How would you deal with a woman not investing enough emotionally in a relationship?

bazera · July 18, 2020

Hey guys,

What do you think, when you are in a relationship as a man, how much emotional support would you expect from a woman? When your girlfriend tells you that she won't be there for you and she won't be able to think about you when she is uncomfortable, and always wants to be comfortable with you, is that a red flag or not?

And also, what do you think a guy should expect from a healthy relationship? If you ask me, both women and men should be interested in well being of each other, and investing their time and resources and emotions towards trying to do that. And if one or the other refuses to do that, it becomes problematic if you ask me.

And in general, what do you think is the essence of a healthy relationship? What should a guy do and what should a woman do to accomplish that?

Amit · July 18, 2020

@bazera always have multiple sources of emotional support. when the relationship is still in development, the weight of expectations from your side is completely unjustified. If there are not lies, manipulation, neediness from either side, it's a healthy relationship.

Roy · July 18, 2020

3 minutes ago, bazera said:

What do you think, when you are in a relationship as a man, how much emotional support would you expect from a woman?

The same amount she expects from you.

4 minutes ago, bazera said:

When your girlfriend tells you that she won't be there for you and she won't be able to think about you when she is uncomfortable, and always wants to be comfortable with you, is that a red flag or not?

Huge red flag. It's basically neon lighting on her forehead that's saying, "I'm using you as a crutch, but you're not aloud to lean on me."

5 minutes ago, bazera said:

And also, what do you think a guy should expect from a healthy relationship?

Everything the women expects. They want equality, well that means exactly what the word means.

7 minutes ago, bazera said:

And in general, what do you think is the essence of a healthy relationship?

If you truly love each other, then being there for each other through the hard times and good times. Anything less than that is probably a good indicator someone is just bullshitting and is trying to selfishly extract something.

That's why my girlfriend and I are so damn successful relationship wise. We get it and built that foundation loud and clear early. If we don't show up for each other when it matters then what's the fucking point of being in a relationship?

Preety_India · July 18, 2020

Can you explain me what you mean by uncomfortable?

If this is about your girlfriend and she says that, can you be a bit clear what she means exactly when says that. What's making her uncomfortable

To the rest of the question

I will answer in point form

1. You should expect a lot of emotional support from a woman. I'm extremely supportive of my boyfriend. This is essential for the man to be happy.

2. As a guy you should expect her to be kind and gentle with you. She should not be very demanding. That can be a problem.

3..she should care about your needs both mental and physical otherwise it's neglect.

4. She should be emotionally interested in you and not merely use you as a convenience

5. She should invest a reasonable amount of time with you. In the beginning of my relationship, I spent 4 hours with my boyfriend everyday. Can be a bit excessive. But her investing time with you, means she cares and loves you

6. She should give you priority. Not do anything on her own without letting you know. If she values you, she must ask you and your activities need to be mutual

7. Guys don't want domination in a relationship, and if she is too dominating, then it can be a red flag. This point is important.

8. She should be a loving caring partner. If you feel she is emotionally unavailable especially when you are very nice to her and appreciative of her, then she is not being nice to you. That's bad. If you're nice to her and fulfill her. she should be very grateful in the relationship.

One thing I always tell my boyfriend is that I'm very grateful for having him in my life. This way I show my gratitude and passion for him. He becomes very happy whenever I say that.

It also shows that I really want him. Does your girlfriend do that? Do she put the effort to show you that she is happy with you?

So these are the things in short, of course there are many more things that I can't think of right off the bat right now, because I'm hurriedly writing this reply, but these are in short what I would recommend you look for in a healthy relationship..

Also one last thing... A nagging woman in a relationship is always a very bad choice. They can be very arrogant bitchy, by all means avoid that, no matter how beautiful they are, they become a headache very soon

Also choose the more humble ones

Edited July 18, 2020 by Preety_India

bazera · July 18, 2020

@Preety_India Actually, it's not the case with me, my friend has some issues regarding his relationship, so I asked for advice after thinking about his case.

Yeah, what you describe would probably be the perfect girlfriend lol

So, you think that women should also take responsibility for building a healthy relationship.

After all, if both of them don't take that responsibility, what is the point of being in a relationship anyway...

Preety_India · July 18, 2020

Just now, bazera said:

So, you think that women should also take responsibility for building a healthy relationship.

If she is caring she will be more than willing to take such a responsibility.

Otherwise she simply wants a man like a toy to manipulate. That's not fair for her to do.

Roy · July 18, 2020

8 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

6. She should give you priority. Not do anything on her own without letting you know.

How absolute are we talking here? This seems like it could be a trust thing that they're worried you're insecure or think you're malicious or something.

Like my girlfriend tells me pretty much everything she's going to be doing, or lets me know.

But I don't expect her to tell me every single time she's going out or doing whatever. She's an adult and can take care of herself, I trust her that she'll be fine and shoot me a text later or what not.

bazera · July 18, 2020

@Roy What I think she meant is that as usual, she should let you know what she is up to. Not 100% of course. It will become problematic that way. It should probably be organic and natural.

Preety_India · July 18, 2020

Just now, Roy said:

How absolute are we talking here? This seems like it could be a trust thing that they're worried you're insecure or think you're malicious or something.

Like my girlfriend tells me pretty much everything she's going to be doing, or lets me know.

But I don't expect her to tell me every single time she's going out or doing whatever. She's an adult and can take care of herself, I trust her that she'll be fine and shoot me a text later or what not.

Well I think you're a great guy in your relationship. That's a great sign that you're not insecure or immature in any way when you don't expect her to report to you her every moment in life. It would be very controlling of a man to demand an exact schedule of a woman, this happened with my second ex and I got fed up with his control of me.

I think your woman is fine in my opinion by all the collective descriptions of her that you have given previously here and there.

But if she is excessive in telling you little things then is she scared of losing you? Is she paranoid about you?

You will need to take her overall behavior into context. If she is doing it in a very uncomfortable manner like constantly reminding you of her presence, then she is probably doubting you or feeling insecure about things. Or thinking too much about what you think of her. It can be toxic..

Try to test her. Do you ever say something triggering to her simply as a shit test? Does she go furious and feel absolutely awful immediately creating and imagining catastrophic scenarios of you leaving her. Maybe testing her just a little bit can help you understand her mindset.

Or try telling her some day that you are hurt that she didn't inform you about something. If she is needy and insecure, she will go in an overdrive to secure your validation, she will increase her frequency of telling you, that means she is worried that you're insecure. If she is not thinking of you as insecure, she will do the opposite and tell you that she is absolutely fine and you are simply making a big deal out of nothing. Your shit test will be clear.

Preety_India · July 18, 2020

*using you as a third person reference.

One important point that I wanted to make about the situation of a healthy relationship is this.

That there should be room for growth in a relationship. I gave the layout of a healthy relationship with a woman. Often times you don't come across the best woman in life. It doesn't matter. Don't be too absolute or judgmental or else you will never be happy with almost any woman.

The most important thing is that she is willing to be with you, that she wants you genuinely. In that case she would be ready to change herself and outgrow her flaws. Her flaws should be forgiven. This applies to both gender. Let her grow. If today she is not a perfect woman for you, maybe tomorrow she will be. At least she is willing to give a shot and wants you for real reasons. So you being accommodating of her flaws also reflects your emotional maturity as well.

You can't be constantly carrying a microscope or magnifying glass around in a relationship. You are making the other person walk on eggshells. That's emotional immaturity and shows that you can never be really content. Such behavior comes back to bite you.

If you (not the OP here) went looking for the most perfect woman and perfect every day, it means you have a chip on your shoulder, you are very punitive or too neurotically skeptical, or you assume you're too perfect for everyone. That is never the case. Nobody is really perfect. It would be arrogant for you to assume that you could never do wrong in your relationship. You are not perfect either. If you want the woman to forgive you for your flaws or shortcomings, be ready to give room for her flaws as well.

And if she truly loves you, her flaws are Infinitely smaller in comparison to her love. Don't blow up her flaws. You could be losing a woman, who probably looks flawed to you right now, but has the potential to be a great partner for the future.

If both the boyfriend and the girlfriend are "perfect perfect", then where is the area for growth?

An unhealthy relationship is not always each other's flaws. An unhealthy relationship is often just the inability to have any growth at all because either you or her in the relationship is allowing this growth..

For example with my second ex, I gave him multiple chances to stop his needy controlling behavior. Every time I had a discussion with him, it was pointless because he just wouldn't agree to anything at all. His pure arrogance and stubbornness meant that he just wasn't ready to change. He also wouldn't give me any time to explain anything and get very impulsive. Despite his behavior, I tried to make the relationship work by all possible means. Yet he wouldn't have the patience to try any strategy with me. He would be completely uncooperative. He would be nice for 3 days and then back to his nagging behavior. I wasn't in the habit of texting him all the time because I was busy with my job demands, yet he would grow very impatient even if I was just a little late in getting back to him.

Certain days were impossible with him especially if I had an urgent and important work. I would calmly explain it to him, but he would start getting neurotic if I forgot to check my phone at work. He wouldn't even allow a couple of days to go by to let me sort things so that I could bring everything to peace and stability and simply keep non stop complaining about little things.

In the end I was left stressed out by his incessant neediness and since he never allowed any growth to happen, I realized the fruitlessness of explaining him everything. He would disagree just to disagree. This means no compromise, no accommodation for the other person's concerns and therefore zero opportunity for growth.

The relationship reached a dead end where I could see no way out for a mutual resolution and I finally put my foot down and I told him I'm leaving him after this long empty struggle.

Two weeks after I broke up with him, he called me to tell me that he is ready to change as a man and become better. His expressed his regret at his behavior.

Well, it was too late for me and I wished him well on his way

Maybe the relationship would have worked if he was accommodating and not so stuck up, bitchy, not allowing any room to understand and cooperate, but it was too late for him to realize that.

I always look for growth in a relationship, so even if my partner has flaws, I want to see the scope for growth.

Because even if there are problems in the relationship, it's not a dead end, things can always work out if both show understanding, it can be a beautiful relationship in the future even if it's not the best now. if one partner is willing to sit and discuss, the other person shouldn't get up from their seat and go, that's called not allowing any growth. Such a relationship should be immediately abandoned.