I Give Up - 90 Days No PMO

[Consilience]

Day 0 - P

Today was a very shitty day. I was off from work which would normally be great, but from the moment I woke up I just felt horrible. No motivation for anything at all. It felt like all of my energy was literally stuck in my balls. My body felt heavy, lethargic, my mind was foggy and totally lost in thought. I didn't meditate today either. 

The reason it's day 0 is not because of relapsing on pmo, but because I ended up watching porn. What's kind of freaky about the situation though is that today was also a really bad day for my health. My blood sugar was swinging from high to low to high to low all day long. Around 3pm I got the most intense sexual craving I'd received while doing this whole thing. My mind felt totally out of control, and my awareness was so so so dull. So I ended up watching the porn. However, somehow I kept myself from masturbating. Then about an hour later I went and checked my blood sugar and it was 3.5 times higher than it should have been. 

I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I'm really not. But when my blood sugar gets that high, it starts to really affect my mind. My emotions become really unpredictable. My mind becomes dull. My awareness gets dampened to the point where I'm unaware of the fact that there's even been a significant drop in awareness until I go and check my blood sugar. After I gave myself insulin, my mood started returning to normal, and my motivation and drive to do things productive returned. 

Unfortunately I went through another round of high and low this evening. It was a day. Fucking full moon energy I guess. 

Anyways, today was an interesting day because of the relapse. Leo's blog post about health is really fucking significant man. Good health is quite literally the foundation for consciousness work. I wonder if it's even possible to become enlightened without a properly working, healthy body/mind system.

It really frustrates me that my personality, mood, emotions, motivation, mind, concentration, awareness can be so affected by my health situation. It makes me feel weak like I'm somehow making excuses for myself, but then I feel the difference of high blood sugar vs. when the insulin is kicking in and the difference is dramatic. 

In terms of this whole 90 day thing I'm not even sure how I feel. I'm honestly tired of becoming dysfunctionally horny. Without a doubt there is no purpose for porn in my life. It needs to go 100%. Just like I would never start doing heroine, there's no need for porn. Masturbation on the other hand... It just feels like I'm repressing my sexuality in all honesty. Yes some of the benefits are great, but some of the increases in energy are not actually that helpful, they just make me feel aggressive and unbalanced, especially when strong sexual urges come. It also feels like these state changes we feel from no fap are possible to generate without the need to do hardmode. I'm not sure yet though. I'm just gonna let this one sit and contemplate on it more. 

Either way I will keep going on the 90 days no pmo/porn and to be determined with regular porn free masturbation. 

[Consilience]

Day 1 - 

Had that "date" with the girl. It went extremely well. I could tell she was having a lot of fun and so was I, probably the most relaxed, humorous, joyful day I've had all summer. In terms of building attraction, I could tell I was doing everything correctly. We went on a hike and I was leading 95% of the time, I was asking the majority of the questions, she was talking probably around 70% of the time which is great. And in terms of asking questions, I wasn't just asking bland questions either, I was creating emotional investment on her end by getting her to open up and dig deeper beyond the surface level. My body was extremely loose and relaxed the whole time, my shoulders were dropped rather than tensed up, my chest was facing out rather than all scrunched up like I'm texting, my mind felt at complete ease the whole time. Even when there were dips in the conversation, rather than trying to fill them in with useless chatter, I just let the silence flow and so did she. It was great. 

We went hiking, chilled on the beach, and just literally talked and laughed the whole time. Not sure how things will play out with her long term, but I know today was really great. 

In terms of how I was coming across, the energy I was giving her, I do not think this type of "vibe" is conditional. In other words, I truly feel like I can move myself energetically to embody these characteristics regardless of the state I'm in. A mind over matter kind of thing. I think the no porn and general lack of masturbation has helped, but I'm just not sold on the idea that I have to abstain from ejaculation to attract women. In fact, every woman I've ever attracted in my life has been while I'm actively partaking in pmo. When I met this girl way back at the beginning of the year I was in this addiction cycle and still managed to do it. 

Just some thoughts. 

[Consilience]

Day 2 -

It was a fucking day. I jerked off, tripped on 3g of mushrooms, woke up to infinite self love, healed my relationship with masturbation, tried to call a girl I sent a dirty text to which long story short ended up probably coming across as misogynistic, I tried to call said girl, but realized I was still tripping in the middle of leaving a voicemail, and then spent an hour trying to write a text message to "fix'" the situation. A train wreck on all accounts. 

Moral of the story - Mushrooms man...

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

 

40 minutes ago, Consilience said:

tried to call a girl I sent a dirty text to which long story short ended up probably coming across as misogynistic, I tried to call said girl, but realized I was still tripping in the middle of leaving a voicemail, and then spent an hour trying to write a text message to "fix'" the situation. A train wreck on all accounts. 

Chances are if you just let go of it for a few days and stop trying to explain your actions to this girl, if she's much of a friend or possibly potential friend, it will all work out. I discovered for myself anyway, that if I try to hard in circumstances like that then everything tends to goes south. 

38 minutes ago, Consilience said:

It was a fucking day. I jerked off, tripped on 3g of mushrooms, woke up to infinite self love, healed my relationship with masturbation,

If your no longer divided against yourself, it was a truly great day! Congratulations!

[Consilience]

Nightly intentions:

• Morning yoga
• 1 hour of meditation
• Write trip report
• Workout
• Clean
• Trek out to get a shot for my YouTube cover art

[Consilience]

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you Yeh I think I may have over done it. I'll just kind of let the dust settle... We've been friends for close to 2 years so I'm just hoping I didn't Fuck it up too badly. She's been kind of cold recently so probably came across as quite needy. Oh well. But yes I don't feel as nearly as divided about my sexual energy... It feels really liberating. 

[Consilience]

Day 3 - 

I didn't finish journaling about the trip yet. Today was "good," there was a nice after glow in the morning. However, as the day progressed I began kind of getting depressed. My mind and senses just felt a little burned after such an intense trip yesterday. Sometimes this happens, but I'm usually good the next day. 

0 urges to masturbate or watch porn. Literally feel 0 negative effects from the masturbation too. I'm just gonna keep it to no more than 1x per week and go from there. I plan on writing up a lot of the details of this dynamic in my trip report. 

[Consilience]

Day 4 -

Didn't journal yesterday, but I honestly just didn't have much I felt like sharing  Another day on the journey. I'll update for day 5 later tonight.

[lostmedstudent]

On 7/28/2020 at 2:40 AM, Consilience said:

Over the last month I've spent probably 40 hours contemplating, writing, shooting, editing, and filming for this thing and it's only 14 minutes long lmao. Unfortunately, YouTube requires more frequent content than 40 hours/month/video can yield. Overall though I've learned A LOT and effectiveness/efficiency and balance will be my next phase of focus as I continue on this journey. 

haha i feel you!

you are a great writer! it feels like im watching a movie or reading a fiction about your life! id totally watch your vlogs hahah. 

keep up the good work!

[Consilience]

8 hours ago, lostmedstudent said:

haha i feel you!

you are a great writer! it feels like im watching a movie or reading a fiction about your life! id totally watch your vlogs hahah. 

keep up the good work!

Thank you These kind of comments really help me stay motivated.

 

Day 5 - 

Got out and shot some today. Updated my YouTube channel's cover art to a badass picture of a Mountain I took... At least I think it's badass haha. I previously had another picture on the channel, but one of the insights I had from my most recent mushroom trip was the previous background's "vibration" was out of alignment with the vision of the channel. Literally it just felt vibrationally "off" which to my sober self now sounds new age as Fuck, but I've learned to trust the wisdom of the mushrooms, in all their twistedness. A vision of a Mountain appeared mid trip, and so today's main objective was to manifest this reality, which was accomplished

I also cleaned a lot which felt good. My living space has felt obese from clutter, most of the clutter isn't even mine, but thankfully we're making progress fam. 

Edited August 9, 2020 by Consilience

[Consilience]

Day 6 - No PMO/Porn

Day 1 - Bed by 10pm

It felt time to reintroduce a new habit in the process of transforming my mind. I've realized sleep is the number key for a successful day. If I don't get enough sleep, the rest of the day is pretty much shot. As such, this will be the next habit I'm integrating starting tonight. 

Namaste actualizers. You all inspire me, truly. 

[Consilience]

Day 7 - No PMO/Porn

Day 2 - Bed by 10pm

Today I felt really good. I slept in without an alarm and woke up at 6:30. I find that when I allow my body to naturally awaken without caffeine I end up feeling better later on in the day. It's a subtle shift in experience, but once the awareness of it is there, it's hard to ignore. My mind feels smoother, more in harmony with itself, and more clear without caffeine. The mornings are more challenging without a doubt. It usually takes me full 3 hours to be fully awake, possibly longer, but overall the rest of the day goes much better if I can abstain from even the tiniest amount of caffeine. 

This morning I woke up, did yoga, took a shower, meditate, and worked. I felt great almost the whole day. 

I'm reading a book called "Permission to Feel" by Marc Brackett, only 25ish pages in, but so far it's really good. It's about emotions and our relationship with them, how to understand them more deeply. It seems like a SD stage Orange/Green with hints of yellow type of book, which I think is help. Dude has a Ph.D. but speaks the language of someone who has seen through the limitations of rationality and logic, while also acknowledging their utility. 

The theme of this next phase of 2020:

 

[Consilience]

Day 8 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 3 - Bed by 10pm

Today I was presented with two competing motivations. I had this massive urge to play video games, but I remember an intention I'd written down this morning which was to workout after work. I'm proud to say I chose to workout. 

-

I can't figure out what exactly is going on behind the scenes, but I feel like I'm really changing, transforming. In all honestly, I'm extremely dissatisfied with how my last YouTube video turned out. While in a certain sense it was a huge victory, it proved to me my own talent and abilities for videos, on the other, it flopped on the algorithm. More than that though... There's something missing in my channel, throughout its entirety. I can't quite figure out what it is, but whatever "it" is, is moving in the background of my experience, almost like an echo. You hear it, but it sounds faint, subtle, and not quite there unless you're really paying attention. 

A line I stumbled into today:

"Taking Rebellion seriously is never a bad idea, but rebellion without intention is always dangerous."

Perhaps it is true intent that my channel is missing. I mean, yes talking about deep spiritual matters is great, but what is my true intent behind speaking? What is the overarching context behind each and every video, each and every word I've spoken on camera? In all honesty.... I don't know if I can give a clear answer. And perhaps that's where this issue is. My vision, intention, presence has felt scattered, and disjointed. The last video I made was EXACTLY the style I'd like the capture, for the first time since I made the channel I'd finally captured the physical aesthetics of the videos, but my internal psychology was still amiss. 
 

As we know though, god speaks through silence. To know my Self requires a deep surrender, and inner silence. For now I patiently wait. 

[Consilience]

Day 9 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 4 - Bed by 10pm

Not much to say today. Today was silent, unimaginative. Things are just moving. 

[Consilience]

Day 10 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 5 - Bed by 10pm

 

It's 10:03.. #Balance. 

I has the most powerful orgasm in years today with nothing but my imagination. It was incredible. I then went on to have an amazing creative breakthrough.

As I write, I recall a really interesting saying, "Acta non verba."  

[Consilience]

Day 11 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 5 - Bed by 10pm Sun-Thur/ Bed by 11pm Fri-Sat

I didn't make it to bed in time last night which made me realize... I didn't really have a good strategy for weekends. Honestly, I'm not too concerned with being strict about the 10pm bedtime on non work days. However, just for the sake of keeping a healthy sleep schedule and embracing the powerful benefits of consistent, rhythmic sleep, I'm keeping my limit at 11pm on weekends. Unfortunately I did not hit this target last night, but I only resolved to commit to this target this morning. 

Because sleep isn't really an "addiction" in the sense that PMO/Porn is, I'm not bothering with resetting the counter. I'm simply not counting last night. However, if I start consistently missing days and staying up late, I'll reset the counter. For now, I find this to be a balanced approach. 

I'll update my journal on schedule tonight. 

[Consilience]

Day 12 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 6 - Bed by 10pm Sun-Thur/ Bed by 11pm Fri-Sat

Today I was productive as fuck. One of my most driven Saturdays in a while.... A lot of moving pieces are occurring in my life right now. A lot of seeds were planted today. And so the path continues. 

I scheduled an air bnb and registered for an online meditation retreat. Long story short, l couldn't get the time off for work if it was a solo meditation retreat, but since it's an official one, I'm able to get the time off. In hindsight, I think doing my first meditation retreat solo would have been too much, too much of a risk for failure. I'm both excited and extremely intimidated at the prospect of the retreat.

[Consilience]

Day 13 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 7 - Bed by 10pm Sun-Thur/ Bed by 11pm Fri-Sat

Today felt like a true day of rest. I've been dealing with a lower back injury, and then it felt like my mind was just fried from the culmination of this week. I don't really feel ready to go back to work tomorrow, but interestingly I find work sometimes forces my mind back into productive patterns and get's me out of mental ruts, even if it's not something I'm passionate for. Thank fully tonight is the best my lower back has felt since it got hurt. It seems like my body took advantage of the complete lack of activity and just focused on healing. 

A LOT was accomplished yesterday... I honestly made some pretty decisive, intuitive and perhaps risky moves. I feel like today was a quasi ego backlash where I was just mentally processing from "yep I just did all of that..." I still have a lot of processing to do, but overall my goals for this weekend were fully accomplished. 

It just sucks because I don't think my living situation is the healthiest for emotional/mental processing, but it's just part of the challenge right now with this phase of life. I understand it will pass. 

Edited August 17, 2020 by Consilience

[Consilience]

Day 14 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 8 - Bed by 10pm Sun-Thur/ Bed by 11pm Fri-Sat

I think Sundays have some how habitually turned into low vibration days. It's like Sundays are the day I'm likely to feel my worst physically, mentally, and emotionally. Today I felt WAY better despite working. I'm going to pay particular attention this Sunday to see what happens. 

[Consilience]

Day 15 - No Porn/No PMO

Day 9 - Bed by 10pm Sun-Thur/ Bed by 11pm Fri-Sat

 

I started thinking about my most recent LSD and mushroom trips tonight and broke down. Feelings of

• unworthiness
• loneliness
• disappointment
• pathetic 
• lost 
• unsure 
• Selfishness
• Anger 

I feel so frustrated at my body, at my lack of energy that just surfaces. My nutrition is on point, my sleep is on point, my exercise is on point, literally everything except I have a major illness that makes living in this broken society feel like an enormous uphill battle the entire way. I feel like I'm in a never ending war with my body and energy levels. Grinding out a regular job leaves my mind and body in a total fog by the end of the day. I barely have energy to workout, never mind exert creative energy towards any sort of long term visioning. 

I'm frustrated about how badly I fucked up with the girl I texted while on mushrooms. I'm frustrated that I can't go out and meet new women from the virus. I'm frustrated about being a fucking wage slave buried under a mountain of debt I created for myself as an 18 year old idiotically listening to my parents and guidance counselors who told me "debt was okay." I'm tired of the utter unconsciousness of our fellow man. I feel like I don't truly connect with anyone in real life, utterly alone. 

I have nothing materially gained from the last 6 years of my life. Single. Living with my parents. Buried in debt. Chained to a healthcare system which financially rapes me just so I can stay alive. 

But somewhere in my heart I know that despite these challenges, there is nothing do but strive to share my highest gifts with the world. There is nothing to do in any one life but fight tooth and nail to self actualize. 

 

 

Edited August 19, 2020 by Consilience