Me Some What Censored, Mostly Uncut

[T1r1on]

Today was ok. My boss sent me and his son to his house to do some lawn work. I got a sun burn. After I got home I played a game for a little bit. I was waiting for dinner to get done. I seem to be procrastinating on some things. But, boy am happy I did this time.

I watched leos new video about being a strategic mother fucker. This gave me so much insight as to why I haven't achieved the things I want. When you combine that with knowing what you want and why, it gets realy powerful. The next few weeks or months are going to be full of me applying this to my life. I've been feeling like I'm blindly doing personal development with no real goal in place. That's another thing I'll be changing. I have never really set goals for myself. These are the most important things I can do right now, so I'm committing to changing them.

Alot of my thoughts have been about my youtube channel. I keep thinking about how I will really get to express myself, no holding back. This gives me a huge boost in my mood when I think about it. I don't get to be me all the time. I have to hold back so people don't think I'm crazy. Really being the raw unedited me is something that I have always wanted. Maybe, by holding back, I have sent the wrong message to people, and this is why they think I'm crazy. I won't know until I do it.

[T1r1on]

Today was another ok day. I worked at my bosses house again, and got more sunburned plus some wind buurn. I came home and took a shower, then ate and went to Walmart to pick some groceries. When I got home I sat down to start reading and fell asleep. So not a very productive day.  But, I did keep in mind about being more stratigic. And I had a really good conversation with the guy I was working with.

I have to start at square one for my plans. I realy don't know what I'm doing. So, I have to figure that out. Leo's life purpose course is a good start, but I'm going to need to find more sources and become super informed about the whole subject. Woo-Hoo reaserch (literally). 

Our conversation kind of went all over the place.  We talked about personal development and the state of the country and our religious beliefs, and so on. It helped make the day go by faster. Honestly, I would rather work on his lawn than be stuck doing nothing at the shop. Only because it was just me and the other guy.  Maybe there is a clue in here somewhere.

[T1r1on]

Today went quite well. I got up fairly early. And then I went and got the stuff to make the green screen thing. It rols it up for me. It's a very make shift device, but it's functional. I got that logo all the way finished, and my website only lacks 1 page now. After that it's all marketing. 

I made it through the concepts of the LPC today. Now I'm digging into the meat of the course. My note book is starting to fill up rather quickly. I'll probably use another one for the actual process. 

I am wore out today. Between the working, and learning I've exausted myself. I'm actually having a hard time keeping my eyes open right now.meditation is going to be difficult tonight. 

Tomorrow I'll probably be working out at my bosses house again. So, I'll be getting a worse sun burn. After work I'll I'll do some more on the website, and work on the LPC. As soon as I wrap up the site I'll move on to the chanel.

[T1r1on]

Today was good. Work went fine. When I got home I busted out some things I needed to do. The website is up and running. I'll be adding additional content periodically.  The green screen thing is functional, shoty, but functional. And, I got down the first part of the values section of the LPC. Getting them was somewhat difficult. 

I have been applying the stratigic planning. I'm spotty with it, but practice makes perfect. It helps keep me from doing pointless things like playing a video game at the wrong time. 

I have ran out of concepts to get me going in the morning. So, I have decided to listen to motivational speeches to start off my day. I think this will work better anyway. Getting that kind of boost right off the bat may just start pushing me in the right direction. Or at least make it to work without driving into the sunrise (lol). 

The kid I work with is starting to get into PD. I've been talking to him about some of the concepts I have learned, and he gets really interested. So, I told him about actualized.org and he might just check it out. I'm not totally sure, but hey if my little bit of influence helps him start that'll make me feel amazing.

[T1r1on]

I'm sick. I don't know what I have, but it sucks. I'm not going to get into symptoms. But, I still went to work and have actualy been fairly productive. My morning started early, then I went back to sleep for an hour. After I woke back up, I listened to a motivational speech, this got me going. Then periodically throughout the day I have listened to more. Now that I'm home I've nocked out the next piece of the LPC, and I am writing this early.  After I eat I will meditate. I've been pretty run down the past few days, and I've been crashing during meditation. After that I will set up my lighting for the chanel,  and that's what I'll be focusing on for a good chunk of time.

Listening to the motivational stuff has gotten me to start thinking more out of the box. I feel fearless.  I might even do something drastic soon. This feeling has been building the past few weeks, and the motivation stuff just put fire to the coals.

I've decided that I want to try a deprivation tank. I have no clue where to start, but I'm not going let this little aspiration go. I'll do some research, I haven't had a chance to yet honestly. 

Hopefully I get over this crap soon. Wait "hope" is a for people that never do what they want in life. Faith is for people who are going to achieve greatness. I have faith that this will pass soon. Sometimes your outlook can make a huge difference.

[T1r1on]

Today went ok. Work was work, with a dash of drama today. The people at home are butting heads,  but they do it subtle and passive agressively. So I'm stuck in between that crap. But, I haven't let anything get to me today. I had a healthy dinner, and then worked on the LPC the rest of the night. I'm going to make this a short post, I still need to meditate and it's almost midnight here. I'll talk some more about today, tomorrow. 

[T1r1on]

Yesterday I made it about half way through the values pary of the LPC. I learned a lot about my self. Nothing really notable happened other than that.

Today I slacked off. I played a game for a while then I went over to my buddies to have a bbq. I just got back at 9. I was going to start recording on the chanel, but I was being lazy, and the bbq started at 4. I'll work on the LPC and meditate after I finish this. I'll try to do some recording tomorrow.

[T1r1on]

Today sucked. I had to stay late to help cut some wood and it took 2 hours. So, I didn't have time to do anything really. By the time I ate and took a shower it was 8. I did the LPC though.  I'm almost done with the values section. My boss said he would let me off early tomorrow, so I'll work on the chanel then.

I haven't been talking about anything the past few days. So, I'll mention some of things I've been doing and some thoughts. 

I've been listening to motivational vieos every morning for the past few days. They help get me up and going. I found a new guided meditation which really works. It's by Allan Watts. I think that's how it's spelled. He explains everything really clear, and I actually get what he means.

I've been thinking about a quote the past few days. You can't judge a fish by its ability to climb. I feel like the fish at my job. I'm not a mechanic, I'm an artist amongst other things. But, I'm stuck there until I can start bringing in money some other way. And, looking for a new job is not going to work. There isn't much left in this dried up little town. 

I've also been thinking about how simple things are. I already know how to treat myself, so why don't I? Eat healthy,  exercise,  meditate,  and do what makes me happy.  Those aren't that hard to figure out or do. So, why is everything all backwards? 

The last thought that has been prevalent is Bruce Lee's quote. I do not fear the man that has practiced 10000 kicks. I fear the man that has practiced 1 kick 10000 times. I guess my thoughts are telling me it's time to pick something to master. I'll be doing that in the LPC, so nice timing thoughts.

[T1r1on]

Today was ok. It was skow at work, but I got off a little early. My boss decided to spread the 2 hours across the week. I wrote a script today, so that's good. Tomorrow I'll do some recording, or practice.  I've never filmed myself. I'm almost done with the values part of the LPC. All that's left for today is to meditate. 

I've been thinking about my meditation process throughout the day.  It just slips in my head from timr to time. It makes me aware of my breathing and I just listen to whatever my ears want to hear. The downside is that country music seems to be the only thing they want to hear (lol). 

I've been thinking about the internet world vs the real world. I want this channel I'm doing to go past just the internet. I want it to affect reality tangibly. But, I don't know how yet. I'll figure it our eventually.  Chances arw that it'll be something obvious,  and I'll be lik why didn't I think of that sooner.

[T1r1on]

Not much happened today. I played a video game for a little while. Then I worked on my youtube channel. No huge thoughts except for ideas on the channel. I am going to meditate after I finish this then it's off to bed.

[T1r1on]

Today was odd.  It was a slow day, but it moved by quite quickly. It kind of feels like a blur. I thought about a lot of stuff. Things like the direction of humanity, and the fact that we're all on a giant bio space ship. And, how there's an infinite amount of space in any direction I go. At fist I kind of felt scared, but now that I have mowed it over more, I feel comfortable with it. Couple that my frequent thoughts about how god thinks, and then trying to understand myself. It's alot to take in. Now that I'm comfortable with the space thing, it kind of puts this wierd motivation in me. Universe juice, lol.

I am 1 video away from finishing the values section of the LPC. I'll refine them a few times after I finsh the section, just to make sure I have it right. I don't want a half-assed list. It's kind of important.

Meditation has been kind of meh the past few weeks. Maybe it's from doing too many guided meditations. The past couple nights I've been doing my own thing like I used to. I just wish I had more time in the day to do more things I want to.

I've thought alot about money and my financial situation lately. I bust my ass to make crap money for what? A car, a house, food, random crap that I don't need any way. It's all just stuff. Why do we put so much stock in junk? The things that realy make us happy and fulfilled can't be bought, so why do we feel the need to work towards something so pointless?

This has lead me to the thought of just outright quitting and doing what I want to do. If I don't make any money then so be it. I've come to see this game for what it is, and it's stupid. I'm tired of selling myself to someone who realy doesn't give two shits about my wellbeing. It's not worth it. 

I'm going to end this here. I still have to meditate.

[T1r1on]

Today went good. It was just me in the shop so I listened to alot of motivational and PD stuff. It made the day go by quickly and got me to thinking about things on  a fundamental level. 

First was money. Honestly, I've never really liked the concept. It holds people back and keeps them locked in a loop. So, what else could we use? It kind of seems daunting when you really start to think about it. It's not like we can automate everything, and every one start contributing to society. We could but eveyone would have to agree in unisen. It's more of a lofty idea that probably won't happen in our lifetime. 

The next one was about earth and how we relate to it. There os a giant whole in the ozone, and many other ridiculous things that we have caused. Now the next generations are going to have to deal with it. Unless we start fixing it now. People say that there is scarcity on energy, but that couldn't be further from the truth. We have way better ways to convert energy than fossil fules and nuclear reactors. But, we seem to be stuck in a capital loop that is preventing us from moving forward.

The last thougt is kind of a combination of the two. Capitalism and most other governments are foundationaly flawed. When you put one or a few people in charge it always goes south. This has been shown throughout history. But, it doesn't work. And why are we still using a money system that hasn't realy changed in thousands of years? Fundamentaly it's the exact same as it's always been.

To me it seems socialy we aren't near as developed as we should be. We're still woried about how everything affects us. We don't realy see past our fingertips. Almost everyone lives for themselves, and never thinks about how their actions will affect future generations, or even the people around them. This isn't me bitching, or trying to force my opinion onto others, it's mearly an observation. Actualizing is the first step to solving these problems, but there needs to be far more people setting themselves on this path for anything to really change.

[T1r1on]

Hmm. I seem to always start these the same way. Lets spice it up a little. On this day I rode a dragon to the mountains of Isendor where I slayed a most fowl fiend. The beast reaked of marmalade and elderberries. (Lol)

Lately I've noticed that I'm taking shit way too serious. This is an adventure, that means it's long, arduous, full of peril, and supposed to be the most amazing thing that I could ever do. So, why be super serious all the time? I'll miss the good things in life doing that.

I do have a small complaint. It has something to do with the seriousness I just mentioned.  It could just be in my head, but when people ask for advice here they seem to get blasted with a whole bunch of enlightenment concepts. It gets a little ridiculous. For example,  a kid who's like 16 asks how to get up on time and deal with some self esteem issues. He's only 16 how "enlightened" do you think he is? He's just barely starting to see the ball of shit heading his way, and is noticing that no one realy told him the stuff he needed to know. Now he's having people dance around his question and try to indoctrinate him into their ideas. They get so wrapped up in chasing a concept that they can't answer a simple question with a simple answer. It's kind of like watching macho guys fight over who has the biggest muscles, but with people who have no idea what muscles are. Don't get me wrong. I want to become enlightened one day too, but having people beat me over the head with it gets really fucking old. It almost seems like a cult in some cases. That's it, there is my complaint. I doubt anyone really reads anthing I post here anymore anyway, so it's just my little personal feeling. 

Back to the fun stuff. I have noticed that I'm quite the optimist. I really try to see the best parts of things. I tend to get stuck in crappy situations, but that never really changes my outlook an things. To top it off I'm a pretty laid back dude. I don't let too much shit get to me. Sometimes it may seem that way, but I just tell it the best I can without sugar coating too much. I aproach thing with a neutral additude and let others fill in the gaps themselves. 

It seems like anyone you talk to has a sob story. I don't. Everything was pretty good for me growing up. I got the education the government requires. My parents never abused me. I haven't been raped. I got to do cool things and see new places and meet tons of people. Sure my parents broke up, but it just showed the best exaples of what not to do. I am a little bit of an outcast in my family though. But, I developed different than the rest of them. Sure most of my family didn't help us when we were at our lowest points, but I gained the greatest leeson yet from those experiences. I learned that no matter how shitty life and the people I trust get, I can always turn a shitty situation into a great one. 

I seem to have a strange gift. I don't know if there is any reaserch or anything on this, but I get better at some things without practice. For example, the past 3 years I really haven't drawn much. The job I was at was starting to give me carpal tunnel, so when I would draw my hand into my forearm would go painfully numb. After I got laid off, I had some time on unemployment to let it heal. When I finally started to draw again I was alot better than I was when I stopped. I have a theory as to why this happens, but I need to test it somehow.

[T1r1on]

Lately I've been thinking about the limits of my capabilities. I've come to the conclusion that there are none. The real problem is breaking through mental walls. This lead me to think that perhaps subconsciously I knew this, and that's why I started getting into PD or self help. I've always kind of done PD. But, now it's in overdrive, and I love every moment of doing it. So, I think I'm going to start incorporating it into everything I do. This will help me get more out of PD and make things more enjoyable. 

As for today, I got some cleaning done, and finished the values part of the LPC. I'm going to do a second pass to refine them. I feel like I could do better. But, it is an ongoing process. I also did some meditating. I am still going to meditate tonight, I like stacking it up. 

I've come to a wall. I like watching cool movies and playing video games, but it seems to get in the way other things. But, I don't watch them just to watch or play. It gives me cool ideas and inspiration. The draw back is I do it enogh to stop me from making a comic, or anything else. So, I think I'll severely limit how much I do, so I can actually do the things that I want do.

That quote about judging a fish by its ability to climb a tree has been stuck in my head for a while now. So, I started thinking about what my ability is. I have many, so what's the key one. I've been boiling it down. I've come to: my ability is, learning at an irregularly fast pace, seeing things from an amazingly huge scope, expressing myself in the things that I create, giving clear advice to people when they need it. The last one kind of hurts though. I can give amazing advice,  but most of the time people don't use it. I still need more refining, but these are huge insights into my psychology. If I boil these down into one word I can call them strengths, but I want to go deeper. I want to ring that bell in my soul, so to speak. It's realy quite fun to do. You learn about yourself, and find some cool paths that you could follow. For example,  I could take the advice one and become psychologist. I would probably get alot of satisfaction out of that too. But I want the ultimate one. The funny thing is it's probably sitting right in front of my face. Lol

[T1r1on]

I've been pondering the state of humans as a whole today. Honestly, it's kind of sad what state we're in. We could be doing so much better,  but we're all distracted and mislead. Where's the energy revolution that people were going on about? What happened to philosophers and poets? Why is the only place I go to meet people a crappy bar? What happened to community? 

I'm getting really tired of doing the same mundane bull shit every day. Go to work, go home, shower, eat, do what I want for a couple hours. Day in and day out, I'm not getting anywhere. It's really getting frustrating. To top it off it seems like everyone wants a piece of the nothing that I get. How did I get to this point? 

I did the strengths section of the LPC today. It was quick. I've actually the test a few times. Every time it changes a little. But the top 2 always stay the same. I think I'm going to do some hardcore digging to find a something that lets me be creative and curious all the time.

[T1r1on]

I wonder how much PD stuff people really take to heart. I know I don't take it all in. Sometimes I binge watch too. I'm sure we all know to take everything with a grain of salt. But still I wonder how much people really get.

I got draw today! I haven't done that in a while. I miss it honestly. I get busy doing other stuff and the things I love doing get put on the back burner. I need to change this, but there's alot that I want to change. I just have to better position myself to do what I want when I want to. 

I find it a little funny when people say be in the present moment. That's all life really is. One giant now. It puts a whole new meaning to no time like the present. Realy once you wrap your head around it, you change anything at a moments notice. For example, I'm droning on doing the same shit everday, and at one moment I can decided to just ceap driving right past work and go start somthing big. All it really takes is a little push to set forth a giant ripple. Just knowing this gives me some motivation to do something cool, right now, all the time. It's been one of those recurring thoughts lately. It makes me want to just quit my job and go do something amazing, but alas I have put myself in a shitty situation. 

How hard is it realy to make a hundred dollars a day? It really doesn't seem like too much to aim for. I could help someone do something a few times a day and get that. What if I boil it down even more say 20$ an hour? 5 hours and boom I've got my goal. Surely there is something I can do for that. Maybe, my problem is that I put for the effort to even try. This may be going somewhere.  I think I'll mow it over some more and write it down. Now I'm curious, and that's where good things generally start.

[T1r1on]

Yesterday was hard. I had to cut trees up and load up the logs. I got a pretty mean sunburn. Anyway after I got home and took a shower I sat down to work on the LPC and crashed. I haven't been sleeping to well as of late either. So, that's why I didn't post yesterday, I was asleep.

[T1r1on]

I kind of feel like I'm splitting in two. I have one side of me pulling toward PD. And then the other side pulling me tward doing other stuff like playing games or resting. Maybe something isn't right and I'm trying to myself, but I don't realize that I'm telling myself anything. Maybe I'm over worked and more tired than I think. I know my body's wore out, I didn't think it would go to my head.

It baffles me how people can be assholes, just for the sake of being an asshole, and it's ok. But, when I'm kind or generous, I'm a fucking wierdo. Where did this mantality come from? Why would anyone think that it's acceptable? 

I have a slight problem. It's kind of a problem with athority. When someone tells me I'm going to do something or they try to force me into doing something for there own selfish reasons, I get the urge to...... anyway I'm not going into that. It gets bad. I guess my real issue is with someone imposing ther will on me. Trying to make me how they want. It's hard to explain. It's kind of like they treaten me with something that that I don't care about. For example, if someone told me you're going to this or you'll lose your job. I would tell them exactly where they could put that job, and probably scare the ever loving shit out of them. 

I need to make some changes in my life. I just don't know where to start. I guess that's just part of the battle. I think I need to sit down and take a good hard look at what I need to do, and start systematically knocking things out, kind of like chess.

[T1r1on]

I learned something interesting. When I listen to the natural ring in my ears I can hear more around me. I noticed birds chirping outside my room, and other subtle sounds that I don't normally hear. It's quite fun to just see how much I miss.

I am spent. I have so little energy right now. I've just been going on and on. I think I'm going to bed early tonight. Maybe some extra sleep will help me get back to running on all cylinders.

I'm going to try to record tomorrow or Sunday. That'll be fun. I just have a few things I have to do to get everything up and running. I'll record a few episodes and then start posting them after I build a website to go with the chanel. It's going to need one to work how I want it to. 

I've been listening to a guy named Allan Watts. I like how he explains things. I get what he's saying. He exaggerates, but that's to get the message across. And he's funny which makes his videos easier to listen to.

[T1r1on]

Yesterday and today were crazy. I got off early and got alot handled.  Then a friend asked me to come over and help him with some stuff. I finally left at 1 am and crashed when I got home. 

Today I had friend show up out of the blue, and we played some table top rpg. That ate up about 3 hours. I worked on my set some then another friend showed up. He finally left at about 8. I decided today was burnt so I watched a show. 

I got to be creative today. I like coming up with giant stories for these rpgs. I've been drawing all of the characters that the people I play with think up. It's really fun getting into their head and drawing what they imagine. I've been thinking of writing a book or something. Try my hand at it and see where it goes.  Now that I think about back in school I really enjoyed the free writing exercises.