I think that I seriously hurt another person

[BornToBoil]

So, here's the story: I've met a girl on reddit. Since we've met we talked everyday for a couple of hours. I honestly became obsessed with her, all I did was either talking to her or thinking about talking to her. I have never felt this way towards anyone before. I decided to take a risk and said that I "love" her (I know it's stupid, but I wasn't thinking clearly at that time). Miraculously, she said that she also likes me, but doesn't think we can be together, so we should stay just friends. We talked for a couple of days as friends, from time to time touching on the topic of the relationships and eventually, after some convincing on my part, she said that she is willing to try being in a relationship with me. I was the happiest person in the world. We talked how we would meet (she is from America and I'm from Europe, so the distance is quite big), where we would go together, I complimented her a lot, she complimented me a lot, we talked about life, etc. The next day she said that it was a mistake and she is not ready for a relationship. She has a borderline personality disorder and a lot of past traumas, therefore it's hard for her to be in a relationship. At first I tried to act cool and understanding, I've said that we can stay just friends, I can help her, etc., but when she insisted that we should stop talking to each other I became desperate and started to write whatever came to my head just to keep her.

I went to bed completely destroyed and out of control emotionally. When I woke up I became even more obsessed with making her respond to me and started to write a lot of crazy things: how I'm sorry, how I don't deserve her, how she has been nice to me, what she did wrong, how she should ban me, how she should give me a second chance, etc. Basically, I've gone totally crazy. Because of that we had an argument and now she hasn't been online for a while. I'm really worried that I seriously traumatized her and she might even hurt herself (she has been into cutting herself just a year ago). What makes the situation even worse is the realization that I've initially started talking to her to cheer her up and make her feel a little better. And I did, she became much more positive as we continued talking, but then I've lost control to all these emotions, became totally selfish, and probably left her feeling even worse than before she has met me.

I just hate myself for being such a selfish idiot. I wanted to help her but fucked her up even more. And it's not like she doesn't have any other problems. She has family issues, depression, anxiety, struggles financially, can't receive any praise or compliments, etc. I honestly was such a piece of shit.

Right now I'm okay with her never wanting to talk to me again, I feel like I don't deserve a second chance. I'm just really worried if she is alright and feel really guilty. I apologized to her and said that she doesn't have to forgive me, but I'm not sure if she has read this message. I'm not even sure if she is alive. What should I do to atone for my mistakes?

[Roy]

Don't beat yourself up. It simply was never going to work out with that distance anyways, just be happy you had the experience of talking to her and getting to know her

The likely explanation is she probably just got a little overwhelmed and found it easiest to just cut off communication. Happens all the time. Don't always jump to the worst conclusion ok @BornToBoil?

[BornToBoil]

3 hours ago, Roy said:

Don't beat yourself up. It simply was never going to work out with that distance anyways, just be happy you had the experience of talking to her and getting to know her

The likely explanation is she probably just got a little overwhelmed and found it easiest to just cut off communication. Happens all the time. Don't always jump to the worst conclusion ok @BornToBoil?

Thank you. I'm ok with the fact that it didn't work out (although I really wasn't at first). I'mn ot ok with how I behaved. Before, I always thought that if I get into a relationship, I'll be all cool headed, rational, and conscious, but here I was, crying and writing desperate and angry messages after she told me that we should stop talking...

I try to think positively, but there is no way I can know for sure how she is doing unless she writes back to me, so it seems irresponsible to be all positive after what I've done. I just don't know how I can possibly move on while she might be suffering there all alone.

[Roy]

2 hours ago, BornToBoil said:

so it seems irresponsible to be all positive after what I've done

Taking ownership of your outlook is the reponsible thing to be doing right now, for yourself. You're right you may have no way of knowing, but do you honestly think it's likely things have turned out as bad as your mind projects? Probably not. It's just easy to think so because you are already feeling emotionally distraught given all that's happened.

[BornToBoil]

1 hour ago, Roy said:

Taking ownership of your outlook is the reponsible thing to be doing right now, for yourself. You're right you may have no way of knowing, but do you honestly think it's likely things have turned out as bad as your mind projects? Probably not. It's just easy to think so because you are already feeling emotionally distraught given all that's happened.

Yeah, you're right. I hope that it's not that bad. Also, there's nothing I can do right now to help her, so I should just focus on working on myself. I don't want to commit the same mistakes in the future.

[JessiChell]

@BornToBoil

It sounds like you're co-dependent. You're worrying about another person so much, that you are putting aside your own feelings. 

Be grateful she was honest about not wanting to be with you and politely allow her to move on. Delete your communication and don't message her again. 

I'm sure you're a great person and you deserve self-love. 

[LfcCharlie4]

Sorry to hear about this man. 

Sounds like you have a lot of inner work to do, as if you do get in a relationship you'll just end up projecting it when things ever show any signs of going south. 

I'd also look into basic Self-Development, and becoming the best man you can be. Hit the gym, start a business/ develop your career, sort out your nutrition, focus on nailing all your fundamentals and raising your value (relatively) as a Man. In terms I'm not too fond of, you've acted very Beta and like a Simp here, you've come across needy as hell, and girls can smell that a mile off. 

Not to be rude, but with that behavior most girls would run to the hills, maybe look into dating and more Conscious PU (not manipulating girls!) to improve your dating and social skills, while working on yourself as the most important thing. 

Good luck man, see this as the greatest life lesson and as a chance to start your journey to transforming yourself, not to make assumptions but I guess if you're meeting girls on Reddit you're spending a lot of time on Online forums, maybe start spending some of that time into more productive and useful things mate. 

[BornToBoil]

1 hour ago, JessiChell said:

@BornToBoil

It sounds like you're co-dependent. You're worrying about another person so much, that you are putting aside your own feelings. 

Be grateful she was honest about not wanting to be with you and politely allow her to move on. Delete your communication and don't message her again. 

I'm sure you're a great person and you deserve self-love. 

Thank you. I have no problems with the fact that she doesn't want to be with me (at least now), I probably wouldn't want to be in a relationship with myself either. I actually hope that she will be able to forget about this bad experience and move on, but I'm worried if she's alright. As I've said she has borderline personality disorder and has been into cutting herself in the past. I'm not going to message her again, but won't delete her either, just in case she decides to write me back and say that she is ok.

[BornToBoil]

1 hour ago, LfcCharlie4 said:

Sorry to hear about this man. 

Sounds like you have a lot of inner work to do, as if you do get in a relationship you'll just end up projecting it when things ever show any signs of going south. 

I'd also look into basic Self-Development, and becoming the best man you can be. Hit the gym, start a business/ develop your career, sort out your nutrition, focus on nailing all your fundamentals and raising your value (relatively) as a Man. In terms I'm not too fond of, you've acted very Beta and like a Simp here, you've come across needy as hell, and girls can smell that a mile off. 

Not to be rude, but with that behavior most girls would run to the hills, maybe look into dating and more Conscious PU (not manipulating girls!) to improve your dating and social skills, while working on yourself as the most important thing. 

Good luck man, see this as the greatest life lesson and as a chance to start your journey to transforming yourself, not to make assumptions but I guess if you're meeting girls on Reddit you're spending a lot of time on Online forums, maybe start spending some of that time into more productive and useful things mate. 

Yes, I do have a lot of work to do on myself. I actually new that and didn't plan to get into a relationship just yet, but it just kind of happened as we started talking.

Indeed, I acted very needy, beta, etc. My social skills in general are really bad (that includes dating and communicating with people in general). I don't judge myself too much about it though, it was my first ever relationship after all. I just feel bad about hurting her and acting like an idiot, but its more about emotional control than social skills I guess.

I actually don't use reddit that much, I was just bored with all that coronavirus thing and I almost stopped using it since we have met. It doesn't change the fact that I waste a lot of my time on other useless distractions, so you're basically right.

Edited July 2, 2020 by BornToBoil

[LfcCharlie4]

@BornToBoil Yeah man, I would reflect on this and learn as much as you can from it. 
 

Like others said I doubt you have hurt her as much as you think, she probably just disappeared to prevent the non stop messages, as she didn’t want to hurt your feelings too badly. 
 

But, the most important thing to do is start taking action, even if it’s only small, even if it’s only a walk everyday, or reducing the time you’re wasting bit by bit & gradually improve your life mate  

[flowboy]

@BornToBoil  Borderline is like a demon that transmits from person to person through relationships. People who start an intimate relationship with a borderline personality think at first that they are helping the other person feel better, but then inevitably get dragged down with them in their pit of darkness. Most of them come to hate themselves long after the relationship is finished, many even are driven to suicide.

The guilt you feel is part of the evil spell, it's not real. Just be glad you got out when you did, and that she lived so far away. She could have ruined you.

[BornToBoil]

@flowboy  Sorry, but I have to disagree with you. It's better to be together in the "pit of darkness" than completely alone. Although it wasn't even the case. She was always nice to me and I had the best time of my life talking to her. I feel guilt not because it's a part of the "evil spell", but because I acted like some 13 year old kid, who can't deal with his own emotions. Even when she deciced to break up with me, she tried to do it as gently as possible, I was the one who turned it into the complete mess.

Here's what she wrote to me:

"First and foremost, I deeply apologize for my indecisiveness. You are lovely, but I’m not ready to be in any sort of romantic relationship, I thought I was ready but I’m not. Talking with you for this period of time made me realize some things about me that I hadn’t realize was that bad. This time, I am certain, I have to leave this relationship. I’m sorry, I’m not who you think I am.

I’m not a mentally sound person. I’ve never been. I’ve been through a lot. I can’t handle any sort of love, affection, praise. I just can’t handle it, it makes me physically ill. I hadn’t realized it was that bad. I need to work on it before I can even think of being with someone

You don’t deserve a person who can’t reciprocate emotion

I’m not ready for anybody. Not you, not the coworker I had a crush on. I’m getting help but right now I’m not ready. I’m crazy and no one wants to deal with me"

Instead of accepting her decision and being as supportive as possible I've lost my mind. She was already feeling so bad about herself, and I only made it worse. If I acted like a mature person we could have at least stayed friends and I could cheer her up from time to time.

That's what she replied to me after she saw all of my desperate and angry messages:

"I wanted to be friends with you. I was still your friend when I went to bed last night but I woke up to this. I thought you understood. You pretended like you understood. This is too intense. I can’t be your friend."

Sorry, I can't show you what exactly I wrote to her because I've deleted all of my messages as an apology (don't ask me why I decided that it's a good way to apologize, I wasn't thinking straight back then), but i assure you that all of her responses were completely justified.

Also, I knew she had all these problems when I started talking to her, so this is completely my responsibility. It just breaks my heart to think about how bad she might feel right now and know that it's my fault at least to some extent.

Edited July 3, 2020 by BornToBoil

[BornToBoil]

Hi guys, just wanted to give you an update. She wrote back to me and said that she is ok. We talked for a bit and finished it all in a positive way. I'm so glad everything ended well!
 

Thank you for your advices and support!