The Upward Journey

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 1

I've been wanting to create a journal here, ever since I saw the Actualized.org forum first open. I told myself that I would, once I had made more progress in goals, and would have more spiritual milestones to talk about. I'm still shoring up the swiss cheese holes in my Hierarchy of Needs, and so this journal is being written more out of necessity than victory.

I've been fighting an addiction to video games, porn, anime, and really all things involving sitting in front of a screen all day, for nine years. I've had some of these addictions from when I was old enough to sit in front of a screen. So it was easy to see nine years ago that the biggest improvement I would ever make in my life would be to take a step away from these vices, and focus on the task at hand, living life on my terms. I had a spiritual awakening with Christianity then, so my new religious zeal allowed me to stay free for a number of months. Then on and off. Years later, with religious disillusionment, the vices still ebbed and flowed, hurting my college grades, and driving me to depression and suicidal thoughts for the first time in my life.

I took time off to go through paramedic school, and get my life back together, at least superficially. I've battled with depression on and off since, but I've also made many improvements. I no longer need the friendship or approval of others, which I so desperately craved in the past, though I still appreciate both. My insecurity about attracting and interacting with women has gone away, and I'm able to be highly extroverted when in a social setting. I also know that I can handle the stress of a crisis very well. And slowly but surely, I've been learning how to balance the harmful amount of compassion and self sacrifice I had ingrained into me from religious years, with a healthy amount of selfishness and callousness.

Even though the training was stressful, and my bad habits came out in force during it, the time afterwards when I worked as a paramedic were some of the happiest months of my life. I really do think my vices are a backlash from studying subjects at school that I don't find interesting, and my ADD doesnt want to listen to me either. They've also made it very difficult to have any semblance of a meditation habit. That said, these problems were minimal when I worked, and I was able to save up enough money to travel to another country and try Ayahuasca. Traveling solo for the first time was far more life changing than the ceremonies, though they were my first time with psychedelics, and I did learn quite a bit. In my last ceremony, I wanted to have an out of ego experience, and instead saw an image of myself becoming a demonic god, and I wanted to worship then, and part of me still does. That's likely my opinion of my ego. Honestly, I'm conflicted whether I want to change that, but that's a story for another day.

I also was able to travel to an outdoor survival course, during the last week of which we were voluntarily tortured. I probably made it five minutes once the actual torture began. That experience has provided a physical representation of my depression and addictions. Bag over my head, handcuffs on my wrists, and pepperspray searing every inch of my body, as those around me scream from far worse torment. I feel like that is the hell of my mindscape when I resist the pleasures, or the pain I experience at night when I've given in and my life is still hollow.

So today is day 1 again (I've tried this as many times as there are days in a year, in my personal journal, and even in another public one). I've been back to finish my undergraduate degree for the past year, and my dreams of becoming doctor were dashed. I've decided to switch career fields, and through a lot of turmoil, I'm happy with my new career choice: cybersecurity. I've already failed my first calculus test this summer from getting stressed out and going back to gaming. I've also really hurt my girlfriend, because we've been talking more about my use of porn, and every time I've admitted to have watched it recently, she feels as if she's been slapped in the face.

I've been clean from porn for the past week, give or take, with the occassional slip up of looking at looking at images briefly (which I know brings me ever closer to the edge of more), and deleted all my games again last night. Deleting the games, and even accounts, has been done many times. I've even given away my laptop before. I'd watch gaming videos at the library, and that was before I had a smart phone. Ultimately, I know this change has to be within. 

So I'm trying what I've heard jokingly called by Alex Becker, NoFap Nightmare Mode. For me:

1. No PMO.

2. No video games. I only can listen to youtube, if its for personal development, unless its a math video for class. I can only watch tv, movies, or anime if its with friends or family, which I rarely do and am not worried about. It's when I view it on my own when I'm bored that I worry.

3. Limit overeating (I've notice I do that the past few months) and sugar. Limit negative thoughts.

4.  Focus on the positive things: getting enough sleep, daily running/pushups/shadowboxing/yoga, 20 minutes of meditation, and lots of reading/audiobooks. All of that on top of my school work and interacting, with loved ones. Hopefully that will keep me busy.

A month ago I really got into searching out how to further dissolve the ego, and whether its worthwhile, but I'm putting that on hold. I'll still use mindfulness exercises, because they will help me with my current task, but all I care about is freeing myself from these hard addictions in the meantime. Today I already felt hard urges, and I have the motivation of starting afresh. I'm worried about the next few days when that fades. That's why I'm glad I have this public journal. It feels vulnerable putting all of this out there, but I'm also glad and hope it will keep me accountable. Writing of my battles each day is something to look forward to. I want to see day 1 become day 365.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 2

Had some cravings. Was worried at times that I would slip up. Studying math in the morning was like pulling teeth, and I knew it wasnt going to happen. So I did a frustrating physiology assignment, and then cooked an incredibly early dinner, just to give myself something to preoccupy myself that was productive. Chores are a much better way of procrastinating than what I would do before.

After that, I already started slipping up by filling my time with self help youtube videos. The positive side is that I've kept to my goals, and even created a better workout plan. I finally did some math, and just ran 4 miles, which I haven't done in a month. As I ran, I finished Hagakure on audiobook. Very amazing read, though strange from a Western standpoint. Then again, Western culture is equally strange. The Samurai were death centric, and we are consumer centric. I especially like the Samurai idea of seeing yourself as already dead. In some ways as I am, since I thought of death in the past. Now I can live freely, for my death has already occurred. I also had conflicting feelings about a Samurai's unflinching loyalty to their lord. I've been trying to see if this would be a useful metaphor for self-discipline. Ultimately, though, my discipline has never held up long from flowery thoughts, Knowing that the time of youth, and of my life, is short, is far more motivating.

As craving waves hit me earlier today, I felt like I was being thrown around in the eye of a storm. But now I feel peace. I feel clean. And I feel like I can take on anything.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Last night I went to bed at a decent time for the first time in many days. And I just couldnt sleep. I tried for 2 hours. Then I broke down and watched a movie on my phone. Still couldnt sleep. Tried many techniques, but finally I caved into lust and PMO'd. Felt bad about it, but that didnt stop me from doing it again in the morning, using the tried and true excuse of having already broken my streak. I'm working on feeling less guilt for my actions, as my girlfriend has recommended. But that's the hardest part. I know it hurts her, which hurts me even more. She took it well when we talked about it tonight, but maybe I was being too vague about how badly I slipped up. Then again, we know each other extremely well, so its unlikely.

I pushed myself to complete a quiz, after watching some TV, then drove off to workout with my friend. Running in the heat with him really helped me get my head straight. We both talked about life for a long time, which was refreshing as well. He also told me not to be guilty. I feel really blessed to have so many supportive people in my life.

At home, I tried to recover some of my sleep, but it just left me with a foggy mind. I havent studied any math today. And that brings guilt too. Good news is I really dont want to reinstall my games or screw around all day in any other way, because I've become more aware of how boring and depressing they are. Their progress just stays stuck there, in limbo, once I go back to the real world. Meanwhile, my real self does not progress.

So I'm about to go to bed, but I want to look at a little math first. And I'm excited about spending time with my girlfriend tomorrow. I'm going to restore my streak tomorrow, and get more studying done.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Once I fall off the horse, I roll around in the dirt for a very long time.

I played games today, even reinstalling a game on steam. As I did it, I knew that detoxing my mind from dopamine is happy if I ever want to live a life that isnt full of suffering. Part of me didnt care. I uninstalled it, and am about to work on math.

I've started listening to a Great Courses audiobook on the barbarian tribes throughout history. To paraphrase the words of the ex-Navy Seal, David Goggins, I want to train my mind to be savage. I want to live as a ferocious beast in my mind. Only focusing on the task at hand. No more of this ADD nonsense.

I know that the trick is to enjoy completing one task after another. Trying not to focus on step 100, just what I am to do next.

Edit:

Even after that post, I almost went to play more video games in my browser. I used a variant of strong dermination sitting, where I just talk with myself, and work my problems out. I realized that I am getting old. I am 25, so I know this statement seems silly, but it seems like yesterday when I was 22, about to train to be an EMT. In fact, yesterday my friend reminded me that I am at my physical prime, for most people anyways, which we both know means it's downhill from there. I remember being 18, in high school, thinking this day was so far away.

I love video games. They are extremely fun. But I also hate them. One of the quotes that got me to quit originally, when I was 16, was ironically from Skyrim. This may be a misremembered, but the dragon Paarthurnax said something along the lines of, although he loves to speak, he gains far more from spending his days meditating in silence, The same is with me and gaming.

Edited July 6, 2020 by ClimbingTheTriangle

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

This has become a public journal of my shames. Yet I choose to feel no guilt. At the very least, as I go forward, I gain awareness. Awareness that games are empty, and stay in the computer, while my life slips by.

I had an morning of a few slip ups. Resisted PMO, which is good. My girlfriend came over, the first time in a few weeks. It was good to have her here. We spend a lot of time, nestled together, and I got a little bit of math done. Couldnt focus. The problem I've been working on all day is very tricky, and my focus has been extremely lackluster.

Also, the last living of our three cats is dying. Just lies on the floor all day, with her eyes open. I thought she was already dead, but she mewed when I petted her. Occasionally she will get up, and she appreciates the attention. My girlfriend and I sat with her as we studied. She likely won't make it another day. She's 19, so it's to be expected. Has outlived her sister by six years, and even outlived the kitten we took in last holiday season. Makes me really think about my mortality hard. How every day could be my last. I wish I could live with that perspective.

That savage warrior mentality. Last it was the samurai, and tonight I've been rewatching Vikings. I want to live with my death close in my mind. That is how I will live a better life. I could die any day. I'd rather not die a wastrel and a coward. I'd rather die abiding by my own code of honor, making my Higher Man, my god, proud.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Came closer today. In the morning, I was doing great, but the monotony of my calculus lecture led me to game. Did so until mid afternoon, where I ran with my girlfriend, listening to my audiobook on barbarian tribes.

After, I cooked dinner, and felt better. I know that it's the classes that lead me to such bad habits. Or rather, the stress. I don't want that electronic junk when I'm feeling well.

Our cat is still dying. Just lies around all day, and will meet quietly if she feels us petting her. We spend a lot of time reassuring her, whenever we pass by. Makes me introspect deeper. I know that anytime I see her, I may be looking at a corpse, because of how still she is. That Schrodinger's cat paradox is literally there before me. Reminds me that one day I'll be a corpse. Wish I could meet that fate feeling a lot more happy. Don't think I'll get there until I self actualize.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Didnt even try today. Eventually I did delete everything again, but the day was almost over. I tell myself something I have said thousands of times, that today is the last day. Then the next morning, why not one more.

My cat is dead. My dad heckled me on my grave digging ability. I kept quiet, because I knew that was how he mourned. He was closest to that cat, and I was closest to her sister, who died six years ago. Makes me feel very mortal to have held a dead creature in my hands, one I had known her whole life, and cover it with dirt. One day that will happen to me, and I hope those that physically bury me, and know that is simply a body now, just as I saw with the cat I loved. For that's what I'll be. So for now, I'm in between being a body and a being. I am both and neither. Maybe that is a form of self inquiry.

My life's goal is to be my own king, maybe my own god, but the latter may be found to be an unfruitful plan if I do go for ego dissolution. The former, though, will be essential for any path I take. SO WHY DO I PLAY WITH PETTY TRIFLES WHEN A CROWN AWAITS ME?

365 days. That's what it'll take. Each day, getting my school work done as soon as possible, No distractions: electronic entertainment, PMO, mindless internet browsing. That will give me the time to focus on the prize: exercise for my body, books and self help videos for my mind, spending time with loved ones for my social life, and meditation for my spirit. I want to focus my whole life around those four pillars. To live a simple life, that I could become a warrior priest for the first time in my life. And that warrior priest could become a King, one that I would gladly follow into hell.

Tomorrow is day 1. I swear this on all of my remaining honor and self respect. I have sworn oaths very few times in my life, so I know this holds weight. The penalty for failure is that I will move out of my parent's home. Out of comfort and ease. I will have to suffer and find my own way, if I am unable to gain the discipline I want after a year of work, here.

Also, if I continue to be unfocused with my school work, I will consult with a doctor about going back on ADD meds. It's something I don't want to do, but if meditation won't help, I must find a way to be successful in school.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 1

The vow worked. Every time I wanted to drift off the path, I thought to myself, "Is it worth getting kicked out of the house?" I know this is a very bestial way to control myself, but I suppose it shows I am a bestial kind of person. Last night, I thought of how when I make it a year, I want to get a tattoo. It will both symbolize that I no longer need the military as a backup plan (they frown on tattoos), for I will have made my own discipline, and as a visual reminder that I have become a free man.

I got some school work done today, with a decent amount of resistance. The hardest part of today was how numbingly bored I felt at times. My life lacks the adventure I want. I know that I have to build up to adventure. Just as the arduous task of paramedic school allowed me to work a fairly decent job, and pay for MMA lessons, and two amazing trips. The way I dealt with this was relistening to Warhammer 40k lore. Eventually it got boring, but it did remind me of how I once compared my mental demons, to their demons of the warp. That mental battle should keep me too focused to be bored.

So my main goal is to focus on being present in the moment. Using breathing techniques to be mindful. Any suffering I felt today was likely due to lack of mindfulness. 

 

After my online lectures, I went to run with my girlfriend. I did some hill sprints, but we mainly walked and talked. I told her of my vow, and I shared the link to my journal. I like the anonymity here, but I also enjoy sharing my thoughts with her in a different way. As I spoke with her, I realized that when I journal and do strong determination sitting, and sometimes even when I am deep in conversation, I feel more in touch with my subconscious. I generate useful ideas more easily.

She shared interesting news with me. She has been feeling disassociated from herself a lot, lately. As if outside her own body, in a dizzying way, and it has become more normal than not. I don't know whether this is a positive state or a negative one, but my instincts are that it can be either. It could be used for powerful self inquiry. But I get that it is currently miserable.

Also, while we walked, a friend called. His fiance is pregnant, so he shared how strange and sobering it was to realize that he would soon be a father. He's the same age as me, so this continues how surreal the world is for me as I grow older. So much around me changes, but I suppose the world within me constantly goes through radical change as well. I'm excited for him, and glad he invited me and my woman to be a part of his child's life.

I have a lab report to write tomorrow, and much math to do before my test next week. The real test begins as I deal with this new stress head on.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 2

Had a lab report to do today. Only work I didnt get done early, but also the most daunting. I woke up not wanting to do it. Created a plan of attack, then ate an early breakfast and took a nap, since I woke up super early. Got back up, and worked on it in chunks, listening to my audiobook on the history of nomadic tribes as a break each time. That audiobook is really changing how I view history.

It was difficult, but I got it done, just eating the elephant a bite at a time. The breaks were essential, to make it both an ok process and to have a good product. I really enjoyed my girlfriend coming over, and spending the afternoon with her. She looked up her symptoms, and she believes she is going through depersonalization. That's a difficult thing to deal with. I'm glad she's meeting it head on, and using it as an opportunity to learn about herself.

I also got a text from my best friend, saying he was going to do something crazy, and that we would talk about it another time. I was very worried when he wouldnt take my calls, until his girlfriend texted me, saying they were on the phone. He was driving to her, so they could see each other one last time before they broke up, and she didnt want me talking him out of the drive. I think it's good they're getting closure, but he knew for a while that his relationship was running out of room for growth. I hope tonight helps them both grow, and prepares them for the unique opportunities that singleness entails.

As for my vow, it's still working. Can't believe it's only day 2; feels like much longer. Temptation's there, but it doesnt seem worth it. My lab report took all day. I can only imagine if I gamed during some of that time. I'm glad I'm doing this. Meeting my goals will be hard enough. In the words of John Wayne, "Life is hard. It's harder if you're stupid".

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 3

Woke up very groggy, today. Comes from staying up late last night, finishing that lab report. Poor planning on my part. I'm hoping this one year detox helps me with time management. Or rather, following the time management plans I create.

I'm still annoyed with my friend from last night, because his initial vagueness about what was going on really put me in emergency mode, and the fact that he and his ex thought I would talk them out of meeting and getting closure, makes me feel insulted. I know these feeling are ultimately low consciousness, so I'm going to work on them, and then talk to him gently about it when we work out tomorrow.

I also have the strongest urges to game yet. After getting such a big project done, I know that gaming would be so satisfying this morning. I can see why people have such a hard time quitting smoking, when it becomes a routine to both relieve the bad moments and celebrate the good ones. I have a calculus test next Thursday, though, so having free time is an illusion. I need to get work today. I have lots to do, and if I could push myself to write that whole lab report, yesterday, whatever work awaits me today will be easy.

Enjoying the present moment will be the main struggle. I'm just getting so dopamine rush deprived. I can see how beneficial this is, because I know this is my system resetting itself. I'm hoping the hardest parts will happen over a few weeks. Maybe it will improve my meditation practice, which is a struggle to stay focused for even a couple minutes now.

I'll edit this post if anything interesting happens later today.

Edit:

Did a quiz, checked in with my friend (hasn't replied, which makes me feel even more annoyed), and then ran with my girlfriend. My leg started hurting, so I didnt run long. Enjoyed talking with her. We spoke of how people and relationships morph over time. Good food for thought.

Cooked spaghetti and just ate way too much of it. May not be enough left for my parents. My gluttony causes me a lot of shame and stress now. I don't want to do this math. I'd rather lay on the floor. And my mind wants me to play games instead. I just feel trapped on so many different sides. These three days have felt like years, and yet, at the end of the day I felt as if I didnt have enough time to get everything done. Not fun. I know it's worth it, if I ever want to break the cycle.

I'm going to figure out a way to get this math done, and may cook more spaghetti.

Edited July 11, 2020 by ClimbingTheTriangle

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 4

I'm getting a lot of mental resistance while doing my math homework, so this is a good time to do this post.

I had a productive morning, and went to meet my friend to work out. He called me last night, and told me about how his girlfriend broke up with him, and how the spent those two days getting closure. So we talked it out then, and more during our warm up today. He's bummed out, but doing better. This is a great opportunity for him to grow. Inspires me too, so I wrote down in my personal journal, that a year from yesterday (when I made the vow), I want to have run a marathon, be able to do 100 quality pushups without breaks, and meditate for two hours without getting up or pulling out my phone or a book. I made a training plan last night too.

The workout today was brutal. The sun felt extremely hot, and we are both still out of shape. Still, we beat our time from two weeks ago by six minutes. We're getting back to where we once were. I felt like I was going to throw up a few times. I was glad to have pushed through. One thing we spoke of after is how he's jealous of how I can look in the mirror, even with my buddha belly, and see a sexy beast. He's ripped, and yet he lacks confidence. I told him that positive self talk in the mirror really helps, but even more so, having a strong vision of the future you want. I tell him continually that he sets his goals low. Mine keep me inspired. So he thought of how one day he wants to co-own a gym for firefighters. This was good.

The torrential rain has been kicking our power off and on. I am absolutely struggling to get math done. I finished my audiobook on the nomadic people of the great steppes, and had so much fun with it. That plays to my natural strengths. Math, and science in general, is such a tooth pulling experience. After this class, I'm going to work really hard to not take another class that I know I won't enjoy, ever again. I'm really hoping I'll enjoy programming and cyber security in a classroom, as much as I do at home.

I'm going to soldier through and get this homework done. Least I can do, since I definitely don't want to study. Good news is, at least I'm not burning time with video games. Being distracted and over eating are my next targets to work on.

[Jai]

Hey bud. Keep at it! Read your first post. Are you staying busy? Honestly working a lot has been good for me because I don't have time for bad habits. My time is so valuable that I fill it with rewarding things. I've got some good momentum with some habits but I know if I were to not be working I would fall back into some. good luck!

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

@Jai I'm trying to keep these hands from getting idle. When I was working, it was one of the best points of my life. Unfortunately, being back in college is a different story.

Glad it's working for you. Momentum is the name of the game.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 5

Listened to and looked up some lore on video games today, which I know is playing with fire. It took me all day to complete a ridiculously hard math homework assignment. Now I have two days to heavily study for the test. Feeling stressed and depressed.

This morning I thought of the audiobook I completed, and how our bodies have many tribes, or thought patterns, vying for control. Just like Genghis Khan, we must unite them if we want to make conquests on the outside world.

Had good times with my girlfriend, and working through a tough moment today, I learned more about myself. It was a difficult day, but a good one.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 6

Edging closer to oblivion. Watched some videos on gaming today, briefly. I could feel the dopamine surge building. Pulled back, and got a good amount of studying done. Tomorrow will be my last day before the test. I could have gotten even more studying done, but my mind was so restless. If I were to adequately work on my ADD, I could accomplish almost anything. So my main focus for success is mindfulness.

Just like how I encouraged my best friend to have a strong vision for the future, so did I with my woman today. That is my number one defense against the blues. Tomorrow, first thing in the morning, I'm going to do some serious mirror work, so I'll be ready for the rigors of studying for the day.

I'm excited about my future, and I know I'll only get there one day at a time, one moment at a time. I will gain control over my mind and body.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 7

Even though it's only been 7 days, today I have already teetered on the brink of my vow. Part of me feels like I'm out lawyering myself as is.

I watched quite a few gaming vids, and teetered on the edge of PMO'ing. I feel crappy on account of both. Ate a lot of carbs, too. I don't even want any of those things. They're all ultimately empty to me. But I seek out their numbing effects during this stressful time.

My test is tomorrow, and while I felt optimistic yesterday, because I was making great progress, today I feel as if I have made miniscule progress. The good news is, once this test is over, I get breathing room again, and have time to clean up my act with a whole testing period of good habits. I'm hoping that I can build a balanced lifestyle again, tomorrow, where I won't be so close to calling this plan as a failure and having to do the drastic act of moving out. Because I am not ready for that move. This really was a nuclear option on my part, and I'm getting so close that I'm starting to get radiation sickness.

Today I had the thought, that my life is like mentoring a drug addict. I have all of the knowledge to make his life better, but I can't force him to follow my advice all the time. Well, I have the weird dilemma of both giving and receiving the advice. Having high expectations, and dashing them. I know how good it will feel to see that person turn their life around and become a success. I want to follow my own lead. I do that, it's just, I'm following the part of myself that I don't need to be following right now. It's seeking out dopamine in excess, which is weakness for me.

I was thinking earlier today, how amazing it will feel, to both be in the best shape of my life, and to have a clear mind that listens to me. With those two things, I could live in any lifestyle, even if its out in the woods. And the crazy thing is, fitness and meditation are free. You just have to have a little time and have decent health. So that dream is easily available to me. I want to grab hold of it with all of my might.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 8

Finished my test an hour ago. I don't usually do this, but I went to bed late and woke up early to study. Those early morning hours were especially good for studying. It's too bad the test was very different from all of the practice tests I was looking at. From our class groupme, sounds like it threw pretty much every one for a loop. There were quite a few questions I didn't know, but I think I made a good enough grade to still be on track to pass. Gotta go one step at a time.

The feeling of having time to game again is similar to when I finished my lap report last week, but not as strong. It makes me feel dirty. I'm going to do some easy calculus homework instead, and then maybe take a nap before my physiology lecture. I want to not only maintain my productive momentum, but I also know I can increase it.

Edit: A very good day. Sure, the test is a bummer, but I worked hard on it, and feel only a small amount of regret. The rest of the day I cooked, did on school work, worked out, and spoke with my family, my friend, and my girl. Only youtube use was for math, yoga, and looking at courses I would one day like to take for fun.

Kind of scared me how close to breaking my streak and facing the consequences, yesterday. Don't want to get that close, again. Need to devise better strategies for when I'm burnt out and tired.

Edited July 17, 2020 by ClimbingTheTriangle

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

It's taking a lot of strength even to post this. I feel so much shame and numbness.

I planned on talking about it here, but I don't want to. I'll leave it to my private journal. Maybe I'll come back soon, or maybe this will be another rusty scrap in my graveyard of dreams.

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 1 of Nightmare Mode

7 days later. A whole week. That's a lot of underutilized time, spent on feeling sorry for myself.

I broke down bit by bit, last time. The external motivation of leaving my comfy life got me started, but it wasnt enough to keep me. As I got stressed out by school, I'd watch a little bit of gaming videos here, look at a pornographic image there, and eventually the cracks became tears. It came to a head when I told my girlfriend I had been looking at those images again. It was incredibly painful, as she fought to not become distant from me during our talk before and after our workout. 

I felt so numb that night. The morning after I felt even more apathetic and numb. She wished she hadnt been so upset, but I always want to be true to myself, and I want her to be the same. So I reinstalled my games, and have been gaming and watching anime all week. The one thing I know I must avoid at all costs is porn. So that's what I've focused on getting out, and I've been successful.

Wanted to come back to my vow the past few days. No more of that external threat motivation. Moving out would derail my life in an unnecessary way. Is this an excuse? I honestly don't know. Likely, partially. What I do know, is that my addictions will continue to follow me until I have dealt with them internally. I learned that when I was in a cave a year and a week ago, with no internet, and no food the past five days, and I still wanted to game.

So I've been rewatching the BUDS class of 234 documentary today, and it's been reminding me of how I have a standard to meet. I want to harden myself, mentally and physically. Quitting those pleasures will be the greatest fortifying I can do for a year. I will focus my time on calculus, which I am in danger of failing. I harden myself into a warrior.

Edit:

I had a great day with my girlfriend, but when I was working at math near the end, and after she left, I've been feeling incredibly anhedonic. It's been creating friction with my dad, because he sees how numb I am. I'm confident this is my body's reaction to going without dopamine. 

This makes me want to pour fuel on the fire to heal even more. I've allowed myself to listen to gaming news, since it's not looking at a screen and doesn't precipitate the same habits of wasting a whole day, while it does mildly help with urges. I've also consumed some sugar. I'm ok with both of these things, but I want to limit them as well so my body will learn how to produce dopamine on its own.

I really want to have a healthy mind, possibly for the first time in my life. This is a priority for me.

Edited July 25, 2020 by ClimbingTheTriangle

[ClimbingTheTriangle]

Day 2 of Nightmare Mode

Wanted to play games this morning, which is to be expected. Did what I started on yesterday: listened to videos assessing the games I wanted to play. It filled the craving.

After napping and working on a little calculus, I met my friend at a park to study. I gave him my gaming accounts, which I consider my penalty for breaking my previous streak. Maybe I'll give this laptop away to him next time I break the streak. We'll see. 

I studied calculus as he studied for his AEMT exam. My girlfriend and her sister came later, and we all skateboarded around for a while (fell and ripped my pants at one point). After hanging out for a while and doing a little bit more of math, we got vegan pizza and acai bowls. It was fun.

Studied with my friend after the other two left, until it started storming bad. Now I want to do a little bit more calculus before going to bed.

I've been rewatching and reading media about the Navy SEALS. David Goggins, the SEAL I admire most, speaks on how to beat depression and be proud of oneself, it is best when one does things that makes him feel worthy of that pride. For me, passing calculus will feel amazing. Getting into the CSec Masters, meeting my high fitness goals (and even making progress on them), and continuing to stay clean from my bad habits will also be giant boosts in my self esteem. In making myself the man I want to follow.