Everything I Thought About Myself Was Crap.

[Sartanion]

Hello, I've been doing self-actualization for 2 years, or at least I thought so. I thought that I am moving forward, but I was stuck the whole time, sometimes I maybe jumped a little.

Some backstory:

I experienced few moments when that "me" vanished in past, I've been listening to actualized.org for few months now, yet I wasand still amstruggling with self-consious, confidence, relationship problems. I really want to be in the middle of attention and I am really selfish and last but not least - egocentric. I didnt really know why, since I was thinking about myself as if I were confident, independent being, that Is not bothered by opinions of others. That was completely wrong.

 

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I discovered that I am nor confident, nor independent of others. Reason why I am attention seeker is that my self-esteem is really low. I pretend like I am confident just to trick others to think I am confident, in order not to be bullied and It allows me to act like I had lot of self-confidence. I also discovered this is also why I can't apologize in most cases and why I want to punch someone just because he insulted me.

Actually, does it even makes any sence? I don't really know. I am grateful to you if you read this, although it's little bit long. If you don't mind, continue reading.

I know that lot of you, guys, can tell me that It's not me I am talking about, because there is no "me" and way how to fix this is realize that. I'm not really that far in self-actualization and although I get it logically, I dont really understand yet. Also, I feel like this issue is that what really is blocking my improvement and ladders are out of stock in shop.

Don't you haveany tips, how to overcome this? I'm trying to mindfully notice everything that is going on inside when I'm not alone. But when I think about it, the best thing I can do now is raise my self-esteem and give myself little bit love, maybe?

What do you thing about this everything?

Thanks for reading
Sartanion

 

[Dragallur]

Hi,

the first think I would do on your place is to watch the basics about meditation and start to meditate 20 minutes EVERY DAY from now on for the rest of the life (after some intervals I would increase the length to about 1 hour). You will be really grateful to your past-self if you are going to be able to hold this habit. Try to make a routine that is something basic. You do not need to think about no-self yet, just try to order these basic things you mentioned in your life. Be patient as Leo says, because real self-actualization takes lot of work. Try to use time as best as possible and I wish you all best on your journey

Dragallur

[Saarah]

@Sartanion recommended reading: six pillars of self-esteem by nathaniel Branden 

I'll spoil the six pillars for you  

• the practice of living consciously 
• " self acceptance 
• "  self responsibility
• " self assertiveness 
• " living purposefully 
• " personal integrity

he also talks about the illusion of self esteem which is what you've noticed by yourself, nice work! 

[ttm]

38 minutes ago, Sartanion said:

I really want to be in the middle of attention and I am really selfish and last but not least - egocentric. I didnt really know why, since I was thinking about myself as if I were confident, independent being, that Is not bothered by opinions of others. That was completely wrong.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I discovered that I am nor confident, nor independent of others. Reason why I am attention seeker is that my self-esteem is really low. I pretend like I am confident just to trick others to think I am confident, in order not to be bullied and It allows me to act like I had lot of self-confidence. I also discovered this is also why I can't apologize in most cases and why I want to punch someone just because he insulted me.

Actually, does it even make any sense? 

Yes, that is exactly where (almost?) every spiritual path begins: realizing and honestly admitting that you don't do stuff for the reasons you always had lied to yourself. It's still good to recognize how easily mind starts that "ok, well now I see, know and understand" and to always approach thoughts as "ok, I recognized that I was lying to myself and when I believed it, it felt absolutely real. So, how am I lying to myself now? All that I understood feel absolutely real now, and I can expect from experience that it's a sign of deceit."

It's also easy to start judging one self, especially if (when) that now recognized behavior keep repeating. "Oh shit, I did it again!? WTF?! Shit, what a fucking asshole I am, I knew I shouldn't do that, yet still I did." etc. That is dangerous, and (at least in my personal experience...) the only way to "get rid of it" is to accept and allow everything to be as it comes.

1 hour ago, Sartanion said:

I know that lot of you, guys, can tell me that It's not me I am talking about, because there is no "me" and way how to fix this is realize that. I'm not really that far in self-actualization and although I get it logically, I dont really understand yet. Also, I feel like this issue is that what really is blocking my improvement and ladders are out of stock in shop.

Don't you haveany tips, how to overcome this? I'm trying to mindfully notice everything that is going on inside when I'm not alone. But when I think about it, the best thing I can do now is raise my self-esteem and give myself little bit love, maybe?

I think you shouldn't too much try to think it through like that. I mean, so long as you have a goal, a personal purpose (to realize something and fix your situation somehow), it's what keep your "me" alive. I would recommend to keep mindfully noticing everything and stop too much thinking that you "have to achieve" something. Meditate and contemplate questions like "what am I really", it will all become clearer and clearer as time unwraps itself. Also, it's beneficial to read about the subject, as much as possible. And remember that love is something that can't run out, there's no finite amount it to be shared, so no need to skimp!

[Sartanion]

Thank you!
It's about 5 days since I started my meditation habit.

My final goal is pure happiness, and wow. It's gonna be long ride. As you are saying, first basic stuff before I'll move forward.
I don't want to end confused again. Although I've been watching actualized for months, watching was only thing I did. It's time to change that, let's move to action.

[ttm]

4 hours ago, Sartanion said:

My final goal is pure happiness, and wow. It's gonna be long ride. As you are saying, first basic stuff before I'll move forward.
I don't want to end confused again. Although I've been watching actualized for months, watching was only thing I did. It's time to change that, let's move to action.

Just throwing: maybe the confusion really is the exact place you want to be in if you want to "get rid of yourself"? Don't you remember, "me" in you is a liar, it thinks anything to get to stay alive and in control. See, the "me" part of you is really horrified about the confusion, it can't handle it, because it can't exist in it. It needs something solid to cling to. Oh well, don't believe me either, I might even bigger liar, find it out yourself by honestly investigating your own experience. Best wishes to your journey!

Edited July 31, 2016 by ttm