Me Some What Censored, Mostly Uncut

[T1r1on]

I watched leos video about rationality today. It was a huge eye opener. My problem is that I'm not well versed in my psychology. This leads to me not knowing what I should. As I've said befor I tend to naturally fall into things without knowing what I'm doing. I've been a rational thinket to a degree and not even known it. After I started PD I've been moving away from it, more than I was anyway.

I don't like it when I ask a question and someone tells me I'm asking the wrong question. I'm sorry I'm not asking the question that you have pre-planned for me to ask. My mind is not your mind how can you cone to this position? There are too many variables. It's kind of ridiculous. 

I don't know how much longer I can stay at this job. It sucks the life out of me. In more ways than I'm going to tell. I don't fit. And now I have people trying to make me fit. This is going to backfire on them. That's just how I am.

It's time to meditate.

[T1r1on]

I smashed my finger with another finger today. It was painful and strange. I was wearing gloves to boot. The finger that did the smashing is perfectly fine. I think it's freaking hilarious. It amuses how I can do things perfectly wrong. One time I pinched a nerv in my back by laying down on my bed. I was in the fetal position for 3 hours. 

I have tomorrow off and I haven't made any plans yet. There are tons of things I want to do, but I picked what I will do. I know I want to draw, so I'll do that for sure. I have to set up an appointment with the dentist. I called like 12 times today, but it didn't go through.  So, I'll have to go up there and see if there number changed when I schedule an appointment.  

After I watched Leo's video on rationality I've been seeing things differently. It's a nice change. I see things for what they are not what I think they are. I also don't have to constantly remind myself do notice it. 

I live I  Oklahoma. And there are a ton of fires around us. The big one that's burning was started by a semi blow out. And there is one that started this morning, and it's burning about 12 miles from my house. You can see the light coming off the fire right now. It's kind of entrancing. They really can't do anything about it though. Where it's at, there is a whole bunch of canyons, and they can't get to the fire. So, people have to put a birm around what they don't want burnt and soak what they can. It really sucks.

I think I need someone to bounce ideas and concepts off. Learning is one thing, but talking about and teaching are another. Plus it gives you more perspectives to use. I would post somthing on the forum, but I don't want a whole bunch of enlightenment stuff. I'm working on it like most of us. But, I'm no where near where other people are, or at least I think I'm not. I really don't know. I could very well be on the cusp of enlightenment and not even realize it. It does seem to happen at a moments notice. I'll just have to see what I can do.

[T1r1on]

I worked on my youtube channel all day. It was fun. Other than that not much happened. I drew a little bit. 

It's really hard doing 100% responsibility when you always get blamed for other people's failures. I still manage,  but it sucks. Hopefully, this situation will change soon. 

I've been doing the LPC. I'm on the life purpose section.  It's taking a while. But, I've already gotten a lot of it. I'm starting to see forest through the bushes, so to speak. It gets me all excited to see what's next.

[T1r1on]

I'm not sure if I'm sick or my alergies are going nuts. And it sucks. I've taken both alergie and cold medicine abd neither are doing anything.  All of my energy is gone. Nothing interesting happened today, and I'm not really coherent. I'm going to meditate and go to bed. 

[T1r1on]

I feel way better today. I crashed while I was meditating and felt pretty good in the morning. I still have some congestion, but it's normal. 

I put in an application for a different job today. I'm quite fed up this one. I'm hoping that the next one won't leave me so drained. Also I'll be in familiar surroundings doing something I'll be good at.

I've been seeing things for what they are. Not labeling them. It opens up my head for other stuff. I have been having a hard time conveying an objects lable though. So, when I'm talking to someone I have to stop and remember what it's called. I've always done this, but now it's getting a little worse.  It happens about 2 or 3 times a day. I'm not really worried about it though. It's all semantics to me. I can just point and say "that" usually (lol).

I got through the second life purpose video today. Or the third if you count down the list (not including the intro). I'm pretty sure I had it figured out already. I just needed to refine it. And, getting it all wrote down and worked through really helps. Plus it was worth just the concepts alone. 

I've been pondering on something Joe Rogan said in one of his podcasts. Live life like your the hero in a movie, and now is the beginning where your life is a giant mess. And, just decide to go in a better direction. It makes me think about how at a moments notice I cab change anything. Then I think of what Allan Watts said. Life is just one giant present moment. So, that refines it to right now I can change anything, and only now can I change anything. 

I had a cool thought earlier.  It really doesn't have to do with PD, but it's fun to mow over. What if at any 1 present moment that is 1 persons present moment in the illusion of time. So, like I am the only person who is in the present moment for my time. And we are all taking turns at different "times". And, the people we see in our time are only afer images of their time that have been woven into existence because all that ever exists is the present moment. And it jumps all over the place. So, now is my present moment, but after I die it changes to a Pharoah or one of your distant disendants. It's really hard to explain. It would be kind of like focusing on one individual at a time in the blanket of consciousness. Like the universe, or god has 1 focal point at a time, but time is irrelevant. So, everyone and everything gets to be the main character. Like I said, it was a fun thought.

[T1r1on]

I just finished the next part of the LPC, and it took a while. You write a hundred directed questions. I was fun though. It's not something that I get to do often. Ask questions, good ones, that is. Now I want to answer them all, and make another list. 

I frequently get thoughts about how society could improve. It would require everyone's participation to do. And, that is quite the feet to acomplish. It's not something that I could see in my lifetime probably. But, the foundation could be laid in our generation. 

I have something that I need to reaserch so I'm going to cut this short.

[T1r1on]

I really didn't do anything today. I've been talking with my family all day. It's nice to just sit down mow over thoughts with a group of people. I did meditate this morning. And, I'm going to meditate after this. Oh, we had a couple Mormons show up at around 3:30.

[T1r1on]

I ran into an interesting idea earlier. When you fall asleep and wake up the next day it feels like no time passed at all. So, is that what death is like? If so, it'll be quite peaceful. Regardless This lead to another thought. 

When we think of death, it's generally grim or morbid. But, really of it's anything like sleep we just phase out. Maybe it's not so much that we fear death, but can't comprehend not existing. We are pure existence, but that means the inverse as well, we are nonexistent, at least at some point. Maybe sleep is required to keep the balance of existence and nonexistence. I don't know, but now I have something to figure out.

I've noticed a change in the way I look at the world. I'm seeing things for what they are, at least a little. And I take in more instead of just running on auto pilot. It's pretty cool how you can change so quickly. 

Tomorrow I have an interview. I'm trying to get out of this job and into one that at least kind of fits me. It'll be a while before anything really takes off and makes enough to live off of. But, it will happen soon enough.

[T1r1on]

I hate being poor. I barely make enough to get gas, pay rent, keep up with insurance, and buy cigarettes. I know I should quit, but now isn't the time. To top it off my sister, her husband, their kids, and my mom all live here too. It costs quite a bit to keep us all fead and utilities caught up. And my brother in laws job is falling through. I've tried to get decent job to try and keep up, but it's not working at all. If it was just me I would just live out of my car for a while, but that's not an option. I need to get some cash flowing, but I don't really know what I'm doing. I've been educating myself, but it all seems to be hollow generic advice.  I'll figure it out. I can't seem to be able to count on anyone anyway.  But, that's a whole can of worms that I'm not getting into. 

I am easily distracted. I work on things for only so long before something takes me away. I need to start eliminating distractions. I'm not really going to get anywhere if I don't. I think that's what I'm going to focus on this week. 

Today has honestly been a bad day. I don't have much more that I'm going to go into. The job is kind of a bust unless I take it on as a second job and cut out any free time I could have at all. But, I have faith that I can turn this all around.  We'll see.

[T1r1on]

People are wierd. I've seen and heard some stuff that just blows my mind as to how they lack a basic sense of how thinga work. When has it ever been ok to steal? We all know that's not right inherently, and there are a few cases where it's understandable. But, to just say I didn't know is ridiculous. This is really bad in our court systems. If a burglar falls on a knife in your house while he's stealing your stuff he can sue you, and win. That's outrageous, where did our morals go? It's one thing to not know how an engine works, but it's another thing lack common sense. 

I wrote alot of things down today. Ot was mostly things I want and have to do. But there were some good ideas. And I did a little brain storming. I like getting to write down things that interest me. Most of the time I'm too busy. 

I decided to eliminate distractions today. I know there are more, but I figured I would let them show up so I know what to get rid of, at least for the time being. I'm going to have to figure out how to work some into positive positions. Like how I listen to PD and motivation stuff. It's kind of funny how I can motivate to do nothing (lol).

[T1r1on]

The elimination pf distractions has been a success. I made some rules for cell phone use and unplugged the tv. That's really all it took. Then I got bored. So I went for a walk and took pictures. I've been wanting. To do it for a while, but I haven't. The only problem is it got dark.

I'm going to keep this one short. Their about to do maintenance. 

[T1r1on]

I watched some motivational stuff on youtube while I was working today. I heard this awsome quote that really motivated the shit out of me. So when I got home I made a bracelet. I took a dog tag and pounded it until it bowled and drilled out a second hole. Then I ran some lether and bound it with split rings. I sanded and sined the metal to 4000 grit. Then I wrote the quote on it in sharpie. I'll engrave it when I have more time, but this works for now.

The quote was about the path of maturity. How you start out as a camel. This represents your early developmental stages in life. Society dumps a whole bunch of crap on you to carry around. The expectations of society is a dragon named Thou Salt. And on the journey you have to slay this dragon. There is really only two choices; become a sheep and be its slave, or become a lion and rip its throat out.  The sheep are the ones who are terifyed of getting hurt by the dragon. They are usually the first ones to criticize you on owning your life. The part I wrote down was this: Lions do not concern themselves with the opinions of sheep. So it's a constant reminder to not give into the opinions of others, and to carve my own path in my life. It also gives a ton of motivation. 

I heard a thing somewhere about how living your passion and fulfilling your dreams affects others. It's one of those things that sits right in front of your face, but you never notice it. When you talk to someone who is you get a hit of their passion and your body tells you. You feel the emotion and drive behind them. I think this is your subconscious telling you something. But, you don't listen and drift back to autopilot. Thos lead me to a quite profound idea. You can have all the motivation in the world, but the only way it's going to do you any good is if you use it. I've noticed this in myself lately. I can get all riled up and do nothing at all. If I focused the wave of energy at something I could move mountains, but instead I move closer to the tv or whatever I'm distracting myself with. Now that o see it for what it is I can change it. 

This leads to anther thing I've been doing. I decided that I am going to start writing down what I want. I know thay I really don't know what I want, but it gives me little insights into what I should be doing (for me). I'm up to 79 things now. It's starting to get hard, but that's where the good stuff (deep desires) starts coming in.

Edited April 16, 2016 by T1r1on

[T1r1on]

I don't understand why, when I'm about to do something important, people show up out of the blue. Yesterday I was going to work on my youtube channel,  and today I was hoping that I might get to record. That went nothing like I wanted. I guess this is the difference between planning and strategising. I didn't figure in people showing up out of nowhere, and I never came up with what to do in this event.  I did manage to do a little however.  

Eliminating distractions was the best idea I've had yet. I have nothing to do but get stuff handled. Now all I need to do is strategise to get me on point.

I heard someone talking about goals and he said acomplish even the little ones. Some times you have to throw the stick down just to jump over it. This got me to thinking about the little goals I have had that I always push off to the side. So I decided to write them down and and start accomplishing them. If nothing else they will give me motivation. 

I have been listening to all kinds of motivational speeches and videos lately. The other day I got so worked up to go get shit done it got hard to breath (lol). But, I was stuck at my 8 to 5 and I just keap sighing. I had all that drive to do something about my situation, but I was stuck at my shitty job. I've been thinking of just quitting and dedicating all my time to the things that I want to do, but I can't just leave yet. It's like having a hungry lion on leash and trying to keep it from taking down a gazelle. I don't know how much longer I can keep holding myself back. A change of senery might help, but it's not going to last. I just have to start knocking shit out and grab life by the balls, so to speak.

[T1r1on]

I decided to read and draw today. I read Rock Your Network Marketing Business by Sara Robbins.  It's pretty good. She goes into quite a bit of stuff. I made it about half way through and then we ate. I drew after that. I'll put a picture of it below. It's me. I needed a cool picture for my youtube channel.  

The other day I had an idea to make quote pictures and hang them on my walls. That little thought sprouted into another one. I'm not going into that one yet though. I still need to do some strategising.

I've been see a stark contrast in how I see things and how my family sees things. They worry about all kinds of stuff. And the sad part is that they caused alot of it. I want to mave out, but I lack money right now. I am working to rectify that problem however.

[T1r1on]

I'm watching a 5 hour seminar by Jim Rohn. It's pretty good so far. I've gotten a few little gold nuggets. I also started making some of those quotes to hang up. I'll finish them up tomorrow. 

I have noticed a shift in my thinking. I'm more optimistic about my life. I feel pretty good. I cut out distractions, and now I'm focusing on the things that I want to do, and I'm aligning with my my strategies. 

I've found that I quite like the silence that I now have. I unplugged the tv so I can't have background noise, I'm getting alot less advertising as well. All I really need to do is limit my exposure to the negative people around me, and I'll be sitting in a pretty good position.

[T1r1on]

I'm almost finished with that seminar.  I've gotten quite a few good lessons out of it. I can't wait to see the last part. I have a good feeling about it.

I worked on a few of those quotes today. I did a couple from bruce lee, and one from a motivational video I watched. I did the be like water quote, 10,000 kicks, and the last one is be like a lion. All I have to do is print them off and hang them. I'll get some frames when I have a little money. 

My sister found a passion. Usually she dabbles, so I gave her some advice and got her really thinking on it. Then I've been dropping some little nuggets in here and there. Hopefully she catches on, but if she doesn't I will tey to be more direct. This idea is too good for her to let fall away. Plus if she gets it going she'll have alot of people that keep her accountable.

[T1r1on]

Yesterday was a mess. It statted with me waking up late then snowballed into me crashing. Everyone was at eachothers throats and I wasn't feeling well. I think I got heat sickness, bit I'm not sure. I feel fine today. 

My sister suprised me today.  She's really focised on making this idea a reality. She already has 80 people on board with it to boot. Now she has to do it, she has no reason not to. I'll be helping herbalong the way like a little personal development angel whispering in her ear (lol). But seriously shes getting serious (lol). 

I finished that seminar last night. It was really good. I learned a ton of thing from it. I'll be watching bthatbone again down the road. I can't wait to see where it takes me.

I see some of the posts here and it seems like people are chasing enlightenment to the point that it becomes an excuse. Why do that when an enlightened person doesn't need it. Your not enlightened and honestly there's no guarantee that you will be, so why treat yourself like you are befor you are? It's quite silly when you look at it for what it is. I get that it's important,  but I'm not putting it at the top my list.  

I have other things I want to do like master my skills, and learn a ton of stuff. I want actualize then enlighten. It feels right to do it that way.  So far as meditation goes I do it for the sake of meditation.  There is no end goal it's just nice to do. I am seeing benefits from it now. So it's like a healthy hobby. :)

Edited April 23, 2016 by T1r1on

[T1r1on]

I am wore out. I do tons of heavy lifting at work, then I come home, learn a bunch of stuff, and work on goals. To top it off I've been helping my sister with a whole bunch of stuff, and I am beat. So, I'm taking a day off. I'm going to do stuff that I've been putting on the back burner. Like read a book about Da Vinci and meditate a few times. I'm definitely sleeping in. I haven't been sleeping well. I might go out to the gun range and run a few rounds through my AR. I could draw all day too. Oooo, I haven't played my guitar in forever. I'm not sure, but I'll do something semi-productive. 

Did you know that there is an entire chanel on youtube dedicated solely to LOA. Every one of the videos is about it. It's kind of funny to me. LOA only works if you take action. Everyone can argue back an forth about the semantics of thought and action,  but in reality nothing happens until you do somthing in the outer world. 

 Have you noticed the characteristics of a shadow. It's quite interesting.  If you take your fingers and slowly move them together the shadow touches fingers before you do. Also if you closely at the break between your finger and, say a wall. There is a strange transparent field around your body. And if you look enough times things in the background of this field get slightly brighter. It could be eyes playing tricks on me from starring too long, but nevertheless it's quiye fascinating.

[T1r1on]

Well I did what I said I would. I didn't worry about doing all the other stuff and took a small break. I helped my brother in law look for stuff to make a forge and my sister asked me to draw somthing for her. I've been throwing subtle hints of PD at them both and it seems to be working. I drew a little and meditated this morning. We all live together, so by helping them that sets us all up for big gains in the future. I explained to my sister how goal setting works and talked about mastery with her husband. In all I would have to say that for doing nothing all day I still accomplished something.  And I learned one of those valuable life lessons. 

I discovered that helping people with their dreams and aspirations gives me a good hit of fullfilment. That may be one of those clues to my life purpose. I already had an idea of it, but today made it clear. Accidental PD for the win.

[T1r1on]

I helped my brother in law gather some more metal and cut up some old fire extinguishers today. He's almost ready to start smithing. All he needs to do is weld some stuff up and get coal. Then he'll start making stuff and once he gets good enough it should start paying for itself. I got him all bought into mastery. I don't think he'll give it up.

I noticed something looking back at recent events. My sister wanted to start a larp group, her husband wanted to start blacksmithing. They've talked about these things for a while, but never planned to do them. Then I started doing the online business and making my youtube channel. I think my drive rubbed off on them. Now they're taking on there ambitions. My sister out right told me that's why she decided to start her thing. That gives me an awsome feeling. And, helping them start their things gives me alot of fullfilment. I'm really seeing a huge hint from life here.

I hate spring....and summer...............and fall. I have severe allergies and I take some high end medicine for it, but on days like today where the polon was ridiculous,  it didn't work. Now I have a raw nose and a sinus headache plus chest congestion. It's not a pleasant mix. I sneezed so hard all day random pressure points would shoot pain. The crease in my left arm is the worst. With my sinuses all messed up it throws off my balance too. I joke about buying tampons to shove up my nose, but I'm actually serious. It does alot better than tissue lol.

Tomorrow I'm going to write up some scripts and make my set. Or well, my background for the green screen.  I think I'm going to change them to fit the the topics better,  but I'll still need a default for the off hand stuff and little extra things. After I get up and running smooth I'll invest time into an intro. I'm going to make it adaptable so I can add different kinds of music to it, which I make as well. I've always been a make it myself kind of guy and I like learning so it kind of goes hand in hand. Don't get me wrong I still buy stuff out right, but on the things that matter I like to do it myself. How many people do you know who can say they made their own guitars? I like to think I'm following in the footsteps of Leonardo Da Vinci, but I still have a long way to go to be that kind of guy.