Healing, past life, huge trip report

[Pako]

Now olmost 3 years into the spritual path, having handful of deep spiritual and some psychedelic experiences, learning a lot of lessons, doing leo’s course (lots of gratitude to leo for helping me on my path), undergoing  transformation i never took possible, radically opening my mind for things that have changed my perspective on the world for ever... i now find myself to be kind of stuck/blocked in my path and posting here on the forum to get some insights and/or help but also to introduce myself on the forum in the form of a trip report of my life.

 

shortly about me -

 

I was fully living in stage orange the biggest part of my life and lived completely through it while in the ultimate orange territory; the army. 

earlier this year i quitted my job at the army, sold my house and moved to another place to pursue my life purpose as a musician. one more reason to quit was that i didn’t resonate with my environment and colleagues anymore because i was transcending consciously and unconsciously from stage orange to stage green the last 3 years. It was holding me back.

 

spiritual path -

 

About 3 years ago, motivated by depressed feelings , suffering and lack of purpose i watched a no bullshit how to meditation video on youtube from leo. Since then i’ve meditated dailly. One year ago i did my first meditation retreat (unfortunately also motivated by some upcoming depressed feelings around that time). in this first 5-day meditation retreat I had one experience of everything being love and light during one meditation, it was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life at that time. 

 

it echoed on for some weeks ending with a horrific ego-backlash around oktober/november. But it left me this Huge lesson to start practicing being fully inside my body. which I’m actually still struggling with with ups and downs. 

 

13 weeks ago I did my second 7-day meditation-retreat, i again had some beautiful experiences of everything being love and my consciousness skyrocketed for a while. I also had some experiences/memories what seems to be of past lives.

 

Memories -

 

The first time i started experiencing these memories was back in  januari 2018 when i took some psylocibine truffles. 

I had a awesome trip! Learning a lot about consciousness and gained the skill (or discovered?) of sketching/drawing (with a little bit of help from M.C. Escher, i had paintings of him al around my house, escher being in my life since childhood in the form of books and various other ways since i can remember, i even had the thought one time in my trip that i was the reincarnation of Escher haha?) 

I always felt a huge creative force inside me my whole life but it never manifested in the way of art, only music. 

 

The following weeks I had a strong urge To draw. I was drawing dailly for hours from a place of silence, the most awesome drawings! perfectly and effortlessly without even touching a pencil once in my life before! The most complex mathematical infrastructures and perspective drawings without even doing research on it once. I now know where the name magic truffles come from...

 

but at one point it scared the shit out of me... I was drawing memories that weren’t From me... at least not this life... But at the same time they felt mine and they were coming from a deep place inside that wasn’t my imagination. 

I later experienced flashbacks of these memories during a 2-cb trip and that Opened the possibility for me that there exists something like a past life.

I came to realize that I probably experienced a lot during that life, even some trauma that still needs to be resolved. It may even be so that this trauma is blocking me now but i have to do more research on this topic. I’m still trying to find good recourses.

 

Heart awakening - 

 

In the spiral dynamics videos leo points out that having a heart awakening is a great stepping point from orange to green. I Took this seriously and started doing meditation on the heart (the heartfullness way), wim hof breathing, reading books, doing psychedelic trips etc etc only to find out that I haven’t done enough research into the concept heart awakening. and i’m now facing some problems in the form of physical and mental manifestation and i think they all point to the same problem/blockage that prevents me having a heart awakening.

 

I went to some doktors for some physical things like palpitations, migraines some neurological things tiredness/energy problems etc.. nothing weird was found and they couldn’t help me. One medical route i’m following now is lyme dissease, i’ve had around 100 harvest bug bites while in the army and had a very special psychedelic trip that confirmed this thought that i will talk about later in this report.

 

i also started to have some mental problems like hyperventilation and fear 5 years ago I went to a psychologist 2 times and it was treated very Quickly... but it came back during my ego backlash last oktober/november. Went to another psychologist and again it was treated Very quick but i realized this treatment was just on the surface.

during my life purpose course i’ve came to realize that healing/health/energy is the number one value in my list, so i have started walking this path now for a few weeks.

 

2 weeks ago i started with a haptotherapist/sjamanic healer. The first thing he noticed is that all my physical discomfort was all localized on the left side of my body, representing my unbalanced feminine side.

 

One of my biggest issues in life is connection and communication with other people, this resonates with my feminine side. He send me to breathing therapy, holotropic breathing, to deal with my hyperventilation issue, im starting with that next week. I’m still figuring out other ways to heal myself and balance my feminine side. if anyone know ways i’d love to hear them. My masculinity probably have had to much of boost in the army ?

 

Since my first meditation retreat one year ago i started to have some uncomfortable things during my meditations.. the first experience earlier this year was during a “do-nothing” meditation after a lsd trip. I felt a huge pressure in my heart area, it felt like a huge balloon helt under water and it was about to erupt, it felt like a sea of emotions and i thought I couldn’t handle it and fear came along, i pushed the experience away and forced it to stop... (at first i thought it was my physical heart and went to a doktor, had some tests but nothing out of the ordinary came out)

 

i had this same experience again since then for about 4-5 times, everytime it feels too much and i push it away because it feels like I couldn’t handle it... 

Intuitively i think it has something to do with my heart chakra awakening or maybe past trauma’s.

 

What is the best possible step i could take to deal with all this? What exercises? I’m starting holotropic breath work next week, i think that’ll help. I’m also going to do a kambo ceremony next month. And in the meditation i practice there is a exercise called cleaning that should be useful, i’m doing it at the end of each day. my girlfriend just finished reiki 2 and she could perform it on me, dont know if that is beneficial, i’m still a newbie on this field.

 

For the physical part im starting chinese acupuncture tomorrow, this is also because ive had corona in march and still have some left over symptoms to make it all complete ?

 

healing is definitely a huge part of my life at this moment in order to proceed with my life-purpose and life in general.

 

Lsd and microdosing and lsa trip - 

 

lastly, i still have to tell about my last psychedelic experiences. Shit is about to get weird now... 

it started about 4 weeks ago i had a really bad week and bad luck around this time, and some days later when i was really down and wanted to escape from life for a while and i took a little bit of lsd and weed... i know really bad idea... 

but while tripping and, of course having a really bad experience! i started to experience some really high consciousness i’ve never had before... And at this place i experienced a meeting with leo and ken wilber... i don’t know if it just were hallucinations/projections of my mind or that I experienced this for real, but it happened and i remember it... one thing that i do know is that I don’t know anything and that i still have to learn a lot about everything in life, and after all my experiences nothing seems very weird anymore. I probably just tripped too unresponsible. 

the week after that my girlfriend was about to start with microdosing and i joined her, i started to feel better and took it seriously because i didn’t  want these drops and downs anymore. I must say that it helped me a lot the last days and weeks and i starting to feel myself again and have energy for life and my purpose in life. And one interesting thing to notice is how it affected my next lsa trip. 

 

2 weeks ago i did a lsa trip, baby Hawaiian woodrose, with my girlfriend.

don’t underestimate these little seeds! ?... 

we both took 550mg prepared capsules. Our location was in nature, we were staying on a camping ground for 3 days. The second day we took the capsules in the morning and left for a unforgettable hike in nature, my intention was “nature as mentor” yep that simple... My girlfriend’s intention was about finding her power in life, and we were about to get answers to this and even more in very profound ways!

 

as we were walking i was becoming very contemplative and philosophical about the life and dead cycle and our consciousness was growing very subtle. Our trip was going very smoothly and mother nature was leading us at a very subtle way. At one point we were standing on a sightseeing point and we felt really small, our ego’s began to melt down.

my girlfriend was undergoing a very smooth ego death. I, on the other hand, was struggling with surrender a lot!

My girlfriend noticed a pattern of our last few trips and says i always have this on the same point of out trip. I can’t seem to find the problem but she sees it exactly unfolding every time. 

 

An half hour went by and i was still struggling with my surrender but suddenly it smashes me in the face and the unexplainable became explained, my consciousness expanded and my ego dissolved! I was laughing and screaming because it felt so good and it was finally there,

all of universal wisdom was raining down on me, it felt amazing!

After some time my girlfriend and i went back to our camping place and my ego was slowly returning into place and there it was...

i started to get hyperventilation and a panic attack on the way back... the same one i’ve described before that is haunting me for a while... it came with a lot of physical discomfort and i thought i was dying, until i realized it was just a panic attack, when we were back inside the tent i felt bad... really bad! 

I had no energy and a lot of pain... 

 

in past trips with my girlfriend we discovered that my girlfriend has some energetic power while tripping and she can kind of cure my pain and discomfort at an energy level... so she was performing her things on me and it started to help... i felt better. 

 

just when i thought it couldn’t be more profound, we both started to feel a presence of someone else joining us. It all happened very fast and smooth. 

It was my grandmother who past away when i was a kid, unfortunately i never really got to know her...until now. 

 

She told us she was helping me already for a really long time and was giving me signs And directions in my life, everytime i asked for help the last weeks and months for my pain and discomfort and suffering she was actually helping me! 

 

My girlfriend didn’t knew my grandmother or knew anything about her but she was speaking for her, at the same time i could also feel her words in my body... the recognition at that moment is was absolutely the most beautiful experience of my life! 

I was finally crying after years of holding my tears back and it felt amazing to finally release it. 

 

My grandmother told me she was happy that I finally recognized her and that she was with me all the time and that she was leaving signs and signals, she told me that she was helping my mother too and she finished by saying that I absolutely need to keep practicing my gratitude! 

 

I never believed in things like these but my open mindedness got stretched a lot that moment. After this experience my girlfriend told me that leo was also here and he was looking self fullfilled, probably a projection of my mind or something because leo is an important part of my spiritual journey and personal development.

After this was finished we moved a little and saw something moving on our bed...

 

harvest bugs.

 

in dutch they are called teek/teken. Translated it means “sign/signs”. It was the answer i had in my mind that i probably have lyme-disease showed in a horrible but clear way ?....

 

at least for me motivation to follow the path of healing. 

 

it was a really deep and profound spiritual experience.

 

i just felt i needed to post this here, i hope you’ve enjoyed my writing. And i hope someone can learn something from my story.

 

Thanks to everybody for sharing this thing together we call life. 

 

And lastly thanks to Leo for all the teachings and work that you do.

 

 

 

 

Edited July 17, 2020 by Pako