my ego is screaming and fighting back.

[Jay Ray]

 

while meditation, sometimes If I try and put space during this time by thinking "oh this is not me, this is just the ego, I am not ignoring or denying that the ego exits, but I am not going to identifying with it." this causes my ego to freak out. This happens a lot when I am in a really bad mood. 

Sometimes literally, in my minds ear I will hear it scream.

"no, don't leave me, please don't"  

"Im scared, please don't do this."

"you need me, why are you doing this to me?" 

"I hate you, I hate every part of you." (this one is very common) 

"please stop it." (this repeats sometimes 50 times in a row) 

I then feel the left side of my body starts to freak out. Sometimes out of nowhere my arm will hit my leg. I will have this uncontrollable rage that almost feels like it is out of my control. This rage hates the "ugliness" of the ego's rage Thus creating a cycle of more rage. it hate's that it feels hatred towards itself and hates that it acts out. My ego wants to be seen as a person and not a being made up of words and ideas. It feels like a living being and trying to make an attempt to disconnect with it causes this weird situation.

this doesn't happen everyday but it is still an experience that I want to understand more. 

What should I do? Is it a good idea, to view the ego in this state as just a lifeless object made up of sentences and associations or is it useful to treat it like a human. being.

thank you!

[Call Me Whatever]

I prefer to think of the ego as a mental parasite. 

[Jay Ray]

4 minutes ago, Call Me Whatever said:

I prefer to think of the ego as a mental parasite. 

It is weird to think that "I" am that parasite or so I have thought for 99% of my life. trippy stuff. 

Edited July 20, 2020 by Jay Ray

[Aaron p]

I have great doubt that your aren't in control of these "episodes",

have you been using powerful psychedelics?.. DMT...? If not then don't talk about your ego freaking out hhahaha

[Jay Ray]

@Aaron p No I haven't used any substances before. I feel in control if I stop focusing on the ego during meditation and everything goes back to normal. what I was really wondering is how to interpret this experience. Is there any value to think of the ego as anything other than just a "thing" and not me. 

thank you   

[AllisOne]

Don’t try to get rid of it.... you have to find out its true reality.... locate what you call an ego....  figure out what’s it’s made of....

[Artsu]

The ego is your identity. Ego-death means looking at the real Self rather than a constructed identity.

It doesn't sound like you identify with this voice. It may be a spirit.

[Jay Ray]

@Artsu I feel like this voice is trying to identify it's self as "me" with ever fiber of it's being, it wants "back in" and to be me and not thinking it is me makes it mad.  I am not sure if it is a spirit but I am not  sure how to even tell if that is the case or not.  If feels like peace is created along side frustration when I try and dis-identify with it though. 

[Artsu]

15 minutes ago, Jay Ray said:

@Artsu I feel like this voice is trying to identify it's self as "me" with ever fiber of it's being, it wants "back in" and to be me and not thinking it is me makes it mad.  I am not sure if it is a spirit but I am not  sure how to even tell if that is the case or not.  If feels like peace is created along side frustration when I try and dis-identify with it though. 

Well, my point of view, is it's either you, or it's a spirit, and it doesn't sound like you.

 

edit: 

Own your own body/mind. If someone is trying to force their way in and make home in you, and you don't like it, tell them to leave.

Tell them to tell you the truth rather than pretending to be you.

Edited July 20, 2020 by Artsu

[Jay Ray]

@Artsu if it is a spirit then what should I do about it then?  any advice on how to proceed? 

thanks!

[ajasatya]

@Jay Ray Who says "my" in "my ego"?

[Artsu]

7 minutes ago, Jay Ray said:

@Artsu if it is a spirit then what should I do about it then?  any advice on how to proceed? 

thanks!

Try to reason with it. If it won't listen to reason, just try to ignore it.

Maybe find good spirits to help you fight it. ?

[Artsu]

For contrast, I'll give an example of what a fighting ego looks like.

Say you're someone who views themselves as "cool". But maybe you think meditation isn't something cool people do. But you think you should be meditating, so it's like... do you do it, or don't you?

The ego holds on to this conception of "no, that's not what I do. I don't meditate, it's not cool. My friends won't think it's cool either". 

You can definitely feel that it's you who is resisting it. It's just that you're resisting it with a part of yourself that needs to be overcome. It doesn't matter how cool you are or look, it's just that the ego is attached to that idea.

But it sounds like you're not resisting, but rather an external force is applying resistance and confusing you.

You probably think it's your ego, because you hear about how the ego is something to be overcome (it is, basically), and you hear this voice in your head that I guess you feel you need to overcome. But if the voice isn't you, it's not your ego.

There are many cases of possession or partial-possession. You can fight it yourself through intention and willpower. I have had plenty of demons (which just means a spirit which is bad, and a spirit is just a person who has died and now lives in the spirit realm), and I have had to gradually fight them off. I had one (or more) attack me just a few weeks ago, and it felt rather horrid. I overcome though.

Primarily I talk to good spirits. There are plenty around, and you can use intention to try and contact one of these. Seriously, just say in your mind "Are there any good spirits who want to talk to me?", and listen for responses. If you believe in what you're doing, it really is that easy, but if you don't believe it yourself, it will be hard to overcome.

I'll hopefully keep replying to this thread.

[Shmurda]

@Artsu Let's not make this situation more complicated than it needs to be. Perhaps your experience of Ego feels like you're trying to reason with yourself but it could be different for other people. 

Telling@Jay Ray that he's more likely possessed could send him in totally the wrong direction. I think it's still Ego and I wouldn't go telling someone they're possessed unless I was a spiritual medium who could sense that kind of thing... 

[NorthNow]

"My" ego. NO! You are thinking about this wrong. There is no "My" you must simply let go. It really is that simple. It's like letting yourself sink in a body of water. Stop thinking. 

Like quick sand or a Chinese finger trap. Thoughts are tricks. Thoughts are ego. Let go, be. 

[Artsu]

1 hour ago, Shmurda said:

@Artsu Let's not make this situation more complicated than it needs to be. Perhaps your experience of Ego feels like you're trying to reason with yourself but it could be different for other people. 

Telling@Jay Ray that he's more likely possessed could send him in totally the wrong direction. I think it's still Ego and I wouldn't go telling someone they're possessed unless I was a spiritual medium who could sense that kind of thing... 

I am a medium. (Not professionally, but essentially)

Possession might be too loaded a term, thats why i created the term partial posession on the fly. It just means the spirit is influencing him, not necessarily controlling him.

I didnt sense it per se, but just went off what i was reading. Sensing directly through the internet would be possible but troublesome.

[Member]

The ego screams only if you have multiple personalities lol joke ? You're just imagining the ego being a devil screaming, don't be so harsh to yourself.

[Artsu]

Also, I'm aware that what I've been saying could be taken the wrong way, which is a reason why i want to keep an eye on this thread.

@Jay Ray if you'd like you can PM me about this and we can explain further.

[Aaron p]

Be real, you don't have to pretend with this stuff...

The power comes when you realise that this shit isint pretend. Focus on what is legit/real

[Jay Ray]

Thank you all for the advice you gave.  I will attempt to see if it is a spirit but I still feel like this thing is "me". It feels like the same old sense of self that I have had for my whole life but now it is under intense observation and that is why it is screaming ""I" am dying or being ripped out/abandoned. " it feels familiar just a side of it that I haven't seen much of before. for 98% of my life I have been VERY egotistical and constantly worried about "me" and my own self-preservation. I lived in constant worry and trying to control the situation in order to make sure "I felt good and I was ok". this led to nothing but misery. this feels like the same kind of self-persevering feeling. the manipulative and strong-willed power that has ruled my life for so long.