Me Some What Censored, Mostly Uncut

[T1r1on]

Hello, like minded people and hopefully new friends. My name is Jeremy. I'm 24 and I've been doing personal development for almost 2 years now. I've had some ups and downs like I'm sure all of you have. I'm going to try to do a daily journal, but it all depends how things go for me. That said let me tell you a little bit about myself.

Growing up my family moved around alot, so I was always the new kid. To top that off I was kind of a loner, and always bullied. But, I never let it get to me. I always knew that I would be moving eventualy anyway. I have always loved art. I started drawing when I was 6, and still do to this day. About 6 years ago I decided to take my art skillset to insane levels, so now I do graphic design, music, video, painting, sculpting, writing, and few strange off hand arts like blacksmithing, and luthery. A few of those I still consider myself a novice in, and now looking back I took on too much too fast. Especially when I started PD.

The past year of my life has been crazy. I was working in the oilfield at the beginning. (You will never feel more out of place than doing PD in the oilfield) Then I got laid-off. Honestly I've never been happier than that moment they said "we have to let you go." I was like FREEDOM!!! Then I started unemployment. I used this time to learn as much as I could, but sadly it wasn't long enough. Now I'm working at a dead end job through a temp agency.  I have never worked so hard for so little. But, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Here in the next week or two I'll be starting some affiliate marketing. If all goes well I might be able to generate enogh to quit this pointless job.

[T1r1on]

I've never realy set any goals for myself. But I've noticed that lately I have been, just not the way that thought I was supposed to, if that makes sense. Instead of writing out lists and sitting down to visualize them, I daydream about them all day long. So, I guess it is visualization, kind of, all day long. I think I will write them down from now on. 

The guy I work with has been at this same job for 40 years. He works in his time off and on his weekends. He doesn't seem to like it one bit, but don't think he can say no. I don't want that. I need to say no more often.

I've been using a guided meditation on youtube the past few days. Oh, I've been meditating for the past 5 months no misses.The teacher is Mooji. He teaches the "I am" meditation. I like how deep he gets me. Apparently it's more of am intermediate level, but it seems to work fine for me. I want to become enlightened eventually.

I may have set a timer for this forum. I can see where it may eat up too much time for me. I only realy have about 4 hours to myself a day. Except for my days off. I do forsee some long nights in the near future however. 

[DanoDMano]

T1r1on wow brother your way ahead in your journey, keep it up. I was so much like you growing up and I think I turned out ok. It sounds like we had the same kind of upbringing, so I can relate. I too am an artist, so to speak and I've been doing a journal pretty well everyday for 35 years. I find writing my thoughts onto paper really help bring things to fruition so keep it up. Good luck in the journey and keep your thoughts positive. All things seem to work themselves out when you do. The laws of attraction work.

[T1r1on]

@DanoDMano Thanks for the advice. I stay positive for the most part, but sometimes things just get me. What kind of art do you do?

[DanoDMano]

This kind. I'm a bit spacey.

 

[T1r1on]

@DanoDMano That's awesome. How long did it take?

[T1r1on]

Today was my day off. I went to the city to get some stuff I needed. After I got back I finaly got Leo's life purpose course. I can't wait to dig into it. After that it was alot of running around taking care of other things like bills and such. Hopefully Sunday will go alot smoother.

I also started my first website. I still have alot to do to it, but I got the ball rolling. I'll continue it tomorrow. It's actually kind of fun.

Last night while I was meditating I felt some nice,  but strange, sensations. It was like floating in water, kind of, and my forhead had a strange buning sensation, I can still feel it a little. Also, my thoughts slowed almost to a complete stop. It was amazing. I hope I get to that point again.

With all of the driving I do, I think I'm going to get an audible acount and start listening to books while I drive. Although, I do enjoy listening to music and singing along while I drive. I will have to do an experiment to see if listening to the books makes me drowsy. 

In general life seems to be taking me in a new direction. I've been doing tons of reaserch on alot of things and now it seems like I'm going to start some of the results. I'm excited to see the outcome.

[DanoDMano]

@T1r1on Awesome dude. Sounds to me like your definitely dedicated to improve your own self-awareness. Also sounds to me like your meditating is working. What you say is happening can only mean that your consciousness is trying to break through. Most will NEVER get this far so your progressing for the better.

Maybe I missed it, but what's the website subject matter? If you need a writer let me know, I can do that kind of thing for nothing. I just enjoy it, gives me self-fulfillment. Just let me know.

Finally to answer your question about how long it takes. Well believe it or not I do about six to ten at a time. The paint designs are a secret discovery (the swirls and such). The frames are second hand. It takes about three days per batch (16 total hrs). I then have a gallery (rent space) for sales with a price range of $30 to $150. I make enough from these to live a comfortable (albeit, modest) life. Not bad eh? Later brother.  

P.S. Comic book / sci-fi type guys and kids love this stuff, executive types not so much, thus the price range. It's a niche' market for sure.

[T1r1on]

@DanoDMano Thanks for telIing  what that sensation was. I was going to reaserch it when I had the chance. I still will, but now I have a general idea of what's going on. 

It's an affiliate website. For my first one I wanted to target a small niche. So, I chose Autodidacts. It has virtualy no competition, and there are plenty of info products for it. I don't expect to get rich or anything, but any little amount extra at this point helps.

Sounds like you got things handled, and doing something you like is bonus. Lately, I haven't had time to do anything. But, soon all of that will change.

[DanoDMano]

@T1r1on Autodidacts???? Sorry bro, I have no clue what that is, so writing anything for you sounds impossible. Maybe I could add some cartoon drawings. LOL. Later.

[T1r1on]

Today was long and rough. I wound up helping my boss do alot of stuff at his place. I didn't get out of there until 6pm. Then I had to get gas and dinner for tonight. ( it's about 30 miles from my bosses place to town) Needless to say I haven't had the chance to work on the website. But, I got my brother in law to pick up a new bed for me. I won't have to worry about faling out of my bed tonight, and maybe my back won't hurt tomorrow. The old one was a hand me down.

I have been working on being more forgiving to myself. I aproach things that I do with more undsting. I can be pretty hard on myself. This doesn't ever get me anwhere. For example, I should be working on my website,  but I'm writing this post instead. Instead of beating myself up, I take a different approach. I see how I busted my ass all day and, how much mental effort I put into everything I did. Then I notice how everything has been real fuzzy all day, and I let it slide. Don't get me wrong I am still stern with my self, but I have to take some time to just let go and relax.

Thst actually brought me back to somthing I noticed when I was young. I remember how things were crystal clear and super vivid  back then. Then I remember how it shifted to a hazy blur over the years. It was subtle, but I noticed it. Now things are moving back toward the clear side. I think this has to do with awareness and consciousness. When I was younger I may have been more aware and conscious. Then, as societies conditioning took hold I lost some. Now I'm building them back and the cliarity is coming back.

[T1r1on]

@DanoDMano It's a person who teaches them selves. No teacher required. That's it. Everyone has this ability. It just varies from person to person. I'm highly autodidactic. That's why I studie subjects on my own, And conduct reaserch almost religiously. What's funny is that this word know one knows also has a synonym; Polyhistor.

[DanoDMano]

 

37 minutes ago, T1r1on said:

@DanoDMano It's a person who teaches them selves. No teacher required. That's it. Everyone has this ability. It just varies from person to person. I'm highly autodidactic. That's why I studie subjects on my own, And conduct reaserch almost religiously. What's funny is that this word know one knows also has a synonym; Polyhistor.

@T1r1on Oh yeah...   Polyhistor.

Why didn't you say that in the first place? LOL.

Later

[DanoDMano]

51 minutes ago, T1r1on said:

Today was long and rough. I wound up helping my boss do alot of stuff at his place. I didn't get out of there until 6pm. Then I had to get gas and dinner for tonight. ( it's about 30 miles from my bosses place to town) Needless to say I haven't had the chance to work on the website. But, I got my brother in law to pick up a new bed for me. I won't have to worry about faling out of my bed tonight, and maybe my back won't hurt tomorrow. The old one was a hand me down.

I have been working on being more forgiving to myself. I aproach things that I do with more undsting. I can be pretty hard on myself. This doesn't ever get me anwhere. For example, I should be working on my website,  but I'm writing this post instead. Instead of beating myself up, I take a different approach. I see how I busted my ass all day and, how much mental effort I put into everything I did. Then I notice how everything has been real fuzzy all day, and I let it slide. Don't get me wrong I am still stern with my self, but I have to take some time to just let go and relax.

Thst actually brought me back to somthing I noticed when I was young. I remember how things were crystal clear and super vivid  back then. Then I remember how it shifted to a hazy blur over the years. It was subtle, but I noticed it. Now things are moving back toward the clear side. I think this has to do with awareness and consciousness. When I was younger I may have been more aware and conscious. Then, as societies conditioning took hold I lost some. Now I'm building them back and the cliarity is coming back.

@T1r1on Dude stop being so hard on yourself. It's actually your ego that's putting you down. Think of it as that voice in your head. That's not you talking, it's your ego man. Think of it as someone else. Tell it your trying your best and to shut the f up. You'll get it eventually. Your ego is telling you bullshit all the time. The sooner you come to this realization (awareness), the sooner you'll know the "truth".

Your right to, that clarity your feeling is the real you.

Journey on brother.

[T1r1on]

Today was strange. It was oddly quiet while still being loud ass hell. We didn't have much to do in the shop, so I got in alot of broom thinking, until I had to go to the land fill ( I smelled garbage for hours after that). I actually managed to enter meditative state while sweeping. My forhead had that strange burning sensation again, and I still kind of feel it. Oh, last nights meditation went amazingly. I think that might be why it was "quiet" today, and why I managed to enter that state. But, it left me with a bunch of questions. Questions I'm sure alot of people here have, have had, and will have. I don't think I'm ready for enlightenment work, but I feel like I may need to start. I don't know. I don't even know if there is book or anything that will help me know. I feel as though some reserch is needed, or more questioning myself.

I've made it this far without doing any serious questioning of myself, well in a sense. I question myself all the time, but not the right questions if that makes sense. I have noticed that I am noticing more things like my periferal vision, and the little sensations in my body, also little flickers in my vision. It's kind of like microsecond black outs, but it only happens in the morning when I'm still waking up. I keep wondering what that forhead sensation is, it's not a familiar sensation, but I have had others like it. Like on the back of my head I would feel tingling like my hair standing up, but it never was. Perhaps I should start doing self inquiry or something like that.

Sometimes I feel a little discouraged because this isn't like most things I do. Usualy I have directions or a guide, but I have no road map for my head. I know something is happening,  but I don't know what it is. And, the worst part is it feels like it just barely out of my reach, but that's something that drives me to reach for whatever it is. Leo talks about the ego, and the true self and emotions, and on a serface level I get it, but deep down I realy have no clue whats going on. Sometimes it feels like I have been in a coma for the past 15 years, or like everyone knows what's going on and I just got left out of the loop. Emotionaly I am lost. I watched leos video for unstanding your emotions and I didn't even meet the minimum of what he was talking about. Hell, at one point I questioned whether or not I had emotions at all.

Then I remembered the time I was happy. Not exited, truely happy. Maybe it was at peace, I don't know. I've always just bottled them up because part of felt like it was a sign of weakness, and the other part didn't want to have to deal with them. They say you can't control your emotions, but not having them seems to be like control. Maybe, when my dad left it left me numb. But, I won't know until I open the bottle (that'll be interesting). I think I'm going to tie a sring to my wrist to remind me to stop and identify whatever is going on emotionaly. I'll catalog these in my handy dandy work journal that is useless at this job.

But on less unknowing note. I accidentally scared an old lady today. I listen to super heavy metal, and I smoke. I was in my car listening to Emure and smoking with the widow down, because that's relaxing to me, and I lookd at the people next to me. The look of pure horror on this womans face was kind of funny to me. It just reminded me of you can't judge a book by its cover, and how society and culture engrain themselves on you psyke, as well as a few other things. And then I remembered this on time I was driving with my hipster friend somewhere while we were listening to Hank the third. A hipster and a metal head listening to country. Lol

Onto the end of today. I have a wide variety of skills as I'm sure most people have, and the particular skill I'm talking about here is audio engineering. Basically, I'm making a couple sub boxxes for a guy. So, I went to his house and got the dimensions for the second box. It's going to be in house. Then, I went to ace for a router (wood cutting kind). After I finally made it home I got the land fill off of me and ate. Then, I had to go back to ace for florecent light bulbs (the big ones that break easy). It was about 8:30 when I finaly got back and what did I do. Not work on the website I've been trying to get to. Ive come to the conclusion that I may have to wait until Sunday. Then, I'll have plenty of time to get it handled.

After I get home from work it feels like I have a lot to do, but I can never seem to figure out what it is that I need to be doing. I think im going to start doing a daily planner (again). It might help me cut through the hazyness after work. It almost seems like the drive home puts me in a different state of mind. I get all dazed and confused. Maybe my job is wearing me out more than I think it is.

[T1r1on]

Today was slow so I had time to think about things, and build up my mastery of sweeping( I am now at level 98). I had a few moments of clairity, which are always nice, and the head thing again. Time felt like it was ticking backwards sometimes. I started the list thing, and this was fist on the list, so I could dedicated time to other things. It was so quiet today I thought I heard a mouse fart in timbuktu. We had another earthquake today, and I finaly noticed it happening. 

Sometimes I feel like a slave. People point and tell me what to do and I do it. I don't like that one bit. But, I never voice my opinion.  Even if I do I usually get yelled at, or laughed at (that realy sucks). Nothing says you're a morron like giving your best idea and being laughed at. But, inside I now it would work. And, I'm somewhat vengeful.  So, the person who tells me I can't do something will find out that I will do it just to prove them wrong. That seems kind of dark now that I think about it. And that rwminds me of another wierd thing about me. 

There have been moment in my life were I should have felt proud. Winning art competitions, graduating high school and then college and so on. But, I've never realy felt proud. People say they are proud of me for this or that, but I never see why. Maybe, I don't realy see them as acomplishments. It's more like I was told to do it and did. The things that I do feel proud of, no one cares about. This has lead me to see that in the end people really only care about themselves. Which is fine I don't harbor anger or resentment for these thing because I get it, we are all the star of our own story, which is kind of liberating ounce you wrap your head around it.

[T1r1on]

Today was my day off, and I finally got to relax a little bit. I meditated this morning, which is realy nice. It seems to linger on throughout the day. I played a video game for the first time in about 2 months, and got to see a couple friends. I made alot of progress on the website, and all I need to do now is add a few articles. Then I'll start the marketing. 

I noticed that I don't smoke if I'm playing a video game. I wander if it's one adiction overpowering another or if it's just that I don't respond to the urge. I'll have to do some research on that.

I really don't have much to talk about today, and after reading a few other peoples posts I thought I should share some of my goals. Que the bullet list!

• Meditate everyday, no matter what, for ever
• Turn my keg into a six pack, and stay healthy
• Learn many martial atrs, and sword fighting
• Become financialy independent
• Actually get out and meet some women
• Enlightenment
• Have some amazing adventures
• Become an amazing artist
• Learn how to dance
• Be an inspiration to people
• Die knowing I won at life......lol

There is a few of I didn't put on here. Some more shallow ones, like own a ferari, those may change as I progress. 

I think I'll start putting down some things I want to do the next day as well. So, tomorrow I want to finish the website, start Leo's lif purpose course, and figure out  the next habit I want to develope. I'll also write these on a calendar so I don't forget.

[DanoDMano]

@T1r1on  Very impressive brother. I like the cut of your jib. I can tell you like to write as much as I do, and you have real talent in this area. You are becoming aware of your authentic self, as well as being able to "read" those around you. Your setting goals for yourself (remember some you will succeed at others you will fail at). One part of your journal entry stated that you don't get very excited with your accomplishments, so remember then, not to get disappointed with your failures as well, for that's how you'll find true contentment in your life. It's all about experiences, not success and failure.

Nice job, keep moving forward at little at a time. This thing we call life is a marathon not a sprint. Later. 

[T1r1on]

Today was good. Even though we didn't have much to do time still went by quickly. My alergies were acting up in the morning, but they subsided after lunch. I had a strong feeling that I won't be doing this for much longer. It may have just been from the excitement of almost being ready to launch the site or, maybe something is going to happen that will cause me to lose this job. Either way I found solice in it. I do believe that we are capable of anticipating the future with amazing accuracy. That reminds of President Bush. Before the elections were even started I already knew he would be the president.

We do have more than 5 sences. The 5 are basic and obvious. The others are things like balance, magnetism, and a few others and can't think of off the top of my head. I wonder if these can be incorporated into meditation to give you more awareness. 

I managevto do all tje things on my list for tonight.  The site os coming along nicely, and I finaly got into google addwords and the amazon affilate program. It was a little backwards to me at first. I had to have the site to get the programs, but I needed the programs to make the site. So everthing is kind of half assed and now I have to refine it. But that won't be too difficult. I watched the intro to Leo's life purpose course. I wish I had more time to watch the next video, but Roam wasn't built in a day, and I can't do 8 things at once. 

The habit was hard, but easy. I kept asking myself what is the one going to be, and then the monkey chatter kicked in, but the answer was there like a wisper in a crowd. So, after cutting the chatter down I came to the realization that a visualization habit in the mornings is the best next step. As it is I only do it every now and then, but to get the good effects I need to do it daily. And hey more meditation can't hurt. That also means I need to start getting up a little earlier, and 20 minutes is no big deal. 

I thought a lot about my productivity today. Most of what I do at the shop is looking busy so I don't get my ass chewed. This lead me to one of those thinking in their head moments. If I was in his shoes how would I feel if the guy working for me is always just on standby? Why pay them for doing nothing? There's plenty for him to do. Then I looked at it from my perspective. I have everything done. Now I don't know what to do. Look for something. Shit, that didn't take long enough. My sweeping skills are too good, now what? And it goes back and forth and back and for, etc. I thought about how this situation could be resolved, and it would take understanding on both sides and some communication, which isn't going to happen. So, I'm left in the same spot doing the same shit over and over. Which is what it is. 

I also thought about the future, which is all that keeps me going honestly. In a few weeks I might be abe to quit, or at least be bringing in enough to handle some extra stuff. Then I can start some bigger things, which will get me out for sure. After that the my growth will increase exponentially. And eventually I'll have a firm grasp on how I want my life to be going. I already have a good foundation, now I'm building on it.

[T1r1on]

Today was honestly kind of boring. Everyone just seemed to stay in their own little place and not say a word to eachother. Which is ok, but it makes the day longer. I tried to do some walking meditation,  but it's kind of hard to do with the radio on. Leaving was amazing though. Then, I had a friend show up outnof the blue just to through a monkey wrench in my plans. Those were his words. I feel like it was good that he did that though. All work and no play, and such. I have been under the radar lately doing all this stuff. Oh, I did do the visualization this morning. It didn't go as well as I wanted it to however. But that's what I get for doing it in the living room. 

So, onto tomorrows plan. I am going to watch the next video in the lige purpose course. Then, help my friend wire a stereo up. After that I will try to get the website launched. I think that sounds like a well rounded day. Ithink I'll do a little cleaning somewhere in there as well.

I can't wait to get this website up, and start bringing in some money. After I make a few websites it should start going faster. Then I have a few bigger ideas that should bring in a decent income. I'm more looking forward to having  time to myself instead of breaking my back for reletivly nothing. 

To end on a positive note, I last nights meditation was amazing. That burning sensation changed to a cool tingle and it covered both sides of my head, rather than just the right side. I went for about 1.5 hours without moving at all. I've been using a strange self made tecnique, where  I releasin resistance. It helps with some of the little aches and pains that come along. It's hard to descibe how I do it. I'll try to do so in the near future.