If I am all that exists, isnt Silence the only response

[naanu]

If I am all that exist, silence seems like the only way to be. There isnt anyone else to communicate. There is no other. Leo is teaching to nudge me to this truth. There is no leo other than me. Leo is me trying to slowly ease me into this truth, coz I am shit scared of facing this truth all at once. 

The only time I felt happy and ecstatic about this 'I am the only being' is when it dawned on me when I first took ayahuasca. I went and told my spiritual guide 'You are me' and laughed. I remember not meaning it in a 'we both are similar or we both are human' way. I meant literally 'you ARE me' or more clearly, you are in my imagination and is a way of me helping me to see this truth. You are my arunachala.  

Then I went and laid on my bed. For rest of that night and ever since then this has been anything but ecstatic for me. It is terrifying and in all my future ayahuasca (or marijuana) experiences this has come up, it feels very scary, and boring. Oh my god, how boring is it that I am the only being out there with nothingness for ever. It is so disheartening to know that I wont get to see my son "really" grow up because he doesnt really exist and is only there as my imagination. My wife and my kids and my parents and this small life of mine (which seems imaginary in that now), however petty seems much more worthy and interesting. Is that my ego resisting its death? But it has a point, doesnt it? How can I prefer nothingness over beautiful something.

At first I thought I was somehow deluded and that my mind had made up this 'I am the only being, everything is my imagination' stuff and its not really true. So I didnt talk about this with my guide or fellow explorers. When everyone was talking about bathing in love, boring meaningless and terrifying didnt seem like the right answer. My mind is definitely tricking me is what I thought. 

But the seed was planted and as years go by I cant dismiss it easily. Its like a creeper that slowly grows on you. Leo is watering that creeper to make things complicated

Why did the same "truth" seem so refreshing and liberating at first and is terrifying later? If it is true, who am i even writing this to? Is existence masturbation - Just pleasuring oneself endlessly. Coz what else is there to do? Just forget the truth, keep deluding yourself and enjoy the pleasure and pain.

My previous materialist rational self would have explained this as 'delusion caused by ingesting hallucinogen and going crazy as the mind entertains crazy self referencing ideas that are impossible to prove'. Is that whats happening?  

Edited July 14, 2020 by naanu
fix grammar in title

[commie]

My answer was lost when the post was moved. So here's a shorter but less gentle version: obviously everything is in your imagination but the trouble is that you're saying things like 'I am the only being' instead of being silent.

38 minutes ago, naanu said:

At first I thought I was somehow deluded and that my mind had made up this 'I am the only being, everything is my imagination' stuff and its not really true.

Connecting the two statements creates a bit of a problem. Do they come from the same place? Maybe if you worked out what you meant with that innocuous-looking comma, you'd see that can't be true.

[Leo Gura]

53 minutes ago, naanu said:

If I am all that exist, silence seems like the only way to be.

No, you can yell from the mountaintops all you want.

You can't derive an ought from an is.

Do whatever the fuck you want. Enjoy your dream. Being silent isn't necessary at all.

Quote

There isnt anyone else to communicate.

There is you! You can communicate with yourself. What more do you want?

Stop acting like life isn't awesome.

[zeroISinfinity]

Life is awesome. 10 points from grandpa. I am so happy and greatful. ?

Saving your ass with it ya know. Love of God brutal sometimes (that brutal he never met my mother ?). 

Don't connect him with her he will learn what works on you. Oh no pls not again. 

[naanu]

17 hours ago, commie said:

Connecting the two statements creates a bit of a problem. Do they come from the same place? Maybe if you worked out what you meant with that innocuous-looking comma, you'd see that can't be true.

Thank you for your response. I will have to meditate on what you said to see if it clicks.

[naanu]

17 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Stop acting like life isn't awesome.

Guess i needed to hear that. Thank you Leo