Why continue life when life became hell?

[deso]

It’s almost game over for me. Over the course of the last two years I have severely damaged my life. I have decided against what my heart was telling me. Out of self hate I made decisions which led to my own demise. I wasted two really important years of my life by doing stuff that I hated, things that were self destructive, knowingly what I actually wanted to do. Just out of fear, the feeling of unworthiness, and general self hate. I threw away the time to plan out my life, personal development and a lot of life changing opportunities. Additionally I had a circumcision a year ago which fucked up my sex life because the surgeon botched it.

I’m 22 now and I was suffering immensely for the vast amount of the past decade, I had to deal with severe bullying and a lot of other crap. I live in self regret because my youth practically was non existent and I missed out on all the ‘good stuff’. I have dealt with OCD, an anxiety disorder, and depression for a long time. I have isolated and exiled myself because social life became unbearable.

The worst of all of this is that I’m a really social kind of person. I’m an extrovert, I always have to do something and I’m really squirrely. I’m good looking, charismatic and loved wherever I go, but I restricted myself from going out because couldn’t handle the intensity of pain I was in anymore.

Somewhat like two years ago I heavily pursued enlightenment, but it was just a cheap runaway from what was actually missing. I was so unfree that I searched for absolute liberation, but what I actually needed was to break out of the old scheme. Basic self help, building a life purpose and leading a social life was what was needed. Not to say that enlightenment work is not combinable with all this stuff, but it didn’t make things easier necessarily and other stuff was more important at this point of time.

Nevertheless I had many awakenings ever since then, which shifted my perspectives on life radically. I have a vast intellectual understanding of all this stuff. But I’m not happy. I didn’t live and I would have rather made contact with spirituality at a later point in life.

My parents are going through a really bad divorce right now, I lost loved ones the last two years, my best friend is heavily suicidal, my sex life is fucked up, and I lost out big time on what life actually presented me, had I just not hated myself so much.

To picture my life: I actually had it all, but my self hate told me to fuck off “ya not worthy of living a good life”. This destructive behaviour led to a bunch of grueling stuff that I now have to deal with. I knew better all the time, but I didn’t change it. Now my life is damaged beyond repair.

I can’t deal with the amount of pain and suffering anymore. It became too much. I’m thinking about ending life every day. Why should I carry on?

Edited July 14, 2020 by deso

[seeking_brilliance]

sounds like you need a big reset, like going to live on a farm and just enjoying simple things in life.  22 is nothing. I was suicidal at 32 and now I'm 35 and can't imagine why or how I felt that way. yes of course it gets better, but you have to be in a receptive state to understand and take that advice.  

 

[JosephKnecht]

You are only 22 years old. 

You went on the right path, but you went too far. That is ok. 

There is no such thing as damaged beyond repair. Everything can be repaired if you have the right tools. You have learned self-help, and that is all the help you need to cure the self. 

We all make mistakes, and from our mistakes, we learn what to do and what not to do. 

Do not despair, better days are ahead. 

[LovingYou]

40 minutes ago, deso said:

It’s almost game over for me. Over the course of the last two years I have severely damaged my life. I have decided against what my heart was telling me. Out of self hate I made decisions which led to my own demise. I wasted two really important years of my life by doing stuff that I hated, things that were self destructive, knowingly what I actually wanted to do. Just out of fear, the feeling of unworthiness, and general self hate. I threw away the time to plan out my life, personal development and a lot of life changing opportunities. Additionally I had a circumcision a year ago which fucked up my sex life because the surgeon botched it.

I’m 22 now and I was suffering immensely for the vast amount of the past decade, I had to deal with severe bullying and a lot of other crap. I live in self regret because my youth practically was non existent and I missed out on all the ‘good stuff’. I have dealt with OCD, an anxiety disorder, and depression for a long time. I have isolated and exiled myself because social life became unbearable.

The worst of all of this is that I’m a really social kind of person. I’m an extrovert, I always have to do something and I’m really squirrely. I’m good looking, charismatic and loved wherever I go, but I restricted myself from going out because couldn’t handle the intensity of pain I was in anymore.

Somewhat like two years ago I heavily pursued enlightenment, but it was just a cheap runaway from what was actually missing. I was so unfree that I searched for absolute liberation, but what I actually needed was to break out of the old scheme. Basic self help, building a life purpose and leading a social life was what was needed. Not to say that enlightenment work is not combinable with all this stuff, but it didn’t make things easier necessarily and other stuff was more important at this point of time.

Nevertheless I had many awakenings ever since then, which shifted my perspectives on life radically. I have a vast intellectual understanding of all this stuff. But I’m not happy. I didn’t live and I would have rather made contact with spirituality at a later point in life.

My parents are going through a really bad divorce right now, I lost loved ones the last two years, my best friend is heavily suicidal, my sex life is fucked up, and I lost out big time on what life actually presented me, had I just not hated myself so much.

To picture my life: I actually had it all, but my self hate told me to fuck off “ya not worthy of living a good life”. This destructive behaviour led to a bunch of grueling stuff that I now have to deal with. I knew better all the time, but I didn’t change it. Now my life is damaged beyond repair.

I can’t deal with the amount of pain and suffering anymore. It became too much. I’m thinking about ending life every day. Why should I carry on?

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I know I'm only an anonymous internet user, but I want you to know that I know how you feel in an absolute sense. Life did to you the same thing it did to me, it threw me onto the spiritual path whether I liked it or not. It did the same thing to Siddhartha Gautama. Sometimes it works that way, for better or worse. Sometimes, it turns out so much for the better that you look back and laugh at how trivial the badness was when compared to the better, as in my case and the Buddha's case :') .

My only advice is to look at my AMA post and take the simple advice I offered there. Give your mind and body the best chance at navigating all of the struggles that have been thrown upon you. Maybe on the other side of your struggles lies everything you were ever hoping to find. Don't take my word for it, find out for yourself! 

:') ??

Edited July 14, 2020 by LovingYou

[deso]

@seeking_brilliance I need a reset, but I also need a purpose and social life, I can’t exile myself even further. I actually know my purpose, but it‘s practically impossible to live it anymore. That‘s why I‘m suffering the most. I denied myself.

@JosephKnecht I made mistakes that I knew to be mistakes prior to making them. There was nothing to learn. It’s just like cutting off your hand because of self destructive behaviour, even though you know it is a bad idea. Nothing to gain from that. I really hate the quote “nothing is impossible”. Well, regenerating body parts or turning back time certainly is not possible.

This place is fairly limited and no understanding of god will ever enable one to heal that kind of stuff.

[allislove]

@deso

Meditation every morning to let go the ideas which are not true, which don't feel good.
Refresh your mind by watching the following video.
Everything is possible, you can have everything you want.
 

 

[LovingYou]

3 minutes ago, dimitri said:

@deso

Meditation every morning to let go the ideas which are not true, which don't feel good.
Refresh your mind by watching the following video.
Everything is possible, you can have everything you want.
 

 

Actually, I don't recommend using someone else's bad situation to motivate yourself. The only suffering you know is your own. If you start comparing your suffering to your perception of others' suffering, it will only create beliefs and confusion in your mind. In your experience, the greatest suffering that has ever existed is your own. You simply haven't experienced anyone else's suffering. So focus on your own suffering for now and don't try to compare and say "I shouldn't be feeling this way because that other person has it so much worse", which is the thought that tends to arise from such a comparison :)) ?

Edited July 14, 2020 by LovingYou

[seeking_brilliance]

@deso you seem to believe you need those things right now.  Lets see what you need after five years of working the farm. 

[allislove]

1 minute ago, LovingYou said:

Actually, I don't recommend using someone else's bad situation to motivate yourself. The only suffering you know is your own. If you start comparing your suffering to your perception of others' suffering, it will only create beliefs and confusion in your mind. In your experience, the greatest suffering that has ever existed is your own. You simply haven't experienced anyone else's suffering. So focus on your own suffering for now and don't try to compare and say "I shouldn't be feeling this way because that other person has it so much worse", which is the thought that tends to arise from such a comparison :)) 

Thank you enlightened being ?

[LovingYou]

5 minutes ago, dimitri said:

Thank you enlightened being ?

? I don't like being called that. I'm just someone who managed to get out of his suffering. I'm not a superhero ?? 

If my words make sense to you, then I encourage you to try what I suggest for yourself and verify what I'm saying through your own experience. I don't want to be praised as an enlightened being and I don't want anyone to take my words as truth just because of their perception of me. I want what I say to stand on its own. Perhaps you're overvaluing my words because of your perception of me. Don't focus on the messenger, focus on the message and on figuring out whether its correct or incorrect. ??

Edited July 14, 2020 by LovingYou

[allislove]

4 minutes ago, LovingYou said:

Actually, I don't recommend using someone else's bad situation to motivate yourself. The only suffering you know is your own. If you start comparing your suffering to your perception of others' suffering, it will only create beliefs and confusion in your mind. In your experience, the greatest suffering that has ever existed is your own. You simply haven't experienced anyone else's suffering. So focus on your own suffering for now and don't try to compare and say "I shouldn't be feeling this way because that other person has it so much worse", which is the thought that tends to arise from such a comparison :)) ?

On the serious note, I think this video is a perfect example of showing that everything is possible. You can have everything you want.
This story feels good to me and I don't see the person on the video in "bad situation". This is your own projection :))

[LovingYou]

2 minutes ago, dimitri said:

On the serious note, I think this video is a perfect example of showing that everything is possible. You can have everything you want.
This story feels good to me and I don't see the person on the video in "bad situation". This is your own projection :))

Not a projection! Just a recommendation. Perhaps you aren't doing it, but you understand that a lot of people do. I just want to give a gentle warning to anyone reading your post that thoughts like that are not constructive :)) 

Also, thank goodness you were joking ? Being seriously called an "enlightened being" is the last thing I want ??

Edited July 14, 2020 by LovingYou

[seeking_brilliance]

@deso what do you want? What was the purpose of making this thread? Do you want help? I can try. But you'll need to go into all the gory details. And I won't even talk about enlightenment. 

[SoonHei]

@deso because you cannot stop life. It is continuous and unending. The attempt to "end" life puts you much more deeper into the misery for the simple reason that you think life can be ended or not continued

[Member]

Lol, I used to think like this too. I would sit in the balcony to freeze to death or try not to breathe... it is funny as hell when you remember this from a certain age

[allislove]

@LovingYou

... now something for motivation  

 

Edited July 14, 2020 by dimitri

[Exystem]

@deso I'm also 22 years old, and I can feel your suffering. Self-hate or the absence of self-acceptance is the main reason for people to fuck up their lifes. The problem is that life viewed through the lense of self-hate looks way worse than it actually is. We are so young, if we use the right methods we can still enjoy most of our life. One of the most powerful methods I know to gain self-love apart from meditation-techniques etc. is to step outside your comfort zone, facing your fears and act completely opposite to what your mind wants you to do. Of course you have it quite hard because of the anxiety disorder, but don't compare yourself with others. The relative progress is the measure, and it will manifest noticably after some time. The “ya not worthy of living a good life”-thoughts often stem from the deep feeling that you don't exert yourself enough.

So when you establish little habits like cold showers, workouts, starting a healthy diet,do some meditation in your life, you will build up a strong will (which can be trained similarly to a muscle), which will raise your self-esteem. Usually people identify mostly with their will and therefore with their accomplishments. So after one year, if you can look back to your life and see how you became stronger, more targeted and healthier, you can be much more optimistic towards your future and much more accepting of your past and your self/ your efforts. Realize that it is hard work to establish these habits, and do never try to built them up all at once, but rather step by step. Don't be to harsh at yourself, give yourself time. At least take a month for each little habit, after you start the next one (like first month establish cold showers, second month establish 10min stretching at the morning, 3rd month 10 mins jogging on top of it, 4th month do without sugar-drinks and so on, maintain these habits every day since establishing -> that's already a lot!!! maybe take smaller steps, everyone has a different pace, find out which speed works  best for you). You will see how much accumulates within a year or two. Apart from these habits which make you become aware of your self-efficacy you can do self-love meditations, breathing consciously etc...

...And which is also more than powerful: Spread love!! To gain love, the most powerful method is to spread it! If you see yourself making people around you happy, nothing can make you more satisfied! Start with the forum, appreciate peoples comments, tell them nice things. Then step outside your comfort zone and face your fears, give people around you compliments, tell your friends/family why and how much you appreciate them, try to be grateful for the things you have but you got so used to that you didn't recognize them. When you become a love-spreader, you will realize how much worth your life is, that you can influence so many lives in a positive way, even though you may have made a lot of mistakes in the past.

So if you stick to this, which is some effort but makeable if you plan it right, if you don't take on too much, you will become slowly a person which can be really satisfied with your self. You will see your positive impact on others and yourself, you will receive gratifiying feedback after some time and you will become healthier physically and mentally.
Right now you may struggle to belief that you can make it. So just start with one thing, like cold showers. Every day meditate for 5 mins afterwards and be happy about yourself that you did it. You need a mindset of self-efficacy, realizing that you can change yourself, that you can change life in apositive way. Maybe add some visualization techniques on top of that. View yourself some years ahead, when you established these habits already succesfully in your life. View yourself as if you already accomplished your goals. Feel the gratitude, the satisfaction, the self-esteem of the person you want to become. But always stick to your plans! That's why you need to take step by step and take time for it, if you started cold-showering, you must continue no matter what (exept health problems of course)!
Also, plan really well! write down the habits and accomplishments that make you proud of yourself. Become aware of the progress you made! You may already have some things to be proud of, embrace them!

You need to build up your self-esteem and self-efficacy to become more and more satisfied with yourself. This grows your self-love which will change the past in retrospect. Once you arrive at a point where you are much more content with yourself, you will look back to the so called "wasted years" and see that it all was a necessary part of your journey. You will see that nothing was wasted, it was only your self-hating mind that twisted your perception of your past. These years were necessary to grow the discontent within yourself to make you step outside your comfort zone, to strive towards the higher truth, to explore nonduality and so on. It was a kick in the butt to wake you up. If you were happy all the time you'd never searched for more, so thanks to your suffering you turned back in order to return to god, not running blindly into samsara.

So many people in this world drag other people down, trying to look better. Like holes trying to suck in every love they can. You can be different! Even though you may struggle with self-love, there are probably people you apreciate a lot, and maybe the saleswoman smiles at you and makes your day better. Tell them how you feel about them in their presence. It may be difficult in the beginning, but every little step is fine. Start with your family. Try to feel gratitude. Tell them about it. Everyone can do it, but most don't. If you do it, you will be much more self-loving. You will see what a wonderful, perfect vehicle you can be for spreading love, for making people happy! You will love yourself because you can watch yourself becoming more and more loving towards others, and this is why we all are here. When you fullfill this purpose, self-love will drown you in extasy.

[deso]

@seeking_brilliance not everybody is made for living on a farm or being a monk.

I asked for advice. Because i have no reason to carry on.

 

 

@Member This is no “ooohhh I feel so miserable, my brother stole my 5$ plastic car from me maaa’am”.

[seeking_brilliance]

@deso OK, so let's start. Check your experience right now. What emotion are you feeling right now, and what specifically do you think it's linked to?  Is this your baseline emotion for the typical day? If not, what is your typical baseline emotion? And let's not refer to your original post. Just answer the question(s) anew as if you haven't told us anything yet. 

[OBEler]

@deso sounds hard, But hey, your life is not damaged beyound repair. Look what you can learn from it instead and become more human.

You are very self reflective for your age, thats good. The older you get, the better life will be

 

 

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