The Joy Journal

[soos_mite_ah]

Phone-a-Friend

I really wish my procrastination issues were as straight forward as simple time / energy management problems. I didn't realize I had so many blockages I needed to address. No wonder I had so much trouble with dealing with this for as long as I have been. This is much deeper and more fundamental of a problem than I could have ever imagined. 

On the other hand, today I had the opportunity to talk to a friend about all of this. My anxiety has been an all time high lately and it's been a lot. I talked through and addressed the ones that I have crossed out. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

• The notion of smart=safe and anything that challenges that  notionmakes me feel unstable
• Feelings around late capitalism 
• coming of age anxiety 
• The trauma I have experienced regarding hard work when it comes to burn out
• Learned Helplessness
• Being pushed too hard as a kid (undisciplined discipline) 
• Associating the pain I felt from the abuse with school 
• Using meditation and spirituality as avoidance of the now 

Normally after talking about things like this in therapy I feel much better. Lately I have tried doing that but for whatever reason it wasn't resonating like it normally did. With this friend, I felt that we were both in similar situations and we could relate to each other. With a therapist, I would basically have a sounding board to voice my problems and have a voice of reason reflect back to me. The later works like 90% of the time but I guess sometimes you really need a connection rather than a reflection. Sometimes you need a friend, not a therapist. I feel like I get a 50-50 deal on connection/reflection on this forum because on one hand people are sharing their experiences and giving advice but on the other hand you can only connect so much online. I know some people can make internet friends easily but honestly, I need face to face communication, especially when we are still building a relationship. Later on it's find if we do everything online or on the phone but it's like it can't just start there. 

She also opened up a lot about the stuff she was going through. Hell I would say that the conversation today was mainly about her. Normally, I would feel invalidated and unheard in this situation where I called specifically to talk about my own issues only to have someone unleash their issues onto me, but this was different. She isn't normally like this and she had a lot going on. It was also related to what I was dealing with too. Taking those things into consideration, I would say that in a way her talking about her problems helped me. It helped me step out of my own paradigm and analyze her situation as well as my own in a more neutral way. It also made me feel like I could open up more because now vulnerability wasn't this one way street where I feel awkward for emotionally opening up.  Over all I am so appreciative of her opening up with me and sharing what was going on. 

Edited October 26, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 1: How I Ended Up Here 

I haven't  been doing good lately, Like, at all.. There is so much that I want to run through and discuss. It's super messy. 

So on October 28, I had an exam that I studied for really hard. I didn't do well. In fact I failed. I had a really bad anxiety attack. I was a mess for the entire day. My legs were numb and had this pins and needles feeling to them. That day was wasted and I didn't get any work done. I have two more exams that I need to study for in a couple of days. 

The next day I woke up with an anxiety attack. I was out of breath and my heart was pounding. Given what I have been through the day before, I decided to get medical help. This was getting out of hand. I ended up going to the hospital because I began having thoughts of hurting myself. They gave me a chance to calm down and then asked me if I wanted to go to a facility to get help or if I would be a danger to myself if I were to leave. I didn't think that I would be a danger to myself. Any thoughts I have for hurting myself is only ideation. But given I have exams the next day and that I haven't prepared at all meaning I'm very likely to fail and given how I reacted last time, I didn't trust myself.  I told them that while I only have ideation, I want help. I need help. I need therapy. My anxiety is getting way out of hand. 

They sent me to a facility. This place resembled a prison more so than a place of healing. There wasn't a faucet. The windows were tinted and had this film around it so you couldn't touch the glass. There was a steel gray mirror that I guess is designed as such so people can't break it. There was no shower head.  You couldn't bring your own toiletries I guess because sometimes they contain alcohol and it could feed someone's addictions or because you could poison yourself. I was allowed to have clothes but they cut any strings so there was no way to cut circulation. You had the option to get a journal to write your thoughts but you were only given crayons to write with as you could hurt yourself or someone with a pen or a pencil. As soon as I got to the facility, they made me take off my clothes down to my underwear. Nothing bad happened but it was to note down any scars, tattoos etc. It was part of their protocol. All of this was. I know they didn't intend on making this shady or anything. While I did understand that a lot of it has to do with not having any way to hurt yourself or others, it felt too much for my case. It was shocking and I felt as though I was treated more like a criminal rather than someone who needs to talk to a professional.  

The therapy there was entirely group therapy. It isn't what I'm used to but I'm willing to take whatever help I can get. It put a lot of things into perspective but I will say that I didn't help my particular case. Most people were talking about homelessness, teen pregnancy, and hardcore drug addictions. Meanwhile I'm here because I'm super anxious about school, the pandemic, and my capabilities.  It did make me feel that I could get over my problems because in comparison my issues aren't nearly as bad  but at the same time I did feel like I was in the wrong place. I don't need a smoke break or an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I need a therapist. 

This place had me shaken up and I communicated that with the people in charge. I told them I was afraid that this is going to make things worse for me emotionally because of my situation. The place felt like an over kill, as if I was being over prescribed a cure to where it became poisonous for me. As a result I was released after 5 days instead of 10-14. 

Nevertheless I did try to make the most of those 5 days. Because I had nothing to do here, I resorted to meditating, almost as if I was treating this place as a retreat. I also spent a lot of time journaling where I mainly wrote down my thoughts about this place as well as what got me here. I'll go on about that in the next posts. 

While I did get out of this place almost 2 weeks a go, I had a lot that I needed to take in. Over all I felt worse after coming out of this place. I was also set back when it came to school and I have made the decision to do a medical withdrawal because I don't think I'm in the place to focus on school right now. More on that later. 

Edited November 15, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 2: Being the "Good Kid"

On 11/14/2020 at 9:05 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

The therapy there was entirely group therapy. It isn't what I'm used to but I'm willing to take whatever help I can get. It put a lot of things into perspective but I will say that it didn't help my particular case. Most people were talking about homelessness, teen pregnancy, and hardcore drug addictions. Meanwhile I'm here because I'm super anxious about school, the pandemic, and my capabilities.  It did make me feel that I could get over my problems because in comparison my issues aren't nearly as bad  but at the same time I did feel like I was in the wrong place. I don't need a smoke break or an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I need a therapist. 

In this part I will be discussing my experiences with the people I have come in contact during my time in the psych ward as well as my reaction towards them. The above paragraph from Part 1 provides a brief overview on the subject. I will go over the systemic issues I have observed in the next part. 

It was reasonable that the psych ward felt like the wrong place for me to get help for my issues. A lot of my issues weren't as serious as the ones most people had to end up in here. The things that I learned in group therapy felt like common sense since I have spent a lot of time doing self actualization work. That's not to say it's not valuable. The things that were being taught were very foundational, like basic self soothing an positive thinking in order to cope. Some of the things that were being taught are very important for people who are say in SD stage blue or red because they don't have a foundation at all. I remember we were talking about how to set boundaries and one woman straight up asked "what are boundaries?" and "what does it even mean to be vulnerable?"  It wasn't in a deep metaphysical sense but in a practical basic understanding sense. I listened to where this woman was coming from. She encountered really bad abuse growing up, got pregnant when she was in high school, got into a series of emotionally abusive relationships, and had no education. She didn't have an idea about her self or the world. She didn't even know when election day was or who was even running. It made sense for her to be confused by these types of things given how her development was stunted and how she wasn't given much of a chance to recover outside of that. For her and many others in those situations, the basic fundamental coping mechanisms are important. For me, I'm in a different stage in my development therefore I'm bound to have different needs. 

Again, part of that discernment is reasonable. I'm in a different place in my journey meaning I will need different tools to help me out. But I also noticed that part of my discernment was also mixed in with judgement and ego. The judgmental side of all of this was the notion of "I'm not in the same situation as these people. I'm not some type of hot mess drug addict or criminal, I'm a student who is struggling." The voice inside my head that said this was saying it in a way that I'm some how better than these people. I'm no better than the drug addict who overdosed and ended up here. I'm no better than the inmate who is here on assault charges involuntarily. We all have one thing in common, self destruction. It might be in different degrees, but it is nevertheless there. Like shades of red, whether they be the deepest of burgundy or the faintest of pink, they fall under the same spectrum, the same gradation of red. We are all troubled. We simply found different ways to cope. 

Strangely enough, the facility reminded me of my high school. I went to a low income high school and there were also a handful of SD stage red people there. They mainly consisted of really loud people who came from destructive home environments. Typically they were characterized as the "bad kids, trouble makers, people with no futures who will end up in prison etc." A lot of the people at the ward reminded me of those people. My low income high school also was relatively strict and structured. We had the police there to break up any gangs, fights, and deal with any drug dealers. Because there were a lot people of color, the school was ran in a way that criminalized the students instead of getting them help but that's a whole nother topic that I will get into the next part. I, on the other hand, along with many other kids were labeled as the "good kids." The "good kids" typically got good grades, were obedient, and avoided trouble.

However, from my experience, especially from the psych ward, sometimes the "good kids" could be just as troubled as the "bad kids." They simply found different ways to deal with their situations. Sometimes the "good kids" compensated for the abuse at home by getting good grades or by becoming really anxious and obedient while the "bad kids" who dealt with similar situations found different ways to cope with the abuse by acting out. Acting out gives the "bad kids" a clear indication that there is something wrong and that they need help. The "good kids" on the other hand, their problems get over looked because people assume that they are doing just fine because "hey look, they get good grades and aren't on their way to prison, they are bound to make a decent living in some way shape or form." Don't get me wrong, there are some "good kids" that are good because they come from conscious home environments and they get good grades and are obedient because they know better and had those good habits nurtured consistently from a young age. I'm not talking about those kids. I'm talking about the "good kids" that are just as troubled as the "bad kids" who never get any help because people assume that everything is all right because they are in line. 

I suppose given my judgements toward some of the people here is that I have a spiritual ego that I have built up from a young age dating back to when I was labeled as a "good kid." Because of that, I have a shadow where I don't want to acknowledge my unconscious tendencies and my aggression. I observed this shadow as I caught myself judging the unconsciousness and aggression in others. It's ok to acknowledge those feelings. They might be socially deemed as bad, but there is no such thing as evil. The suppression of those feeling are what them to act out in monstrous ways.

That's how I ended up here. I didn't want to acknowledge the struggles I had when it came to my mental health until I had a break down. I didn't want to acknowledge my waning mental health because I based my self worth on my level of consciousness and my mental stability.  To me, acknowledging the fact that I was struggling meant that I was becoming my old self, that I was back tracking, that I was being dragged into a previous dark stage of my life. That is very threatening because I derive a sense of hope and capability based on how I have progressed in my self actualization journey. As a result, I wasn't proactive with my mental health to where it got so bad that it demanded my attention. Part of being truly conscious is accepting, understanding, and being at peace with our own unconsciousness. 

 

Edited November 16, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 3: The Larger Systems at Play 

Like I said in the previous two posts, many of the people who were in this facility were dealing with things such as homelessness and hard drug addictions. I also had to deal with some of the judgements that came up for me as I was hanging around these people with these types of issues. One way I tried to curve the judgements was to see these problems in the context of a much larger system.

While I do believe that therapy is an important step for rehabilitation, it became clear to me through a couple of group therapy sessions that coping mechanisms and positive thinking won't address the core issues and fundamental problems. Granted, this facility isn't designed for that. It's designed to calm people down and have the tools to deal with their problems until they get personalized help for whatever they are dealing with. However, by talking to the people there, it became clear to me that the issues that they were facing weren't something that is inherent to them or their fault. They aren't bad people for suffering because the system and the environment failed them. That's not to say they aren't responsible but it is always important to discern between responsibility and blame. They can look the same but they are quite the opposite. Responsibility empowers and gives one the free will to respond to the situation. Blaming and placing fault disempowers by introducing shame into the equation which then cripples one's ability to respond. 

Things like homelessness, lack of quality educational opportunities, low wages that greatly impact one's quality of life, health care, access to contraceptives, being born on the wrong side of town, all of these greatly impact the state of consciousness in each individual. It's silly to think that every single one of these people will be able to pull themselves up from the bootstraps and just get over it. I also watched the nurses and the people working there scrambling around trying to help others whether it be for providing care such as medication and therapy sessions, or dealing with administrative duties regarding contacting the patient's family, finding housing, notifying schools and work places. This place I feel was also underfunded because there were a handful of people who were pulled in waaaay too many directions to the point where it probably impacted the quality of care they are capable of providing. It goes to show how much money we don't invest in health care much less mental health care. Sure, this place is better than nothing and a lot of people still get the help they need, but it could be soooo much more efficient and so much more effective if they were given the chance.  

I understood all of this in theory but it was a different experience seeing them in practice. It's like the difference between looking at a painting closely to observe what brushstrokes were made to create a certain picture and doing the brushstrokes to recreate the painting yourself. Granted, even being in this environment was a limitation to me and my understanding because ultimately, I'm not living other people's lives, therefore I cannot understand completely. Hell, even if I was living their lives, things like lack of awareness and self deception would still cloud my ability to understand in full depth. There is so much we are unconscious of whether it be for ourselves, others, or the rest of the world. We would all be more effective, more efficient, and more healthy if we were given the chance. That goes for both systems and the individuals within those systems. 

Knowing all of these things can be daunting. Knowing how your issues aren't personal and how they are instead systemic and exemplary of a larger problem that is bigger than all of us can be overwhelming, paralyzing even. For many, it can instill a sense of hopelessness and helplessness which then in turn breeds a lack of action and a plethora of limiting beliefs. I felt a little bit of that upon these realizations. I tried my best to remain mindful and observe those thoughts and emotions. I am a believer of the law of attraction and I think it is a good way to shift your perspective in order to change your reality. But something that I noticed in some law of attraction communities is that it can sometimes dip into victim blaming and not acknowledging privilege. It's easy to not have limiting beliefs when not much is limiting you. It's easy to be high vibrational when your basic needs are being met and if you are in an environment that is conducive to consciousness. Our outer worlds shape our inner worlds and out inner worlds shape our outer worlds. There is no separation. And to make lasting change we need to intercept one of those realms to impact the other. Individually people can work on their own inner worlds but that isn't enough. For collective change you need to change the outer systems so that people can also have inner well being. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 4: I am Here, I am Present 

Despite the shocking circumstance I have been placed in, I have tried to remain as present as possible. I found being present and in the moment a necessity especially given my anxiety, both about being in the psych ward and what I need to do after. Every time I caught my mind wandering into a spiral of what am I going to do about school, I tried to bring myself back to the present moment. There isn't anything that is school related I could do right at that moment. I didn't have access to any of my materials, a computer, internet, or means to contact my professors. There is no use in worrying about it right now. The only thing thinking about this will do is that it will take me away from the now and into a state of anxiety and helplessness. It's counterproductive and irresponsible when it comes to getting better to say the least. 

I also tried to journal about my thoughts and feelings during my time in the ward since it is a lot to process. A lot of the content of those entries have been summarized in the previous posts. While it is a lot to process and a lot of that processing can be dealt with by being present, after being in the psych ward for five days, I still needed time to let out all of my emotions regarding the situation. I feel that there is only so much you can process when your primary objective is to survive. Sometimes you get so caught up in surviving and saving your ass that you don't have enough time or energy to take everything in. And that's fine. After anything like this it's important to keep yourself in check and be gentle with yourself for a while. During that time I decided to meditate as much as possible and to note down any of my insights. I have explained some of them including my own shadow work and my evaluation of the mental health system I was dropped into. There will be more to come in future sections.  

This video does explain pretty well about how the place was like.  While I didn't have the experience of being tied up and given medication against my will, it felt as if I was being punished for having issues rather than getting help. There is a lot of critiques that can be made in how we approach mental health and suicidal tendencies. It is definitely an over kill for a large chunk of the people who have a lot of issues with depression. In this video I believe she does say that after people get released from the psych ward, there is a period of about 3 months where that person is at more risk of suicide and self harm. Given my experience I can see how that can be the case. While I didn't have the urge to do anything reckless upon leaving, I felt really shaken up by the experience to where I decided to take time off of school. There is no way I can makeup 2 tests, 2 3 hour long discussions, and a term paper in a state like this.  Again, it's a lot to process. Going off of the stats of how people feel for about 3 months after the visit, I think it is absolutely insane to be put in a facility for wanting to kill yourself only to want to kill yourself more after the stay!?!?!?! That makes for not only an ineffective system but a counterproductive one. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 5: A Need for Gentleness

Ok..so this post is going to be choppy and all over the place. I have typed this out before but as soon as I was supposed to hit submit reply my whole entry got deleted because my computer was acting up 

I began realizing how critical my need for gentleness really was after my first group session at the psych ward. In that session, we basically went around and shared what our needs were. I CHOSE to go to the psych ward when I was given the option at the hospital to get help. I chose that with the intention that I was going to get help, that I was going to get someone to talk to who was going to understand and empathize with my situation. At the time, I didn't know the nature of the help I was going to receive in the psych ward. I had this huge need for gentleness and instead I got the opposite. I have said this previously in another post but I was looking for a place of healing and instead got thrown into a prison. That's why the situation was so jarring to me. It went against the very thing I needed in the moment. 

When I came back home, the issues I faced in the psych ward wasn't alleviated. My parents always had this tough love approach to parenting. It's the reason why I have been so reluctant to discipline. They were always harsh towards me. I know I have talked a lot about undisciplined discipline in previous posts so I will keep it short. Their discipline was so harsh to where I became turned off from discipline and as a result currently lack discipline in my life because I associate it with pain. And after the psych ward that tough love sentiment continued. I kept getting into fights with my father especially who tends to get really triggered when I express any type of negative emotion. His default go to is to start criticizing and start coming up with a solution and in turn begin preaching/ barking orders on what I need to do. It hasn't made my recovery easy. I have a hard time being gentle with myself because I never got that growing up. 

This isn't the first time that I was aware for my need for gentleness. It has manifested in other times as well. One of the big ways my need for gentleness manifests is my fantasies around having a relationship. When I think of being in a relationship, my mind goes towards a guy softly kissing my cheek and my hands, someone running his fingers through my hair, someone who will bring me flower and be a comforting ear when I am going through something. I want someone who will take things slow with me, who will respect my boundaries, and most of all who will be empathetic. This is embarrassing but I spend so many nights cuddling with a pillow pretending its another person. In other words, I want someone who is going to treat me like I am precious to him, as if I am dainty and soft. I don't want to constantly be told to be strong or to suck it up. I want to be vulnerable and have my vulnerability honored through the gentleness of someone who cares about me. I am not willing to go out and date right now. I'm in a lot of pain and I'm working through some real shit and as a result my judgement may very well be clouded. I have bigger things to worry about than my dating life at the moment, however, my cravings and my desires can give insight to what I truly need, therefore it is worth acknowledging them as data points. 

Another way my need for gentleness appears is my skincare routine. I've always been pretty rough with my skin physically because I have acne. I always thought that was the way to go. I thought that I needed the most powerful masks and the most stripping cleansers. I think in the long run this messed up my skin even more. I have been more interested in skin care as a way to take a break recently and I have as a result started taking a more gentle role with my skin care routine. And with in a matter of 2 weeks, my skin mostly cleared up. I have spent years being literally harsh on my skin so that my problem (aka acne) would go away only for it to go away quickly with a little bit of gentleness. It got me thinking how much easier dealing with my problems would be if I was just gentle with myself instead of resistant to life as a whole. 

I also noticed that the voice of self love is also really harsh. It can be characterized by Mean Girl's Regina George. I did make a post earlier on this journal on page 4 titled "The Hypocrisy of Self-Hatred" where I used my voice of self love to critique my negative thought patterns. There is nothing wrong with that and in fact I think that it can help me but I think it is significant that even my voice of self love is also rather critical. It goes to show how much gentleness I lack within myself. While this strategy can be helpful, ultimately its important to realize that you can't whip yourself into self love and self acceptance. 

But most interestingly my need for gentleness manifests in my voice. I have two voices. One is my regular voice. It's rather deep and I tend to use a lot of slang and occasionally curse. The other voice is softer, more high pitched, and very feminine. I tend to be super polite and formal when I use this voice. I call this my "white girl voice." My "white girl voice" makes me come off as innocent and harmless. I find myself using it when I am around someone I don't know or if I'm in a state of anxiety while I use my regular voice when I'm comfortable around someone. I was in a state of constant anxiety for the five days I was in the psych ward so as a result I was using my "white girl voice." There is one instance that I remember distinctly. Normally, in the psych ward, there are nurses who check up on you every 15 minutes in your room. Then at night, there are people who switch shifts. I remember as I was falling asleep, the nurses were in the middle of switching shifts. Thee day nurse was showing some papers to the night nurse and was showing him my room. He told this nurse "that's soos_mite_ah, she's such a sweet girl." I kept giving off an impression of sweetness to everyone  there and I also managed to get out early from the psych ward. I told the people there something along the lines of how this feels to severe for my case and how I wanted to go home and because of how I said it and how polite I was, I believe they were open to listening to what I really wanted since I came off really harmless. I was actually harmless. I'm not a danger to myself or anyone else. But my voice further feeds into that narrative and that impression. 

This survival strategy started young. My parents always emphasized being polite and putting other people's needs before your own. They also never taught me to stand up for myself when I would get picked on at school. Their philosophy was very *turn the other cheek.* As a result, I grew up to be very demure. In middle school, because I was bullied through elementary school, I was scared of stepping on other people's toes in the fear of pissing someone off to where they would start picking on me again. That when I believe my "white girl voice" was born. And it worked. Most of the students who tended to pick on other kids left me alone. Instead of picking on me, they saw me as adorable.  I wouldn't be surprised if my looks further fed into the harmless and adorable narrative. I was and still am short, a little chubby, with big bright eyes and cheeks that blushed easily when nervous. The general consensus was that "if someone wanted to hurt soos_mite_ah, there is something horribly wrong with you because hurting her is the equivalent of hurting a puppy." They also left me alone because I minded my business and didn't do anything to bother anyone. This strategy also worked throughout high school and people left me alone for similar reasons. There is one exception however. In one of my classes, there was a guy that continuously picked on me and said a lot of sexually explicit things toward me because I was seen as an easy target. However, even then, because I seemed adorable and helpless, there were girls and even guys who stood up for me to get this guy to leave me alone and then later on checked up on me. In other words, this voice helped me to avoid trouble and confrontation to where people treated me more gently than they otherwise would have. 

Finally, I think it's interesting that I refer to this voice as the "white girl voice." Sure on the surface it seems like the stereotypical voice of a white woman but if you think about it, most white women come with a variety of different voices and there are plenty of women of color who have the voice that I am talking about. Race is an independent variable. I characterize this voice as innocent sounding, soft, and feminine and it gives the impression of appearing harmless. I think that's significant because those are the characteristics that are associated with white women  more so than women of color who are often painted as loud, unruly, masculine, and sometimes even threatening. As a result, white women are treated in a more gentle fashion by society as a whole. They can play the victim and play the white guilt card out of a variety situations even in cases of false accusations. Their pain is also taken more seriously by the medical system whereas with women of color, there is still this dangerous misconception of how we feel less pain. It's especially dangerous for black women who are more likely to have complications while giving birth because their pain and concerns during labor aren't taken seriously. And in a way as previously discussed, my "white girl voice"  tries to give me more access to help so that my pain is taken more seriously and I am in turn treated with more gentleness instead of being written off as a threat. 

[Preety_India]

@soos_mite_ah  just a funny non chalant question. 

Whats the meaning of "soos mite ah", is this an anime thing because I'm completely out of touch with anime stuff? 

On a side note - I lost my period for 3 months when my dad died. It was a horribly stressful event for me. And whenever I suffer even little amounts of stress (usually because of an abusive violent childhood) I generally end up missing/losing my period for upto 1-2 months. 

So you might want to look into that aspect of inner stress bothering you that might have an impact on your period. My period is normal when I'm stress free. 

And I hope that your condition improves and becomes much better and you feel better enough to get going in your life and get everything sorted out and put together. 

Sending you this big hug from me, (I've suffered trauma so I know how it feels to be in your shoes and you'll be alright once you are detached from your environment) 

 

 

 

Edited November 24, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@soos_mite_ah all you need is warmth and gentleness and a big dose of joy and healing. 

Always remember that you are deserving of all the love in the world and you should strive to embody what you deserve in your life. You deserve nothing less and I'm happy you are coming to realize it. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

14 hours ago, Preety_India said:

@soos_mite_ah  just a funny non chalant question. 

Whats the meaning of "soos mite ah", is this an anime thing because I'm completely out of touch with anime stuff? 

It's not an anime thing. My name is Susmita but I once had a teacher butcher it horribly and spent 20 minutes of class trying to say my name and failing every time. He kept pronouncing it soos_mite_ah and it was just really funny to deal with it 

14 hours ago, Preety_India said:

On a side note - I lost my period for 3 months when my dad died. It was a horribly stressful event for me. And whenever I suffer even little amounts of stress (usually because of an abusive violent childhood) I generally end up missing/losing my period for upto 1-2 months. 

So you might want to look into that aspect of inner stress bothering you that might have an impact on your period. My period is normal when I'm stress free. 

And I hope that your condition improves and becomes much better and you feel better enough to get going in your life and get everything sorted out and put together. 

I thought it was a stress thing. I got it checked at the gynocologist last week and they found out I had PCOS. Stress definitely makes it sooo much worse but it is a huge factor when it comes to managing PCOS along with diet and exercise since it is a horomonal issue. 

14 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Sending you this big hug from me, (I've suffered trauma so I know how it feels to be in your shoes and you'll be alright once you are detached from your environment) 

14 hours ago, Preety_India said:

@soos_mite_ah all you need is warmth and gentleness and a big dose of joy and healing. 

Always remember that you are deserving of all the love in the world and you should strive to embody what you deserve in your life. You deserve nothing less and I'm happy you are coming to realize it. 

Thank you so much this means a lot to me. I'm sending you a hug right back because I'm a huge hugger irl 

[soos_mite_ah]

Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 6: Moving on Up

Ahhh... Finally, the last part to this series. This post will also be all over the place and it is mainly for my uses and means for tracking my progress. 

During my time meditating in the psych ward, I started noticing parallels in how I'm evolving in the last few years. I have decided to separate them into phases and cycles. I have grouped my journey by the phases and I differentiated the cycles so that one can clearly see the parallels between the first time I went through this phase and the second time. I won't go too much into spiral details because that will make the post too long and might create confusion. I'm trying to focus on structure rather than content for this post. 

Phase 1:

 Cycle 1) Sophomore Year of Highschool (2015-2016): During this time I felt very suicidal. I hated my life. I hated the way  my parents treated me. I hated how low energy I was. But most of all I hated how I suffered for so long. After one miraculously failed attempt, I decided to dedicate all of my effort towards getting better. This led me to basic self-help and youtube videos by therapists. It was stuff like what was depression, how do you deal with it etc. Here I would say I was 80% orange and 20% green.

Cycle 2) Sophomore Year of College Part 1 (2019): While I didn't hate my life during this time around, I recommitted my dedication towards self help. I decided to dedicate all of my effort towards actualizing my potential. I was focusing more on deeper self help and inner work by meditating regularly, contemplating, watching Leo's videos for insights, doing shadow work etc. I felt as if I already cleared the gunk on top and now its time for a deep clean. In this second cycle, I feel like I started getting the blank slate feeling I mentioned in Phase 2 (2017) earlier, so I guess there is some overlap. Here I would say that I was 70% green and 30% yellow. 

Phase 2:

Cycle 1) Junior Year of Highschool (2017): I was in a more stable place in my life thankfully because of the work I put into in Phase 1 (2015-2016). I have externally solved a lot of issues I have been having with my family and consequently I have mentally been much clearer than what I was going through in Part 1 in 2016 during my sophomore year of high school.  As a result of these changes, I started growing a part from my friends as they weren't resonating anymore. I really wanted to hold on to this new found peace. I was getting used to this peace. It felt like I was a blank slate in a good way because I cleared out so much gunk. Little did I know I was into for a journey up the spiral and I was heading for a breakdown. Here I would say I was 70% orange and 30% green and I was dealing with stage blue trauma regarding the authority of my parents, issues with family/ the sacredness of blood relatives, and the more stage blue social issues they brought from India. 

Cycle 2) Sophomore Year of College Part 2 (2020): I was in a much more stable place in my life. I started implementing better habits and I was solving a lot of inner issues by setting boundaries and acknowledging the deeper dynamics of how I interacted with people instead of just looking  at whether a person was blatantly toxic or not. Consequently, I became much clearer about what I as wanting out of my life and the relationships I had with people. As a result, I started growing apart from my friends again. I was enjoying this new found peace. It felt like a rebirth. Little did I know what awaited me as I was going to go up the spiral during the pandemic. Here I would say I was 50% green and 50% yellow and I was dealing with stage orange trauma regarding late stage capitalism, finding my way into a career, and productivity. 

Phase 3:

Cycle 1) Senior Year of Highschool (2017-2018): I was suffering from constant panic attacks and became depressed by going in deeper in the trauma I was sorting through in Phase 2. I was unloading a lot of trauma internally from my parents even though externally I managed much of it. This phase felt as if it was giving me a final exam of all of the self development work I did previously. A lot of issues I dealt with in the past came up and I did deal with them using the tools I gained along the way. A lot of things were breaking down in my life, but my friendships were the more notable of all of them was my friendships. I began isolating in Phase 2 (2017)  and now I have cut them off. I needed to be around new people that embody my new world view.  Here I would say that I was 33% orange and 67% green. 

Cycle 2) Junior Year of College Part 1 (2020): I was suffering from pretty bad anxiety and depression with college which led me into the psych ward. I'm unloading a lot of stage orange trauma more deeply. I have journaled about much of it. This phase in the second cycle also felt like the final exam of my self development work because a lot of issues I dealt with in the past came up since I had to move back home during the pandemic. I have been dealing with them using the tools I gained in therapy from my freshman year of college and onwards along with my self actualization work. A lot of things were breaking down in my life due to the changes from the pandemic but the most notable was my sense of stability and hope for the future. I also cut of a couple friends in this phase that I was growing apart from in Phase 2 (2020). Here I would say that I am 33% green and 67% yellow.

Phase 4:

Cycle 1: Freshman Year of College (2018-2019): The first half of my freshman year was me unloading what was left of my trauma with a therapist. This took effort but I'd say it was more seamless because of the prior work I did before hand in Phase 1-3 (2015-2018). However, during the second half of my freshman year, I was extremely burnt out. Before all I was doing was all of this self development work and it was also on top of all of my school work as well. I needed a break and mentally my brain checked out. It was a time for me to rest and recuperate for the next cycle in my life.  Here I would say that I was 20% orange, 80% green, and some yellow mixed in there as during this time was when I found Spiral Dynamics. 

Cycle 2) Junior Year of College Part 2 (2020-2021): I feel like right now I'm some where in between phase 3 and 4. I have found a new therapist to unload what's left of my stage orange trauma. I have my talking points planned out and I know what I want/ need out of my sessions so this should be seamless. The prior work I did during phase 2-3 (2020) and the journaling I have done even in this journal is truly the groundwork. I wouldn't be surprised if I was burnt out but the way things have played out, I am taking a break from school to recuperate. for hopefully the next cycle of my life. I don't know what that is or what stage of the spiral I'll be in by the end but stay tuned. 

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PREDICTIONS: This is a way to try to speculate what my future is going to be like based on the patterns from the previous phases. 

Phase 4 Cycle 2: I'm going to get the help I need and I'm going to be better than before. I will have extra time to focus on my health and well being physically as well as mentally because I am taking extra down time. My guess is that I would be 20% green, 80% yellow with some turquoise mixed in as I am practicing being present and embodiment more and more. 

Phase 1 Cycle 3: I will be focusing on embodying and recommit to self help. I will start to read more stage turquoise books and continue my growth from there. My guess is that I'm going to be dipping more into turquoise at this time and be mainly a combination of yellow and turquoise. If I had to put a number on it, I would say 80% yellow, 20% turquoise. 

Phase 2 Cycle 3: I'm going to mentally be in a much clearer place in my life as I embody love more. I'll be in a much more stable place emotionally. As a result I might grow apart from friends at this time and rethink my relationships. I might find myself feeling like a blank slate as I have cleared up many of my shadows. I'm also going to start being aware of stage green traumas. I have some ideas as to what they might be about. It's likely going to be about friendships and conscious relationships but it isn't super clear yet since there is some time before I get to this phase. I would say that in terms of the spiral based on prior patterns I might be around 60% yellow and 40% turquoise. 

Phase 3 Cycle 3: I will be dealing with panic attacks and depression again as I delve into stage green traumas more. It will feel like a final exam of my previous work where I will have to use the tools I have gained along the way. A lot of things will be deconstructing. My guess is maybe models that explain the world, especially models that explain my life and development like Spiral Dynamics. There will be a time when I would need to transcend models. I will really begin going into turquoise during this time. 

Phase 4 Cycle 3: I'll probably have to take a break and get a therapist of some sort. Don't know if there will be stage turquoise therapists. Maybe I'll find someone to talk to through this site idk, its too far to tell. I will have to recuperate to the next part of my life. I wouldn't be surprised if I started doing psychedelics during this time.  

Edited November 27, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

****Feedback wanted**** 

I have been writing in this journal for about 4 months now and I was wondering what people are thinking as I have been going through my journey. I want to improve this journal not only to enhance my future development and way of seeing things but also to ensure that people can get insights from my journal and experiences. I have been super open on my journal because I want to help myself and others. 

I would also appreciate some indication of where I might be on the spiral. I feel like I'm a combination of green and yellow and I have been moving more towards yellow throughout my posts but hey self bias is a big thing and I want the point of view of the people who have been reading. 

Also side note, sometimes I'm self conscious over the length and the details that are on my posts. Idk maybe it's because everyone else's journal entries are very short and to the point and I feel self conscious of deviating from that. Sometimes I'm worried that people don't read or get anything out of my entries because they see how long it is and then exit out. 

So for feedback feel free to include any of the following: 

• Shared experiences/ things you relate to 
• Ways I could improve this journal or ways this journal helped you
• Where I might be on the spiral
• Any self deceptions I might have 
• How yall feel about the length of my posts 

Edited November 27, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[Zigzag Idiot]

@soos_mite_ah  You're journaling about going into the psych Ward for a few days triggered memories of a similar time earlier in my life. I've already related about that earlier. I'm impressed when others are willing to  Journal about their weaknesses or things about themselves which are unflattering. I equate that with a degree of authenticity and sincerity. I've made it a point in trying to do that in my Journal. I get fairly self conscious about about some things that I've written. But at the same time, I feel doing this has helped me to work out remaining Superego issues and also the notion of integrating more and better. A reminder that we're multidimensional beings and it's okay. I draw the line though in not sharing issues which are still fairly deep into my shadow. So it's not like I'm completely an open book. People who have a heavy painbody will unconsciously try to trigger others. I've seen this part of myself do the same thing in the past. So in that regard, I can forgive because I have seen that type of behavior in myself. But the fact that this does go on at times.  I don't feel like it's wise to share things which are a fair distance from being owned completely and integrated. For instance, in the past I kept quiet about being a regular Cannabis user. But the change that's taken place in our culture and also the openness of others like Terence McKenna, Graham Hancock, Ram Dass, and Rupert Sheldrake among others. A time came when I thought that I needed to come out of the closet on this issue. The shame is no longer there and the stereotype of the listless pothead is no longer as prevalent as it once was. 

At times, I'm self conscious of my writing style and the inevitable run-on sentences that spill out. But I'm able to make fun of myself sometimes and that helps. Maurice Nicoll impressed me with the virtue of being lighthearted and Gurdjieff too. Even to the degree of being over the top and bombastic. That's just my moon in Leo taking the stage every now and then. 

I used to read all of everyone's Journal every day for the first year or so. It's become more hit and miss anymore with the increase in Journal traffic. Sometimes I'll read every bit of a long post. Other times I may just skim though, depending on my degree of interest related to the topic. Some people don't like to have others asking questions or commenting in their journal and I can completely understand and respect that.

When I first started reading spiritual and metaphysical books years ago and working on myself, I was very tongue tied and unable to express myself with the written word. This is an aspect about me which has blossomed in the last 5 years or so. In person, I'm a lot more quiet than people would think. Primarily, those who only know me through this Journal. I'm actually a fairly quiet person but then again, there's that definite issue of being multidimensional. 

I saw where you wanted others to share a little and I appreciate your openness. I think your assessment of where you're at on the Spiral is about right. 

In regards to self deception, all of us are horribly plagued with it! ? Have you watched Leo's video Mankind is the bullshiting animal or something like that was the title. It's very good.

I've just written off the top of my head and a little more than I intended,,,, ?

[soos_mite_ah]

On 11/27/2020 at 10:49 PM, Zigzag Idiot said:

I get fairly self conscious about about some things that I've written. But at the same time, I feel doing this has helped me to work out remaining Superego issues and also the notion of integrating more and better. A reminder that we're multidimensional beings and it's okay.

I feel that. I was pretty self conscious about sharing my experience in the hospital. I know people are in varying levels of consciousness here but I feel this sort of positive peer pressure to be high consciousness all the time. It's positive, but it's pressure nonetheless. Sometimes I wonder if I should share something because it makes me look unconscious and dysfunctional. I will admit that I have a spiritual ego. But I never looked at sharing my less conscious entries that way. I love how you see this as further integration and resolving issues with the superego.  

On 11/27/2020 at 10:49 PM, Zigzag Idiot said:

I draw the line though in not sharing issues which are still fairly deep into my shadow. So it's not like I'm completely an open book. People who have a heavy painbody will unconsciously try to trigger others. I've seen this part of myself do the same thing in the past. So in that regard, I can forgive because I have seen that type of behavior in myself. But the fact that this does go on at times.  I don't feel like it's wise to share things which are a fair distance from being owned completely and integrated.

I think that this is really smart. It's good to be mindful about triggering people's painbody or hell picking at your own when you still are far from integrating lessons. I think that it's responsible and I'm going to take that into consideration in the future. I tend to journal about things as the insights come to me so that I don't lose them. In a way, writing my insights down is a part of my integration process. That said, I did find myself taking extra time with writing out my psych ward experience. Normally I wouldn't take that long to share the entire thing but I wanted to chill out a bit so I can properly find the words to express what I really want to say. For me, I did that out of self care. But yeah that boundary is also important to consider when thinking of who else might be reading this. 

On 11/27/2020 at 10:49 PM, Zigzag Idiot said:

At times, I'm self conscious of my writing style and the inevitable run-on sentences that spill out. But I'm able to make fun of myself sometimes and that helps. Maurice Nicoll impressed me with the virtue of being lighthearted and Gurdjieff too. Even to the degree of being over the top and bombastic. That's just my moon in Leo taking the stage every now and then. 

Oooof I feel that. Sometimes I think that I'm really rambly on my entries but I want to be thorough and dissect every part of myself as much as I can. I feel that it's my Scorpio mercury that causes me to do this along with my Pisces moon which tends to be sensitive and in tuned with even subtle feelings .

On 11/27/2020 at 10:49 PM, Zigzag Idiot said:

When I first started reading spiritual and metaphysical books years ago and working on myself, I was very tongue tied and unable to express myself with the written word. This is an aspect about me which has blossomed in the last 5 years or so. In person, I'm a lot more quiet than people would think. Primarily, those who only know me through this Journal. I'm actually a fairly quiet person but then again, there's that definite issue of being multidimensional. 

 Yeah I feel that. There are things that I have learned by reading spiritual books that I'm either not ready to articulate or I have yet to grow into the message in order to communicate it. I'm sure in time as I work on myself that will solve itself. I'm also rather quiet irl even though I tend to express myself a lot in my journal. I reveal so much more here than in my regular life because I feel that this space is more appropriate given the content that I do tend to talk about. I don't have many people in my life who are spiritual and into self development so that's why I tend to dump things here. On top of that, I always communicated better through writing. My mouth doesn't have a back space or an eraser so it is less put together and less eloquent 

On 11/27/2020 at 10:49 PM, Zigzag Idiot said:

 I saw where you wanted others to share a little and I appreciate your openness. I think your assessment of where you're at on the Spiral is about right. 

Thank you so much I appreciate you sharing. Yeah, with the spiral, I know assessing yourself can get a little messy so I really appreciate your input. 

On 11/27/2020 at 10:49 PM, Zigzag Idiot said:

In regards to self deception, all of us are horribly plagued with it! ? Have you watched Leo's video Mankind is the bullshiting animal or something like that was the title. It's very good.

I've just written off the top of my head and a little more than I intended,,,, ?

That is actually one of my favorite videos. I also really like his three part series on self deception. I revisit that series every now and then to reflect on myself. 

And don't worry about feeling like you wrote a little more than intended. I'm really thankful every bit of input and feedback. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I'm currently craving a fairy tale, a blissful romance that will sweep me off my feet and away from my misery 

But I know better and I know this is an illusion

If I want to get out I need to go through 

It feels like hell which it is but being grounded in this truth is what will bring me to heaven

Hell doesn't exist for you to escape it

The more you resist, the more it will persist 

 Hell exists to redefine what heaven truly is

A change of perspective, an acceptance of what is 

To love an "evil" to death to where it isn't defined as "evil" anymore

That is a greater romance, greater than what any illusion can give me

Because it will lead to my triumph rather than my demise

But even in demise will I find peace

Even in demise will I find peace

Edited December 1, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Oh No.....

On 11/26/2020 at 11:57 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 6: Moving on Up

PREDICTIONS: This is a way to try to speculate what my future is going to be like based on the patterns from the previous phases. 

Phase 2 Cycle 3: I'm going to mentally be in a much clearer place in my life as I embody love more. I'll be in a much more stable place emotionally. As a result I might grow apart from friends at this time and rethink my relationships. I might find myself feeling like a blank slate as I have cleared up many of my shadows. I'm also going to start being aware of stage green traumas. I have some ideas as to what they might be about. It's likely going to be about friendships and conscious relationships but it isn't super clear yet since there is some time before I get to this phase. 

I just realized what my stage green traumas are. I won't be addressing it at this time but its good that I know what my blind spots are. Let's not get too ahead of ourselves. But I will be jotting it down for future reference to keep it in the back of my mind. I can see this potentially come up when I decide to commit to my first long term relationship. 

• Sexuality / my sexual orientation
• Motivations for self help and my desire for a romantic relationship 
• The possibility of wanting kids in the future 

And as a letter to my future self, when she will be dealing with this sooner or later, I want her to know that even though is useful, doesn't mean it's true and vice versa. Sometimes it's important to have some type of illusion to get through your current circumstance and that is ok. It sets the foundation of safety so you can access the truth at a later, more stable time if you do it correctly. 

Edited December 2, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[Zigzag Idiot]

On 11/30/2020 at 8:19 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

If I want to get out I need to go through 

It feels like hell which it is but being grounded in this truth is what will bring me to heaven

Hell doesn't exist for you to escape it

The more you resist, the more it will persist 

 Hell exists to redefine what heaven truly is

A change of perspective, an acceptance of what is 

Hell is only terrible first few days,,,

 

[soos_mite_ah]

1 hour ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

Hell is only terrible first few days,,,

I wish lol.... I'm getting an ego backlash and I have been feeling like this for a while. But I see myself getting back up some way some how. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Gentleness and Discipline 

@Preety_India Hey I decided to tag you into this post. I remember you said something on how the need for gentleness in one of my entries really spoke to you and I remember you also started writing about discipline and gentleness for yourself as well. I thought since I'm journaling about the same topic again, I'd give you a heads up 

I know for this year I made a resolution to be more disciplined. That didn't work but I found out what does and doesn't work for me. I found out that the main reason that I don't have discipline is because I didn't have much gentleness growing up. I talk about this in many instances in this journal. Especially with recent events in my life, my need for gentleness has been magnified. Upon realizing this I didn't know where to start, because again, I wasn't exposed to it before. I started questioning what gentleness is. 

One of the main ways my need for gentleness comes through is through my romantic fantasies. I want a guy who is going to be soft and gentle towards me. 

On 11/23/2020 at 11:06 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 5: A Need for Gentleness

One of the big ways my need for gentleness manifests is my fantasies around having a relationship. When I think of being in a relationship, my mind goes towards a guy softly kissing my cheek and my hands, someone running his fingers through my hair, someone who will bring me flower and be a comforting ear when I am going through something. I want someone who will take things slow with me, who will respect my boundaries, and most of all who will be empathetic. This is embarrassing but I spend so many nights cuddling with a pillow pretending its another person. In other words, I want someone who is going to treat me like I am precious to him, as if I am dainty and soft. I don't want to constantly be told to be strong or to suck it up. I want to be vulnerable and have my vulnerability honored through the gentleness of someone who cares about me. I am not willing to go out and date right now. I'm in a lot of pain and I'm working through some real shit and as a result my judgement may very well be clouded. I have bigger things to worry about than my dating life at the moment, however, my cravings and my desires can give insight to what I truly need, therefore it is worth acknowledging them as data points. 

(Towards the end of this clip from The Godfather, the way that Michael kisses his wife Apollonia just speaks to me. In the rest of the trilogy, this man is a monster inside of a dumpster fire of chaos and honestly triggers/ irritates me so ignore the context for now. It's just this one scene where he is so gentle that melts me. Not to mention, young Al Pacino in the 70s is so attractive to me at least omfg)

I included the quote from my previous post and this clip because fantasies, myths, and parables often articulate what we want and need both on an individual level such as in my case but also in the cases of religions on the collective level. I decided to analyze my need for gentleness in a similar lens that I would say analyze a myth in my English class or a story in my Religious studies classes. I started analyzing this fantasy I have more so focusing on on what makes them so gentle in order to understand the gentleness I need for myself.  This is what I came up with:

• Gentleness is patience 
• Gentleness is slow 
• Gentleness is attentive 
• Gentleness is forgiving
• Gentleness is mercy 
• Gentleness is calm 
• Gentleness is soft 
• Gentleness is loving
• Gentleness is empathetic
• Gentleness is acceptance 
• Gentleness is not rushed 
• Gentleness is not chaotic 
• Gentleness is not having unreasonable expectations and doing 20 things at once 
• Gentleness is not harsh 

Upon making this list, I also could see the overlap between gentleness and discipline Here is what I noticed: 

Gentleness is slow. Gentleness is not rushed, Gentleness is not chaotic. 

• Discipline is also slow and not rushed. To be disciplined is to be in it for the long haul. It isn't doing all of your assignments in the last minute and having spikes where you work really hard and moments when you don't work at all. It is consistent, not chaotic. 

Gentleness is patience.

• Discipline also involves patience. Because you aren't doing everything all at once, you aren't going to get instant results. It's going to be gradual and slow but it will pay off more in the long run. 

Gentleness is not having unreasonable expectation. Gentleness is empathetic. Gentleness is forgiving. 

• Discipline involves all of these things as well in order to be effective. You need to have reasonable expectations to maintain motivation and not give up due to a sense of futility. You need empathy to gage where you're at with any disciplined practice. And finally you need forgiveness because if you are starting out disciplining yourself in any aspect of life, you aren't going to be good at it initially. It will take time and that is ok. 

Edited December 4, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[Preety_India]

@soos_mite_ah thank you for tagging me. I'll be reading your journals from time to time because they help me a lot with my personal reflection and development. 

Cheers. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Life Update: General Health

After the psych ward incident, I had to go to the gynecologist because I haven't had my period in months and I knew I wasn't pregnant. I went there and I had a sonogram done and turns out I have PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome. It's an issue that effects people with ovaries and it is characterized by cysts that form there. Because of this, a person's horomones are likely to be out of wack. This can cause a plethora of symptoms. For me those were acne, growing hair under my jawline, missed periods, horrible sleep patterns, depression, and anxiety. In addition to all of this, I once experienced adrenal fatigue, or burnout, last year as well. 

After receiving this diagnosis, things just made sense in my life. I previously attributed these issues with other things in my life. I attributed the acne to stress, growing up, and bad skincare habits. I attributed the hair to me being a stereotypically hairy brown woman. I attributed the missed periods to just how things were in my body. I attributed the sleep pattern to a lack of discipline. And finally, I attributed the depression and anxiety to trauma. While those things may be contributing factors, I found a sense of relief to know they are connected to this one issue. It gives me a sense of control in a way. 

To deal with this, I was given two options. The first was to change up my diet and eat more healthy and the second was to get on birth control. My doctor didn't get to specific on what eating healthier even meant so I went to the internet and found a plethora of different diets for PCOS. It made my head spin. They all ranged in differing amounts of severity and restriction. I was hesitant to try anything extreme because I know that I have a history of eating disorders from growing up around my mom and restrictive dieting could trigger that. I eventually settled into going gluten and dairy free and so far that has going well for me. Some of my acne has cleared up and I physically feel better so that's something. It seems more sustainable than any of the other diets that were out there so I'm willing to try it for a longer period of time. As far as the birth control goes, getting the prescription for it has been a nightmare. I have to do to so many different doctors because apparently my platelet count in my blood is off meaning I might be anemic and because my liver is also a little off. So that has been a whole thing lately.  Also I have read things online that birth control can make PCOS worse so I'm hesitant to use it unless its a last resort. I'm going to try diet and life style changes first to see what happens. 

And then after the psych ward, I went to a therapist and I started going on Zoloft. I believe that is helping me emotionally but I'm a little concerned about the side effects of the antidepressant. I have had to deal with blurry vision, nausea, and currently a loss of appetite and constipation. I've been told from my pharmacist that it is likely just my body adjusting to the meds and that I will be fine. If not I can always call them and get the dosage adjusted or get on something different. But the side effects aren't so bad that they are affecting my functioning so that's good. 

My main concern is the emotional blunting that comes with the Zoloft. In a way it's nice. The medication stopped a lot of my negative thinking patterns and calmed me down. It's like I get a break from my own mind and processing negative emotions. But on the other hand, it has cut me off from feeling the depth of those negative emotions. I noticed that I'm unable to cry. I noticed that I can't experiences sadness in the same depth as I used to. I'm afraid that this will come between me and my mindfulness/ awareness of my emotions. It's always to feel what's going on emotionally. Repression isn't the answer after all. But I'm afraid that this is what might happen with this medication. I guess only time will tell. It's only been a week and a half since I started so lets see how this goes.

On top of all of this I signed a medical withdrawal with my university. I won't be returning to school until Fall 2021 so I have time to get my life in order. That has been difficult to come to terms with because I will essentially be set back from my studies for an entire year. It feels super embarrassing and there is a lot of shame that is wrapped up in it that includes things such as feeling left behind, late, immature, weak, dumb etc. I put waaay too much of my self esteem in actualizing at a young age. I'm still working through all of this that but the Zoloft has been incredibly helpful in this regards. I'm still keeping in mind that my health comes first before anything and that I'm not simply wasting time for my future. Everything will be okay in time. 

Edited December 5, 2020 by soos_mite_ah