Fear and worry that life will get worse in the future

[Firebird]

I am 24 years old and I live in Serbia.

I have no qualifications other than high school which I was forced into by the system against my will and for which there arent any jobs. I live with mother who is chronically unemployed. I am autistic, I have chronic back pain and I fear chronic unemployment and chronic back pain. I feel like dignity has been taken away from me because I cant have a job. My Aspergers makes it very harder for me to get a job. If I dont have food, a roof atop my head, I will be forced to commit suicide.

I lost completely faith in myself because I need proof that I am capable of something. I still have hope and dreams but I fear and worry that they may never be realized, such as writing a book, or learning a instrument, due to the lack of money.

Ego death (enlightenment), hope and a sense of meaning in life is what prevented me from commiting suicide.

I have worry and fear almost everyday on the following things:

1. That my chronic back pain will get worse in the future and that my chronic pain will get very severe when I get old

2. That my chronic pain gets in the way of getting and keeping a job, a physically demanding job would harm my untreated spine

3. That I wont ever have a good life or moments of genuine happiness and that the only thing that os guaranteed is more pain and suffering in all aspects of life.

4. That everything I do is condemned to failure and that resistance is futile

5. That I will be unemployed, possibly homeless and starve. If I starve I might be forced to commit suicide because the skinnier i am the more spine is weak and chronic pain would be stronger.

6. That I will suffer physically and mentally in the future because I need money for so many things, like a MR scan or a sport.

7. I fear that wage slavery for the rest of my life will break me physically and emotionally. And I am right. I would rather die than be somebody's slave forever

8. Precariousness and underemployment, making too little money

9. That I will achieve nothing of sigbificance in life. Its pathetic that everything in the world is dependent on a artificial ugly thing we call money. Even the thought of killing myself due to not having money seems pathetic to me, however justifiable it may be.

I have lost courage and faith in myself.

All I ever wanted is to have a normal life, but I got a weird and cursed. I always thought of myself like other people until other people remind me every day that I am not even the same biological species as them (aka Homo Sapiens). Humanity is overrated.

How do I live like I am going to die tomorrow (in a stoic positive way) so that I will have courage to face challenges in the future and not give into hopelessness and helplessness?

I know life is unfair, but society is inhumanely more unfair to those who have a hidden disability (like Aspergers and chronic back pain). I say its inhumane because I didnt ask to be born autistic while most other people can enjoy their selfish neurotypical lives. The most incomprehensible thing about being autistic is how other people don't even treat you as a human being, you cannot get anymore inhumane than that. I recognize that humans are social beings and that work and relationships are a necessary part of life which I am involuntarily deprived of. Postmodern capitalism just seems like it wants to weed out people like me. Before this neoliberal monster and postmodern capitalism, I think autistic people would not stand out as much in unemployment, you would do your job as you would have been told to do and there would be no job interview hassle. Just a fucking job. It seems like competition is brutal these days and its 100x more brutal for those who have autism. Im not saying there aren't other young guys struggling to get a job but they are at unfair advantage over autistic people. It seems that seeking a job through HR managers and job interviews is a suicide mission because of EQ and qualifications, so there needs to be some other solution. I shouldnt try to play by the rules of the system. How do I get a job? Leo has said that in order to escape wage slavery you need to become creative. I have creative interests like writing and music but I doubt in my abilities to produce and provide something valuable and creative, i dont even have the money to buy a musical instrument.

And the main question. What can make me stop worrying and fearing the future?

Edited July 7, 2020 by Firebird

[Xochiquetzal]

If your pain becomes too unbearable, you should ask your doctor for stronger painkiller, if you feel ashamed about it, I think you shouldn't . Modern medicine allows us lots of painkillers .

Regarding you autism and how hard it is to find a job, I feel you, Neoliberalism sucks out humanity out of us and forces everyone to conform in order to sell its workforce . The is no room for different people in their world .

Can't you have financial compensation for your health issues, I mean, your State does not give you any money because you can't work ?

Your value should never be defined by your job, we must stop believing this bullshit . You can do Wonderfull things if you are unemployed and have enough money to live . You are so much more than a job . You should hate those who oppress you but you have no reason to feel self hatred or shame .

 

[VerballyHazardous]

I deeply empathise with your struggle and i think you are a strong person for going through all of that pain and insults. This won't relieves you of the horror of human society, but please keep in mind:

The world is always changing in radical ways.

[kagaria]

If you want to live a good life, take up the idea of becoming a spiritual warrior really seriously. Fight for the truth everyday. Not everly self-proclaimed truth seeker and one who is familiar with enlightenment actually does this work for the rest of their life because the struggle is too real. The resistance and all the mind storm that gets in a way, saying 'I'm too weak, I can't do that', 'I wish I was never born', 'I am such a waste of time and space', 'I didn't ask to be born' or 'the world is unfair' - (which is kind of true, but bear with me). I know what I'm talking about because I go through this storm every single day.

Sometimes one cannot sit and meditate because the pain is too unbearable and the reason to suffer seems simply insurmountable. 

It also seems like some things are very important in life, such as recognition, social status, money or looks. But soon these things will fade and, in the end, it will be only a matter of how free are you from your mind. How can there be anything permanent? 

Do not give up and fall into an illusion that suicide is a better option. There can't be anything more deluded than that. In short: you'll become a fantom and your pain will be 1000x times worse. The inner work has to be done while the body is alive. 

Your mind is going to try to convince you all of the things that you believe to be true right now, but the thing is that none of that is true. we are designed to be masters over the mind. We must realize the truth that is beyond words.

I like to go and listen to the sound of silence or the peaceful sound of river waves to calm down and heal. I recommend you not to stress over the things you cannot control in life to cherish the miracles around you. ?