I feel like I can't relate to people my age after doing self development work

[hamedsf]

the text was so long, so I stick with the header question:

you should keep the balance when doing the work. I mean if you are extreme at both sides of spectrum: being highly introvert and being highly extrovert are both not moderation and you should have an eye on balancing out your state. spiritual practices and self-development should make you great at communication. I mean I don't say that you should make everyone your friend but it's important to have the best conversation even it's for 5 minutes with a stranger, if not something should be regulated.

[JosephKnecht]

15 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Romantically, that's another story. I feel that getting into a romantic/ intimate relationship with someone much older than you at a young age isn't always the best idea because of the power dynamic involved developmentally which can lead to unhealthy or even abusive situations in some cases.

On average, girls are more mature mentally than the guys of their age. That is why girls topically date guys that are older than them. There are deep biological reasons for this, but I will not elaborate on the details here.

 

15 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Also in regards to the ego, I can see how it's relevant because it's like if you are looking to relate to people, it still means you identify with something. But, isn't curating healthy and higher consciousness relationships also incredibly beneficial?

Having friendship is beneficial, absolutely. We are social animals and we need the company of others. So try to find people that you can resonate with, people that have common ideals and goals. Those are the type of people that will understand you, and you will understand them. 

My last comment was for those who seek enlightenment. If it was not relevant for you, then it was relevant to someone else who was reading this thread.  

[soos_mite_ah]

@JosephKnecht

In regards to dating older guys, I can't say I 100% agree but I respect this perspective nonetheless. 

As far as the ego and enlightenment, thank you for clearing that up. I was a little confused so its no big deal. I guess it depends where you are in your development/ stage and what you will see as a need/ aid to your growth. Different things work for different people depending on your internal or external environment.

[danniviemaria]

@soos_mite_ah
I don’t want to debunk anything.

Just wonder that how do you think about Growth? 

You made me to contemplate a lot.

[bejapuskas]

@soos_mite_ah  Hey, I think I can relate.

Perhaps what could help is to stop focusing on others, but on yourself. What feels good for you, what feels bad for you. Then you just follow the good feeling. Perhaps one on one conversations (be it in a proffesor's office or a café, doesn't matter almost at all) resonate with good feeling, and huge parties with meaningless group chats resonate with bad feeling. 

I guess you might not have as much life experience as someone older than you, but by trying different things and seeing what works for you, you will estabilish good values that you can trust almost always and also gain more life experiences, as you're gonna weed out the unfulfilling things and trying new, interesting things that you can do.

Also, try not to limit your social circles to your school or some other institution, that can seriously limit you. Perhaps look up some interesting events in a nearby city and go there, since you will have a much higher chance of meeting someone you resonate with. If you don't have social anxiety and low self-esteem, it should be easy to chat them up. For example I love learning languages, so at the age of 14, I used to go to speeches of professors to the department of Asian studies in my city about the Chinese and Japanese culture and language, and I met amazing friends there, most of them older in age. I get it can be harder as a girl, since people will want to date you, but still, you can reject them if you don't feel like it, or start a relationship, if you think it is a good idea. 

Don't limit yourself to spirituality, often highly developed people have a passion or a life purpose, that they are working on, so you might not even think they are worth talking to, if you don't consider this about them.

Good luck.

[soos_mite_ah]

@bejapuskas I agree. Lately I've been trying to do somewhat of an emotional "temperature check" to see what resonates and feels authentic. I figured that it's a better alternative to doing something or being someone I'm not just to fit in (since that would turn the attention towards them when really I need to take my needs into consideration). I have a couple friends in my city, neither of whom go to my school. I've been meaning to get involved more in my community outside of college but last semester my course load was rather heavy and then the pandemic happened so I mean I gotta consider those things first. Relationships are nice but I wouldn't say they are super urgent, yet it is still something that is in the back of my mind. 

Also, yeah I don't think limiting oneself to spirituality is the answer either, but I guess that depends on where you are on your journey and what you need according to that as it is mentioned earlier in this thread.

[soos_mite_ah]

Correct me if I'm wrong but could completely isolating oneself  for the sake of enlightenment create a large spiritual ego if done prematurely? Like I get some people may be in the position to fully deconstruct the ego, but for people who aren't at that place yet and who still have other work to do, could it be counter productive? I'm just curious and I'm piecing together/ thinking through other responses on here. Just something to think about or consider. 

[bejapuskas]

@soos_mite_ah  You can learn a lot from both socializing and solitude. Just follow the thing that feels right, don't force anything.

[pdude]

@soos_mite_ah I 20yo too and will share my thought. Because I'm not a girl my social "challenges" is different. I was working mostly in only men environment and seen mature and self-developed people who is only few years older than me, have a goals in life, do not waste time on some shit. So called "climbers". Not only in career but in education, their own business or just in everyday life.

On the other hand, I've seen men in their early or even mid thirties who is just piss their life off. They are working in the same petty jobs very long time and have no perspective, no interests and killing their health.

Personally, I have friends that only older than me but! the most mature and smart is 22yo guy.

In any case, your biological age is not so big denominator. Especially, in our times when easier to become who you want to be. When you visit many places and meet many people you become more comfortable with this "age" thing. Just take it easy.

Oh and I want to give you another perspective of "dating with older man".

 

Lately my 27yo old friend fall for 18yo girl from his work. So he started to aquaint with her. The even go date several times. Everything was going smoothly until she asked him about his age and then "eewww you so old hehehe". Then she teased him and eventually they broked. What the matter? I know him as decent guy and sure that he did not have "dirty" intentions. And now you talking about this here. I just don't understand such thing.

[JosephKnecht]

22 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Correct me if I'm wrong but could completely isolating oneself  for the sake of enlightenment create a large spiritual ego if done prematurely?

Yes, If you force isolation on yourself when you are not ready could result in ego backlash. Take your time to evolve, but make sure you are evolving and no devolving. 

 

1 hour ago, pdude said:

What the matter? I know him as decent guy and sure that he did not have "dirty" intentions. And now you talking about this here. I just don't understand such thing.

@pdude Age is just a number. At some point, we realize that its the maturity that matters more than the age. 

[soos_mite_ah]

@JosephKnecht @pdude I defiantly agree, ultimately it comes down to maturity. But what I'm trying to say is that maturity isn't the only factor that is at play here. It also comes down to where you are at your life. Let me explain with a couple examples so it makes more sense. 

When I was in high school, my friends and I were surrounded by college guys (we had a program at our high school where we could get dual credit through taking college classes so that we can graduate with a two year degree along with a high school diploma). When we were 15/16 years old, a lot of my friends had crushes on the college guys who were around us (they were around 18-20 ish). These girls were like "oh damn he has an idea of what he wants to do and have an actual conversation." And don't get me wrong, these girls were also mature for their age, and definitely more mature than the guys in my grade who still would lose their shit over fart jokes. But fast forward a few years when we are all 18/19 years old, we look back at these guys like, *ok that wasn't super impressive because it is normal to have some idea as to what you want to do at that age, that's the bare minimum, its not something to romanticize and put on a pedestal* But it's like, they were putting these guys on a pedestal because they weren't sure on what they wanted to do with their lives yet compared to these guys. And to an extent that's normal when you're 15 and are still at the stage where you are learning about yourself so it's not like they were in the wrong. They were doing what they're supposed to do and that's fine. But there was still a power differential because of age gap which does have to do with your life stage often time.

I found myself into a similar situation last year. I decided it *f- it I'm going to date an older guy what can possibly go wrong* I was 19 and I dated a guy who was 23. It's not a crazy age difference, I mean it was only 4 years. Maturity wise, I'd say I clicked with him better than any guy i tried to message on tinder who was my age whose idea of dating was sending a "u up" text at 3 in the morning. I would go as far to say that it was probably one of the best dating experiences I have had. He was a great guy and I will agree that age isn't inherently a red flag, but it can come with a warning label. I doubt there was any malicious intent, he was extremely respectful and didn't play any games, but it's like I couldn't relate to where he was in his life. He had a whole career, had his car paid off, was completely financially independent etc. I was a college student who just finished her freshman year and who eats pizza rolls because I procrastinated on a paper and didn't have time to go to the dining hall. I still have yet to secure a steady job and a career because I am still exploring my options as a college student. There is nothing wrong with that, each of us are just doing what's normal for our stage of life.  After the 3rd date, it felt as though we ran out of things to talk about since we were in different places as far as life experiences went. I simply told him that I wasn't feeling and we both respectfully moved on.  Maturity wise it was fine, the difference was at our life stages, which can lead to an imbalanced power dynamic. I didn't stick around that long to get caught up in that type of thing because I didn't want to take a chance. You don't always have to have malicious intent to get into a situation that could turn unhealthy in the long run.  

3 hours ago, pdude said:

Lately my 27yo old friend fall for 18yo girl from his work. So he started to aquaint with her. The even go date several times. Everything was going smoothly until she asked him about his age and then "eewww you so old hehehe". Then she teased him and eventually they broked. What the matter? I know him as decent guy and sure that he did not have "dirty" intentions. And now you talking about this here. I just don't understand such thing.

Yeah I would say that this is a terrible, and rather immature way of dealing with a situation like this. I would imagine teasing someone about this type of thing can easily turn awkward and cringey, so I'm so sorry about your friend. I'm sure he didn't have any "dirty intentions" but I'm just trying to explain how it feels like on the other end, not as a woman, but as a younger person getting into a situation with a person who is much older. I'm not trying to argue, i'm just presenting my perspective for anyone else who might be viewing this thread. 

I can't say that i've had the equivalent of that happening to me but when I do reveal to a guy I'm talking to that I'm young and he turns out to be older than i expected, the energy shifts from flirtatious to "YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A GOOD KID." I actually had one guy say that to me and yeah it was a bit weird considering we were flirting for like a couple hours before that lmao. 

[bejapuskas]

@soos_mite_ah  So as a girl who maybe isn't so „mature“ (by your definition - not having a career, money etc...), you can still attract mature guys. Because guys don't value independency and self-sufficiency as much as girls do, they value different personality traits much more. But if that is something that is bothering you, these days, it is very easy to make money online.  

[soos_mite_ah]

@bejapuskas Maturity and where you are at your life are two different things. You can still be mature and still not have a career, money, etc (maybe you're in beginning stages of figuring out what you want to do etc.). While maturity, age, and life experience may all be correlated with each other, no one factor guarantees the other two.  It can get messy at times. I was mainly talking about career and money to illustrate a point on a life stage but characterizing where you are in your life is not limited to that by any means

[erik8lrl]

I am 20 too, and I used to be the same. People easily get intermediated by me, and I used to hide who I am and be more relatable to others, but over time through my journey, I realized nobody would love me as much as I love myself. The loneliness we feel is actually a blessing. It is through solitude that we learn to live and love ourselves. It is a boost to spiritual advancement. And once you reach the point of loving yourself completely, you will then be able to love anyone without limit. You will have the compassion and patience to help and love others on their journey. You won't feel lonely anymore because you are all there is. We often choose to not love others because we see in them something we don't love about ourselves. Accept who you are and go through this journey. By becoming your true self, others will be inspired by you and reach higher consciousness, and then you will be able to relate with anyone. There are many people like us, but we are all spread around the world to help the whole. Everything is perfectly planned. Keep going.

[allislove]

It reminds me as one day I found myself watching a bunch of hobby-related videos on YT. People on those videos were +20 years to my age mostly 

I would say keep going with self-development work. At some point, maybe, you will be able to relate to anyone effortlessly.

On 7/21/2020 at 11:11 PM, bejapuskas said:

@soos_mite_ah  You can learn a lot from both socializing and solitude. Just follow the thing that feels right, don't force anything.

this ^^

[soos_mite_ah]

@erik8lrl I'm so glad you shared that. I had a similar experience regarding my spiritual experience as well where I felt this boost in advancement as well as self love. When this initially happened when I was 16, it was difficult and it was very lonely and depressing. Eventually i got to a point where I got used to it and then i moved to a point where I made this circumstance really work to my advantage. Because I don't have a steady group of friends, it's much easier for me switch up who I am by growing and developing whereas before i would get caught in and get comfortable with similar dynamics. It's like now, i can really be free to whoever I want. I also feel that now I'm not nearly as codependent on my friendships because I'm so comfortable being on my own. Now I'm not going to just accept any connection that comes into my life just because I want to avoid feeling the pain of loneliness. Rather, now since its more of a want rather than a need, i can more consciously choose friends that really bring value into my life. I have definitely built up a lot of compassion for myself and in turn for others in this journey and I have definitely built up a lot of patience in regards to waiting for people to come into my life. It's not a hopeless situation, like I'm not planning on living under a rock for like 60 or so years lol.  I'm sure I'll find people I will click with in perfect timing. 

And yall don't know how much more I am at peace after people have shared their experiences in regards to this with me. For a long time, I was trying to troubleshoot, thinking that there was something wrong with me or what I was doing. I guess for some people, this is part of the journey. It isn't good or bad, it just is. And sometimes, in case these, troubleshooting can be another form of resisting. 

[erik8lrl]

@soos_mite_ah Keep loving yourself and others, those connections that you are longing for will come at the right time. Much love.