Why continue life when life became hell?

[deso]

@dimitri can you jump off the roof and fly?

 

@Exystem thanks for your in depth response. The depressing part is that I knew all this two years ago already. I just didn’t do it. Now it’s hunting me, and the additional issues are tearing me apart.

[deso]

@seeking_brilliance you want to systematically work through all of that? It’s a lot. It’s just a matter of if it’s worth going through that pain anymore.

[DreamScape]

Being aware that this is another thought construct, being aware that this is a story you're creating and energetically feeding, without trying to change it, will give you the separation needed to pick yourself back up.

Now its just a matter of wanting. How bad do you want it? If you want it bad enough nothing will stop you.

[Jacobsrw]

2 hours ago, deso said:

It’s almost game over for me. Over the course of the last two years I have severely damaged my life. I have decided against what my heart was telling me. Out of self hate I made decisions which led to my own demise. I wasted two really important years of my life by doing stuff that I hated, things that were self destructive, knowingly what I actually wanted to do. Just out of fear, the feeling of unworthiness, and general self hate. I threw away the time to plan out my life, personal development and a lot of life changing opportunities. Additionally I had a circumcision a year ago which fucked up my sex life because the surgeon botched it.

I’m 22 now and I was suffering immensely for the vast amount of the past decade, I had to deal with severe bullying and a lot of other crap. I live in self regret because my youth practically was non existent and I missed out on all the ‘good stuff’. I have dealt with OCD, an anxiety disorder, and depression for a long time. I have isolated and exiled myself because social life became unbearable.

The worst of all of this is that I’m a really social kind of person. I’m an extrovert, I always have to do something and I’m really squirrely. I’m good looking, charismatic and loved wherever I go, but I restricted myself from going out because couldn’t handle the intensity of pain I was in anymore.

Somewhat like two years ago I heavily pursued enlightenment, but it was just a cheap runaway from what was actually missing. I was so unfree that I searched for absolute liberation, but what I actually needed was to break out of the old scheme. Basic self help, building a life purpose and leading a social life was what was needed. Not to say that enlightenment work is not combinable with all this stuff, but it didn’t make things easier necessarily and other stuff was more important at this point of time.

Nevertheless I had many awakenings ever since then, which shifted my perspectives on life radically. I have a vast intellectual understanding of all this stuff. But I’m not happy. I didn’t live and I would have rather made contact with spirituality at a later point in life.

My parents are going through a really bad divorce right now, I lost loved ones the last two years, my best friend is heavily suicidal, my sex life is fucked up, and I lost out big time on what life actually presented me, had I just not hated myself so much.

To picture my life: I actually had it all, but my self hate told me to fuck off “ya not worthy of living a good life”. This destructive behaviour led to a bunch of grueling stuff that I now have to deal with. I knew better all the time, but I didn’t change it. Now my life is damaged beyond repair.

I can’t deal with the amount of pain and suffering anymore. It became too much. I’m thinking about ending life every day. Why should I carry on?

I’m sorry to here all this. What you’ve been through sounds difficult. However, from experience, difficult times in life are real opportunities for growth. Every time severe challenge has arisen almost simultaneously does growth occur. It’s a matter of perspective and looking at things more with more nuance than they first appear.

What if all this challenge is an indication that you require more self love rather than hate? What if all this suffering is showing how much more there is to life for beyond it? 

I mean, if suffering is so undesirable does this not mean that deep down you want something more? What is that? Your suffering is a sign that you want to be happy. Fulfil that need rather than avoiding it.

[allislove]

@deso

M E D I T A T I O N

[seeking_brilliance]

@deso sure why not? I've got no where to go. 

[traveler]

Interesting story, why don't you try telling a new one? You seem pretty tired of that one.

@deso seems to need a little bit of space and forgiveness. Give him some!

Edited July 14, 2020 by traveler

[kag101]

You need professional help, dude. No amount of internet advice will truly help you. Nor will enlightenment work or even basic self-help work in your case.

Oh and by professional help, I mean a psychiatrist (and also a psychotherapist, preferably).

 

I could relate to what you said about "wasting your youth". Even though I'm a decently good-looking guy and also have charisma, because of mental illness, I couldn't be the real me. After all, I wasn't 100% alive. But numbed out. My teenage years I just wanted to escape everything: school, socializing, chores, etc. 

Now that my mood is stabilized (due to medication), I do kinda feel bad that I didn't seek help sooner. I mean, I tried... But I was trying the ineffective methods. That is, alternative methods. NLP, hypnosis, self-help, Reiki, psychedelics, etc.

However, because I'm feeling good now and I know that my life is heading in the right direction, the fact that I "wasted" some years doesn't really bother me.

You mentioned that you realized that you were trying to get enlightened in a neurotic way to compensate the suffering you were in. I can totally relate to that. There was a time in my life that I was meditating for 4 hours a day. Actually, I wouldn't even call that meditation -- I was simply tolerating discomfort.

Another thing that I did to not get psychological help was to... major in psychology at college. I didn't think going through the process was necessary for me. All I needed was, I thought, the theoretical foundation. Then, I would "heal" myself and I'd be an awesome therapist.

I was trying to overcome it all by myself, because deep down I thought I didn't need the help of professionals.

 

I hit rock bottom at 22 also, which was in 2018. The thing about depression is that the longer you take to seek help, the worse it gets. The episodes get longer and darker.

The first psychiatrist was crappy. But then, I found a really good one. He found a medication that fit me really well. And, man... I hope you get to experience what I have been experiencing. It's as if I were in hell for 10 years, and now I'm out of it. And reality feels like heaven. Sure, there are ups and downs. And there are problems. But nothing can be compared to that existential emptiness that I used to feel.

 

Quote

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

 

Best of luck!

[deso]

21 minutes ago, deso said:

@dimitri can you jump off the roof and fly?

 

13 minutes ago, dimitri said:

@deso

M E D I T A T I O N

@dimitri can you or can you not?

[allislove]

Just now, deso said:

 

@dimitri can you or can you not?

Meditation. 

[deso]

1 minute ago, dimitri said:

Meditation. 

You’re making assumptions about something which is not in your experience.

”Everything is possible” simply isn’t true. Maybe in another world, in another universe, somewhere else in consciousness, but not on this rock.

[allislove]

2 minutes ago, deso said:

You’re making assumptions about something which is not in your experience.

”Everything is possible” simply isn’t true. Maybe in another world, in another universe, somewhere else in consciousness, but not on this rock.

That's the good sign that you are arguing  
If you are in depression - the best first step is to become angry on somebody. Feel free to be angry on me.
Maybe, I should say more precisely, "everything is possible if you really want it". 
You create your own reality. 
Start to meditate every morning, start a dream board, let go of the ideas that don't feel good for you.
Start tell the story which you WANT to experience. Believe in yourself.

[seeking_brilliance]

I can jump off a roof and fly. Its something I do regularly.  Though I'm in a different 'body' at the time. Its fun! Sometimes I like to dive all the way to the ground and pretend like I'm going to crash, and then level off at the last moment and use that momentum to boost high in the air. I'm a big show off, regularly.  I assume everyone watching is entertained, but I don't stick around long enough to find out. 

But that's probably not what you were asking....

[deso]

28 minutes ago, Jacobsrw said:

What if all this challenge is an indication that you require more self love rather than hate? What if all this suffering is showing how much more there is to life for beyond it? 

If anything, then I have learned that all the indicators are also only concepts that I create to get closer to the source of it all. Love yourself to death and there will be no need for anything anymore. Both ways work, but the latter on is inevitable. If this knowledge was worth the payoff idk.

[peachboy]

3 hours ago, deso said:

It’s almost game over for me. Over the course of the last two years I have severely damaged my life. I have decided against what my heart was telling me. Out of self hate I made decisions which led to my own demise. I wasted two really important years of my life by doing stuff that I hated, things that were self destructive, knowingly what I actually wanted to do. Just out of fear, the feeling of unworthiness, and general self hate. I threw away the time to plan out my life, personal development and a lot of life changing opportunities. Additionally I had a circumcision a year ago which fucked up my sex life because the surgeon botched it.

I’m 22 now and I was suffering immensely for the vast amount of the past decade, I had to deal with severe bullying and a lot of other crap. I live in self regret because my youth practically was non existent and I missed out on all the ‘good stuff’. I have dealt with OCD, an anxiety disorder, and depression for a long time. I have isolated and exiled myself because social life became unbearable.

The worst of all of this is that I’m a really social kind of person. I’m an extrovert, I always have to do something and I’m really squirrely. I’m good looking, charismatic and loved wherever I go, but I restricted myself from going out because couldn’t handle the intensity of pain I was in anymore.

Somewhat like two years ago I heavily pursued enlightenment, but it was just a cheap runaway from what was actually missing. I was so unfree that I searched for absolute liberation, but what I actually needed was to break out of the old scheme. Basic self help, building a life purpose and leading a social life was what was needed. Not to say that enlightenment work is not combinable with all this stuff, but it didn’t make things easier necessarily and other stuff was more important at this point of time.

Nevertheless I had many awakenings ever since then, which shifted my perspectives on life radically. I have a vast intellectual understanding of all this stuff. But I’m not happy. I didn’t live and I would have rather made contact with spirituality at a later point in life.

My parents are going through a really bad divorce right now, I lost loved ones the last two years, my best friend is heavily suicidal, my sex life is fucked up, and I lost out big time on what life actually presented me, had I just not hated myself so much.

To picture my life: I actually had it all, but my self hate told me to fuck off “ya not worthy of living a good life”. This destructive behaviour led to a bunch of grueling stuff that I now have to deal with. I knew better all the time, but I didn’t change it. Now my life is damaged beyond repair.

I can’t deal with the amount of pain and suffering anymore. It became too much. I’m thinking about ending life every day. Why should I carry on?

 

Would you protect a small vulnerable animal or a child in need if you could?

There are two yous. There is the you that is the video game character, and the you that is the player.

The you that is suffering is the you that is the character, not the player.

Are you, as the player, just going to abandon the character, just because the game's not going as you want it to?

Do you not feel, as player, you have a duty of care towards the character, like you have a duty of care to a small vulnerable animal or a child in need?

The character isn't you, but you as player have a duty of care towards your character. You could even think of it as your own child.

That person you see in the mirror: Look after it. Do the best you can. But never abandon it.

 

 

Edited July 14, 2020 by peachboy

[seeking_brilliance]

@deso forget knowledge, it clearly doesn't serve you. 

Edited July 14, 2020 by seeking_brilliance

[deso]

16 minutes ago, dimitri said:

That's the good sign that you are arguing  
If you are in depression - the best first step is to become angry on somebody. Feel free to be angry on me.
Maybe, I should say more precisely, "everything is possible if you really want it". 
You create your own reality. 
Start to meditate every morning, start a dream board, let go of the ideas that don't feel good for you.
Start tell the story which you WANT to experience. Believe in yourself.

Oh boy, there’s already a lot of anger in my life.

If this would be true then I would become holier than Christ himself lol.

 

[allislove]

@deso

I am glad to hear that.
You can google "emotional scale abraham" to research the topic of emotions.

[deso]

36 minutes ago, seeking_brilliance said:

I can jump off a roof and fly. Its something I do regularly.  Though I'm in a different 'body' at the time. Its fun! Sometimes I like to dive all the way to the ground and pretend like I'm going to crash, and then level off at the last moment and use that momentum to boost high in the air. I'm a big show off, regularly.  I assume everyone watching is entertained, but I don't stick around long enough to find out. 

But that's probably not what you were asking....

Yeah sure, you also regularly live in the oceans and visit the crusty crab. At least I do.

27 minutes ago, seeking_brilliance said:

@deso forget knowledge, it clearly doesn't serve you. 

True, had I at one point stopped conceptualising and went to experiencing I wouldn’t sit here today.

Edited July 14, 2020 by deso

[Nak Khid]

3 hours ago, deso said:

destructive behaviour led to a bunch of grueling stuff that I now have to deal with.

what stuff?