My vippassana 10 retreat experience at 20 years old.

[Noel]

For some one interested in attending the 10 day vipassana course, this might help you or give you that boost to sign up. Thank you.

I’ve been interested in self-development for about three years now and watching Leo’s video’s since 2018. I’ve been digging into the deep topics he disgust and contemplating on them. However, I never seriously practiced this work, apart from a short daily meditation session. Thus this 10 day retreat seemed like the perfect opportunity. Going into this I was very committed to give it my all

Day 1-3:

Very frustrating first days. Realizing how easily I am distracted and not being able to remain focussed for longer than a minute( I have ADD), but that improved along the days.

Day 4-5:

The start of vipassana. Was getting used to the technique but quickly started seeing results, like more sensible and more focus. Also I had some small insight.

Day 6:

Here it started to get intense, but in a good way. I became very sensible and started changing my relation with pain, seeing it more objectively. Also I realized that thoughts created a emotion that is sensible as a sensation and that the degree of pleasantness of this emotion would determine the state I was in, and therefor the actions I would take. I started to realized how true the technique was.

Day 7:

The intensity increased more. I felt like I was deeper than ever. I did not resist the pain in my back and legs. I was equanimous with the moment, felt better than ever. I could see that all my dreams and ambitions were suddenly so accessible, but being present was as pleasant than thinking about these desires. The insight kept flowing in. A lot of what I’ve seen in Leo’s video’s and understood on a intellectual level I now could realize for myself, in my own experience. With this knowledge I wanted to go help everybody I knew. I was filled with love and compassion. This was for a short period though and I came down to a normal level during the last sit. I went to bed with a very neutral feel. As I closed my eyes, an extremely intense fear came up that covered my whole body. I tried to sleep but it seemed like there was a horror movie playing in my head that I could not pause. I went for a late night walk and kept walking in circles until it went away. But it didn’t. I had an insight that for my whole life I’ve been craving love and to me it felt like I did not get that. Therefor I did not have that love in me to give to others, which formed my self-centred personality. I cried for about an hour and went to bed.

Day 8:

The hardest day of my life. As requested by the teacher I was aware of a sensations at al times during the day, being present and equanimous. The insights were profound, and I FELT like I knew everything about life. Again I thought about the things I could be doing when I finished the course. I became attached to this state.  But then a thought came “what if I don’t have this when I come out” This put me out this state, but still on a high and peaceful state. But I was greedy and craved for that state of possibilities again, totally forgetting about the principles of the technique. This craving dragged my down. Things that I normally did, didn’t seem possible anymore, I remembered my insight but they did not make sense to me anymore. It was so weird. Such a paradox. At the 6 pm it went even more downhill, forgetting the technique and getting totally caught up in pessimistic thinking. After the session my whole body was shaking with fear, and the discourse only made it worse. Saying things like craving the equanimous state is dangerous and that it will multiply your misery. At this point I was considering suicide, but Goenka said that committing suicide does not end you misery… I believed I was trapped in this hell moving around in circles that I dug myself in a hole I could never come out of. Fear that I’ve lost my personality, and everything I worked for. As soon as the discourse was over I ran to the teacher to ask him what I was going through, but he did not allow questions until the last meditation session. I was alone, who would ever want to care about such a miserable person. Besides a train of depressing thoughts, I knew I could not run away from this. So I put all my energy to try to be objective. At the end of the session I came out somewhat relieved. The teacher asked me what happened but, I only thanked him for caring and walked away. But he insisted to know what happened. So I told him, in a more positive attitude now. He said it was dangerous and was very concerned, and told me to stop practicing vipassana tomorrow. I went and took a shower and being back on this insane high, thinking “why would I ever worry about myself” Filled with some much love and compassion it was hard to contain.

Now looking back at it, it seems laughable that I was so naive, but I was so fragile, and totally lost control over the will of my mind.

Day 9:

Started the day with anapana meditation, but the intensity was still there. The teacher requested for my to take the day of and gave me task to help in the kitchen. Distraction and talking with the staff was really refreshing and made the intensity of feelings come down. The kindness of the staff, made me feel very grateful and fortunate to go through this experience.

Day 10:

Very nice to share experiences with the other people and come down from this intensity.

One of the assistant teachers told me something that stuck with me he said “Everyone who comes to this course gets something out of it that they needed, even if that was not their intention of entering the course”

I came for selfish reasons just to improve myself, but in the process I discovered that my existence was so ego-centred when I convinced myself it was not. I came out with a sense of love and compassion. Rather than wanting to receive, I was now ready to start giving love without expected in return.

[Mu_]

Thanks for sharing, thats a pretty profound retreat.  Wise of the teacher to have you take a break, sometimes people get in the mind set  that thoughts, feeling and mental states don't matter and they need to push push push through everything because its not Absolute truth, when in fact our experience is not separate.

[ItsNick]

Cool!

Fellow self-actualizing Dutchy I see

[WonderSeeker]

Thank you for sharing! Ego backlash is harsh - glad that you pushed through it though. 

[Noel]

@Mu_ Definitely! I was very fortunate to have such a caring teacher.