Tips appreciated with a problem in a relationship

[Lurtsi]

I've been in a relationship for one and a half years now and it's been great. We both meditate and are interested in mostly same things and share values. Our personalities are a bit different but balance each other out pretty well. She's a masculine kinda woman and I'm a man leaning more towards the feminine. We also rarely have any quarrels and when we do, we really talk about it and dig deep into our feelings and thoughts about it. In fact, we are very open about everything and often talk casually about deep personal things, analyzing our thought- and behavior patterns. We live in separate cities but I visit her often and sometimes can live with her up to month at a time.

Lately, however, there's a problem that's come up in our dynamic. In a nutshellit goes like this: She's really development oriented so she's always looking for things to improve in me and in herself likewise. She tells me with good intention about something she would like me to do differently or kindly remarks me of unfriendly words or some little things I could improve on. Then I either get defensive and deny it or downplay what I said/did and feel bad about being "bad", or "stupid", or "mean". Nowadays when I arrive in her town and I'm getting ready to see her I get this feeling of insecurity and my self esteem and self worth drop. I'm getting ready to be critizised and due to that I'm mentally preparing myself for a fight so I'm already a little bit on the edge before meeting her. Then, when we meet, I'm already in a low-consciousness state and she senses it and tells me about it, again with good intention. But in that mindstate it's hard for me to take it well and usually I end up feeling even worse. We also talked about it alot a few days ago and now even if she doesn't give me remarks about my unconscious behaviour, I get into a low-conscious state because I've created this new identity around her in which I feel bad about many things I do. And those I do exactly because I presume she sees me like that and she's gonna critisize me! So it' a loop, a self fulfilling prophecy.

There are few things I've observed about the situation:
1. I have a tendency to adjust my "output" depending on who I am with, a certain lack of self esteem, which I'm working on. This situation, I think, is part of it. I've created this new identity around her, which I already talked about.
2. It is also partly the usual, when people in relationship start living together (we've been living together more frequently in the spring and summer) it gets harder and some friction between you often comes up.

So finally, let's get to the point ? What should we so about this? It's quite a new phenomena and we'd like to snip it at the bud so to speak. Today as I was meditating and the situation came to my mind, it seemed to me that a good approach would be no approach. Since the thing began from her directing her hard development drive to me (of course it is related to my self esteem, which is an older story), it seems that easing on the self development might help for now. Often things work paradoxically, as it it's said the only thing preventing enlightenment is the search for enlightenment! I think that if we keep loving each other and both focus on ourselfs as insividuals, while accepting each others' flaws might ease out the stress on me. And maybe that would give me the room to develop and be better at receiving criticism.

Okay that's the story, I would appreciate any tips if you have had similar experiences! And also if you don't, anyone might have valuable things to say! Thank you for reading ?

[Roy]

34 minutes ago, Lurtsi said:

So finally, let's get to the point ? What should we so about this?

My partner and I have had a very similar experience, except it was me doing the pointing out not the other way around like your case.

You don't need to do anything. What she needs to do is take a step back and let you worry about your own development. So explain this to her and ask her nicely. If she's truly mature she'll understand.

People need to go at their own pace, and for a relationship to work successfully you need to have the space to be individuals without the other person butting their head in too much.

[Lurtsi]

On 11.7.2020 at 10:19 PM, Roy said:

My partner and I have had a very similar experience, except it was me doing the pointing out not the other way around like your case.

You don't need to do anything. What she needs to do is take a step back and let you worry about your own development. So explain this to her and ask her nicely. If she's truly mature she'll understand.

People need to go at their own pace, and for a relationship to work successfully you need to have the space to be individuals without the other person butting their head in too much.

Thank you for the reply! This is what I've been thinking and we've discussed it for a little bit too. I guess we'll give it a real try next.