Why do old habits come back even stronger after some realizations? And what to do?

[Nadosa]

Sometimes, when I realize some bad patterns and stop resisting them, I set them free - but then at night, I lay in bed, I feel like "mh it is pretty quite up there" and then a feeling of anxiety rushes through my body and simultaneously my mind says "it shouldn't be that way". It is very hard to observe this because it is what made up my person for so long. Noise was my all-day-comapgnon.

I still don't know what to do with these backlashes of patterns that are deep buried in my unconscious and feel like they "make up" my "person". I feel way more attached to them, hence dealing with them is way harder. 

[bejapuskas]

What specific patterns are you talking about?

[Nadosa]

For example general existential anxiety about "myself", who I am, what I am made of, basically creates a steady spiral in my mind which tends to build up emotions of anxiety in me. As well as self-esteem and self-confidence issues. I try to contemplate and set them free. But sometimes, when I feel like my mind slows down, I tend to look up for these patterns and anxiety again just to ensure myself that this part of my identity isn't gone. When I rest in my true nature, I feel like it is ok but not like my full body-mind is integrated in that. Maybe it is a survival thing?

Edited July 17, 2020 by Nadosa

[traveler]

There is no answer, you won't find it, give up trying to change what is happening. The search is hopeless, being totally trapped will end the search. 

[mandyjw]

You aren't two, so trying to separate yourself and rid yourself of anything just won't work. You can become aware that that's not what you are all along and then there's no need to do anything to separate a "you" that isn't actual from something you think is wrong with it. 

[Gesundheit]

1 hour ago, Nadosa said:

Why do old habits come back even stronger after some realizations?

Lack of awareness. It's not enough to have the realizations. Action is required.

Habits = identification = identity.

Change = death of identity.

1 hour ago, Nadosa said:

And what to do?

Enduring the pain of letting go.

Change = letting go.

[bejapuskas]

1 hour ago, Nadosa said:

For example general existential anxiety about "myself", who I am, what I am made of, basically creates a steady spiral in my mind which tends to build up emotions of anxiety in me. As well as self-esteem and self-confidence issues. I try to contemplate and set them free. But sometimes, when I feel like my mind slows down, I tend to look up for these patterns and anxiety again just to ensure myself that this part of my identity isn't gone. When I rest in my true nature, I feel like it is ok but not like my full body-mind is integrated in that. Maybe it is a survival thing?

Those can be tricky. You can call it a survival thing, so it depends on how afraid you are of dying, or giving up the old truths and understandings. If you don't give the old up, there is no space for the new. It's exhausting to operate on two softwares at the same time. If you are really confused and really brave, you can explore not-knowing, not-labeling, to which you get by un-knowing, un-labeling. It gets difficult for you when you label your true nature a state that you rest in, that is a state, therefore not permanent. Or even if you label it as literally anything else. Just rest, it's alright.

When do your self-esteem / confidence issues appear?

[Nadosa]

Sometimes just when somebody says little things, I tend to judge myself about judging myself. Meaning for example, if I do something wrong (in my opinion) or just recently when someone said "how come that you have such a beautiful girlfriend", I tend to judge myself "why does he or she say that?" but in the same time judging myself for even asking myself such questions and then I also tend to compare myself, which I can let go of but it feels very painful in the first place having such feelings.

And I am totally aware of it and it is my biggest flaw at the moment (apart from these existential nature etc. beliefs etc). Letting go of such issues just empowers me so much and I feel like the most confident and loving guy ever, though, when they arise, they can really really bother me and keeping me contemplating, recalling memories, ruminating about why they would say that etc..like an endless spiral.

Edited July 17, 2020 by Nadosa

[bejapuskas]

45 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

Sometimes just when somebody says little things, I tend to judge myself about judging myself. Meaning for example, if I do something wrong (in my opinion) or just recently when someone said "how come that you have such a beautiful girlfriend", I tend to judge myself "why does he or she say that?" but in the same time judging myself for even asking myself such questions and then I also tend to compare myself, which I can let go of but it feels very painful in the first place having such feelings.

And I am totally aware of it and it is my biggest flaw at the moment (apart from these existential nature etc. beliefs etc). Letting go of such issues just empowers me so much and I feel like the most confident and loving guy ever, though, when they arise, they can really really bother me and keeping me contemplating, recalling memories, ruminating about why they would say that etc..like an endless spiral.

@Nadosa  Do you agree with the statement that you / your girlfriend / any other part of your self-concept are not as you would like them to be? Do you want to be somewhere else in life? That you are trying to accomplish someone else's goals or that you don't know what you want/value? Do you have some insecurities or things that bother you about your relationship with your girlfriend?

[Nadosa]

Hm, surely my gf has her flaws due to her age and insecurities. But it is surely not (always) her, but my reaction to her and other people's opinions about her (related to my rumination and self-esteem). 

No I am not where I want to be yet. I know that and I am totally aware that I have yet a way ahead of me. Psychologically, as well as related to my physics. But I work hard for that at the moment.

Well, the relationship started sloppy (it is my first one) and I put on a mask, hence there were many fights and I felt like I was faking everything. Then we had a turning point. It began when I started to be very honest about everything and when I first started to act FROM my happiness and not searching it through the relationship. The dynamic changed from a co-dependency to a more free, lighter, and loving one. Yet, old patterns still come up and tend to trigger also old habits in HER. After all, we are young, and I am also aware that she wants to study elsewhere and I might be going away too. And I dont know what happens after that. There are a few things for sure, but that is my cup of tea how to deal with them. 

Edited July 17, 2020 by Nadosa

[ivankiss]

It's just an echo.

[bejapuskas]

6 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

Hm, surely my gf has her flaws due to her age and insecurities. But it is surely not (always) her, but my reaction to her and other people's opinions about her (related to my rumination and self-esteem). 

Well, the relationship started sloppy (it is my first one) and I put on a mask, hence there were many fights and I felt like I was faking everything. Then we had a turning point. It began when I started to be very honest about everything and when I first started to act FROM my happiness and not searching it through the relationship. The dynamic changed from a co-dependency to a more free, lighter, and loving one. Yet, old patterns still come up and tend to trigger also old habits in HER. After all, we are young, and I am also aware that she wants to study elsewhere and I might be going away too. And I dont know what happens after that. There are a few things for sure, but that is my cup of tea how to deal with them. 

Sounds like you are very responsible. So overall you feel happy about your relationship, you feel it's evolving in a good direction, you are also evolving in a good, more authentic direction, but you still feel insecure and maybe confused sometimes? Is this correct? 

8 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

No I am not where I want to be yet. I know that and I am totally aware that I have yet a way ahead of me. Psychologically, as well as related to my physics. But I work hard for that at the moment. 

What do you want to improve, what are you doing for that?

[Nadosa]

Yes I am happy and people feel my vibe too. But 4 months ago I let my life happen and be directed by other people's opinions rather than mine.

So that was when it started to change. Listening to me instead of others.

Still, I tend to look for other opinions about things I am insecure about (e.g. my Relationship) and treat them as if they were 100% true even though they dont know the situation as good as I do..I still take them too seriously. And they trigger old feelings in me. Feelings I projected onto my gf for example before I started changing habits.

I am still very conditioned to let my life lead by other people's opinions. I want to have my own personal opinion and freedom. I dont want to invest happiness in objects anymore. Nor in persons (maybe that is kind of an protect-mechanism to not get hurt?).

Yes, I still have times where I feel insecure and confused. Because I feel like growing up means to build your own game as you wish whilst having the choice and responsibility for the structure and design of it.

Edited July 17, 2020 by Nadosa

[bejapuskas]

4 hours ago, Nadosa said:

Yes I am happy and people feel my vibe too. But 4 months ago I let my life happen and be directed by other people's opinions rather than mine.

So that was when it started to change. Listening to me instead of others.

Still, I tend to look for other opinions about things I am insecure about (e.g. my Relationship) and treat them as if they were 100% true even though they dont know the situation as good as I do..I still take them too seriously. And they trigger old feelings in me. Feelings I projected onto my gf for example before I started changing habits.

I am still very conditioned to let my life lead by other people's opinions. I want to have my own personal opinion and freedom. I dont want to invest happiness in objects anymore. Nor in persons (maybe that is kind of an protect-mechanism to not get hurt?).

Yes, I still have times where I feel insecure and confused. Because I feel like growing up means to build your own game as you wish whilst having the choice and responsibility for the structure and design of it.

@Nadosa  It seems like you are realizing many things, good job on spotting those. Change is harder than realization though, take your time, it's ok  I think you don't want to invest in people because you might need some time for yourself, to heal your wounds, don't skip this, because otherwise you are just postponing the work. Reality is indeed complex, there are infinite possibilities and you cannot try out all of them, you cannot understand all perspectives - therefore believing anything others say you should be doing doesn't actually get you closer to understanding yourself. Spend some time alone, clear up your mind, do something you like. By doing this, you can unattach from the programmings of others and just focus on what your values and beliefs about what makes you feel good are. Then focus on those, it's about direct experience with reality, not about beliefs about it. You have it in you, just stop believing nonsense anyone tells you  This present moment without beliefs is very clear, not confusing.