I Give Up - 90 Days No PMO

[Consilience]

Day 16 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 10 - Bed by 10pm Sun-Thur/ Bed by 11pm Fri-Sat

I woke up with some residual emotional unrest, but it felt like whatever emotional release I had yesterday really drained out the negativity I'd been holding onto. In a sense, it's still there because the context which generates those emotions is still very much apart of my experience. However, I think having such a powerful acknowledgement has helps with the overall inner peace of the situation I find myself in. At the very least, I can work towards letting go of the current context, and re-contextualize the situation into one of gratitude. For example, the moments I'm spending with my family are incredibly precious, intimate, and fleeting. I will never get this time back with them; what we have now has been incredibly special and healing for all of us. So in a sense, by being so disturbed about the situation, I'm ignoring the other part of my mind which fully acknowledges and appreciates what we have. Re-contextualization is key, so therefore becoming conscious of the context is key as well. 

I also suspect COVID is playing a role. I've felt this on an earlier mushroom trip I had which is that COVID is pressurizing humanity right now, forcing latent and unconscious emotions into the surface, and forcing us to deal with them. This is happening both collectively as we try to psychologically manage this new normal, but it's also happening on the individual level with our personal psyches. 

For the time being I will continue to sit with this, and be patient. I'm really trying to give myself the time and space to properly vision and plan. I'm also trying to take this opportunity to rebuild myself, to truly transform into a version of myself which has the psychological infrastructure needed to step into my vision. Hence this journal, PMO and porn use and to a lesser extend weed and caffeine have been ginormous hurdles on this path of transformation. 

Interestingly, I had a really wild synchronicity yesterday where I closed my eyes, started scrolling through a book I was reading, and then randomly picked a page to read. The page selection was entirely an intuitive decision. The page I stopped on was the beginning of a chapter labeled "Transformation." And all I could think was "Yep I hear you loud and clear at SELF." 

Things continue to shift. If I sit and reflect on where I am psychologically compared to where I was even a year ago, I'm much better off despite having no real material changes to show for it. And I think sometimes that's what a theme of life calls for. Some moments are about acquiring physical manifestations such as a University degree, or a high paying job, a house, etc. But this whole year has been about remolding my mind, riding myself of petty subtle addictions, and learning how the mind and ego operate on deeper and deeper levels through meditation and psychedelics primarily, as well as yoga less so.

It's also been about learning how to more deeply accept my body for how it is, and its natural limitations. As bitter of a pill as it is to swallow, my body doesn't seem to operate at an energetic level with the likes of Tony Robins for example. Just purely based on physiology, the man will out work me every single time. And that's okay. My pace being less than, slower, more deliberate, is OK. Learning to be at peace with this reality seems to be an important lesson I find myself constantly returning to. How do I balance persistent action towards my goals when I'm working with less energy than a normal human? An answer I don't have yet, but am working on. I think one important step is clearly, and I mean CLEARLY, defining my vision which is a work in process. I could go off on another tangent related to that, but I'm stopping for now. 

When I'm on my death bed, I know this will be one of the big ones, how did I learn to accept myself, my body, my limitations? The fact that I'm recognizing this now at my age with so much life left is something to be self-grateful for. 

[Consilience]

Day 17 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 11 - Bed by 10pm Sun-Thur/ Bed by 11pm Fri-Sat

Today was a good day. I slept through an alarm and was almost late for a meeting so I missed my normal 1 hour morning meditation. However, after work I did a 30 min yoga session which was fucking crazy, and then was able to realize my deepest rooted authentic desire was to get the hour in even though my conscious desire was to go distract myself with high dopamine yielding activities. So I did the meditation. Had a few minor breakthroughs as well. 

Sometimes It feels like meditation is moving the equivalent of tectonic plates in the mind. The day to day shifts are barely noticeable if at all and then one day WHAM, earthquake, you have a massive breakthrough or emotional release. 

The Yoga video for those interested: 

 

Edited August 21, 2020 by Consilience

[Consilience]

Day 19 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 13 - Bed by 10pm Sun-Thur/ Bed by 11pm Fri-Sat

I didn't realize I didn't journal yesterday... Weird. Anyways, I met those two goals yesterday and now I am for today as well. 

[Consilience]

Day 20 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 13 - Bed by 10pm Sun-Thur/ Bed by 11pm Fri-Sat

Keeping the bed timer at 13. Last night I actually stayed up a little later last night. 

[Consilience]

Day 21 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 14 - Bed by 10pm Sun-Thur/ Bed by 11pm Fri-Sat

Building some momentum. Have to say though, I miss porn haha. I 100% feel better without it and it's not worth the emotional/mental haze that follows a solid porn/pmo session, but I do miss the stimulus. Pure hedonism. 

[Consilience]

Day 22 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 15 - Bed by 10pm Sun-Thur/ Bed by 11pm Fri-Sat

This isn't on my counter at the moment, but I've been really consistent with my hatha yoga practice recently. I've actually more or less stopped my traditional workouts and switched to only yoga, walks, and hiking. In terms of health, this is actually the best I've felt in months. Sometimes i'll still wake up and feel like shit, lethargic and lacking that extra edge that I think most normal healthy adults have after a normal night's rest, but overall I'm having more good days than bad since shifting more of my focus to yoga. 

What's more interesting though is the effect this practice is having on the mind... I can't quite articulate how this practice is rewiring the mind, other than to say I feel subtle differences in my emotional state, as well as a very faint shift in the background energy of "me." One thing meditation has really given is this incredibly perceptive awareness of the mind. The experience of mind doesn't really fit well into language though. The energy of the mind is more like an oscillating wave that glosses over raw empty perception and breathes meaning into the world. It feels like yoga is changing the current and wave like structures of the mind, but the specifics are still unknown other than I can tell something is shifting internally. As has been a theme since starting this journal, I plan to patiently wait and see what arises.

On a side note, I was very proud of myself today. The yoga sessions I've been doing lately from the YT Channel called "Breathe and Flow" are quite challenging compared to what I'm used to, but I've kept up with it. Today in particular I felt a lot of resistance towards doing the practice, but I did it anyways. 

 

[Consilience]

Day 23 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 16 - Bed by 10pm Sun-Thur/ Bed by 11pm Fri-Sat

Not much I feel like saying tonight. 

[Consilience]

Day 24 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 17 - Bed by 10pm Sun-Thur/ Bed by 11pm Fri-Sat

 

 

[Michal__]

Don't feel bad about failing, it's just porn.

Tbh to me watching porn like once a week gives me 90% of the nofap benefits (I tried both).

But if you do it for building discipline and feel the need to continue then do not listen to me.

Anyway - my point is that there Is not anything evil about porn.

Remember - extremes usually aren't good for you, it is about balance.

[Consilience]

19 hours ago, Michal__ said:

Don't feel bad about failing, it's just porn.

Tbh to me watching porn like once a week gives me 90% of the nofap benefits (I tried both).

But if you do it for building discipline and feel the need to continue then do not listen to me.

Anyway - my point is that there Is not anything evil about porn.

Remember - extremes usually aren't good for you, it is about balance.

Thank you for the input man. It just feels like when I watch porn I can't find the balance. I've tried doing it once a week and have without fail gone to multiple times a week which then leaves me feeling energetically drained and zombified. 

This experiment is more about trying to understand what a life would be like without indulging in the one vice that's been apart of my life since I was 12. I'm 24 now, which means half my life has been spent having this one stimulus drilled into my mind. I have no context for what life would be like without it. And while you're 100% correct with what you're saying here, I also know that porn is a powerful stimulus which leaves effects in the mind difficult to articulate other than I feel more "off" when I consume it and more "on" when I don't.

Plus this is also an experiment in integrity. If I say I want to quit, what makes it so difficult to follow through with that promise to myself? 

Again, thank you for sharing. 

[Consilience]

Day 25 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 18 - Bed by 10pm Sun-Thur/ Bed by 11pm Fri-Sat

Today I felt like I was in a non-dual state nearly the entire day, like I had taken a psychedelic except without all the fireworks. The deeper into consciousness work I go, the more the idea of enlightenment slips away. 

[Space]

On 29/08/2020 at 6:45 AM, Consilience said:

Day 25 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 18 - Bed by 10pm Sun-Thur/ Bed by 11pm Fri-Sat

Good effort mate - 25 days is tougher than most people think. Last time I was on a long streak I hit the flatline and it completely ruined me, I had to give up the retention. Be carefull about this, treat yourself kindly.

On 29/08/2020 at 6:45 AM, Consilience said:

The deeper into consciousness work I go, the more the idea of enlightenment slips away. 

Indeed it does.

[Consilience]

20 hours ago, Space said:

Good effort mate - 25 days is tougher than most people think. Last time I was on a long streak I hit the flatline and it completely ruined me, I had to give up the retention. Be carefull about this, treat yourself kindly.

@Space I appreciate it, thank you. However right now I'm not doing retention, just obstaining from Porn. I found retention to be too much at this moment in my life.I think I'll go back on it eventually, at least short term bursts like 1-3 weeks or something, but the energy gets to be too much. And if I tried having sex while on retention, I wouldn't last long at all. 

Day 27 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 18 - Bed by 10pm Sun-Thur/ Bed by 11pm Fri-Sat

 Didn't log last night. Didn't watch porn, but stayed up too late. I stayed up too late tonight as well.. Today felt off. I've felt mildly depressed, but it's not the biggest of deals. Even when I'm feeling depressed it really doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I think the biggest thing is just feeling really stuck in life because of my loans. I'm genuinely not sure what to do. 

[Consilience]

Hey everyone -

Due to personal reasons, I will be discontinuing this journal. There are a couple of reasons for this, but the primary one is this - ultimately this journey is a journey of surrender and lately I've felt a very powerful pull to continue to just let the Fuck go. I'm not really sure why, or where it's leading me. Lately it's felt like I'm regressing in all major areas of life. It's like I just can't think or see clearly and no amount of meditation, solitude or introspection is helping. It's as if there's this vast fog covering the future. All the plans and ambitions I had pre-covid feel decimated. Yet despite this whirlwind of confusion and deep deep deep unsettlement, the one thing I've felt is the need to just let go. I just have to trust this intuition and be patient, and trust that when I'm ready to start building the next phase of life, the path will be revealed, the people I need to meet will come into my life, and the struggle I'm feeling now will click into place.  

These streaks, while effective from a certain pov, have served their purpose for this time. 

I will continue to pursue consciousness, personal development, and keep doing the inner work, but just on my own for now. Maybe I'll start another journal again, maybe not. 

[fridjonk]

@Consilience It was very interesting to read over this journal, so thanks for starting it in the first place. I too find it good to let go of all these ideas the mind likes to come up with. Sometimes they work well, sometimes they restrict you, that's life. Hope you find your clear vision back. 

I feel this video may apply to you. 

 

[Hans]

Thanks, @Consilience, for this. I followed this journal for a while and actually did about 20 days of noPMO along with you, which gave me a lot of insight about myself.

Follow your intuition and good luck, man. 

[Consilience]

@fridjonk Thank you. Yes I actually watched that video for the first time recently. When he first released it I felt like the information wouldn't be very helpful. After finally watching it, I reluctantly admitted to being in the first phase of these chapters and coming to peace with it. This letting go has felt like an integration and acceptance of this first phase. Thank you for sharing

@Hans That's awesome dude and thank you. Good luck on your journey as well.