Less is more

[Gesundheit]

A little commentary on the stupid MBTI system:

I haven't studied the model in depth, but I think I have enough reasons to dismiss it as a whole.

First of all, I've done about 5 tests over the last few years. 4 of them in the past two years, and 3 of them in the past couple of days. My results were shockingly different depending on the website where I took the test. Here, I'll be discussing my 4 latest results. The old 5th one I won't be talking about because I don't remember what it was.

So, I did the first two tests on 16personalities.com with one year in between. I got ISFJ-T at first. I didn't care much, and I thought it was okay. But then a few days ago, I redid the test and got ISFP-A. I started wondering how it works and I posted this thread here and received fairly good answers;

Now, before I did the other two tests, I watched a few of the suggested videos explaining the model. But I could not follow along with them at first, especially when it came to the cognitive functions. It seemed complex and out of my league (intellectually). Now I think I have a good idea of the functions, even though not a very deep one. I can see what the letters possibly point to and mean. But I can't really identify myself with any particular one. The reason I did the recent tests before studying in-depth was because I don't want to waste my time studying something that isn't true or practical, because truth and practicality are my top values. I always work my theory along with the practice. I can't learn a lot of theory without putting enough practice, cuz that would make me living in a fantasy. Likewise, I can't practice a lot without learning enough theory, cuz that would be kinda foolish and pointless. So the two go together in balance, although not symmetrical. Usually the perfect balance is about 80% practice and 20% theory.

So back to the MBTI, I tried to identify myself with the little information I have. I failed severely, every single time;

I tried that with tests where I was completely ignorant of the model, and with tests after I learned a little (it helps for understanding what the questions are about, but it could create biased answers), and eventually without tests most recently. I still can't identify myself as any particular type or with any particular traits. Even the introverted trait that seems to be predominant throughout all the tests and in my actual life, I can still envision scenarios where I could become extroverted, particularly if I was rich.

To my point, the results I've got mostly were kinda balanced and symmetrical. I never got anything very much leaning to one side against the other, except for the introverted trait, which still is not that much. This makes me think that the whole system of evaluation is stupid and the way the questions are framed affects my answers. There's rarely been any questions where I was like: "Yes, this is exactly who I am". I'm always like: "What are you even asking about? I dunno, man. It depends. I could be this way or that way. etc...". And most of my answers I'm hesitant and unsure about. Because of this, everytime I do the test, I quickly lose focus and interest immediately after answering a few questions. And then the results come in, and they come almost in perfect balance. Most of the time, it's less than 60% against 40%. Only the introverted trait is nearly 70%. This reminds me of the democratic voting process. If 51% supports one side, they win. And so all Americans want Biden, even though, technically, nearly half of them don't. Do you see how stupid that is? It's like trying to have an answer for an unanswerable question. I can't take it seriously when 40% of me is a feeler but it gets dismissed for a 60% of sensing. And actually, I could easily explain that slight difference away by saying that the framing of the questions is the reason why, that becomes apparent by having different results from different test forms.

Also, there is the factor of how I interpret the questions. I am sure that if I were to take the same tests right now, then I would get different results. I can't remember what I answered because I don't answer wholeheartedly, and everytime I read and interpret the questions differently. Sometimes I see things that I didn't see earlier, and some other times I forget to take certain things into account. That is why it's a highly contextual matter and no one answer could ever be the right answer.

I think it's worth considering that every time I took the test, I was in a state of flow, i.e. no-self/ego-death. I don't mean that in a mystical sense, just in a way that does not make me have a sense of direction or purpose. So I set my agendas aside and let my inner self answer, and that usually happens automatically. I recently realized that I'm ego-less more often than not, thanks for truth being my top priority.

I certainly have more to say, but I can't seem to find the thoughts. I'll add if I find something significant to add.

Edited December 21, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Gesundheit]

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panentheism

Interesting! Thanks for Joseph Maynor for talking about this concept.

[Gesundheit]

One month left for the exams. I should start preparing before it's too late. I have 6 materials left. 1 of them from the 4th year, and the remaining 5 from the current 5th year, like the following:

• Surgery (part 1); General/Abdomen.
• Surgery (part 4); Cosmetic/Osteo-traumatic/Paediatric.
• Ophthalmology.
• Rheumatology.
• Paediatrics (part 2).
• Forensic Medicine.

I will come up with a plan/schedule and post it here.

Edited December 24, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Gesundheit]

It's by far the hardest problem I have ever faced. College and graduation. How did I get here?

I started school at 5 years old, one year ahead of other kids because my mother was a teacher. It's a legal benefit that parents can give to their children if they work for the government. And for the first 9 years, I was always the best or one of the best students in school, I wouldn't say effortlessly, but I did not struggle mentally, it was always within my mind capabilities. My mom always believed I'm a genius, not sure why. Then I got into high-school with a bunch of superior students who had also been at the top of their primary and secondary schools. They were extraordinarily intelligent, to the point where it was terrifying.  I did not stand a chance. And thus, I started developing depression without me knowing. So, three years passed, and I graduated. At 2013, I started medical school (6 years in total here, although as far as I know, in Western countries it's just 4 years, but anyway), which means I should be graduated by now, but that's not what happened. I passed the first three years similar to school, challenging but no major problems. But then at the 4th year, with all the existential crises, internal struggles, depression, neuroses, OCDs, ADHD, night terror, dark night of the soul, heartbreak, war, poverty, work, and on top of all that trying to remain Muslim. It was hell, and I could not take it anymore. I broke down. I had to repeat the 4th year thrice, and the 5th year twice. So that's where I am today; repeating the 5th year after battling with reality for years. At least now there's no suffering and there's much more balance and clarity. I still am not in my optimal state yet. I am a lot better than this. But what can I do? I had exhausted my limits. I need to rest and heal. I need to treat myself gently. I need to nurture myself. I need to give myself what I have deprived it of before. I am getting better everyday, and sometimes I slide back, but in the big picture it's all moving upwards. Everything is curable. Stay strong, and never lose hope.

Edited December 23, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Gesundheit]

VID-20201223-WA0001.mp4

???

[Gesundheit]

2 hours ago, Keyhole said:

@Gesundheit Have you had the opportunity to really go into how all of that made you feel in a really in depth and nuanced way? Down to the very core of it?

Of course, and it's complicated I can't put it all into words, but I'll try...

First of all, I am naturally more inclined towards physical than intellectual activity (or at least something more balanced than purely intellectual). And so the whole studying thing in general goes against my nature, or at least is not in complete alignment with it.

Second, and consequently, my only motive for studying was fear. Fear of being judged by my parents, which was transmuted into and masked as fear of failure. I never really had any passion for studying.

Third, since I entered school one year younger than other students, and due to the enormous growth that happens during puberty, I was left out, like mentally when compared to my peers. I entered high-school at 14 while most other students at 15. A lot of changes occur during that time gap. I was like a child among adults. It was not fair competition to begin with. That became clear as I started gravitating towards younger students, which made me feel, let alone actually be alienated from my peers.

Fourth, the high-school I went to was not an ordinary one. It was one that only accepts certain students who apply and pass their test. The name of the school has "for superior students" in it. My parents had me applying, and I barely passed the test and got accepted. I was in the last 10 out of all the 90 students who got accepted. And so, clearly I was not exactly within their league.

Fifth, most of the other students were from a higher class than mine (money-wise), and they didn't used to work (not that my family needed money, but my parents thought it was better for me to work so I could learn to be independent and responsible). I used to work full-time during the summer, and part-time alongside school.

Sixth, most of those students applied for medical school too. So I was stuck with them, in addition to 500 more students of the likes (again, I was in the last 10 who got accepted).

Seventh, those students are not ordinary. They're genetic freaks, literally. It was like being an owl amongst eagles.

Eighth, since I used to be at the top of school up to 9th grade, I used to take it for granted. And so, when I was faced with equally good and better students, I was shocked and couldn't adapt very well. Before, I didn't have to earn my friends, I was kinda spoiled in that aspect. But then, in high-school, I tried but couldn't earn friends due to lack of social intelligence due to lack of interaction due to work and other factors.

Ninth, I was completely dependent on my parents, and I couldn't do anything without their help. And so, naturally, I didn't know how to navigate through the hardships of high-school and had to just wait until I passed and it was over. My mom told me that I could change school if I didn't like it there, but I was afraid that I would disappoint her and my dad. So, I sucked it up and stayed (same thing reoccured in medical school).

I think that's a good enough summary.

2 hours ago, Keyhole said:

@Gesundheit 
Your language is really beautiful by the way, it really flows and has a lot of emotion in it.  Same with how the writing looks.

 

I like this song! Thanks. I try to always learn more. My English is decent, but not fluent. Glad you like my writings. I guess it has to do with the fact that I live currently from a place of no-self for the most part. And as for the emotions part, I am currently numb, I don't feel anything when I write, but of course it comes from deep places inside me.

Thanks for the rest of the comment and the videos.

Edited December 23, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Gesundheit]

Fucking ADHD, and fucking toothache.

Suuuuuurrrrrrrreeeeennnnderrrrrrrrr.

[Gesundheit]

Just got my fucking wisdom tooth removed. My remaining 1% wisdom is now gone. Now I'm a 100% idiot.

My sister is a dentist. She took care of that SOB. Too bad I can't connect to her emotionally. I was raised with a mindset that doesn't allow such connection to exist. But I will work on it.

Edited December 26, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Gesundheit]

1 hour ago, Keyhole said:

@Gesundheit Maybe we are all robots deep down inside.  Just a bunch of players in a game with a limited set of options.

Haha! Maybe 

1 hour ago, Keyhole said:

@Gesundheit I had mine removed when I was 14, maybe this explains why I'm such a wet sandwich.

This was my second wisdom tooth. The other two were more wise and chose not to come out, and by this logic you're wiser than me 

1 hour ago, Keyhole said:

@Gesundheit 
Were you legitimately questioning today why you can't connect to your sister emotionally while she was pulling a tooth out of your mouth?

Yep. I was grateful for her for removing my pain, but I couldn't express that properly.

1 hour ago, Keyhole said:

@Gesundheit 

 

The hell was that?! 

[Gesundheit]

Not feeling very well. I have mild flu symptoms. Seems like my immune system didn't take removing that tooth very well. I'll just keep resting until I feel better.

[Gesundheit]

Trying to stay hydrated. I still feel ill. Fatigue and pain throughout the body. I can't think or do anything.

Human beings are weak creatures.

[Gesundheit]

@Keyhole Appreciate the care. I'll get better soon.

Speaking of berries, I don't know what these are:

But they look really beautiful through my lens.

[Gesundheit]

Let's get back on track:

• I have to come up with a plan for the upcoming exams (studied for 10 minutes and got sick for 2 days; doesn't look promising ).
• I have to come up with a new year's resolution.
• I have to write a review of 2020 (maybe).

Not now. It doesn't feel right yet.

[Gesundheit]

This is probably going to be my last post in this journal. I will make a review of 2020 and talk about my new year's resolution.

A lot of mistakes been made, but a lot of lessons been learned. A lot, too, has been made aware of through new experiences and insights. I've met new people and learned from them. I've met myself in my most authentic states and discovered self-love. I've discovered new depths of peace of mind, and have overcome a lot of problems and traumas through that discovery alone. I've recognized where I am exactly on the path. I've realized patterns that I still have to work on deconstructing. And a lot more. I can confidently say that I have lived 2020 to the fullest, and that I don't regret any single part of it.

But all of that, NOW, is in the past. The new year calls for a new start; 2020 won't even exist anymore in less than 72 hours. Everything that happened will be gone with it. Whatever happened in 2020 is now dying and will be completely dead soon. I will start a new journal with the main intentions of increasing bodily awareness to 100% if it's possible, and taming the ox, cuz that's where I am. Taming The Ox will probably be the best title for the new journal.

I wanna thank everyone; friends and foes, close and far, young and old, alive and dead, in the north and the south and the east and the west, for creating this magnificent experience for me, even though it wasn't exactly pleasant for me at times. I wanna declare that I forgive everyone who's ever done me anything wrong, by intent or not. And I wanna ask for forgiveness, as well, from whoever got hurt by me in whatever means. We are all just travellers, and life is too short and precious to be wasted on overthinking silly stuff. Of course, the lessons acquired imply that I should be more picky with the things/people/experiences I am letting into my life in the future, but that doesn't mean I can't forgive and forget. I certainly can. LoA teaches us to focus on what we want, and that's what I always try to do. Recognizing patterns and letting them go is the way to go. Growth attitude: Everything and everyone is always a lesson for you.

• What is Spirituality/Enlightenment? It's the full embodiment of not-knowing. It's like a college that you go through to unlearn everything your society has taught you. You realize that you don't actually know anything, and then you try to become that realization. You only fully graduate after passing the ultimate exam; the fear of death. Once you're no longer affected by the fear of death, you will be completely free. And that will be liberation (A lot of imposters claim to be there).
• What is Self-Actualization? It's the full fulfilment of all your needs in the present moment. Another path to enlightenment, but quite different. I would say that it's for extroverts as opposed to the classical enlightenment route.
• What is stage Turquoise? It's the combination and integration of the two paths above.

Be yourself. The world will adjust.

Edited December 29, 2020 by Gesundheit