Releasing trauma when I am unable to pinpoint specifics, who and what to blame fully?

[lmfao]

I talked to some old high school friends of mine today. I remember feeling uneasy during the conversation, that these people hadn't changed and were still entertaining the same dynamics. In the back of my mind, I've known for a long time that a lot of my trauma accumulated from high school. But I've denied it, got very triggered when reminded of it, but then ultimately try to forget about it. But I think I should stop doing that. 

Anyway after that conversation with my friends, I was feeling anxious for no reason, and the feeling just mutated slowly over time after the convo finished. I ended up feeling a bit manic, racing thoughts. I was in such denial and had such low awareness of myself that I didn't even realise this conversation and the triggers to my past were why I was feeling this. 

So I then decided to do some kriya yoga. After some mahamudra at the end, a lot of negative emotions from the past came flooding up and I suddenly became aware of why I was feeling this way. So now I've decided I have to heal this trauma for sure this time, no more just forgetting about it. I will revisit Leo's forgiveness video, but I've still other things to consider. 

The problem I have is that I don't know where to begin. Everything is tangled.

Leo's video is about considering individuals and sometimes particular events. I can think of a few events sure. But the problem is that the trauma I have is from the collective. So how to address that I don't know, and am seeking help about that. 

The entire environment I was in in high school. I went to a prestigious, rich white kids school (not white myself and there were traces of racism). The atmosphere was authoritarian and soul crushing. 

Part of the problem is that I almost just hate everyone there. So how do I narrow down targets and go about this... Since I can think of a few events, I will use those but my entire experience there felt like the event. The issue with that though is that the more I think about it the more everything I remember can be considered an event to address.

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My natural temperament has always been philosophical and deep since I've been young. I switch between the capacity of being logical and impressionistic/jungian, thinking in artistic images and metaphors. I've always gone through my life feeling like everyone around me just doesn't see what I see. They can't see the bigger picture, can't see the meta structure of things, can't appreciate what's important even if you fully lay it out for them let alone deduce it for themselves. 

And then the authoritarianism, the group think, the feeling isolated and rejected from the tribe for being different. 

Edited July 20, 2020 by lmfao