Can a men change to become physically attracted to a girl?

[Vercingetorix]

My ex-girlfriend whom I still live with, truly believes that If I truly loved her, it won't matter that I'm not so much attracted to her.

I believe her that she really believes this and that she is accepting me 100% with all my flaws. But I don't feel that I can do the same, I can "accept how she looks" - it seems like a core issue.

 To me, it just doesn't seem to work, no matter how much I love her as a person, that I feel a deep connection with her, and can tell her anything, I just don't feel attracted to her even though that she is a pretty girl, she just doesn't do it to me. I feel no passion/romantic love to her (unless drugs or if I wake up in the middle of the night for some reason).
Also, we gave great sex - and I enjoy it when we have it, now we rarely do it because I feel I have to force myself a little bit to do it, even If I know that I will enjoy it later. 
I think that the root of it is that when I look at her for real close, while having sex, I don't feel attracted to her face?
And also maybe because sometimes she threatens me and beat me I feel that I can't really trust her.

SO I would like to know - did any men here had the experience of becoming attracted to a girl that previously were not attracted to?

BTW when I started to date her I felt attracted but it was "needy attraction" not from "choice".

 

[egoeimai]

I'm not a man, but it works for everyone. You can't force this. It's coming naturally. So the answer is no. No matter what u do you can't become attracted to her.

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:

I just don't feel attracted to her even though that she is a pretty girl, she just doesn't do it to me.

There's no solution to this other than finding another girl.

Attraction is not a conscious choice. You do not choose what you get attracted to.

She herself cannot satisfy her own standards for you. She will certainly not be turned on by any random guy.

It's your responsibility as a man to screen girls hard right off the bat to meet your attractiveness standards. Stop settling for mediocre girls. By not screening harder you are doing a disservice to the girl, since you won't be passionate about her.

[Roy]

2 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:

My ex-girlfriend whom I still live with, truly believes that If I truly loved her, it won't matter that I'm not so much attracted to her.

Because she is selfish. Just by what you're saying here she's only oriented to worrying about what she is getting, not what you are. Which is the opposite of a what a relationship needs to work.

2 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:

 To me, it just doesn't seem to work, no matter how much I love her as a person, that I feel a deep connection with her, and can tell her anything, I just don't feel attracted to her even though that she is a pretty girl, she just doesn't do it to me.

Preferences could change over time, but it could take many many years. There is also no guarantees. If you aren't attracted to her now, you probably never will be, sorry.

2 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:

because I feel I have to force myself a little bit to do it

Huge red flag. Not even a red flag, a fucking nuclear siren.

2 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:

And also maybe because sometimes she threatens me and beat me I feel that I can't really trust her.

I'm not sure if maybe English isn't your first language. Are you literally saying she threatens and beats/hits you @Vercingetorix?

[mandyjw]

Attraction is a living breathing thing, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Attraction to a person or thing can be conditioned or conditioned out of you. 

If there's physical abuse there might be a deep reason behind this feeling that has nothing to do with her looks. 

[mandyjw]

11 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Stop settling for mediocre girls.

I can't help but wonder... is your real objective to make sure our overpopulation problem gets solved? 

[Vercingetorix]

@Leo Gura that's also what my intuition tells me

@egoeimai If most women are mostly attracted to character and character can be changed pretty fast, it means that for a woman it can happen

@Roy exactly, sometimes she threatens to throw my books/break my stuff/destroy my notebooks.
and sometimes she hits me 

Edited July 9, 2020 by Vercingetorix

[Vercingetorix]

@mandyjw she doesn't believe me that I'm not attracted to. she doesn't think it's possible because she would "do anything for me" and because most people find her attractive.

[egoeimai]

@Vercingetorix I believe girls can fall in love and be attracted to the guys who treat them nicely etc etc but it's not all about that. Not only about character. The first time you see someone, you know, you actually can "decide" in a few seconds. Lol if it's gonna make you feel good, you want it and you gonna know from the first seconds. If you doubt it then it's not for you. It's the truth and it's difficult to accept sometimes but it's true.

[Amit]

you have to fake it if you want your dick wet, otherwise it's just needy attraction.

 

Edited July 9, 2020 by Amit
add

[Raze]

Do you watch porn? If you do stop, and try no fap. 

[Roy]

@Vercingetorix Yea man idk if you came here to try to get back together cause you mentioned she is your ex, but from what you've said so far the best thing for you is to move out/or kick her out and cut all financial ties and communication, ASAP.

Also please 100% start (secretly) recording and saving any abusive texts/threats or video evidence of her hitting you or breaking your things. You need to be legally covered encase she goes ballistic or tries to blackmail you with a sexual assault charge or anything like that when you try to leave her. I know it might not be how you view her now, but do not underestimate what people are capable of. She has already proven she's willing to cross physical boundaries, so pretty much everything is on the table now.

If you have any self-respect you should have a zero tolerance policy for that kind of behavior in all relationships. You deserve better mate, fucking treat yourself like it! Don't let her gaslight you into thinking you need to "try harder" to love her or be attracted to her or any bullshit like that.

I know it will be painful, but it's gotta happen. This is not salvageable.

You don't need to change yourself, you have to change the kind of people you pursue like Leo said.

Edited July 9, 2020 by Roy

[Vercingetorix]

@egoeimai thanks I think I agree

@Amit you are lost on me


@Raze I do not watch porn. I do masturbate 2-3  times a week though 

@Roy Thanks for the care 
basically I agree with you and see this pretty clearly now.

The reason I tolerate the violence and the threatening is that I kind of enjoy the process - it makes me feel alive and at the moment, it's a great opportunity for me to observer myself, to see how I am identified with my thoughts and to break the identification, to practice different kind of techniques I learnt to deal with tough situations, to gain experience in such situations so that I could help my clients (coaching/therapy) later.
to try to see if I cad do anything to let her see the situation more objectively.

 For example, I try to see if when I manage to stay 100% compassionate (to myself and to her), calm, honest, not judgmental - will she still be able to hurt me (sadly yes but it's really minimal).

Also, I try to see everything that happens in my life as 100% MY responsibility, so I kind of focus on what I can do different and better that such a thing won't happen again? 

In addition, if she hits me really hard, I do not tolerate it and strike back.

But I understood that I won't tolerate it anymore and in fact, we just had a talk now and It looks like she kind of get it.
I told her that I feel afraid to be with her and can't trust her, and made it clear that if she threatens me again or hit me - I will call the police. She says that she gonna find another place to leave (not the first time though, every time I hint on separation she cries how much she want to stay with me as a friend).

I find it amazing that with a person that most of the time I am best friends with and feel 100% safe and loved, suddenly it changes 180 degrees and I'm don't feel safe with. And to think that the root of this behaviour is that she is "in love" with me.


 

[Roy]

13 minutes ago, Vercingetorix said:

I find it amazing that with a person that most of the time I am best friends with and feel 100% safe and loved, suddenly it changes 180 degrees and I'm don't feel safe with. And to think that the root of this behaviour is that she is "in love" with me.

It's an example of extreme attachment and fear on her half. Her ego loves it when things are going great and peachy, and then when she loses control or there is a bit of turmoil/conflict she uses any means at her disposal to hold on, including violence in this case.

Anyways I'm glad there seems to be an understanding on her part. Remember, don't buckle or cave if she comes crying and begging to stay. It's key in those moments not to get lost in past emotions but to be imagining the future healthier you. Easier said than done, obviously.

Good luck hope things turn out well for you.

[Natasha]

8 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:

sometimes she threatens me and beat me I feel that I can't really trust her

Here's your answer. Find a woman you can trust.

[flowboy]

13 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:

practice different kind of techniques I learnt to deal with tough situations, to gain experience in such situations so that I could help my clients (coaching/therapy) later.

A very common thing that therapy clients need to learn is valueing themselves and putting up healthy boundaries - and currently you are failing to do so.

[Vercingetorix]

@flowboy I assume you mean therpiests and not therapy clients. I'm sure you are right, I just  don't see the connection, she is not my client. how am I failing exactly?

[flowboy]

@Vercingetorix  No, I mean what I said. You can't teach what you don't master. See what I'm saying?

As a therapist you have to be able to teach people how to have healthy boundaries and value themselves.

But you yourself don't have them, or you would not be in this relationship. If you had healthy self-esteem, you wouldn't waste your time with a girl you weren't attracted to, and if you had healthy boundaries, she would have been out the door the first time she hit you.

I have read your rationalisations for staying, and I call bullshit on them. You are just scared of being on your own again, or secretly think you don't deserve better.

It's okay, you are human. I'm not judging nor trying to be mean.

But these are the problems that a large chunk of people go to therapy for to fix.

My point is that for the sake of not just you but also your clients, it is imperative that you do the work on yourself to the point where this situation could never happen again.

So that then you can pass on this wisdom, from a place of having been there and overcome.

 

(If I totally misread the situation and you are actually a physical therapist, or some other specialty where this doesn't apply, I apologize for my harshness - I took a shot)

Edited July 10, 2020 by flowboy

[Raze]

37 minutes ago, Vercingetorix said:

@flowboy I assume you mean therpiests and not therapy clients. I'm sure you are right, I just  don't see the connection, she is not my client. how am I failing exactly?

you should break up with her and get therapy to learn why you value yourself so little you're staying with someone who hits you.

 

[Vercingetorix]

@flowboy @flowboy @flowboy 

you are right ????