Was I close to an Awakening ? (Mind Blown)

[Nick_98]

I am a newbie, and I don't know what to say. I have never believed that what was on actualized.org was true, or what any other spiritual teacher has ever said. So I had to verify it for myself. I would use a question format here. 

Why Am I making this post ?

I need someone to integrate what happened to me, because I can't seem to integrate it myself .

What happened to me  ?

I was sitting at my room contemplating who am I ? in the dark. It was the closest direct experience I have ever had. I remember I've lost my sense of self. I've said " Who am I ?" "I have lost my sense of self" I repeated it a couple of times then..Boom.. My whole body was vibrating like crazy, I had an urge to vomit. And I felt like I was nearly dying. There was three feelings involved : Scared , Excited that this could be what people call an awakening, Worried if someone of my parent entered the room or if am i going to have a panic attack. It was kind like an horror movie, like when the actress has the devil come from her stomach ,through her mouth to the outside . 

What happened after that ?

I remember there was a sense of worry that it might be a panic attack. My ego took over and the experience has ended. ( I don't know if that's true, this is basically why I am making this post )

Where you more conscious during the experience ? 

Weird as it sound, I actually felt less conscious when my body has started to vibrate. I didn't took another form or had any non dual insight after the fact. The only thing I can assure you has happened was "My sense of self has dissolved" "My body was nearly vomiting and was all vibrating". 

What is that ? Is this close to an awakening ? What happened in there ?

Guys.. I don't know what to say. I remember saying to myself after the fact, What the f**? This whole stuff about spiritual work is true ? , and laughed hysterically.

 

 

Edited July 9, 2020 by Nick_98

[Leo Gura]

Sounds like you were approaching some breakthrough but the ego-mind recoiled in horror.

Very common.

Keep at it.

[cetus]

Your work is paying off and so close to a breakthrough but what your missing now is the total surrender or cessation of the self. Surrender is key.

[Nick_98]

34 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Sounds like you were approaching some breakthrough but the ego-mind recoiled in horror.

Very common.

Keep at it.

Are you talking to yourself Leo ?  Thanks for integrating man.. The day I awaken I will send you $

[Nick_98]

3 minutes ago, cetus said:

Your work is paying off and so close to a breakthrough but what your missing now is the total surrender or cessation of the self. Surrender is key.

I thought it too, Thanks for integrating 

[Inliytened1]

8 hours ago, Nick_98 said:

Guys.. I don't know what to say. I remember saying to myself after the fact, What the f**? This whole stuff about spiritual work is true ? , and laughed hysterically.

That is one of the biggest mindfucks you can have

Agree with the others, you were close.  Gotta catch the ego by surprise

 

[An young being]

9 hours ago, Nick_98 said:

I am a newbie, and I don't know what to say. I have never believed that what was on actualized.org was true, or what any other spiritual teacher has ever said. So I had to verify it for myself. I would use a question format here. 

Why Am I making this post ?

I need someone to integrate what happened to me, because I can't seem to integrate it myself .

What happened to me  ?

I was sitting at my room contemplating who am I ? in the dark. It was the closest direct experience I have ever had. I remember I've lost my sense of self. I've said " Who am I ?" "I have lost my sense of self" I repeated it a couple of times then..Boom.. My whole body was vibrating like crazy, I had an urge to vomit. And I felt like I was nearly dying. There was three feelings involved : Scared , Excited that this could be what people call an awakening, Worried if someone of my parent entered the room or if am i going to have a panic attack. It was kind like an horror movie, like when the actress has the devil come from her stomach ,through her mouth to the outside . 

What happened after that ?

I remember there was a sense of worry that it might be a panic attack. My ego took over and the experience has ended. ( I don't know if that's true, this is basically why I am making this post )

Where you more conscious during the experience ? 

Weird as it sound, I actually felt less conscious when my body has started to vibrate. I didn't took another form or had any non dual insight after the fact. The only thing I can assure you has happened was "My sense of self has dissolved" "My body was nearly vomiting and was all vibrating". 

What is that ? Is this close to an awakening ? What happened in there ?

Guys.. I don't know what to say. I remember saying to myself after the fact, What the f**? This whole stuff about spiritual work is true ? , and laughed hysterically.

 

 

Just yesterday and the day before, I did this before sleeping and had a similar experience like you had said, energy filling the whole body, but it lasted only momentarily. I was trying to not think about it, I know that's why it disappeared, but I am sure it can be extended by constant practice. But I didn't feel excited at all, I am like a guy who doesn't get much excited or fearful even if you tell that I am already dead. The main challenge I believe is integrating what had happened with your intellectual mind and come to a conclusion.

[peanutspathtotruth]

@Nick_98 It might be helpful to know that these reactions are really ingrained in your body and your psyche. There are tons of layers of defenses that try to keep you away from seeing the truth. So never feel bad about reacting like that. I've been doing this work for a very long time, and often times when I glimpse a certain realization, my whole body just contracts and my mind screams "NO!". It's not like you can control it, for who is there to control what?

As @cetus said, it is about surrender. Maybe it helps to know that what we are all basically doing here is learning to allow the truth without fighting so hard. That can take (a lot of) time. Keep going, what you experienced is a good sign  

[Nick_98]

@peanutspathtotruth @Inliytened1 @cetus @Leo Gura

Tonight I have the same exact experience of yesterday's post. Same vibrations/urge to vomit ,probably a little bit stronger ( can't tell because I'm beginning to get used to it ). But this time it has extended for a longer period as I was surrendering , the ego came back from the back seat to the driver seat, and the experience has ended,the same way it happened yesterday.  

Frustrated , so frustrated.. I may need advice from you folks. 

At this point , I would probably keep going. The thing is , it could be really counter-intuitive to do something. Literally ,anything that could be done is a distraction to the destination. Clueless. 

Edited July 10, 2020 by Nick_98

[meow_meow]

Yes, I recently had a similar experience while doing self-inquiry, after ~20mins I finally got out of the questioning zone and into just "looking" state and for some reason my brain came up with a visualization of me sitting where I was sitting but I had no identity whatsoever, just a pieace of meat, with a brain and psyche, but no "I or me" feeling attached to me. I got so freaked out and scared that I for the first time interrupted self-inquiring.. Couldnt really sleep for the following few days. 

But something changes after these experiences, IMO you sorta leveled up.