Being a slave to my old self and my impulsiveness

[Don Wei]

Hi everybody, I have been doing self improvement for 5 years and i'm now almost 18. I have been improving myself a lot in 2020 specifically, but there is still a big problem that seems almost impossible to overcome. No matter how much information I take in or how much I meditate or work on my purpose I haven't been able to overcome 1 thing. My old impulsive self. Everyday when I wake up I tell my self that this day will be different, that I will finally break my bad habits, lose my addictions and impulses. And often i'm very productive for a few hours in the morning, but then I suddenly get less conscious and get an urge to jog or dance or fight or fap. There is this energy that I feel in my body that I must release somehow. And then I lose control. But that is just one of the problems, other times it feels like games, porn and social media suck me in like gravity and then I feel like I don't have any power over myself. This repeats itself EVERYDAY ! I feel like i'm stuck in some kind of nightmare. Working hard, studying, doing healthy things don't even feel that bad when I get focused, it feels very fulfilling. But I still don't do it everyday the way I want to. I want to wake up everyday at 5 am and do everything thats important for my growth first and then rest for  one or two hours but I have never been able to do that in my life. I never post here, but now I don't know what else to do this is absolute torture.

[Katlicitas]

Well why don't jo go jog, dance, fight or fap then?
Life isn't all about discipline. Don't beat yourself up for enjoying things that aren't productive. Self-development should be pursued because it makes you feel good and fulfilled. A big part of that is also allowing yourself to just be and enjoy the many things life has to offer, even if they don't directly improve your abilities or knowledge.
I feek if you didn't view these activities like videogames as inherently bad, you'd be able to perform them much more consciously. If you notice that you're in the mood to play, take some time out of your day to really enjoy the activity and regain some energy to do the more mentally exhausting things. You aren't a machine.

[Artsu]

Keep in mind the difference between your idealised self and your natural inclinations. Its quite normal at your age to want to be doing way better things with your time but lack the willpower to do it. Over time you will be more comfortable just being you.

[Carl-Richard]

You have to express your energy and exhaust it, not repress it. Whatever you do, do it all the way with your full heart and soul. That is the only way you'll grow. You're young. It's only natural. Go indulge in your urges so much to the point where you're so repulsed by them that you cannot stand them anymore. Then the next time when you're enticed by them, you'll remember where it leads, and then staying on course will be much easier.

Edited July 7, 2020 by Carl-Richard

[Don Wei]

Thanks guys, you guys are right. I should probably be less perfectionistic. And I now remember that spiritual law where you should let things go into the universe. I completely forgot that a couple months ago. I just remembered it a couple of minutes ago

[Nahm]

@Don Wei

You are not a slave.  There is no old & new self. There is no impulsiveness, there are impulses. The self can not be improved upon, behaviors, actions & perspectives can be changed, limiting beliefs can be discarded. Change is accomplished in the tiniest amounts possible. There is no problem. There is nothing to overcome. This day will be this day, and it is perfect however it is. Enjoy it. Spend a quit hour in nature, as the animals about their problems, listen well to what they say. You can not get less conscious. Relax & let go. Everything you are wanting comes from feeling your best - always put that first. There is no control. There is no problem with porn, social media, fapping, etc. Judgmental thoughts about anything don’t feel good. Unity, and perspectives of inclusion are empowering, as the self is the greatest feeling possible and the only source. One ‘thing’ or activity has no more or less power than another. Make a dreamboard. Shift focus from ‘yourself’ & ‘your growth’, to what you want to create. Meditate first thing in the morning. Eat clean. Let thoughts & perspectives which don’t feel good, go, or at the least, recognize the relationship. In other word, the thoughts that don’t feel good, let them go. Choose a better feeling thought, or an activity which you enjoy, that feels good to you. You are whole, complete, and loved more than you know.  

[Don Wei]

@Nahm thank you very much, I never thought about it that way.

[Nahm]

@Don Wei

The changes you desire serve no purpose, but your enjoyment of the experience of them. Now is not a means to a point. It’s the point. Do what you like, change what yo unlike, but slow down, relax, smell the roses, enjoy this. 

[StarStruck]

Whatever you resist persists. You probably noticed that. That is how addictions get worse and worse. 

[Don Wei]

@StarStruck @Nahm ok so if I want to get good grades or a stronger body for example I should enjoy the process to get really good ? It sounds almost like playing a video game. Ypu don't play a video game or watch a movie just to finish it but to enjoy the process.

[StarStruck]

1 minute ago, Don Wei said:

@StarStruck @Nahm ok so if I want to get good grades or a stronger body for example I should enjoy the process to get really good ? It sounds almost like playing a video game. Ypu don't play a video game or watch a movie just to finish it but to enjoy the process.

Try pumping up your energy by thinking positive things and where you want to go, instead of spending that energy on negative things. 

See it like this: there is a positivity tree and a negativity tree. Which tree do you want to grow?

Probably you didn't even think about this and you have been doing things unconscious. By becoming conscious of which plant you water you can create a different garden (your life). 

[Nahm]

34 minutes ago, Don Wei said:

Ypu don't play a video game or watch a movie just to finish it but to enjoy the process.

Yes! Play. You wouldn’t choose a ps1 over a ps5 right? This is psinfinity.