I matter.

[Applegarden]

To continune a bit -- i feel like i don't have anything and haven't achieved any of my vision, i feel cheated by my external circumstances. However i put all my effort so that i be blissfull and unclutch from everything. It throws me into that little bit of expanded state of consciousness, or that nothingness. I don't know if my life will get better to the point that i can be more creative and suffer mundane bullshit less. Honestly i am slowly considering just putting more and more time and energy on my awareness by dropping pleasures and hobbies after work and then just hopefully getting enlightened and finding a way to leave the body. This is not the only realm also, but whats the point of all realms if you don't feel free. It feels so radical that inwouldn't tell this to my dearest friends but, if i had a chance to leave now and not come back, this instant, i would do it without looking back. Everything reaks mediocrity and gain/loss suffering and pleasure dynamic.

[Applegarden]

@ivankiss yeah, its saddening, but i really do feel the love from you and i do have some to spare. Really made me genuinely smile. Thank you. I hope to hear the proper release of yours and whatever else you will have to share.

[ivankiss]

@Applegarden It's not checking out that you truly desire. It's tuning in - fully.

I 'left the body' and 'this realm'. Trust me - this is exactly where and when you want to be, the most. You just might not remember choosing to come down here - to put it that way.

Remembering that choice by detaching from your circumstances might be what's relevant for you. I don't really know where you are at. But come back you will, for sure. Why? To create epic, never-before-heard music and bring love and joy to everyone's hearts and ears. I don't know you, but I can tell that's what your heart truly desires.

And you bet I'll update you as soon as I release new material ? 

(You made me smile, too. Thanks ?)

Edited July 7, 2020 by ivankiss

[Applegarden]

@ivankiss I mean yeah sure, almost all the  readers have told me that i have a tendency to want to share my joy of playing music, my skills and knowledge has gone pretty fucked up, for the relatively little time i happened to put effort into this. Yes i have immense creative juices flowing and i am passionate for hearing and creating sounds.

When i stopped playing for a while, i got so numb in the body, like i could almost feel physically that that desire lingers strongly in my body.

And i remember from very early childhood, i was always fascinated by sound, not just music, even the shit you hear at work from machines.

And just about every time, i play something random on guitar, riff or set of chords or improv ovet backing track, i feel really happy. And i play better for what, practicing like 5-10 hours a week maybe, sometimes without a practice schedule. 

That being said... you already know. I am trying to hang on and live like i wanted when i decided that i wanna be a musician. That doesn't quite work... because i am not a machine. But a deluded human being. I don't even have the persitence to practice my parts to record them because i don't see the vision. Everything happens somehow.

I would like to release something very juicy and well arranged and tought out. That takes years of effort. Very mundane years in which you have to preserve your sanity to not burn out and harm yourself even more and cause real problems and make really bad big life decisions.

My heart is so full and i haven't really said anything. I know you feel the same way. It was really inspiring to interact. Thanks again.

[ivankiss]

@Applegarden You are on the right track and you already know that. You just have to keep walking. ?

❤

[cetus]

57 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

he probably sees me as his grandson, nutcase but still to be loved I guess) 

It's more like the Love one has for the harmless town drunk who keeps wondering out into traffic on Main street.

[ivankiss]

@cetus ?

[Applegarden]

@ivankiss hey man, thanks for the encouragment. I really needed that. And i genuinely wish the best for you!

[ivankiss]

@Applegarden Right back at ya! ...and...anytime, brother ?

[zeroISinfinity]

8 minutes ago, cetus said:

It's more like the Love one has for the harmless town drunk who keeps wondering out into traffic on Main street.

?

Funny because it is true. So intoxicated I really am need to cool off. Cold shower and all that stoic stuff. 

Rubber ducks won't like that. 

Edited July 7, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[ivankiss]

@zeroISinfinity

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over

Why can't we sleep forever
I just want to start this over

?

[kag101]

On 07/07/2020 at 6:18 PM, Applegarden said:

The external situation is kinda garbage but internally i have to accept and move on, i have no other choice but to choose intensity. Most of my free time, the little that i have left goes to meditation and eblightenment work to bear my circumstances.

I'm sorry you're going through so much shit. I hope you get better, man!