't allow room for mistakes)
• Gentleness is attentive 
• Gentleness is forgiving 
• Gentleness is mercy (Perfectionism isn't forgiving and merciful. It nitpicks at mistakes and ruminates over them)
• Gentleness is calm 
• Gentleness is soft  (Perfectionism can be rather harsh as opposed to calm and soft. Softness is seen as weakness and a lack of strictness and calmness can be mistaken for apathy because you aren't neurotically trying to fix every "flaw") 
• Gentleness is loving
• Gentleness is empathetic (Perfectionism doesn't have any room for being loving or empathetic. To the perfectionist, that's seen as making excuses) 
• Gentleness is acceptance (Perfectionism is the opposite of acceptance. It nitpicks at reality because in its eyes it is never good enough) 
• Gentleness is not rushed (see how perfectionism isn't slow or patient) 
• Gentleness is not chaotic (Perfectionism can be very neurotic. It isn't the same thing as valuing excellence as perfectionism doesn't honor the journey for excellence and rather wants to have it instantly) 
• Gentleness is not having unreasonable expectations and doing 20 things at once (Perfectionism is all about unrealistic expectations)

I never thought of myself as perfectionist until the last few months or so. I think we have a caricature of perfectionism is in society. In this caricature, perfectionism is the kid that freaks out if they get a 99 instead of a 100. It's the person who is super meticulous in the way they work and has a spotless room. It's the clean freak who freaks out over spilt milk. These are all very extreme and cartoonish examples of perfectionism.  If anything, I see myself as very contradictory to these tropes. I'm ok with less than perfect grades. I'm not super detail oriented. And finally, I don't have a perfectly clean room (though it is pretty organized most of the time). I'm comfortable with all of these less than perfect scenarios. Because of this perception of perfectionism, I didn't realize I had this problem until recently. The first time I had an inkling about being a perfectionist was when I took the enneagram test and my result came out as a 1w9. That means that I have a type 1 personality with some elements of a type 9 personality according to their system but if I remember correctly, for me it was an even split between 1 and 9. Here is a brief description of  types. They sometimes have different names. I know for type 1s they are usually either called the reformer or the perfectionist. 

I think for most of my life I identified more with my type 9 side rather than my type 1 side, again since perfectionism can be painted as a caricature at times. But I still read the description for type 1 and it resonated with me. I do have very high standards for myself and I expect the best for myself and the people around me mainly because I want to get the most out of my life. It's the reason why I am so drawn to self development. I want to master myself and my life so that I can live a life well spent. 

I didn't realize how critical I was I until I started talking about some issues in therapy. There has been multiple sessions where my therapist pointed out how harsh I was with myself, how unforgiving I was, and how sometimes I interpret exercising empathy for myself in order to be more gentle as making excuses and being lazy. I'm seeing these tendencies more and more with the issues I have been having due to school as well as the way that I am trying to fix my diet (I have a whole nother journal about that right here:) 

For me, perfectionism comes in the form of being very nitpicky. I might have a piece of chocolate which isn't advisable with my health condition and then ruminate on that for a bit because I could have done better. Perfectionism also comes in the form of procrastination. There is a part of me that wants to wait for the best time to do something. Like for example if I intended to start my homework at 5:00 pm and then I look to the clock and I see that it is now 5:03 pm, I'll be like *well I guess I need to wait until its 6:00 pm to get started* instead of just doing my work. And lastly, my perfectionism comes in the form of all or nothing thinking. In a more subtle case, it can be seen when I wake up too late one day and then proceed to see the rest of the day as a waste and do nothing that will be productive in that entire day. In a more extreme case it can be seen in the way that I can isolate myself, especially in dating, because I feel that I need to be the best version of myself and be perfect before putting myself out there. That's a whole thing of it's own and I'm going to do another post on that. 

But yeah, this year I'm focusing more on being gentle with myself. And to do that I need to address my issues surrounding perfectionism. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Snow in Texas 

VID_63460312_211209_197.mp4

It snowed for the first time in 5 years in my area. Normally during this time of year, we get rain that freezes into ice on the road once temperatures hit below freezing, or we get hail. I woke up and saw my neighborhood enveloped in white. I always thought snow was beautiful, granted it's probably because I haven't felt it's wrath since I don't live far up north to experience anything like that. It just brightens everything up imo. 

It also reminds me of this one time it snowed a foot and a half in my area. I was 10 years old. It finally snowed enough to where I could play in the snow. Before when it snowed there was only enough to where I could make an 8 inch tall snowman with a couple of snowballs. But this time, I could make an actual snowman. I also had school that day and I remember all of us were begging to go outside during recess. My class made an igloo together and had a snow ball fight.

And then the day after that school got cancelled mainly because Texans are terrified of snow since none of us really know how to drive in this weather. People were running to the grocery store and grabbing food like it was the apocalypse. That was entertaining and as a child I was excited that I got to get time off of school because that meant that I could have more time to play in the snow. 

.... that excitement only lasted for 5 days. The power went out in my house on the 5th day and as a result there was no heat or electricity. Thankfully the fireplace was a gas powered fire place so we had some heat. But yeah we couldn't cook anything and we couldn't get food anywhere because all of the food places were closed because of lack of power. We ate cold pizza that we bought a few days back. That wasnt fun. It went like this for 3 days and by the end of that I really wanted to go back to school lmao. 

 

So far it has only snowed 3 in. I woke up, made myself some hot chocolate and watched the snow fall. I just let myself be at peace as the snow gently fell to the ground. It's been 2 hours and I have been watching it gradually accumulate. I may be doing the most and I'm pretty sure I would look and sound insane to anyone who lives in an area where it snows often, but even though I have seen snow in other areas many times, Texas snow just feels special to me because it happens so rarely. It's so beautiful and foreign at the same time to where my first thought is met with confusion followed by a second thought of awe. This type of thing really makes my day. I find joy at marveling at things that seem odd and bizarre. 

 

Edited January 10, 2021 by soos_mite_ah