I feel like I can't relate to people my age after doing self development work

[soos_mite_ah]

After i turned 16, I decided to take a lot of time to sort through my childhood and get my life together. I also started dedicating a lot of time to self improvement and awareness. Even though I don't have anything serious going on emotionally anymore, it's something that I enjoy and really get a lot of fulfillment and joy from.  But I noticed that it wasn't long til my old friends didn't resonate with me anymore. I figured that maybe I just needed a change of scenery or that I simply outgrew my friends and that I'll find another group of friends. Currently, I have a lot of acquaintances who think I'm fun to be around and am good at having "deep" fulfilling conversations (I put deep in quotes because that's what other people have told me but I don't see it as such. I'm just being my regular self and explaining my views on reality).  

But I have yet to find a group of friends I really resonate with. Sometimes I also get the remark "oh i thought you were older because of the way you carry yourself. You just seem very put together." I've also had people who were intimidated by me as well even though at least from my end, I wasn't really doing anything except being myself.  There is nothing wrong with them and I'm happy to just remain acquaintances but I don't think trying to be close friends with people who are intimidated by me is the most sustainable. I got in a relationship like that, ignoring my instincts, and even though it started out okay, i had to get out because I realized that a power dynamic was forming and this person was becoming emotionally codependent which isn't good for either one of us. 

Also this is especially frustrating because I keep attracting men who are 8-12 years older than me (I'm 20 btw). I never had a sketchy situation with these guys but usually after having a conversation and after they ask me for my number, I usually tell them my age and they apologize and back off (which is great because then I know they aren't trying to creep on young girls). But I do recognize that I am the common denominator in these situations so I think I'm the problem. It's frustrating because I haven't had a guy my age hit on me since I was 16.  I have pretty much have looked the same since that age and the only thing that I would say is different is the way I do my hair and my makeup, so it's not like I physically look a lot older.  It's really annoying and I want it to stop but until I find a way to fix this I'm going to resort to telling people that I am "born in the 2000s" and enjoy their shocked reactions (I mean it's a lie but honestly, its close enough to my actual birthday lol).  

I'm not sure if the trauma "aged" me. I grew up with a lot happening in my childhood and I was exposed to many responsibilities from a young age that I believe forced me to grow up faster emotionally. On top of that, I also think that sorting through the trauma and additional self development also "aged" me further because I think I came out of it wiser and more at peace.  I haven't had a group of friends in a few years and while I'm at peace most of the time since I really enjoy solitude and being alone with my thoughts, I'm not gonna lie, sometimes it does get lonely and I do start wondering if something is wrong with me. 

Even writing this I'm like "I hope to god that i don't come off as one of those assholes who are all like i"Am MoRE mAtuRe thAn EvERYOne mY aGE." I'm simply explaining how I feel and my current situation. I am open to seeing what people on this forum has to say whether that is talking about their experiences, giving any advice, or even calling out any bs that i might be missing in regards to my own psyche. 

[MDMD]

I can completely relate to this, even today folks have told me "I thought you were older" and "you're so mature for your age" type stuff. 

That said, you got to understand that you're taking another path here, spiritual work and personal development ,as fulfilling as it can be, is like going off roading into the unknown. The majority of the western world is preoccupied with "survival" i.e. social media, partying, sex, dumbed down politics, sports, and scraping by paycheck to paycheck.

If you're like me, then you're probably completely right about standing out as the weird one in the group and let me tell you that's totally okay. If it helps, try and find a more relatable activity that helps you connect with others that you can enjoy and be more social. For me this has been hiking and being a part of spiritual book clubs etc. 

[soos_mite_ah]

@MDMD Thank you so much I'll see what I can do. I guess sometimes I underestimate the amount of people still in survival since I digest a lot of content from places like this. I especially noticed this in the last year or so. It wasnt that I lost interest in the world and got depressed, but that even though I could enjoy myself and talk about things, none of it would really resonate. On top of that, sometimes I want to share what I'm going through spiritually, but I know a lot of people will look at me like I'm a space cadet because it won't resonate with them either. 

Just imagine trying to talk to a random person about feeling like there is no actual self ????

[hyruga]

It's your EGO. It's Huge!

[Carl-Richard]

You'll really just have to get used to this. Most people aren't interested in self-improvement, so naturally they'll most likely not be very developed, and you're just going to keep growing as time passes. Then again, you're still young, so time is on your side. Maybe tomorrow you'll find somebody that can resonate with you . 

Edited July 15, 2020 by Carl-Richard

[soos_mite_ah]

@Carl-Richard I agree. Then again I'm not too worried about being more of a lone wolf for a while so I'm not looking to desperately find a tribe. I'm sure I'll eventually find people who resonate with me in real life. It's not like I'm thinking of crawling under a rock for the remainder of my days 

[Madhur]

@soos_mite_ah Yeah I am 18 rn and I completely relate to you, what helps me go through those situation is I tend to FOCUS ON BIG PICTURE, like what this work is gonna pay out for me in long-term, and I sometimes watch Leo's classic "get yo ass inspired" video and I am good to go again haha.

[Shiva99]

On 15-7-2020 at 4:53 AM, hyruga said:

It's your EGO. It's Huge!

Seems like he tactically avoided this one. hahahahaha.

Edited July 16, 2020 by Shiva99

[Username]

Are you an INFP?

Edited July 16, 2020 by Username

[Espaim]

You're almost narrating my life lol

I can relate strongly.

Well, that's the path you chose after all. Let's keep going!

Edited July 16, 2020 by Espaim

[soos_mite_ah]

@Madhur Yeah I agree. I don't regret going on this path at all and I think it's for the better in the long run. Like any path, there is a trade off. It sucks sometimes and it feels lonely but in my opinion it's a small price to pay in relative terms. 

[soos_mite_ah]

@Username no. I think the last time I checked I either got intj or intp 

[soos_mite_ah]

@Espaim Nice to know I'm not alone ??

And I don't regret it one bit. 

[danniviemaria]

OMG! Haha, I did think someone will make a thread like ‘I feel like I can't relate to people my age after doing self development work since I didn’t worry about people judging my childish’. 

I don’t know, maybe it’s depending a lot on the personality but as an ENTP or some one can joke as Extremely-Nonsense-Thinking-Person, I did feel my interest to my nonsense could have never been introduced to someone as that nonsense could be a something-bad to my ‘mature’.

But why? It’s just why?! Because someone could nickname on you as an alien or a crazy one? No, I share with them with all my love for them. I wish a lot that someone can recall back to that and think ‘how about personal development? I can ask this guy’. 

And that love of that conversation with some people that I am now so-called childish to ask them ‘What are you doing?’. With love, who cannot smile at you back and have a great conversation?

Thanks for your thread.

Edited July 19, 2020 by danniviemaria

[Username]

@soos_mite_ah If you are 21yo not probably your are still hanging around random people. In school you can't choose people in your class. When you were studying you have more impact who you interact with by choosing University. You will also "collect" friends from different groups.

I think this is typical if you want to interact with more developed people, initially you will choose older ones. Than you will finally find some people closer to your age. Around 30yo things will even out.

[wwhy]

On 7/15/2020 at 10:20 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

I keep attracting men who are 8-12 years older than me (I'm 20 btw). I never had a sketchy situation with these guys but usually after having a conversation and after they ask me for my number, I usually tell them my age and they apologize and back off (which is great because then I know they aren't trying to creep on young girls).

Why would they apologize for talking to a 20 year old woman? When did 20 year old become young clueless girls to be creeped upon?

[JosephKnecht]

It seems a lot of people on this forum can relate to you.  So you can find people that you can relate to, but it won't be the same people that you related to in the past. This might be problematic for your relationships. 

People relate to others based on the commonalities in their interests. If you have something in common with others, you understand their point of view. If you like jazz music, for example, you can easily relate to people who also like Jazz music. It is your common interest that binds you together. Lots of people on this forum are doing self-actualization work so here you will find others that you can relate to. 

If you are more mature than people your age, you will have more in common with people who are at your age of maturity. So don't refuse the advances of others just because of their age, but look at their level of maturity. 

Lastly, if you are pursuing enlightenment, realize that you will have to deconstruct you ego completely. It is your ego that seeks others to relate to, it is the ego that seeks to belong to a group, it is the ego that wishes to be accepted and understood by others. To "achieve enlightenment" you have to go through a period when you can't relate to other people because that is the way you starve the ego. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

@Username I think because of the college I chose along with the subjects I chose to take, i suppose there are people who do get filtered out. I did find people with some shared interests, but for some reason we don't always click on a more personal level. Then again, lately I caught myself not being super social and focusing more on developing myself, my education, and just being over socializing so that may have a large role in it.

I also encountered a lot of people who are in the same classes as me who aren't really into what they are studying. I try to bring up class and the subjects we're talking about (since that's currently what is bringing me the most joy and is what I'm super interested in at the moment) and they look at me like *can you not talk about school* I can take a hint so I'm not going to go full nerd on these people since I can see a lack of response lmao. But yeah i guess what I'm trying to say is that even with the same classes, i don't always share common interests with people 

Also I would say that I chose the college im going to for the program rather than the social environment so that's another factor to consider. I would say that the student body is blue and VERY orange (there is some green people but they are in the minority and most people see them as the weirdos on campus because the school as a whole is pretty conservative) with a huge emphasis on Greek life. Nothing wrong with that, they are where they are. Just getting wasted at a frat house isn't really my idea of a good time. Not everyone is like that and a lot of them know how to have fun without getting out of hand but i will admit, while i can enjoy myself, i still feel lacking in connection because none of it really resonates with me. Hence why i have a lot of acquaintances but not many friends.     

[soos_mite_ah]

@JosephKnecht I don't mind advances in regards to friendships. Sometimes, when I start to feel that my loneliness is getting a little out of hand, before i start spiraling, I usually pop up in one of my professor's office hours and start nerding out about what we are discussing in class and then go off topic to talk about other things. Often times I leave those conversations feeling more fulfilled and for some reasons I find myself clicking with them better than a lot of other people in my classes. So I agree, common interest are a huge component and advances in regards to friendships from people who are older aren't something to shy away from. 

Romantically, that's another story. I feel that getting into a romantic/ intimate relationship with someone much older than you at a young age isn't always the best idea because of the power dynamic involved developmentally which can lead to unhealthy or even abusive situations in some cases. People tend to grow a lot emotionally and circumstantially during their formative years from 15-25 before their frontal lobe is developed. Which is why the difference in life experiences is so stark to where if someone caught a 16 year old and a 24 year old dating, it would raise a ton of red flags and questions while a 26 year old dating a 34 year old would be less questionable. From what I understand age gets less relevant as time goes on because people on average tend to level out more after 25 ish. It's not a maturity, where you are in the spiral thing, rather it is more of a where are you at your life kind of thing. I may be be more mature than the average person my age, but I'm still in the same place in terms of life experiences/ circumstance (i.e. going to college, still figuring out my career etc.) 

Even if I met a 17 year old stage yellow/ turquoise guy (for example's sake) who I really resonated with, I would still be hesitant to date him because he would still be a high school junior while I'm a sophomore in college. Those 3 years make a large difference when you're young while they may be completely irrelevant when you're older.   

 

Also in regards to the ego, I can see how it's relevant because it's like if you are looking to relate to people, it still means you identify with something. But, isn't curating healthy and higher consciousness relationships also incredibly beneficial? I wouldn't say that I'm super desperate about making friends or getting into a relationship and I would say that I'm pretty comfortable with being by myself, but a few high quality relationships would be pretty nice.  It's more of a preference than a need if that makes sense. It's just a question I have since I would say that I'm pretty new to really deconstructing the ego. 

Edited July 20, 2020 by soos_mite_ah
forgot to ask a question

[soos_mite_ah]

@wwhy There is nothing wrong with just talking to a young woman. But looking to date/ flirt with someone significantly younger can be a red flag. These guys probably understood that there is a power dynamic involved and things can be a little weird. 

But yeah, it can come off as a certain way because there are tons of men who can't compete with women their age because they are too immature. So instead these men try to prey on younger women who will idolize them because they are in a different stage in life and because younger women won't call them out on their bs like an older woman who knows what is normal for their age might. 

At 20, you might not be a "young clueless girl" but you aren't developmentally a woman either (I'm talking about the prefrontal cortex). There is still a large lack of life experience and a lot of growing to do.  There is nothing wrong with that, you are just where you are doing what you're supposed to do, but older guys sometimes can try to prey on the sense of naivety. 

It's obviously not all older guys but there is enough people like that to where there is a connotation. With the apology, they wanted to communicate that its not like that by leaving me alone to pursue someone closer to their age.