Less is more

[Gesundheit]

Soon I will be looking to make a radical shift in my income. If things work out properly with college, I should be able to have a year for myself to explore this path. I will start looking for making money online. The only problem I have is that this kind of thing is not possible in my country. There's no paypal or anything like that and I don't even really understand how it works to be honest. So I will try to find someone living abroad whom I can trust, and use their help to manage the money and send it here to me. Right now I could only think of a few ways to make money. But I will have to complete a few courses in design apps like photoshop and corel draw. I will try to learn about other apps as soon as I get good at those two. All I need is a good start, a few dollars. And I am certain I can take care of the rest. I only need one person abroad who is willing to help me with the first few dollars. I'll probably not need more than 20$. I think it'll be enough.

[Gesundheit]

Nobody understands. Nobody.

Everytime I love someone or something, I end up getting hurt. The only way my mind will interpret that is by equating love with pain. I am 100% sure that nobody likes to hurt themselves, except maybe for masochists. When people talk about trusting others and loving others, they forget that they have had positive experiences with that. In my case, every single time I loved, I got hurt. There was never an exception for this rule. Not even a single one. Furthermore, I started thinking that I may be hurting others as well with the love I have, because my good intentions usually get misunderstood and then fireback at me. It's like the world is telling me to stop loving and stop having good intentions. Be a devil. That's how I see it.

I am not exaggerating when I say that I was never loved. The only love I've ever gotten from others is egoic love, i.e. they always expected to get something from me. Even my parents didn't/don't really love me. They only treat me good so that I feel obliged to take care of them when they're old. They're so obvious. And they believe that they're actually loving me with their twisted form of egoic love. The only person that I thought had truly understood me and loved me for who I am, was a girl I met last year. She seemed like God. Everything about her was so special, that it restored part of my faith in love. Unfortunately, her parents were from a different religious background and they had us to break up. At least that's what she said. Now I'm beginning to think that she never truly loved me either. And that she made up that excuse to get away from me. I'm doubting the only thing I ever thought was true love. My expectations were very low from the beginning, yet never got fulfilled.

So yeah, I'm now cynical of everyone and everything as trust has never been a rewarding thing for me.

One last thing is that I find the advice some people offer about not having expectations silly. If I should stop having expectations, then I should behave however I want and not submit to society's expectations either. Otherwise, that would only be abuse to me. I would then be compensating for society's injustice by repressing myself, and that is not a thing that I will allow anymore. I've got repressed and traumatized too much. I am done with that. I will never let others have it by stepping on me, even if that would cost me my life.

[Gesundheit]

The main reason for all the shortcomings that I have in my life is the scarcity I'm in right now. Poverty is a serious problem. Not only it limits the amount of things you can do. It also limits how you think about everything. It creates a scarcity mindset in your mind, necessarily so. Because otherwise, you're going to spend your precious money on things that are secondary and when you need something primary or face an emergency, you'll find yourself empty-handed. Right now I need a dental treatment but I can't afford it so I keep postponing it. There are many things that I need to do but can't because of poverty. I need a complete dental check and care. I need at least a medium range laptop for online work. I need to upgrade the quality of my food. I need to upgrade/fix my phone. In short, I need the financial freedom that money offers. I'm severely limited to my money situation and there doesn't seem to be an easy way around it. When the economy was good and I wasn't in poverty, I was doing great overall. Everything was going great and as planned. I was doing better than most of my peers. I was top class. Until the economy started deteriorating, and everything began to drop down. At that time I didn't realize it. But poverty held me back in many different ways. I'd lost all my self worth and self-esteem. I wanted to not be a burden on my family so I started ignoring my needs. I started eating less and demanding less, until I reached a point where I stopped desiring anything. I died for the good of my family. But my parents are very poor managers of finance. My father is addicted to smoking and doesn't know how to spend money well. He always does the wrong things and doesn't read well into the future. And my mother always cares about what others think and not on our actual needs, even though she's more aware of our needs than my father. They fight all the time and that's the norm. But back to myself, I unconsciously and out of love, sacrificed myself for them and they weren't worth it. Not that they're evil, but that they're ignorant, too rigid, too logical, too limited, and too short-sighted. In some way, I regret the sacrifices I have made. Yet, in another, I'm grateful. I couldn't have possibly been where I'm at today if it wasn't for what I did.

So, right now a new possible path is starting to take shape in front of me. It wasn't possible before for me to work online because of the limited internet access that I used to have. Now it's still limited, but much better than before. At least it's 20 GB per month instead of 2 GB. Although the speed is now much slower, but it compensates for the data size. At least now I can find some courses that teach different design apps, which I'm interested in and have a basic experience with. I can then start expanding and learning some programming languages and Android development. I can take my life into a whole new level. I only recently realized that anything related to computer can be my passion. The reason I was so ignorant of that is because I didn't have access to computers for most of the past decade. The electricity situation was very unstable and the computer was broken most of the time, and fixing it was expensive. I used to love everything about computers when I was a kid, but I was separated from it due to the civil war. I will try to reconnect with my passion and leave the college path that my parents had chosen for me. It's just not going to work. I hate everything about medicine. I don't want to be a doctor. It's just not who I am.

To be continued... (I think)

[Gesundheit]

Okay so here's my plan for online working, I have found someone abroad who is willing to help store and transfer the money. I don't know if I can trust him, but currently I don't have any other choice. Now, I will start an account on Fiverr.com and basically start by observing successful people on there and reading articles about how to stand out etc... And I will focus initially on business card design. That will be my main field of interest. From what I have read, Fiverr allows you to offer services for at least 5$. This is a good number for me. If I could manage to make 5$ a day, it would be a huge upgrade. But that's not the only plan. Actually, Fiverr will be plan B so to speak. My main money making will probably be from transcription services. It does not pay much, but like I said above, even 5$ a day is a great deal for me at this point. Although I think I can make it up to 50$ a day depending on the electricity situation cuz I need my PC running. I certainly will try to make as much as I can, but I am a little bit hesitant about the credibility of the sites I'm going to apply for. I don't want to be working for several days and then gain nothing in return.

My plan is more sophisticated than this though. I don't plan on making Fiverr the only place to offer my services. There are other sites that are similar and I plan on using as many as I can find. And as for transcription, I will probably use other sites that don't require commitment or experience. I still have to look into these.

I don't know how to market my services online.

And P.S. my research is nowhere near done yet.

[Gesundheit]

I am sick of not being understood.

I feel very sad. It was a mistake to open that floodgate of love. I have been intermittently crying over the past couple of days. Feeling deep sadness, like heart break sadness. The feeling is in the heart area. More like fragmented pieces of a broken heart trying to reunite. I wouldn't say it's a feeling of depression though. My energy levels are still normal. And I can focus on activities if I forget the stories attached to the feeling. My libido decreased quite a bit though. On the other hand, it feels like something else was unlocked. Something that has a feminine core, like I've got in touch with a deep feminine side of myself, and like an intuitive guidance system or something like that got activated. I can't yet pinpoint it and I may be deluding myself. I don't feel comfortable with this relatively new mode of being. It's made me abandon many of the rational decisions that I made throughout the past decade. Or maybe it's just a coincidental synchronicity that in reality has nothing to do with love.

I would like to return back to my neutral state but it's not a matter of choice. I can't control my emotions. It all started when I listened to this song:

This singer is one of the most famous ones locally in the Arabic world, very feminine. You can rarely find any girl that doesn't like her. She's like the Goddess of Arab music. The funny thing is that I've never listened to any of her songs before. I don't listen to anything Arabic for that matter. From an early age I liked western music. I don't like R&B and generic pop. I'm more of a Reggae/Dancehall, Rap/Hip Hop, and Rock/Alternative kind of guy.

So anyway, right now I totally resonate with the song. It describes my situation perfectly. Here's a translation of the lyrics:

"Send my greetings to him

Go and send my greetings to him

Tell him I yearn for him

He is the one with no one alike

My darling, all along the way

Go and send my greetings to him

..

I long so much for the day we could meet again

And forget all the admonition and the blame

And chat together and laugh together

And stroll on the ways of love

And sleep and wake up in your arms

..

Go and tell him, I'll talk to nobody else

Oh dear God, bless that smile, how much do I love it

And ask him how's he doing

Is he still on a break-up? And still dreaming, like me, about reunion?

Or do I even ever cross his mind? Like he does

..

Send my greetings to him

Go, this is the address

Check upon him and see if he's sad

Or if someone else has found their way to his heart

Protect my sweetheart from water droplets

And from the easy breeze around him

..

Go and tell him, I want no one else

No one would love him like I do

And add to his life from mine, within my greetings

And tell him, life is short

Come back to me, and let's be happy together with the struggle

Oh how sweet, the rest of my life would be

[repeat chorus]

[ending]

Edited September 6, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Gesundheit]

Yesterday was different. The emotional state flattened so to speak. I could barely feel sad. However, there seemed to be a blockage in the heart area, like a stuck energy, that is preventing sadness from manifesting. I was not trying to repress the sadness, but that's what was happening. I think I could have popped up that bubble if I listened to some feminine song, but I didn't feel like it so I didn't do it.

For the majority of the time, I was feeling neutral, but then as I started my 2 hours meditation session, a lot of negative thoughts started arising, not sure why. I started remembering all the times I fucked up and how I could have been/done better. At the same time, I realized many of mistakes and shortcomings and where they came from. I didn't grow up properly, and that messed up my identity. I didn't learn how to belong. But that's not important for the journal. And by the end of my meditation session, I got separated from my thoughts. I was able to detach and observe them. They had no power over me anymore. They got neutralized. That's my baseline state. That's home. Now I'm home.

[Gesundheit]

Working online is harder than I thought it would be. I will re-evaluate this thing before going any further. Most of the jobs consume a lot of mental energy. They require a high mental capacity, which I don't have. I prefer physical activities, or some mind-numbing/repetitive kinds of jobs. I don't have a brilliant mind. Not even an average one. My mind is extremely lazy and slow. That may be the biggest downside to awakening. My mind is not my enemy anymore. It's my best friend. I have unimaginable clarity, thanks to the many hours of meditation.

In the end, turns out I would choose poverty over mind-demanding jobs. Yeah, that's who I am. I prefer dying in peace than living in hell.

[Gesundheit]

Leo on 5-Meo.

[Gesundheit]

It may be the case that the human being must fall a few times into different ideologies before they can see the trick and then break completely free. But still, it makes no difference whatsoever.

[Gesundheit]

During meditation, and nearly at sunset, a feeling of sadness arose. Luckily, awareness was there. I was very present. The feeling then turned into something similar to the video attached below. Awareness penetrated the sadness and shined through it. The sadness was there untouched, yet it was painted in the light of awareness like a cosmic joke, and something to swing and roll with.

VID-20200910-WA0012.mp4

[Gesundheit]

 

[Gesundheit]

No words can communicate.

[Gesundheit]

On an open-ended vacation/retreat. Will report later, or maybe not. I like being alone.

[Gesundheit]

Q: Why am I?

A: What the hell are you even talking about?!

Practicing self-inquiry with shamanic breathing. LMAO

[Gesundheit]

Sexual attraction destroyed!

There's nothing sexy about a human body, or any other body or thing, to be fair. Attraction does not work on the level of appearance. It works on multiple levels, and thought is the major component. "Attractive" is an emergent quality that is generated by the perceiver through thought. There is nothing hot or sexy about a female body. I would certainly not have sex with the dead corpse of Jennifer Lopez, regardless of how sexy her body, clothing, and make-up may be. Beauty is an emergent quality generated by the mind. And it has very little to do with survival (of the body), but very much to do with conditioning (survival of the ego/identity).

This changes everything. Now there is a sudden, yet huge, loss of interest in women. Tbh, it wasn't a huge interest to begin with. More of temporary sessions of obsession, really.

Now I feel freer than ever.

Edited October 5, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Gesundheit]

The more I see of God, the less appealing life feels to me. Yet, at the same time, it feels a lot easier to, you know, just live.

[Gesundheit]

Eureka! Finally, the insight I was waiting for!

God is not infinitely intelligent, but the ego is infinitely stupid. As well, God is not infinitely loving, but the ego is infinitely fearful.

It all makes sense now. And for sure, Leo is infinitely deluded lol.

[Gesundheit]

 

[Gesundheit]

The moment you talk about it you lose it.

[Gesundheit]

Look what I've found! Another Easter Egg!

Translation:

Rule number 520:

"Don't go around chasing butterflies.

Fix your garden, and let all the butterflies come to you."

I've found this calligraphy (very popular for tombstones) two hours ago during walking meditation. It was written on a block near the railroad. My life has always been rich of Easter Eggs, sometimes even really unpleasant ones, but still.

At the first sight, I was surprised to see that quote. It says rule number 520 so I assumed it would be one of the rules of love, from the book "The 40 Rules Of Love", which is a modern novel written by a female writer I don't recall her name, that talks about Rumi and Shams Tabrizi, which were Sufis and in love with each other. Shams was a Sufi wanderer, and Rumi (before Shams) was a logical Islamic figure and a religious leader (Imam). Shams taught Rumi about Sufism and thus they fell in divine love together. Shams said it was destined and he was only simply following God's orders.

Anyway, I did a quick search, and turns out it's not one of the rules. It's not from the book. It's just a random quote. The reason why this is a special thing is because it's very rare to find such things. It's the first time I've ever seen a calligraphy in the streets. It's always just stupid graffitis that have no sense of creativity, not even colors. Just black graffitis, sometimes preceded by a hashtag sign. And that's it. So, I'm assuming it's been written by someone who has got recently dumped, and was trying to move on. The calligraphy though is interesting. He/she expressed themselves in an artistic way. Or maybe I'm assuming much. Maybe it's just someone practicing or showing off calligraphy and happened to use that block as a canvas. It's not perfectly written and has obvious flaws, so I favor the second possibility. Someone was practicing.

Nice try God, next time surprise me with something different.

Edited October 24, 2020 by Gesundheit