I Give Up - 90 Days No PMO

[Consilience]

Day 1 -

I give up trying to do this with only my own internal accountability.

Ever since this LSD Trip I have felt in my bones that I need to quit my PMO habit. I've essentially eliminated weed and caffeine from my daily intake (very infrequent use), both of which have been quite problematic. I've implemented a daily yoga practice in addition to the 1 hour per day of meditation. I've changed my exercise routine to be less focused on lifting and instead a mixture between light cardio + resistance training which overall has been great. My nutrition is really starting to get dialed in. My life purpose feels like its building subtle momentum and I'm just being patient with myself and my own creative muse. So far the patience has been paying off. All in all, COVID has been great for self actualization work. Unfortunately, the one fucking behavior I haven't been able to change is jacking off to porn.

Just to speak bluntly, the girls in these videos are fucking hot. I hate to sound like such a guy, but it's the truth. And as a guy who is very sexually attracted to females I feel an extremely strong compulsion to pmo. Yet when I'm being 100% honest, I DO feel a difference when I abstain vs. when I'm pmo'ing, even if once a week. Despite this compulsive pull and strong attraction, there is a very strong calling to quit. I see a vision of what kind of relationship is possible without the unspoken shadow of me masturbating to other women other than my partner. The subtle incongruency with my attraction for a real woman, real sex and not pixels on a screen in fake acted scenes. As someone who's had plenty of real sex and plenty of real pmo sessions, real sex is WAY more powerful and satisfying than pmo. PMO is a complete waste and does nothing to help me in any way. It's pretty much the epitome of hedonism and short term pleasure ignoring long term consequences.

Benefits I've observed from abstinence:

• More energy
• Calmer around women I find attractive
• More motivation to pursue life purpose
• More Physically Attracted to more women
• Less monkey mind in meditation
• More eye contact with women in public
• More comfortable with eye contact in general
• My "aura" feels more aligned (I'm aware this sounds new age as fuck)
• Harder erections
• Higher sex drive
• Better workouts
• More creativity
• More focus and motivation
• Less anxiety or nervous around strangers
• Overall more pleasurable sober state 

Current longest streak is 22 days which is pretty pitiful tbh.

This has turned into one of those high leverage techniques that I can no longer brush of the benefits as being placebo. I've relapse enough and observed very carefully to know these benefits are not placebo for me. One of the interactions with large amounts of meditation, yoga, and porn is that as the awareness of the mind and body has grown, the effects correlated with certain behaviors are seen more clearly and consciously. I've tried to justify porn use and pmo based on some of the other opinions on this forum, but for me there is a significant difference in conscious state when I've accumulated about a week's worth of vital energy from not PMO'ing. This observation can no longer be denied.

Moreover, I trust that this intuitive pull I've felt both while tripping on psychedelics as well as just contemplating the habit sober is from a place of self-honesty and growth. The truth is I don't want to be addicted to porn. I'm tired of the addiction. I'm tired of feeling like an addict and failing to reach the 90 day milestone. Benefits or not, this addiction is coming from a place in my mind that lacks awareness. I'm tired of feeling its shadow, but being unable to understand where the lack is coming from. I'm sick of the unconsciousness. I'm tired of my integrity being broken once a week as I fight to change.

I'm tired of indulging in a habit that feeds into an awful industry that mistreats and preys upon both women and men. I'm tired of supporting the of trauma being produced by this industry. I'm tired of hiding amongst the collective consumption and acceptance of this shit. I have no desire to contribute to such systems.

The truth is I want to change.

I'm starting this journey as a way to document my steps to recovery. Clearly my own internal integrity is not powerful enough to quit which is disappointing. Yet what else is there to do other than to finally admit  and accept it.  I hope that by being public with these struggles and vision that I'll be able to finally commit.

I will be updating this journal daily for the next 90 days. No clue if I'll keep going after that point, but for now, this is day 1.

The content of this journal will be spontaneous and whatever I feel like sharing, pmo related or not, but what will remain consistent is checking in and counting the days up to reach the 90 day threshold. Overall the most important part is checking in for accountability purposes.
 

[Consilience]

Day 2 -

Rules I didn't specify in above post: No normal masterbation and no porn without masterbation. 

Things I'm proud of myself for accomplishing today: 

• Made my bed
• 1 hour of meditation
• Hatha Yoga outside in the sun
• Cold shower
• Ate adequate protein
• Did a microdosing workshop with my cities local Psychedelic Society
• Spent 4.5 hours on life purpose work 

I've been taking a break from making youtube videos recently in an attempt to really manifest another level of quality. Like a massive exponitial jump in quality. Ive been spending a large amount of time introspecting and researching on what kind of videos I want to create. It feels like my muse is being stoked and slowly building. Time will tell what it turns into. 

Edited July 6, 2020 by Consilience

[Consilience]

Day 3 -

Honestly not much I feel like reporting on today other than I was so distracted doing shit the thought of pmo'ing wasn't present at all. But day 3 is child's play. The climb continues. 

[Consilience]

Day 4 - 

Today was odd. I felt particularly depressed and low energy. I REALLY wanted to smoke weed, which is odd. It felt like my mind was being starved of pleasure and was seeking any type of stimulus that would grant it dopamine. Happy to report I did not in fact smoke weed haha. However, I did drink a tiny amount of caffeine this morning which I was hyper mindful of, and how it could be my ego trying to justify repeating conditioned behavior, and perhaps in a sense that was what was happening, yet today it genuinely felt needed. I haven't felt this off in a while, but sometimes we all wake up and feel like absolute trash. It was around 1/4 the amount of a mug of coffee, this rest decaf. I've noticed that if I play into old behaviors such as drinking caffeine, playing video games, watching porn, smoking weed, the urge to do other high dopamine activities arises more strongly, as if they're all linked to the same neurological pathway of the mind. I'm going to remain hyper vigilant of the urge to drink caffeine for the reminder of this work week (weekends are easy not to feel a need) since the floodgate was mildly cracked. 

On the topic of pmo, still no big sexual impulses, which is typically how this timeline plays out. If this pattern follows I won't be hit with any major sexual urges until this day 6/7, and then from day 14 onward it will be a REAL struggle. If I've learned anything about this addiction it is that the ego is to never be underestimated. 

[peanutspathtotruth]

@Consilience I'm here with you, Day 1. Thanks for your bravery, being so public about it. No outside pressure will do it, but knowing that others read your reports, this can be a necessary extra push to pull through.

All this is about is integrity. I fell back so many times - and it is not about this habit being bad. It is about what we want our lifes to be. And we know what we want. Let us remember it is not about fighting, but about clarity. And being clear about something will feel like fighting. Because seeing through the concepts that tell us we need that stuff is hard. And what is also hard is the accumulated "karma", guilt and shame from the past of not doing what we set out to do. 

Now is the time to go all the way. This is much more than getting over PMO. One can grow immensely from that. Blessings to you, stay strong and loving to yourself <3  

[Consilience]

6 hours ago, peanutspathtotruth said:

@Consilience I'm here with you, Day 1. Thanks for your bravery, being so public about it. No outside pressure will do it, but knowing that others read your reports, this can be a necessary extra push to pull through.

All this is about is integrity. I fell back so many times - and it is not about this habit being bad. It is about what we want our lifes to be. And we know what we want. Let us remember it is not about fighting, but about clarity. And being clear about something will feel like fighting. Because seeing through the concepts that tell us we need that stuff is hard. And what is also hard is the accumulated "karma", guilt and shame from the past of not doing what we set out to do. 

Now is the time to go all the way. This is much more than getting over PMO. One can grow immensely from that. Blessings to you, stay strong and loving to yourself <3  

Thank you for such a positive and supportive message; it really speaks to me... Yes exactly. It's not about this habit being morally bad, just like playing video games isn't morally bad. But the vision of a life where we're not caught in a cycle of addiction and essentially becoming who we authentically want to be. This perspective on clarity is extremely important to remember as well. 

I really appreciate the support. I'm with you as well. <3 

[Consilience]

Day 5 - 

Victories:

• 1 hour of meditation
• Cold shower
• Nutrition was on point
• Took a walk
• 1 hour of life purpose work
• No caffeine
• No weed
• Drank 80 oz water

I am very much looking forward to when this lockdown ends. One of my biggest goals is to improve with approaching and attracting women in person, not online. I personally feel that online dating is bullshit if you're a guy. As men, we are cursed and given the opportunity of approaching women. On the one hand, it sucks having to be the one to always be approaching and initiating the interaction. On the other hand, if we can overcome this fear, pretty much the entire world becomes an opportunity to meet a lover, and that is a world FULL of abundance. As a woman, you kind of are just stuck with what men either approach you, or gambling with online dating which in my opinion already creates a dynamic of men chasing women since women have nearly all the power in the online dating arena (chasing women never works). Furthermore, the overwhelming majority of men are too scared to approach beautiful women in person, myself included which means that if you can man the Fuck up, you've already set yourself apart from like 95% of men out there. 

A recent insight I had was that my fear of approaching women is rooted in the existential fear of "I am not enough." It's a fear that my existence at all is just not good enough and I will never live up to my own expectations or the expectations of others. Of course all of this is total bullshit, but the inner child wrestles with these emotions. As long as my emotional mind is framed in this belief structure, there will be a massive fear of approaching women. Unfortunately, having this insight is not enough to overcome it, meaning the next time I approach a beautiful woman there will still be fear. Yet, understanding the root of these thought stories is a powerful step towards overcoming and transcending this fear. 

I'm also seeing that insight into one's true nature is merely scratching the surface of the fear one holds. I've had God moments on psychedelics yet still get a fear based response from the mere idea of approaching a gorgeous woman. I think a good litmus test for how awake someone is is how much do they fear? Suffering is another good litmus test, but fear is an interesting one. As long as there is fear, there are false existential assumptions generating these stories. Having insight into the root of these fears is an important step, but I believe facing them face on is another effective tool for seeing their illusory nature. In this way, approaching women, approaching women you don't think you have any shot with at all, has the potential to be an extremely powerful spiritual practice. 

During the lockdown, I'm not worrying about this though. I live with an immunocompromised family member so the risks of COVID are quite large. So for now, more theory, more contemplation. When the lockdown lifts, its fucking game time though. 

In terms of the no pmo journey -

Today during meditation I had more sexual fantasies than normal, and started fantasizing about masturbating. I can tell I'm starting to enter into the phase where more and more fantasies will be popping up. If it follows the previous patterns though, the urges will peak over the next 3-4 days, but I should then hit a flatline at about day 12 until about day 20. So far the journaling has been helping. The social pressure and pride of being able to succeed is a motivator, for better or worse. The social shame of failure is also motivating. Yet the vision of living a porn free life feels... unreal at this current stage. I cannot imagine what it must be like to spend a whole month not fantasizing about watching porn, not afraid of relapsing, and that is a genuinely deep motivator.

Gonna go do some yoga and go to bed. 

[Consilience]

Day 6 - 

I had absurdly intense and vivid sexual dreams last night... I had a super hot shower. I skipped my morning meditation to sleep an extra hour. Meditated for 13 minutes on a break. After work I took my vape pen out and got high. It was a lower body day with kettle bells, which was harder than normal. All day I've absolutely craved high dopamine, high pleasure stimulus. I also worked over an hour on Life Purpose and had a lot of creative insights. 

Immediately after the first hit I realized something about myself, and this pmo habit. This habit is literally at the bedrock of my subconscious mind. I don't think I've ever truly decided to quit until I opened up on this journal about it. It's like as long as I didn't have to admit I was a porn addict to anyone else, it was okay. Yet on some level, I'm still that 12 year old boy who discovered porn for the first time and had the most intense orgasm of his life. This addiction has vicious routes. Experientially, it's almost like by pressing down on the throttle on an issue so deeply rooted in the subconscious mind, I'm leaking willpower and motivation away from the other habits I've built. I'm also going to probably take a microdose of mushrooms tomorrow, just for health purposes. I find they can be quite healing after an aggressive backlash. 

Overall this backlash feels like a really good sign. A sign that things are truly shifting in the mind. I will continue to march forward with keeping my already built habits and lack of drug use as the storm of this thing builds. 

Ancillary insight I had as well - 

Progress in the coming century is not going to be a function of how much information we know as a species, or the accelerating pace of technological advancement. Instead, it will be a function of how deeply we know ourselves collectively, individually, and eventually, metaphysically. 

 

[Consilience]

Day 7 - 

Had more sex dreams last night, but the intensity was less extreme. Overall pretty basic day tbh. I ended up not microdosing though as when I woke up, I honestly didn't feel too shitty or depleted. It's like now that I got the backlash energy out, I was good. 

Overall though I'm feeling pretty tired from the work week. I did a little bit of work on life purpose, but not as much as I have been. 

I don't have too much left to say other than I'm feeling pretty decent about the first week being done. I can only guess I'll continue to have surges and regressions as the sexual energy builds, but so far I haven't faced anything new. 

The journey continues. 

[Jai]

Good luck. I agree with the way you look at things. Real sex is way better.

July 22nd I'll have a year no porn.

So many benefits and so worth it.

You got this!

[wesyasz]

Keep going

[Consilience]

@Jai @wesyasz Thank you both, I really appreciate it.  

Jai that's really impressive, and inspiring to hear a success from someone on the other side. 

[Consilience]

Day 8 - 

No real urges today at all and honestly not a whole lot to report! Today was a good restful day. Beautiful weather, I had a really solid meditation session, life felt good.  

[Consilience]

Day 9 - 

Really starting to feel the positive effects. My work ethic was crazy high today even though I felt like dog shit upon waking up. I didn't even get out of bed until 11am. Yet then I saw how I was operating from a specific negative context and generating my negative emotions out of a lack of patience and compassion for where my life is at. Once I was able to see clearly how much I was resisting my present situation, I dropped this unconscious seeking via surrender, upon which I was able to really tap into positive emotions. Within a very short time frame, I was able to totally transform my state into positivity and begin doing very productive work. My confidence levels and focus are really sharp right now too, which I attribute to the semen retention.

Victories today:

• 1 hour of meditation
• Hatha yoga
• Cold shower
• 1.5 hours of life purpose work
• Laundry
• Cleaned my living space
• 1.5 hour workout 
• Filed my taxes (been way procrastinating that one lol) 
• No weed
• No caffeine (the pull felt strong today I assume because I felt so awful after waking up)

I was also really ruminating about my last LSD trip. I listened to this mix during the peak:

During this phase of the trip I had entered into infant consciousness. A state of literal not knowing of anything. The world felt faint, and distant, almost like an unfamiliar echo. I remember feeling quite melancholy though, like I knew that I'd forgotten my life, my loved ones and that they weren't ever coming back. I wonder if this is what death is like? I mean, how many friendships, memories and moments has The Self experienced and totally and utterly forgotten? In this state I'm in right now those lifetimes and moments are not real whatsoever.

I remember feeling like I wanted a mother figure during this phase of the trip, but there was no one at all, my mind completely blank, empty, and open. And then I met my soul and saw the future. It was fucking nuts. 

[herghly]

Keep up the good stuff mate!

[Consilience]

@herghly Thank you

[Consilience]

Day 10 - 

Today was such a beautiful day. I ended smoking a little weed, and working a video outline for my next YouTube video. Even though I've generally been trying to just not do any drugs, today was too good of a day. Sometimes when I smoke weed it feels very grounding and radiant, it feels like magic. There's a distinction between smoking to just chase pleasure and smoking to feel connected. Today it felt like I was connecting, and I feel very grateful for it. However, I went on ahead and threw out the rest of my weed. I realized I'm really feeling done with the stuff. With COVID going on I really have no desire to enter into dispensaries and now that I have literally no more weed, there won't be anything left to smoke.  

I can tell I'm taking this PMO stuff way more seriously this time. I feel it. I feel the ego reacting more than it ever has, almost like a squirming energy that really wants to self sabotage in anyway it can. But I love that it's a challenge. 

The openness and social pressure is extremely powerful. I'm grateful I've been journaling this process and I'm grateful for anyone who happens to read. I hope you can gain some value from it on your own path to mastering the masculine energy inside of you. 

Nightly Intentions for tomorrow: 

• Cold shower 
• Meditate 1 hour 
• Hatha yoga youtube video
• Fold clothes 
• Workout 
• Drink 80oz of water
• 1+ hour life purpose work

[Consilience]

Day 11 - 

Didn't meet all of my previous intentions. I was hit with a massive wave of fatigue after work today that I attribute to my diabetes. I'm not really sure what causes these things. They happen kind of sporadically and don't track with any variables I've been able to observe. Nutrition, sleep, exercise, meditation, yoga can all be on point and sometimes I'll still just crash. I've learned to be gentle with my self though, and not rush. Things are changing, I feel the progress on my path. 

Today's meditation was absurd. I meditated 10 minutes before work (do nothing) just to clear my head which felt fairly normal. And then after work I did another 45 minutes (do nothing) which was absurd. It was 45 minutes of non stop pleasure, moving anywhere between I'd say 3-10% of what the climax of an orgasm was. It felt like I could feel sexual energy pulsating up my spine and out of my body like a wave. I don't really have much conceptual knowledge of what auras are or anything like that, but it felt like the sexual energy was breathing into an energy field outlining my body while meditating, and just circling back through my root chakra. As the energy was moving, it was just non stop pleasure. I don't think I've ever had a more pleasurable meditation session in my life, I mean it was like a non stop orgasm, spontaneous feelings of bliss, happiness, joy and pleasure. It's almost unbelieveable except that I experienced it. Leo had a blog post not too long ago talking about Yogi's and Monks being like heroine addicts, except they could produce the pleasure themselves. This is how it felt. I was going to go for a full hour, but the pleasure got overwhelming and so I just got up and then went for a long walk which served as another form of meditation. 

Today was kind of tough though. After that meditation session I spent the evening fantasizing about sex, and all the things I wish I could be doing with a woman. Women I wouldn't normally find attractive were sexually beautiful at the park. And when I got home, the fantasies continued. 

On another unrelated note listen to this music if you want to feel agape: 

 

[Raptorsin7]

27 minutes ago, Consilience said:

it was like a non stop orgasm, spontaneous feelings of bliss, happiness, joy and pleasure

Wow. This is one of the main drivers of my meditation practice, I had always hoped I could cultivate a sense of innate well being through meditation that would be my rock through life's ups and downs. I got mixed feedback about meditation giving rise to these kinds of sensations but this kind of stuff really gives me hope. 

Do you mind sharing what your direct experience of practice was like before and during these sensations. Did you feel any release in the heart, or tension in the head etc?

What role do you think psych use (not sure how often/long you've been using psychs) has played in expanding your meditation practice? I've been meditating a few years now, and while my attention and mindfulness has improved in some respects, it's hard to say that i'm experiencing the fruits of my labor at my currently level of practice. 

Experientially, how has the psychs influenced your practice? Do you find similar releases of tension or sensations in deep meditation as you do from a deep psych trip. For me the best psych trips I've ever had were when the tension in my head/third eye region were completely released. leading to a sort of tension popping in my head. While I still feel strong third eye sensations throughout my days, and especially during meditation, It doesn't feel like my body will release tension in that area the same way given my current practice, without psychs or some other external stimulus to relax me or facilitate the release of tension.

[Consilience]

1 hour ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Wow. This is one of the main drivers of my meditation practice, I had always hoped I could cultivate a sense of innate well being through meditation that would be my rock through life's ups and downs. I got mixed feedback about meditation giving rise to these kinds of sensations but this kind of stuff really gives me hope. 

I feel this. My main motivation with meditation is taking extreme ownership of my well being. I want to understand what it must be like to sit and do nothing and be totally at peace with myself, totally and utterly content with nothing else but the fact that I exist. Most of my meditation work up to this point has not been this. However, after a lot of work, I would say I'm starting to find and understand this peace experientially, and more regularly. I feel like this level of practice is possible for everyone, including you. What I don't know, however, is what type of effort is going to be required, nor what types of meditation techniques you'll respond to best. Today was a huge breakthrough, a huge glimpse into what is possible with going down this meditation path. In fact, a 45 minute mini orgasm is more than a glimpse imo.

I don't expect this type of thing to stablize for awhile, but I can imagine when I'm in my 40s with 20 years of meditation experience under my belt, who knows what it'll be like. I've only seriously been meditating for 2.5 years, but it's been 2.5 years with meditating 1 hour per day for 95% of the days. 
 

1 hour ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Do you mind sharing what your direct experience of practice was like before and during these sensations. Did you feel any release in the heart, or tension in the head etc?

I don't mind at all. I've been practicing with the do nothing technique (zazen in zen, shikantaza in japanese zen translation, choiceless awareness technique in the TMI model, complete surrender based on Ramana Maharshi's teachings), however because I've spent months of using the TMI breath based techniques for months now, my attention is extremely stable, I generate significantly less thoughts during meditation practice, and my awareness of thoughts is A LOT higher. I think these 3 qualities of mind played a huge role. These 3 qualities of mind are cultivated and stabilized over time using a concentration, samatha based practice. At least that's what's *supposed* to happen. 

So I go into the session with these 3 things pretty much within the first minute, except they're all more significant than normal, especially the awareness of mind. Interestingly, as the pleasure was building I would have random monkey mind thoughts like we all do when we meditate. Yet this time my mind was extremely aware of ANY thoughts that were passing and effortless and automatically dropped all attention from them. Thoughts became these extremely minor events which disappeared as quickly as they came in. 

So I'm left in this hyper aware state where my peripheral awareness (awareness of the bodily senses) began to build and build and build. As this building took place, that's when I started to feel the pleasurable energy start to pulsate up through my root and into my head and 3rd eye. I would say during the climax (feeling 10% of an orgasm, possibly more) I was feeling a release in the 3rd eye and crown chakra area. And it was just that, energy going up through my body on inhalations, and then perfuse out into an auric field which felt like an extension of my body senses. With my eyes closed, my body didnt have a particular shape or form, it felt like this ambiguous pulsating energy field with a very dense core, which I could identify as the spine if attention wandered to the center. The energy rhythmically went up and out of the spine, recycling back through the body. It felt like it was its own form of intelligence with a will of its own, but not quite kundalini which I've also experienced. It felt subtler than kundalini but who knows. With this energy stuff, it's all kind of the same thing at some point.   

I want to emphasize though, this was a state of total surrender. There was no effort, or will, or anything trying to get more of or cling to what was going on. Just pure energy that felt like it was being released because the mind's lack of interference and a build up of awareness. 

 

1 hour ago, Raptorsin7 said:

What role do you think psych use (not sure how often/long you've been using psychs) has played in expanding your meditation practice? I've been meditating a few years now, and while my attention and mindfulness has improved in some respects, it's hard to say that i'm experiencing the fruits of my labor at my currently level of practice. 

I believe psychedelics have made my meditation sessions way more energetic. Ive tripped just about once every 2 weeks for the past year (currently taking some time off for integration purposes) and with all of the emotional releases I've had, my body feels like it has clearer energy channels. I know this may sound new age, but it's the only way I can describe it. My body feels like it has more internal clarity of the senses, my awareness can penetrate more deeply into subtle forms of energy. I've found that healing my psychological traumas and attachments opens up my awareness of body wherein I'm more able to generate happier and lighter emotions. The most powerful healing tool I've used is psyches and hatha yoga. 

It's worth mentioning I've also been doing daily hatha yoga since the whole COVID lockdown so perhaps this is playing a role as well. 

However, what I'd also like to mention is that meditating 1 hour per day REALLY starts to pay off at around the 2 year mark. There's something significant about an entire hour that just has never felt replicable with other times. Even though psyches have indeed played a role with opening me up to deeper levels of bodily awareness, I still thing 80+% of my meditation results come from meditation. Specifically, a meditation system that has worked directly on building concentration and quitting the mind (insert TMI plug).

 

1 hour ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Experientially, how has the psychs influenced your practice? Do you find similar releases of tension or sensations in deep meditation as you do from a deep psych trip. For me the best psych trips I've ever had were when the tension in my head/third eye region were completely released. leading to a sort of tension popping in my head. While I still feel strong third eye sensations throughout my days, and especially during meditation, It doesn't feel like my body will release tension in that area the same way given my current practice, without psychs or some other external stimulus to relax me or facilitate the release of tension.

I do not find similar releases of tension in deep meditation as I do in deep trips. Trips have gone REALLY fucking deep into the core of my being at levels meditation simply cannot. I cannot say with confidence I could have healed at the same rate using meditation as I have with psyches. And in this way, I believe psychedelics have played a huge role with my general well being on a day to day basis. Yet just as important is meditation. Meditation seems to breakdown more surface level tensions like anxiety, depression, apathy, frustration, anger. Meditation helps break down and dissolve the tension we feel on a day to day basis. Psychedelics help breakdown emotions and traumas that exist on the level of souls and reincarnation, or even childhood memories we no longer can even feel.

For example, I remember one of my biggest unknown traumas I was carrying around with me was not understanding my diabetes. It was this general sense of "why me" that I didn't even know I carried. But when I traveled back to my birth on LSD and saw so clearly that this decision for diabetes was autonomous and by choice, I somehow understood all of it. This was a huge emotional and energetic release. Meditation has never done anything close to this. 

But let me flip the coin and explain what meditation has done that psychedelics haven't - The amount of beauty I see in the world, the amount of compassion I hold for strangers, the love I feel for all beings, the daily gratitude I feel for my body, or my ability to ride out waves of negativity like diabetic fatigue, depression, apathy (these are my most common) has all been a result of my meditation more than psychedelics. It's like the world of the mundane is slowly being infused with what a peak state of a psychedelic shows. Whereas the psychedelic can show you the love of god, it will not let you keep it.

Meditation is the tool for embodiment. Psychedelics are the tool for awakenings. 

If you find that it's hard to release tension without external tools, you should look into hatha yoga. I don't think Leo emphasizes enough the mind - body connection. Your body is literally holding onto all sorts of deep emotional baggage. I've found this physical yoga to be an extremely powerful addition to my spiritual work. In fact, I could probably write another long ass post explaining the relationship between the physical muscle releases in yoga, meditation and psychedelics. But I've already written a novel. 

My biggest piece of advice would be don't underestimate what you'd be capable of by seriously committing to meditation practice, 1 hour per day, over a lifetime. It's a slow grueling process, but the changes are enduring. Meditation is the most powerful psychedelic integration tool I've found. It's also the most powerful sober tool I've found as well. You've gotta learn to concentrate the mind though. Which is why I push TMI so much, because I know it's what works for me. Others say kriya is great, but I've never responded very well to it. 

TMI and the do nothing technique are my go to's and these days I've been doing the do nothing almost exclusively AFTER my mind has reached a stable enough level. 

I know this was a lot, but the word vomit helped me contextualize my own shit so... I hope it helps haha. Seriously, don't underestimate yourself or what you're capable of doing in the long run.