Not sure what happened and if I did right

[28 cm unbuffed]

So, you guys are probably familiar with a concept of karma. When you do "bad" stuff, it will stay in your subconscious, your conscience, that you did that and you will eventually try to punish yourself for that. 

In my case, it was something like Leo describes it in one of his videos, he named it as "Mahasamadhi experience" - the moment, when you are given a choice to die, and it's something you know, you should do and it would benefit world on a larger scale, let's call it to sacrifice for the greater good. I was given this kind of choice too. 

I'm free from "bad karma", from the past, I feel that and I can experience that in my life. Yet - there is still this thing in the back of my mind, that I should've sacrificed myself, and, according to the larger-scale look at the world, I did the "bad thing", because I chose myself, over the whole.

I don't want the story to repeat itself, I try my best to do my daily chores, be a good person, etc., yet, this idea is still haunting me. "I'm a bad guy, I chose evil. I chose my own life over others", etc. 

And yeah, I know, there is no good or bad, it's not something, that I'm asking for here. 

I feel like Frodo, after making all of his journey to Mordor, making all of these sacrifices, winning battles, defeating evil aka ego one time after the other, yet, when I was given a choice to die (I had no idea what would happen, yet, I felt, it's the right thing to do, to go in and confront my fear of death), I chickened out, I took a fucking ring and put in on my finger, got my price of clearing myself of the karma and run away with the "treasure".

I have no idea what to do to live with it. I can't really talk with anyone about that, even with therapist, who would fucking believe me, that I got enlightenment in my hand, and yet I chose my carnal desires. It's a huge burden and I think about it every day. 

I know, that the best thing to do here would be making something good, that would really benefit the world, like a business, YouTube channel, etc. Yet - I feel like it's just something I would do to get my soul back, not really something for the world - still an ego-driven thing.

I'm trapped, I'm tired, I have no idea what to do, kill myself? No matter what I do, and how hard I work, it's haunting me. 
I thought, maybe it's an impostor syndrome and I did nothing bad. And maybe it is. Yet - how can i "cure" that? Please help.

[allislove]

Feel you bro and wish you all the best ?

I think making something good for no reason is really good idea. Start small. What if you make a present to somebody, with no idea to get anything in return? Or just hug somebody you was making boundaries with? Or just say appreciation to somebody with no expectations? 

And know, you are loved as you are. 

 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@belen

For the, let's say 20 years of my life I was really egotistic and narcissistic, my life started to collapse really fast after. I had no idea, what I was doing, to be honest, I didn't know any better. At like 26 I hit rock bottom, and I got interested in self-development. I got sucked in, learned a lot, still ego-based, but I learned more and more, about how being selfless is actually a better thing.

I did a couple of psychedelic trips, last of them, really huge, "heroic" (12 g of dried mushrooms) and it sped up my process. But there was a lot of suffering involved. My friend turned out to be a psychopath and a girl that I was meeting a whore, literally. And all of that was my karma, so you can imagine who I was before that, and how I hated myself to get into this kind of situation. 

So, here I am, in the middle, all of my friends are narcissists, my best friend is a psychopath, and a girl that I was hanging out with is a whore. Jesus Christ reincarnated, suffering level over 9000. And I know that she's a whore, and I know that her ex-boyfriend knows that, yet he wants me to suffer and that he is jealous of me. I can't prove that though. 

My intuitions told me, that I should fight him, but rationally speaking, I had no idea if he will tell the truth or not, I just didn't know. 

My intuition scenario was that I will fucking die there, and somehow sacrifice myself for "their sins" there. 

I think in Leo's case it was that he will die in a bathtub, but that will make him somehow "famous", people will hear about him and his work will get to more people, it will benefit the world on a larger scale. 

 

 

[traveler]

The one who made this topic is not the "one" who got the choice to die. You had no control, you have no control. You did not chicken out, it might have been interpreted that way, but that is just an interpretation of fuck all. Yeah it is fuck all, because wtf do you know about anything? You're not as important as you think, and yet I should be careful of what I write here, but there is no world for you to save and there is no one out "there" waiting for you to save them. When I had a mystical fractal weird ass mahasamadhi hankaradadakarlagimarakadilagiraki experience I fucking begged God to fucking take me, I wanted him to fuck me for ever, and he did but then it felt like I pulled myself back here on the "physical" plane, now he stopped fucking me but started fucking me over by making me think I had something to do with the fucking. Goddammit searched for that shit and was in my fucking head for a year or two looking for absolutely nothing. 

Edit: jeez, just read this over again, take this with a grain of salt. 

Edited July 12, 2020 by traveler

[Artsu]

1 hour ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

@belen

My intuitions told me, that I should fight him, but rationally speaking, I had no idea if he will tell the truth or not, I just didn't know. 

My intuition scenario was that I will fucking die there, and somehow sacrifice myself for "their sins" there.

This is what you're worried about? No offense, but it sounds kinda ridiculous.

Maybe you feel that you let yourself down, but just move through this. Let it go, move on. There is plenty more work to do.

You haven't made a colossal mistake, there is no reason to die.

Be free of this torment!

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Artsu

I felt that I'm betraying myself, because, my whole life I was against carnal desires, chasing money, women, career, "shallow" stuff. And this event made me realize, that I'm not that "saint", I am not able to die for Truth and it's not my highest motive - if it really was I wouldn't stay alive and just die for Truth, for the greater good, whatever. Big spiritual ego. I just hated this stuff, because that was something, that my mother was always forcing me to focus on, that I am too much in the clouds, disconnected from reality, not grounded, you get it. I hate my mother, that's why I hated these things, simple. But in the moment it felt like selling my soul to a devil, part of a shadow integration process I think.

[Member]

18 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

I think in Leo's case it was that he will die in a bathtub, but that will make him somehow "famous", people will hear about him and his work will get to more people, it will benefit the world on a larger scale.

Wut? Where did you hear or read that?

30 minutes ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

I felt that I'm betraying myself, because, my whole life I was against carnal desires, chasing money, women, career, "shallow" stuff. And this event made me realize, that I'm not that "saint", I am not able to die for Truth and it's not my highest motive - if it really was I wouldn't stay alive and just die for Truth, for the greater good, whatever.

Dud, you don't have to die for Truth and there is a huge difference between ego and Self. That's why I don't like people saying that we're nothing, I can clearly see why this pov is damaging to one's self. You can focus on doing what you like for your own survival, that's not fucking ego. Drop this emo kid mindset

 

Edited July 13, 2020 by Member

[28 cm unbuffed]

 

 

 

 

1 minute ago, Member said:

Wut? Where did you hear or read that

 

In his video: 

I interpreted it my way, which of course might be false, maybe that's just my fucked up fantasy. What is true for sure, that he was going to die and he didn't choose to "do it", because he was watching photos of girls, masturbating. 

 

[Member]

@28 cm unbuffed

Not sure if I understand mahasamadhi but it doesn't sound like suicide or killing yourself.

I found the interpretation here enlightening:

https://isha.sadhguru.org/in/en/wisdom/sadhguru-spot/mahasamadhi
 

Quote

Mahasamadhi is not a gift or a prize to be attained. Mahasamadhi is not a way to end life because there is suffering, because there is an ailment, because you are not able to do a certain thing, because something has become painful. Ending life is called suicide; it is not called Mahasamadhi. 

Do not seek Mahasamadhi as an end to your suffering. To seek Mahasamadhi means to see how to evolve life to another dimension. To seek Mahasamadhi means you have fallen so deeply in love with life, now you want to know the root of it. You have experienced life in its full depth, now you want to know the dimensions of life.

But honestly, it's beyond my understanding why would someone be so apathetic about life. It's so much to explore imo.

Also, it seems that there are many types of samadhi:

https://isha.sadhguru.org/in/en/wisdom/article/samadhi-to-go-beyond-existence

And from my perspective, it's not egoistic to pursue your goals in order to advance further in life or acquire higher levels of consciousness. But thinking that you're enlightened and there's nothing to do here, or wanting to become free from suffering sounds like an ego trap.

Edited July 13, 2020 by Member