Strange Behaviour From Therapist

[Seed]

Hello all!  

I have recently statrted seeing a new therapist. He is a male Jungian analyst. This is my first time with a Jungian and also with a male. Although I wouldnt have expected the gender  makes much of a difference, but, who knows!?

We have had 5 sessions so far and by the 4th session I became very frustrated and upset because he spends long periods of the session in silence. If I talk, he often holds his hand up to pause me. Which I feel ruins our flow. When he pauses his eyes go up to his head and he holds his face. These pauses go on for a good few minutes. And I just sit there until he comes back to me. I often ask him questions and he doesnt answer straight away, he does that instead. 

I thought this may be because I am new and he just needed a few sessions to get used to me. But as I said, by the 4th session, when I came out. I realised how upset and frustrated I was! I felt like I wasnt listened to or acknowledged. 

I then brought it up with him the very next session which was on Friday and he said (after a 3 minute pause) that the reason he does this is because he is 'checking in' with himself, to see what is arising. What thoughts and feelings are present. A bit like when we meditate. He says he does this to make sure he is remaining impartial. Whlst this does make sense, it seems like it takes a lot of time for him to do this, I would of thought, as a skilled therapist (over 30 years experience) he could do both. Remain present with me, looking at me, be emotionally available at the same time as remaining impartial. But maybe I am expecting too much?

He also said that he does this because he has noticed I am very, very senstive. So he wants to ensure he chooses the right words to say to me. Again - makes sense. But also creates a lot of discomfort, disturbs the flow and puts my mind into overdrive whilst I try to fill in the blanks. By him focussing on himself and what to say next, It makes me focus on him too. And my own thoughts. 

He also says that he pauses as an example, to show me what I should be doing. To pause, reflect and check in with myself, during the session. He is indicating I should do the same. I will happily do this - but does this need to happen for so long and after almost every question or sharing of intimate detais. It takes me a while to get going as I can be quite reserved. So it's hard to then just sit there whilst he goes into himself. I can go into myself outside the session, why do it there when I am paying so much money? 

However, I don't want to just stop going because of a different approach when it might be just what I need. t's just the lack of eye contact and pausing for sooooo long really unsettles me. Anyone else experienced this? 

Thank you! 

[DIDego]

Hi.

It needs a lot of courage to open up in a session and i have experience that sometimes they can get numb and they seem to be full of all rambling after 45 minutes and neither i or them know what was told 

And in sessions it also can be hard  for the therapist to decode another humans words and understand what they actually are saying.

 

Trust the taxidriver and try let go of control, so he can drive you both saftely without haste, that waste the flow in traffic and you get stuck in a traffic jam.

'checking in' with himself, to see what is arising. What thoughts and feelings are present.

Im listen in this moment on a podcast about battle between heart and mind.

Maybe are something that helps you or you get a path that lead to your answer.

 

 

[Leo Gura]

@Seed Find a new therapist you are happy with.

There needs to be a fit between patient and therapist. Don't assume the fit will always be there.

[Toby]

There are a lot of therapists - I would say the overwhelming majority - who are nuts. Don't take it personal. It has nothing to do with you. Look for another therapist if you don't resonate with that one or his approach.

[Seed]

21 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Seed Find a new therapist you are happy with.

There needs to be a fit between patient and therapist. Don't assume the fit will always be there.

You don’t think that all this is to do with my own projections onto him in an attempt to self preserve ? (This is what he said)

it’s just I’ve been through a couple of therapists in the past 18 months I am very conscious not to waste money (and time) going from one to the next. I desperately just want to settle with someone I can trust so I can get on with the work.

It may be that I don’t like his style because of my own discomfort and need for presence. So maybe that’s something I need to work on ? I am very aware that all problems come from within. So wouldn’t changing the therapist just be avoidance ? 

And if I am really honest, I had two therapists before that I felt comfortable with but we never actually made any progress.. ?

It’s  so hard to know what to do. I’ve been involved in abusive relationship over the past year which has destroyed my self esteem and intuition. I am not usually so unsure and doubtful. The reason I’m in therapy is so I can learn to trust myself again at the minimum..

Edited July 19, 2020 by Seed

[Seed]

@Toby are you I’m not the one who’s nuts and projecting onto him? ? 

@DIDego thanks for this!! 

[DreamScape]

It may be projections, but emotional trauma should be respected and treated with care. 

Problems come from within but its not a good idea to throw yourself into a volcano.

" I felt like I wasnt listened to or acknowledged. "

"be emotionally available at the same time as remaining impartial. But maybe I am expecting too much?"

This seems like a response to neglect. Watch teal swans video:

Also p.s. if youre on a spiritual path matt kahn is great too ☺

And yes if this is correct his approach won't help you

 

Edited July 19, 2020 by DreamScape

[Seed]

@DreamScape thank you. So even if I am projecting - you still wouldn’t recommend I go with him?

It’s so hard to know whether I should just work through it with him or not. Now that’s we’ve started. Or make a clean break.. ? 

[Toby]

I would specifically go to a therapist who is doing somatic experiencing, narm or the likes. There the chances of getting help and not being abused with gaslighting concepts like "you are projecting" is better I would say.

[DreamScape]

@Seed its just about what you feel like you need. It seems like you need more love, not less. 

Don't think about it, feel into your emotions and body. 

 

[Seed]

7 minutes ago, Toby said:

I would specifically go to a therapist who is doing somatic experiencing, narm or the likes. There the chances of getting help and not being abused with gaslighting concepts like "you are projecting" is better I would say.

Ironically, he does energy work. Specifically to release trauma in the body. He does EFT and muscle testing. Usually he spends 30 mins talking and the 2nd half doing working with the body. 
 

However. The last three sessions, he didn’t do any of this. When I asked why he hadn’t done it with me in for the last few  session he said because it’s a very direct approach and he is apprehensive to do it as when he checked me energy system last time, it was all mixed up. So he wants to wait for me to balance out first.

It’s very confusing. But I am a confused person generally atm. I feel I’ve lost my compass ? 

He said that the image that comes to his mind when He thinks of me, is of a moth that keeps thrashing  about trying to find the light  and then burning itself on the flame ? so he has to be very careful with me.

 

 

[Seed]

13 minutes ago, DreamScape said:

@Seed its just about what you feel like you need. It seems like you need more love, not less. 

Don't think about it, feel into your emotions and body. 

 

You don’t think I could be overreacting? I am aware of my neediness but isn’t that a hole that can never be filled anyway ? Is it Not dangerous to chase it. E.g moth analogy that he gave in post above. 
 

I am suffering a lot of paranoia atm so I also Another reason why I think its all me projecting.  
 

Thank you for the help 

[DIDego]

Do you belief in energy work? 

[Seed]

@DIDego yes 

[Toby]

11 minutes ago, Seed said:

He does EFT and muscle testing

EFT and kinesiology is not that effective with trauma in my experience. Doesn't do anything or retraumatize quite often. (I learned EFT in 2005 and used it very often for some years. Kinesiology I used a lot especially from 2006-2007. So I know the limits of it. It's not that good and effective for trauma.)

Edited July 19, 2020 by Toby

[allislove]

@Seed 

My gut feeling tells me you have to feel better after each session. It should feel amazing, you should enjoy the session. Otherwise, find another tool.

[Seed]

8 minutes ago, allislove said:

@Seed 

My gut feeling tells me you have to feel better after each session. It should feel amazing, you should enjoy the session. Otherwise, find another tool.

Even though we’re going into the belly of the beast ?

i thought you were meant to feel worse cause of having to dredge up years of suppressed emotions. And the only way out is through?

I hope i am wrong !! As I find it so difficult. Therapy always makes me feel worse after for two days.

The therapists say that is cause we’re working through my protective mechanisms and it stirs up suppressed emotions and memories. But that they need to be felt to be released ? 

[DIDego]

2 minutes ago, Seed said:

Even though we’re going into the belly of the beast ?

i thought you were meant to feel worse cause of having to dredge up years of suppressed emotions. And the only way out is through?

I hope i am wrong !! As I find it so difficult. Therapy always makes me feel worse after for two days.

The therapists say that is cause we’re working through my protective mechanisms and it stirs up suppressed emotions and memories. But that they need to be felt to be released ? 

 

 

If it is about dissociation as protection from abuse, then it can need a certain work to get permission from the protector and find the root cause(s) .

[Seed]

18 minutes ago, Toby said:

EFT and kinesiology is not that effective with trauma in my experience. Doesn't do anything or retraumatize quite often. (I learned EFT in 2005 and used it very often for some years. Kinesiology I used a lot especially from 2006-2007. So I know the limits of it. It's not that good and effective for trauma.)

Interesting. What is good for then ? I use an EFT app on my phone and it helps a lot of me in the present moment but obviously can’t reach those deeply repressed memories and emotions.

My trauma is very, very suppressed and deep rooted. I’ve tried all sorts of things and the closest I’ve got to releasing it is shaking and tremoring in  transformational breathwork session. But not actually releasing anything. After that the sessions no longer worked as body build up a new defence. 
 

I thought Jungian approach might be good as it’s about exploring the unconscious 

You don’t rate kinesiology then ? 
 

when he’s done energy work with me in the past. I always felt so drained and depleted afterwards. And even after just talk therapy with him, he drains me.

 

[Michael569]

2 hours ago, Seed said:

I thought this may be because I am new and he just needed a few sessions to get used to me. But as I said, by the 4th session, when I came out. I realised how upset and frustrated I was! I felt like I wasnt listened to or acknowledged. 

He DOES NOT need to get used to you, he needs to go along with whatever style you as a paying client (the boss) choose. A hallmark of a good therapist is that he can adjust to client's needs and can go along with whichever way the client desires to go. This is not easy at all but to me it seems like he may think this is about "him" and not you. A lot of therapists make this mistake by making the therapy about themselves. You can also see this on their websites and Instagram profile. The Therapist IS NOT the hero of the story. It is the client and if he doesn't see it, you should stop paying him in my opinion.