What's wrong with me

[Amit]

So many people know me on this forum, but I am never able to connect with mostly all of them, leaving leo and nahm. 

I see people just don't trust me anymore, I feel like there is something going on with me which I am unaware about. 

If you had a chance to interact with me or gone through my comments or posts and has a opinion about me, please dump in here. I would like to have critical opinions more, so that I improve and don't feel like a sociopath anymore. Thanks 

[Amit]

When interacting with others I like to be authentic, frank and honest what I think. And feel like most of us are faking around, they get hurt easily if I try to help them, I see through people and be logical in my interactions, only thing is I go to the root of their argument and destroy it to the core, it's something which I am addicted about, it also makes me feel superior, gives me the dopamine I keep craving. 

I am a single person, don't I deserve this much, why people come into victim mode and are so judgemental, don't you think being on this forum you have to have at least good listening skills after so many times leo told how important perception is. Can't you wait to see the full picture, before coming to instant judgements. Don't you see your fears yet, what's the issue with you guys, it's fine you were broke and had past traumas but just see we are not debating here, we are having a dialogue, a discussion to come to the absolute and comprehensive perspective of a situation. Why do you start to feel victim. Why do you shy away from important conversation, why are you so conservative about your own ego, while having a liberal ideology. 

Well let me tell you, you're dogmatic to the core of it, and that's why you just take whatever leo says, never deriving it for yourself, you're dumb and stupid. You may call yourself progressive or what not but to the core, you're conservative, fearful, victim. Disgusting... Well you're. 

[Preety_India]

I think it's more of a cultural issue here. You're Indian and so Indian culture had a huge role in shaping your psyche. 

 

. I know how Indian culture works. I have had plenty of experiences where an Indian male would approach me whether dating or friendship, and then when I reject them, they simply cannot take it. Then they will call me rude or try to get aggressive with me. This has happened many times, I have gotten used to it by now. 

The thing is there is a sense of entitlement in not wanting to accept a rejection healthily. 

If a man tried to cross boundaries then the woman feels creeped out by that sort of aggression 

I had many conversations with you directly on the forum. What I felt was that you are super needy. I tried to give you as much attention and support as I could offer you. I was very gentle and supportive with you. The problem is that it's not enough for you. You want more and more. Maybe you can work on that issue. 

One problem I noticed with my indian male friends is that they don't have a thing called privacy. They don't understand this concept. Like they would get so personal that it would make me withdraw from the friendship. Sometimes people don't want to disclose their private lives or details of their private lives and its completely okay. Asking them persistently can make them nervous and they will lose trust.

Building trust is something you will need to work on. 

You do have the ability to create intelligent viewpoints so that's not the part where you are lacking. 

Also don't try to control the narrative during a conversation. Like for example if you say to a girl "don't dress like that" this can be a fair thought in your mind, but before you say it to her, think how she will take it. For her it will be like you are controlling her and she might get pissed off. 

The other point is which I always observed in my Indian ex boyfriend is that he would get super argumentative with me. That would leave no room for any friendliness or mutual liking. When I had conversations with you, I felt like you were contradicting my every statement, kinda reminded me of my ex 's conversation style.. 

Sometimes debating someone is a good way of getting to know certain perspectives. But too much argument can stress out the other person. Try to agree with them sometimes. 

Sometimes I simply agree with people just to make them feel good. Because I don't want them to feel overburdened. 

You're not a bad person. But you will need to change certain communication patterns as well as thinking patterns.. 

There is a bit of stage Blue kind of thinking patterns reflected in your views. Sometimes stage Blue can come across as Dogmatic and authoritarian, not wanting to give due importance to others perspectives. 

There is really nothing like winning or losing while sharing perspectives, nothing like you're right or that person is wrong, both can be right at the same time. Try to not make it into a contest or competition of perspectives, it can come across as very combative and competitive. 

Also a lot of times especially when you are having conversations with strangers, it's a bit of a trick. Try to gauge their personality and what they like and don't like and switch your conversations accordingly. For example even if you are talking to someone on the forum, they are still technically strangers and so avoid being too close or personal. For example if I had to talk to a guy on here, and after a few conversations if I asked something like "are you going out with your gf tonight? “ that can easily make him feel weird. You could maintain some distance on a personal level and keep engaging the person with general questions like" hey what do you think about this video on economics? " stuff like that, this is not only creates a source of personal comfort for the other person and also helps you have a conversation with the person. It's a safer bet to avoid falling on the wrong side of that person's perceptions of you. Just a few pointers on formal and personal communication. 

I have noticed that you are a bit emotional. Which is good. You could express your emotions in your journal. But there is a bit of a issue in this department. You can only trust your romantic partner to share the same emotional plane with you. People online are most likely going to say things like "hope you feel better" etc etc, they can't be on the same emotional plane as you. I did observe in my interactions with you, you wanted me to be on the same emotional plane. But you can't expect something like that from random people. They can only support as much as they can. The kind of support you are looking for can come from a person who is either living with you or who has been your friend for 10 years. Otherwise this sort of desire is a sign of emotional neediness. You will have to control this around people and express it to only your closest friends because only they can give you that support. 

 

I hope my conclusions helped.. 

Edited July 19, 2020 by Preety_India

[Arthur]

Just glancing over some of your posts, you seem like an intelligent and eloquent guy. You have some deep insights in your journal.

I also sense a bit of Spyral Dynamics Blue tendencies in you, which is totally normal giving your culture and upbringing. If you can, I would make attempts to distance myself from the culture and family and maybe consider moving to a different country, Take a looks at your spiritual beliefs, if you sense morals involved,  rationalizing, or denying some desire or part of yourself, those are the ones you have to stay away from. Anytime your mind spins a story that makes you feel bad, divided, dirty, unworthy or worthy, judgemental etc. - that's coming from a blue moralistic mind. 

Also don't focus too much on others, not about what they think or don't think. To assimilate Orange, one needs to start focusing solely on their own improvement, to the point of narcissism and mania. Being more "selfish" and self-centred is actually a great thing for Blue! it moves you up the spiral and out of constantly living in the shadow of somebody watching over your head. Ironically, a selfish Orange guy who lives for himself does a lot less evil than a Blue spiritual man pretending to be righteous.

Edited July 19, 2020 by Arthur

[Amit]

@Preety_India yea, it helped for sure.. I was into some deep shit for years, I am coming out of it and trying to start talking to people but found myself on an entirely different plane, in which I don't have much of boundaries and it seems to be the huge problem. Thanks for putting your points, well taken. 

@Arthur thanks man, damn, you are on the point here, will work on it. ?

[Moon]

There's nothing wrong with you, everyone is just in different stages of development

I agree about you having stage blue values which isn't an issue as long as you're being open minded, but for example the last post I remember from you was on the "perfect woman" thread about wanting a virgin woman and her skin colour being important

Ofc it's no surprise if you grew up in a society where colorism is a big issue (in India and other South Asian countries), there's nothing wrong with preferences but also question where these beliefs come from  

Not sure about people not trusting you? Is this actually happening? lol 

[Moon]

3 hours ago, Amit said:

When interacting with others I like to be authentic, frank and honest what I think. And feel like most of us are faking around, they get hurt easily if I try to help them, I see through people and be logical in my interactions, only thing is I go to the root of their argument and destroy it to the core, it's something which I am addicted about, it also makes me feel superior, gives me the dopamine I keep craving. 

Being truthful isn't the same as being empathetic though, if you wanna be loved- love others haha

Yeah debating and winning arguments isn't going to fulfill you long-term, maybe you want to feel "superior" because underneath you have some wounds you need to heal so turn to instant-gratification ego feeding , dunno

[Amit]

@Moon thanks for your comments and perspective, so much appreciated

57 minutes ago, Moon said:

, but for example the last post I remember from you was on the "perfect woman" thread about wanting a virgin woman and her skin colour being important

That's me trying to overshadow Leo's outrageousness, and I don't like such criterion but I have had some bad experience with woman so trying to have some good criteria for sure, hotness is one but other things are me being funny. 

 

1 hour ago, Moon said:

Not sure about people not trusting you? Is this actually happening? lol 

Yea, my public posts might seem like ok, but not so conscious girls freak out when I ask them to evaporate their ego. But I was anyway working with them, but whenever I go a bit hardcore, they just lose trust, now I'm trying to balance it though. I've lost sense of boundaries when I was trying for enlightenment, and it makes people afraid of me... 

53 minutes ago, Moon said:

Being truthful isn't the same as being empathetic though, if you wanna be loved- love others haha

when you're most truthful, you're the most empathetic, you're not hiding nor lying, putting it as it is.. Maybe it's too radical but it's true that there is a connection. 

55 minutes ago, Moon said:

maybe you want to feel "superior" because underneath you have some wounds you need to heal so turn to instant-gratification ego feedin

Yea, that comes from desire of dominating to attract better females and you know ... Instant gratification is involved quite correctly, thanks well taken.. ?

[TrustTheProcess]

 

10 minutes ago, Amit said:

Yea, my public posts might seem like ok, but not so conscious girls freak out when I ask them to evaporate their ego. But I was anyway working with them, but whenever I go a bit hardcore, they just lose trust, now I'm trying to balance it though. I've lost sense of boundaries when I was trying for enlightenment, and it makes people afraid of me... 

 you can't just go on talking about egos around a bunch of normie women especially in stage blue. maybe it would work more in like stage green california, but even then, you can't ask someone to dissolve their ego lol. just be aware that consciousness work and enlightenment is negatively mainstream atm. 

13 minutes ago, Amit said:

 

when you're most truthful, you're the most empathetic, you're not hiding nor lying, putting it as it is.. Maybe it's too radical but it's true that there is a connection. 

hmm, in some cases, but in certain cases, blabbering truth is not empathetic. especially with women. to be empathetic with women, you gotta just be present with them, show love, make them feel like they are being heard. 

15 minutes ago, Amit said:

Yea, that comes from desire of dominating to attract better females and you know ... Instant gratification is involved quite correctly, thanks well taken.. ?

You can be masculine without seeing yourself as superior to women though... that said, there may be some cultural reasons why you feel that way that I don't understand very well. 

 

 

I think this video would resonate with you my man.. good luck and all love from me<3

[Amit]

@louhad thank you brother, I'm naturally good with logic, so I try to use it to impress people, but that comes from my judgements and seeking validation, but to be frank it seems difficult atm, I feel addicted to social validation, that's why I go back to it, Sometimes I am angry and like to beat people with my words, it comes from my childhood of not being accepted and respected. I want to heal as soon as possible and move on. 

The video helped, thanks for it ?

[Someone here]

 

[Nahm]

@Amit

With respect to your request and appreciation for ‘telling it like it is’...

On 7/19/2020 at 4:17 PM, Amit said:

myself on an entirely different plane, in which I don't have much of boundaries and it seems to be the huge problem.

I get what you mean, yet, that there are planes is a belief, and is sneakily employed as a boundary. There is ‘one substance’ so to speak, you’re creating ‘planes and huge problems’ of it, but you don’t have to. 

On 7/19/2020 at 7:47 PM, Amit said:

but other things are me being funny

Spend ten minutes giving your absolute best to pretending to be straight faced. Absolutely no funny-ness whatsoever. Zero. None. Seriously. You’ll notice how funny it is. 

On 7/20/2020 at 5:46 AM, Amit said:

I feel addicted to social validation, that's why I go back to it, Sometimes I am angry and like to beat people with my words, it comes from my childhood of not being accepted and respected. I want to heal as soon as possible and move on. 

....again, you’re asking for the straight skinny...”it” isn’t a thing at all, “it” is you. So a past isn’t a ‘problem’...repetition of the belief perpetuates the identification as a ‘person’, which is only a belief in and of itself. Were it not for that re-creating, misunderstanding & emotion would naturally release...the repeating of the belief suppresses...the natural response of the love that you truly are is “ahhh, no”...but is being labeled as “anger”, and identified with. Same for the seeking of validation, respect, and acceptance. These are things that serve only to perpetuate the false notion you are a person. (That’s pretty deep, specific, existential and direct, my apologies if it is offensive in any way.) 

TLDR: There’s no ‘you’ ‘somethings wrong with’.  That’s what’s ‘going on’. Can’t resolve what already is resolution. 

 

[Amit]

@Nahm A heartful thanks for such an empathetic analysis, It's truly the case, judgement, distortion of perception, neediness and emotional roller coaster... That's how it goes when I'm trying to relate with someone. 

I don't care about male friends, but with females there is this intense desire burning every time and the cycle repeats... I see the root of it in my past but why it's still hanging, because of the already made up patterns, and forgiveness of self love. I'm afraid of being called mad if I stop being the person, though I realise on conceptual level I'm not, just pretending to be, still unable to let go because of fear. 

 

[Nahm]

@Amit

The fear is pretend too.

[Amit]

@Nahm in the moment, it feels real, painful... Patterns I naturally flow into, seems like requiring large amount of consciousness to transcend it. 

It's limited identity, not only me, people around me, everyone each of them is afraid of me being limitless.

Edited August 5, 2020 by Amit

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, Amit said:

it

As literally & specifically as you can muster from inspection....what is “it”? (Seeking clarification as not to assume.)

1 hour ago, Amit said:

It's limited identity, not only me, people around me, everyone each of them is afraid of me being limitless.

How do know that? 

 

Hat’s off to you btw, for ‘doing the work’, taking a look.

[allislove]

Quote

What's wrong with me

Nothing.

[Amit]

15 hours ago, Nahm said:

As literally & specifically as you can muster from inspection....what is “it”? (Seeking clarification as not to assume.)

How do know that? 

It: The fear, of losing, of dying

Hat’s off to you btw, for ‘doing the work’, taking a look.

thanks, it's quite a journey, the best part is to have you as a guiding light

 

15 hours ago, allislove said:

Nothing.

@allislove so good to hear , Wonder if this is existential nothing

14 hours ago, datamonster said:

@Amit  There are a lot of kids on this forum. Don't take it personally.

If you feel like you're making a good point and you're not being received very well by someone, look at their profile and what else they commented.

Who is this person? Does he/she actually contribute anything of value?

If not, why even bother?

@datamonster having this insatiable curiosity of knowing what's going where it is not visible.  I try not to judge but you're right in that I was looking for validation, projecting heavily... it's good only, that's how I know about others, their unresponsiveness says a lot.

Edited August 6, 2020 by Amit

[Preety_India]

@Amit  I hope that you know that I have nothing against you absolutely. I wish you well. 

And I'm glad that you realize that validation is bullshit. It doesn't matter who validates you or not. The only thing that matters is that you validate yourself. 

Only you matter in the end. 

Have a great day! 

 

[Amit]

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

 I hope that you know that I have nothing against you absolutely.

Yea, I know, no complaints about you, you alright?