ITS OKAY TO HAVE AN EGO -- story from a Highly Sensitive Person.

[DreamScape]

Hello. So I have been in the spirituality biz for about 2 years now. I have been mainly on actualized.org but there are others I've watched. Matt Kahn is my favorite as of now. 

So I had a 'kundalini awakening' which came from the top, and with the little information online I have heard that this was a normal thing--kundalini awakening. The top-down approach is called the 'decent of grace.' At the time, I didn't even know what kundalini was, that I had to integrate it, how to integrate it, what the fuck to do with it. But with the knowledge I acquired, I thought that spirituality and 'reaching' truth was about letting go and having no self and much of this partial in my opinion. It is true, although, in my experience, this isn't the whole story.

I come from a background with lots of emotional trauma and as an empath. My mom would always take my things, my mom would always yell and argue and ground me, this made me feel like she was never there and that I had to constantly give up myself to receive love from her. I eventually got very mad and stopped doing that, moved out, but then this was projected into spirituality and how I dealt with emotions. So a central part of my path is learning how to have things, learning that it's okay to have an ego and be okay with myself.

Knowing that grounding was central, I moved the energy down to the root chakra. This is what I thought I had to do with the energy coming from the 7th chakra. Lesson: Let the energy integrate on its own. From me trying to control it, I created energetic karma which kept controlling the emotions.

Also, because I lacked the knowledge on how this integrated, I remember feeling the energy going from the root chakra up to the 2nd chakra, but only in the front. I thought that this meant that it's time to work on that chakra. I didn't realize that safety issues are located in multiple parts of the body: throughout the spinal column and in the heart. AND I didn't know that the energy was supposed to go up via the spinal column. hm. 

So I did that, and what I ended up doing was being so mad and angry that I had the trauma that I actually pushed the trauma and memories out of my body. This kept going until I reached the heart. Let me be clear: I pushed away a lot of my second chakra and third chakra, and even some of my heart (because everything connects to the heart). This caused me months of terror and almost health issues, and real ones (that lasted for a short time) to get to the point I am at now, which is my body is working properly. 

Luckily, the healing process allows me to bring back the memories that I let go of, re-integrate them, and have the story of my life played out in my mind again. Although, this has prevented me from working and doing other such activities because I haven't been able to at all. 

This needs to be about 'letting go' just as much as it's about integration. 

Spirituality isn't about denying or hating yourself and your trauma so much that you push it away. You deserve to be respected and your ego deserves to be treated with care and kindness and love. 

Yes, defend yourself, Yes, work, Yes, do your homework, Yes, say no, Yes, have boundaries, and yes, have a life and an experience of life to live. 

This isn't about death.

Death is what happens when you're brain dead. You cannot do anything and you're out of this existence. You're going to have an ego so long as you're alive and there is no escaping yourself.  This is about ascending and becoming one with your higher self and god. Don't push yourself away.

your mind controls your whole body. 

It's about no self just as much as it is about becoming one and realizing The Self and ascension into higher forms of love and consciousness. 

Your ego isn't the enemy.

The ego is a central part of being in a 3D realm. It serves a very good purpose: to navigate the 3D and to be able to be survived. This is not frowned upon to have one, as you will always have an ego to serve as this function. There are obvious faults to the ego mind, but that is to be expected and not to be escaped from. We can work with it, alchemize it, but we cannot deny and push it away. 

It's about YOU

In fact, spirituality should make you more of an individual and more unique than it should make you disassociated and nothing and bland all of the time. This IS enhancing yourself. Kundalini IS related to the divine feminine, which is all about self-expression and love. For me, I've noticed that spiritual people (online at least, I haven't met any in real life) tend to be very different in nature individually. For example, Matt kahn vs Leo gura, Ryan cropper vs  elizabeth april vs aaron doughty. it enhances your personality and makes you more authentically yourself. Don't deny yourself. 

 

 --------------

I'm sure this doesn't apply to anyone with a good childhood, or someone with a teacher or who had knowledge, but for people who are highly sensitive empaths and have quite a bit of trauma, these teachings will be taken and used differently. I have not had any of those things btw. I was taught that kundalini is safe and to trust it and not worry about it at all, but this is not the case. We need to share this information to prevent things like THIS. This was horrific. To the people like me, be careful with meditation because my experience with it has been actually disassociating and not helpful for the point I am at right now, or have been for the 2 years of 'work' that I have been doing.

 

Edited July 1, 2020 by DreamScape

[VeganAwake]

 

[VeganAwake]

Of course it's okay, it's whole complete and perfect as everything is ❤

[WelcometoReality]

@DreamScape That's some wild shit you went through. Thx for sharing it with us. Seems like kundalini isn't something to play with without the help of a teacher. Are you ok now. Are you back to working again?

[Consilience]

@VeganAwake If you listened to this dudes content, he doesnt define ego as merely a separate sense of self, he defines it as the part of the mind which causes suffering. You like to post a lot of his videos so I figured Id make that clarification. But maybe he defines ego differently based on the video?¿ Im not sure. 

@DreamScape I think this perspective is important. However, the ego is also a very tricky beast and its devilry should never be underestimated imo... but it’s also no less deserving of love and care than anything else. Thank you for sharing your journey and this powerful perspective. 

[VeganAwake]

@Consilience  yes it would seem so ❤

I actually asked him if he recognized the entire sense of self was also illusory....not sure if he responded or not  ? maybe I'll check one day.

[DreamScape]

@WelcometoReality not necessarily. also, I'm still going through neglect at home and other trauma. so that doesn't help. like right now i've turned energetic manipulation into an egoic defense mechanism and the super neglected and hurt part of myself is controlling my whole body right now. Not sure if there's a way out, but reality has a thing for surprises. 

I just recommend that people know what they're doing and know how to work with their emotions. It's not kundalini per se, it's themselves. 

Edited July 2, 2020 by DreamScape

[DreamScape]

@Consilience Not sure. still only two years in. and sure. the tables are turned for me though, I'm so willing to let go of myself that it's hard for me to even wanna be with me. So that's why I share this perspective & the importance of love. because this is horrible. 

[Nahm]

11 hours ago, DreamScape said:

Not sure if there's a way out, but reality has a thing for surprises. 

The “way out” is actually, “in”. The “way in” is letting the narratives go. When we see the believing of thoughts “is the problem”, and no longer do, the body naturally releases, and it is readily seen there is only ever a problem as created and defined by oneself. The key is the fundamentals, diet, exercise, daily morning & afternoon meditation, expressive writing, etc. Trying to decipher this or that self etc, is one of the narratives. “It’s” not tricky...”I am tricky”. When thoughts are no longer believed, it is revealed there never were “parts”. It is none other than infinite love & perfect peace, which arises as the thoughts, stories, narratives, etc. ‘Presence’. Always present, here & now. Never in a thought story of past or future, or “my selves”, always abundantly readily available now. Only seems to not be the case via believing the arising narrative.

[Member]

Could you please tell me what were the symptoms of kundalini awakening? As for the Ego, I agree that you shouldn't treat it as an enemy. Actually there is a positive part to it, it's not all black as many are saying. Actually, trying to 'kill' it is stupid and traumatic and it can leave you with deep wounds if you're not prepared spiritually and emotionally.

Edited July 2, 2020 by Member

[Inliytened1]

@DreamScape I feel that the ego can actually reach a high degree of selflessness which comes with wisdom and the realization of Love.  Of course - the one who realizes Love is not the ego, it is Pure Consciousness - the separate ego dissolves when in a complete non-dual state. However once you shift back into form and the ego is reborn - you as the ego can reach a high degree of selflessness.  You/ego won't be able to be completely selfless - for that would be your undoing.  Hence the word self.   Yet the small self can be embraced and loved.  God has unconditional love for all parts of itself.  To love the ego is to love yourself.  

 Just curious but what is  Kahn's view on the ego?  I have never listened and read any of his work.  But a lot of people here like his teachings.  My view on the ego is it is not merely a section of the finite mind - it is the entire idea of you as a small self.  That is why pure ego death is God mode.