Did I have experience of no "i"?

[meow_meow]

So I've been on this journey of self help for about a year now and been meditating almost daily for ~6 months now (30 mins).
~5 months ago I started doing +- serious enlightenment work by doing self-enquiry every other day, sometimes daily (40mins).

No psychedelics.

Recently I managed to get trough the phase of asking questions "Who am I?" "What is I?" What are thoughts, what is that voice in my head, what is language?" etc. 
And managed to get to the phase of just "looking" or focusing on direct experience without active thoughts (Atleast for periods up to ~1min x maybe 3-5 times during my session)

And at some moment I somehow got the thought, the feeling of "I" and locked it in my awareness.

So what happened is, I managed to realise that this "I" is just a container of previous experience, thoughts->emotions, story, beliefs etc, which is completely fictive, can be changed and rebuilt.

So what happened is, as soon as I got the "I" under my awareness, my brain came up with a visualization of me sitting where I was sitting but just as a piece of meat, with a psyche bot absolutely no identity, just as an object no different than any other physical object. 

This experice sent me to levels of fear I have experienced maybe just a few times in my life, it was in words unaxplaineble panic, fear, anxiety x10.
For the first time, I opened my eyes and stopped my session. I was sitting there for ~1min experiencing some sort of depersonalization, like "I" was no longer this "I" but no different that a fucking chair or a table or any object around me.

I felt like I'm about to cry, like I was being abused, lol.

I stopped doing any enlightenment work for a few weeks after that, and for the past week I restarted this process of self-enquiry. 
And what happened? The same! No matter what, during my session I get to the point of no identity -> no "I" just a physicall object with a psyche. I get to experience this for short periods of time and after ending my session it still lasts for a few minutes.

The problem is that there is some sort of "feeling" a "need" to attach this "I" to something else.

So my question is - what the hell ? What exactly is going on? Is this supposed to happen?

[Carl-Richard]

You died.

[meow_meow]

Just now, Carl-Richard said:

You died.

Haha. It certainly feels like it tho .. 

[Carl-Richard]

Just now, meow_meow said:

Haha. It certainly feels like it tho .. 

I had this happen to me while in a lecture back in spring. Stopped meditating since then but I still keep dying from time to time. I don't like it very much, atleast in this point of my life.

[VeganAwake]

3 hours ago, meow_meow said:

So I've been on this journey of self help for about a year now and been meditating almost daily for ~6 months now (30 mins).
~5 months ago I started doing +- serious enlightenment work by doing self-enquiry every other day, sometimes daily (40mins).

No psychedelics.

Recently I managed to get trough the phase of asking questions "Who am I?" "What is I?" What are thoughts, what is that voice in my head, what is language?" etc. 
And managed to get to the phase of just "looking" or focusing on direct experience without active thoughts (Atleast for periods up to ~1min x maybe 3-5 times during my session)

And at some moment I somehow got the thought, the feeling of "I" and locked it in my awareness.

So what happened is, I managed to realise that this "I" is just a container of previous experience, thoughts->emotions, story, beliefs etc, which is completely fictive, can be changed and rebuilt.

So what happened is, as soon as I got the "I" under my awareness, my brain came up with a visualization of me sitting where I was sitting but just as a piece of meat, with a psyche bot absolutely no identity, just as an object no different than any other physical object. 

This experice sent me to levels of fear I have experienced maybe just a few times in my life, it was in words unaxplaineble panic, fear, anxiety x10.
For the first time, I opened my eyes and stopped my session. I was sitting there for ~1min experiencing some sort of depersonalization, like "I" was no longer this "I" but no different that a fucking chair or a table or any object around me.

I felt like I'm about to cry, like I was being abused, lol.

I stopped doing any enlightenment work for a few weeks after that, and for the past week I restarted this process of self-enquiry. 
And what happened? The same! No matter what, during my session I get to the point of no identity -> no "I" just a physicall object with a psyche. I get to experience this for short periods of time and after ending my session it still lasts for a few minutes.

The problem is that there is some sort of "feeling" a "need" to attach this "I" to something else.

So my question is - what the hell ? What exactly is going on? Is this supposed to happen?

Those sound like some pretty strong glimpses....you may have rattled the sense of self or loosened it up a bit, and yes that would be totally normal considering what you're doing.

What makes up 'I'...

What does 'I' consist of...

Look with intensity, look with all of your attention and energy. 

Look like a man whose hair is on fire looks for a river. ❤

Edited July 18, 2020 by VeganAwake

[Mu_]

4 hours ago, meow_meow said:

So I've been on this journey of self help for about a year now and been meditating almost daily for ~6 months now (30 mins).
~5 months ago I started doing +- serious enlightenment work by doing self-enquiry every other day, sometimes daily (40mins).

No psychedelics.

Recently I managed to get trough the phase of asking questions "Who am I?" "What is I?" What are thoughts, what is that voice in my head, what is language?" etc. 
And managed to get to the phase of just "looking" or focusing on direct experience without active thoughts (Atleast for periods up to ~1min x maybe 3-5 times during my session)

And at some moment I somehow got the thought, the feeling of "I" and locked it in my awareness.

So what happened is, I managed to realise that this "I" is just a container of previous experience, thoughts->emotions, story, beliefs etc, which is completely fictive, can be changed and rebuilt.

So what happened is, as soon as I got the "I" under my awareness, my brain came up with a visualization of me sitting where I was sitting but just as a piece of meat, with a psyche bot absolutely no identity, just as an object no different than any other physical object. 

This experice sent me to levels of fear I have experienced maybe just a few times in my life, it was in words unaxplaineble panic, fear, anxiety x10.
For the first time, I opened my eyes and stopped my session. I was sitting there for ~1min experiencing some sort of depersonalization, like "I" was no longer this "I" but no different that a fucking chair or a table or any object around me.

I felt like I'm about to cry, like I was being abused, lol.

I stopped doing any enlightenment work for a few weeks after that, and for the past week I restarted this process of self-enquiry. 
And what happened? The same! No matter what, during my session I get to the point of no identity -> no "I" just a physicall object with a psyche. I get to experience this for short periods of time and after ending my session it still lasts for a few minutes.

The problem is that there is some sort of "feeling" a "need" to attach this "I" to something else.

So my question is - what the hell ? What exactly is going on? Is this supposed to happen?

Sounds like you had a first hand experience of all experiences being made of the same stuff.  That stuff being "You".  Not the you memory of being born from a particular mom or dad, but the Never Born, Never Dying you that is All. 

Is this still causing panic, anxiety or severe disorientation at level 10 for extended periods?  If so, I'd practice compassion and gratitude work or meditation and heavily cut back your current practice, it can help develop other aspects of your being until you may be ready to embody what your peeking into through your current practices.  Feel free to ask me any questions about this stuff.

[Shmurda]

I started experiencing something similar a few months ago except, after my sense of 'I' became an object, there was no fear. In fact it is pure peace. 

It's like in a movie when someone is dying they're going towards the light at the end of the tunnel. The Egoic self is like the voice saying "don't go towards the light, come back to us." and it will try its hardest to take your attention away from that light. 

Have faith in the light. It's silence and presence are louder than any thought or feeling the mind can summon. 

[Leo Gura]

Existential terror is a great sign! It means you're getting warmer.

Still just the tip though.

[nistake]

My signature has never been more relevant

Anyway, I'd say that's progress. You may have shaken the foundation of your ego. So keep going!

[Grateful Dead]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Existential terror is a great sign! It means you're getting warmer.

Still just the tip though.

how to overcome Existential terror on trips?

[meow_meow]

2 hours ago, nistake said:

My signature has never been more relevant

Anyway, I'd say that's progress. You may have shaken the foundation of your ego. So keep going!

Hahahahah, theres time and place for everything, your signature just reached it's full potential!

 

[meow_meow]

7 hours ago, Mu_ said:

"Is this still causing panic, anxiety or severe disorientation at level 10 for extended periods?  "

Not any more, it was beyond terrifying only for the first time. The fear was automatic, came out of nowhere and I couldnt fall asleep normally for the following 2-3 days.

During my previous sessions even after getting the same result of no identity it was no longer that scary, just weird or didn't trigger any emotional response at all.